I can't pretend it's okay when it's not
Remus grunted as he dragged his suitcase up the rather large flight of stairs in front of him. It wasn’t that the case was particularly heavy, he had always been a light packer, but his back was playing up again and it currently felt like someone was bending his spine out of shape.
He paused halfway and wiped his brow. It was the middle of summer and he felt sweat begin to pool on his skin. He grimaced as he remembered just how many stairs Hogwarts had. This whole weekend was going to suck.
It had been ten years since he’d set foot on these grounds, yet Remus could still remember every nook and cranny of this school. They did spend years making a map of its entirety after all. The map was at the very bottom of his suitcase, where Remus had thrown it in on a whim. He doubted the others would even care that he still had it, but he brought it with him just in case.
He squinted slightly at the extravagant decorations the school had put up to welcome them. The entrance was covered in banners and balloons and Remus fought not to roll his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, Hogwarts was one of, if not the most prestigious boarding school in the country.
He remembered how thrilled he was when his parents had sat him down on his thirteenth birthday to tell him that he would be attending Hogwarts until he graduated. The school wasn’t too far from the small Scottish town where they lived and Remus had spent a lot of his childhood watching the Hogwarts boys come into the town while wishing he was one of them.
Lyall and Hope would never have afforded the ridiculous fees if Remus’ grandmother hadn’t died when he was twelve and left his parents a rather large sum of money, and it was enough to pay for Remus’ education and then some.
However, Hogwarts wasn’t all he expected it to be at first. Remus stuck out like a sore thumb compared to the rich kids that had been going there for years, and he spent the first few weeks being miserable and feeling like he made a terrible mistake. His roommates, James, Sirius and Peter, were all very close and Remus felt left out most of the time.
It all changed one October night when Remus had snuck away to a far corner of the school to wallow by himself. Sirius had followed him there and sat beside Remus in silence for a little while. Once Remus had stopped sniffling Sirius had smiled at him, pulled out a bag full of stink bombs and asked Remus if he wanted to go and throw them at the Slytherins together. They only threw half before they got confiscated and they had both gotten detention, but Remus had gained a friend.
After that, the four of them did everything together. Remus finally had everything he ever wanted, he was a Hogwarts student and he had the best friends he could ask for. Remus didn’t think he would ever be as happy again as he was back then.
Seeing the Hogwarts entrance brought back all the memories, good and bad, that he had tried to supress over the years. It’s not that he regrets any of it, but almost all of the memories had him in them, and it was just too painful to remember.
Remus closed his eyes and breathed for a few seconds. He thought he could do this, but he was wrong. He wasn’t ready to see him again. Upon changing his mind, he turned around to head back down the stairs but slammed straight into someone behind him.
“Oomph,” the person let out as they staggered backwards slightly. Remus quickly reached out to catch them before they could fall, then a slow smile spread across his face as he recognised the person in front of him.
“Remus?” She said, breaking out into a grin. Remus didn’t have time to reply before she was throwing herself into his arms. He caught her easily, laughing slightly as he spun her around in a circle.
“Hey Marls,” he said breathlessly as he set her down. Marlene was bouncing on her feet in excitement, she barely stayed still long enough for Remus to get a good look at her. She hadn’t changed much, wild blonde hair billowed around her head and she was wearing a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt along with bright red lipstick. Remus felt warm, she was the same old Marls, just a few years older.
“I’m so glad I ran into a familiar face,” Marlene said, nudging him with her shoulder, “I was terrified to walk into the hall alone, but now I have you!”
Remus chuckled, “honestly, me too. I was about to leave actually.”
Marlene furrowed her brow, “what? Why?”
“I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”
Marlene raised an eyebrow like she was expecting him to elaborate. Remus scuffed the ground with his shoe.
“I haven’t seen anyone in years,” he confessed, “we kind of all drifted apart. Well, you know, it happened with us too.”
“Isn’t that the whole point of the reunion though,” Marlene pointed out, “to connect with old friends?”
“I suppose, but what if we don’t get along anymore? It’s been a long time. I’ve changed, and so have they.”
Marlene shook her head, “nah, you look the same to me.”
Remus snorted, “yeah, so do you.”
Marlene linked her arm in his and led them through the large open doors. Remus sighed, it seemed like he was doing this after all. As soon as they were inside someone took their cases off them and said that they would be sent up to their rooms.
“Some things never change,” Marlene chuckled, “come on, lets go find the others.”
They headed towards the chatter that was coming from the hall, where the other ex-students were gathered. Remus couldn’t help the nerves that danced in his stomach, and quickly shook his head. There was nothing to be nervous about, as Marlene said he was here to catch up with his old classmates for a few days, then he would leave and probably never see them again. It would be fine.
“Mr Lupin, Miss McKinnon,” said a familiar voice from behind them. Remus spun around and was face to face with his old teacher Professor McGonagall. He bit back a laugh at the sight, she looked exactly the same as she did twelve years ago. He wondered if she would still sound the same as she did when she would screech at them down the corridor for some prank they had pulled.
He nodded at her, “hello professor.”
She smiled, “you’re not my student anymore Mr Lupin, I think you can call me Minerva now.”
Remus grimaced, “um, I’m not sure if I can.” The thought of referring to his teacher by her first name was just too weird.
“Well, I can,” Marlene piped in, “but that means you have to call me Marlene, Minerva.”
McGonagall laughed lightly, “very well Marlene, it’s great to have you both back.”
Remus opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by a rather loud shriek from across the room. There was a flash of red hair then himself and Marlene were dragged into a tight hug.
“It’s so good to see you guys,” Lily babbled as she wrapped her arms around their necks. Remus squeezed her gently.
“Yeah, you too.”
Lily pulled back but kept her hands on Remus’ arms and looked him up and down with a scrutinising expression. She glared at him for a few more seconds before she smacked him on the arm.
“I’m mad at you,” she declared, while simultaneously reaching up to ruffle his hair.
Remus rubbed his arm, “erm, can I ask why?”
“Because,” Lily said slowly, “it’s been impossible to track you down the last few years. Seriously Remus, do you know the number of times I tried calling you? You never picked up. If Scotland wasn’t so damn far away I would have shown up and knocked your door down.”
Remus grimaced, “I’m sorry Lily,” he mumbled, “things have just been busy, you know?”
“Too busy to visit your best friends?” Lily folded her arms, “you’ve never even met Harry. He’s two now, two years old Remus. I get that it’s a long way to travel but not even making the trip to see him?”
Remus felt guilt run through him. He hadn’t avoided Lily on purpose, but where Lily was James was, and where James was Sirius was, and Remus just couldn’t face him. It was too hard. But the look Lily was giving him made him feel like he should have stopped being pathetic and sucked it up.
“I never meant to hurt you, I promise,” he said quietly, unable to meet her gaze.
