Chapter 10
Regulus stared at James's concerned face. From his right hand Potter's warmth crept up his arm, into his body. He wanted to yank it away, to tell Potter that he wasn't a girl and that he didn't need his hands or his warmth or his fussing, but he was so tired.
He should've been planning how to obliviate James. Or maybe where to hide his body. Instead he whispered, "I'm not a girl."
It was the opposite of the snide sharp comment it could have, maybe should have been. He raised his eyes, made sure there was as much determination as he could muster on his face.
James regarded him. "Okay. I ... I never thought you were."
"I'm not."
"Okay."
He relaxed a little but didn't speak again. He didn't even know what to say. How did you explain something like this? Nobody had ever talked to him about it, and even Sirius who had always done his best to hide every part that Regulus wanted to hide, had always been at a loss for what to say.
He had accepted his brother without question or hesitation. But neither of them had ever know what exactly it was they even were accepting. Or doing. All they knew was something was wrong with Regulus.
Fundamentally, deeply wrong. Something he couldn't explain or change and something that his parents were immensely displeased by.
Potter let go of his hand and started fiddling with the bedding in a manner so childish Regulus wanted to snap at him.
"You've been out for eight hours you know."
Regulus sat bolt right up so quickly his forehead almost collided with James's. He grabbed onto his arm, "my, my parents. James- my parents. I-"
"It's alright," James covered his clutching hands with his own. "I promise it's alright. I took care of them."
"You what?! How?"
"They are currently on their way to the 'conference of sophisticated wizards against the infestation of muggles', which they were invited to by the 'association of purebloods'." James said, a sheepish expression on his face.
"What? There is no such thing."
"No. But they don't know that. And as you know our transformation work is astute."
Regulus just blinked at him and James sighed. "Look we had to get rid of them so we tricked them to leave with an invitation. It's not ideal but it was the only thing I could come up with on the spot."
Cold dread flooded Regulus as he listened. He clutched his fingers into his blanket, all the blood draining from his face. "We?" He whispered.
Of course it was 'we'. This was James Potter. He probably went to the bathroom with company. Namely with Sirius as company.
"I needed help with the transformation so I asked Remus, but I didn't tell him anything."
"The werewolf?"
"Yes Reg, the werewolf. But he's not just that, he's also my friend. More friend than wolf if you want to know."
"Your friend. He's your friend! Not mine. He probably hates me. He'll tell Sirius, or the school or the -"
"Hold up Regulus tell them what?"
Regulus bit the inside of his cheek. Hard. He wasn't going to cry. But he didn't trust his voice anymore either and so he gestured towards his body helplessly. James's eyes widened.
"No! No Reg, no. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't even know that you're hurt. I asked him not to ask questions, to do me a favour and he won't. That's not the kind of guy he is."
Slowly air began filling Regulus' lungs again. "He doesn't know?"
"No, and he won't find out from me." James's face was serious. "Nobody will Regulus. No one. I'll take this to my grave, I won't tell a soul I promise, I -" he hesitated but then reached out to grasp Regulus, "I won't say I understand much of what's happening, but I understand the severity of this."
Regulus stared at him for a moment. Then he closed his fingers over James's forearm, which Merlins beard was probably thicker than his calf. Not what he should be concerned with right now. Or ever for that matter, but specifically not right now.
He watched James for another moment and then he began to nod. "Okay." He said. "Okay." Then he slowly lowered himself back onto the bed. Took a deep breath. "Okay."
~~~
Regulus slept most of the day. James had given him a shirt with an absolutely awful band print at the front, which definitely didn't belong to Regulus and had then left him to put it on.
Now under any other circumstances Regulus would have burned that atrocity and never looked back, but it did feel softer that silk.
When he'd taken off his shirt he'd tried to inspect the cuts, hissing in pain, only to discover there was a bandage slung all around his torso, right beneath his chest.
When he woke once more a few hours later exhaustion still ran through him. He wanted to turn and go back to sleep when his door opened. James stepped through silently, and Regulus watched as he carefully lowered a tray with cups and cutlery onto the desk.
Regulus didn't have a thing for heroes. Some sort of complex where he dreamed of being saved. But he had to admit that it was doing things to him to have James here, taking care of him. This big, strong, larger than life guy, who roughhoused with his friends and beat up his enemies. Who was also currently trying to be extremely careful as he filled a teacup and tip toed towards the bed.
