Like a Moth to Flame

Walking back into the Potters’ household was not easy. There was a heavy emotional weight inside. Of course there was, how could there not be? Remus was a fool not to think of that. Sirius was in a bad way, of course everyone would be down. It’s not like his own household had been particularly cheery as of late either.

But he wasn’t leaving, Remus had decided that. So he did his best with what he had. He stayed in the kitchen with James and Fleamount for a little while. He snacked on cut up fruit, he accepted a cup of tea. They talked around the subject; James and his father talked about the quidditch season and Remus pretended to keep up. He hadn’t been keeping up, but he’d listened to much the same conversations between James and Sirius over the school years, he knew how to follow along.

Monty made the mistake of asking Remus what he’d been reading recently. Remus could have just said things or the even more boring school work. He didn’t though, instead he nervously went on a ramble about herbal remedies and curse theories. He’d wanted to be prepared when he arrived here, but he didn’t tell the Potters that. Fleamont looked impressed, he signaled for his son to pick up his jaw before he replied to Remus’s ramble.

“Sounds like you could be help with a few potions I’ve been working on….if you’d like.”

James sat up, he leaned in a bit closer to Remus. “So you’ve been doing your studying.”

How could he have done anything else? James wrote to him of curses and wounds that didn’t heal, fevers that remained unbroken, and nightmares and fears of blood? Remus had spent all the time he could doing research in the relevant areas. His brain wouldn’t quiet if he didn’t. Remus didn’t say any of that, though. He nodded instead.

“James does tell me you’re always studying.” Mr. Potter replied.

Remus nodded again. It was easier to admit that than to discuss the amount of worry that he felt at the idea of Sirius being cursed and tortured.

James turned on the radio. The three of them listened in relative silence for nearly an hour after that before Euphemia Potter came downstairs. She stood in the doorway to the kitchen and motioned for her husband to follow her.

Curious. Remus thought. He looked to James, they shared much the same expression. They wanted to know what was being hid from them as well.

“We don’t have any sleeping draught, do we?” Effie asked in a whisper.

“Do you want him to go back to sleep?” Fleamont countered.

Silence.

“He’s shaking like a leaf, and I don’t think he got a bit of sleep last night.”

Monty sighed, but the tone in his voice didn’t convey frustration, only worry. “Shaking? Has his fever risen?”

More silence. “He started shortly after the boys left the room. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help, he still shakes.”

“Maybe it’s time we consider taking him to hospital?” Mr. Potter suggested.

“Let’s try and get him to rest first. His friend just got here, it would be a terrible way for the boys to start off this visit.”

There was another pause between the two. Fleamont sighed again, this time more annoyed. “Alright. But he can’t live off of nutrition potions for forever. And if those wounds don’t close in another day or two we need to have them looked at.”

“You still haven’t answered my question, darling.” Euphemia quipped.

“I’ll look, and if we don’t I can make some. It isn’t very complicated and we should have sufficient supplies.”

James and Remus tried to scramble back down the hall before Mr. Potter turned out of the sitting room. They weren’t quick enough, though, and both were caught sneaking back to the kitchen by the father.

James smiled apologetically at his dad, nodding back towards the pantry. “We don’t have any, I took inventory earlier in the week. I’ll get the cauldron” he replied with a charismatic smile.

James, Remus, and Mr. Potter all worked together to make the potion Mrs. P had requested. James and Monty did most of the talking: Monty delegating tasks and James filling in the silence. Remus followed instructions, but he didn’t have much to say. He kept thinking about what he’d overheard. He started shaking shortly after the boys left the room<. Had Remus prompted this? He remembered what James had told him not an hour ago. He recognized you. Had Remus been too cowardly to stay? Had he hurt Sirius even more? He was supposed to be here to help, James told him he could help but maybe he was exactly the opposite. Maybe his presence here was only making Sirius worse.

Remus offered to clean the cauldron while Mr. Potter ran upstairs to consult his wife about how they would be giving Sirius the potion. His eating was inconsistent and he needed to drink a certain amount before it would be effective. James helped pick up while Remus scrubbed. Both of them wanted to keep busy, both of them were thinking about the conversation they’d spied in on.

“He’ll be okay” James eventually said. He wasn’t sure if he was saying it more for himself or Remus, they both needed to hear it.

“Does he look that empty all the time?” Remus asked.

James paused. “No” He tried to sound convincing.

Remus sighed.

“He lit up when he saw you.” James tried to uplift the conversation. It didn’t do much to make Remus feel better. If anything, it made him feel worse. He’d made things better, only to make them worse. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to face Sirius again, but if he could help….how couldn’t he?

“He’s worse because of me.” Remus admitted.

“Oh, don’t say that” James begged. “Don’t you dare say that!”

“And what if I can’t help? What if I do make things worse?”

“You’re not going to do that”

“He’s worse right now!” Remus argued

“And he’s been worse before. He’ll get better again.”

The boys stood in the kitchen in silence. James turned the radio back on but neither of them listened. It was a few minutes later when the Potters came downstairs.

“How is he?” James asked quickly. Remus was happy he did, it was the same question he had.

“Resting. Asleep.”

Both of the boys relaxed visibly at her answer.

“He should be sleeping for a while. Your father and I will take care of him. You catch up with your friend.” Effie ordered.

Both of the boys nodded. They moved to the front room but James couldn’t stand that there was still a faint stain in the carpet. The conversation didn’t last. James couldn’t concentrate, neither could Remus. Floo powder was all throughout the carpet, keeping them here because Remus couldn’t manage to look at Sirius for a second longer. How could they focus on anything other than Sirius in this setting?

“Why don’t we go upstairs?” James offered awkwardly. Everything was a bit awkward right now. Sirius was upstairs. He was sleeping, sure, but he was upstairs. If the air felt as heavy as lead down here, how difficult would it be to breathe when they were a room and a half away?

“He’s asleep” James reminded Remus. “We don’t have to see him, he won’t know.”

It didn’t do much to help, but Remus could tell that James thought it’d be a good idea to go upstairs. He didn’t want to be any ruder than he already had been so he obliged. Remus was used to making his feet move when they didn’t want to, he did it all the time after full moons. The concept was similar in this instance, though any stiffness he experienced in his limbs was almost purely psychological.

James’s room didn’t feel as bad. It didn’t have the same weight that Sirius’s did. It was decorated, lived in. Nothing about it was barren or clinical. His things were a sign of life, a filling of the silence. It was surprising how stark the difference was between the two rooms.

“Here, I’ll put something on.” James made his way towards his record collection while Remus sat on the bed, fiddling at the strap of his bag.

Music filled the room not long after. Piano music, a lovely little tune that soon distorted, sounding like the end of the world. Then it quieted, the piano was back, followed by guitar. Death on Two Legs, Remus thought. He closed his eyes and remembered Sirius dancing around their dorm to the song every morning for a week after James got the record.

Remus flinched as the first song switched over to the second. Sirius had loved to flop onto Remus’s bed and bother him through the entirety of Lazing Through a Sunday Afternoon. He made it through the next song, and half way through the fourth before throwing a pillow at James.

“Of all things, why the fuck did you choose this album?!”

“You’re my best friend, Moony!” James tried joking, making reference to the song that was playing in the background. He did turn the volume down without hesitation, though. Perhaps choosing an album Sirius had loved so much wasn’t a good choice right now.

“Sorry” James apologized, his head hanging as he thought about it. “It’s the first time I’ve used this since….” he sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I was half hoping he’d come bursting through the door like it’s a typical Thursday morning.”

Remus laughed. Despite how miserable he felt, Remus laughed. He was also expecting Sirius to burst out at any moment in song and dance. It was good to know that James felt the same way. It was sort of nice being able to laugh at the good memories. It was a fondness with a sting to it, knowing that Sirius was not going to come pantomiming through the door, but it was the first time a happy memory of Sirius hadn’t threatened to consume Remus whole in a long time.

It was grief they were feeling, but if they didn’t laugh, Remus was afraid he’d cry. He’d already done that once today, he wasn’t ready to start again so soon.

“I do too. I could see his whole routine in my head.” Remus replied. He had to bite his cheek when his mouth closed, but when he turned to look at James his friend looked similarly emotional.

“How he’d swing from banisters” James added

“And fall into bed” Remus replied.

“Roll over you for the art of it” James struck a pose as he said the last part. Both of them ended with more laughter. It only lasted a moment before abruptly stopping. It’s hard to make fun of their friend’s dramatics when he can’t currently speak for himself.

The music played softly in the background while both of them tried to think of something else to say. When Side A was finished, James turned his record player off and put the record away.

“It’s…..a little less scary when he’s sleeping.” James broke the silence.

Remus hadn’t been fully paying attention. He’d gotten lost in a memory, remembering the way Sirius would sing to him when it was near the moon and he couldn’t sleep. It was one of the many moments Remus got to see Sirius be gentle. So few got to see how sweet he really was. He wondered if he would ever be able to have those moments again.

“Hmm?” Remus replied, only hearing the last bit of what James said.

“When he’s sleeping…….he still looks sick, but it’s not as haunting as the wide eyes.”

Haunting was an appropriate word for it.

Remus nodded, but he didn’t make any motion towards standing up or heading towards the other bedroom. “What’s he like when he sleeps?”

“You’ve seen him sleep before.” James noted. He held his hands up as Remus glared at him.

“Mostly, he just sleeps. He doesn’t do anything but lay there on his face, head turned towards the door.”

“Even when he sleeps?” Remus asked. He wondered if Sirius always looked towards the door.

“It’s that or towards the wall. I personally would like to see if and when he wakes up. Otherwise how are we supposed to know? It’s not like he really moves”

“He can’t move?” Remus asked pointedly, his anxiety growing. Sirius couldn’t sit still typically, hearing that he was quite the opposite was jarring.

“He....can. I mean he shakes. He reached out towards me once. When I take his hand his fingers curl around it. His face twitches sometimes. He managed to stumble all the way to the bathroom a few days ago but...we haven’t tried that one again.”

Remus could tell from James’s voice that it was best not to ask what happened when he tried that. Instead he nodded, he thought about what this meant, he wondered if Sirius would be okay. He hated to think that Sirius might not make a recovery, that the last words Remus would have ever said to Sirius would have been words of hate. Of course I loved you Remus remembered saying shortly after that moon But I was foolish to think you’d feel the same. I trusted you, but you’re just as bad as your mother.

“How do you do it?” Remus asked, trying to shake the guilt of his words from the back of his head.

“What?”

“Take care of him. How do you do it?”

James sat in silence for a few moments while he thought about it. “I don’t know.” He replied honestly. “I just do. He needs me to.”

Remus thought about James’s words. He remembered what James had said to him earlier today when he was being a coward. I want to give him the chance to be better again and I don’t know if I’m enough. But what if Remus wasn’t enough either? What if Sirius got out too late? Maybe this was more than they could handle, maybe Sirius did need medical intervention.

Remus sighed.

“It’s never going to be easy, is it?” he asked James.

James frowned. He shook his head. Remus’s suspicions were true.

“We don’t have to go right away.” James promised.

Remus nodded. He wasn’t ready just yet. “Can we talk about anything else for a while?”

It didn’t take much convincing for James to agree. He wasn’t sure what to talk about and Remus had given him no suggestions, but James was great at filling the silence.

“I’ve been working on some new quidditch plays for this next year!”

This was normally the type of conversation that James would have with Sirius, but Remus had listened in on enough of these conversations, he could hold his own. He was happy to, really, to talk about anything other than Sirius. He managed almost an entire hour of conversation, actually managing to help James with one of his ideas before there was a knocking on the door. It was Mr. Potter.

“Are you boys hungry? I’m making sandwiches.”

Remus wasn’t particularly hungry, but he was thankful for the distraction. He was surprisingly relieved to hear Mr. Potter ask a normal, everyday question instead of relaying some devastating new development in Sirius’s curious health situation. He was happy to have something to do, to have a new location to venture to. While he wasn’t a fan of another trip down the stairs, Remus welcomed it because it wasn’t stagnant. The energy here was heavy, if he stayed still for too long, even in the protection of James’s room, one could absorb too much.

The air outside was nice. There was a slight breeze that Remus welcomed through his hair. The sun shone across his face, warming him. The grass swaying in the garden was a reminder that they were outside. There were no walls for his anxiety to bounce off of and get trapped in. They could all blow away for all he cared. Remus wasn’t certain if Mr. Potter had suggesting a sit in the back garden had been intentional, but Remus was thankful for it. While outside they talked about the weather and about the birds, they imagined figures and pictures in the clouds, they talked about their preferred sandwich fillings. Things were, for a very little while, nearly normal.

Mr. Potter went inside first, leaving James and Remus to themselves outside. They jumped over the little brick wall that bordered their boundary line and sat behind it. Remus didn’t have his cigarettes, but the two boys lay at the top of the hill and looked at the sky for a while. The world was bigger outside, Remus felt like he could breathe. There was still a tightness in his chest, one that might never leave if Sirius remains like this, but Remus can breathe.

Sirius might never be okay, he might never get better. Yet the clouds still move in the sky, the wind blows the grass and the leaves and the birds and the bees, Remus continues to live. It doesn’t seem fair, it doesn’t seem fun, but Remus doesn’t fail to exist if Sirius can’t continue. Remus’s sky will not fall black completely if Sirius can no longer shine. He’s lost Sirius before, Remus was here because he wanted Sirius back. Remus hadn’t been able to realize that until now, or if he was he wasn’t able to accept it. He had already lost Sirius, he wouldn’t be loosing him again if he went and visited. Especially not while he was asleep.

Remus took a deep breath, he let the summer air fill his lungs. “James?” He said, turning his head towards the other.

James turned and looked back at him. “Yeah, mate?”

“I think I’m ready to see him.”

James was right, it wasn’t as horrible facing him when he was asleep. Remus could almost pretend that he was fine. Sirius’s body was covered up by a blanket, but his face was too thin and his lips were chapped. His eyes were sunken in, the skin around them dark and good at catching shadows. Remus still felt like he couldn’t breathe, his stomach was tied in knots, and he felt as though his heart might shatter if Sirius got any smaller….but he wasn’t staring through Remus and he was breathing. Deep, even breathing. Remus tried to mimic it.

“See?” James whispered. He made himself comfortable in his spot on the floor next to Sirius’s bed. “It’s not as bad when his eyes are closed.”

Remus stood awkwardly for a while before trying to make himself comfortable on the floor. He nodded. “Yeah…...he almost just looks like he’s sleeping.”

“He is sleeping, he’s just-”

“Skeletal.” Remus replied. “…...and the covers can hide it but we both know what we’ll find underneath.”

James frowned, but Remus was right. “We’ll get his weight up. And I told you already, the cuts are almost healed.”

“After a week!”

James shushed the other, he watched Sirius for many moments to see if there was any sign of movement. Remus watched James, he quieted, he stilled.

“We’re trying our best” James finally replied.

“He needs a doctor”

James was quiet. The frown was still on his face, he considered what Remus said. “I know.” He didn’t want to admit it. He wanted to be enough to make Sirius better, he wanted to be helpful. He was afraid what would happen once doctors got involved.

Remus hated to look, but he couldn’t look away from the body laying in the bed beside him. Sirius looked ghastly, but that’s why Remus couldn’t look away. He needed to take in every detail, he needed to unlock the mystery of what was wrong with him.

He wanted Sirius back.

“I’m scared for him” Remus admitted

“And I’m not?!” James whispered fervently. “It’s the only thing I can think about, I’ve been here all week. I’ve been feeding him, and laying with him, staying up with him, he’s in my fucking clothes right now!”

“I know that!” Remus whispered back. “Listen…..fuck, I’m sorry I offended you by saying he needs a doctor. But he does. He sleeps or he’s catatonic, he doesn’t walk, he’s not eating, he shakes all the time?” Remus’s chest felt like a swarm of bees, he had to remember to breathe. “I’m not saying you don’t care for him, but fuck…..”

This wasn’t as easy as Remus had hoped it would be.

“Let him sleep. We can see how he is when he wakes up.”

Right. Sirius would be awake again. Remus wasn’t sure what to expect from that. His stomach twisted at the thought. Would Sirius recognize him? Or was that moment James was talking about just some weird fluke? Remus’s chest hurt, it was too tight. He forced himself to take a deep breath, he sighed. Sirius might never get better, the grass still moves, time still goes on. They had several hours before Sirius would wake up again. They could go do anything, yet Remus remained sat on the floor. He didn’t really want to be anywhere else, he didn’t know what he’d do with himself.

“So….when you sit with him like this.” Remus mused. “What do you do?”

James looked perplexed, as though he hadn’t actually thought about it until just now.

“I don’t know…..a lot of sitting. I talk to him, it helps to talk. It’s kind of like things are normal. I don’t really ever know if he can hear me but...I like to think he can. I act as though he can.”

Remus thought that made sense. If Sirius was unconscious and poorly in the hospital wing at school, Remus would be doing the same thing. But this wasn’t school and this wasn’t a prank gone wrong. It was different, it was worse.

“Well,” Remus started, scrubbing his hands over his face. “As someone who’s been on the receiving end of that same potion before...he’s not going to know a thing for another five or six hours.”

“Right.” James agreed. He didn’t really know what else to say. “What do you want to do until then?”

That was the question, wasn’t it? They’d listened to music, they’d caught up on their summers for the most part, they’d had a snack, they’d touched grass and breathed in the fresh air, they’d seen Sirius. Remus hated the sight of the boy laying in the bed, but what was he to do? Did he want to leave? No, he didn’t.

Remus sighed. He shrugged. The three boys sat in uncomfortable silence.

“Do you think he might be cursed?” James asked. He was concerned, he was curious.

Remus shrugged. “Maybe. No idea what curse it could be, though.”

James nodded. “Probably not something we could find in the shops or in a library.”

“In the restricted section, maybe.”

James perked up. Remus could already tell he had plans. Remus thought it silly to think of ways to steal the book. If Sirius was still remotely close to this poorly when it was time to return to school it would be because the doctors failed. Remus hadn’t yet thought about returning to Hogwarts without Sirius, it sent an electric jolt down his spine.

If the doctors failed Sirius then Remus would be in the restricted section learning everything he could about dark magic and magical maladies, but Remus wouldn’t have to break into the restricted section, he’d have a pass. Needing information on dark magic was a risky move in this political environment, but Remus was confident he’d be able to convince McGonagall to write him a pass. Of anyone he could trust to understand, it was her.

“Or Knockturn Alley..” Remus mused a moment later.

James gave Remus a look. “Knockturn Alley?”

Remus didn’t entirely understand why James looked so shocked. “Yeah. You’d have to have money there, though. Probably a lot of it”

James frowned.

“Well, maybe we can figure something out.” James said. “I mean magic is just theory and application, right? And we know how to do plenty of helpful charms…..”

Remus chuckled. “What do you suggest? Just...take healing charms we know and try to work backwards to figure out what curse he’s afflicted with? If he even is cursed?”

“You make it sound like a bad idea” James chuffed. “I think it’s creative, innovative,”

“Frustrating? Tedious? Wholly Unnecessary” Remus interrupted his friend. James flipped him the bird. They both laughed, only for a second.

“It would give us something to do!”

Remus couldn’t disagree. The two proceeded to theorize. They debated if a charm could be reversed and if so, which elements would be the most important. Would word and voice inflection be entirely important, or would wand position? Are vowels more important than consonants? Was feeling involved more than intent? Was there a difference between the two? They argued about many topics. It was fun to theorize, to have someone who understood the reason and the concern. It was fun until the topic of blood curses came up.

“A blood curse? Do you really think they would have?” James asked

Remus shrugged. “They have a history of excommunicating anyone they don’t agree with…...maybe that’s part of it?”

“What, exhaustion and wounds that don’t heal?”

“They might not be healing because of how exhausted he is” Remus replied. “And if he’s malnourished….”

“You think so?” James asked.

“Isn’t that what scurvy does?”

James considered countering, but thought against it. He didn’t really know much about scurvy, could wizards even get scurvy? What could he bring to the argument? But could the problem simply be malnutrition? Could it be so simple, simply medical? Knowing families as pure as the Blacks, it wasn’t likely to be so.

“Mum’s been giving him those nutrition potions.”

“Good.”

Silence filled the room again. Sirius continued to sleep in the bed beside them. The only sound that could be heard was his slow, steady breathing. At least he was breathing, at least he wasn’t in pain.

Theorizing wasn’t fun anymore, Remus couldn’t think about it any longer without getting pissed off at the Black Family and about life in general. They sat in silence for awhile, they watched Sirius sleep. He was clearly sick, but he didn’t look scared while he slept. And he breathed, Remus loved that Sirius breathed.

Mrs. Potter checked in on them a little while later. She brought up a tea tray with snacks, she encouraged the boys to do something that would engage their minds. Theorizing was out, potion making was out, scrubbing the carpet for the umpteenth time was out. They could go sit in grass again, but if they did that Remus would want a cigarette and he was trying to ration himself. He was supposed to go into London in two days, but he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to do that if this was the situation. How could he go have fun while Sirius was wasting away?

They settled on chess.

Chess kept them busy for a long while. They didn’t have to talk if they didn’t want to, save for naming their moves. They could snack while they played, enjoy the tea Mrs. Potter had made. They could almost forget that Sirius was sleeping, even that he was sick. It almost felt like a slow weekend morning back at school, with Sirius sleeping in and James and Remus both up, bored, and not in the mood to do schoolwork. The only difference between a lazy Saturday morning and today was that both Remus and James would pause and hold their breath any time they sensed any bit of movement from Sirius. He sighed heavily once, grunted twice, and twitched his fingers at least three times in the hours that they played their game. Sirius never answered their questions, he didn’t react if one of them touched his hand or his shoulder. They returned to chess. They could play chess for hours. They did play chess for hours. They played chess until Mr. Potter came knocking on the door.

“Mum’s made dinner.” He was holding a plate full of food with a book under his arm and a smile on his face. “You boys wash up and head downstairs.”

James’s stomach growled, Remus eyed the plate in Mr. Potter’s hand. He wasn’t sure if it was the plate in Mr. Potter’s hand or the door opening the room to the smell of dinner cooking wafting from downstairs but the smell of it also made Remus hungry. They put their game of chess up and out of the way, nodding to Monty on their way out the door. Remus paused before stepping both feet over the door’s threshold. He turned back to Sirius, still quite asleep.

