The Hogwarts Express
September 1st, 1976
Lily went to the station by herself that year. Her mother drove her to King’s Cross and normally she would’ve given Severus a lift too, but Lily wouldn’t let her. She swore she would never speak to him again. Not after what happened.
She felt so naive, how could she have let this happen? She was supposed to be the smart one, but she had just thought... well, she supposed she had thought that Severus was different from his friends. Everyone had told her, over and over again, that Snape was evil, that they didn’t understand why she was friends with him. He was friends with death eaters, for God’s sake. How could she be so stupid? She knew he bullied other muggleborns, and what, it was okay because she was the exception? No, she shouldn’t have let it go that far. She shouldn’t have waited until he used that word on her, should’ve stopped being friends with him the first time he said it to anyone.
It felt like everyone else had seen it but her. She was so embarrassed, and she swore she would never, ever let that happen again.
But Severus had been there for her, when no one else had. Before she had met Mary and Marlene, when her sister would call her a freak for her magic. And even now, she felt like she didn’t have any true friends. She had missed Severus this summer, in spite of herself. Mary and Marlene were her friends, but sometimes she felt like they didn’t understand her. Severus had understood her like no one else had, he was her best friend. Well, not anymore. She supposed she had Remus, but she hadn’t heard from him all summer. She had called and called him, sent him letter after letter and received nothing in return. So, Lily had spent summer alone, in Cokeworth, with only her parents for company. Even Petunia hardly talked to her anymore, she was constantly with Vernon, her new boyfriend, and Lily couldn’t stand him.
Petunia had always been angry that Lily went to Hogwarts, and she had to stay home and go to a muggle school. Lily knew she was just jealous, and that her sister didn’t actually hate her, but it hurt all the same. They had once been inseparable, best friends. Lily missed her desperately. She sometimes thought maybe it would’ve been better if she had never gone to Hogwarts, if she woke up tomorrow and it’d all been a dream. There was no magic, no war, no death eaters, no Severus.
No James Potter.
Potter was a whole other matter. He was an arrogant, annoying prick who had bullied her best friend for years and yet, she still couldn’t bring herself to hate him.
“So, are you excited about seeing your friends?” The voice pulled Lily out of her thoughts. It was her mother, looking at her from the front seat. Lily put on a smile and nodded quickly, trying to avoid the subject. She’d rather sit in silence. There was a long pause. Lily thought maybe she’d gotten out of talking about it, but then:
“Lily, I know you haven’t been talking to Severus lately” It wasn’t a question, so Lily didn’t answer, just kept looking out the window. She heard her mother sigh loudly from the front seat.
“What about that girl, Mary? She kept calling, why didn’t you see her in summer at all?”
“She was away” Lily replied, finally meeting her mother’s eyes. It was a lie, Mary had only been on holiday for about two weeks with Marlene, to Greece. She had asked Lily to meet her plenty of times, but Lily had said no. She was busy. It was her sister's birthday. It was her aunt's wedding. The truth was, she didn’t want to hear about Mary’s perfect fortnight in Greece, about her new boyfriend she met at the music shop in town. It had been all anyone at Hogwarts would talk about, these past few years. Who was dating who, who had a crush on who. Lily was sick of it all, and she couldn't stand hearing about Mary's love life when hers was non existent. And since the only person she told everything to had turned around and used it against her, she didn't really feel like talking.
So, in the summer after her fifth year, Lily had read all the summer reading twice. She had done every piece of homework to perfection. She had avoided Snape, who she saw occasionally, in town. She refused to even speak to him, to hear him out. He had chosen his side. As a muggleborn, Lily didn’t even get a choice, not really.
An hour later, her car was parked at King’s Cross and Lily’s gut was twisted by a mix of anxiety, dread and excitement, which just made her feel sick. Her mother was turned around in her seat, looking at her, brow furrowed from worry.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
“I’ll be fine, mum. The platform's really easy to get to.” Lily said.
“I didn’t mean getting to the train, Lil”
“I’ll be okay. I promise.”
This seemed to be enough for her mother, and they both got out of the car, working together to lift her heavy trunk out of the boot and putting it on one of the trolleys. Lily’s mum hugged her, hard, and kissed her cheek before pulling away, hands still on her arms like she was scared she would run away.
“I’ll miss you”
“I’ll miss you too, mum” Lily replied, and realised she meant it. “Please don’t cry.” She added, seeing the tears in her mother’s eyes. She just laughed and gave her another quick hug.