“I know,” Lily hugged him again, “I know. You can make it up to me now though.”
Remus laughed, “that depends on what you have in mind.”
Lily’s eyes sparkled, making Remus grin in delight. To those who didn’t know her, Lily Evans seemed like a rule follower and never stepped a toe out of line, but Remus knew better. Lily loved mischief, at the proper time of course. Apparently Remus and his friends didn’t have the best timing back in school, leading to Lily scolding them often.
“James will be pleased to see you,” Lily announced, dragging him across the room, “he was upset when you stopped calling.”
Remus suddenly felt bad again. He was slightly nervous to face James, but he was one of the most easy-going people Remus had ever met. He would forgive him.
He glanced around the room to try and see where Marlene went, only for his heart to stop once he saw who she was talking to. Remus knew that this moment would come, that they would have to see each other again, but nothing could have prepared him for how it actually felt.
Sirius was wearing unfairly tight jeans and his usual leather jacket. His hair was pulled up into a bun and he was chatting to Marlene easily, with all the charm and none of the awkwardness that Remus possessed. Remus looked down at himself, his ripped jeans and faded t-shirt made him feel underdressed in comparison. He’d always felt underdressed next to Sirius, no matter how much effort he put in. He’d accepted it eventually, that standing next to a star anyone else would fade into the background.
Remus wasn’t sure how long he was staring for before Sirius seemed to sense it and looked up. Their eyes met across the room, and Remus wanted to scream. He had both longed for and dreaded this moment for years, seeing the man he loved again. He was about to raise his hand to wave when Sirius’ eyes narrowed. The grin on his face had vanished and was replaced with a look of coldness that made Remus’ stomach sink.
Still mad then, got it.
He forced himself to turn away and swallowed the lump in his throat. He had hoped that the years would have thawed some of the ice between them, but apparently not. If Sirius still hated him then this was going to be a long weekend.
He pushed it away to the back of his mind and plastered a smile onto his face as Lily led him over to his old best friends.
“Well well,” James announced, sipping his drink, “look who it is.”
Remus fidgeted awkwardly, “hey James… Peter…”
“Hey Moony,” Peter said cheerfully, slapping Remus on the shoulder. The only hint that he was also not pleased with him was the force behind it. Remus tried not to wince.
“Glad to see you’re still alive mate,” James continued.
Remus tried to laugh but it got stuck in his throat, “erm, yeah, sorry for disappearing on you guys.”
James raised an eyebrow, “sorry for disappearing? We’ve hardly seen or heard from you in five years Remus, and that’s the best you can do?”
Remus raised his chin, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I stopped calling and visiting, I promise you that it wasn’t personal, I just needed some time. But you’re my best friends, and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.”
James stared him down for a few more seconds and Remus began to panic as he considered the option that maybe James wouldn’t let him off that easily after all. His anxiety dissipated when James pulled him into a hug.
“Ah Moons, I can’t stay mad at you.”
Remus laughed, returning the hug. Once James pulled back Peter was also dragging him in. Relief rushed through him, they were okay.
“So,” Peter said, “how is our favourite author?”
Remus grimaced, “I think favourite might be a bit of a stretch.”
James shook his head, “it’s true. We all read your book and it’s brilliant, really.”
Remus flushed at the praise, feeling slightly uncomfortable, “well it’s alright I suppose.”
“Alright? Alright?” Lily piped in, “it was named book of the year in The Daily Telegraph Remus, or have you forgotten?”
Remus couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face, remembering how he had fallen off his chair when he read it. The years of work and sacrifice had finally paid off. His only complaint was that he wished he had someone to share it with, but he supposed that now he did.
“I guess it is pretty cool,” he said, accepting a drink off the tray that was going around the room.
Lily raised her own glass, “a toast,” she announced, “to reconnecting with friends, and for how far we’ve all come.”
Remus clinked his glass against the others happily, taking a long drink. He was just beginning to think that this might not be so bad when someone cleared their throat behind him. Remus closed his eyes, feeling his breathing quicken.
“Ah, there you are,” James said, pulling Sirius into the circle they had formed.
Sirius held his arms out, “here I am, in all my glory.”
James shoved him and Sirius laughed. The sound echoed in Remus’ ears and he picked at a loose cuticle on his finger nervously.
Sirius’ eyes finally turned to him. Remus tried not to squirm as Sirius looked him up and down, before slowly raising an eyebrow.
“I’m surprised you showed,” he said slowly.
Remus shrugged, “I’m surprised you care.”
Sirius studied him for a bit longer before turning to James. They fell into an easy conversation, and Remus was rather relieved to be ignored.
The sound of a glass clinking made the room fall silent. Remus looked up see their old headmaster standing on the raised platform at the front of the room. His eyes twinkled as he took them all in.
“Welcome,” Dumbledore announced, voice booming, “it’s wonderful to have you all back for the ten year reunion of the class of 1978.”
A few cheers and whistles went up around the room, James and Sirius among them. Remus stayed quiet.
“I hope you will all enjoy your stay here this weekend and be taken back to your youth,” Dumbledore continued, “I for one am delighted to see all your faces again. That’s all from me, please mingle and enjoy yourselves, food will be served soon.”
Cheers erupted again as he stepped down from the platform.
“Damn, it’s hard to believe he’s even still alive,” Sirius muttered and Remus bit back a laugh.
“Definitely,” James agreed, “he seemed ancient when we were in school.”
“How old is he?” Peter asked, his head tilted to the side.
“No one knows,” Sirius declared, “but I’m saying 101.”
Remus shook his head, “no way, he wouldn’t be able to walk.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, “maybe the man’s a wizard.”
Remus held his stare, “maybe.”
They all sat down in the same place they always sat in school. Remus glanced around in amusement when he noticed, old habits die hard. Sirius was also grinning, but his smile faded when they made eye contact. Remus tried not to sigh, he wasn’t sure how to make this better but he had to try.
He ended up opposite Sirius, who was pointedly ignoring him and talking to Mary and Marlene who had come over to join them, along with Dorcas who Marlene was dating in school. Remus was pleased that they were still together and greeted her happily. He then turned to Lily who was on his left.
“Tell me about Harry.”
Lily’s face lit up, and she started explaining to Remus how he was walking and talking now, which they were delighted by at first but now she wished he was a baby again due to the many tantrums that followed. Remus listened happily, a small twinge of sadness inside him that he missed seeing his best friends child take his first steps or say his first word. At least he could make up for it now, and he vowed to himself to go and visit as soon as possible.
Remus didn’t realise just how much he missed everyone until he got here. The cottage he lived in was lovely, but it was very isolated and the only human interaction Remus got was his parents and the owner of the local shop. He thought that he liked the peace but he was now realising that he was desperately lonely.
The food was served and they all fell into a happy silence as they loaded their plates.
“God I missed this,” Marlene mumbled around a mouthful of chicken.