“We’ll be back in a bit.” Pretending it was normal helped. “Don’t move the board unless you can put Prongs in check, hmm?”

Remus’s heart constricted tightly, wringing his lungs breathless and squeezing tears up to his eyes. He remembered to breathe, he smiled sadly at the shell of the boy he once loved. Remus hoped Sirius could hear him, he hoped that acting like things were normal helped more than just himself.

James’s stomping down the stairs helped drag Remus out of the room and back onto the task at hand.

Dinner wasn’t a very complicated affair. Mrs. Potter had food on the stove. She insisted on plating food for the boys, having them sit down at the table once she was certain they’d washed their hands. She danced around the subject of Sirius much easier than James did.

“What have you boys been up to this afternoon?” That’s the question she had asked. Remus was thankful. While Sirius was stuck in the back of everyone’s minds, it was nice to pretend that things were normal.

“We’ve been playing chess.” James replied.

Mrs. Potter smiled. “Who’s winning?”

“It’s pretty close.” Remus said.

“I’m winning this game” James chimed in.

Remus snorted. “You wish.”

For just a few minutes while they got to dive into their meal, things were very nearly normal.

Mr. Potter came downstairs not fifteen minutes later than the boys had.

“Coming down for seconds already?” Euphemia asked, already halfway up towards the stove to fix him a plate.

“He’s awake.” Fleamont replied.

There may as well have been a silencing charm on the room, the sound from it dulled that quickly. What did he mean he’s awake?

“Awake?”

“Yes!”

The table went abandoned as two Potters and a Lupin raced upstairs.

They stood in the doorway, all three of them. Fleamont joined a few moments later, trailing behind at a less frantic pace. Sirius was sitting upright. He was bleary eyed and wild haired, he looked confused and disoriented.

“Sirius?” James asked as he crept into the room. He dropped down to his knees in his spot on the floor next to Sirius’s bed. “Sirius, hey it’s James. Can you hear me?”

Sirius groaned as his hand moved up to his head and his head swiveled around. Remus felt his heart constrict and twist in his chest as Sirius swayed.

“Sirius?” James said a bit more fervently. “Sirius, hey. Can you hear me?”

“Give him a moment” Mrs. Potter hummed from the doorway. “He’s just woken up. He may need time.”

The hairs on the back of Remus’s neck were standing on end as he watched Sirius sway and rub at his face. Slowly, Sirius’s head turned closely towards James’s direction. Remus watched with bated breath as he saw Sirius’s eyes open. They blinked open and looked around the room somewhat vacantly for a few seconds before Sirius’s head lulled to one side and his eyelids began to droop. He looked sick, but he also seemed more present than he had the last time Remus saw him. He looked like he was trying.

Without warning, Remus’s feet took him to the bedside as well. His joints, perpetually stiff from countless traumas over the moons, meant that Remus was slow to get down on the floor but he would rather be at Sirius’s height or lower. Sirius was having a hard enough time as it was keeping his head up, it seemed.

“Sirius” Remus whispered. The face stared somewhere between him and James, Sirius’s eyes didn’t latch on to either of theirs.

Remus studied each microexpression Sirius gave. He watched as Sirius’s lip quivered, as his body tensed, as he winced when his head moved a certain degree. He saw how much energy Sirius was spending just to be upright right now, his entire body was trembling to some degree. Remus had seen Sirius in pain before, he’d seen him scared before, but he’d never seen the other this far gone. Anger hardened like a pit in his stomach as he thought about what Sirius’s parents must have allowed, concern brewed like a storm in his chest as he thought about the man sitting in front of him, worry sat at the base of his neck as he wondered why this had happened to Sirius.

Remus reached out towards the other, his hand landing steadily on Sirius’s arm. “Are you in any pain?”

He noticed you. James’s words flashed through Remus’s head as he felt Sirius tense then relax at his touch. Remus slowed his breathing as he watched Sirius. A strained groan came from the back of Sirius’s throat and Remus’s heart leapt up into his own. Remus squeezed Sirius’s arm gently for encouragement. He could see that the other was looking at him, he seemed to be paying attention and taking note, but Remus had yet to meet his eyes and make sure he wasn’t met with a hollow stare. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that look again He hoped he wouldn’t be met with one.

“It’s alright, you’re safe.” James added. Sirius looked scared, he looked terrified, he looked exhausted, and he looked like he was in pain. Remus could only imagine what was going on in his head. Sirius groaned and both him and James held their breath.

“It’s okay” Remus whispered. He watched Sirius’s face to try and discern what exactly was wrong. He watched for what could have been hours before Sirius’s eyes met Remus’s. His stare wasn’t hollow, he saw Remus. Remus felt like he could float up to the ceiling. His mouth spread into a smile.

“Hi.” Remus’s throat was tight, he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know if he’d get a response; it was alright if he didn’t, he knew that Sirius could see him. That’s the closest thing to awake I’ve seen all week. Whatever happened after this, it would be progress compared to how Sirius has apparently been.

Remus waited with his tongue pressed firmly between his teeth as he saw Sirius wince, watched him falter. He held his breath, he was patient as he waited to see if Sirius would recover. Remus hadn’t been expecting Sirius’s hands to find his face. He hadn’t been certain Sirius would have that much muscle control or concentration. Sirius was awake, but he still looked extraordinarily weak.

The feeling of Sirius’s cold fingers touching Remus’s cheek sent an electric shock throughout his body. His heart very well may have stopped for a moment, it was the strangest feeling. Remus realized a moment later that Sirius wasn’t just looking at him anymore, he’d moved his attention to James. Sirius was disoriented, but he was the most present he’d been since arriving at the Potters’. Remus knew this as he watched Sirius break down into a sob.

As his ribcage deflated, so did the rest of him. Jagged movements accompanied the heaves in his chest, Sirius deflated like a sad balloon. Remus wasn’t the only person who reached for Sirius as he began to fall forward, James was there to catch him and his parents weren’t far behind.

“It’s alright, dear.”

“I’ve got you”

“You’re okay, Son.”

“Shhhh.”

Everyone had something to say to Sirius as he sobbed among them.

“We should get him back into bed.” Remus said to the others. He’d halfway fallen out of bed when he collapsed into tears, nobody had completely corrected it and he was beginning to slide off. Remus moved from his original position holding Sirius’s right side and crept behind to hold him from behind. James steadied Sirius’s front while Mr. Potter took hold of Sirius’s legs. They counted to three before hoisting Sirius back into bed. James then hurried on shoving pillows behind Remus’s back as Remus leaned backwards with Sirius against his chest.

“There you go, alright. Good job.” Remus praised as Sirius began to relax against him. There was a moment where everyone just watched Sirius, waiting to see if something happened. Everyone settled a bit when they realized he didn’t move. He didn’t seem as alert as he was a few minutes ago, but he remained awake and breathing.

“Do you think he’s in pain?” Remus asked James as the other settled himself in the wedge between the two boys and the wall the bed was pressed up against.

“I…..don’t know. Maybe.” James frowned as he watched Sirius laying there. His eyes were looking around, but they never landed on anything James could discern. He didn’t look at James’s face with any recognition. James wondered what he was thinking about, if anything at all.

Mrs. Potter sat at the edge of the bed and studied his hands. She took one of his in her own. “So cold” She observed. “That can’t be comfortable.” She stood up and left, returning a minute or two later with a porcelain jar of hand cream. Carefully, she worked life and moisture back into Sirius’s hand.

Remus sat and watched, he talked among the Potters, he wondered if Sirius was lost to them again or if he’d gain recognition again. He wondered just what was happening in Sirius’s mind, he wondered what had made him this sick. He wondered if he was really going to be able to help.

The sudden jolt of energy was unexpected. Remus could feel the way Sirius came back online, his head swiveling and feverishly looking for something. Sirius twisted, he strained but his eyes eventually found Remus. Remus couldn’t help but smile as he saw the glint of recognition find them.

“Hi.” Remus whispered again. He worried about what had motivated Sirius to move, he worried that such sudden movements might have hurt him. More than anything, since Sirius had woken up, Remus was concerned that he was in pain. So when Sirius smiled at him and gave indication that he could hear Remus, that’s what Remus asked. “Are you in pain?”

Sirius didn’t answer him, but he didn’t look away. He eased a little bit, his eyes closing and head resting against Remus’s chest. Was that because he was comfortable? Or was it because he didn’t have the energy to do anything else?”

“I think he is” James spoke up, finally someone else giving a response.

Sirius groaned. It was quiet, it was short, Remus thought perhaps he was the only person who could hear it. It didn’t much matter, he could hear it. Remus shushed the boy in his arms. He tried calming the other, he brushed some of his hair back. Slowly, his hand slid down to the other’s neck and checked in on his pulse.

“His pulse is fast.” Remus said after a few moments.

“He’s breathing quickly” James added.

Effie Potter stopped her mission of putting warmth back into Sirius’s hands. “I’ll get a pain potion for him.”

Remus could feel Sirius’s warm quick breaths panting against his neck. He was straining to look up at Remus, Remus wished he could get the other to calm down. Remus took a deep breath, he tried counting to ten as he exhaled, giving Sirius an idea of how to slow his own breaths.

“Just breathe. You’re alright. Help is on the way.” He soothed. Remus counted his breathing more for his own measure than Sirius’s. His heart was racing and his chest was tight, but he counted the seconds of each inhale and exhale, he watched Sirius’s reactions, he reassured both of them that he was alright. This was hard, but he wasn’t doing it alone. James sat right next to them and struggled to help just as much as Remus did. James took Sirius’s hand in his own, he started massaging it like his mother had just been doing.

No matter how much Remus tried to steady his breathing, Sirius didn’t steady. He continued to strain, to glue his focus onto Remus. He fought blinking, he hid from relaxing, Remus couldn’t stop looking at Sirius with concern. He didn’t know how to get Sirius to calm down, he didn’t know if he could. He wondered if Sirius was scared too, or just in pain. Remus heard Sirius grunt, Remus frowned. He shushed Sirius some more.

Remus’s saving grace was that James looked just as scared as Remus felt. It hurt to love Sirius when he was this sick, it hurt to love Sirius when he wasn’t certain Sirius would ever know that. It hurt to love Sirius when he could still remember how much it hurt to be betrayed by him. At least James hurt too, Remus wasn’t sure how he’d managed this all week by himself.

Mrs. Potter returned quickly enough, even though it felt like ages of mindful breathing and pushing away self doubt. She had a small vial of pain potion in her hand and a gentle smile on her face. Remus knew she wasn’t actually happy, but she was a mom and a good one at that, she knew she lead the morale.

“How are we going to give it to him?” James asked.

“We’re going to ask” Effie responded calmly.

“Will he listen?” James continued.

“We can try” Remus replied.

James’s worry was palpable, but the need to reduce Sirius’s pain was more important. Even James understood that.

“You should try.” James told Remus.

Remus didn’t disagree. Sirius had been straining to look at him, he’d been keeping his eyes focused on Remus. It would be safe to assume that Sirius would be most responsive to him. With some help from the Potters, Remus got Sirius shuffled so that he was laying more to the side in Remus’s lap. Remus’s arm supported Sirius’s shoulders, James helped fill in space with pillows and his own body. Remus could look down at Sirius and Sirius could look up at him. Remus took the bottle and held it up into Sirius’s vision. He hoped Sirius was attending.

“This is going to make you feel much better very quickly.” Remus brought the bottle up to Sirius’s lips. They stayed firmly stuck closed. Sirius tensed in Remus’s body, his eyes closed tightly.

Remus sighed. That hadn’t worked.

“It’s okay, mate.” James encouraged. “He needs his time. Feeding him isn’t easy.”

Remus looked down at the boy in his arm and studied him. The glint in his eye was slowly dulling. Remus wondered where he was going, what was happening in his mind. Sirius’s eyes started tracking something else, his breathing picked up pace.

“Sirius,” Remus called out, concern edging at the corners of his voice. “Can you hear me?”

Sirius looked around, his eyes were searching for something. Remus hoped it was him Sirius was looking for.

“Look at me, Sirius.”

Remus scanned Sirius’s face for several seconds. He watched as the other strained and tried to push himself to the surface. He groaned, but his eyes eventually found Remus’s and for that Remus was relieved. “Hi” He murmured, his face spreading into a smile.

“This is a pain potion.” Remus said, holding up the bottle to be within Sirius’s line of vision. “I’m going to try it and show you.”

Remus held the vial up to his lips and took a small sip. He made sure not to take too much, Sirius needed it much more than he did. He looked like he was struggling to remain conscious as it was. Remus understood how hard it was to manage when in pain, he hated that Sirius had to be in so much of it.

“It will take about a minute.” Remus informed the other. He rubbed Sirius’s arm, trying to give him something else to stay focused on. “Try and stay with me.”

It wasn’t an incredibly noticeable difference, but some of the stiffness in Remus’s joints eased, some of the tightness in his chest released. He smiled down at Sirius, though he wasn’t entirely sure that Sirius could see him. It didn’t matter, they were going to try this.

“And I’m already feeling better. Now, I think you’d benefit from the rest. Will you try it?”

Remus put the bottle back up to Sirius’s lips. He struggled at first, but Remus made sure not to overwhelm him. Sirius managed to finish the potion with little relative ease. Remus watched as Sirius’s face scrunched and lips pursed, holding the liquid in his mouth for several seconds before swallowing it down with a deep gulp. Sirius took one big breath, then turned and hid in Remus’s chest.

It almost felt like midnights past, in the hours where Remus first fell in love with Sirius. When the other would have a particularly bad dream, he liked to hide in Remus’s chest. He counted Remus’s heartbeat, tried to match his breathing. Remus would measure his breaths and stroke Sirius’s hair. Sometimes they would talk, sometimes they would lay in silence. Remus would do whatever he could to keep the fear at bay. Those moments felt very similar to right now.

“You’ll be okay.” Remus promised, his arms wrapping protectively around Sirius’s body. “You’ll feel better soon.”

It was only another minute or so before Sirius’s body relaxed a bit. His muscles weren’t as tense and his breathing slowed. Sirius remained hidden in Remus’s chest but Remus didn’t mind. He could feel his heart beating heavier than usual, he wasn’t sure if it was butterflies or anxiety. Both, perhaps. Remus was both honored to be trusted with Sirius and terrified about the other’s prognosis.

He distracted himself with talking. Him and James and Mrs. P made pleasant conversation. Remus kept Sirius pressed safely in his arms and he talked with the Potters about anything. He had allowed himself to get lost in the conversation. At first it was about Sirius, about how they should act. Like everything was normal, but if he was resting then we shouldn’t ask too much of him. Then, Mrs. Potter asked Remus which classes he would be taking next year. Remus wasn’t the one who noticed Sirius’s pained expressions or the way his hand wrapped over his stomach. He wasn’t the one that heard Sirius’s stomach growl, or who spoke up about it.

“Are you hungry?” James asked Sirius. That’s when Remus and Mrs. Potter’s conversation stopped. Remus turned back to Sirius and inspected him. He did look like he was in pain, he looked like he was struggling to do something but Remus couldn’t tell what.

Remus hadn’t caught that and he wouldn’t have guessed hunger if he had been the one to have been paying attention to Sirius. He felt guilty, he felt helpless.

“I’ll make something up for him.” Mrs. Potter said as she stood from her spot at the foot of the bed. “It wouldn’t hurt to try.”

Remus watched as Mrs. Potter crossed the bedroom, stopping before she left to turn towards her son. “James, love. Come with me. You can carry yours and Remus’s dinners up. Neither of you got to eat much.”

James didn’t have to be asked twice. He quickly got up and scampered to his mother. The two of them headed downstairs and towards the kitchen, leaving Remus and Sirius alone.

The air got heavy again as Remus was left with nothing but the sick boy in his arms and his thoughts. Today had been an emotional roller coaster. Remus didn’t know why he expected anything less. He didn’t really, he hadn’t known what to expect when he packed his bag and popped in the floo this morning. James was right, Sirius was going to break their heart a hundred more times before he got better.

Remus was mindful of the air that filled his lungs. Focusing on the sensation was just as important as the breath itself. Focusing on some small innocuous detail like the air filling his lungs to capacity helped distract him from the pain. Usually he used these tools to distract from the pain of the maladies he caused himself after transformations, but it could help distract from emotional pain too.

At least, Remus thought it could. The sharp break of his chest on the exhale showed that Remus wasn’t as in control as he had thought he was. Sirius was awake. He might not be entirely present at the moment, but he was awake and because of that Remus needed to be stronger but it was hard. He hadn’t been prepared to see Sirius look so hollow, he hadn’t been prepared to see him fight to come back, he wasn’t prepared to be the one holding him upright and calling him back to consciousness. Part of Remus wanted to run, to flee this feeling and forget he’d ever loved anybody or anything, much less Sirius. Yet here he remained, holding what little pieces of his heart remained together like his life depended on it.

Maybe his life did depend on it. He wasn’t sure what sort of a life he would have without Sirius. One with less adventure, one with less support, one with longer days and less sunshine. He would survive, alright, Remus was resilient, but would he be happy? Did he deserve to be?

His sobs only lasted a moment. Remus was able to regain control the moment he felt Sirius push away from him. He hadn’t realized Sirius had that much strength, but he supposed that was a good sign that the pain potion had worked. Remus wiped at his face and straightened up as Sirius gained enough composure to find Remus’s eyes.

“Hey, hi.” Remus whispered. Sirius didn’t look as steady as Remus would have liked, Remus’s hands hovered close by in case the other was in need of emergency support. “It’s good to see you’re awake. You’ve been sleeping for awhile.”

And that wasn’t a lie, it was good to see that Sirius was awake. It was good and it was scary. Remus was never certain for how long they would get Sirius before he fell back asleep or regained the empty, fearful stare that told him Sirius was in the far recesses of his mind. Sirius didn’t respond to Remus, so Remus continued on.

“Thank you for taking that potion. It seems like you’re feeling better? James is absolutely elated you’re awake.” That also wasn’t a lie. James was absolutely ecstatic that Sirius was awake. Remus was too, but deflecting the excitement off on James was easier to admit to right now. Sirius didn’t seem to mind, he didn’t seem to do anything at all other than stare at Remus. Was that a good thing? Remus wasn’t certain.

Sirius continued to sit upright but his strength was wavering. Remus could see the way his breath changed as he had to continue to sit up on his own, the way his body teetered, not really finding comfort or strength in one position. Remus rested his hand carefully against Sirius’s shoulder. Still, the other seemed determined to be up right now.

“Do you want to sit up for a bit? Here, we can get you comfortable over here.” Remus was quick to move the pillows he had been given into a pile in the corner of the bed, not far from where Sirius was currently sitting. He praised Sirius for being able to sit up for so long, he guided the other and gave him directions. He helped Sirius scoot closer and he rearranged the pillows until Sirius looked as comfortable as possible. He pulled the blankets up around Sirius so that he would stay warm. When Remus was satisfied with Sirius’s position, he took the hand that Mrs. Potter hadn’t been working on and started to massage it himself. Sirius’s hands were tight, the muscles curled inward and blood vessels small. Remus had to be careful as he uncurled Sirius’s fingers and rubbed them, reminding them what it could be like to be warm. He stretched Sirius’s hand out along his, he tried to dissociate from the fact that Sirius’s hands could look so thin or so bony. He ran his finger along a protruding vein.

“Oh look,” Remus said, pointing towards the Potters as they re-entered the bedroom. Remus wasn’t sure how cognizant Sirius was, but pretending things were normal helped. Speaking out loud helped keep Remus’s voice from cracking. Talking to Sirius couldn’t hurt, he assumed. “James and Mrs. P are back. They brought us supper to try.”

Sirius didn’t seem to move or show any indication of caring as the Potters came closer. James gave Remus his bowl while Euphemia set up the tray for Sirius. It had little legs that popped out from the bottom, just tall enough to stand over Sirius’s lap. There were many small bowls and glasses with different items upon it: juice, water, rice, yogurt, flat breads, and a mug of broth. James took interest in setting the tray up with his mother, Remus took a bite of his food. James seemed to want to take the initiative on this one, Remus would happily let him.

“Try a bite” James asked of Sirius, a spoonful of yogurt pressed to Sirius’s lips. Sirius didn’t listen, but Remus hadn’t expected him to.

“Go on now, it’s just yogurt. You don’t even have to chew.”

But still, Sirius’s mouth didn’t open. Remus could feel James’s frustration grew as his worry did. Sat so close together, Remus was forced to sit inside it’s boundaries, to feel its wavering edges.

“Give him space, James.” Euphemia reminded her son, curbing some of James’s anxiety. “He needs time, remember. Focus on your food.”

James focused on his meal but Remus focused on Sirius. He watched as the other sat motionless, looking anxious and confused about everything being offered to him. Remus took a bite of his food, but his eyes didn’t leave Sirius. His eyes didn’t have to be on Sirius to hear the way his stomach growled, though. All three of them in the room looked at Sirius. They saw the way his face twitched in discomfort.

“Are you in pain?” Mrs. Potter asked.

Remus could feel the way Sirius was trembling lightly, he could see the pallor of Sirius’s skin, the way his lips pressed into a thin line. This may be hunger, yes, but it was also nausea. His hand made its way to Sirius’s shoulder, trying to help ground him, to keep him from getting worse. “Breathe.”

Even if Sirius had tried doing as Remus asked, it hadn’t worked. Only a moment after Remus steadied him was Sirius hunched over and gagging. Everyone was taken aback, there was no time to do anything other than spring into action.

“Careful!” Effie said as she pulled the tray away from Sirius’s lap.

“Shhh,” Remus continued to soothe, not wanting to escalate the situation any further.

“I’ll get a bin.” James said as he jumped off the bed and headed to the corner of the room where the small trashcan sat.

Sirius’s body shook. He panted and struggled, he whimpered and fell forward even more. Remus caught him, steadying him by the chest.

“Easy now.”

