Between a glance
Remus was not one to be easily persuaded when his anger was a part of his decision. Remus was also pretty sure that there had not been a day in his life where he was not angry at someone or something. When he was a kid psychologists told him (well they told his parents, but not quietly enough that he couldn’t hear) that he needed to learn how to manage this anger, to translate it into something else, most recommended art or sport. Instead, he chose to channel his anger into being silent, until that eventually bubbled up around every month.
At this particular moment, he was probably the most irate he had ever been in his life, more than enough to start a brawl with the first person that looked at him slightly funny. But, he found himself being persuaded out to a pub, Evan and Barty around either shoulder. He was choosing to blame this on the fact that he had sprinted at least 5 km from Sirius’ flat back to the base and was utterly exhausted as the adrenaline left his system.
In the back of his mind, Remus knew exactly why they were doing this. It was not as a form of bonding, or talking out the problems their group seemed to be having, it was to stop him from going to the cops. Remus did know this. He also knew that the second he turned Regulus in, he would lose the only three friends he’d ever had in life, and that was not something he was willing to part with quite yet.
The three made their way to a table at the back of the pub after grabbing their drinks. Barty and Evan were passing indecipherable looks, in the expressionist language the two seemed to share with each other. Remus sat back and observed, in the time he’d known the boys he’d always seen them passing these looks and always wondered just how much could be shared between a glance. Evan and Barty always seemed to know exactly what was on the other's mind, so it was clearly enough. When Remus had first become friends with the two he was jealous of the connection they had, their unspoken understanding, the friendship the two had. In time he learned to accept that he was lucky to have friends at all in the first place.
Evan snapped his head to the side, sharpening his gaze at Barty, the two stayed like that for a second before Barty dropped his head and sighed.
“Soooo… Lupin….. About the fight” Barty tiptoed over his words, carefully.
“What about it? Remus challenged.
“Well… um… ya know, its-” Barty mumbled before Evan cut him off. “Don’t leave.” Evan said firmly.
“You’re only saying that so I don’t rat you all out” Remus retorted.
“Obviously I don’t want you ratting us out, but it’s not just about that.”
“Oh really? What is it about then? Please enlighten me.” Remus dragged out sarcastically.
“Do you know how many times Barty and I have been to jail?” Evan asked.
“I’m not really in the mood for anecdotes”
“I’ve been four.” Barty declared, paused, shooting a cocky smile at Evan, before continuing, “Evan’s been twice.”
“The point I’m trying to make here is that it doesn’t really bother either of us to go back, … it’d only be accomplice charges anyways.” Evan mused. “This isn’t about not going back, it’s about Regulus. You can’t leave Regulus.”
“Regulus made it pretty clear he didn’t have a problem with me leaving.”
“Yeah well he does” Barty spat out, glaring at Remus.
This conversation was incredibly tense, but Remus was quite lost on why. This all seemed pretty straight forward to him, Regulus lied to him, and conned him into falling in love with his brother (in love??? Was he in love with Sirius??? Oh my god. Now is not the time to unpack that issue.), Remus found out, was upset, and Regulus couldn’t even fake an ounce of guilt. How on earth could a man so out of touch with reality that he couldn’t even consider someone would be upset with this situation ‘care so much about him leaving’.
“Regulus and Sirius’ relationship is complicated.” Evan offered.
“You keep saying that, but it’s quite hard to believe you when neither of you can tell me fuck all about why it’s complicated.” Remus shot out, his tone sharp.
Barty and Evan shared another one of their glances before Evan let out a dramatic sigh.
Evan and Barty proceeded to tell him everything. How Regulus and Sirius were thick as thieves when they were younger, brothers and best friends. How their parents abused and manipulated both of them into training to join the family business. How Sirius left for school first, met James and seemingly forgot about Regulus' existence. How Sirius gave up on Regulus, left him, left him alone with his parents. How the abuse had become worse when Sirius left. How Regulus’ parents pulled him out of school to take over deals for them. And how Regulus had never forgiven Sirius for any of it.