"Oh, you're awake!" A broad grin spread on his features. "How're you feeling?"
Regulus cleared his throat. "Um, fine."
"Drink this," James said and when Regulus started to protest his expression became stern. "You need fluids Reg you lost a lot of blood." He paled slightly. "So much blood."
Regulus wordlessly sat up and took the cup.
James kept standing in front of him and for the first time in his life Regulus saw James looking ... unsure. Awkward maybe.
"About that um ... I mean now that you're feeling ... better ... I thought-"
"Potter. Sit down." James shuffled his feet. Then sat down at the edge of the bed. A lot further from Regulus than the time before but Regulus refused to be bothered by that. Didn't even really notice. Not one bit.
"So ... What exactly .. happened?"
Regulus clutched his cup tighter, stared into it with determination and when he hadn't spoken for a good minute James tentatively continued. "I um, did some research."
"Research?"
"Yeah, like, you know. About people like you."
"People like me?" His voice was becoming a bit shrill. He really should try and find other things to say than the words Potter had just used.
"Well, trans people, I guess."
"Trans people."
James frowned. "Is that not ... I mean, are you not? Trans? That's what I ... I mean I just thought ..." he stammered but Regulus's world had stopped.
Others. James had said there were others. For a moment he couldn't move, then he scooted forward, all traces of exhaustion gone. Judging by the sharp intake of breath James took he may have gotten a little too close but he didn't care. Not that there was emotion written all over his face or that he had basically crawled into Potter's lap or that he spilled some tea on his ugly but comfy new shirt.
"Tell me," he said, his voice shaking. "Tell me everything you know."
And James did. He kept insisting that it wasn't a lot, that there was much, much more but to Regulus who had never even heard a whisper about this, it was everything. Apparently the muggles had people like him. People with that deep feeling of 'something's wrong' that Regulus had grown up with.
He learned about this when James introduced him to this neat little device called a phone. Where you could talk to people or watch what they had written and which you could ask any and every question (like 'are there trans wizards', but then you just landed on a page that explained the rules to a game called DnD).
The muggles also had surgeries. They took peoples tits off or stuck penises onto them or chopped them off. They could even make you boobs. No kidding.
"So, was that what you were trying to do?" James asked in a soft voice after a while. He had left Regulus alone, letting him search the entire web, sipping his tea and glancing over occasionally. When Regulus looked up at him he nodded his head towards the screen where the specifics for top surgeries were explained.
"I ... guess ..." Regulus blew out a breath. James stayed silent. Watching him with his soft brown eyes.
"I hate them you know." Regulus said quietly. "They feel ... wrong and they make me feel awful. When they started .. growing I found this spell. Tissue removal. It's usually used for medical reasons. Cancer or growths and such."
Regulus glanced up. There was pain in James's eyes, like he knew what came next. But he didn't say anything, he would listen, Regulus knew.
"I figured if I just took out little pieces at a time it would work out. Problem is it takes a while, especially if you're doing it on yourself ... So I had to hold the wounds open for ... long periods of time."
"That what you used that for?" James gestured towards the dark green, deceptively innocent looking book still laying on the floor.
"Yeah. Found it in my mothers private library. It .. had what I needed."
James bent down and picked up the book, ran his fingers over the engraved words. The ancient artistry of darkness, it said. "Why'd it go wrong this time?"
Regulus hesitated. Potter had taken this all in with so much grace, hadn't judged him, and had even helped him. But the details ... They were morbid. Gruesome. He was pretty certain they sounded psychotic to someone with a healthy mind. A correct body.
"Mother has this dress for me," he finally said quietly. "It has a lot of ..." he flicked his hands towards his chest and Potter gave a little nod. "She um ... She makes me be a girl in front of company. There was no way ... I just had to fully get rid of them this time."
Regulus glanced at James who sat very still. Maybe he was already planning which psychward to put Regulus in. "I cut ... deeper. Deeper than usual, and it worked at first but then the bleeding wouldn't stop. I thought if I just waited ... Well, you know the rest."
Regulus blew out a breath and watched as James blinked a few times, his eyes shimmering with unspilled tears. Was he ..? Crying for Regulus?
Regulus couldn't resist the urge to move closer, then his fingers carefully touched James's face. James closed his eyes, wetness clinging to his lashes, his face bathed in the soft evening sun.
"Thanks for calling me Reg, I ... Promise me you always will. You need anything. Anything. You get me, okay?"
Regulus swallowed. "Okay."