Dorcas chuckled, “me too. I love you but your cooking is awful.”
Marlene let out a cry of outrage and swatted at Dorcas, who caught her hand and kissed it. Marlene visibly melted, and Remus tried to ignore the way his chest ached at the sight. He caught Sirius’ eye and wondered if he was thinking the same thing Remus was, as that could have been them.
Sirius didn’t give any indication that he was hurting as much as Remus was, calmly tucking into his food. Remus swallowed down his nerves before getting his attention.
“So,” he began, bouncing his leg under the table, “what have you been up to the last few years?”
He’d expected Sirius to give a snarky response or ignore him altogether, but Sirius surprised him. He was always surprising Remus, he used to joke about how he liked to keep him on his toes.
“I got my gallery,” Sirius said, a small smile on his face, “I managed to save enough money to buy a place, then James and Lily helped me renovate it. I opened it about three years ago.”
Remus nodded, “that’s great. Have you sold much?”
Sirius gave him a look, “obviously.”
Remus held his hands up, “sorry, was only asking.”
Sirius scrutinised him a little longer before relenting, “I’ve sold more than I was expecting to be honest. Turns out that people actually like my art.”
“I always liked it,” Remus said quietly.
Sirius’ hand paused on its way to his mouth. He recovered quickly, however.
“I saw you published your book.”
“Yeah,” Remus replied, “I finally finished it.”
“I guess the Scottish countryside really did give you inspiration huh.” There was a slightly bitter tone to Sirius’ voice.
Remus shrugged it off, “yeah, I suppose it did. Did you read it?”
Sirius shook his head, “no.”
Remus tried not to feel disappointed, “I didn’t really expect you to.”
“I read about it in the paper though,” Sirius offered, “it seems that we both got what we wanted.”
Remus considered this carefully, the days of him being a poor writer and Sirius an aspiring artist were long gone. They’d both succeeded in their dreams, even if it wasn’t together like they had planned. He wanted to say ‘almost’ but lost his nerve. The way Sirius was looking at him was making it a little hard to breathe.
“Seems that way.”
Sirius didn’t respond, and they fell into an awkward silence. Remus desperately wanted to fill it, but he had no idea what to say. It was a strange feeling, when they were together there were plenty of silences, if you spend every day with a person then you eventually run out of things to talk about after all. The quiet was never uncomfortable though, and they were both content just to be in each other’s company.
Apparently that was something else they had lost. Remus tried to swallow his food but he couldn’t get it down. There was a lump in his throat which was growing by the second, and he excused himself before he did something humiliating.
He made his way to the bathroom and thankfully found it empty.
“Fuck,” he muttered as he gripped the sink, dropping his head down. He had been right, this was terrible. He didn’t know how he was going to survive three whole days with Sirius, Remus already felt like he was dying.
The breakup had been awful, the only relief Remus got was that they were at opposite ends of the country, so there was no risk of running into each other. Remus didn’t think he’d have survived if he’d seen Sirius at all during those first few months. Time had made it slightly easier, but not by much.
He stared at himself in the mirror, letting out a bitter laugh. He’d always considered himself lucky that Sirius had ever noticed him at all. Remus wasn’t anything special, his height and small frame made him look lanky even at nearly thirty. He cursed the people who would tell him he’d grow out of it, clearly they were wrong.
His hair and eyes were a boring shade of brown, his clothes worn and tatty. He’d made enough money from his book to afford new ones, but Remus had never really had excess cash, and didn’t know how to go about spending it.
Remus didn’t think he was particularly ugly, but he was the sort of guy that faded into the background, that no one really noticed. Everything about himself was plain average, from his looks to the sweaters he loved to wear. No wonder Sirius grew tired of him.
There was nothing dull about Sirius. He was like a storm, he came crashing into people’s lives and when he left, they were never quite the same again. Remus never could keep up with him, not in the same way James could. If James hadn’t been madly in love with Lily since they were thirteen then they would have been a much better match.
Yet for some reason Sirius had chosen Remus. He never did understand why, but he was thankful for it every day. Even if it did inevitably end, for a few years Remus didn’t feel boring, not with Sirius by his side.
He splashed some water on his face then left the bathroom, not wanting to seem suspicious by leaving for too long. He was on his way back to the hall when he saw McGonagall approaching from the other direction. He nodded at her but was surprised when she stopped him in his tracks.
“Remus, I wanted to have a word with you if that’s alright.”
“Erm, sure,” Remus replied, slightly confused.
McGonagall smiled at him fondly, and Remus tried to return it but it likely appeared more like a grimace. He was far too awkward for this, where was James when you needed him?
“So, our current English teacher retired about a month ago,” she began, “which gave us the summer to find a replacement but we haven’t had much luck so far.”
“Right,” Remus said warily, unsure what this had to do with him.
“Your work was always very impressive,” McGonagall continued, “and I’ve read your books, they’re truly excellent.”
“Thank you,” Remus replied, slightly warm from the compliment, McGonagall didn’t give them out easily.
“The point is, I think you’d make an excellent teacher too.”
Remus’ eyes widened, “you don’t mean…” he trailed off.
“Oh yes Remus, this is me offering you a job here, at Hogwarts.”
Remus was lost for words. He’d never even considered teaching before, he didn’t know if he’d be any good at it. There was a difference between knowing how to do something and explaining it to others.
“You don’t have to decide straight away,” McGonagall said gently, “and if you’re worried about your writing, you’ll have spare time, and there’s long holidays of course.”
“I’ll definitely think about it,” Remus said breathlessly, his mind spinning. Yes he’d had one successful book, but he was only twenty eight and there was no guarantee that he could live off writing for the rest of his career. Yet he’d worked so hard to be a full time author, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready to give it up.
“Well just let me know what you decide.” McGonagall laid a hand on his shoulder before she walked away. Remus continued standing there for a few minutes. The money was definitely good here, the fancy cars all the teachers drove were proof of that. But Remus never had been money hungry.
He made his way down the corridor slowly, still in a daze when he sat back down at the table. Lily nudged him gently.
“Remus? Are you alright?”
Remus nodded, “yeah, good.”
Lily seemed to accept this, but Remus could see Sirius giving him a funny look from across the table. Remus decided not to share the news just yet, not until he’d made a decision anyway.
The rest of the evening flew by, and soon they were making their way up to Gryffindor tower. Remus found it so odd to be back here, in the place where he spent such a large amount of his life. It hurt slightly to see the common room where he and Sirius had spent so many nights curled up together by the fire, smoking by the window, or laughing while playing games in the corner.
Remus swallowed, saying a quick goodnight to the girls before he headed up the stairs. It was likely to be even worse in their old room, but at least he could hide it better hidden in his bed.