It felt violating to learn all of this from Barty and Evan and not from the sources themselves. Regardless, Remus understood. He did not agree. He did not agree with Regulus or think this was ok (but honestly, had he ever?). But, he understood it.
Regulus had been there for him at some of the worst times of his life, and Regulus had understood him, and stayed. Was it too much for Remus to do the same? He pondered internally about how if doing a good thing in a bad situation was a moral positive, or negative. Surly it had to be at least a gray area, right?
“I won’t leave.” Remus muttered.
Barty burst out into a grin and wrapped an arm around Remus.
“I knew you’d get it,” Barty exclaimed through his wide smile.
Evan stayed quiet, but a soft smile lifted at the corner of his lips.
***
The three eventually made it back into their base, Evan and Barty declared they were both going to bed and made their way into the living room to crash on the couches. As they left Remus’ vision he immediately felt the sickness of his morally awful decisions placed on him again. Friends were great, they were especially great distractions when your life was crumbling around you, but the second they left everything came crashing down again.
Remus had come to terms with the fact that he was an awful person fifteen years before. He knew he was an awful person when he let his anger get the best of him and he hit his mother for saying something he couldn’t remember. He had been mad, for so many days his fists had stayed clenched, his teeth had stayed grinding in his mouth. His mom had bent down to his level, said something, that still for the life of him he could not remember, but it made him snap. He slapped his mother across her face with as much force as he could muster.
Remus remembered vividly the look on his moms face, the way her mouth hung open and tears welled in her eyes. Of course, she’d known her son had ‘issues’ and that he lashed out, but he’d never done it to her, never even thought of it. She had looked so disappointed, she whispered so quietly when she told him to go to his room. When Remus heard her sobs from the floor below, he knew he was an awful person.
He had decided, five years after he hit his mother, that he wasn’t the kind of bad person that could be redeemed. He’d been in class, he wasn’t even that angry this time, a girl, Emmeline, came up to him as class got out. Before Evan, Barty, and Regulus, she was probably the closest thing he had ever had to a friend. She asked him, in the sweet delicately enunciated voice she had that he was unused to finding in Wales, if he’d like to go on a date with her that weekend. Instead of the truthful answer that he was simply not interested, he proceeded to say “No, you are quite ugly”, she burst into tears, ran away, and did not speak to him again. Remus was a bad person, he would always be a bad person, it seemed to run in his DNA, without him having to think about it. This left him with two simple options, turn into a truly awful person all the time, or try his absolute best to fight it.
He spent the eight years after the Emmeline incident doing his absolute best to fight the awful person inside of him. It didn’t get him much. He still had no friends, he had moved to London so he never saw his family, and most importantly, he wasn’t happy, he was down right miserable. So, when he met Regulus, Evan and Barty, he dove in head first, ignoring all of the glaring red flags of what they were up to. When Remus was offered to join the whole organized crime thing, he let himself, because really, what was one bad thing -that made him happy- in eight years of trying to be good. It didn’t mean he let himself go back to being fully awful, just one thing on the side.
He took a deep breath before knocking on Regulus’ door, no answer. He waited a second before knocking again, still no answer. Against his better judgment, considering how the last time he was in Regulus’ office had gone, he opened the door. No Regulus. Evan had told him that Regulus said he would be in here. As much as Remus was still upset about the fact Regulus had chosen not to tell him about the whole ‘Sirius is my brother’ thing, he knew that Regulus would never leave Evan or Barty out of any part of his plans, including the mundane about where he was spending the night.
Remus made his way out into the hallway and walked back toward the living room, planning to ask Evan to check his phone for any updates on Regulus. Remus turned the corner into the living room and saw Evan and Barty both passed out on one of the two couches. Barty lying half on top of Evan, with his arm draped over Evan’s chest, they had always been such close friends.
With no chance of waking up Evan and being utterly drained himself, It looked like it was time for Remus to go to sleep and save the Regulus problem for the morning. That was until he headed down the hall to one of the spare rooms he knew had a couch in it, but instead saw Regulus tip-toeing out of James’ room. Oh wow.