Sirius choked and coughed, he heaved and shook but nothing happened. James found the water and pressed the glass up to Sirius’s lips. Remus could feel the spiky rush of anxiety spike around James’s movements. He could hear it in his voice as he tried to soothe his friend.

“It’s alright.”

Remus watched as James pressed a glass of water up to Sirius’s lips, he watched as the other flinched and shivered, he could see how hard Sirius’s body was trying to hold on to the present, he could see how hard it was working, how hard it was trying to protect itself. Remus had seen Sirius’s defenses up, he understood the armor he typically wore, but he didn’t understand this. He didn’t understand how Sirius could get this sick, he didn’t understand how truly wicked the people he’d gone home to were. He knew that the two of them had left the school year on bad terms, but he didn’t understand why Sirius didn’t trust them. Sirius might not know it’s them though. The thought enraged him, but he wasn’t allowed to show it. Not right now, not while Sirius was so sick.

“Just a sip” Remus coaxed instead, trying to help keep Sirius present and reduce some of James’s anxiety. “Whatever happens, it will help.”

Sirius whimpered, everyone else held their breath.

“It’s alright.” Mrs. Potter soothed, her hand resting on Sirius’s knee.

They had to be patient, but eventually Sirius’s lips parted and he took a few sips of water. They didn’t stay down for long though, which was fine. Getting Sirius to try was more important to Remus. Giving his stomach the opportunity to hold something and decide to reject it was better than watching him heave and choke unproductively. Sirius whimpered as he coughed up the liquid, Remus felt his heart constrict, but he kept his face neutral and as calm as possible.

“Shhh, that’s alright, you’re alright.” Mrs. Potter reassured Sirius. Remus reminded Sirius to breathe, James told him to let his body do what it needed. Nobody was upset with Sirius for being sick, everyone was proud that he had tried the water.

Sirius coughed and heaved a few more times. Nothing more than a bit of stomach acid and water came up. Sirius panted as he held his head over the bin, all of them watched him, seeing if he would steady. Remus asked for a napkin from Mrs. Potter. He wiped the drool away from Sirius’s mouth.

“Has this happened before?” Remus asked the Potters. He knew that feeding Sirius had been difficult, but he wasn’t sure if it was common for him to get sick while trying or if this was a new symptom.

James shook his head, Effie continued to whisper soothing words to Sirius. Remus’s worry grew, but he swallowed it down for everyone’s sake.

Sirius shivered, then he grunted. His head swiveled, top heavy and random until Sirius’s eyes landed on Remus’s. Sirius gasped, his eyes grew bit. Remus couldn’t tell if he was scared, or worried, or excited. He looked like he recognized Remus, though. The glassy composition coating his irises with a disorienting fog had lifted. Sirius grunted like he was in pain, like he was struggling to process what was going on. Remus watched as Sirius’s arms flew up to Remus’s face, mapping out every scar along his face. Remus hated that Sirius was so confused. James was right, Sirius was going to break their heart a hundred more times. He was breaking Remus’s heart right now.

“Hey, shh. It’s alright.” The smile across Remus’s face couldn’t stop from spreading, though. Sirius was here with them, he wasn’t stuck in his memories. He may be weak and sick and overall not doing well, but he wasn’t unconscious. “You alright?” he asked, taking Sirius’s shaking hand and trying to steady it. “We can just rest for a bit.”

Both James and Remus helped steady Sirius as they scooted him back towards the wedge of pillows. Remus made sure Sirius’s head was supported, James pulled a blanket up over Sirius’s lap. The two of them sat on opposite sides of their friend. James had taken Sirius’s other hand in his much like Remus had done. The two of them were trying to massage life back into Sirius’s hands, reminding them that they could be straight and strong and unwavering if he only gave them a chance. The cloudy look hadn’t returned to Sirius’s eyes, but he still seemed tired and disoriented.

“Can you hear us, Sirius?” Remus asked after several long, painful moments. The other didn’t blink or move his head, he didn’t give much indication to being aware of him at all. “It’s alright if you can’t.”

“But it’d be great if you could.” James added. Remus agreed, it would be great if he could hear them.

It was several seconds before he felt it, but Sirius’s hand moved. His fingers curled up around his own, they twitched and they squeezed. Remus’s heart froze in his chest; he looked down at the hand, then up at Sirius, then down at the hand again.

“Was that on purpose?”

James’s eyes were locked in on Remus and Sirius’s hand. The two of them waited on baited breath to see if Sirius would respond again. When they saw Sirius squeeze Remus’s hand a second time, the two of them let out relieved and surprised expressions.

“Holy shit!” James whispered. Remus chuckled in surprise.

“Can you do it twice in a row?” James asked.

The boys waited once more for Sirius to respond to them. Remus could feel how hard Sirius was trying to concentrate, he tried to lend him some of his own energy to help him through. His heart was beating loudly in his chest. Was there a possibility that they would be able to communicate with Sirius? They’d spent a week with him asleep. If he could answer, this would open up a whole new world of possibilities for them.

Two squeezes. Sirius might have broken Remus’s heart a dozen times today already, but the hope he’d just inspired was worth it all. They could communicate with him! This was a huge breakthrough!

“Okay!” James said excitedly. “Once for yes, twice for no.” The grin on his smile was large and excited and greedy for more. “Can you hear us?”

They waited another few seconds, one more squeeze. The whole day just got exponentially brighter.

“Very good!” Remus praised. He stayed focused on all aspects of Sirius. When he saw the other’s mouth perk up into a smile, he knew that they were doing something right. The three of them continued to try and communicate between each other. They asked if Sirius was in pain, if they could understand him. They asked if he knew where he was and who he was talking to. They explained the different potions the Potters brought up for him, they asked to make sure he understood what he was taking. They asked if he was scared. They were patient with Sirius, they were kind to him, they praised every little effort Sirius made.

Remus’s heart beat strong in his chest the entire time. He had to will his own hands to be still and steady and strong as he helped Sirius, he had to remind himself to stay strong long enough to hold on until Sirius went back to sleep. Who knew how long that would be? Remus both hoped that it was soon and that Sirius would keep holding on for another few minutes. He was never sure how long Sirius would be asleep for once he’d passed out.

Sirius had fallen asleep a few hours later, while Remus had stepped out to use the bathroom. When he returned, Sirius was drooling lightly on James’s shoulder.

“It’s alright.” James promised, using his shirt to wipe the drool from Sirius’s lips. “I can stay with him tonight. You should take my room. The sheets are fresh, I promise.”

Remus didn’t really care about the freshness of the sheets. He cared about Sirius’s prognosis. But he couldn’t really argue with James. While Sirius had been pressed to Remus for much of the evening, he looked quite comfortable cuddled up in James’s side. Remus could sleep on the floor in here if he really wanted, but James’s bed did seem to be the better offer. It might be nice to have a bit of privacy too so he could process what a wild fucking day he’d had.

But Sirius had woken up and he could communicate to a degree, Remus had managed to see Sirius’s eyes without the look of fear or terror in them. But he’d also held Sirius as he’d gotten sick, he’d talked with James about curses and magical theory and healing, he’d heard Sirius cry in a way that made him smaller than Remus ever thought he’d know. He’d only just gotten to the Potters’ this morning and already so much had happened. Remus definitely wasn’t sure he was ready for whatever was coming up for them, but he also knew that he needed to stay. He couldn’t explain the feeling tethered deep inside his stomach telling him that Sirius needed him. James was right, Sirius had recognized him, that was significant.

“You sure you’re okay?” Remus asked, giving James an out if he wanted his room back. Remus wouldn’t mind. He was used to spending nights with Sirius, but he wouldn’t tell James not to spend the night in here if that’s what he wanted.

“I’m fine.” James nodded. “I’ll shout if I need anything, promise.”

Remus didn’t argue any further. He wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep yet, but he didn’t know what to talk to James about any further. Today in general had just been…..a lot. The protection of James’s room was likely going to be helpful.

It was quiet in there. The busy walls and shelves that lined the opposing wall to James’s bed muffled the energy of the room. The light was warm and illuminating. Remus was surrounded by stuff, but he was alone. He sighed, he reminded himself that it was night time and he should try to sleep, but his mind wouldn’t really let him. Too much had happened today for him to settle down easily. Sirius’s face remained ingrained in his mind, the way his body shook and moaned and struggled to remain animated. Animation was Sirius’s specialty before, it was rare that Sirius wasn’t filled with life and vivacity. Now, it seemed to take all his effort just to stay upright.

Remus’s heart still beat heavy in his chest. His muscles were tight, his breathing heavy as he thought about it. His hands curled into fists, he had to remind himself to breathe to keep them from shaking. His hands shaking only reminded him of how much Sirius shook, how scared and out of control the other was. It was unfair. Not that Remus wasn’t familiar with the concept of unfairness, he’d been grappling with the concept his entire life. He’d accepted that life was unfair, he’d accepted that his life was unfair, that many lives were unfair. He even knew that Sirius’s life was unfair, the expectations he’d been taught to live up to, but this abuse was too much for Remus to bear.

He didn’t want to sneak out of the house, he didn’t know where he’d go, but despite being exhausted Remus was buzzing with energy. He paced. He walked from the window along the back corner of James’s wall to his dresser, sometimes he would turn and walk to the bedside table, sometimes he would turn back. He hoped the Potters weren’t downstairs below him, they’d definitely be able to hear him, they’d get tired of his pacing quickly. The pacing did little to calm Remus, all he could see was the hollow, terror stricken look on Sirius’s face.

Remus grabbed his cigarettes. He stuck his body halfway out the window to make sure the windows to Mr. & Mrs. Potter’s bedroom weren’t open downwind before he lit up. The rush that nicotine brought to his head did little to slow Remus’s heart but it helped put a bit of distance between his body and his mind. Just for a moment, his thoughts stilled slightly, they seemed just frantically farther away from this room.

Remus remembered how scared he felt when he realized that about Sirius’s family. He hadn’t realized that fighting was something a family could encourage, something that they would. His parents were much more subdued, they spent much of their life wanting to lay low and stay out of trouble. They took less risks, but they had less power than the Blacks did, they had more that they could lose. Did Sirius’s parents care about him at all?

He felt sick, but each wave of nausea was swallowed down. Anger burned throughout him, anger and sadness and shame.

After Sirius had told Remus’s secret, Remus had wanted to die. He hadn’t understood how he had trusted, how he had loved someone who would do that to him. He didn’t understand how he could ever trust again. He closed his heart off, he almost closed everybody out. James hadn’t let him, neither had his mum, but that hadn’t changed how poorly Remus felt for himself. He hated Sirius as much as he had hated himself. But even with all of this that Remus was going through, he had support.

Sirius had dealt with all of this alone.

Tears burned at Remus’s eyes. He hated to cry but he didn’t know what to do, he felt so helpless. He knew he was helping, but it was hard. He didn’t know what was wrong, or if things would get better. And if things got better, would they go back to being the same? Could they?

The cool evening air helped keep Remus’s head from spinning, but just barely. How the Potters had managed this for a full week, he didn’t know. Remus wanted to run, but he couldn’t. His curiosity and need to know how Sirius was doing was keeping him here. He wondered what went on in Sirius’s mind, he wondered if they were doing a good enough job of caring for him.

What was this heavy responsibility that weighed on Remus’s chest? Remus had loved Sirius. He had loved Sirius more than he had ever thought possible. To open his heart to somebody was no simple feat, and he knew it had been the same for Sirius too. There was significant danger in it, but Sirius had seen Remus so easily and for so long, it was hard not to love him. Even now, after he’d betrayed Remus and broken his heart, Remus was drawn back to him. It wasn’t fair, what happened to Sirius. It wasn’t fair, how much Remus’s heart hurt, how easily he would run back to Sirius. Fuck him, Remus thought, though he couldn’t possibly bring himself to be mad at the other right now.

Fuck me, Remus thought as he pulled himself away from the window and plopped himself down on James’s bed. It wasn’t too terribly late, 9:30 or so, Remus could try to go to sleep but he didn’t know how to get his mind to shut up. He didn’t even know what he was thinking half the time, it was just busy.

Remus didn’t know when he fell asleep exactly. He’d laid in bed for close to an hour before getting up and smoking another cigarette. He tried getting a glass of water and chugging that, he counted sheep into the hundreds. Eventually he fell asleep. When he dreamed, he dreamed of Sirius again.

When Remus woke with cold sweat along his brow, the sun had yet to rise. The image of Sirius’s rotting flesh and decaying face clung to the back of his eyelids, Remus had been having nightmares recently. It was usually Sirius who had the nightmares, Remus stayed up at night from pain. Save for bouts of illness and feverish nights, Remus didn’t have many bad dreams. That was, up until he heard that Sirius was seriously hurt. Every detail that James gave him made the dreams worse. They were all relatively similar, they all ended with Sirius disintegrating away in a series of iterations that got progressively worse.

It wasn’t real, Remus knew it wasn’t real. He was able to breathe, to remind himself of that. Sirius was real and he was alive. He was not unharmed, but he was not rotting or decaying. He had noticed Remus, he was able to communicate yes and no with some reliability. He was not a corpse rotting away, haunting Remus with his memory. He was a living person with a soul-one that may be tucked away deep inside himself, but one nonetheless. One that could be found again if they were lucky enough.

Remus didn’t fall back asleep. He looked out the window and watched the day get lighter, he counted the number of books on James’s shelves, he tried to read but his mind was too addled. Remus didn’t dare get up, not until he heard footsteps padding down the hallway and sneak downstairs. Dawn had barely started to turn the sky a light yellow, most of the daylight was stuck at a hazy purpleish grey. The footsteps came from the Potters’ bedroom, Remus knew he would be met by one of James’s parents, but he hadn’t yet learned the rhythm differences between their footsteps. Regardless, someone else was awake, Remus would have something else to do.

Fleamont Potter was puttering around his kitchen, his hair wildly standing in all directions much like his son’s and glasses crooked. A dusty moss colored house coat was wrapped around his middle, his blue striped pajama pants poking out below. He padded around in the dark, turning the stove top on to begin brewing his coffee. He jumped when he noticed Remus in the doorway, chuckling as he realized the shadow was simply his son’s friend.

“You surprised me.” Monty reported, his hand reaching for the light switch to turn the light over the stove top on. Both of them were better illuminated, the shadows from the night accentuating the hours neither of them found restful peace.

“Sorry” Remus replied. “You’re up early.”

“So are you.” Mr. Potter said honestly.

Remus shrugged. “Happens sometimes.”

Monty supposed it did. He nodded, accepting Remus’s answer well enough. “I take it you don’t plan on going back to sleep?”

Remus shook his head. “No, Sir.”

The other grunted. “Would you like some coffee?”

Remus nodded. “If it’s not too much trouble.”

Fleamont turned back to his work and made sure there was enough for two. The quiet business of the dark morning was a smooth adjustment into being awake. Remus shuffled towards the kitchen table and sat down. He was joined by Monty a few minutes later, who had stopped by one of the kitchen shelves and pulled out a small box from the table. Inside was a bag of loose tobacco and rolling papers.

“I hope you don’t mind.” Monty said as he took out a paper and began to fill it with tobacco.

Remus shook his head. He eyed it, he wanted one.

“Effie lets me smoke, but she doesn’t want me to do it around James. I suppose I probably shouldn’t do it around you either. Can I trust you won’t tell?”

Remus eyed the loose tobacco, he thought about the light dreamy feeling he could get with the head rush of nicotine. He liked the idea of separating himself from the gravity of the situation for a moment.

“I won’t tell.” Remus promised. He paused, hesitated for just a moment. “Can I have one?”

Fleamont paused. He considered his options, he looked at Remus. He hadn’t thought all the way through, it was too early for thought.

“I have a handful myself upstairs. Please don’t tell my mum. I won’t tell anybody about this one.”

Mr. Potter considered it for a few moments longer.

“Did you sleep last night?”

“Aye” Remus nodded, he shrugged. “For a while.”

Monty grunted again, but he let Remus have the cigarette.

The burn of the tobacco as the smoke hit the back of Remus’s throat was harsh. The coffee he’d refused to sugar was bitter. Remus took a deep breath as the cool morning air ran through his hair and brushed across his face. The lack of a filter left Remus’s lungs aching and his head spinning, the coffee grounded him back to reality. Both of them hurt in their own way, but both of them helped too. Remus wanted the pain, he deserved it. He didn’t think it was proper to let Sirius suffer alone, the small frequent bitter reminders helped keep Remus awake and remind him that he was real-that all of this was real.

Remus and Monty stood in the back garden and watched the sun rise together. For many minutes they didn’t speak, they simply enjoyed the calm, unbothered space around them. It was Remus who eventually broke the silence.

“Did you sleep last night?” He asked.

Monty smiled, he nodded. “Oh yes. I’m much too old for so many sleepless nights.”

Remus smiled politely. “It’s very early, though.”

Mr. Potter shrugged, he repeated the other’s words from earlier. “Happens sometimes.”

Remus chuckled a bit. He liked Mr. Potter, he liked their secret morning cigarette.

“Thank you.” Remus said after a moment.

Monty smiled back at him. “Of course.” He looked out at the sunrise and took a sip of his coffee. “I know you and Sirius were close. I can imagine you had quite a difficult day yesterday.”

Remus stilled. He thought about what Mr. Potter said, he looked down at his coffee, he shrugged. “What do you think happened to him?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know.” Fleamont admitted. “Nothing good.”

“He needs to see a doctor.” Remus said.

Monty hummed. He didn’t look back at Remus, but he could feel the other’s worry start to extend past himself.

“I agree with you.” some of the worry emanating form Remus subsided. “I’ll talk to Effie about writing to one today, see what they suggest.”

Remus felt reassured by that. It was nice to hear an adult agree with him, to want to get Sirius to a higher level of care. Remus felt less insane for suggesting it, for thinking that Sirius was sick enough to need a professional. He wondered what he would be diagnosed with, he wondered if they would be able to figure it out.

“Thank you” Remus said again. The two of them smiled at each other. They sat in silence for a bit longer, waiting until the sun was up.

The house didn’t stay quiet and asleep for long. Remus had helped himself to an apple and had started reading in the front room by the time Effie woke up and came downstairs. Mr. Potter had already started in on making another batch of potions Sirius was seeming to require somewhat frequently.

“Good morning, dear.” Effie said as she passed by the front room. Remus looked up from his book and smiled at Mrs. Potter.

“Good morning.”

“Did you get some sleep?”

Remus chuckled. “Yes. But when I’m up I’m up, woke up a bit early today.” He explained, trying to deflect any worry off of him. Worry should be reserved for Sirius. There was so much to worry about concerning Sirius.

Euphemia smiled softly, nodding at the other. “I’ll make chai, if my husband’s left me room on the stove.”

The two chuckled. Things were nearly normal for a moment, Remus savored that feeling.

When the batch of pain potion was finished, Remus ran a bottle of that and an anti-emetic up to the guest room. James began to stir as Remus placed the bottles on the nightstand.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Remus whispered to James.

“What time is it?” The other asked, stretching with his free arm towards the nightstand to find his glasses.

“You can sleep in a bit more. I want to shower first.”

James stuck his tongue out at the other, but stopped his hunt for his glasses and stretched and tried not to yawn. “Don’t use-” he yawned, “-all the good water.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but nodded. “No worries, mate.” He promised. “Your mum’s making breakfast, by the way.”

James smiled a lazy summer smile. “What’s she making?”

“No clue, but I imagine it will start smelling good soon.”

James nodded.

“Potions for Padfoot are on the nightstand.”

James hummed, he yawned. “Thank you, Moony.”

The shower was simple enough. James was more awake by the time Remus returned to the room to let him know he was finished and it was James’s turn. Managing to get James out of Sirius’s grasp was easier than they thought it would be, he still seemed to be pretty deep in sleep still. That was good, Remus supposed. If he was sleeping it was because he needed it. Still, Remus stayed close. He didn’t get in bed with Sirius while James went to shower, but he did sit and watch him sleep, make sure he was alright. Remus departed when James returned, needing to get dressed.

He went back to James’s room and brushed his hair. He read a few pages in his book, he looked out the window. Remus perked up when he heard Mrs. Potter calling from downstairs, letting the boys know breakfast was ready. Remus sighed and decided to return to James’s room. He knocked, waiting for the other’s cheery “Come in!”

Remus pushed the door open and peeked before coming in all the way. “You’re decent?” He asked before walking in.

“Oi, mate. I told you to rest!”

The wording from James coupled with the urgency in his voice worried Remus. The sight was amusing but concerning, Remus made his way to the bedside quickly. He could see the way Sirius stared at him, the way his arms reached out as if that’s who he was trying to get to. Once he was within arms length of Sirius he was being grabbed at. His cheeks were poked, his neck fondled, his shoulders and arms checked to make sure they were solid. Sirius’s gaze remained on Remus the entire time and Remus allowed it. He didn’t know what was going on through Sirius’s mind, but he stayed calm until Sirius did as well. The fact that Sirius seemed to be fixated on him worried Remus while also making him feel special. He seemed to still as Remus took his hand in his own.

“Good morning.” Remus murmured, finding a cool confidence that he could only muster around Sirius these days. “Did you sleep well?”

Sirius smiled at Remus and some of the damage his heart had taken yesterday was restored. Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand once, yes. Not only was he awake, he was cognizant and able to communicate, he was able to remember the system they established yesterday. This was progress, this was good.

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked, not realizing that his question didn’t have an easy yes or no answer for Sirius to respond with. He was getting ahead of himself, just excited that Sirius was awake, that he was lucid.

“He took both the anti-emetic and the pain potion.” James reported to Remus’s excitement. Maybe by having those in his system already, he would be set up for an even more successful day than the one before. Remus smiled, he squeezed Sirius’s hand.

“Mrs. Potter wanted you to know that she’s made breakfast.” Remus reported to the bunch. “Are either of you hungry?”

“I am!” James exclaimed. “Are we taking breakfast here?”

That was a good question. Remus had assumed so, if Sirius was going to be awake, but James opened up the possibility of something different. He wasn’t sure if Sirius could walk, but he knew from experience that too much time in bed left for sore muscles. A trip downstairs or outside might be good for Sirius. Even just a trip to James’s room instead could be beneficial. Remus figured he could try to leave it up to Sirius.

