Up Is Down
Remus had been stewing for the past three days. Not over speaking to Sirius again, he didn’t have the capacity to fully freak out about that. He was too busy being absolutely furious with his father.
He woke up the morning after their argument wondering if it had all be some vivid dream. It was simply too good to be true—that after all the time, his friends’ so-called betrayal was nothing more than a well-crafted lie. That Sirius, James and Peter were entirely innocent, that all of Remus’ bitter assumptions of them were wrong—he didn’t know what to do with himself anymore.
And the moment everything came into light, he couldn’t do anything but feel so, so stupid. He’d been avoiding Sirius for months for no reason. If he’d just had the courage to go to him sooner instead of running, instead of taking his father’s word at face value and assuming so much about his friends’ integrity, he would’ve saved himself years of torment.
And the most terribly wonderful part about that night? Sirius didn’t once asked about his scars or stare at them any longer than the rest of his face. Remus had developed a keen sense for the intentions of people’s stares—Sirius hadn’t lingered on his crooked nose or the missing chunk of eyebrow any more than his eyes or lips or freckles. There was no fear, disgust, or pity in his gaze.
Remus knew part of the reason he hadn’t asked was because he already knew. Sirius knew exactly what had happened to him. And the way his looked at him, like a whole person instead of a collection of scars, he knew he didn’t care. It didn’t matter. Just as it didn’t matter to Regulus or Marlene, Dorcas and Lily or anyone at Mick’s.
Suddenly, the person Remus selfishly wished for in his most vulnerable moments was back in his life, cleared of all charges he’d condemned him with. And Remus had no idea what to do about it.
It had been three days, and he hadn’t texted Sirius. Instead, he’d just stared at the contact on the screen, partially convinced it would suddenly delete itself.
Regulus kept frowning at him. Remus had been walking around in a daze, distractedly making breakfast and staring at his favorite mug too long. He was getting kicked in the shin more often because he kept drifting off, thinking about silver eyes and black hair and the splotch of blue paint that had been on Sirius’ forehead that night.
“What’s with you?” Regulus finally demanded when Remus stumbled late into the kitchen for the third day in a row. “Marlene’s brothers haven’t gotten you to take up drinking, have they?”
“God, no.” He said, filling up his mug with coffee. Sirius’ eyes flashed in his mind. He spaced out again.
“Oi!” Regulus snapped, grabbing the coffee pot and yanking it up. He’d poured it to the very brim, and only surface tension was keeping the boiling liquid from spilling over. “Lupin, what the fuck?”
“Sorry, sorry…” He mumbled, stooping over to drink it down. “I just…stuff’s happened.”
“Clearly.”
“I just need to sort it out. Stuff with my dad.”
Regulus wrinkled his nose as Remus slurped the coffee down to an acceptable level.
“You’re fucking weird.”
“Takes one to know one.”
That earned him another kick to the shin. Remus smiled. Regulus turned the radio up to an aggressive volume and started pointedly slurping his coffee to annoy him.
He didn’t know why—he was only proving his point. He just swayed to the music and cooked breakfast, blinking innocently when he made Regulus’ plate into a smiley face—egg eyes, a bacon smile, and a hash nose.
Regulus glared at him, taking his silverware and violently cutting the smiley face to smithereens. He cranked the music up higher.
“How’s Barty and Evan?” Remus asked purposefully quiet so he could barely be heard over the radio. Regulus ignored him the first time. So he kicked him.
Another glare. Remus repeated himself in the same fashion. Regulus finally turned the music down.
“I said, how’s Barty and Evan?”
“Pissed that Pandora was over when they weren’t.” He replied dryly. “I haven’t heard the end of it since. All thanks to you.”
“I wasn’t the one who invited her over.”
“If you weren’t being a hermit I wouldn’t have had to.”
“Awh, you do care.”
“Watch it, Lupin. Your hand is very stabbable.”
Remus stuck out his lip. “You wouldn’t stab a victim of stabbing.”
“I would if the victim doesn’t shut up.”
“It’s rude.”
“I’m always rude.”
“I’ve almost been killed, you can’t be mean to me.”
“So have I, so I can actually.”
That made Remus blink. He wasn’t entirely sure how this conversation resulted in that. He and Regulus very pointedly did not talk about their pasts. He supposed he brought it up first, but then again, it was kind of obvious that someone had taken a knife to him, right?
Regulus probably would stab him if he tried to ask about his near death experience. It was too early in the morning to deal with a knife in his hand, so Remus didn’t press it. Regulus had ducked his head down and was clearly trying to play off his slip.
“Don’t go giving those two any ideas of showing up at Mick’s.” He said, pretending like the last few words hadn’t been spoken. “I enjoy my peace.”
