Like a Moth to Flame

Time had been slipping from Sirius for a while. Ever since Doctor started fine tuning his memories; past, present, and future stopped having as strict of boundaries as they once had. Even when in the present moment, Sirius didn’t really feel that he was part of reality. His body was no longer his, it hadn’t been for a while. He only had pieces of his mind left. Tucked away, deeply in the dark dark middle lay the memories worth fighting for, but he didn’t dare access those. It was dangerous to think about them, thinking about them made it easier for the doctor to find. Sirius learned to push away all the good things, willing them to be forgotten until it was safe.

Sirius Black did not know where he was, so he was not ever quite sure if he was safe. He was in the in-between, the foggy ether between awake and asleep. He wondered for the longest time if that was death, or purgatory. He wasn’t too sure he could be conscious in either, but the old epics and philosophic books he’d been forced to read as a child played in his mind. He thought about the inferno, about purgatorio. He thought of the layers of Hell. If this was the afterlife, surely that’s where he’d be. Which circle would he be in?

He hadn’t remembered a level of hell where his life was played back to him, but that seemed to be the layer Sirius was stuck in.

He could see his friends. He could see his Moony. He could feel the muscles from his back tear, blood dripping from open wounds. He could see the face of a monster, but the more he looked the harder it became to discern. Was it man or wolf? And if it was man, who was behind the mask? Was it Moony, was it Doctor, or was it Sirius himself?

Still, Sirius bled. Still, Sirius wept. He wasn’t sure if any bit of this was real or not.

“Shh now.” Sirius could smell the fresh linen underneath him; it was fresh, but it was not his own. Hands ran along his back, sending a lighting pulse of heat throughout him. His head felt as though it may crack in half, right down the center of his brain. If Sirius had control of his body, he would have winced, but his body had not been his own for a while. He wasn’t sure if he moved or not.

”It’s alright. You’re okay, darling.” The word choice wasn’t quite accurate for it to be Doctor Hemlock cleaning him, but that’s who’s voice Sirius heard. “We’ll get you all cleaned up and fresh. Won’t that feel nice?”

This bed is not his own, he is not at Grimmauld Place, but the voice is distinctly the doctor’s.

A bandage is pulled off from his back, exposing his wound to air. Sirius cried out as best he could, though that only resolves with more of a headache. ”That’s a nasty one.” the voice said again. ”What happened to you?”

Sirius shuddered to think about what happened to him. He didn’t want to remember. The pain comes a third time, this time at least giving Sirius the relief of unconsciousness.

The next time Sirius wakes, he’s wrapped up in bed sheets. Nothing too heavy or too sticky, but soft cotton loosely swaddled him. There was a small knock and a shuffling from the door. The room wasn’t yet freezing, this might be the past. This might be the present, Sirius wasn’t too sure how to tell.

His eyes don’t open, but Sirius can imagine Kreacher shuffling into his room with his meal allowance: cold porridge.

“Are these your leftovers?” Sirius asked the house elf as Kreacher ignored him and set the tray up on Sirius’s nightstand.

“Don’t ignore me, elf. I am still your master.” his attempt at authority didn’t work. Sirius looked at the meal, then at the elf, then back at the pathetic excuse of a dinner once more. “Do you know when I’ll be allowed back down?”

Kreacher looked away from Sirius. Sirius looked closely at the house elf, he could make out the faintest shake of the head. No.

“Will I ever get anything other than slop?” A shrug of the shoulders, an ‘I don’t know’. “Is this going to make me sick again?” Sirius asked.

The door slammed behind the house elf as he left without another indication. Sirius didn’t eat his meal. He didn’t eat many of his meals.

His head ached again. Everything turned black but Sirius could feel himself spinning, tumbling through the darkness.

The call for food came again some time later. This time Kreacher was less subdued.

“You need to eat.” The voice wasn’t Kreacher’s. It was lighter, and more caring. It had a lilt unlike anyone at Grimmauld Place. The thin bony hand dipped its fingers into the porridge and stirred. Porridge covered fingers forced their way up to Sirius’s mouth, he did his best to hold his lips firmly closed. “Come on, love. It’s good for you.”

The finger pressed into his mouth and Sirius was transported from his bedroom to the root cellar. He was coughing, retching. Another finger pressed down his mouth and into his throat. Sirius’s throat already felt raw, but his stomach heaved another time as he vomited watery bile and orange chunks of raw carrot onto the floor.

