Chapter 19
James tried to see his apartment through Regulus's eyes. Spacious and a bit grand, with pooling lights that were dimmed enough to not be bright.
Regulus might like the high ceiling, he hoped. Now that he looked at it, he thought that maybe he'd bought this whole apartment with Regulus in the back of his mind. This tiny voice always making him consider, would Reggie like this should he ever come back?
A big kitchen because Regulus liked to eat, no mirrors in the foyer because Regulus didn't like the way he looked when he untied his shoes. But the big selling point for the apartment itself had been the huge arched window in the living room.
But none of that mattered tonight. When they arrived Regulus looked dead on his feet. Soaked to the bone and shivering and James wordlessly handed him his biggest towel, sweatpants and a thick pullover.
Regulus stepped out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The clothes were a little too big on him and his face looked haunted and gaunt in the drawn up hood.
He halted in the middle of the room, his sleeves pulled over his hands. Nervous and a bit unsure. "Can I sleep here?" He asked softly.
James nodded. He didn't understand. First the date, then the running away, completely freaking out and now he wanted to sleep here?
Something was wrong. Something was so so wrong and there was nothing he could do about it. "Do you want the couch or ...?" But Regulus already shook his head.
He stepped a little closer, still looking a bit lost and peeking at James through his lashes. "You know, I never slept as well as I did back at school in your bed."
James smiled. A real smile and offered his hand. "I'll show you the room."
He got Regulus into bed and got him an extra blanket when he complained about cold toes. "I'll come warm them soon," he promised, but after he too had taken a hot shower and slipped into dry, more comfortable clothes he found Regulus asleep and buried under a mountain of blankets.
James watched him for a while, took in his soft expression and gentle breaths. Then he snuck out of the bedroom and into the living room.
And then he did something he hadn't done in a few months; he called Sirius.
~~~
He didn't know why Sirius had insisted on coming over. All he'd wanted was a bit of reassurance. Somebody to tell him that feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach was ridiculous anxiety and would be gone by tomorrow.
Instead Sirius had listened to his entire story of the evening uncharacteristically quietly and not said a lot more than that he'd come over.
Regulus was still asleep when his brother arrived, James had checked, twice, and they settled on the couch with mugs of tea they didn't touch.
Sirius stared into his cup. "So, he freaked out when you told him you loved him?"
"Pretty much. I mean, he freaked out before when I thought we were going to kiss but ..."
Sirius nodded into his tea as if this all made sense but still didn't speak for a while. "There's something you need to know Prongs."
James nodded.
"It'll break your heart."
"I'll risk it." He said. And then he sat and listened to his best friend tell him of his dying brother.
Regulus had come out of that cave with a curse lodged deep inside him. One that no spell, no potion, no medicine could erase. The healers hadn't fully understood it, Sirius said. They'd tried their best, but the best they could do was prolong the inevitable, ease Regulus's suffering as much as possible.
When Sirius finished, his shaking hands betrayed the detached voice he'd used the entire time he'd talked.
"How long?" James asked and was surprised by the steadiness of his own voice.
"They aren't sure. They ... haven't ever seen anything like this. Could be months, could be years, could also ... 'rapidly increase in severity' they said."
James closed his eyes. Fought back the tears that had been threatening to spill ever since Sirius had started speaking. He took a deep breath, "why didn't you tell me?"
"Because he didn't want me to. Because you were always gone. Because he's my little brother, that I abandoned and he's now dying because of that." Sirius's voice, unwavering until now, grew fainter with his last words.
"Jesus Pads, I wasn't- I'm so sorry." He reached out, clasped his friends hand.
"I just wanted you to have a chance you know. I- He's happy when he's with you. Even if it's just- short and, and temporarily but he's happy whenever he's with you."
James tugged at Sirius's hand then, pulled them both up and buried his face into Sirius's shoulder.
They stood like that for a long while. The last time they did that was when Effie died years ago. Just, held on to make sure the other didn't break apart. "It was supposed to be over Sirius." He sobbed into Sirius's shoulder.
"What?" Sirius asked quietly.
"The war, the, the loosing people. The pain-" he couldn't go on and Sirius just hugged him tighter.
James tired himself out after what felt like hours, his body incapable of more tears but he stayed slumped against Sirius until he was gently manoeuvred back onto the couch.
Sirius wiped under his eyes then tilted his face upwards. His face was dry again and there was a stoic, familiar determination on his face.
"Listen to me Jamie," James nodded, "I know this is hard. It's ... so unfair and I want to burn the world for it but. That's not what he needs. He needs you. But you have to be sure. You habe to make sure you can take it. That you won't run when it gets hard and you'll be there how he needs you to be. He- Reg doesn't want to say it but it's hard for him as well. He just doesn't show it. But you have to see it James. And you're going have to take it. And it's going to break your heart. So you have to be sure. Completely sure. Or you have to tell him now that you can't do it. And that'll be that."
~~~
He wasn't sure if he should. Regulus looked so peaceful in his sleep. In the end he stood and stared long enough for Regulus to wake up on his own. He sat up, watched him back for a second or two.
"So you know."
James nodded.
"Come to bed," Regulus said but it sounded more like a question.
James wordlessly stripped off his clothes, put on an old t-shirt, his most worn out pants and slipped into bed on the other side.
Regulus turned towards him and James did the same.
"You can ..." Regulus said and gestured a bit helplessly at the space between them?
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
James shuffled closer snd when he hesitated to wrap his arm around Regulus, Regulus huffed and closed the remaining space between them, his face pressed into James's chest.
At first James barely dared to breathe but then he tugged the blankets into place, making sure Regulus was completely tucked in and buried his nose in the soft hair tickling his cheek. He took a deep breath. And another. And another.
Regulus let him. Let himself get pulled even closer, almost crushed really, their legs tangled and warm and everything feeling soft.
When James already thought Regulus was long asleep he heard him quietly ask, "so you'll stay?" and he tightened his arms impossibly more. Just a little.
Then he ducked his head, pressed a kiss to Regulus's temple and whispered, "of course Reggie. Of course I'll stay. Forever if you want me to."
It was only because they were so tightly wrapped together that he could feel Regulus smile against his chest.