--------
After their initial awkwardly heated conversation, James found himself to quite enjoy the presence of R, so long as he was able to turn off the part of his brain that screamed at him about this being his kidnapper. R was fascinating, he was mysterious and James longed to know as much as he could of the man in front of him.
There was always the itching in the back of James’ brain. He knew R, not just because R had told him so, but he knew him, he just couldn’t place it. There was something so familiar about him, it had to be more than a couple hallway glances almost eight years ago.
“What are you thinking about James?” R asked softly
“You” James breathed out, slouching his back down so he could look up at R.
James loved the way R fought away the smile that was creeping its way onto his face. James had also always loved making people smile. R was a little challenging on that front, which just made everytime James succeeded feel like even more of a victory he could watch. It didn’t hurt that the victory he was watching was quite handsome -no implications there- James was simply just aware when people were attractive, and R was.
“Really?” R mocked a gasp back at James.
“Yes, really.” James replied sincerely.
“Anything you’re itching to know?”
“What's your name?”
“Sorry James but that's one of the few things I cannot answer.”
James did his best to make his face look as upset as possible as he glanced back up at R.
“Don’t act like a pouting child” R lightly scolded, flicking James on the shoulder, “We just agreed no lies, so would you have rather me make a fake name?”
“No,” James said, his pouting continuing.
“Most other questions are on the table”
“Why can’t you tell me your name?”
“Because you’d know who I was immediately. Next?”
So they went on, James asked R questions, and R answered the best he could. James found himself often interrupting, answering his own questions. R didn’t seem to mind, he looked back at James with a warmness and interest James was not sure he had ever felt before.
Most of the time, when James spoke people listened. It came with the job of being football captain/ head boy/ unofficial leader of the friendship group (lovingly nicknamed by Sirius the ‘Marauders’, although James was not sure if that would stick.). He was used to people listening to the words that came out of his mouth, but he’d never felt as if anyone really cared what those words were. People listened to him because they were supposed to, not because they had any reason to. R listened to him like he was the most important thing the world had ever made, like every word James said should be preserved for all of time.
James wasn’t sure how long their conversation went on for, but by the end they were both laying down on the bed James had been calling his own staring up at the ceiling. He’d also learned enough about R that he was compiling a mental list.
-He prefers tea over coffee but will drink straight espresso when he wants the caffeine
-Favorite movie is Dead Poets Society because he likes to think that Neil and Todd really were in love. (R’s second favorite movie is Rango, but he made James promise not to tell because it’s childish.)
-He hated his parents (which James would have never been able to fathom for not being friends with Sirius), they hurt and controlled him obsessively until they passed away two years ago
-He likes the night sky, specifically the stars, but has recently found a soft spot for the moon.
-He’s 24
-R played football at the same time as James in school, they were in rival houses. Apparently (although James had no way of fact checking this), they were at a 6-5 record in the matches they both -played in (with James’ house being up one).
-He has an older brother, whom he doesn’t talk to
-He’s been friends with Fluer since they were 6, and Fluer will bring home sweets he knows R likes. Fluer also plays guitar and R loves to listen to him play.
-He likes to cook, even though he is apparently not very good at it
And, what was frankly the most shocking to James
-He still sleeps with stuffed animals
As James was reviewing his mental list in a moment of silence, R snapped up while looking at his watch.
“I should- You probably need some sleep… I should head out.” R mumbled.
“Oh, yeah. Right, ok.” James responded, the immediate heartbreak of fleeting company setting in.
R turned to leave, but not before glancing back at James.
The words came out of James’ mouth before he could even process what he was saying, “Am I going to see you again?”
R took a step closer to him, “If that's what you want, then of course.”
R turned around hastily, as James tried his best to catch one last glimpse of the face he’d somehow grown so fond of. He knew it was wrong, really, finding sympathy for someone who was holding him against his will, but he couldn’t stop.