“Caught stealing from the evening’s grocery” the doctor’s voice said, reporting it to somebody. Mother, perhaps. “You really need to have a tighter hand on him. How was he allowed to get down here unnoticed?”

There was a slap across his cheek. Sirius coughed again. Everything quickly faded to black.

There was distant talking. Sirius couldn’t make out what any of it meant, but there was talking. Talking to him. Sirius knew he was in bed, but he couldn’t place whose bed he was in. The sheets weren’t fresh like before, but they were warmer than he was used to having at Grimmauld Place. The talking was steady, consistent. Maybe it was Regulus. He didn’t really visit, not during the day. Sirius thought he could hear Reg visit him in the night sometimes. Perhaps that’s what this was, one of his visits. Sirius was usually too incapacitated to remember if the visits were real or just dreams. It was safer to dream about Regulus than it was Remus.

“Do you think curse breakers take house calls?”

Curse breakers? Why would they need a curse breaker? Sirius tried to lift his head, to look at the person speaking to him. Was Regulus poorly? Was Sirius? Who was in danger, and why was his brother concerned? His body was like lead, though, and Sirius had to fight it to move.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius tried to ask, but he didn’t get an answer. Sirius continued to try and struggle. He could hear the doctor approaching. His footsteps were always so deliberate.

“Sirius, can you hear me?” There was a hand cupping his cheek, pulling the skin under his eye down and stilling him into place. Sirius was forced to look into the sweaty face of Doctor Hemlock. He tried to protest, but he was exhausted. The doctor sighed. “Such little stamina. I would have thought you would have learned to be grateful for what you have by now, but evidently you’ve chosen to continued to be a petulant, idiotic disappointment.”

The doctor’s finger’s snapped. “A strongly sugared tea, please. I didn’t make it all the way out here for nothing. Young Master Black will need his energy for today’s lesson.”

Sirius didn’t want to remember what that day’s lesson was about.

“Homosexuality isn’t something you need to concern yourself with right now, Mrs. Black.” The voice behind the door was the doctor’s. Sirius lay on the cold floor behind it, the world fuzzy and dull following that day’s lesson. Doctor Eustis Hemlock had managed to recover the memories of Sirius’s first kiss. He’d uncovered bits of a few parties Sirius had experimented at, saw the first blow job Sirius ever given.

“In fact, I’ve reason to believe he’s well on his way to recovering from this illness.” The doctor continued. Sirius sobbed in the room next door. His head ached too much for him to hear the doctor explain that Sirius had manged to blur out the face of any of the men in his memories. Names were obscured, only the most intimate sensations was the doctor able to explore upon. It was a sign he was ready to heal, the doctor explained, a warming comfort to an otherwise irate Walburga Black. All Sirius could feel was cold loneliness and despair.

“Hey, it’s okay.” The voice was close, it was concerned, and it was comforting. “You’re safe. It’s me, James. Your best mate?”

James? Oh, Sirius could sob hearing that name. How had James gotten here? Were they in the future now? Was he in heaven? Sirius hadn’t thought he’d ever hear from his friends again, but he was so glad to hear James’s name. James was safe, he was always safe.

“Don’t call me Mother you wretched, filthy, mudwalllower. I am tired of you constantly staining our good name with your nonsense!” His mother’s voice seeped into his conscious unannounced. Sirius could remember how it felt to be thrown into the wall.

“Hey, shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay.” That was James again. James was safe, James would get him out of here, surely. Sirius just had to cling to the good. He felt his body movie and he clung to the movement. James would get him out of here. James would keep him safe.

“Yeah, you’re okay. Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?” It was James again. James was staying!

“Please don’t go.” Sirius begged. He did his best to cling to James, to his hope of salvation. He would die trying to cling onto the good pieces. It was better than the memories, it was better than the darkness. It took so much energy, though. He did his best to hold on for as long as he could, but it wasn’t long before he was slipping back into unconsciousness, back into the dark.

Once into the dark, time ceased to exist. Sirius may not exist while in the dark either, it was difficult to tell. Nothing existed, until it did. No time could have passed at all, or all the time in the world. Sometimes he was in the past, sometimes the future. It was always hard to tell if he was living in memories, or if the doctor was changing them. It was as struggle to tell if he was existing or being consumed.

The room was cold. It was always cold, it hadn’t been warm in a long time. It was dark, whether that be because he was in the cellar or because his eye was swollen shut Sirius couldn’t tell. Doctor Hemlock’s shoes clicked across the hard floor, away from where Sirius’s body lay. He grabbed a log and threw it in the hearth. His wand emitted a flame, Sirius did not hear the incantation. Slowly, it became less cold. Sirius’s body still trembled, but it did not freeze.