“Wow, this place hasn’t changed at all,” James said as he pushed open the door. Remus took it all in; the four beds arranged into a circle, the wardrobes that looked like they were about to fall apart ten years ago let alone now, the narrow window with the ledge underneath it where Remus loved to perch with a book and a cigarette. If he closed his eyes he could almost pretend that he was a teenager again, blissfully unaware of the hardships of real life.
“Anyone mind if I use the bathroom first?” He asked and was met with a chorus of “no mate,” and “go ahead.”
He dug around in his suitcase then closed the bathroom door behind him. It didn’t take him long to brush his teeth and wash his face. He remembered watching Lily do her night routine once and wondered how she had the energy to use so many products. He changed into his usual pyjamas, a plain t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and went back into the room. The others were chatting about something and he listened carefully to try and catch up.
“I can’t believe you brought the guitar for one weekend,” James was saying. Remus looked over and sure enough Sirius’ guitar was leant against his bed.
“I never go anywhere without it,” Sirius said shrugging, “it’s my most prized possession.”
“More than the bike?” Peter feigned shock.
Sirius shoved him, “fine, they’re joint first.”
They all laughed. Remus grabbed his book and collapsed on his bed, exhausted. He opened it and pretended to read while really listening in on their conversation.
“Go on then, play something,” James said, gesturing towards the guitar.
“Nah,” Sirius shook his head, “maybe tomorrow, it’s late and I’m tired. It’s a long way from London to Scotland.” He gave Remus a pointed look which he pretended not to notice.
James shrugged, “alright then.” He got up to use the bathroom and the room fell silent. Remus sighed in relief, finally able to focus on his book. He zoned out for a bit, he wasn’t sure for how long but was brought back out of it by a door slamming.
He sank into his pillow, wanting to just sleep this whole weekend away. It was strange to be looking up at the same ceiling that he spent hours staring at during his teenage years. He spent many sleepless nights counting the squares that formed a pattern above him, when his curtains were drawn he could see 53. He wasn’t sure why he could still remember that.
The sounds of the others getting ready for bed filled his ears, and he rolled onto his side to watch. The familiarity of the thing comforted him slightly. James was flipping through a magazine on his bed while Peter was in the bathroom. Remus glanced over at Sirius, only for his mouth to fall open.
Sirius was standing at the foot of his bed in nothing but his boxer shorts. Remus tried desperately not to stare, but he couldn’t help it. Sirius had gotten a few new tattoos since Remus had last seen him, and he traced the shapes with his eyes. His mouth was dry, but it got even drier when Sirius looked over and caught Remus in the act. He quickly looked away, but not before he saw Sirius grin wickedly at him.
Remus narrowed his eyes, had Sirius done that on purpose? Despite his confidence Remus knew that Sirius always undressed in private, or at least he used to. Maybe he didn’t know him that well anymore.
Remus quickly rolled over and stared at the ceiling again until Sirius had disappeared behind the curtains around his bed. Remus quickly drew his own to hide the flush spreading down his face and neck. He sighed deeply, back in their school days Remus would have snuck over to Sirius’ bed, but he couldn’t do that anymore. God, it just wasn’t fair. Remus was in hell.
It was safe to say that he didn’t get much sleep. Besides from the fact that his mind wouldn’t shut off, he was used to sleeping alone and he couldn’t tune out the sounds of James and Peter snoring anymore. Sirius was quiet, but Remus knew that he also snored, but it was the soft kind that you could only hear if you were lying next to him. Remus supposed that he was lucky he got the chance to find out that information.
He could feel Sirius’ presence from across the room, and it was unbearable. He was just a few feet away, and if Remus leaned out of his own bed he would be able to touch Sirius’. Several times his hand twitched towards the curtain and he had to force it back underneath the covers.
He was an adult for God’s sake, he needed to get a grip. He wasn’t a teenager controlled by hormones anymore, but something about Sirius had always driven him a little insane.
Eventually he fell into a restless sleep, and it wasn’t long before James’ alarm went off, causing them all to groan.
“What time is it?” Peter cried out. Remus rolled over to peer at his own clock, which read six in the morning. He put his pillow over his head to muffle the piercing sound, one thing he did not miss.
“Sorry lads,” James said as he shuffled around to turn it off, “I’m going for a jog if anyone wants to join?”
“You’re insane,” Sirius muttered, “who the hell wants to run at this time?”
“You don’t want to run, ever,” James pointed out, then yelped, which was followed by a thudding noise. Remus assumed it was Sirius throwing a pillow at him and chuckled.
“Dunno what you’re laughing at,” he heard Sirius say, “you were woken up too.”
Remus stuck his head out of his curtains to see him sitting up in bed with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. He bit back another laugh, first thing in the morning was probably the only time when Sirius was a mess. But despite the dark circles around his eyes and the knots in his hair he was still unfairly beautiful, and suddenly Remus wasn’t laughing anymore.
“Not all of us are as grumpy as you when we wake up,” he said with fake cheeriness in his voice. He wasn’t particularly happy about it either but he wasn’t going to miss an opportunity. Sirius huffed in annoyance and drew his curtains closed again. Remus fell back into bed in satisfaction, closing his eyes to try and get a bit more sleep.
They were all a bit bleary eyed as they made their way down to breakfast a bit later, except for James who was full of energy, the lunatic.
“Good morning my love,” he announced once they reached the table, leaning down to kiss Lily on the head. She mumbled something in response, patting his cheek fondly. She poured him a cup of tea while James settled in beside her, and it was all wonderfully domestic.
Remus sighed as he went to pour himself some coffee but stopped as a mug was pushed towards him. Sirius continued to stir milk and sugar into his own, but left Remus’ black, just how he liked it.
“Thanks,” Remus muttered, slightly surprised. Sirius didn’t respond, and he fought not to roll his eyes. How he went from hating Remus’ guts to pouring him coffee was beyond him.
James and Mary chatted loudly, being the only two morning people at the table, while the rest of them sat quietly, blinking sleep from their eyes.
“What should we do today?” Mary asked. The only organised event for the weekend was the formal ball on Sunday evening, the rest of the time they had free reign, which could be fun, or terrible, who knew.
“I want to go on the boats,” Marlene said, which didn’t shock anyone. She used to be on the school’s rowing team after all.
Mary nodded, “alright, we can head down to the lake after breakfast?”
They all murmured in agreement. Remus wasn’t bothered what they did, he was bound to sneak away at some point anyway for some peace and quiet. He loved his friends, but a daily reset was necessary for his own sanity.
It was already warm when they made their way outside, indicating that it would be hot later. Remus didn’t do well in the heat so at least they were getting the outdoor activities out of the way early.
The sun reflected prettily off the lake as they approached, casting patterns across the surface of the water. Remus stopped to admire it, the lake had always been one of his favourite places on the grounds.
Lily clapped her hands to get their attention, “right, it’s two to a boat so get into pairs.”