James reached up, squeezing Regulus's hand. Then he sniffed loudly and Regulus couldn't help but grimace. It made him laugh, a wet, disgusting sound and Regulus pulled his hand from James, turned up his nose.
"You're laughing at your patient Potter."
"Well my patient is being a snotty bitch!"
"And," Regulus added, "you're keeping him from sleep, actively hindering the healing process. So shoo."
James laughed again, but moved from the bed and Regulus immediately missed him. Still he slipped back under the covers but glanced at a hovering Potter. "What?"
Potter sighed. "I think your parents are going to be home soon."
"Oh .." Regulus said and almost flinched at the disappointment in his own voice. "Well then," he said quickly, "you better get going."
"Oh yeah. Right. Will you be ...?"
"I'll be fine Potter."
"Right. Okay. Of course." Potter said and then started rummaging through his bag on the floor, murmuring about gathering his stuff. Then he carried out the tea. Then he straightened out Regulus's desk.
Regulus watched all of this with cinched eyes. When James started looking at the floor as if he might get a broom and start sweeping Regulus lost it. "Potter!" Potter jumped.
"What is it?" Regulus snapped.
"What? Nothing. It's uh ... Okay. So I've been thinking," he finally looked at Regulus again, but his fingers nervously plucked at the seams of his shirt.
Just to throw him a bone Regulus snorted. "Shocking," he said and to his relief James grinned, even if it was just a shadow of his usual bright smile.
"I was just thinking ... You won't really be able to rest tomorrow will you?"
Regulus sighed heavily and sunk deeper into the matress. He had been thinking about that too. He wasn't anywhere near healed and still exhausted but he couldn't, under any circumstances, let his parents know what had happened. "I'll pretend to be ill. Just not too ill or they'll take me to a healer ... So yes. No. I won't really be able to rest."
James nodded. "I figured. So um ... I mean usually ... I bet you wear a binder? Right? Or something similar?"
Binder. He'd read that just a few hours ago. The muggles had actual contraceptions to hide your chest. "I ... Yes ... I just wrap bandages really tightly- don't look like that Potter I'm being careful."
"Right, well, you can't do that now because of the stitches, but I was thinking ... if you wanted, I could do it? I think it would hurt if you did it and it should probably be done by the same bandage you put around the cuts and I just ... I think it would be difficult to do by yourself."
Regulus didn't say anything for a while. Potter seemed to have gotten over his initial shyness and met his gaze calmly. Then he smiled softly, "if not that's okay too. Just promise me you'll check in. And tell me if something hurts or looks bad."
Regulus nodded and with another little smile Potter was out the door. Regulus's mind whirred. He could get away with staying in bed today but tomorrow ... he'd have to get up. Have breakfast. Maybe catch up on his piano skills.
He winced in pain when he got out of bed but still hurried towards the door, ripped it open, "Potter!"
James, who had just been about to descend the stairs whirled around, concern written over his face. He hurried back towards Regulus.
"What happened? What's going on?"
"Did you say stitches?" Regulus blurted out and James chocked out a laugh.
"Yeah, I- come on, let's get you back to bed and I'll tell you what I did. Guess I kind of forgot that huh."
Regulus nodded and mumbled and then got bundled into a cocoon of blankets, protesting lightly and ignoring the fuzzy warm feeling in his chest.
James's expression was serious when he began to talk. "Nothing I did would stop the bleeding. No spell. No charms. No potions. The only thing I could think of was getting you to St. Mungos but I figured there was a reason you hadn't just done that yourself and given the ah, sensitive subject of the injury the only other thing was giving you stitches."
"Stitches?" Regulus squeaked. "You mean you sowed me up?"
"Well, kinda."
"Kinda?!"
"I used to watch my dad do it on our sheep and it was the only other way I knew how to take care of you."
Regulus nodded slowly. The thought of a thread being literally in his body made him a little queasy but he got it. James had done the best he could.
"You have a sheep?"
A warm smile. "Yeah. Sheep, plural. You should ... you should come see them sometime."
Regulus didn't say anything. Basked in the invitation. They both did, knowing it would never happen. He started fiddling with the bedspread. "About the, um, the binding thing. I'd- I'd really appreciate it. Just for um, for tomorrow maybe?"
"Yeah, sure. Anything you need Reggie."
James hesitated then he bent forward and pressed a soft kiss to Regulus's forehead. "I'll see you in the morning."