“You did very well, my boy.” The doctor praised after a long, long silence.

Sirius felt his stomach churn, he wasn’t sure if he was reassured or revolted.

“A breakthrough, that’s what I’ll tell your mother. She’ll be so proud.” Hemlock continued on.

His head was throbbing. Sirius focused on trying to remember what had just happened.

The heels of the doctor clicked on rhythmically as he paced the length of the fireplace. “I shall come back as soon as I can for another round of treatments. You’ve been so good, Sirius. So obedient. Fantastic work, really.”

It was the nicest thing anyone had said to Sirius possibly ever. He choked, unsure if he was sobbing or retching.

“Oh” The doctor tisked. “None of that now, come on.” The heels clacked from the warm fireplace to Sirius’s body and picked him up. The world spun. Maybe time stopped again, maybe it didn’t. The next thing Sirius remembered was a cup of highly sweetened tea being pressed to his lips. It was too sweet, unnaturally sweet, disgustingly sweet. Sugar hadn’t sweetened this, Sirius wondered what had.

“For your strength” The doctor praised as Sirius obediently drank. There was a good chance it would make him sick later, Sirius knew this as he drank his fill. Still, he does as he’s asked and he listens.

“Next time I see you, perhaps we’ll find out who Moony is, hmm?”

Whether or not that drink made him sick or not, Sirius didn’t remember. He was flung from that memory and thrown to another time he’d made progress in therapy.

Where they had managed to find a cot, Sirius never knew. It wasn’t new by any means, it was a little damp and rather old, but he’d never once seen it before. There were sheets draped over it to protect the mattress, as if Sirius was the offense and not the damp rot growing between the springs. He was constrained to the mattress, though not by any visible measure. Sirius writhed in place. Inside him was a deep sickness. As if a leviathan itself was growing in his stomach, Sirius sweat and shiver with its anticipation. The doctor sat behind him, in front of Sirius were a series of images. The first was of two men, innocently standing by each other and smiling.

“You had friends, right Sirius?”The doctor asked. “You’ve looked at them like that, they’ve looked at you…...perfectly friendly, perfectly innocent.”

The doctor had already gotten a grip on Sirius’s mind. It was monstrous, his plot. Distract Sirius from multiple points, weaken his ability to defend against the information Doctor was fishing for. Show him images related to the material he wanted, prompt it to mind, but give Sirius an emetic before hand so he becomes averse to the stimuli at the same time. Attack from all angles.

Sirius’s stomach churned, drool dripped from his lips and pooled onto the sheet below him. The next image hovered in front of him was of the two men, closer this time. Their hands weren’t entirely holding, but one was placed atop the other as the two were looking deeply in each other’s eyes.

“You grow close, quite close with one, or a few.”

The image changed and the two men’s foreheads were touching. Their hands had moved from holding each other to holding the other’s bums. The men were kissing. Sirius’s stomach rolled. He gagged and was sick over the side of the bed.

“Good man.” The doctor praised, petting Sirius’s matted hair back. “Close gets closer than close. You two feel a connection.”

Sirius could remember last year’s winter party in Gryffindor Tower, after exams but before the winter holiday. He remembered the common room, the drinks, the dancing and the dark corner he and Moony fell into while looking for some mistletoe. Sirius was sick once more. Don’t think about Remus.

“You two become intimate” The doctor narrated. Sirius could feel a hand on his ass, he couldn’t tell if it was the memory of Remus’s or the doctor’s in real time. What even was time anymore? The image in front of him changed again. This time the first man was helping the other out of his clothes. His shirt was unbuttoned, his tie was playfully being pulled at. “You two explored each other’s bodies. You formed an emotional connection, perhaps.”

Sirius writhed in place. His chest hurt, his stomach felt like it was going to tear. He heaved again. He wasn’t even sure if he had enough food in him to be sick any further, but he heard a splatter and praise. The doctor was stroking back his hair, almost like how Remus would when Sirius was having a bad day. Don’t think about Remus.

“It’s alright, my dear. It was a mistake, we all make mistakes in our youth. What’s important is that we can correct our mistakes.”

Sirius sobbed.

“He doesn’t want you anyway, does he? Because he knows you, he knows where you belong. You’re pure, Sirius, better than the rest of them. You know that, I know that, everyone knows that so why are you fighting? I know you want help. But in order for me to help you, I need to know more. Why don’t you show me this boy’s pretty little face, hmm? Then we can get over him together.”