Remus bit back a smile, it might have been a long time but she was still a prefect at heart. He glanced around at the others, Marlene was very pointedly standing by Dorcas, while James was with Peter. Remus was about to head over to Lily but she threw an arm around Mary while grinning at Remus.
Remus groaned internally, before slowing turning around to face Sirius, who looked equally as pained. He gave an exasperated look to the sky before he walked over to one of the boats. He glared at Lily as he went past and she winked at him. Remus was now forced to spend an hour or so in a confined space with his ex who hated his guts. Life was cruel.
The boat toppled precariously as he got in and Remus threw out a hand to steady himself.
“Careful mate, don’t want to fall in before we’ve even left the shore,” James called out while laughing, and Remus shot him the finger. He sat down slowly, thankful that the boat didn’t tip again. Sirius climbed in with far more grace than Remus did, and he glared at the other man’s back. Of course he made it look easy.
They stayed as a group for the first half of the lake, but soon they drifted off to the side as Sirius steered them towards the edge.
“Um, Sirius?” Remus said warily, “where are we going?”
“To look at the wildlife,” Sirius called back and Remus sighed. There was a pond by their old flat in London, and Sirius would drag Remus down to watch the ducks for hours at a time. He would get so excited and Remus used to find it endearing, but now it’s mildly irritating.
He got even more annoyed as Sirius steered them straight into a bush, causing branches to smack him in the face. Remus muttered curses to himself, gripping onto the side as Sirius leaned over, causing the bock to rock.
“Will you stop that?” Remus said through gritted teeth.
“Shh, you’ll scare them,” Sirius replied, fixated on the family of ducks nearby. Even Remus could admit they were cute, but he couldn’t sit up straight without hitting his head.
“Great, can we go now?”
Sirius glared at him, and Remus huffed. Sirius watched the birds for a few more minutes, then out of nowhere he turned around to face him. Remus fell back slightly at their newfound closeness, slightly alarmed at the look in Sirius’ eyes.
“Can you. Shut. Up.” Sirius snapped, nostrils flaring.
Remus gaped at him, “excuse me?”
“Every few seconds you let out a huge sigh like this is all a terrible inconvenience for you. Well, I’m sorry if I annoy you, but let me tell you I’m not so keen on you right now either.”
Remus chuckled dryly, “really? I never noticed. Oh wait, the constant glares are a bit of a giveaway.”
Sirius threw his hands up, “you’re insufferable.”
“That’s rich coming from you,” Remus bit back, “Mr I have to get what I want all the time, or I’ll throw a fit. Kind of what you’re doing right now.”
Sirius stared at him for a few seconds, then Remus suddenly found himself in the lake. He emerged spluttering, looking at Sirius in disbelief.
“You pushed me in the lake,” he said slowly, “you actually pushed me in.”
Sirius looked smug, folding his arms. Remus gave him his most withering look as he pulled himself back onto the boat. Luckily it was a warm day and he’d dry quickly, but he was still pissed off. He rung the water out his t-shirt angrily, hating the way it was stuck to him.
He felt eyes on him and looked up to see Sirius staring, the smugness on his face gone.
“What?” Remus snapped. Sirius blinked, then pointedly turned his back. Remus made a face at him then continued trying to dry his sopping shirt. Eventually he just tore the thing off, it would dry faster if he just stretched it out over the back of the boat.
“If you’re quite finished, can we please go back now?”
Sirius grabbed an oar in response, pushing them away from the edge. He was paddling hard, but nothing happened. Remus dropped his head into his hands as he realised they were stuck.
“Wow, great job,” he said snarkily. Sirius drew his oar up to cover Remus in lake water, again.
“Do you mind?” Remus spat out, but Sirius ignored him. He reached forwards to tap him on the shoulder, but Sirius shook him off.
“For God’s sake, what is your problem?” Remus said in exasperation, “will you just look at me?”
“No,” Sirius finally replied, shaking his leg.
“Really? You hate me that much that you can’t even stand the sight of my face now?”
“It’s not your face that’s the problem,” Sirius muttered, and Remus squinted in confusion.
“What?”
Sirius sighed loudly, then he turned around. His eyes trailed over Remus’ shoulders and chest hungrily, and heat pooled in Remus’ stomach as he realised what Sirius meant. He grinned slowly, now it was his turn to have some fun.
“Well, if it isn’t the consequences of your actions,” he said smugly, leaning back on his hands to expose himself further. Sirius swallowed, and Remus knew he had him. Finally.
He reached up to shake the water out of his curls, letting it run down his body. Once it reached his stomach he drew a hand across it slowly to wipe it away, watching as Sirius’ eyes followed the movement.
“Stop,” Sirius croaked out.
Remus smiled, “I’m sorry, is this distracting you?”
“You know what you’re doing,” Sirius spit out, gripping the sides of the boat tightly. Remus tried not to laugh, obviously he did. It was his sweet revenge on the shirtless stunt Sirius had pulled last night. If Remus had to suffer, he wanted Sirius right there with him.
Remus shrugged, tilting his head slightly. Now that he knew Sirius still felt the same attraction Remus did, he allowed himself to stare, it was only fair after all. Although Sirius’ shirt was dry it was tight enough that it didn’t leave much to the imagination. Remus’ only complaint was that it hid the tattoos that he knew were scattered across Sirius’ chest and back.
He held Sirius’ gaze, his heart hammering in his chest. His short spurt of confidence had run out and the way Sirius was looking at him was both exhilarating and terrifying. He thought his heart might stop altogether when Sirius climbed into the back of the boat where Remus sat, dumping himself on his lap.
“Um, what are you doing?” Remus managed to choke out, his eyes wide.
“Shut up, oh my God,” Sirius mumbled, running his hands over Remus’ chest. Remus closed his eyes, his entire body felt warm. This was probably a very bad idea, but in the moment he just didn’t care.
He reached up to fist a hand in the front of Sirius’ shirt, pulling him closer. Their faces were only inches apart, and Remus could feel the way Sirius’ chest was rising and falling rapidly against his own.
“This means nothing, right?” Sirius whispered against his lips.
Remus wanted him to stop talking, so he agreed, “obviously.” He felt his lips brush Sirius’ own, and that was all it took for something to snap inside both of them.
Sirius kissed him hungrily and Remus gasped, his lips parting.
“Fuck,” Sirius groaned, tugging on Remus’ hair to pull his head back. It deepened the kiss, and Remus felt like he was drowning. He sank into Sirius, relishing in the feel of him underneath his hands. Remus never thought he’d get to do this again, and he was going to enjoy every second.
Sirius broke away to kiss down his neck, and Remus couldn’t help the soft sighs that escaped him.
“I still hate you by the way,” Sirius muttered against Remus’ skin.
Remus let out a humourless laugh, “don’t worry, the feeling is mutual.”