“You should probably go now; you don’t want to be late. I’ll see you at Christmas, okay?”
Suddenly, Christmas seemed like an awfully long way away, and Lily felt rising panic in her throat. She didn’t want to go. Her mother seemed to sense this and smiled at her.
“I love you” She reminded her. Lily swallowed.
“Love you too.”
Lily took her trunk and dragged it to platform 9 ¾. She ran at the barrier like always, adrenaline rushing through her, part of her expecting a solid barricade to stop her, but it never came. She emerged on the platform, magical air filling her lungs and reminding her what she loved so much about this school, and this world. She scanned the platform for her friends, but only saw people she vaguely recognised.
“Evans!” The shout came from behind, and instantly ruined her slightly good mood. She tried to ignore it, walking towards the train ready to board, when it came again, this time louder.
“EVANS!” She whipped her head around to glare at the culprit. Potter. Of course it was. He beamed at her, and she just shook her head. Had he forgotten what had happened last summer? Probably, she thought, he was that thick. Next to him was Sirius, although he looked a bit put out. Lily knew he had moved to the Potters last Christmas, when he had to leave home. Sirius had been weird, distant, for the last couple of weeks of fifth year. Mary had broken up with him, claiming he was too “emotionally unavailable” after he had completely forgotten her birthday. Lily had been relieved at the time- she was sick of hearing complaint after complaint about Sirius and everything he did. It wasn’t that she was jealous, she wanted Mary to be happy, she just knew that Sirius wasn’t good for her, and that she was only really dating him because everyone wanted to date Sirius Black.
Lily suspected that Sirius’s reckless behavior had been something to do with his family, because although Lily didn’t know the details, she knew enough about wizarding families to feel sorry for him. She was also pretty sure that something had happened between Sirius, James and Remus last summer, because Remus has stopped talking to them, and hadn’t answered her calls all summer. She was worried about him. She bit her lower lip, wondering if he was already on the train or not. She would have to find him anyway, for their prefect duties.
Lily boarded the train fast, trying to get away from Potter. He seemed to have got the message though, after Sirius had nudged him and said something quietly. He was another matter. Last year, he had asked her out persistently, for a laugh or a dare or to annoy Severus. She desperately hoped he would stop, now she wasn't talking to Snape anymore. She walked up and down the carriages, looking for Remus. He probably wasn’t even on yet, he was always late, but then Lily found what she was looking for. He was in a compartment by himself, smoking with the window open. She shook her head. Lily had always hated the habit, she knew how bad it was for you, and the smell was disgusting. Remus looked tired, and she could see new scars on his arms and neck.
She knocked on the door to the compartment, and he looked around, face breaking into a smile when he saw her. Lily let out a breath of relief. At least someone still likes me.
She opened the compartment, and he stood up, putting out his cigarette and hugging her for a few seconds. She hugged him back, hard, and then remembered she was angry and pushed him away.
“What?” He asked, confused.
“Why didn’t you answer my calls? Or letters?”
Remus exhaled, looking guilty.
“I’m so sorry, Lils, I...” He trailed off. She looked at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation, “I had a lot going on” he said lamely. She knew there was more there, but didn’t want to push it, instead sitting down next to him.
“I missed you, Re.”
He grinned at her. “I missed you too, Lils.” They talked for a while about their summer homework and their OWL results, but anytime the conversation came near to James and Sirius, Remus immediately changed the subject. Lily couldn’t help but be curious, but also concerned. Surely they wouldn’t just stop being friends? They were roommates after all. Soon, Mary and Marlene appeared at their compartment and they both hugged Lily excitedly and began telling her the story of their summer together in Greece. Lily felt herself finally relax, surrounded by people she cared about. Everything was as it should be. She was on her way back to Hogwarts.
Mary was just getting into how she met her new, muggle boyfriend, Dexter, when someone else came to their compartment door and slid it open. Lily sighed when she saw it was Potter. She hadn’t seen him properly on the platform, only from far away, but now she did. He had obviously grown an inch or two taller since the summer, and his hair was longer, his curls more prominent. He wore his usual insufferable smile, along with a red t shirt and some baggy jeans.
“Evans?”
“I don’t want to talk to you, Potter”
James blinked, looking confused. “But... we have prefect duty”
Lily shook her head, confused. “You’re not a prefect”
“Am now” He responded, flashing the shiny new badge, and winked at her. She looked away quickly so he wouldn’t see the heat that came to her cheeks.