Don’t think about Remus. Don’t think about Remus. DON’T THINK ABOUT REMUS.

Sirius clenched his jaw, he closed his eyes, he concentrated hard on the little box he put all his good memories away in. He worked on fortifying it, covering it in steel and layers of protection. He imagined a dragon atop it, and dozens of chains. Nobody was going to get through to those memories, Sirius would be damned if he let anyone get at Remus again. He did everything he could to push the doctor out of his memory. He hoped that he’d been successful, for he’d pushed himself out of the memory too. Sirius didn’t remember what had happened after that, but he remembered another instance with the doctor. He remembered the time he nearly did crack, the appointment he’d had with the doctor that had made his mother so cross.

Sirius black remembered Remus to the best of his ability. He remembered loving Remus, he remembered the first time he admitted to loving Remus.

He exposed the doctor to Moony.

Sirius was sitting in his father’s study, though the lights were off and the fireplace was not lit. He knew he was in his father’s study because of the chair he was sitting in. The leather chair was reserved for Sirius, his wrists and ankles magically bound to the oak legs and accents up along the arms. The cold sweat dripping down his spine and lingering nausea let Sirius know that he had just come from another session of the doctor inside his mind. Sirius’s eyes were barely open and what he could see was fuzzy. He tried to open his eyes more. He blinked. The doctor was staring straight at him only a few inches away.

“Moony” He grinned.

Sirius felt his heart drop into his stomach.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Sirius spoke. He was bluffing, but he hoped the shock of hearing his voice would be convincing enough. Had he really let the doctor see Moony? Had all of his work, all the energy he put into keeping Moony as safe as possible, was it for naught? Sirius would fight until the ends of the earth for Remus, but had he really let himself slip and endanger the other again?

All Sirius could hear was the clicking of the doctor’s heals against the floor followed by deep, menacing laughter.

“It speaks!” He quipped. Sirius tracked the man’s movements through sound, but his head couldn’t turn to see the other pacing. “My, my, this really is a breakthrough. What progress we’ve made here toady.”

Sirius wanted to scream. He wanted to fight. He wanted to sob. He wanted to devour anything that dare try to get to Remus. He couldn’t move.

“Oh do calm down, no need for all that fussing.” The doctor continued. Despite Sirius’s inability to move from his seat, the doctor could sense how hard he was trying. He was the one sustaining the magical binds, after all. “You’ve done so well today, you deserve some freedoms.”

Sirius’s restraints were released, he fell from the chair quite unceremoniously. There was a ringing in his ear, a throbbing in his jaw. He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. Everything was fuzzy. Sirius had his freedom, but he couldn’t do anything with it. He faded in and out of consciousness while laying on that floor. He’d been here before, he’d done this already. He heard the doctor’s shoes, he flinched as a log was thrown into the hearth. He felt the warmth start to fill the room behind him, he heard the doctor’s voice.

“You did very well, my boy….”

Sirius awoke with a jolt, his throat raw with Remus’s name still inside of it. He felt like he was choking, his heart was about to beat out of his chest. He was cold, so cold, and it was dark. He didn’t know where he was, or what he was other than that he was a disappointment and a traitor.

“Mom! Dad!” Sirius flinched at the idea of his parents showing up right now. His heart began beating even stronger. Sirius heaved and choked and struggled for air but his lungs couldn't seem to get enough. He felt woozy, close to unconsciousness but the world wasn’t quite dark enough-just fuzzy. Sirius pitched forward. He was caught, his head was placed against a shoulder.

“It’s okay! It’s okay! It was just a dream. You’re okay.”

How was he okay? He’d just revealed Moony to Doctor Hemlock. Even worse, he’d shown the doctor that he loved Moony. Sirius could still feel the sting of the doctor’s instruments, he could feel the warmth of the fire against his back. He could remember what it felt like to hold Remus. Sirius’s whole body shuddered. It wasn’t a dream, it was a memory.

“Breathe, love.”

He was trying, oh god was he trying. But how could he when there was so much danger? Remus was in danger! He had put Remus in danger, and who knew where he was or if he was okay right now?! And Sirius was powerless to find him or defend him. All he did was ruin things, all he was good at was destroying and hurting people. How many more times could he hurt Remus? Break his trust?

“In and out, just like that.”