“Believe me, I have no intention of entering that cesspool you call a bar.” Regulus sniffed. The tension in his shoulders had loosened. “Besides, I haven’t see them in weeks.”
Remus frowned. “You’ve been going out almost every day.”
Regulus’ shoulders tensed again. No one would have noticed if they didn’t know him like Remus did. What was he hiding?
“I’ve been practicing.” He said shortly. “For the show.”
“Isn’t that what rehearsals are for?”
“I like to be prepared.”
Regulus was clearly hiding something, but his reaction to his probing was even more suspicious. If there was something he didn’t want him to know, he would have acted like Remus had just vanished from existence or threaten bodily harm.
It was almost like he wanted Remus to ask. That was when he clocked the faint blush coloring Regulus’ pale cheeks.
“Dear god,” he gaped. “you’ve met someone.”
Regulus’ entire face immediately went beet red and he angrily stabbed his eggs, refusing to look at him.
“Oh dear god!”
“Fuck off, Lupin.”
“You are seeing someone! Are the pigs flying?”
Regulus tried to kick him again, but Remus tucked his legs out of the way.
“How long have you been dying to tell me?” He demanded.
“I have not.”
“Oh please. If you didn’t want me to know, you would’ve dumped your coffee on me.”
“What an excellent idea.”
“C’mon, you can complain about him to me! I know you love complaining. And it’s not like I know him.” He needled. Regulus glared at his fork, possibly weighing the options to either stab Remus or himself with it. Finally, he blurted—
“He talks a lot.”
Remus hummed sagely. “How annoying.”
“And he’s always so…fucking…happy.” Regulus seethed, like joy was a crime.
“Like a miserable sun in your shiny storm.”
“A glare in the eyes is what he is.”
“But not bad on ‘em, eh? Wouldn’t be seeing him if he wasn’t.”
Regulus landed his head on the table with a dull thunk.
“Yeah.” He agreed miserably. Remus laughed.
“How’d you meet?”
“The stizprobe. One of the actors.”
“How disgustingly romantic.”
“He’s the lead. He slipped on one of my music sheets and hit his head on my piano. I was mortified. He acted like the bruise was a goddamn gift from god.” Regulus lifted his head and gave Remus the most pitiful expression he’d ever seen on him.
“He won’t leave me alone. He keeps being…nice.” He hissed the word.
“Tell him to fuck off then.” Remus shrugged.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s pretty.”
He laughed. “You’re a weak man, Regulus Malfoy.”
Regulus groaned and hit his head again.
“How many dates have you been on?”
“Don’t call them dates.” He whined.
“Well, that’s what they are, aren’t they?”
“We haven’t been calling them that. Calling them dates means we’re dating. I don’t date. I let him take me to nice restaurants and talk my ear off. I’d call that an outing.”
“Uh huh. Kissed him yet?”
The shameful silence was answer enough. Remus was trying very hard to contain the laughter that had been continuous since this revelation.
“Give ‘im tongue, did you?”
Regulus threw his head back and whined at the ceiling. “He was so good at it.”
“My dear Reg, I do believe you have a crush.”
“I do not.”
“Don’t tell me this man’s taken your virginity too.”
“I tried,” he complained. “but he said ‘we weren’t ready’.”
“Well, you haven’t even come ‘round to calling it a date, to be fair.”
“God, he’s so fit.” Regulus stared off into space, clearly fucking this guy in his head. “I want to rip him to pieces.”
“Charming.”
“He’d let me too. I can tell.”
“I am eating here.”
Regulus snapped out of his daydream to glare at him. “You wanted to know.”
“Well, consider this my boundary of knowing.” Remus said. “I don’t need to know whatever kinky shit you two get off on.”
“I don’t know either,” Regulus sighed wistfully. “I wish I did.”
“You’re a goner, my friend.”
“Fuck off.”
——
Remus was greeted heartily by the crowd at Mick’s when he arrived. Vince and Tony clapped him on the back and let him take over the bar. He was still shocked by it sometimes—how these people seemed genuinely happy to see him.
The more time he spent at Mick’s, the more he realized just how terrible Sanguini’s had been, especially since he wasn’t Slughorn’s favorite. He would’ve convinced Lily to work with him if he didn’t know she absolutely loved getting away with everything because of the favoritism.
Speaking of Lily, she and Mary wandered into the bar a few hours into Remus’ shift. He’d been teaching one of the regulars how to catch a sliding pint of beer without spilling it (there had been quite a bit of spillage anyway). Mick’s had a funny way of taking anything sour in his life and flipping it on its head with funny customers, good bosses, and a homely atmosphere. He’d almost forgotten about the revelations three days ago.