“Do you want to eat up here? Or do you want to go downstairs?” He shrugged.

Sirius didn’t answer but James filled the silence professionally. “What’s the weather like right now?”

It was a nice day, but Remus didn’t say that. It had been a while since he’d been outside and when he had been outside it was for secret reasons. For all anybody knew he hadn’t left the house yet. Remus leaned closer towards the window and lifted it up a bit. He stuck his hand outside, smiling at the morning breeze. He was surprised when Sirius came crashing into him, but helped the other upright without question.

“Some fresh air will help.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand. Remus smiled, a light blush starting to form at his cheeks. He looked over at Sirius with pride. Maybe Sirius could get better, maybe there was a hope and a chance for him.

“Let’s eat first before we try walking.” James agreed. “I’ll get our food, you make sure he doesn’t try and jump out of bed again.” James pointed towards Sirius knowingly.

“Is that what you were doing when I came in?” Remus asked curiously. He didn’t get an answer but he didn’t need one, he had a feeling Sirius would be just fine for him.

“Be good for Moony, now” James added before leaving.

Sirius was fine, but the moment James was gone he was reaching for the window. Is that why he had crashed into Remus a moment ago? Was he trying to get closer to the warm summer air?

“Do you want to sit closer to the window?” Remus asked after a moment of watching, wondering if that would be helpful, if it could keep Sirius from straining himself too much. Remus hummed when Sirius squeezed his hand yes and nodded. He began to help Sirius shuffle closer to the window, he moved pillows to cushion and support behind him, he continued to hold Sirius’s hand.

“Careful now” Remus said as Sirius stuck half his arm out the half drawn window. “Don’t fall out now.”

Sirius seemed calm, he seemed at peace. He showed almost as much excitement in the window as he did for Remus this morning. The wind touching his skin seemed to comfort him, a small peaceful smile spread across his face.

“The fresh air is nice, isn’t it?” Remus asked. Sirius didn’t squeeze his hand in response but he could tell by every bit of his disposition that Sirius agreed with the statement. Remus watched him a bit more, how he so hungrily drank in each ray of sunlight that kissed his skin, each breath of wind that graced him.

“You haven’t gotten much fresh air, have you?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand twice. No.

The damp, heavy heartbreak that Remus had become so familiar with crept back as he got a response from Sirius. He could tell from the pale composition of his skin that Sirius hadn’t gotten a lot of exposure to the sun while he was on summer holiday, but the confirmation from Sirius while he watched the boy so happily enjoying a half open window was painful.

“It’s nice.” Remus replied, though he wasn’t sure Sirius heard him. He’d stilled a bit, Remus wondered if he was consumed by his own sadness. Remus sure knew that he was, or was trying not to be. It was hard, when he didn’t know if he’d ever get his first love back. It was hard when things were so touch and go, when there was still so much they didn’t know.

“Breakfast!” Mrs. Potter called out as her and James approached the bedroom and pulled Remus and Sirius out of their heads.

The spread was large: fried eggs, toast, bacon, and beans for both James and Remus. The bed tray for Sirius was in Mrs. Potter’s hands, she had a bowl of porridge for him. Something easy to eat, something easy to keep down. Remus understood the logic. He hoped Sirius could try something today, he hoped he could keep it down.

“Thank you” Remus said to Mrs. Potter, taking a bite out of his bacon piece. It took him a few moments and many bites of his food to realize that the glazed over look in Sirius’s eyes had returned. Shit, Remus thought, he had gotten distracted. Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand.

“Sirius? Hey, are you with us?”

They watched Sirius blink, they watched him try to focus back on the reality in front of him. He watched Sirius look around at his tray, he watched Sirius look around the room, he watched Sirius settle once he’d found Remus’s face.

“Hi” Remus smiled as he realized Sirius was back in the present with them. “Were you hungry?”

The room could hear Sirius’s stomach growling. Everyone worried, nobody knew if they would be able to get Sirius to eat even though he so evidently needed to. They watched as Sirius looked down at his food, how he looked out the window, ignoring the idea.

“Why don’t you try a bite?” Mrs. Potter asked, patting Sirius’s knee. “You need to keep your strength up.”

Sirius didn’t react to her words. Remus, James, and Effie all looked a bit more worried as they watched Sirius ignore them. He needed to eat, they all knew it. Nobody really knew what to do, but they had to do something. Remus reached forward and took a bite of the warm cereal. He hummed, shrugging as he swallowed.

“Not bad.” He tried to convince the other. He didn’t think he was very convincing.

“Let me try!” James jumped in, trying to help influence Sirius into eating. Sirius didn’t even look at them, his gaze was firmly stuck on the outside world. Everyone tried not to deflate.

“I was thinking we could try and get you showered today?” Mrs. Potter asked. “That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Come back to fresh cotton sheets, new clothes?” Maybe a change would be nice.

“You’ll need help with that?” James asked, eager to help.

“I’ll need a pair of your swim trunks for him.” She replied.

Sirius’s stomach growled again, he squeezed Remus’s hand. Remus’s heart compressed anxiously in his chest. Was Sirius in pain? Were they not doing enough? Remus leaned in closer to Sirius, trying to pick up on what he needed.

Sirius turned his attention away from the outside. He turned towards Remus and smiled as he came back to reality. Remus watched as Sirius’s attention switched from Remus’s face to his plate multiple times.

“Do you want some?” Remus asked. If Sirius would eat off of Remus’s plate then his entire breakfast could be his. Sirius needed to eat much more than Remus did. When Remus wasn’t given a yes or no answer and was instead met with a confused look, Remus couldn’t help but feel himself soften. Remus looked down at the toast, he grabbed it and held it up towards Sirius’s mouth.

Sirius still looked confused, as if he was afraid of breaking some rule that didn’t exist. Remus nodded at Sirius, trying to encourage him. “Go on,” he urged. “try is. You’re allowed.”

The room relaxed as Sirius took a bite. They waited patiently as they watched Sirius chew and swallow.

“It’s good.” Remus whispered encouragements. He watched Sirius take a second bite, his heart felt like it was flying. He was eating. Two bites of toast was more than they managed yesterday, it was a sign towards progress. James was cheering him on as well, everyone was proud of Sirius in this moment.

Slowly Sirius stopped chewing, he closed his eyes, he took a deep breath. “All done?” Remus asked, waiting several seconds before putting the toast back down on the plate.

“Good job, mate!” James cheered. Perhaps it was too loud, or too much encouragement but Sirius turned away from them and back out towards the window.

“It’s there if you want more later.” Remus promised, trying to keep Sirius from floating back into his head again.

Sirius didn’t reply to their questions any further, he didn’t eat more breakfast when offered to him, but he didn’t seem to float back in his mind. Remus watched, the glassy fog didn’t reappear, Sirius seemed more than happy to be keeping his focus on the simple world outside. Remus and James finished their meals while talking about nothing important, Remus kept his hand in Sirius’s in case the other came back to their reality.

“I think now might be a good time for a wash. What do you think?” Mrs. Potter asked as their conversation began to slow down.

“Can he stand?” James asked, realizing it had been days since he’d been out of this bed.

“I can run a bath, that’s no issue.” Mrs. Potter replied.

“But can he walk?” James countered.

Remus wasn’t sure why James’s questioning frustrated Remus so much. Whatever it was Sirius needed, they would help him. James and Peter and Sirius helped him when he could barely walk, they made sure he stayed cleaned and dressed and fed after moons, why would Sirius’s current situation be any different?

“We can help him.” Remus promised quickly. “Besides,” he added, remembering what James had said earlier today. “Didn’t you say he was trying to run away from you this morning?”

“Well then, it’s settled.” Mrs. Potter replied. “I’ll go clean up these dishes, then I’ll be back and we’ll get you clean.” She patted Sirius’s knee before getting up and taking everyone’s dishes downstairs.

James and Remus spent a few minutes contemplating the logistics of getting Sirius to the bathroom. They discussed getting him standing, what might need to be supported, how aware he needed to be. They continued to talk as Mrs. Potter returned upstairs and started to get the bath ready. They asked Sirius if he was ready, but when James and Remus turned to Sirius they were met with glassy, hollow eyes.

“Sirius?” Remus asked, squeezing Sirius’s hand a few times. He held steady as he watched Sirius shake his head. His eyes fervently looked around until they had found Remus’s face and studied it. He squeezed Remus’s hand. Remus squeezed back.

“You alright?” He asked, wondering where Sirius had just been, how he was feeling now that he was back. Was he ready to stand? Was he ready to be bathed?

Sirius smiled though. It was a bit forced, Remus could tell, but who knew where in his mind he’d just come from? He was here now, he was back. Remus was taking that as a win.

“Okay, good. Should we try standing?”

James and Remus both worked Sirius’s arms around their shoulders. James asked Remus to count them down, but Remus disagreed and thought James should handle it.

“You do this with me every month” Remus argued. “You know how to do this better than I do.”

“No.” James countered. “Sirius leads every month because he notices the little details better. And you know all of the things to look for. You should lead this.”

Remus didn’t know how that piece of information made him feel. His stomach felt uneasy, knowing that it was Sirius’s job, that he was the one who was responsible for Remus’s care. That James thought Remus would be the best to do the same. He grumbled, they counted to three together.

Sirius grunted as they stood. Remus could imagine the way his legs felt, muscles torn to ribbons as they were forced to stretch and hold weight after days and days with no responsibility. Despite having taken a pain potion earlier, Remus could feel the way Sirius’s breathing was increased and rapid. Vertical was difficult after a week of being horizontal, but still it was necessary.

“Good.” Remus praised, proud that they’d gotten this far. “Good. Let’s just stand for a second.”

Sirius’s head lulled to the side, his eyelids three quarters of the way closed, only the whites of his eyes visible. Remus reminded himself to breathe evenly as he watched Sirius adjust to this transition. Across from him, James had much the same expression on his face. It was scary to see Sirius like this. His body was no less uncoordinated than on the few nights he managed to drink himself silly and needed help getting to the dorms, but his body was smaller now and Remus was constantly afraid that he was in pain.

They took it slowly. James and Remus stood upright for a few minutes before they tried walking. Walking was more like shuffling, but they only had to make it to the next room over.

“You look good upright” Euphemia Potter complimented Sirius as the boys shuffled him inside the bathroom. She then reminded James to grab his bathing suit so that she could charm a clothes swap and they could continue with the task at hand. James was quick to turn out towards his bedroom. Remus stayed, he hovered uncomfortably as Sirius was led to the sink and supported himself against it. He was managing, Remus could see that Sirius was managing. As precarious as it may feel, he was supporting himself.

“Go take a minute to yourself.” Mrs. Potter urged Remus. “Get ready for your trip tomorrow!”

Oh, yeah. Tomorrow they were supposed to go into London, meet up with their friends. Remus hesitated, but he didn’t argue with Mrs. Potter. He turned and headed back towards James’s room as well.

James had popped out to give a swimsuit to his mother before returning. Things were quiet for a bit. James sat at his desk, Remus sat on the bed.

“Did you sleep last night?” Remus asked.

James chuckled. “You sound like my parents.”

“They’ve both asked me today too.”

James nodded. “I did. He slept like a brick.”

“He’s awake today.”

“I know” James was smiling, so was Remus. He had a long way to go from being alright, but he was making progress. That made Remus happy, it made James happy too.

“He ate something.” Remus added.

“I know.” James was still smiling. Maybe things would be alright. Maybe there was hope.

There was a stomping down the hall, lopsided and uncoordinated. Both James and Remus’s heads turned towards it. A moment later, Sirius was bursting through the door and falling face first into James’s room.

James flinched as he watched Sirius fall. He turned away, not a fan of looking at the mess that was still Sirius’s back. Remus bit his lip as he took in the damage. He hadn’t looked at the wounds yet. They were still red around the edges, warm. The honey did well to fight off infection but Remus could tell it wasn’t enough. Sirius needed to see a doctor, Remus’s stomach churned with worry. He moved to where Sirius’s body lay.

“Sirius?” Remus checked.

“What happened?” James demanded from his mother who was trailing behind.

“I don’t know.” Mrs. Potter replied. “I was getting his bath ready, he looked scared, he jumped from my hand and ran.”

Remus frowned.

“Is he alright?” James asked, rushing to Sirius’s side as well.

Remus looked Sirius over. His eyes were open, they blinked slowly and weren’t the most responsive to him, but they were open. Sirius was breathing, he wasn’t flinching as Remus rolled him onto his side or ran his hand along his face, down his body. He checked Sirius’s shoulders, his elbow, his wrists. He poked at points on Sirius’s neck and didn’t see any signs of pain. Sirius gasped as his eyes made contact with Remus’s. Everyone jumped a bit, startled by it’s quickness.

“It’s alright.” Remus whispered, his hand brushing along Sirius’s cheek as he tried to still him. “You’re okay. You’re safe here.” Remus monitored Sirius for a few moments longer, he tried to grasp if Sirius was in pain.

“I think he’s okay.” Remus murmured. “Can we try and sit him up?”

Multiple hands moved to support Sirius’s body and help it into an upright position. They scooted everyone back until Sirius was resting against James’s bed. His eyes were glazed over and dull, he didn’t respond to his name or any of the questions the others around him tried to ask.

James brought a shirt over to Sirius, him and Remus helped dress him. James talked with his mother about what happened in more detail as Remus tried to talk to Sirius, to catch his eyes again. He was unsuccessful, but James was successful at getting his mother to give them some space.

Sirius leaned against Remus. His back ached, the stiffness of the floor made its way up Remus’s spine but he didn’t complain. James sat on the ground also, on the other side of Sirius for whenever he decided to flop the other direction. They sat in silence for a bit, but neither James nor Remus were fans of silence these days. They didn’t like getting too lost in their minds.

“What do you think happened?” Remus asked finally.

James thought through the question thoroughly. He didn’t really know, he didn’t have an answer but he did see a pattern. “Something with the bathroom upsets him.”

“What do you mean?” Remus replied.

James shrugged. “He had a nightmare one night. His nose started bleeding, he got scared and ran. Made it to the bathroom….then he just...dropped.”

Remus watched James shudder, he felt like shuddering too. That must have been the message about Sirius having a fear of blood, Remus didn’t like the imagery any more than he liked the crashing through the door that Sirius had done earlier.

“What do you think it could be?” Remus asked.

James shrugged. They sat in silence for a while before James broke the silence. “Water maybe?” He suggested.

Water could make sense, the idea hurt Remus’s heart ache, but the whole situation did.

“He was at the sink both times.” James added.

Remus hummed, he wondered what it could be.

“The mirrors maybe?”

It could be, they supposed. Whatever it was, it was making things difficult for them. Sirius did need to bathe eventually. They could test their theories about Sirius’s aversion, but that hardly seemed humane.

None of this felt particularly fair or humane. All of this felt like torture, though Remus felt bad for thinking that. He knew that watching Sirius struggle wasn’t nearly anything compared to what Sirius went through before he got here.

The silence was acidic. James and Remus could only sit in it for so long before it started to eat away at their patience like burns upon their souls.

“We should listen to something.” James proposed.

“Just not Queen.” Remus replied.

“Maybe it’ll wake him up again, unlock something inside him?” James proposed. Remus considered it, but he wasn’t sure he could handle it twice if Sirius didn’t. Remus shook his head. James complied, he chose Bowie instead. Mildly better.

It had been Remus who had introduced the boys to hopefully it wouldn’t be as emotionally charged as the previous record James had played for them. Still, that didn’t stop Remus from envisioning Sirius dancing along to the music.

Remus came back to, realizing that he was in James’s room and not their dorm as Starman started to play. It hurt in a strange way, knowing that his starman was laying in his arms, completely unrecognizable from the one who earned that nickname. Sirius twitched a few times during the song. Remus couldn’t tell if that was voluntary or not. Sirius stayed still during It Aint Easy, and Remus nearly forgot about the movement at all. Sirius had spent much of his time like a statue, it was likely just a fluke.

Lady Stardust was Sirius’s song. Whether he knew it or not, it was his song. There wasn’t a single time Remus had listened to that song without thinking about Sirius, and while Remus knew that David Bowie wrote it about another human being, Remus was unconvinced that the song hadn’t been written for Sirius himself. The reality that Remus may never see Sirius saunter around the room as he danced along to the music again, he might never see Sirius crack a joke so self deprecating and effortless that nobody but Remus heard the quiet part out loud, he might never see that lazy stupid smile that almost never failed at getting what it wanted, set in as the song played in the otherwise empty quiet surrounding them.

The band was almost all together. They were missing Peter. Remus felt bad about that for a moment, he wondered if James had filled Pete in on what was happening. Would it make a difference? Sirius was definitely far from alright. This music hurt, but at least he had Sirius to hold onto this time. At least he could remind himself that Sirius was real, he was here, he was sick but he was tangible.

And he was humming. Sirius Black was humming.

Sirius hummed along to the last three words, he almost got the tone pitches correct. Remus stared in astonishment, it took him halfway through the next verse to look over at James who was practically vibrating with excitement.

“Did he just?” James whispered. Remus nodded.

“So he heard?” James asked. Remus shrugged and nodded again.

Remus’s heart was racing, he had no idea what this meant but it felt hopeful. James and Remus sat awkwardly in its embrace, feeling scared and excited and confused. They didn’t know what this meant. The two of them watched Sirius closely until the album was finished. When the record stopped playing, James went to put it away before hesitating.

“Should we try this side again?” He asked quietly.

Remus was confused at first. He watched James’s hesitation but didn’t understand it. When James picked up on Remus’s confusion, he continued to explain.

“See if he sings to us again!” James exclaimed in a whisper.

Remus looked down at Sirius. He didn’t look very present, but he wasn’t completely asleep. Remus tried getting his attention, he spoke Sirius’s name several times, he poked the other, he caressed his face. No response. Remus tried not to embrace his disappointment or let it show.

James played that side again. When it didn’t produce the same results, they tried listening to the whole record through instead of just side two. When that didn’t work, they tried it one more time.

“I think we should take him outside.” Remus said abruptly. James was standing at his record player when Remus said it, he turned to his friend and looked down at him, confused.

“Right now?”

“Today” Lupin replied. “Fresh air might do some good.”

James paused and thought about it. The mechanics weren’t the easiest, the stairway was only so wide, but they could certainly figure it out. Remus had a point, fresh air might do them some good. The two of them spent a while discussing logistics, trying to get Sirius to reply to them, and creating an actual play for how they would get Sirius downstairs.

Sirius’s feet shuffled, but they didn’t pick up consistently. The two of them decided that the safest route was for Remus to go down in front of them sideways, ready to help Sirius if he keeled forward, which would be the most dangerous way to fall. James would keep hold of him around his better side and help inch him down the stairs. They had both hoped that Sirius would regain consciousness, but managed to get him downstairs regardless.

“You boys have good timing.” Mr. Potter said as he found the three of them shuffling down the hall. “I was just about to come up and ask if you were hungry for some lunch.”

“Oh.” Remus replied quickly. He hadn’t even thought about food. He’d been so worried, he’d forgotten to be hungry, but Sirius hadn’t eaten much at all today. Maybe they should try lunch.

Lunch wasn’t anything fancy: soup and bread that would last them a few days at least. It had been simmering for a while, Remus guessed. It was good, filling and well seasoned, made with love. Everyone tried to coax Sirius into eating. Remus tried offering him his own food again. Sirius didn’t eat, but they were able to coax him to take a few drops of nutrition potion. Not nearly enough to count as a whole meal, but whatever they could get to him would be helpful, even if just a few drops. Everyone tried not to worry outwardly too much, lest they all feed off each other. Remus kicked James under the table to get his attention.

“Outside?” He asked.

James, looking as though he had forgotten, nodded. Getting Sirius back up was a bit of a chore, Remus’s hip was starting to ache at the repetitive up and down but it was a nice day out, hopefully once they were outside they could stay outside for a while. Once they felt Sirius had stood and acclimated well enough, the two boys headed outside to their spot behind the back garden wall.

Remus didn’t have his cigarettes this time, but that was fine. He dug his fingers into the grass and felt the dirt, he looked up at the sky and watched the clouds pass by, he felt the sun when the sun would grace them with its presence. Outside the three of them stayed for a long time. James and Remus talked about school, they talked about their friends, they talked about Peter, they talked about the trip they were both supposed to take tomorrow.

“Maybe I should write Peter tonight and let him know what’s going on.” James pondered

“He deserves to know.” Remus agreed.

“But do we want him to know right now?”

“Why wouldn’t we?” Remus asked. “Any longer and he’ll be mad we didn’t tell him.”

“And what is he going to tell everyone else?” James replied. “Do we really want to air out his personal business like that?”

He had no problem airing out mine, Remus thought with a sour taste in the back of his throat. He bit his tongue, trying not to remember how much that still hurt. An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind, Remus reminded himself. Besides, the person sitting next to him was hardly a person, let alone one who could defend themselves. James was right, it didn’t feel good.

“Can’t we just tell him to tell them that I got you sick or something?” Remus asked.

James shrugged. “I guess we could…”

Both of them were grieving the day they were supposed to have tomorrow, neither of them could fathom leaving Sirius behind and they knew taking him along wasn’t an option. They sat in silence for a while longer. They watched the clouds, they felt the grass, they sat still as the world went by.

Their silence was broken by sliced mangoes and dad jokes. Mr. Potter had a certain light-heartedness to him today that Effie hadn’t managed to summon, smiling at the three boys as he approached them.

“You three holding up?” He asked as he passed the plate of mango to his son.

“Yeah” James replied, taking a slice before passing the plate to Remus.

“You lot look stiff as scarecrows.” Monty observed. When nobody replied, he decided to keep the conversation going with a joke. “Speaking of, why did the scarecrow get a promotion?”

James groaned, not because he didn’t appreciate the humor, but because he’d heard this one before.

“Why?” Remus dared to bite.

“Because he was outstanding in his field!” Monty paused a bit between the out and the standing part of outstanding to emphasize the punchline, Remus had to smile at the effort he gave.

“Suppose we deserve a promotion, then.” Remus replied.

“Suppose you do.” Mr. Potter agreed with him. “Which is a bit why I’m out here.”

“You’re going to give us money?” James replied brightly.

