Chapter 7
Regulus was an idiot. He was damn good seeker and a semi good son and a world class insomniac and also an absolute idiot.
He knew all of that. He did. But that didn't really stop him from slinking through the darkest corners of the castle, using staircases long forgotten, always going up, up, up until he stood in the highest floor, in front of a wooden oak door and calling himself an idiot.
It wasn't new for Regulus to not sleep or to wander the castle in search of a distraction. But never had his feet had such purpose as tonight, carrying him to James Potter's door for reasons he didn't want to think about.
The thing was ... He felt safe in there. They hadn't talked a word about the whole dancing thing since it happened but Potter had invited him to finish the assignment in his room and Regulus had, stupidly, agreed. And it was ... good. Nice. Peaceful.
Regulus didn't like loud people, mostly because his brother had been one of them and never even tried to contain himself around someone like Regulus. But Potter's loudness was different. It wrapped around him with the bustle of shuffling papers or humming a tune. Sometimes, when they'd been silently studying for a while James would leave and return with some food, his energy a little less buzzing again.
When he was in that room he was content. As content as someone like Regulus could ever be.
He could still go back. Just, head back to the Slytherin common room, maybe read ... Was that Mrs. Norris? Yeah. Definitely. There was something making noises downstairs and it would be absolutely irresponsible of him to go back. Suicidal even.
He knocked on the door. It took a minute and then it opened and a very ruffled, very
squinting James peaked out.
"Pads what's going on, are you- Oh. Regulus?" He squinted a little more, opening the door fully.
"Yup." Regulus said and then shamelessly used Potter's confusion and his own size (or lack thereof) against him and darted inside the room.
James blinked. "Okay then. Come on in I guess." He closed the door and then walked towards his nightstand, groping for his glasses and jamming them on.
Regulus suddenly didn't know what he was doing here anymore. The sense of ease he usually had in here seemed to be more dependent on the situation and weirdly forcing himself in here in the middle of the night did not bring the desired effect.
Potter gazed at him as he stood in the middle of the room, hugging himself and still feeling like an idiot. He jutted his chin out. "So my brother often visits you at night?"
"Yeah," James said, either missing or blatantly ignoring Regulus's innuendo (and his tone). "He has nightmares." He raked his eyes over Regulus one more time then said, "I'm gonna make you tea."
With James's back turned Regulus could finally freak out a little more. Quietly and internally of course, but enough to jolt when Potter appeared in front of where he was still standing with his arms crossed.
The urge to pointedly decline the steaming mug was almost overwhelming. And very ridiculous, he reminded himself and took his tea, mumbling a thank you.
James nodded and then sat on the bed against the headboard, motioning for Regulus to join him.
"So, what brings you here?"
Regulus finally decided on taking the invitation and perched himself on the edge of the bed. "Couldn't sleep." He said, staring into his tea.
"Yeah, I gathered that," Potter sounded slightly amused. When Regulus chanced a glance at him he had taken off his glasses again and was half covered by the comforter. He looked sleepy and cosy.
Regulus put down his tea. "I should go."
"You can sleep here if you want," James's voice was calm but more awake than his demeanour would suggest. "It's not a big deal. Sirius does it all the time, and Marlene used come up here and play chess with me until she fell asleep."
Regulus hesitated. "Um, where would I sleep?"
James patted the space beside him.
"Umm. Why?"
James shrugged. "It helps sometimes. Being close to someone."
Regulus highly doubted that.
"Just give it a try maybe? If you can't sleep, leave. If you can," he shrugged again, "doesn't matter." James smiled easily and Regulus was, as established, an idiot. And so he quickly slipped into bed, avoiding to look at Potter at all costs, and laying down as far away from him as possible.
He could see Potter's grin in his peripheral but chose to ignore it, focusing on the high ceiling. "You're under the roof," he commented stupidly and then snapped his mouth shut.