“Hey,” he greeted cheerfully, throwing his bar towel over his shoulder. Slughorn would’ve kill him if he’d done that at Sanguini’s. “You don’t usually come here, do you?”
“Well, Marlene brought it up during your intervention, so we thought we’d visit.” Lily smiled, bumping Mary’s shoulder. “I like how un-vampiric it is.”
“Yeah, that was a big reason for taking the job.” Remus grinned. “You want anything?”
“Couple of ciders, please.” Mary said as they slid into some stools. “We’re seeing a movie later. Don’t want to get hammered.”
Remus popped a few bottle caps on the edge of the bar and slid them over.
“Movie date, huh?”
“Yeah,” Lily blushed and Mary laced their fingers together. “We’re dating. Officially.”
He couldn’t help but beam at them. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks. Mary’s got an assignment in a few days and…well, I got tired of waiting.” Lily laughed.
“Well, I’m real happy for you both.” He said, tossing some napkins to a customer when he noticed a spill. “Y’know, Lily was smitten with you from the moment you came up to the bar.”
“Were you?” Mary teased. Lily threw a handful of mixed nuts at him. Remus ducked, laughing.
“You’re the worst.”
“Can’t call me a liar, though.”
Lily tried to hide her embarrassment by taking a swig of her cider. Mary just giggled.
“Oh baby, you had me the moment I walked in the door.” She murmured, kissing their laced fingers. Lily’s face burned even brighter than before.
“You’re worse than he is.”
“Can’t call me a liar either.”
Remus smiled as he worked, glancing over now and again to admire them. They were clearly so gone on each other—already there was a kind of devotion that he only ever witnessed in couples who had been together for decades.
Seeing them made him think of Sirius for some reason, which turned his thoughts back to his father.
After his conversation with Sirius that night, Remus managed his seething rage long enough to make it home. Regulus was out at rehearsal, so he called his dad right as he walked in the door.
“Hello, Remus.” His father answered. Even the casual tone set his teeth on edge. Seven years he didn’t care about his feelings. He didn’t care who he’d hurt.
“How fucking dare you.” He snarled.
“Excuse me?”
“What gives you the fucking right to mess with my life?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” His voice had turned eerily flat.
“Stop with the damn games, dad. I know what you did. I know you lied to me. You lied to my friends. All I want to know now is why?”
Lyall was quiet for a moment. Remus only felt his fury mounting.
“Those boys weren’t good for you.” He finally said, his voice hard. “They were careless and reckless and impulsive. They were going to disrupt your recovery. You didn’t need that.”
“So you chose for me? It wasn’t up to you! It’s none of your fucking business who I choose to let into my life!”
“It was my business!” Lyall snapped. “It became my business when I watched those doctors stitch you back together. When I watched you almost die. You were too fragile to be around those boys—“
“I’m not fragile!” Remus shouted. “I never was! I’m not made of glass!”
“You were then.”
“It wasn’t your choice to make! Do you want to know the real reason why it took so long for my to recover?” He demanded. “You weren’t allowed to be in my sessions with Pomfrey. You don’t know. It sure wasn’t because I was fucking fragile.”
Lyall was silent. Remus didn’t care.
“It took weeks for Pomfrey to convince me to try. To try for myself. Do you know why? Because I thought my friends abandoned me—you made me believe they’d fucking left me when I needed them the most. I should’ve recovered in half the time it took, but I didn’t want to try. It almost killed me. Are you happy you made that choice now? Are you happy you almost fucking killed me?”
“I was doing what was best for you—“
“Bullshit!” He bellowed. “That’s fucking bullshit! All that time, my best friends were trying to get to me. All that time, you kept me from them. All these fucking years, they thought I’d left them, and I thought they’d left me. I’ve been in agony for seven years because of it, living my life in fear of rejection, or having friends get too close. I’ve lost chances to know good people because of your fucking lies.”
“Everything I did was to keep you alive.” His father said coldly. “I kept you alive.”
“I nearly killed myself because of what you did.” Remus hissed. “And I want that burnt into your conscious and hope it sends you to fucking hell. I never want to speak to you again. I never want to see you again. You destroyed my life for seven years, and I won’t let you anymore. I’ve met Sirius again. I’m going to meet James and Peter and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
“Remus—“
He hung up on him, and it took an enormous amount of willpower not to smash his phone into the ground.
Lyall had been trying to call him at least twice a day since, but Remus eventually blocked his number. There was nothing he could say to justify what he’d done. There was nothing he could do to earn his forgiveness.
“Remus?”
He snapped out of his head, and saw Lily and Mary looking at him with concern.
“You alright?”
“Yeah, sorry. Spaced out.”