He felt like he was being ripped in two. He deserved to be ripped in two. His muscles tensed, he coughed. The gentle reassurances continued. Sirius struggled, but the reassurances stayed. He felt his hand get taken, his fingers uncurled from the fist they were stuck in and pressed against a chest. Slowly, Sirius became aware that he was leaning against James. He was with the Potters, he wasn’t back at home. He still didn’t know about where Remus was or what condition he was in, but eventually Sirius’s body began to slow. He didn’t close his eyes, though. Sirius was afraid that if he closed his eyes, he’d be transported back to Grimmauld Place.

“Is he asleep?”

Sirius felt James move, he could see his friend peeking down at him.

“I don’t think so.”

Sitting up was painful. Sirius’s head spun and his neck ached with the weight supporting everything above his shoulders. The room was brighter now, the lamp had been turned on. It hurt Sirius’s eyes, it increased the amount of shadows that could dance around a room. He didn’t fight it, though. He didn’t want it to be dark. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes, he’d be taken back to the doctor.

It was hard to remember that he was in the Potter’s house sometimes. Every creak the house made had Sirius looking for its source, as if the doctor or his mother was going to come popping out. There was always some sort of other sound he could focus on. Sometimes he could pick up bits of James talking to him. He would know it was James because James would remind him, or he’d say something so ridiculous it couldn’t have been anybody else.

They tried to get him to eat. It was hardest to remember he was at the Potters’ then.

“Go on, try it.” Sirius could sense the warm cup being brought up to his mouth. He looked down at it, he could smell it. It was sweet. His lips stayed firmly shut. The sweeter the drink, the more they were trying to hide from him. Sirius knew their tricks. He also knew that the longer he tried to hold out, the more forceful they would get. Still, he held firm.

“It’s alright. It’s sweet milk. Milk and honey and cinnamon.”

Sirius wasn’t convinced.

“Here, you drink it. Like this” Sirius’s gaze didn’t turn from the cup, but he knew that the other was showing him how to drink from it. Strange, Sirius thought. The doctor never showed him how to drink, he just forced it to happen if Sirius took long enough to make a decision.

“Maybe he needs some time.” That was even stranger, Sirius thought. Nobody ever gave him time, or space.

Sirius watched his mug, making sure nobody took it or slipped anything into it. He made sure it didn’t bubble or fizz in a weird way. He wanted to make sure it was safe. Even if it showed no signs of being contaminated, he couldn’t be sure it wasn’t. Still, he watched it to make sure it was.

James continued to sip from his mug. He made comments about how good it was. It was clear that James wanted him to drink some of this but Sirius couldn’t figure out what his motive was. Would James have a motive? He wouldn’t be this insistent if he didn’t. It was hard to tell that it was even James every time. Sometimes, if he blinked or lost focus, it was Regulus. The person beside him sipped more from his mug. After many moments, that same mug was pressed to Sirius’s lips.

Sirius was thirsty. His lips were cracked and chapped and his mouth dry. He’d never seen the doctor try any of Sirius’s teas before. If James could trust the drink, maybe Sirius could too. He dared to take a sip. It was sweet, so super sweet, but not chemically so. He took one sip, that was enough. He’d wait and see if anything happened.

“Good, isn’t it?”

Sirius couldn’t agree, but James didn’t know that. He seemed invigorated by it. If James wanted to believe that Sirius liked the warm milk, Sirius couldn’t stop him. He wouldn’t, even if he could.

Sirius did his best to stay awake, to stay upright. He was given a blanket, wrapped around his front to keep him from shaking. He hadn’t even realized he was shaking until someone said something about it. Sometimes he was sitting in bed with the Potters, others he would blink and he was back at home. Sometimes, if he was lucky, he’d open his eyes and be back at Hogwarts with friends that loved him.

The cold cloth to his face reminded him of Kreacher, the comb and braid through his hair reminded him of Regulus. Sirius remembered watching James drink his water. Sirius took a few sips after that. He really was thirsty, but anything more than a few sips made him nervous. It was difficult to stay present with the Potters.

The room was nice, though. Sirius was accustomed to the guest room, he’d stayed with James before. But the bed was pushed to the corner now, they could sit up and look out the far window. Sirius watched the Moon as it danced through the night sky. It wasn’t full, it was waning. He’d missed the full. He wondered how much time had passed. He wondered if Remus was okay.

He’d watch the moon in his cold room in Grimmauld Place as well. He’d track the moons, try and see the stars. He wasn’t allowed to open his windows but nobody had nailed the curtains shut. He’d at least one freedom while he was there. It was just enough to remind him of Remus. Even if he’d lost out on ever befriending the other again, he still worried. He worried so much about Remus. Sirius couldn’t trust himself, he knew his family was evil and he wasn’t sure he was capable enough to protect him. He’d rather die than hurt Remus again, and he may end up with that fate.