“Fine then. Let’s go, Remus.” Remus reluctantly stood up, though he looked wary of James. The three of them walked down the train to the prefect compartment in awkward silence, until Lily couldn’t stand it anymore.
“What is going on with you two?”
“It’s nothing, Evans.” James said, more firmly than she was expecting. She turned to Remus, looking for an answer, but he just stared at his feet.
“Fine.”
....
The prefect compartment was bigger than the rest, and the seats were more comfortable than the rest. It even had a big table, loaded with drinks and snacks for the prefects, and Lily wondered how nothing ever fell off it. Magic, she supposed. Sometimes she forgot it was real, that people really waved sticks to make miracles happen. Her ten-year-old self would have laughed in her face.
The prefect meeting was almost exactly as it had been the year before, although a few more prefects had been appointed, including James and Sirius’ younger brother, Regulus. James had also been appointed quidditch captain, which was no surprise to anyone. Though, Lily did wonder how he got his prefect’s badge a year late. No one else from their year had got one. Lily desperately avoided Snape, who was looking at her from across the compartment for the whole meeting.
Afterwards, they got changed into their school robes, and went back to their compartment, to find two new people in it. When Remus saw Sirius and Peter, he froze. Sirius immediately stood up, looking like he wanted to talk to Remus, but Remus shot one pleading look at James, who put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, and bent down to whisper something in his ear. Sirius bit his lip, and sat back down, though he was still staring at Remus like he thought he might explode.
Everyone else, including Lily, had watched that whole exchange, and Mary was looking back and forth between Sirius and Remus, her brow furrowed. The conversations died out to silence. They sat down, and eventually the chatter picked up again, though neither Sirius nor Remus said anything, and there was this odd tension in the room.
Lily could tell that Remus hated it by the way he was looking at the floor, so she took his hand and led him out of the compartment, claiming they were going to find the trolley witch. They went down the corridor to the nearest empty compartment, and Lily practically forced him to sit down next to her.
“Remus, you have to tell me what’s going on.”
He avoided her gaze. “Nothing’s going on!”
“I’m not stupid,” she said, shaking her head. Remus finally met her eyes.
“I just...” he covered his face with his hands, “look, before summer, Sirius... he...”
“What?” she asked, genuinely concerned for Remus, and trying to get him to look at her.
But Remus was still looking down, at his hands as he twisted them in his lap. “He told Snape about my – erm – furry little problem. Well, he did more than tell him, he showed him how to get to the shrieking shack, and... I almost killed him, Lils” he blurted out, finally meeting her gaze at the end.
Lily’s mouth fell open in shock. She shook her head, looking around. Then her shock settled, and she felt it transform to anger. How could he do that? She was going to kill Sirius Black.
But when she turned back to her friend, she realised he didn’t look angry, just sad.
“Oh, Remus” she exhaled, and hugged him. She felt him start to shake from sobs, and she just hugged him harder, rubbing his back. She felt out of her depth because she had never seen Remus cry before, he was usually so private, so drawn back, though she supposed it was probably a good thing that he was opening up to her. She’d be there for him, always, she promised herself.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. It’ll be okay” Lily said, over and over, but the truth was she felt like crying herself. How could everything be so bad already, when they weren’t even back at school yet? She pushed the thought away - this was about Remus, not her.
Eventually he stopped crying, and pulled away, quickly wiping his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, “embarrassing.”
“It’s not embarrassing, Remus. I’m always here, you can talk to me about anything.”
Remus smiled, weakly. “Thanks, Lils. I... I just feel like I don’t have anyone else, you know? Like with James... he was so angry at the start, but it’s hard to stay angry at someone you live with, especially when you have to spend a whole summer with them. I don’t blame him... I just...” He looked at Lily, his eyes burning. “I guess I’m not ready to forgive him yet. And he keeps apologising to me, and I feel like they’re all walking on eggshells around me, just waiting...”
“You don’t have to be ready yet, Remus. That sounds horrible, you have the right to be angry.”
Remus took a deep breath in, then out. “I just don’t know why he would do that, you know? I trusted him. He...”
“What?”
But Remus just shook his head. “Nothing, doesn’t matter.” He smiled at her, this time with his eyes. “How was your summer?”
“Oh. Well, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t great. I was a bit lonely, you know, Petunia just straight up ignores me these days.”
Remus considered this for a moment. “Well, we’re here now, and you’ve got me” He said, knocking her shoulder with his. Lily just laughed, and they carried on talking and laughing together until the train reached Hogsmeade station.