They didn’t talk much after that. Sirius was on his lap and rocking his hips slightly, and Remus thought he was going to lose his mind. He practically tore Sirius’ shirt off while Sirius fiddled with the buttons on Remus’ jeans desperately.
“Kiss me,” Remus begged, needing to taste him. Sirius did, curled so tightly into Remus that it felt like they were one person. He traced over the spine tattoo that Sirius got when they were nineteen, humming in satisfaction at the gasp Sirius let out. Although Remus couldn’t see it, he had the thing memorised. Every inch of Sirius was engraved into his brain.
It might have been a while, but Sirius still knew Remus better than anyone, and vice versa. They remembered what the other liked and Remus was using the knowledge to his advantage. He wanted Sirius to remember, so when he inevitably went back to London he would be reminded of how it felt to be with Remus.
He didn’t want Sirius to forget, because Remus never could.
The whole thing made Remus feel like he was a teenager again, sneaking away with Sirius for a few stolen moments together. A voice echoed across the lake, reminding Remus that they weren’t actually alone. The familiar anxiety of being discovered swirled in his gut, but not for the same reasons that it did in his youth.
Remus had come to terms with being gay now, but shagging his ex on a rowing boat with their friends nearby was perhaps not the greatest idea they’d ever had. But then Sirius’ hand was snaking down and Remus forgot all about his concerns.
“Oh God,” he let out, head falling back. Sirius grinned wickedly at him, and Remus thought he might just melt into a puddle right there. He managed to regain enough of his senses to reciprocate, then Sirius wasn’t grinning anymore. His mouth fell open and Remus was obsessed with the small pants he was letting out. He wanted to drink in those noises.
Neither of them lasted very long, Remus’ excuse was that his right hand had been his partner for quite a while, but he wasn’t sure what Sirius’ was.
Sirius remained on his lap while they both caught their breaths, then slowly moved away. Remus mourned the loss of contact immediately. He started moving around the boat to grab his clothes, not looking at Remus once.
Remus forced away the hurt growing in his chest. Sirius had said that it didn’t mean anything, but that didn’t stop it from being painful when Remus realised that he meant it.
He just didn’t understand how Sirius could be so okay with all of this, when Remus felt like he was going to fall apart at any second, and not in the good way. He felt a bit like a jigsaw puzzle, and Sirius was holding the missing piece. Remus could never be complete until he gave it back.
“Well, that shouldn’t happen again,” Sirius said while pulling his jeans back on. Remus reached for his own to hide the hurt plastered all over his face.
“You started it,” he retorted, anger and frustration building up inside of him.
Sirius scoffed, “hardly. You were the one trying to seduce me.”
Remus’ mouth fell open, “seduce you? I was simply drying myself after you pushed me in the lake when you decided to jump me.”
Sirius’ nostrils flared and he glared at Remus.
“Oh, come on, no one dries themselves like that.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “whatever. I’ll be more careful when I take my shirt off in the future.”
“Ugh you are unbelievable.”
Remus turned around to grab his now dry t-shirt, and heard Sirius fall quiet.
“What?”
Sirius gestured towards Remus with one hand, “you got a tattoo.”
“Oh, yeah,” Remus shrugged like it was no big deal.
Sirius furrowed his brow, “why? I begged you to get one with me for years but you always said no.”
Remus wasn’t sure how to answer that. What was he supposed to say, that he hated the scars across his back more than anything, but Sirius used to trace them with his finger and kiss them while telling Remus that he was beautiful, and it made him hate them ever so slightly less? That he couldn’t stand the sight of himself in the mirror once Sirius left and that he got the tattoo to cover them up? Remus had a feeling that wouldn’t go down so well.
“Decided it was time,” he finally said, and Sirius actually looked hurt. The audacity.
“Sorry if you hate it,” Remus snapped, “but you’ll never see it again anyway so it doesn’t really matter.”
Sirius scowled, “fine by me.”
They turned their backs on each other as they finished getting dressed, and Remus grabbed his oar.
“If we push on the bank at the same time we might be able to get free,” Sirius muttered, and Remus moved to the side of the boat in silence. However, despite their best efforts the boat still didn’t budge.
“For fucks sake,” Sirius scowled, arms shaking from the exertion. Remus thought that they should both stop smoking and actually exercise, then maybe they wouldn’t have this problem. If James was here then they’d have been free ages ago and the whole shagging on a boat thing would never have happened. He wasn’t sure if that would be a good thing or not. He couldn’t bring himself to regret it.
“Well, I guess you’ll have to get in and push us out,” Sirius declared.
Remus’ head snapped up, “you’re joking, right?”
“Deadly serious.” Sirius’ face didn’t even twitch, he must be really pissed off if he wasn’t even making the awful puns about his name.
“I’ve already been in once, it’s your turn.”
“No way am I getting in there.”
Remus sighed dramatically, before beginning to get undressed again. Sirius’ eyes widened.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not getting my clothes wet again,” Remus replied, shimmying out of his jeans, “can I trust that you won’t attack me this time?”
Sirius folded his arms, “not a chance in hell.”
Remus slid himself into the water, grimacing at the feel of the mud beneath his feet. Honestly, the things he did for this man. No matter how annoyed he got at Sirius he would still walk to the ends of the Earth for him if he asked.
Remus steadied himself, then pushed the boat as hard as he could. He used his shoulder to guide it out of the mud and the boat slowly floated back onto the lake. Remus waded through the water towards it, fighting the flush spreading across his body from how ridiculous he must look right now.
As soon as he got close Sirius paddled away and Remus scoffed.
“Very funny.”
The water was up to his shoulders now. He eyed the distance between himself and the boat and sighed as he realised he’d have to swim.
“You are the pettiest person I have ever met,” he called out to Sirius as he began swimming over, gritting his teeth. Sirius watched with a smug expression on his face as Remus hauled himself back on board.
“You have no idea how tempting it was to leave you here in your underwear.”
Remus gave him his most withering glare, “I truly hate you.”
Sirius’ lip curled, “good.”
Once Remus got dressed, again, they paddled back to shore in silence, the splashes of water being the only sounds. The others were all standing on the bank as they approached.
“Where have you two been?” James asked with an eyebrow raised.
“Someone wanted to see the ducks, then we got stuck,” Remus said as he climbed out, stretching his back. It was aching uncomfortably after being hunched over in a boat for an hour.
James laughed, “you’re a twenty eight year old child,” he told Sirius, throwing an arm around his shoulders.
Sirius grinned, “so I’ve been told.”
They all flopped down on the ground beside the lake and James immediately tore his shirt off, claiming he was sunbathing. How much sunbathing anyone could do in Scotland Remus did not know.
He fidgeted while trying to get comfortable, but no matter how he sat his back would cramp up in seconds.
“Oh for God’s sake,” Lily said, “lie down on your front.”
Remus snapped his head up, “huh?”