Remus watched the moon and he shook. He wasn’t religious by any means, but he prayed that if there was any sort of god out there, that they keep his Moony safe. Deep down, nothing else mattered.

He was choking. Sirius had gotten so far into his head that he hadn’t realized he was choking. He had been thinking about Remus, what had he just done?! What information had he given up now? Sirius opened his eyes, he flailed. His hands connected with the bodies around him. He wasn’t sure what they were doing, why there were hands up to his face. Surely, they were there with malice. He stumbled backwards, falling onto the floor.

His head hurt, his butt hurt. Sirius looked up at the others opposite him, he felt a wetness dripping down his face. His hand rose to just above his lip and he startled when he pulled his hand back and saw it was stained red. Sirius felt an electric jolt down his spine. What had happened? He couldn’t tell if it was abuse or disease, perhaps it was the sweet drink he’d had earlier. How much time had passed since then? Sirius pushed himself up with arms too weak to support his weight. He stumbled away from the people nearest him and down the hall. He didn’t make it far.

The tile of the bathroom was cold. It was a shock to his skin, but a relief after a moment. Sirius looked down at the tile, it was splattered with blood. His blood. He had to stop the bleeding, he couldn’t continue to watch it pool. He pried himself up by the basin of the sink. His feet were on shaky ground, but with his hands white knuckling the porcelain he was managing. He coughed, blood spat in the sink. Sirius made the mistake of looking up and ahead.

Time came and went again. Sirius didn’t really exist for….he didn’t know how long. Sometimes he would hear voices. It was hard to make out what they said most of the time. If they were real or memories or radio, he wasn’t ever terribly sure. Once or twice he felt someone touch his back. Was it Mrs. Potter or was it Kreacher tending his wounds? Or was it Remus, checking to make sure he was actually sleeping after a bad day? He couldn’t move, he couldn’t get up. Whatever he remembered he was destined to remember, whatever he was to relive he was to relive.

And that’s not to say that he relived much. He was incredibly exhausted and he had very little energy. He did plenty of sleeping while in the darkness. Sleeping without memory was the best.

When Sirius woke up next, he was at James’s house. It took him a while to remember what James’s house felt like. When he first woke, he struggled to open his eyes. He worried he was at Grimmauld Place, but the blankets over him were too thick. Then he wondered if he was at school, but there was someone next to him in bed. Remus? He thought, still half in dream. If Remus was next to him then he knew he was still in a dream. It was only after he managed to work open his eyes did he realize that James had fallen asleep with him.

Sirius watched him sleep. He tried not to blink. He was afraid that if he’d blink, he’d end up back home. If he was going to skip around realities, he wanted to stay in this one for as long as possible. This was the reality where people were usually pretty nice to him.

James had startled when he woke. Perhaps it was Sirius’s staring that startled him. Whatever it was, it woke him up and then James was going. He filled in silences, talked about nothing and everything. Sirius didn’t catch half of it, but he was glad it was there to hold onto. He was helped upright, he was helped into new clothes, he was encouraged to eat but Sirius didn’t yet trust it enough to try. He didn’t feel hungry. He did try a bit of ice cream. He’d thought James had said Ice which Sirius thought would have been nice to suck on and let melt slowly. He was surprised with ice cream. It wasn’t bad, but he didn’t take a second bite. Most of his day he spent staring at the door frame, wondering who was going to come through next.

Sirius was trusted alone for periods of time for the first time. James had gone to get him some dinner while Mr. and Mrs. Potter got dinner ready. He’d been alone for nearly ten minutes by himself. He stayed awake, staring at the door frame, wondering who was going to come through it next. James stayed with him again that night. Sirius tried to close his eyes and fall asleep but he couldn’t, he didn’t want to be taken back to the darkness-back to where the doctor may be lurking.

The smell of pancakes wafted upstairs the next morning. Sirius was left alone again while James went to grab their breakfast. Sirius could hear him chatting to himself as he walked up the stairs. Sirius wasn’t surprised to see James walk through, he was grateful. It was better to be in the room with a person he knew would protect him. He recognized James more readily these days, as he did also with Mrs. Potter. Slowly he was able to hold onto more and more moments in real time. He didn’t feel fully present, but he wasn’t sucked into the past for large portions of the day either. So long as he didn’t close his eyes, Sirius was doing fine.