“No” Monty chuckled. “But I am going to insist you both go visit your friends tomorrow.”

“Remus is going.” James replied.

“I never said that.” Remus retorted.

“You two should go, Mrs. Potter and I will look after Sirius.”

“No!” James exclaimed.

“James” Monty warned. “I know you’re very invested in this, but-”

“I’m not going.” James replied. “I’m not leaving him with you two.”

“You say that as if we’re incapable of caring for him.”

“I don’t want to go!”

Mr. Potter sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose. The light energy he’d brought to them only moments ago was fading quickly, though it wasn’t his fault. James was weighing him down.

“You need to get out of this house. Your mother and I will take care of Sirius, everything will be fine.”

James growled like he wanted to say something but was holding his tongue because he knew he’d get in trouble. It wasn’t a skill he expressed often, whatever was bothering him must be big, must be inappropriate.

Monty clicked his tongue and began to turn back towards the house. James looked at Remus, then he looked back at his father. James ran to catch up to Monty. Remus didn’t hear the rest of their conversation, but he caught the beginning of James’s argument.

“Absolutely nothing is fine! You expect me to parade around like everything’s fine tomorrow when this is what I’ll come home to?”

Remus sat with Sirius outside for a long while. He wasn’t sure how long James’s argument went on with his father, he wasn’t sure what the results of it were. James didn’t come back for a long while, but Remus didn’t mind too much. Sirius still sat quietly, vacant but not afraid. Remus hoped the fresh air helped, he hoped that some sunshine helped. He tried to offer Sirius a mango but the other didn’t budge at the offer. Remus tried not to worry. He took a deep breath, he dug his fingers in the dirt, he watched the clouds drift along in the sky.

“Let’s make a deal.” James said, appearing from over the small stone wall at the back of the garden and pulling Remus out of his mind.

Remus blinked up at James and hummed. “About what?” He asked.

“One of us stays behind with him, the other one goes out tomorrow.”

Remus sighed.

“It’s the best deal I could manage to make with my parents.”

James hopped the wall and landed on the ground next to Sirius. If Sirius noticed, he only expressed it with the slightest twitch of his eye.

“You should go tomorrow.” James suggested to Remus.

Remus shook his head. Although he had errands he wanted to run, he didn’t want to leave Sirius. This seemed more important, he was worried about what would happen if he left.

“You should!” James urged.

“If anyone deserves the break, it’s you.” Remus replied.

There was a slight pause where James may have actually considered Remus’s point. “Nah, it’s fine. James dismissed. He paused as he thought about his mum for a moment. “Mum’s written to a healer. We’re going to see if they can visit him….give us more information.”

Remus visibly relaxed at the news. He knew he had been holding tension in his body, but he hadn’t realized how much could be released at the mere confirmation that a healer was getting involved.

“If they can come tomorrow, I’ll stay with him. You go as planned.”

Remus wasn’t entirely convinced. While he did appreciate James’s offer, and he didn’t want to sound conceited, but Remus had noticed that Sirius looked for Remus more than he looked for James. He’d been looking for Remus this morning, it was Remus he was leaning against right now. Like James had said when he first got here, Sirius had recognized him, and he had continued to recognize Remus throughout today. Remus felt needed here.

Besides, James did need a break. As he had also pointed out to Remus, James had been the one taking care of Sirius all week while he was more or less comatose. Remus hesitated as he responded, but he was firm in his position.

“Like I said, if anyone deserves a break, it’s you.”

James did not agree. The two of them continued in their circular logic many times over before James eventually grew bored of it.

“Remus, don’t argue with me or I will kick you out of my house tomorrow.”

Remus laughed, and while he knew James did technically have that power he knew that James wouldn’t. He was about to reply to his friend when he heard Sirius grunt. Remus’s attention focused in on nothing but Sirius. He watched as the other struggled, he blinked and did his best to pull himself back into reality. He met Remus’s eyes, but only for a moment.

“Hi” Remus hummed, noticing the glazed over look return. No, thought. He grabbed Sirius’s cheek, he tried to meet his eyes. “Hey, are you with us? Sirius?”

There was no response. After several seconds Remus watched as Sirius closed his eyes. His heart hurt, Remus realized, as he recognized that he was scared that Sirius was going to fall asleep again. He was worried it would be days more before he saw Sirius’s eyes. Sirius had woken up today, he hadn’t been the most lucid but he’d been awake for almost the whole day. Of course Remus would forgive him for being tired, of course he would forgive Sirius for needing to rest, but how dare he scare Remus with whatever that moment was. Sirius had always been dramatic, though. Remus supposed some things didn’t change.

“Is he awake?” James asked, noticing the grief stricken expression his friend was wearing.

“I don’t know.” Remus replied.

“Do you think he’s in pain?”

“I don’t know!” Remus answered again, more brash than he meant it, angrier than he should have let on. He didn’t want to feel scared, not after spending all day feeling so hopeful. Remus thought he was helping, he was trying to help, but as Sirius lay against him motionless Remus wondered the same question he knew James was also struggling with. Remus didn’t know if he would be enough.

“Why don’t you give me a turn with him?” James asked, getting Remus’s attention as he sat on the opposite side of their statuesque friend.

Remus was slow to move, but James’s idea was a good one. Gently, Remus started to lean to the side, pushing Sirius from his shoulder to James’s. He made sure Sirius’s arms were tucked safely against him or James, he made sure his head was supported as it fell onto James’s shoulder. Then, once he no longer was in charge of supporting Sirius’s weight, Remus stretched.

His bones cracked and stretched into place in a painfully satisfying way. Remus hadn’t realized how stiff he’d allowed himself to get until James had released him from his position. He wondered how stiff Sirius must feel. He’d been in one position for essentially a whole week. Poor thing, really. The whole scenario was quite sad. Remus tried not to think about that too hard.

The sun shone, the wind blew, the dirt stayed solid under their feet.

“If you go tomorrow, you’ve got to put a good word in with Lily for me.” James said, trying to bring some normalcy back into the moment.

Remus chuckled. “Sure. And if you go tomorrow, I’ve got an errand I need you to run.”

“Oooh,” James cooed, intrigued “A secret errand?”

“Well I’d rather you not go parading around about it.”

“Are you embarrassed?”

“No, but you’d be an idiot to do so.” Remus retorted.

“More than usual?” James asked with a smile.

Remus smiled back. James was good at lifting the moment, even as Sirius lay practically motionless against him.

“Moderately.”

“Why?” James asked.

“Say you’ll go tomorrow and I’ll tell you.”

James pursed his lips as he considered Remus’s offer. “You drive a hard bargain, Lupin.”

Remus arched his eyebrow curiously “Is that a yes?”

“It’s a maybe.”

Remus huffed. He wanted a cigarette, but he knew now wasn’t the time for one. He’d keep wanting one the longer he stayed outside, though. They’d been outside all afternoon, practically. His joints were stiff, he needed to move.

“Let’s go inside.” Remus suggested, his head nodding back towards the house.

“Right now?” James asked.

“We’ve been outside all day.” Remus replied.

James sighed, but he didn’t argue much. “All the way upstairs?”

Remus considered the question. “No. Maybe he’ll want to join everyone for dinner.”

Getting Sirius up and moving was awkward and clunky, but his eyes opened as they stood. Remus was afraid that standing had hurt him, he did his best to assess for other symptoms but it was difficult to tell. Sirius was closer to being awake as they moved, he was less hollow and more vacant, his eyes able to track what was in front of him but his mind unable to put meaning towards much of it.

“There you go.” Remus reassured the other as him and James tried getting Sirius into a chair at the kitchen table. Both Remus and Sirius were a bit stiff, and coordinating balance and precision was a task mainly left to James to try and accomplish. Sirius crashed into the chair but he didn’t seem harmed. Both James and Remus did their best to catch him, James pushed the chair in closer to the table.

“We’ll just sit here a while, hmm?”

James walked around to the other side of the table while Mrs. Potter made her way around the kitchen, getting her ingredients ready for a meal. Remus kept careful eyes on Sirius. His constitution seemed stable enough, but his hands trembled. Remus took Sirius’s left hand in his and lifted it to the table. One of his hands cushioned and stabilized the appendage, turning Sirius’s hand palm upwards while a second hand smoothed over the pale skin.

“We’ll sit for a while and keep Mrs. Potter company.” Remus told Sirius. He wasn’t sure how much the other could understand of him, but Remus hoped that it could help. For the very least, he hoped he could get Sirius cognizant enough to get him to eat.

The more information the better when uncertain how much was being retained, Remus thought. He continued on, filling the silence by narrating what Mrs. Potter was doing. “She’s just started cutting up some onions for tonight’s dinner. “

Remus did his best to name everything he saw. James caught on and began filling in the pieces Remus didn’t pick up on. James did his best to keep a smile on his face while they sat and watched, but Remus could see how frequently he checked on Sirius out of the corners of his vision, he could see the way James’s foot tapped impatiently under the table. He didn’t say anything about it because there was nothing to say. Remus felt equally as anxious inside, but he’d sat down next to Sirius, he needed to be the calm one.

“If you get hungry or need anything, just let me know.” Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand to let him know he was there, that Sirius could squeeze back if he wanted to.

Sirius’s hand stayed still underneath Remus’s. He watched it, trying to hold back from expectation. At first it was just a twitch of his finger, but slowly Sirius’s hand curled upwards and around Remus’s. It wasn’t tight enough to really be a squeeze, but Remus believed that had to have taken tremendous effort on Sirius’s behalf.

“Very good, Sirius.” Remus praised. “Good job.”

James and Remus continued to narrate the activity in the kitchen. Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand periodically, trying to remind him that he was here. Sirius didn’t show much more signs of awareness as they continued on, but Remus and James remained hopeful. For many minutes Sirius remained relatively statuesque at the kitchen table. Slowly, Remus felt Sirius’s fingers twitch. He saw the way Sirius’s eye twitched, his face snapped into a frown. Remus felt Sirius squeeze his hand.

“Good, good. Hi.” Good might not have been the best word choice, but Remus was proud of Sirius for moving his hands in such a way again. He was concerned for Sirius, though, of course he was. It felt like all Remus worried about was if Sirius was in pain. “Are you in pain?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand once. Yes.

“He’s in pain.” Remus reported to the table. James stood up dutifully and made his way to the bakers rack his father used as a potions cupboard. James’s fingers ran over the labels until he found pain potions. He grabbed one small vial and returned it to the table.

Remus couldn’t help but be grateful for James. He smiled at his friend as he spoke his thanks.

“This is a pain potion.” Remus said as he held the bottle up to Sirius’s eye line and shook it around to gain Sirius’s attention. “If I help, will you take it?”

Remus watched Sirius’s face as his eyes searched over the bottle, tracing their way along Remus’s fingers and jumping to the other’s nose. Remus watched as Sirius’s vision flitted around until they finally found Remus’s eyes. Sirius’s lips twitched into a smile before his lips parted and he allowed Remus to help him take the drink.

Pain potions took less than sixty seconds to take effect. The average onset of pain relief was around thirty two seconds, but could be as quick as ten seconds. Twenty seven seconds after Sirius took his potion, his grip loosened and his face relaxed. Thirty seconds after taking his potion, Sirius’s eyes looked ahead and focused in on Mrs. Potter. If others around him were talking, Sirius was unaware. Remus watched as Sirius focused in on her, definitively her. His irises tracked her movement, his breathing steadied to the rhythm of her step. Remus wondered if Effie Potter’s presence was simply magical, or if Sirius knew what he was tracking. Remus heard Sirius’s stomach growl, he gave the other’s hand a squeeze.

Sirius’s attention only broke from Mrs. Potter’s movements when Monty and James began transforming the table from a 4 top to one that could hold six or more if they were strategic. Remus whisper narrated what everyone was doing while Sirius watched, Remus monitored to try and guess what Sirius was feeling. He wasn’t successful in it, but it kept him entertained while the Potters plated dinner.

“Thank you, Mrs. Potter.” Remus said as his meal was brought to him.

“Thank you, Mum.” James said as he sat in his seat.

“You’re welcome boys.” Mrs. Potter replied.

Remus waited until the Potters had taken their first bites. He waited, in part, to see if Sirius would do anything. He should have known not to expect so much, it would have kept his heart from hurting a bit as Sirius remained still. Remus took a deep breath and moved on. He took a bite of his dinner, it was delicious.

Sirius was eyeing the food, Remus noticed after a while. He hadn’t drifted off into his head again, he was looking at the food as if waiting for permission to eat. Remus’s stomach felt less settled after making that realization.

“Do you want to try?” Remus asked, almost impulsively, before bringing his spoon up to Sirius’s mouth. Remus could hear Sirius’s stomach growl. It sounded as if it was trying to eat itself alive, or claw itself out of Sirius’s skin. “Try a bite, it’s good.”

To the table’s delight, Sirius obliged and opened his mouth to Remus’s spoonful. He was slow to chew and swallow, but his lips perked up into a smile and he opened his mouth for more not long after. Sirius was slow to eat, he managed six or seven bites in the time it took everyone else to finish their helpings but nobody minded. Remus would sit at this table until midnight if it meant Sirius would keep eating and he was willing to bet the other members of the table felt similarly.

Six or seven bites was all Sirius had in him, though. It was something to be proud of, Remus thought. It was the most he’d seen or heard of Sirius eating at a time since he’d gotten here. Sirius’s eyes were half lidded by the time they figured he was finished eating. He was yawning, his head almost looked too heavy to be upright any further.

“It’s been a big day.” Monty observed, giving everyone permission to move from the table and get on with their night. Remus and James and Effie all agreed. Remus took a moment, he took a deep breath and sighed. So much had happened today, but in fragmented moments suspended by long periods of time doing nothing but waiting and worrying.

Remus looked over at Sirius, who looked half asleep already, and squeezed his hand. “We should get ready for bed.”

James got up from his seat first. He helped scoot Sirius’s chair out from the table and helped Sirius up with Remus’s assistance. The three of them shuffled to the stairs. They assumed a similar position from when they came down earlier today, though on the way up Remus stayed behind Sirius and James to help Sirius pick up his feet when he needed help.

James sat on the edge of the bed with Sirius while Remus gathered and arranged all the pillows. Remus went to James’s room and collected his things, changed into pajamas, he returned with another shirt for Sirius if he wanted one. The two of them tried getting Sirius comfortable. It was difficult to tell what was and what wasn’t. Sirius didn’t show any signs of distress, though, so they assumed they had done an alright job. Remus slipped in next to Sirius while James got ready for bed. By the time James had returned, Sirius was nearly asleep and leaning over Remus.

“I’ll stay with him tonight.” Remus said quietly.

“You sure?” James asked.

Remus nodded. “It’s only fair.”

James hesitated, but he didn’t argue. His own bed would be nice. Remus was already cozied up with Sirius anyway.

“Are you going to stay up for a bit?” James asked. Remus wasn’t sure if this was because James wanted to stay with them a while longer or not.

“Not sure. Might read a while.”

“I’ll bring you your book?”

Remus sighed and nodded. James returned a bit later with Remus’s book and one for himself. He sat on the floor in his spot next to Sirius’s bed and read along with Remus while Sirius slept next to them. Things were nearly normal.

“My head hurts.” James complained after a while. His eyes were strained, the day had been long.

“Go to sleep.” Remus urged, his face hidden behind his book as he tried hard to absorb himself into it.

“Are you going to sleep?” James asked.

“After this chapter. If your head hurts, James, don’t make it worse by staying up any longer.” Remus knew his logic was sound when James didn’t try to argue him any further.

“Goodnight, Remus.”

“Goodnight, James.”

The next knock on the door had not been from James, but form Effie maybe half an hour later. Remus didn’t call out in response, but that didn’t stop her from peeking in.

“Everything alright?” She asked.

“Just fine” Remus answered.

“I’m going to bed now, do you need anything?”

Remus smiled, he shook his head. “No, we’re fine. Goodnight Mrs. Potter. Thank you again for dinner.”

The door closed again. Remus’s body was tired, but he wasn’t ready for sleep just yet. His mind continued to wander, he worried about Sirius. Remus looked down at the other, his face pressed against Remus’s chest and arm wrapped around his torso. If Remus didn’t look too closely, Sirius almost looked like he usually after one too many muggle fairy tales.

Remus had fallen in love with Sirius in the hours under the moonlight.

There was a knock at the door again a while later. James opened the door and crept in, moving towards the bed.

“Mum got a reply.”

Remus hummed a tired old grunt. It took him a moment to piece together what James meant. He’d almost forgotten that they had written a healer. “What did it say?”

“He’s to come to St. Mungo’s tomorrow for an examination.”

Remus didn’t like the sound of that. A home visit could be an examination, but a trip to St. Mungo’s meant tests. Remus should have known that, but the news of the recommendation still hurt all the same.

“Did they say what they think might be wrong?”

James frowned, he shook his head. He didn’t like not having answers either. “They said it sounds complex. They want a few specialists to look at him.”

Remus matched James’s expression. They stood in silence for a while.

“I should go with him tomorrow” Remus argued.

“No. No, you hate hospitals!” James countered quickly and twice as heated.

“Sure, yeah. But I have more experience in them.”

James frowned at his friend, he growled. He paused, sliding back to his room before returning.

“Heads or tails?” James asked.

So this is how they were doing it. Remus shrugged as James flipped the coin.

“Tails.”

James caught the coin and slapped it down on the back of his hand. He lifted his other hand slowly and let his grin spread as he took in the results.

Heads: Remus Lupin would be going into London tomorrow, James would be staying with Sirius.

Getting to sleep knowing that he wouldn’t be staying with Sirius tomorrow was difficult for Remus. He knew that he was going to worry about Sirius while he was out, he’d struggle with having a good time, he’d worry about what the prognosis was going to be and knowing that he was going to worry only worried Remus more. He had tonight, Remus supposed. Sirius had fallen asleep on him, he would at least get to spend the night wishing him a good day tomorrow.

At some point Remus had fallen asleep, his face pressed against Sirius’s hair. It wasn’t terribly comfortable for his neck, but Remus only realized this long after he was woken up from his slumber. He wasn’t sure what woke him first, the head he had been using as a pillow suddenly flying up and away from him or the scream that came from Sirius’s mouth.

Remus shot upright, quickly following Sirius’s lead. He wasn’t yet awake enough to understand what had happened, but his heart was racing knowing that this was some sort of emergency. He could feel the body next to him shudder and heave. There was a splash of something, had Sirius been sick? Remus reached for the light on the bedside, switching it on just as James burst into the room.

“What happened?” James asked.

Remus turned back towards Sirius just as he retched and vomited into his lap a second time. “Oh, fuck.”

James was quick to mobilize. He was at their bedside, carefully pulling back the quilt to contain the mess. Remus checked Sirius’s temperature, he checked his pulse, he tried to get Sirius to respond to him, he looked for any more signs of distress or illness. As the bed sheets were pulled back, Remus and James discovered that not only had Sirius been ill, but he had also wet himself while in the throws of his nightmare. His poor, sick, Sirius. Remus wondered what had happened in Sirius’s dream to upset him so.

“I’ll take care of the sheets.” James said.

Remus nodded, there was a silent understanding. “I’ll run a bath.”

“Do you need help walking him?”

That was a good question. He supposed he didn’t know, he wasn’t too sure how capable Sirius was right now. “Help us up.”

Sirius wasn’t the steadiest on his feet, but after a bit of adjusting, him and Remus were able to make it well enough. Keeping him moving reduced the shaking, it kept both of them busy. Sirius whined as they moved, but Remus didn’t let it break him. He shushed the other, he encouraged him, he promised Sirius it would be alright. They were slow, they were careful, they eventually made it down the hall and into the bathroom. Remus thought about his conversation with James from earlier today. Something in this bathroom had upset Sirius. If it was water, they would find out when Remus turned the tap on. If it was mirrors….maybe it was best to keep him away for now.

“Good. Keep looking down at your feet. Few more steps then you can sit, it’s alright.”

For the first time since waking, Sirius seemed to notice Remus talking to him. He heard Sirius grunt, he saw the other’s head start to swivel towards Remus.

“Keep looking at your feet.” Remus reminded, his head blocking most of the mirror’s view. “Almost there.”

Sirius plopped onto the toilet much like he did the chair in the kitchen earlier. He didn’t fall, which Remus found remarkable. As soon as he was certain Sirius could maintain his balance, Remus turned to run the tap, beginning to adjust the temperature.

“You’re doing great, Sirius.” He encouraged. All he could do was encourage, to bite his tongue and try to keep his voice light. Keep busy with the work at hand: keep Sirius safe, keep Sirius clean. When the tap was at an appropriate temperature, Remus turned back to Sirius. He studied his face, his body language, the way he breathed. Sirius was scared, Remus could tell. He wondered what sorts of thoughts Sirius was fighting right now.

“I’m going to help you out of your pajamas, alright?” Remus’s hand rubbed gently across Sirius’s knee, trying to incorporate more sensations for Sirius to hold onto. His knees pressed onto the bathmat as he looked up at Sirius, his muscles tense and anxious for any sort of response. Sirius’s eyes were clouded over, but his irises were moving, he was trying. Remus watched as Sirius’s eyes found Remus’s hands, as they tried to trace up his arms and around his face. It took a minute before Sirius found Remus’s eyes but that was alright, Remus appreciated the moment of pause. He’d been nothing but action until now and while action still needed to happen tonight, Remus needed a moment of stillness just as much as Sirius did.

“Hi.” Remus whispered, feeling anxious and excited and sad all at the same time. “You’re alright. We’re going to take a quick shower, okay?”

Sirius’s hands moved slowly, they reached up until they were at Remus’s neck. Remus hesitated for a moment, wondering Sirius’s intent. Sirius’s fingers weren’t strong enough to do damage, though. The anxious trembling of his fingers didn’t hold malice, they traced shaky lines across Remus’s neck, they wandered up his chin and cupped his cheeks. Sirius looked into Remus’s eyes with new clarity and he began to crumble.

“It’s me.” Remus promised, his hand wandering up to cover one of Sirius’s. “In the flesh.” He didn’t know why he said that. Remus thought it sounded stupid the second it left his mouth but it didn’t turn Sirius away. Sirius began crying even harder, and Remus quickly had to catch the other. Bony arms slipped around Remus’s torso and up his back and clung tightly to him. Remus wasn’t sure if his heart or his ribs hurt more in that moment.