Lily shoved him hard and he flopped onto the ground, grunting as he landed rather ungracefully. It caused a few sniggers around the group and Remus politely told them all to go fuck themselves.
“Bloody hell woman,” he said through gritted teeth as Lily proceeded to vigorously kneed the muscles in his back, “are you trying to kill me?”
“You’ll thank me later,” Lily declared, not easing up on the pressure. Remus dropped his head onto his hands. He hadn’t had a massage in far too long and was now suffering the consequences.
“Have you been keeping up with your exercises?” Lily asked.
“Er,” Remus stuttered, not wanting to admit that he had not.
“Remus,” Lily scolded, smacking him lightly. Remus mumbled apologies, wincing as she hit a particularly sore area. He was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and scoliosis as a kid, meaning that his back was pretty much fucked.
He’d had surgery to fix the scoliosis a few years ago, but it still acted up if he didn’t regularly do the exercises his doctor had given him. Remus hadn’t not been doing them on purpose, it just got tedious after a while and at this point he’d gotten used to the pain.
Sirius used to massage his back and any other joints that were hurting regularly. He was good at it too, and Remus missed it terribly. He glanced up to see Sirius watching with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Hunching over a desk all day can’t be good for you,” he mumbled, and Remus tried to shrug from the awkward position he was lying in.
“Books don’t write themselves,” he replied, and Sirius pursed his lips. He looked between Lily and Remus a few times before getting up and moving towards them.
“Here, let me,” he said before taking Lily’s place. Remus’ heart was in his throat the second Sirius laid his hands on him. It was torturous in the best kind of way, because at least it was Sirius’ hands causing him pain. It was also strangely intimate, Sirius taking care of him. Remus didn’t understand him at all, how he could go from claiming he didn’t care anymore to this.
He wasn’t complaining though as Sirius’ fingers expertly worked down and around his spine, easing the tension that had been bothering him for weeks. He let out a low groan as Sirius reached one particular spot, and Sirius stilled for a few seconds. He cleared his throat before continuing, but Remus was too wrapped up in the pain and pleasure to notice.
When it was finally over Remus sat up carefully, rolling his shoulders.
“Better?” Sirius asked, sitting back on his hands.
Remus nodded, “much. Thank you.”
Sirius nodded, going back to his previous spot beside James. Remus twisted as far as his poor broken spine would allow him, which was further than before the massage. He smiled to himself, pleased with the results.
He chatted happily to Mary and Peter for a while as James, Marlene and Sirius chased each other across the lawn and Dorcas braided Lily’s hair. Remus was finally enjoying himself for the first time since he arrived.
They headed back inside for lunch, then James announced that he wanted a game of football. This was met with a chorus of bickering as they tried to decide on teams. Remus stayed out of it, his condition meant that he couldn’t play anyway.
“I’ll stay here with Remus,” Lily said to James, her voice was quiet but Remus still overheard.
“That’s okay, I’ll be fine with my book and some peace and quiet,” Remus said, smiling to show that he was teasing.
“I don’t like football anyway,” Lily said, ignoring the gasp of outrage from James, “and if I stay then they will have even numbers.”
Remus considered this, “yeah alright, I suppose I can tolerate your company.”
Lily grinned at him, her eyes sparkling.
“I can’t believe I married someone who doesn’t like football,” James put a hand over his heart dramatically.
Lily shot him a look, “this is not new information babe.”
“Well sorry if I thought you might be coming around…”
“Being forced to go to the pub and watch games with you is not coming around,” Lily pointed out, “it’s just me finding an excuse for someone else to deal with our screaming toddler for a couple of hours.”
James pointed at her playfully, “hey, leave Harry out of this.”
Lily grabbed his hand and kissed it, causing James to pull her into a hug. Remus grinned at the interaction, even after they got together they still bickered the same way they did before. It was refreshing, they probably had the healthiest relationship Remus had ever seen.
“We’ll see you guys later then,” James said after kissing Lily goodbye. Remus watched as they all disappeared off down the corridor, then Lily was linking her arm in his.
“Shall we go to our old spot?” She suggested, and Remus lit up at the idea.
Their ‘spot’ was in a corridor that no one ever used, where the two of them used to go to back in school to hide away from the chaos that was the rest of their friends. Remus loved them, but he had no idea where they got their energy from.
They tucked themselves away into an alcove, hidden from view. Remus leaned back against the wall, his long legs stretched out in front of him and tangled with Lily’s.
“How are you doing love?” Lily squeezed his hand gently.
Remus sighed, “not great.”
Lily tilted her head, and Remus knew she wanted more. He took a deep breath before continuing.
“It’s so hard seeing him again,” he confessed, “it’s like my body doesn’t remember that we broke up, and I find myself reaching for him then have to stop myself. Every time it’s like a reminder that he isn’t mine anymore, to have or to touch.”
Lily murmured sympathetically, “I’m sorry Remus. But you never allowed yourself to heal, which is why it’s all coming back to haunt you now.”
Remus narrowed his eyes, “what do you mean?”
“I mean, that you guys broke up, you moved to Scotland and undoubtedly shut yourself away from the world while pretending that it never happened. If you didn’t see Sirius then it didn’t have to be real right? You were just separated for a while. But now being forced to spend time with him makes it real, and although it’s been years it still feels like you ended only yesterday.”
Remus gaped at her, “what, how… did you take a trip inside my brain?”
Lily waved a hand, “I know you Remus, just like I know Sirius and that his way of dealing with things was to act even more impulsive and over the top than usual and pretend like everything was fine.”
Remus snorted, “Sirius is always over the top.”
“True,” Lily said, smiling, “but there’s a difference between usual Sirius and hurting Sirius.”
Remus knew better than anyone. He’d had to deal with the second kind many times before, smoothing over the sticky situations Sirius got himself into by acting out. He fiddled with the buttons on his shirt, avoiding eye contact with Lily.
“How has he been?” He asked quietly, looking down at the floor.
“You could ask him yourself you know,” Lily pointed out, making Remus roll his eyes.
“No, I can’t.”
“Alright fine,” Lily said, making Remus look up at her, “he puts on a brave face but I think he’s lost.”
Remus furrowed his brow, “lost how?”
“Like he’s floating through life with no real purpose,” Lily murmured, “he says he’s happy making his art and seeing us when he can, but there’s something missing. That something is you.”
“I don’t think so,” Remus snorted, “Sirius made it very clear that he didn’t want me in his life anymore.”
“Everyone says hurtful things in a breakup,” Lily said gently, “it doesn’t mean they’re true.”
“Even if that is the case, it’s been five years. Neither of us knows how to act around each other anymore.”
“Then learn,” Lily said firmly, “you were friends once, you can be again. Besides, we’ve all missed you, it sucks that we never see you anymore just because you’re trying to avoid him.”
“I wasn’t trying to avoid him,” Remus muttered, “we just live in opposite ends of the country.”