“Mum made pancakes this morning” James greeted him, as if Sirius hadn’t been told before he went downstairs, and first thing in the morning, and when Mrs. Potter had come to check on them shortly after James woke. It was a good reminder though, even though Sirius could smell it. The chill from the window was slowly starting to creep in memories of his past living arrangement. “They’re good. She put blueberries in them. You like it when she does that.”

They did smell good. He watched as James took a bite. He usually showed Sirius what he wanted from him when Sirius didn’t comply the first time. James made it look so easy. He wasn’t poisoned, he wasn’t sick. Sirius would try a bite.

“Yeah? Good work, mate. They’re good, right?” James sounded so excited he could float. It was so different from the dry, monotone praise he would receive after a punishment. “Do you want another bite?”

Before James could cut another piece to hold to Sirius’s mouth, there was a commotion downstairs. Something had fallen, something stomping around. Someone’s here. Sirius wanted to grasp at James and beg him not to leave, but he couldn’t manage to make his limbs work the right way. Whatever it was down there, Sirius didn’t want to be left alone.

“It’s alright, yeah? I’ll go see what it is.”

Then James was gone. Sirius fought to remember the smell of pancakes, the softness of the bed sheets, he tried to stay grounded to his reality, he honestly did. James went to go see what it was and he hadn’t come back. Sirius was alone, and as brave as he tried to be he was frightened. His lower lip trembled.

There were feet coming up the stairs. Sirius could no longer remember what other people’s footsteps sounded like. There was a soft clicking to them, was the doctor coming? Sirius’s eyes remained plastered to the door.

“Oh, love.” the voice was soft, Sirius focused on the details of the door frame. He couldn’t remember whose door it was. “Everything’s alright. Your friend is here to visit.”

Your friend. Sirius didn’t have any friends, he didn’t deserve any. Who would be coming for him other than the doctor? Sirius felt his whole body stiffen.

More footsteps came up the stairs, but none came to his door frame. Not at first. They stopped down the hall. Things were quiet save for the soft humming that Mrs. Potter used to fill the room and keep Sirius calm. It helped keep him relatively present, but the cold shiver down his spine remained, keeping him tethered to his family’s estate. He didn’t know how much time had passed. Time passed so strangely when left to only oneself. Time started again when he heard the footsteps coming down the hall.

He didn’t recognize the stranger at first. Tall, and shaggy, and limping slightly. He looked tired, he looked upset, he had a scar across his face and a cut upon his upper lip. Sirius knew that scar, he knew that lip. In all of the places he could be right now, he was in a place where Remus Lupin was. Sirius’s eyes widened, they searched the other’s body, they looked up, trying to catch the other’s eyes. He wanted to be able to read the other’s expression, he wanted to know if Remus still hated him or not. Despite himself, Sirius’s face quirked into a smile before he got a confirmation. Foolish of him, really. As his eyes made their way up to Remus’s face, he was met instead with the shaggy mess of his hair. The backside of his hair. Before he could even get a good look at him, Remus was turning away.

Perhaps it was best that he hadn’t gotten a look at Remus’s face, he wouldn’t have to see the look of disappointment, of hatred that surely Sirius deserved. If he tried to think of it, all he could see were distorted blurs. Remus’s face was a mystery to him. He didn’t deserve to remember Remus. He didn’t deserve to have the other come and stay. He doubted he would see Remus again. He’d ruined everything.

Remus was alive, though. He was alive which meant he was safe enough. Remus may never know the danger he faces but Sirius did and for right now, he was safe enough.

Sirius wanted to weep. He didn’t have enough in his body for tears so instead he shook. How many times now had he watched himself loose his Moony? How many more would he have to face?

Remus was all Sirius could think about. The weight of his guilt was crushing. How many times would his Remus leave him? As many times as Sirius hurt him. God, how stupid could Sirius be?! No amount of gentle reassurance or warm blankets could absolve Sirius of his shame.

That’s what this was: shame.

Sirius was ashamed of himself. He didn’t deserve this life. All it was good for was pain, suffering, and destruction.

It was the easy way out, but who cared? Nobody would care, nobody should. What he had done was unforgivable, what he continued to do was punishable. How many times could he keep hurting Remus?

When Mrs. Potter presented a small vial of potion and explained how it would help him feel better, Sirius could care less if she was lying or not. She said it would help him rest, afford him some sleep that he so obviously needed. Even if it was a lie and she was feeding him poison, he wouldn’t mind. Like he said, he didn’t deserve this life. He didn’t protest when she put it up to his lips, he tipped his head back and downed the whole thing.