Potter who had just reached out to kill the lights again turned back to him and followed Regulus' gaze. "Yeah. They actually didn't want to use this room because of the potential dangers, but I promised Minnie to never develop an affinity for climbing and start training right in this room."
"I never really noticed it before. It's nice." It really was. There were a couple of wooden bars, supporting what must've been the roof of some of the castles roof. It felt like it gave a lot of space.
"It is," Potter agreed and then finally killed the lights. "Night Regulus." Regulus heard him turning away, getting comfortable, all the while he himself was strung tight as a bowstring. He was still wearing his chest wrapped, had been for a while now, and sleeping in that thing was definitely not a good idea. But he didn't have a choice.
He moved around a little, trying to evade the pressure as much as possible. Laying on the side was awful because then his arms squeezed his chest even more and it hurt, but he couldn't really breathe on his back ... Maybe he should just leave.
"Reggie? Are you alright?" James whispered even though there was no one around to be disturbed.
"Am I keeping you awake? I'm sorry. I should just go."
There was a rustle of sheets and then the light was back on, James blinking wildly against it and then shoving on his glasses one more time. "Are you uncomfortable?"
"Yes."
"Because of me?" There was no accusation in Potter's tone, but Regulus had to avert his eyes. He felt awful.
"In a way." He said and before James could reply he continued quickly. "Would you do something for me, please? I mean, a couple of something's actually but um would you?"
James only looked surprised for a second. "Yes. Of course. Just tell me what you need."
Something fluttered in Regulus' stomach and he took a deep breath. "You have to promise me not to touch me okay?" James's eyes grew wide.
"Touch you?" he stammered. "I would never touch you, or anyone, I would never-"
"No! No, yeah no, I know that! I didn't mean- I meant touch me. In general. At night. You can't roll over and accidentally brush me, or cuddle me or warm your feet against mine. Just don't touch me."
James looked at him very seriously. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
He had expected questions, and had no idea how James was planning on keeping that promise but somehow that simple, steady reassurance settled him.
"I also need to ... I have to ... use the, the bathroom, but you have to ... Could you switch the light out again?"
James frowned, "I-" he started. Then he turned and switched out the light, laid back down. "Bathroom is right across from you, beside the wardrobe."
Regulus nodded before he remembered that James couldn't see him and then slipped out of bed and into the bathroom.
He was being ridiculous. He knew he was being ridiculous. His chest wasn't very large to begin with and he was wearing a huge sweater where nothing would be visible. But somehow this made things better. More comfortable. It wasn't just the fear of Potter finding out and telling people, because he had come to know Potter and was pretty sure he wouldn't actually do that. But there was also this fear of being seen as a girl.
As a someone with breasts to cup and hips to hold and a mouth to kiss. He'd been a girl for many long years of his life, still had to pretend to be one occasionally for his family; he knew what some guys were like.
He took a deep breath as the compressing feeling of his binding eased and avoided looking in the mirror before he pulled his shirt back on. Then he padded back out into the room after checking that the light was still off and carefully slid back into bed.
It was difficult tell how far away James was laying, but there was no heat Regulus could feel. What he could feel however was the complete absence of movement, as if Potter was afraid to breathe and accidentally brush against Regulus.
"Regulus?"
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?" James cleared his throat. "I mean physically. Is there ... Are you hurt?"
Warmth crept into Regulus. He could've been doing Merlin knows what in that bathroom, could be trying to knock Potter out in his sleep for his deatheater family. At least that was what Regulus would have suspected if someone like him had made odd requests like that. But James asked if he was okay. Maybe that made him a bit of an idiot too.
"Yes, I promise I am, I just ..." he didn't know how to finish that sentence and James spoke immediately as he broke off.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I just need ... to know you're alright."
"I am." And for right now, he actually was.
~~
When Regulus woke early the next morning there was sunlight streaming through the high windows. He sat up and then had to press a hand to his mouth to stop his laughter when he saw Potter, laying there, ramrod straight, his arms pinned to his sides and apparently unmoved ever since he'd fallen asleep.