Lily gave him a look, “whatever you say.”
“Okay this conversation is over,” Remus said, flicking her leg where it was resting on top of his own.
Lily laughed and it echoed down the hallway, “for now. Don’t think that you’re off the hook though.”
“No, life would never be so kind,” Remus sighed, making Lily giggle again.
“Do you want to go and watch the others play?”
Remus snorted, “and be forced to witness Sirius running around like an overly elegant gazelle? No thanks.”
Lily grinned and they spent the next couple of hours chatting about slightly lighter topics, much to Remus’ relief. It was nice, he had missed having a friend.
They headed back to Gryffindor tower to freshen up a bit before dinner, and Remus was met with the sound of music when he walked into their room. Sirius was sitting cross legged on his bed with his guitar in his lap, James and Peter sprawled out on the floor in front of him.
“Ah, Moony!” James cried out, “there you are. Sirius is giving us a concert.”
Remus raised an eyebrow, “is it any good?”
Sirius looked up to scowl at him, “obviously.”
Remus fought not to roll his eyes, but if he was as good a guitar player as Sirius he’d probably be cocky too. Remus loved listening to music, but he had zero talent for making it, despite Sirius’ best efforts to teach him. They’d spent many evenings sat beside the fire while Sirius rattled on about chords and notes but it went in one ear and out the other.
Remus was perfectly content with just listening to Sirius play, another thing he had missed.
He settled on the floor beside Peter, closing his eyes as Sirius continued. He didn’t recognise the song, but it was beautiful. Sirius began to sing, and Remus felt like he was transported into another world. The lyrics were meaningful, full of words about love and heartbreak, and Remus was in awe.
He reopened his eyes as it ended, seeing James wipe a tear from his eye.
“Damn Pads,” he said, “that was incredible.”
Remus couldn’t help but agree, “who’s it by?” He asked.
“Me,” Sirius replied, making Remus blink in surprise.
“You write songs now?”
Sirius shrugged, “a few.”
“Well as great as it was, can we have something a bit less depressing now,” Peter suggested, making them all laugh. Sirius grinned and began playing a rendition of Moonage Daydream. Remus wondered if he remembered how Sirius used to tell him how it reminded him of Remus.
Sirius was unusually quiet for the rest of the evening, then disappeared after dinner.
“He’s probably with Hannah,” he overheard James say to Peter, “they were making eyes at each other all afternoon.”
Remus excused himself and headed for somewhere he could be alone, ignoring the sharp pain in his chest. He’d figured that Sirius had dated or was currently seeing other people, five years is a long time after all. He just wished that he didn’t have to witness it.
He climbed the steps to the astronomy tower, having to stop halfway to catch his breath. His knees creaked painfully, but it would be worth it when he got to the top.
He wasn’t wrong, as he took in a deep breath when he saw the view. It was just as beautiful as he remembered it, looking out over Hogwarts extensive grounds, including where the moon was reflecting over the lake and the forest behind it.
Remus walked over to the far side of the tower to sit down, slightly shocked when he saw Sirius was already there.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know anyone was up here,” he muttered, beginning to turn around and leave.
“It’s fine, you can stay,” Sirius said, making Remus awkwardly sit beside him. Sirius was smoking so Remus pulled his own pack out of his pocket and lit up. They sat in silence while they smoked, Remus bouncing his leg. He could see Sirius out of the corner of his eye and it was distracting him.
“What are you doing up here?” He finally asked, breaking the silence.
Sirius shrugged, “needed some air.”
“James seemed to think you were with Hannah.”
Sirius looked confused, “Hannah?”
“You know,” Remus prompted, “the girl you were making eyes at all afternoon?”
Sirius grinned slowly, and Remus stared at him as he began laughing loudly. He wasn’t sure what was so funny but watched in amusement as Sirius clutched his stomach.
“I wasn’t eyeing up anyone if you must know,” he said once he’d calmed down, “but Hannah? Really? I’m gay Remus, surely you of all people know that.”
Remus scuffed the ground with his shoe, “you’ve been with girls before,” he muttered, feeling a bit stupid.
“Back when I was still hiding who I really was,” Sirius said slowly, “but I’m done with that now. It was a long time ago.”
“Okay fine, sorry for assuming,” Remus snapped, glad that he didn’t have to repeat history of crying into his pillow while Sirius was off with another girl before they defined what they were to each other. Although he didn’t really have the right to be jealous anymore.
“Are you though?” He asked, “dating anyone?”
Sirius shook his head, “not right now, you?”
“No,” Remus replied, not sure he wanted to reveal that he’d dated one guy since he and Sirius ended things, and that was only for five months. Remus was chronically single. It wasn’t his fault that no one else caught his attention, because they weren’t Sirius.
Sirius chuckled, “sucks sometimes doesn’t it? When all of our friends are in happy long term relationships and I can’t seem to get past three months?”
Remus frowned at him, surprised that Sirius was willing to open up to him after everything, “yeah, I guess.”
They made eye contact, but then Sirius seemed to remember who he was talking to and looked away, lighting another cigarette.
“Not that it matters,” he said cheerfully, “I’ll find someone, it’s not like I’m short of options.”
Remus sighed, “don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Rub it in my face that you could have anyone you wanted, it’s cruel.”
Sirius snorted, “really? We used to have this fight back when we were dating, and you want to have it again now?”
“No, I really don’t,” Remus countered, feeling defeated, “I don’t want to fight with you. I’m tired, I’m tired of the petty squabbling and snapping at each other every chance we get. This weekend was supposed to be a chance to relax and enjoy ourselves, but this isn’t fun Sirius. Don’t you get it? I’m not having fun.”
Sirius was quiet for a few moments, puffing on his cigarette. He stubbed it out before turning to Remus.
“I’m not having fun either,” he said quietly.
Remus let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, “okay. Okay, can we stop this then?”
Sirius let out a humourless laugh, “and do what? Be friends?”
“We were friends once, I’m sure we can do it again,” Remus mumbled.
Sirius looked him dead in the eyes, “I don’t know how to be your friend Moony.”
Sirius using the old nickname made Remus feel warm inside. He stared at him, mesmerised by how the moonlight was reflecting off his dark hair and the way his eyes shone with what could have been unfallen tears, but Remus wasn’t sure in the darkness.
“We’ll figure it out,” he replied, relieved when Sirius nodded.
“Alright, friends,” Sirius confirmed, making Remus smile. He could do this, he could be his friend. It was certainly better than Sirius hating him.
“I guess that means no more hooking up in rowing boats,” Sirius chuckled, “friends don’t really do that.”
Remus laughed softly, “no, probably not the best idea.”
“For what it’s worth,” Sirius continued, “I’m sorry, for everything.”
Remus inhaled sharply, feeling like someone was stabbing him in the chest repeatedly.
“Me too.”