“Shhhh, hey. It’s okay.” Remus’s arms wrapped around Sirius instinctively. One held him steady around the middle, the other climbed up his back and scratched at his scalp in a way that was instinctual after a nightmare. “It was just a dream. A horrible, nasty little lie. It wasn’t real.”

The grip that Sirius had on Remus got tighter, just for a moment. “Right.” Remus praised. “It wasn’t real. But I’m real. You’re real. You know because you can feel me, right?”

Sirius’s grip didn’t loosen, his shuttering breaths tickled Remus’s clavicle while each sob shook the world around them. “This is real” Remus whispered a few more times. “You are safe and this is real. It’s okay.”

Remus shushed Sirius. It was more of a breathing exercise for Remus than anything else, though. This hurt so much. Remus was used to nightmares, he’d seen so many iterations of them but these nights had never hurt as much as tonight did. Remus wasn’t sure his lungs would inflate if he didn’t do it with effortful determination and the conscious intention of doing it to produce a “shhhhh” for Sirius to calm himself to.

Eventually things evened. Remus felt strong enough to try standing and Sirius seemed still enough to cooperate. They were slow, Remus had to grit his teeth to keep stamina, and they needed to stand in place for a minute once they were upright but they managed.

“Good. Good job, Sirius.” He got to undressing the two of them, which was a slow and complicated process. Sirius was difficult to peel away from him, he whined when Remus tried to get his shirt off from over his head. He cried out and grabbed Remus’s waist as Remus let go of their embrace to peel his shirt off. Remus had to be his most patient and gentle self with Sirius. Remus had never seen him like this, quite so strung out and scared. He’d never seen Sirius so dependent on his presence before.

Remus felt weird. His stomach churned but not in the typical nauseous way he knew was anxiety. He felt both solid and weightless and he wondered in the back of his mind what he was really doing. He knew that this was real, he was preaching it to Sirius with conviction but none of this felt like it was real. It didn’t feel like a prank either, it just felt…..fake. How could Sirius be so sick, how could Remus continue caring for him like this, he couldn’t actually stay this way, could he?

Everything felt numb and distant as Remus climbed into the tub. He’d positioned the shower head so that it was a bit more downward, so that it wouldn’t spray on Sirius’s back as soon as he stepped in. Carefully, Remus coaxed Sirius to raise his foot high enough to step over the tubs edge. He steadied Sirius as he got halfway in, then helped stabilize him as he lift his other foot over. Sirius fell back into Remus’s embrace, his arms wrapped tightly around the other and his head resting against Remus’s shoulder. Remus stood for several seconds, making sure he could help support Sirius’s weight and that Sirius could support himself enough to stand with some assistance.

Sirius flinched as the water dripped down his back. Remus was quick to shush him.

“I’ve got you. You’re alright.”

Remus was careful, and he was a bit slow, but he tried to be quick. Neither of them had much stamina, but Sirius desperately needed a shower. He shushed Sirius as he shampooed his hair, hummed as he washed Sirius’s body, and rocked him as he held Sirius under the warm water. Remus could feel Sirius’s breaths against his neck and it hurt. It hurt because he remembered. He remembered Sirius’s breath in that spot before he kissed it, floating effortlessly above him in the prefects bath. He remembered Sirius’s breath against his neck as he danced a little too close after a few too many drinks at a Gryffindor party. He remembered Sirius’s breath against his neck as he settled against Remus after a nightmare, or curled against him as Padfoot after the moons.

Remembering hurt. Remus did his best to push it aside as he focused on the task at hand.

By the time they were finished with their shower, there was a set of towels sitting on the toilet seat. Remus moved all but one of them to the sink, taking the other and wrapping it around Sirius’s waist before sitting him down on the toilet again. Remus grabbed a second towel and dried himself off, wrapping it around his waist before returning to Sirius.

He was shaking, Remus felt guilty for the way Sirius shook. He grabbed another towel, wrapping it gently around Sirius’s shoulders. “Very good.” Remus praised, trying to keep Sirius calm. Sirius’s hand reached out to catch Remus’s arm. He clung to it with a surprising strength. The message was clear, Remus was to stay close.

James returned a moment later, knocking before entering and bringing pajamas for them.

“How is he?” James asked, hovering before leaving.

“Clean.” That’s about all he could report. Remus didn’t like the way Sirius flinched at the word, but he hoped it meant Sirius was cognizant of his voice. It was difficult to tell how aware of his surroundings Sirius was.

“So is the bedroom. New sheets, new blankets.” James replied after a few moments of silence.

Remus nodded. He didn’t get a chance to say thank you before James was gone.

Getting dressed was another challenge, but he managed to figure it out. So long as Sirius had a part of him touching Remus he seemed to be satiated. Remus could work with that. Shuffling Sirius back to the bedroom was also slow. Remus’s muscles ached, but the bed wasn’t far away.

James was waiting in the bedroom. He had been worrying, Remus could tell, but he couldn’t blame his friend. Remus was worrying too, he was just too tired to wear the same anxieties across his face. They didn’t need to speak, James came and helped them to the bed. He rearranged pillows and helped adjust their blankets. He continued to hesitate.

“Thank you, Prongs. I’m sorry about this.”

“You didn’t do this.” James said, stilling. James’s buzzing energy had been distracting, but his stillness was immensely louder.

“I...I didn’t mean-” Remus sighed as he looked down at Sirius, who was still holding onto Remus’s hand as he started drifting off to sleep. This was relatively soon for Sirius to be drifting off after a nightmare, but he supposed that standing for so long had been pretty tiring. “I’m just…..sorry in general.”

James frowned, but he understood. “Yeah.”

Both of them sighed.

“Are you sure you’re alright tonight?” James checked in.

Remus nodded. “Get some sleep, yeah? I’ll be fine.”

James hesitated, as though he wanted to ask if he could stay the night as well but was too afraid to intrude. He checked behind his shoulder a few times before closing the bedroom door and walking down the hall to his own room.

Alone in the dark of the moon, Remus held Sirius, he pet back his hair as he watched Sirius drift off into sleep. Sirius’s head rested comfortably against Remus’s chest, counting his heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest. It was moments like these when Remus first fell in love with Sirius, in the quiet, vulnerable hours of the night.

“Ground Control to Major Tom.” Remus whispered into silence many minutes after James left them. It felt like Sirius was so far away, it hurt being able to hold him yet Sirius still being out of reach. “Don’t drift too far, Starman. Promise you’ll come back to me.”

If Sirius didn’t get better, Remus would always feel responsible. He tried to keep himself from getting too emotional, but Remus couldn’t help the few tears that fell down his cheek. He tried not to think too hard, he didn’t want to spend all night hurting. Remus wanted to appreciate the time he had to hold Sirius tonight, he wanted to keep Sirius warm and protected and safe. His heart hurt, because hating him hurt and loving him hurt. Laying here hurt, it hurt more than the moons ever did, but Remus didn’t want to be anywhere else. He didn’t want to go meet his friends in London tomorrow, he wondered if Sirius would let go of him in the morning. Remus worried about everything and about nothing, his head was somehow both busy and empty. It was full of thoughts, but he couldn’t string any of them together.

Eventually, he fell asleep.

The early morning light was soft and quiet around them. Remus first noticed the way that the light bounced off of Sirius’s hair, a wild and defiant mess of tangles it had become as they slept. The next thing Remus noticed were Sirius’s eyes. They were staring at him and they weren’t vacant. Sirius was awake and he was present.

“Good morning” Remus whispered, his face spreading into a large smile. He felt warm and happy when Sirius smiled back.

“Did you get some sleep?”

Sirius didn’t respond to him, but he continued to look at Remus. Remus wondered how long he had been up, he wondered how Sirius was feeling, he wondered if Sirius was in pain.

“How are you feeling?”

The two of them stayed suspended in the morning light for a few moments while Sirius thought about the question. Remus watched as Sirius slowly closed his eyes and burrowed into Remus. It was a familiar feeling, one that made Remus’s whole body electrify in a way that felt safe and calm. For a few moments in the early morning dawn, things were very nearly normal.

There was a knock on the door, James opened it quietly and crept inside. “Good morning.”

“I thought you were told to get some sleep.” Remus replied. Remus was awake but he was still exhausted. He wondered how many hours of sleep they got, it couldn’t be much more than three or four since the nightmare.

“I did!….I think” James defended. He softened, stepping a bit closer and trying to get a look at Sirius. “I wanted to see how you two were doing.”

Well, they were doing great for a moment until James interrupted them, but Remus didn’t tell James that. It was clear he had been worrying, he didn’t need to feel any guiltier. “He’s awake. Or he was. Can you hear us, Sirius?”

Remus looked down at the curls pressed against his chest, the one he assumed was counting his heartbeats and measuring his breaths. Sirius didn’t respond to his question, Remus wasn’t entirely sure what to think about that.

“Did you two get some sleep?” James asked, bringing Remus’s attention back to the conversation.

Remus nodded. “I think so, yeah.”

James nodded back at him. “We should probably start getting ready soon. Mum wants to leave earlier if possible.”

Oh, right. They had to get on with their day. Remus would have to let go of Sirius and let him go off to St. Mungo’s with the Potters. Remus would have to go into the city and pretend that none of this was happening.

Remus’s response was slow, as were his movements, but he did start to get the two of them ready. Sirius grumbled as they sat up, he continued to cling to Remus. Remus did his best to reassure the other, he tried running him through the plans for the day.

“We’re going to get dressed, then we’re going to have breakfast. Then we’re going into the city.” Remus tried to brace Sirius for the day. By the time Remus had managed to get Sirius dressed, Sirius no longer required access to all of Remus’s torso, but he wouldn’t give up on his grip on Remus’s hand.

There was a knock on the door again. James slipped past for a second time this morning.

“We’ll be ready in a minute.” Remus replied.

James smiled at him. “I’m here to help.”

“He’s dressed.”

“He’s not going out with hair like that.” James replied.

Remus laughed. “Okay, Mom.”

They sat Sirius down on the edge of the bed. James crawled behind him and began brushing out his hair with a soft bristle brush. Sirius continued to hold onto Remus’s hand, not giving him an opportunity to let go. Remus sat down on the bed beside Sirius and watched as James brushed out his hair. He wondered how he thought that would help, as all it seemed to do successfully was make Sirius’s hair fluffier and larger. It was no less out of control.

“So, are you going to tell me about your secret errand you have to run yet?” James asked as he started running his hands through Sirius’s hair, splitting it into more parts to focus on.

“Why would I?”

Once again, James’s stillness screamed at Remus.

“What?”

“Mate,” James paused “Do you really think I’m still going with him today?”

He’d known James had wanted to go, though. He’d won the coin flip, but James had a point. Sirius was attached to Remus. Every now and then Remus would catch him looking for Remus’s face. He would still only after he found Remus’s face, he smiled almost every time he did.

“I think he’s made his decision on who he wants to go with him.” James continued.

“Can’t believe we didn’t think to ask him.” Remus agreed.

James chuckled a bit. He returned to taming Sirius’s hair. If there was any family to know how to manage wild hair, it would be the Potters. With a bottle of Sleekeasy’s Hair Potion in hand, James got to work on managing Sirius’s mane of hair. He paused as Remus spoke again.

“You know Xenophillius?”

“Lovegood?” James asked.

“How many people named Xenophillius do you know, James?”

James rolled his eyes. “What’s he got to do with anything?”

“I’ll give you my money. I need you to meet him for me.”

“And?”

“And you give him my money.”

“For?” James asked

Remus sighed. “Don’t be dense.”

James sighed. He finished taming Sirius’s hair, sitting back as he finished.

“There. All beautiful for today.” James praised as he ran the brush through Sirius’s hair one last time. “Should we go downstairs?”

Breakfast was quiet. Remus wanted to blame it on the early hour, but the quiet was tense; everyone was nervous about today. Mrs. Potter made french toast, she sliced strawberries for the top and made sure there was fresh juice and coffee. Sirius stayed glued to Remus’s side, his mouth stayed glued shut. Remus tried to coax him for a while before giving up. He replaced that behavior with running his thumb along the back of Sirius’s hand as he realized the other was trembling. Remus focused on his coffee, he focused on his food. He let James try feeding Sirius a bit later. James was persistent, though, tangled in his worry.

“Mate. Stop.” Remus said harshly after James tried to get Sirius to take a bite for the umpteenth time. Sirius had squeezed his hand tighter, he leaned in closer to Remus just slightly, the trembling in his hand had come back. “He’s not going to eat, okay? Let it be.”

The room was already quiet, it got quieter with Remus’s jab. His heart felt heavy with guilt, he turned to his breakfast with his eyes down and a small, muffled sorry. The rest of their meal remained quiet, bitter like his coffee, but movement returned to it. After the dishes were clear, James helped Remus and Sirius shuffle to the Potters’ car. James had a long conversation with his mother while Remus held Sirius’s hand in the car and tried to bring some comfort to the other. He could feel Sirius trembling, he could feel how tightly his hand was being squeezed. Remus knew that Sirius was scared, but he also knew today was necessary.

Sirius’s legs stopped working as they approached St. Mungo’s Hospital. Remus had believed that Sirius knew where they were going, but perhaps he didn’t and this was a surprise. As difficult as it was to get Sirius inside with his torso stiff and legs limp, Remus took this as a sign that Sirius was aware of where they were.

He wouldn’t let go of Remus’s hand. Ever since last night, since the horrible nightmare Remus couldn’t help but be curious about its content, Sirius hadn’t let go of Remus. If he wasn’t clutching the other’s hand then his arms were wrapped around Remus’s torso or his fingers were entwined with the cloth of his shirt. Remus worried about what Sirius’s parents told him, what they threatened. Endless possible scenarios had run through Remus’s head, most of them he was too afraid to ponder out loud. But he didn’t need to know what happened to know that Sirius needed help. That’s why they were here.

The wheelchair was a fantastic choice. Sirius remained rigid and frightened, his eyes lost their focus regularly but his grip on Remus’s hand remained strong and tight. He had to be using so much energy just gripping on so tight. Remus wondered if Sirius was in pain.

He stayed with Sirius in the first waiting room while Mr. & Mrs. Potter talked to the receptionist and got them checked in. He moved them to a corner, somewhere where his people could sit on both sides of him, far away from most people. Remus knew Sirius well, he loved to be the center of attention but he hated to be seen as vulnerable, he detested pity. This had to be a nightmare for him, to be paraded around as fragile as he was. He wondered if Sirius even noticed, he wondered if this version of Sirius even cared.

“Mrs. P told me there’s at least two specialists they want you to meet with” Remus started to explain. Sirius hadn’t looked into his eyes since their arrival to the hospital, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hear Remus. He still gripped on to Remus’s hand, he had some sort of awareness. “You’re going to consult with a general healer first. I’m going to ask them about curses maybe.”

Sirius flinched at the mention of curses. Remus bit his lip, he apologized. “I’m sorry if that strikes a chord, but with how slowly your wounds have healed and with how long you seem to sleep….it’s a valid concern.”

Remus sighed. “We’re all here to help you, yeah?” He gave Sirius’s hand a squeeze. Remus was scared for today, his stomach was in knots and his head had been reeling all morning but there was no way, in any possible reality, that Remus was more scared than Sirius was today. Remus knew that, that’s why he dutifully kept hold of Sirius’s hand.

“They’re probably going to ask a lot of questions. We’re all going to do our best to answer them, okay?” Remus remembered when he was really little, shortly after he’d been turned. His parents would frequent emergency rooms shortly after the moons. He was so little, they hadn’t yet learned what the common injuries would be or how to ease their pain. Remus remembered being very small, having doctors and social workers talking to him, asking him about his injuries. He remembered not knowing how to explain himself, he remembered being scared and confused, he remembered wanting his mommy to hold him in his arms and make him feel safe. He wondered if Sirius felt like that now.

Remus had thought that Sirius’s grip had been tight in the waiting room, but he was proven wrong as his name was called and they began to wheel him back into the examination room. Remus was good at hiding his pain, he didn’t let on to how tight Sirius’s grip was. Honestly, if anything, Remus was impressed. He hadn’t realized Sirius still had such strength.

He did his best to explain what was going to happen to Sirius before it happened. Rermus explained when his eyes would be looked into, his ears poked, his chest listened to. He tried to get Sirius to do things like cough and deep breath and open up.

“He struggles with feeding” Mrs. Potter said to the disgruntled healer who couldn’t get Sirius to open his mouth when prompted.

“You could try showing him on me” Remus offered. “Sometimes he’s more compliant after we show him what to do.”

The healer looked at Remus a bit curiously, but they tried it. Remus easily opened his mouth and allowed the doctor to look down his throat. Sirius didn’t budge. Remus sighed, squeezing Sirius’s hand and reassuring him that he was safe before apologizing to the healer.

“Do you have concerns about brain damage?”

“Brain damage?!” Remus quipped. He had thought about a lot of things. He had thought about curses and dark charms. He had thought about isolation and neglect, punishment and restriction beyond measure. He had thought about abuse, but he hadn’t thought about brain injuries. Remus should have thought about brain injuries.

Sirius grunted. Remus did his best to calm his own breathing. He didn’t want to scare Sirius, he was already struggling enough as it was.

“How would we know if he has?” Mrs. Potter asked. Bless her, Remus thought. He wouldn’t have thought to ask, he would have gotten lost thinking about what a future Sirius would have with an injured brain.

“There are scans we can run, tests we can do.”

It wasn’t the most information they could have gotten, but Remus clung to it. They could run tests, they could learn about Sirius’s brain. That’s what they were here for, to get answers about Sirius’s condition. Scans would tell us more about Sirius’s brain, that’s all Remus had really wanted in the first place anyway. Remus reminded himself why they were here. He bucked up and asked the question that had been chewing on the back of his mind.

“I was curious about curses?” Remus spoke up. He watched everyone except Sirius’s eyes turn to him as he spoke.

“Any curses specifically?”

“No…” Remus started. “But I think he has enough symptoms to warrant a search.”

The healer listened to Remus, they seemed receptive, they nodded for Remus to continue.

“He sleeps a lot. Most of the time, actually. This…..seeing him like this is a new development. And he shakes, a lot. Sometimes it’s a small tremor like now, sometimes it’s worse. Right?” Remus turned to Mrs. Potter. The mother nodded.

“And he has these gashes along his back. Dittany doesn’t close them. He’s had them over a week and they’re just now starting to scab!”

The doctor was taking notes. “Tell me more.”

Mrs. Potter did most of the speaking after that. Mr. Potter gave notes on the potions and salves he had been making for Sirius. The two of them had more insight in the situation than Remus did, he was happy to let the two of them do the talking. Remus worked on smoothing his thumb over the back of Sirius’s hand as slowly as he could. He wondered how long it would take of slow soothing motions before Sirius’s hands stopped trembling. He noticed the slightest shift in demeanor in his peripheral. Remus was happy to catch Sirius’s eyes. They were scared, but they were present, at least for a moment.

“It’s alright.” Remus whispered, squeezing Sirius’s hand.

The doctor who had been talking with the Potters decided that they needed samples. A few swabs inside the wounds, a tissue sample or two. They could be in and out in a matter of minutes. Sirius had lost the glint in his eye that meant he was definitely aware of his surroundings, he’d stopped answering Remus’s questions, still he remained strongly tethered to Remus. Remus continued to talk to Sirius, he hoped that his words could help bring him back. Sirius always looked so relieved when he found Remus’s face, he hoped that his words could bring Sirius the same comfort.

Sirius’s shoulder jerked violently as the healer’s gloved hand made contact to steady it. It must have been painful, because Sirius let out a whimper that cut straight through Remus. Sirius may be the one who was bleeding, but Remus had to look down at his chest to make sure he was not injured much the same.

“It’s alright, you’re okay.” Remus pleaded. He gave Sirius’s hand a squeeze, he tried to will his own worry away. “The doctors are here to help you. I know you’re scared, but we need to be very brave, just for a short little while. We don’t want you getting worse, do we?” This wasn’t the first time Remus had given this pep talk to Sirius, he’d spent time in the late hours of night last night and into this morning talking about what today might be, but that was information, not encouragement. Remus wasn’t entirely sure himself what today would look like, but he understood hospitals and specialists, he could guess. Even if Sirius didn’t hear a word he said, Remus thought it was better to try than not to. It helped Remus come up with a plan.

“Be as brave as you can be, and if you run out of bravery, take some of mine.” Remus whispered to the other. He shifted position so that Sirius could lean against him, shoulder to shoulder and face to face for stability. “I’m right here.”

As the doctor inserted the cotton swab into the large gash along his shoulder blade that reopened in the middle when Sirius jerked away from the hand moments ago. Remus steadied Sirius, but that didn’t stop Sirius from jerking away a second time, his body trying to curl in on itself.

“Don’t move!” The doctor reacted in surprise.

Remus and Monty stabilized Sirius. His body trembled, his grip on Remus remained strong.

“Show me.” Euphemia Potter demanded from the healer. For a moment the room was quieter, it was calmer. Remus wondered if she was working wandless magic, if she was charming everyone, calming Sirius down. She moved between her husband and Remus, her eyes searching Sirius’s face for a moment. Remus couldn’t see the frown that formed on her face, but he could hear the sad huff she released and the sound of her hand cupping Sirius’s. Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand.

“It’s going to be alright, beta. You are my baby now, I will take care of you.”

Euphemia Potter gave his cheek a gentle pat before moving to the small sink and washing her hands. She gloved them as the healer had and returned to her position facing Sirius’s backside. She would not take no for an answer, she was going to get what the doctor needed because her hands knew these wounds. She had mapped out the landmines, she knew where to touch and where not to touch, she knew how to pace these interactions, she knew how to talk to him and how to go slow.

“I’m going to clean you up now, dear. You’re in good hands.”

Sirius whined as Mrs. Potter’s hand touched his back. Unlike the doctor, though, she made sure he was used to her touch before she tried listening to the doctor and getting the swab they needed. Remus watched as she worked, but he focused mainly on the pattern of Sirius’s breathing and the strength of the grip on his arm.