“Mary was just telling me about some of her friends.” Lily said. Her voice was light, but there was a pointed nature to it that made him side eye her warily. “She said they’ve all been in a bit of an uproar lately. Any idea why?”
It took Remus a full thirty seconds to realize what she was talking about. She’d texted him when Sirius turned up at Sanguini’s, and knew he and Remus were connected somehow. And Mary was friends with him, and undoubtedly James and Peter.
“Oh.” He mumbled, refilling someone’s wine. “Well…it’s a long story.”
“We’ve got time. Only if you want to tell it.”
He certainly wasn’t going to go into the full history, but it wouldn’t hurt to tell them a little.
“Well…we used to be friends in high school.” He said, trying to sound as casual as possible. ‘Friends’ didn’t quite cover just how close they’d been. “We, er, fell out some years ago."
“Is that why you quit Sanguini’s?” Lily asked. “Because they’d been there?”
“Yeah. Sirius didn’t recognize me with the mask, but he did the second time. I was worried he’d try to find me.” Remus started cleaning glasses to keep busy. “Anyway, Sirius and I ran into each other and we…sort of realized it was all a miscommunication. Why we fell out.”
“So, you’re friends again?” Mary asked. Remus didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t even know what to call them. They weren’t friends—seven years separate and a supposed betrayal had definitely destroyed the connection—but knowing the truth…Remus couldn’t imagine trying to go back to ignoring Sirius, James, or Peter. They were innocent, and had been true friends until the end.
He thought about Sirius, about how he’d pulled him into a hug when he hesitated. How right it felt, how some bitter twisted thing in his chest faded as he soaked in his warmth and creaky leather. How soft his hair felt against his cheek—he was still a few inches shorter than him. He’d gotten new piercings, and Remus could only imagine he’d gotten new tattoos. He smelled like paint and vanilla and something metallic.
He couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again. But he hadn’t texted him in three days.
“It’s…complicated.” He mumbled. It was the only way to describe it. He vaguely heard Lily murmur something to Mary, and heard her slip off her stool and head outside. Lily knocked gently on the bar top, getting his attention.
“I’m not sure what happened between you and them, Remus.” She said softly. “And I wouldn’t want to pressure you into doing something you don’t want, but I think you should know—“ She looked at him with wide green eyes, convinced of her next words. “I think you should give them a chance.”
He wanted to. God, he did. But not even the revelation of Lyall’s betrayal could fix seven years of trauma, of trust issues, of whatever anger he’d been carrying all that time. Of course, he knew now it was all unwarranted, but that didn’t mean the feelings went away. They still sat in him, unresolved.
“When I went to visit them with Mary, they all tried so hard not to ask me about you. Sirius asked and backtracked about five times. James kept stopping himself, and Peter kept asking questions about my friends trying to get me to talk about you. They seem like decent people, and would respect whatever choice you chose to make, but I think you should see them. At least reach out. I actually asked them what happened to you—“
Remus nearly dropped another glass.
“Relax, I didn’t actually want to know.” Lily rolled her eyes. “That’s your story to tell. I wanted to see if they’d blab. And I’d be telling you not to give them the light of day if they did, mind you. They refused. Point blank—I don’t think I even finished the sentence. They’re clearly still loyal to you—they respect your choice. Give them a shot.”
“And if they fuck up? If I fuck up?” Remus whispered, desperately. How could he recover again? His trust, already so fickle to begin with, would be decimated completely.
“If they fuck up, I’ll be the first in line to kill them.” Lily said lightly. “And if you fuck up, I’ll be the first in line to drag you by the ear to apologize.”
Remus huffed a laugh. She covered one of his hands with her’s. He subconsciously noted she didn’t flinch when her fingers landed over one of his scars.
“I understand trust is hard for you.” She said, almost a little sadly. “But those boys are still carrying torches for you. They’re still there for you. Waiting until you’re ready.”
It hit him then that what was happening was a two lane street. Sirius had given Remus his number and trusted he’d text him. Remus had told him he would. He’d be a hypocrite to break that trust and moan about his own.
Lily’s words had also given him a small flicker of encouragement. He wanted to see them again. They couldn’t go back to the way things were, not right away, and not without some serious conversations, but in time they could.
“Thanks, Lils.” He smiled, patting her hand. “You’re a gem.”
“I’m always in your corner, Remus.” She beamed. “Sometimes you just need a little push to get into the ring.”
“Boxing metaphors?”
“Mary’s obsessed. You can blame her.”
Remus laughed. “Speaking of…”
She glanced towards the windows. Mary was standing outside, petting a dog and chatting to the owner. “Right. Got a girl and a movie to catch.”
She paid for their drinks and blew him a kiss as she left.
Still smiling, he leaned against the bar and pulled out his phone.
Hey. It’s Remus.