“You’re being very brave.” Remus whispered. He felt Sirius’s grip tighten, Remus shushed him instinctively. He continued to talk as Mrs. Potter cleaned at the wounds, as she hummed to them, as she managed to help keep Sirius calm while getting what the doctors needed.

Effie helped steady Sirius as the doctor collected samples of tissue from his wounds.

“Very good, love” Effie praised.

“Good job, Sirius. A few more seconds.” Remus added

“Good work” Monty praised.

Remus studied Sirius’s face as they dressed his wounds. The doctor gave a detailed description of necrotic skin and warned Effie to look out for it. Remus couldn’t help but listen to it even though the thought made his stomach churn. He was thankful that the doctor didn’t see any that had already gotten to that point. Remus watched Sirius’s face, as unwavering and as cold as stone, as he was supported upright and bandaged. He looked much like Remus did a little over a week ago when he woke up from the moon. Remus’s shoulder, while long since healed and now scarring, ached as he thought about the seemingly perpetual wound Sirius had along his. He helped Sirius back into his shirt, he sat with him in hard plastic hospital chairs while the doctor and the Potters spoke.

They were taking the samples for biopsies. They were testing for a slew of things. A routine curse panel was ordered, another was checking for bacteria, the healer’s voice was obstructed for the other explanation and Remus tried not to mind. There was a rock in the pit of his stomach that had been sitting there all day, it grew in his stomach and made him feel sick. Nausea was something Remus could manage, it was far from the worst symptom he had to learn how to deal with in his years. Remus gave Sirius’s hand a squeeze and reminded himself to breathe.

Remus sat there, his left arm crossing his body so that his fingers could trace long, tangling lines up and down Sirius’s arm. He sat beside Sirius and he tried not to think, not to feel. For a moment he was almost jealous of the other, jealous that Sirius didn’t have to stay here, in this room, watching the brightest star in his universe fade away. The pit in Remus’s stomach kept him here, anchored to the present. He had a job to do in this room.

Remus sat in the hard plastic hospital chair and he was alone. The rock in his stomach kept him weighed down while Sirius remained empty and weightless. Remus’s hand traced lines, tethering a ghost, which was once Remus’s heart, to its frail skeletal shell.

How, Remus wondered, had it gone this far?

The Sirius Black that Remus loved was gone, Remus realized. The man who he loved, the man who betrayed him was dead and they were never going to get him back. Remus grieved that person, his heart became as heavy as the stone in his stomach and sank down just as low in the pit of his belly. It made it hard to breathe.

How, Remus thought, could his family do this to him? Why, Remus wondered, would they go this far? They never loved him, Remus realized, and then he came to an even harder realization: Remus still did. Part of him hated Sirius so deeply it hurt. That part of him was scared and vulnerable, small and unsure how to protect himself. But even that most terrified part of him wasn’t as scared as Sirius looked when his eyes sat wide open with no recognition behind them The Sirius Black that Remus had loved was dead, Remus knew that now. The ghost in his shell tethered by Remus’s grasp was also a Sirius Black that Remus loved, though. He was scared for this Sirius, but if he wasn’t could he really say that he loved him? This Sirius was small, and raw, and vulnerable and this Sirius Black trusted him. Remus remembered to be honored about that when his soul felt like it wanted to crack and escape out of his body.

Remus listened to the adults talk about brain scans and bone scans, curse breakers and charm masters, memory specialists, occupational and physical therapies, speech assessments, poisons control and potions specialists, about tests to send to the lab. Remus traced his fingers up Sirius’s arm, he reminded himself to breathe.

No matter how hard Remus wanted to detach himself from today’s reality he couldn’t allow himself to do it. He had a job to do in this room, Sirius had picked him to be here.

The next doctor that visited them was young, maybe three or four years out of school. He was a curse breaker. He said he loved a puzzle, he felt Sirius was going to be a great one. He asked a lot of questions, Remus did his best to answer them with help from the Potters as well.

“I ah, I would like him to try and answer me, please?” The doctor said.

“He doesn’t talk.” Remus said, probably too curtly. “Did you not read his patient file before coming in here? It should be one of the first things listed. And he’s a person, not a puzzle. If you want him to answer you, you can try addressing him directly.”

“Remus!” Euphemia corrected, her face telling him to cut the attitude. Remus complied, because he did want to get Sirius help and he knew that wasn’t going to happen if they got kicked out because Remus was being an asshole. He sighed, he took Sirius’s hand in both of his, he gave it a squeeze.

“The doctor’s got questions for you.” Remus murmured to Sirius, wondering if he could hear or comprehend what Remus was saying. “If you can hear us, I need you to try and answer, okay?” He gave Sirius’s hand another squeeze. He smiled when Sirius squeezed his hand back.

“And who are you to him?” The doctor asked Remus as he noticed how entwined the two seemed to be.

“I’m his….friend.” The word caught in Remus’s throat, he coughed to try and make it less noticeable but he could feel judgmental eyes on him.

“Remus goes to school with Sirius, they share a dorm with our son when away. He’s been very helpful these past few days.” Monty chimed in.

“Remus would make a good healer one day.” Effie added.

Remus felt awkward accepting their praise. The doctor looked interested, he took a moment to write in his notes. Sirius squeezed his hand, Remus smiled and squeezed Sirius’s back.

“You can try asking him questions,” Remus told the healer “But only if they can be answered with a yes or a no.”

Again, the doctor looked puzzled, but he complied without much complaint.

They took things slow. If Sirius didn’t respond within a certain amount of time, Remus would ask the question. Sometimes Sirius responded, sometimes he didn’t. It was hard to see recognition behind his eyes. Remus did his best to give the doctor honest responses if he had insight.

Remus stayed with Sirius as the curse breaker ordered further tests, had further speculations. He measured Sirius’s body, checked his weight and his reaction times. Other healers came in and did scans, they took pictures of his bones and of his head. They looked for fractures or masses, abnormalities, signs of damage both magical and biological. Poison specialists came in and swabbed the inside of his mouth, potions masters asked Monty for more information on the work he’d been doing. Everyone did their best to answer the healers’ questions.

“Wait here, a nurse will be in shortly to tell you where to go next.” one of the many healers they’d met that day said.

Remus sat in the hard plastic hospital chair and he held Sirius’s hand. He smiled at Mrs. Potter, he listened to Mr. Potter ponder which unit they would be moved to next. Remus tried not to think about all the tests they’ve done so far, he tried not to think about all the tests left to be done, of all the possibilities of what could be wrong. The puzzle of Sirius’s maladies was a complex tangle of possibilities, he wondered if they would be able to figure it out when Sirius wasn’t able to answer them consistently.

They didn’t have to wait for too long before a nurse came back and told them they would be moving down the hall for further testing. Getting Sirius back in the wheelchair was difficult, his legs were shaky and his movements uncoordinated. Mr. Potter pushed the chair while Remus held onto Sirius’s hand. His hands were shaking, and Remus couldn’t discern if it was from fear or pain. Neither answer was a good one.

“We’ll be in here.” The nurse said, leading them to a decent sized room with a phlebotomy chair sitting center. It was more complicated than a typical chair was, Remus assumed that was for accessibility. This one looked more modifiable, easier to move to help less mobile patients in and out. Remus could feel the way that Sirius tensed as they entered the room, but he did his best to ignore it. He had a job here but so did the doctors, both of them wanted to get results today.

“It’s alright, Sirius.” Remus murmured as they wheeled him closer to the chair. “On the count of three, we’re going to stand up and move to this chair, yeah?”

Remus was pretty certain Sirius couldn’t hear him, but that never stopped him from trying to talk to the other. Remus and Mr. Potter counted to three, they hoisted Sirius up to his feet, they struggled to get him to turn or sit or move a different direction but he was slippery.

“Come on, Sirius. It’s alright, just sit here.” Remus tried to convince.

“That’s enough, come on.” One of the nurses said, stepping in to help force Sirius down in to the chair.

“No. No, no!” Sirius spoke the moment that his hand’s grasp was severed from Remus’s.

He spoke. Remus hadn’t been certain that he was able to do that anymore, but he just spoke. He said no. He said no the moment Remus dare let their hands go. Remus tried to make his way back to Sirius’s side, to grab his hand and remind him it was alright but the nurses in charge of this operation got in the way. Sirius was writhing in the chair, but between the three nurses in the room they were able to hold Sirius down.

He shouldn’t be held down Remus thought, but they needed to get the samples to rule out whatever they were thinking may be wrong with him. He’s scared. Remus identified, but Sirius had been scared all day. If only Remus could get back to holding his hand, then maybe things wouldn’t be so bad.

“No….no” Sirius continued to beg. His eyes were wild and frantic, he was searching for something. Was he searching for Remus?

“It’s just a routine blood draw.” The nurse taking hold of Sirius’s shoulders said. She kicked a lever and the footrest came out, forcing Remus to jump back lest he get kicked.

“It’s alright, Sirius.” Remus cooed as Sirius tried to roll out of his spot. He was still begging with no, no no, and while Remus was glad that Sirius could talk, he genuinely wished this wasn’t the circumstances that they were under. Remus tried to get closer, to get his hands entwined with the other but the nurse holding his arm down gave Remus a nasty look.

“Please, don’t push.”

“This will be quick” The fourth nurse said as she prepped her needle for the blood draw.

Remus did as he was asked and stepped aside. He stood at Sirius’s feet, his hands holding those down in hopes that Sirius could feel him and somehow know it was him that was there.

“I’m right here.” Remus murmured. He wished he could look away but his eyes were fixated on the way Sirius pleaded and tried to squirm away. Remus wondered where in his mind Sirius was right now, he wondered what he thought the nurses were doing to him. The rock in his stomach remained, Remus felt sick.

There was one nurse holding Sirius’s shoulders down while the other had his wrist. A third was on his other side while the fourth was quick to insert the needle into Sirius’s arm and begin pulling vials of blood.

“No, no!” Sirius pleaded once more, but words only remained with him for as long as the needle wasn’t in his arm The moment the needle began to draw blood, Sirius screamed.

The rest of the world went quiet as Sirius howled. Remus had seen Sirius in all sorts of states, he’d known the other to be injured, he’d heard him scream in pain before, but this was different. This scream was haunting, one that Remus knew he would never be able to forget. It was the type of scream he’d only ever read about in text books, the type he hoped to never have to hear in person. Only one thing could have caused such pain, Remus knew, there didn’t have to be any further tests to confirm the suspicions Remus had been trying so hard to swallow down and convince himself couldn’t be true. Sirius wasn’t in the room with them and Remus didn’t know where exactly he was in his mind, but he knew what was happening: Sirius was reexpeiencing the cruciatus curse.

And then, just as fast as the screaming came, it ended. The room filled with silence but Sirius continued to thrash. His eyes remained closed, his head turning at all angles, his body contorting to try and stop the pain. The nurses continued to hold him down, did nobody else understand the significance of what was happening?

Remus didn’t think about what he was doing. His legs sprung into action. He didn’t push a nurse but he did get in their way. He jumped over the chair and straddled Sirius. His hands came up to the other’s face, touching his cheek and trying to get his eyes to focus.

“Sirius? Sirius come to me.” Remus begged. “You’re not there, Sirius. Come on, find me. It’s Remus, I’m here. Come to me, Sirius. Come to me.”

The boy continued to writhe in pain below him. Remus felt his heart tense in his chest, he had to fight his whole body from freezing. There was no thinking, Remus just continued to try. The way Sirius’s body seized was more than concerning. Remus listened to Sirius grunt and whimper, as if he was trying to scream but his mouth wouldn’t let him. His eyes were closed tight, there was sweat starting to form along his brow.

“Sirius, come to me.” Remus repeated over and over again. “Open your eyes, come on. You’re with me. You’re safe. Come on, come to me.”

Sirius struggled some more. Remus knew that Sirius often needed patience but Remus’s was quickly wearing away. Sirius was in pain, and Remus had been his tether all day. Remus had been negligent enough to have let that chord sever when the nurse broke their embrace, now it was his job to get Sirius back.

“It’s me, it’s Remus. Come on, let me see your eyes.” Remus pleaded. He slapped Sirius’s cheek gently. He held and cupped his face so that it was looking up at Remus and not over at any medical equipment. Remus was afraid of triggering him any further.

“It’s me, Sirius” Remus begged, tears filling at the corners of his eyes and threatening to spill over. He couldn’t loose Sirius like this, Sirius had to come back to him. Up until this moment, Remus hadn’t thought there was a possibility that Sirius wouldn’t come home with them today. Now, he was worried that Sirius wouldn’t ever come back. Remus couldn’t lose him twice. “Come on, come to me!”

Sirius struggled. He moaned and groaned and strained against the familiar body holding him down. He was fighting something, Remus could tell. He rubbed Sirius’s chest to try and help him find his way.

Sirius’s eyes opened, they looked into Remus’s.

Sirius gasped. Remus was not a religious man, but he thanked whichever god would listen that Sirius had come back to him.

They stayed stuck in each other’s gaze for only a moment, but it was a moment long enough for both of them to find relief knowing that the other was there with them. The nurses had finished with his blood draw while Remus steadied him down, Sirius’s body was his again: his arms were free.

“I’m sorry” Sirius whispered, his arms snapping up and wrapping tightly around Remus. His grip was strong, Sirius pulled Remus into himself and hid his face in the other’s chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”

Remus had thought that hearing Sirius beg no earlier had been difficult to hear, he hadn’t thought that hearing Sirius speak would be so painful. Hearing him apologize was worse than the protests. Remus wanted to crack and crumble at the sound of it. Sirius wasn’t one to apologize often, he didn’t usually sound so broken or so scared when he did either. Remus wondered who he was apologizing to.

It was instinctual, Remus was quick to sooth.

“Shh now.” Remus hushed. His head rested atop Sirius’s, his arms wrapped around the other, holding him firmly. “You’re alright, it’s over now. It’s just you and me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sirius continued to cry, his voice no larger than a whisper.

Remus’s heart broke at the pained apologies. He stroked Sirius’s hair gently and continued to shush him.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” Remus promised, “It’s just you and me. Focus on that. I’ve got you.”

The tears pressed at Remus’s eyes overflowed. He had to steady his breathing as he let the tears fall down his cheeks. He had to stay together for Sirius right now, he’d only just gotten him back. Remus focused on him and Sirius, he didn’t think about any of the others in the room.

“Why don’t we give them a minute?” Effie Potter suggested firmly. “Let them collect themselves.”

Remus thanked her quietly as the nurses began filing out of the room.

“We’ll be in the waiting area outside.” Mrs. Potter promised.

Remus nodded and thanked her. “We’ll just be a minute.”

They were much more than a minute. Sirius continued to apologize for another several. Remus wasn’t convinced that he’d settled because he’d listened to Remus’s soothing, he was pretty certain that Sirius had just tired himself out. Remus was thankful he’d stopped, though. Remus hadn’t a clue what Sirius was apologizing for. He didn't know if it was because he was aware that he’d caused a scene, or if he was apologizing to Remus, or if he was still just lost in his mind.

He may be quiet, but Remus could still feel how fragile Sirius was. He needed to be treated preciously. Remus couldn’t continue to be sitting on him like this. Carefully, Remus pulled way from the other. He looked into Sirius’s glassy eyes, he wiped the tears off his puffy face, he brushed some of Sirius’s hair back. Remus sighed. The Sirius he had known and loved was gone. Still, his heart ached for the one in front of him.

“It’s okay, Pads. We’ll take care of you.”

Remus stood from his spot. His muscles ached and joints protested as he started to stand an unstraddle the other. Sirius must have been present enough to notice that Remus was getting up, however, because a hand shot out towards Remus as if asking him to stay.

“It’s alright.” Remus promised, taking Sirius’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’m just standing up. I won’t leave you.”

Sirius was quicker than Remus was, though. Remus had just barely turned around to face Sirius again before the other was practically toppling out of his seat in Remus’s direction. Remus did his best to catch the other. He was successful in catching the other, but Remus did not manage to succeed at keeping his balance. The two went crashing to the floor.

The pain in his hip was sharp, but fleeting. Remus knew better than to cry out in pain but did wince as he sat up and assessed the situation. It throbbed at the source of an old injury, but it didn’t appear to be dislocated or out of place.

Sirius was curled up on the floor. He looked as though he was ready for someone to come up from behind him and attack, completely defenseless. How many times had he been left in a position like this? Remus shoved his own pain aside and shushed Sirius. Much like one would convince a frightened dog to come out of its cage, Remus sat on the floor next to Sirius and coaxed him closer until Remus could pull him into his arms.

He ignored the strain in his shoulder telling him he was overextending himself because getting to Sirius was more important. He ignored the throbbing in his hip because Sirius’s eyes were still wide and afraid.

“You’re alright.” Remus reminded Sirius as he pulled Sirius into his lap and used his good leg to scoot them back against the nearest wall. Remus’s hand found its way into Sirius’s. The other’s hand curled instinctively around Remus’s. For the longest time, all Remus could do was hold him and shush him. Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand periodically, wondering if he could feel it, if that is what he could do to bring Sirius back. Remus wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, he got lost in the motions of it all rather easily. He had known today was going to be difficult, but he hadn’t imagined this was how it would go.

Remus knew that whatever Sirius’s parents had done was unforgivable. He knew that the moment he saw the other stare into the world in front of him so hollowly yet so afraid. He knew dark magic was at play, he knew unforgivable curses could have been used. He wasn’t expecting to have heard that scream, though. It was almost all Remus could think about as he rocked the boy in his arms.

Remus kept Sirius’s hand in his. He ran his thumb across the back, his other hand stroked the side of Sirius’s face the same way his own mother would stroke his when he was little after the moons. He looked for any sign of change, any sign of awareness.

Feeling Sirius’s hand squeeze his was a welcomed surprise. It brought Remus back to the moment, out of his own head.

“Hey” Remus whispered, searching Sirius’s eyes for signs of recognition. His eyes remained hollow, but he squeezed Remus’s hand one more time. Yes.

“Hi” Remus smiled, pressing a small kiss to the other’s head. “Do you know what happened?”

There wasn’t an immediate response. Remus's anxiety got the best of him. “Do you know who you are or where you are?”

Remus waited several more moments. Two more squeezes, no.

His chest was tight. Remus wasn’t sure which question Sirius had answered no to, he wasn’t sure how alert the other was or if he was on a delay, he was excited that Sirius could respond at all. Remus realized then that he wasn’t sure what information Sirius would need from him.

“You are Sirius Black, and you are very brave.” Remus started. “You are at St. Mungo’s because you are sick. We are trying to get you help.”

Sirius’s body tensed at the mention of the hospital, his grip on Remus tightened, he began to tremble again.

“You’re safe here” Remus promised. “The doctors want to help. I want to help, the Potters want to help. You are going to be okay.”

Remus didn’t know what to do other than repeat himself until Sirius seemed to understand what he was saying, until the shaking stopped. Finally, it did and the air around them seemed to settle and calm.

“Come on” Remus whispered, stroking Sirius’s face once more because he knew the other liked it. “We don’t’ need to continue here. Let’s go find the Potters.”

Getting up was a trick, but it was far from the first time Remus had to be inventive. He scooted Sirius off of his lap, assuring him along the way that everything was fine. He was lucky and ended up scooting against the wall with cabinets. This was a moment where Remus wish he’d had his cane, it would provide stability and help up but he could pull himself up from the counter. He continued to talk, saying anything that came to mind to keep Sirius tethered to him.

“Okay.” Remus praised, shuffling along the countered wall. “I’m going to get the wheelchair, yeah? Then we can get ou-”

“No”

Had Sirius just said no? Remus looked down at the other, he tried to get a read on his face. “Sirius?” Remus asked. Sirius looked at him, not through him. He shook his head.

“No wheelchair?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked away. Remus sighed and made his way towards Sirius. He could manage, he could be stable enough, he just had to be careful with how much he walked. He’d be sore tonight, but that was fine. Remus was familiar with pain, a ghost of an injury was much less of a concern compared to the pain Sirius was in.

“Okay, come here.” Remus said, bracing himself against the wall. He reached his hand out towards Sirius, he waited for the other to grasp.

“No wheelchair?” Remus asked again. Sirius squeezed once, yes.

Remus sighed. He nodded and braced himself. “Alright. Need your help, though. When you’re ready.”

Sirius was a lot lighter than he used to be, between the two of them they were able to get Sirius up to his feet but not without him crashing into Remus. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius to keep him there, the room stilled for a moment.

“Okay” Remus said as he steadied himself and measured his breath. Remus helped Sirius’s arm around his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around Sirius’s back. “We have to go slow, yeah. I need you to try your hardest to move your feet.”

Sirius leaned heavily against him but it was alright. Remus took it slow, they shuffled, it wasn’t that far of a walk to the lobby. Remus’s body fell heavily into the waiting room chair, his hand found Sirius’s, his eyes found Mrs. Potter’s.

“How are you two?” She asked. She did not bring up how long they had been in there, she didn’t address how exhausted both of them looked, she didn’t mention the way Remus shuffled and shifted his weight as they walked.

Remus smiled lightly, silently thanking her for not asking the obvious. “We’re alright.” Remus squeezed Sirius’s hand. It meant yes but it also meant I’m here.

“They were able to get enough samples for him.” Effie said, her hand covering Remus’s free one. “We’re just waiting to get the results from the blood tests.”

Remus nodded. “Is there anything else they want?”

Mrs. Potter shook her head no, but caught herself and corrected. “They have put in a recommendation that we visit another wing for a consultation.”

That was worrisome. Remus worried how much more Sirius could take today. He also knew that after today, it would be near impossible to get him to come back here without possibly causing more trauma. Remus looked over at Sirius. He didn’t appear to be paying attention to anything.

“What department is that?”

“Memory.”

The rock in Remus’s stomach froze, he felt a chill run down his spine despite the fact that he knew they were going to want to know more about his mind. Remus wanted to know more about his mind too, but he remembered what the doctor had said earlier. Brain damage.

“Did the scans show anything?” Remus asked, too afraid to say the actual thing he was afraid of.

“He’s had concussions before, the doctor said.” Effie responded honestly. “But he’s not currently concuss. They said the memory unit would be able to do more detailed tests. Hopefully they will have more answers.”

More answers would be good. Remus nodded, he had no more questions. The lot of them sat in silence for a while longer. Remus tried not to think about all that could be wrong with Sirius's mind. He people watched those passing through the waiting room, he watched Sirius. He looked tense-tenser than usual. Remus watched as Sirius looked up, then looked away. His hand was trembling again.

“Are you alright, Sirius?” Remus asked. He waited patiently until his hand was squeezed twice. No.

“Are you feeling ill?” Remus asked, worried about his pallid complexion and trembling hand. His hand was squeezed twice a second time. No.

Remus tried to think, tried to put himself in Sirius’s shoes. He watched people a little longer, he noticed that the hospital staff looked at the two of them longer than they did others around them. One whispered to another after looking their way. A white hot flash of embarrassment ran up Remus’s spine. He remembered the doctor’s comment from earlier. And who are you to him? It was a perfectly innocuous question, but the tone of the doctor’s voice was one Remus was familiar with. He was asking who Remus was, but his tone was asking are you a queer? Of course they would think that, with how tightly their hands remained locked to each other, with how gently Remus spoke to Sirius. The fact that Remus worried that was the office gossip, that it could impact Sirius’s ability to receive care, made Remus irate-it made him terrified.

Or they could be whispering because they heard Sirius scream and they knew exactly what Remus knew: that Sirius had been tortured. Suddenly the room felt all too small as Sirius’s scream replayed in the back of his head.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand, yes.

Remus nodded. He turned towards Effie and leaned in so he didn’t have to speak so loudly. “We’re going to step out, find someplace quieter to sit.”

Mrs. Potter looked concerned but she didn’t stop the boys. She nodded. “Don’t go far, we’ll find you when we get news.”

Remus nodded. He did his best at pushing himself up from his chair and finding his balance. He helped Sirius up and while it wasn’t graceful they managed to shuffle out of the waiting room and down a hallway. There was another waiting room not far from the one they were at, there were less people and commotion in it. There was a small alcove they could sit in, Sirius curled himself into Remus’s side.

He seemed smaller when he was like this, curled up into Remus like a child looking for protection. Remus took a slow, deep breath and stroked his free hand down Sirius’s arm. They sat in silence for a while, but the silence was loud. In the silence, Remus could hear Sirius scream. He decided to fill the silence with the only thing he could think of.

“You are Sirius Black and you are very brave. You are at St. Mungo’s because you are sick. We are trying to help you.”

Remus wasn’t sure if it was more for him or Sirius at this point, Remus needed to remind himself of the reality he was in. He was in the worst possible reality: stuck in the hospital with a shell of the boy he loved, doing everything in his power to keep him from slipping away from him entirely. All Remus could do was remind himself just as much as he reminded Sirius of who they were and why they were here.

“You are Sirius Black and you are very brave. You are at St. Mungo’s because you are sick. We are trying to help you.”

Remus wasn’t sure how many times he repeated that phrase or a similar variation of it before Mr. Potter found their hiding spot.

“We’re wanted on floor three.”

Floor three was the memory care unit. It wasn’t too far from where they were currently, it was up a floor and down the hall, they could catch an elevator at the nearby lift bay. Monty helped Remus shuffle Sirius from point A to point B, the Potters listened to Remus when he told them that Sirius didn’t want a wheelchair. Mrs. Potter steadied herself on Remus’s good side, offering physical support with each step as well as emotional support with her constant verbal praise of all of them.

Sirius did well listening to their directions, to trying to pick up his feet. He did well all the way to the lift bay, all the way up the third floor, and down the hall for a good part. Once they got closer to the ward they were wanted in, Sirius’s legs locked up. His grip on Remus’s hand tightened.

“You must be Sirius!” The young healer at the entrance to the ward said as they approached. “Come in, we’re happy you’re here.” She reached her hand out towards Sirius. Sirius whined, he tried to twist in their arms.

“It’s alright, Sirius.” Remus tried to soothe as they took another awkward step closer. “Come on, just a few more steps. They want to help. We all want to help.”

Another hospital staff member noticed how Sirius was struggling. They brought a wheelchair closer but Sirius went stiff, he wouldn’t allow anyone to help him in it. His lips remained closed but his body struggled. He was weak, but he was slippery and both Remus and Mr. Potter had to work hard to keep a grasp on him.

No, Remus heard, clear as day as if Sirius had just said it. His lips remained sealed, he couldn’t have.

Remus returned to the present but only for a moment. Only long enough to remember they were in the hospital, only long enough to feel Sirius writhe in his arms. He could feel the tension radiating off the other, he could feel the white hot fear threatening to consume him. Remus turned towards Sirius, only to be blinded by Sirius’s emotion.

Remus came to several seconds later. The lights in the hospital were brighter than he liked, but that was the least of his problems. He was on the floor. There was movement around him, but it was far enough away that Remus didn’t worry. He worried about what had just happened, what he’d seen. Was that a memory? Was that Sirius’s memory?

“Are they alright?”

Remus tuned into the voice, he blinked several times as he looked around himself. Everyone was farther away from him than they had been a moment ago. Everyone expect for Sirius. Fleamont and Effie were pressed into the wall and thrown down the hall. The doors to the Memory Care unit were closed, fists knocking behind them for help getting out. Other staff stood frozen, meters away from Remus and the boy asleep in his arms.

Sirius looked so sick, but so peaceful like this in his sleep.

“I’m fine.” Remus responded, his gaze not leaving Sirius’s body as he studied it. Sirius breathed, he held Remus’s hand, he didn’t appear to be in pain. “We’re okay.”

It was only then that Remus realized he had no idea what had just happened. The Potters had been right next to him a minute ago, but now they were down the hall and on the floor. The Memory Care ward was locked.

“What happened?” Remus asked.

Euphemia Potter pushed herself up and made her way towards the two boys. He looked Remus over first, making sure he hadn’t hit his head or wasn’t running a fever. She cupped his cheek and smiled, then turned her attention towards Sirius.

“He’s asleep again?”

Remus nodded. His heart was heavy because whenever Sirius was asleep, they never knew how long it would be for.

“Are you alright?” Remus asked the mother. He was reassured when she nodded. “How did you get so far away? You were by my side one second and then…”

“I was hoping you would have more answers.” Euphemia admitted. “We were walking him to his next appointment and he was struggling.”

“Right” Remus agreed.

“Then we were being thrown away.”

“The doors to the ward are closed.” Remus observed. Mrs. Potter nodded.

“They are, aren’t they?” Effie agreed.

Remus felt a cold, clammy sweat down his back. He remembered the menacing words from Sirius’s memory. I’m a memory doctor, Remus remembered how unsafe he felt in his body at those words With my help we’ll clean up all those nasty little thoughts keeping you stuck and build you up something new. Remus felt sick but he swallowed the nausea down. What had they done to him? This nugget of information spoke volumes, but it left Remus with even more questions. It left him with no words.

“He was trying to protect us.” Remus murmured, looking down at that hollow, lifeless face with nothing but pity and concern.

“From what?”

Remus couldn’t outright say the doctors, not without explaining himself and Remus wasn’t sure how to yet. He looked back at the doors, he watched as hospital personnel started to come to the area, to look at them and try to piece together what had happened.

“I think we need to go home. He’s had enough for today.”

“After what just happened? He’s going to need to be seen by a healer. All of us will be.” Mrs. Potter admitted.

The news felt like another stone forming in his stomach. Remus understood doctor anxiety, he understood a fear of hospitals and the unknown, he knew what that fear felt like. The fear of the unknown and the fear of your life were two different feelings that could both occur in a hospital setting. Remus had even faced the fear of insanity before, but not at the hand of a healer. Remus, while bursting with more questions about the condition and treatment of the boy in his arms, wanted nothing more than to flee here and never see a doctor again. He understood why Sirius went so rigid as they arrived to the hospital, he understood just how afraid he had been.

Sirius Black had always been brave, but Remus had never been more keenly aware or in awe of his bravery until now.

The Emergency Department was busy, for that Remus was both frustrated by and relieved. They were seen plenty quickly, news of the mute boy who had a magical outburst spread quickly throughout the hospital. Remus and Euphemia and Monty were checked for concussions and dislocations. Remus was given a pain potion, Monty was treated for a scratch he’d obtained while being thrown, Effie didn’t accept any care once she was cleared.

Sirius was given more tests. His bandages were unwrapped and his wounds photographed. He was rebandaged, hooked up to a monitor that measured his magical activity, and given an IV. Nutrients, fluids, things he needed that they didn’t want to force down his throat. Remus was given some crackers and pumpkin juice. It all felt a bit juvenile at first, but he couldn’t say that he wasn’t appreciative. He had hardly eaten all day.

Sirius stayed just as still and as lifeless in the emergency room as he did in the Potters’ home for over a week, but Remus kept his hand around Sirius’s. The business around them and general lack of privacy that emergency rooms afforded was appreciated. Without it, Remus would be left to sit with Sirius alone. He’d be left to remember the doctor, he’d be left to remember Sirius’s screams.

“They finally got the ward doors opened again.”

“Really?” The second voice said

Remus didn’t mean to eavesdrop, if Effie and Monty hadn’t been elsewhere he might not have, but the healers behind the curtain were gossiping and Remus had nothing better to do.

“Really. The doors weren’t even locked!” The first healer said.

“No! Then why did it take this long?”

“The outside handles were transfigured off and the nurses in the ward couldn’t remember how doors work!”

“They what?!” The second healer asked.

“Half of the memory care team is coming down here while we owl the team off duty to come reverse what’s happened to them. They’re all clueless, they have no memory of what happened”

“Will they be able to be fixed?”

“Can a teenager who can’t talk or walk really do that much damage?”

Remus’s anxiety increased. Had Sirius really done all that? What would that mean for him? Remus brought the hand clasped in his up to his lips. He looked at Sirius’s sleeping face and sighed.

“It’ll be alright, Sirius.” Remus said, more to convince himself than anybody else. He doubted Sirius could hear him. “I’m right here. I’ll keep you safe.”

They continued to sit alone in the shared sick bay of the emergency department, listening to the commotion go on by around them. They would be waiting here a while, Remus knew. Waiting on tests, waiting on doctors to arrive, waiting on more information, waiting on a plan. But how do you plan for something with so many variables? And would they ever be able to get the tests from the memory doctors when Sirius was so staunchly against them?

Remus did his best not to get upset, he did his best to stay calm and level headed because that’s what Sirius needed but it was hard. Remus was scared. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to help, he just wanted Sirius to be awake again. He wanted him to get better again, he wanted answers, he wanted Sirius to be safe. Remus wasn’t one to cry, he hadn’t been for a long time, but the grief of the situation weighed on him. When it was just Sirius and him alone in their curtained section of the emergency room, Remus sobbed quietly. His tears ran down his cheeks, down the pale bony hand clutching to Remus’s pressed at his lips. Remus wasn’t a religious man but he prayed to any deity that could hear him that Sirius get better, that Sirius stay safe. He wished the rock in his stomach away, but all his wishing did was make it bigger.

A nurse came to visit them shortly before Mr. & Mrs. Potter arrived. “Good evening.”

“Good evening.” Remus replied, lowering his hand and wiping his cheeks. “Is everything alright?”

“We need to move him.”

“What for?” Remus asked, suddenly feeling more mobilized than he had just moments before.

“Tests.” The healer replied. “Then observation.”

“I can come with?” Remus replied.

“I’m sorry, but that won’t be possible.”

Remus felt a sharp sensation stab through his chest, he felt his hand grip Sirius’s tighter, he didn’t have a good feeling about this. “Then we’re not moving.”

“The doctor ordered these, we need to..”

“No!” Remus interjected.

“What’s going on?” Effie asked as she approached their station with Fleamont not far behind her.

“We need to take your son up for some tests.” The nurse replied.

“They won’t let me come.” Remus added.

Effie’s face fell, she turned towards the nurse and then towards Remus. She turned back towards the nurse.

“Which tests would they be?”

“We’d like to get a few scans to see if we can determine his brain activity. We’d like to explore the idea of magical wounds as well. They don’t leave the same type of scarring as the scans he had done earlier detect.”

Effie nodded. “And he has to do this alone?” She questioned.

“This boy…..he’s a friend?” The nurse asked. “He wouldn’t be allowed to accompany, no.”

“That’s bullshit!” Remus retaliated.

“Remus!” Effie responded, putting Remus in his place for the second time that day.

Remus looked down to apologize. In that split moment of silence, the most extraordinary thing happened.

“Moony.” The voice was quiet, it cracked halfway through, but it was distinct. It was coming from the bed beside him. The conversation suddenly had no weight to Remus anymore because Sirius had just talked, he had just said something other than no and I’m sorry and he had asked for Moony. Remus turned all of his attention to the boy in the bed.

His eyes were slits, barely open and unfocused but they looked for Remus’s eyes. His hand squeezed the other’s, Remus squeezed back.

“Hey” Remus whispered, leaning in towards Sirius so that he was closer and easier to see. “It’s good to see you.”

Sirius’s face twitched into a smile as Remus’s face came into his vision. Tears sprang to his eyes, Sirius choked back a sob. Remus had forgotten all about the argument he’d been having with the nurse, the only thing that mattered right now was that Sirius was calling for him.

“Hey now, it’s alright.” Remus shushed, wiping away Sirius’s tears with his free hand. “You’re going to be just fine. I’m right here. Moony’s here.”

Outside of the curtain room that held Sirius’s hospital cot, the Potters and the nurse continued the conversation. Remus didn’t listen to what they had to say and those outside of the curtain didn’t listen to what Remus was saying to Sirius. Sirius didn’t say any more, not for a while. He listened to Remus’s words of comfort, but he wasn’t entirely comforted, not yet.

“Mum” Sirius whimpered.

The room inside their curtain seemed to still. Had Remus just heard Sirius say two words? Two words that he could be pretty certain weren’t from a memory or place of terror, two words of functional communication.

The world outside of the curtain hadn’t heard Sirius, not the first time. Remus did his best to comfort the other. He told Sirius that she was just outside the curtain, that he was alright, that everything would be okay.

“Mummy?” Sirius cried a bit louder. Again, the world inside the curtain seemed to still. This time, the world outside it slowed a bit too. Euphemia Potter poked her head in through the curtain’s divide.

“Did he just ask for a Mum?”

Remus nodded. He scooted to the side as Effie paused her conversation with the nurse and came to Sirius’s bedside.

“Oh, love. Mummy’s here. You’re alright, my boy.”

Once again, Sirius burst into tears. Remus held Sirius’s hand tighter, he brought it back up to his lips and tried to soothe. Effie brushed away the tears this time and shushed Sirius.

“It’s okay.” She promised. “We are going to take good care of you. You have nothing to cry about.”

The two of them continued to calm and propitiate Sirius, doing what they could to keep him from overexerting himself. He didn’t fuss or move, he just sobbed. Remus couldn’t tell if he was sad or scared or relieved. Perhaps he was all three. Then, Sirius spoke his third word into existence.

“Home.” His voice was raspy, it was just barely a whisper but both Remus and Effie heard it.

“You want to go home, beta?” Euphemia asked.

Sirius didn’t speak again but he did squeeze Remus’s hand. Once for Yes.

“Yeah. Today has been a lot.” Remus continued.

Mrs. Potter agreed. No part of her disagreed with Remus’s statement. Still, they had very few answers and these tests could be good, they could help them find more clues.

“He needs a lot of help.” Effie replied warily.

“He’s not going to do well here.” Remus promised. “Not if they make him stay, not if they take him up to the memory ward.” His words were rushed but heavy, there was a certain degree of urgency in what he was saying. Remus couldn’t explain how he understood Sirius’s terror about these hospitals just yet, but he couldn’t get that doctor’s voice out of his mind.

Mrs. Potter wanted to ask more, she almost did, but Remus cut her off.

“I can’t explain myself, not yet. But….I need you to trust me with this. Please.”

Remus had been an instrumental help with Sirius, the two of them clearly had an important bond in this. Sirius hadn’t thrown Remus when he’d thrown everybody else and she could see how strongly Remus felt about this. She was worried, but she decided to trust Remus as best she could.

“Alright.” She sighed, turning to Sirius. “We can go home. Just let me talk with the doctors.”

It was still several hours before they were allowed to go home. The sun was setting in the sky and Sirius was no more lucid than he had been most of the day. They were allowed to go home, though, with a few dozen vials of prescription health potions and one bottle of tablets and the explicit instructions that if anything abnormal happened they come in again. Sirius needed to keep eating, they would check-in with the Potters in a week to see if his weight had fluctuated any. Fleamont and Euphemia had to spend hours arguing with a case worker about getting protections for Sirius, about getting guardianship, warding him from the family that did this. Eventually, though, they made it home.

“I can watch him for a moment, you get changed now.” Mrs. Potter said as she took over holding onto Sirius’s hands and talking to him to keep him grounded. He had been lucid enough to be helped up the stairs, he hadn’t fallen asleep yet. Remus was hesitant to leave Sirius, but Mrs. Potter looked almost insistent. Remus obliged.

He was quick to pop into James’s room. He grabbed his toiletries and some pajamas from his bag before heading to the bathroom between the two bedrooms. Remus brushed his teeth with a ferocity he’d never done before. He was quick, but he’d be damned if plaque was going to fight him today. He scrubbed until hurt, he scrubbed until his gums were bleeding. He wanted it to hurt, he needed it to hurt. He needed to hurt because Sirius was hurt, and neither of them deserved to be hurting alone any longer.

Remus declined a shower, thinking that would take too much time to complete. Sirius needed him. Instead, Remus filled up the sink basin with cold water. He washed his face, hoping that the cold would help. It did, he supposed, but not enough. Remus still felt unsettled, he still felt too busy, too angry. He didn’t know what this feeling was, he felt like he was going to explode. Remus waited until the sink was nearly full. He looked at his reflection, he took a deep breath, he gripped the side of the sink, he ducked his head under the water and screamed. He screamed until all of the air was out of his lungs, until the fire in his stomach felt slightly more dampened.

Remus gasped as he pulled his head from the cool pool of water. His chest heaved over the basin as he steadied himself and looked at his reflection, all red glassy eyes and dripping with worry. He took another gulping breath and plunged back in.

The second plunge under the icy tap helped. The water running along the back of his neck sent a shock down his spine, the air in his lungs was cold and sharp. He wasn’t sure if it helped to the degree he’d hoped for, Remus had been less coordinated on the second pull up and hit the back of his head on the faucet. He rubbed at the sore spot while looking down at the sink and the puddle he’d caused by flooding it just now.

Remus had pulled one towel for himself before coming into bathroom, Remus wrapped his hair in it and rubbed until it was fluffier and drier. He then used the towel to sop up as much of the water he’d spilled as possible. He hung the towel over the shower rod and sighed. Remus pulled his sleep shirt over himself and headed back towards the bedroom.

Mrs. Potter was doing a good job of keeping Sirius distracted. Her hand stayed wrapped with his, her words calm and soothing and constant. She described what Remus was doing, she reassured Sirius that he was safe, she brushed his hair back and reminded him who she was and where they were. That didn’t keep Sirius from worrying, though. That didn’t keep him from letting out the slowest, saddest, most pathetic whine as he realized Remus had sat down next to him again.

As if Remus’s heart hadn’t broken a million times today, it absolutely shattered upon hearing the sound.

“Come on now, it’s alright.” Remus promised as he let Sirius find his hand and fall into him. Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius and rubbed his shoulder. He felt the ferocity with which Sirius’s hand balled itself up and clung to the fabric of Remus’s shirt. “No tears, come on. We’ve had enough of those today. I’m right here, I came right back.” The anger that had been buzzing through him minutes before had turned to viscous cool concern at the sight of the other. Today had taken its toll on everyone, but Remus found that he’d take all of that heartbreak over again if it could save this Sirius from any more pain.

“Lets lie down now, get some sleep.” Remus allowed Sirius to curl into him, he pressed his lips to Sirius’s forehead. With Mrs. Potter’s help, the two of them shuffled back against the headboard.

“Does he have any medications he needs to take tonight?” Remus asked. He’d been more focused on Sirius while the doctors were reviewing his discharge plan.

Mrs. Potter smiled and shook her head. “No, he took them before we came home. Now he just needs to rest. So do you.” She gave Remus a knowing, motherly look.

Remus hummed. He was fine. He was laying down now, he would be fine for the rest of the night. “I’m doing fine.” Remus promised the mother.

Effie pursed her lips, she sighed. She was going to bring this up now. “I saw you limping.”

Remus frowned. “An old injury, I’ll be alright.”

“Do you need your cane?”

Remus knew what she was getting at. Concern ran through him and warmed his veins. “Please don’t write my mother. She’ll worry. She’s already worried.”

“Of course she is, she’s your mother. It’s what good mothers do.” Effie confirmed, trying to lighten the mood.

“I don’t want her to worry any more. I don’t want her to ask for me to come home.”

It was Mrs. Potter’s turn to frown. “Would you be in less pain if you had your cane?”

Remus stayed quiet. She sounded like James did after moons when Remus already looked sickly enough and didn’t want to draw any more attention to himself. It was almost funny to know that when Remus jokingly called his friend Mom that he actually was being much like his mother.

Mrs. Potter sighed when Remus didn’t respond. “Do you need anything else tonight?” She asked.

Remus shook his head. “No, I’m alright. I’ll fall asleep once he’s out.” Remus promised.

Sirius yawned, surely it wouldn’t be that long. Effie smiled at him, she messed both her and Sirius’s hair before wishing them goodnight and heading downstairs.

Remus turned to Sirius, looking down at the man clinging to him. Sirius’s head rested along Remus’s chest, his arms wrapped tightly around his torso. Remus stroked his hand lightly down Sirius’s cheek, he thought about how he could calm Sirius enough to get him to rest. Remus remembered the first night the two of them shared a bed together, back on their first night in the castle when they were both young and afraid.

“Once upon a time there was a boy named Jack,” Remus began, his voice low and quiet and even. “and this is the story about how his cow, some beans, and sheer dumb luck turned an ordinary trip to the market into an extraordinarily large adventure….”