Sirius didn’t remember much after that point. The world spun, it turned to darkness, Sirius didn’t have to be anything.

When he was unconscious, it was hard to tell how much time had passed. He only realized that he started existing again when the memories came flooding back. He could hear Remus’s voice, he could hear somebody laugh.

“You look ridiculous” Remus chuckled as Sirius danced around their room. He’d managed to get an invitation to a girls night that Lily and Marlene were hosting in their dorm and he was taking it very seriously. David Bowie was playing on the record player and Sirius was trying to style himself appropriately for the evening. He wasn’t entirely sure what would be involved. James was worried Sirius was chosen to be a spy, he’d begged Sirius to put a good word in with Lily for him. Sirius didn’t know what tonight was about but he wanted to pass, he wanted to be invited again. There was a lot riding on this night.

“You don’t like the hair up?” Sirius asked, turning his attention towards the boy sitting at the edge of his bed.

Remus shook his head. When Sirius looked at him, he couldn’t see the other’s face. It looked as though he was a portrait and the artist smeared their hand all over Remus’s face. Just his face.

“Down looks better.”

“But these jeans are good?” Sirius asked, turning rear side towards the mirror and checking out his ass.

“You know how I feel about the jeans.” Remus loved the jeans. Tight around the ass and thighs, flared out at the bottoms just enough that Sirius couldn’t wear anything less than boots with them.

Sirius loved the jeans too. He loved them because Remus loved them. Every time he wore them he caught Remus staring at his nicely supported butt cheeks. Every time he’d worn them to a party (so far), Remus had tried to get them off of the other by night’s end. Most of his attempts had been successful. Sirius loved attention but he loved Remus’s attention most of all.

“I know” Sirius playfully pouted as he strutted towards Remus, jumping up onto the bed and straddling the other. “I just wanted to hear you say it.”

Sirius giggled as he felt Remus’s hands wander down past his hips to support and cup Sirius’s bum. Remus’s face was still just a blur, but Sirius’s chest fluttered with excitement all the same.

“The pants, my darling, are positively delicious.” His voice was low and quiet and sent a shiver up Sirius’s spine. “Are you sure you’d like to go to girls night? You wouldn’t rather spend it with me instead?”

The way Sirius laughed lit up the room. His head flew back and his hair flew wild. He knew what he was doing, he knew he was teasing Moony, but they only got so many moments alone and it was his absolute favorite thing to do.

“I’m coming back to you, aren’t I?” Sirius teased as he wormed his way out of Remus’s lap. He knew both of their faces were warm with blush. “Besides, tonight is important. It’s not often a boy gets invited to girls night.”

Remus signed, his eyes stayed glued to Sirius. “Is that a promise?”

“What, that I’ll get back to you?”

Remus nodded, Sirius couldn’t see his expression but he knew Remus was pouting in his own right.

“Aww, don’t cry Moony.” Sirius continued. “Of course I’m coming back for you. And! If I’m lucky I’ll be coming back with gossip.”

The next thing Sirius remembered was the feeling of Remus’s lips against his own.

That memory was interrupted by Remus’s voice, he was playing chess.

“Knight to E6.” Remus stated firmly.

“Oi! Slippery bastard!” That was James

There was a slight chuckle “You’re not in check yet. Pay attention, you’ve been distracted.”

“This is our what, twentieth game today?”

There was a knocking. Sirius’s skin ran cold. Who was at the door? He thought. Sirius didn’t remember anything until he heard Remus’s voice once more.

”We’ll be back in a bit.” Remus was leaving. Remus had been here? Of course he had, Sirius had just heard him….hadn’t he? Time didn’t seem real, but Remus’s voice did. Remus could be real, why was he leaving?

“Don’t move the board unless you can put Prongs in check, hmm?”

Then he was gone. Sirius didn’t know how he knew Remus was gone, his body was not currently his, but for the first time in ages he wanted it to be. He didn’t want Remus to leave, so he fought the darkness. Sirius pushed, he pushed himself towards Remus. He didn’t know where Remus was, but he was determined to make it to the other.

Don’t move the board unless you can put Prongs in check, hmm? A chess board. Sirius just had to find a chess board. He just had to open his eyes.

He wasn’t sure how he did it. He wasn’t entirely sure he did manage to open his eyes or if he merely jumped to another memory. His head ached, his whole body throbbed. Sirius could feel his muscles pull as he tried to move them. It hurt, he was slow, but he was determined. He was going to get Prongs in check, he was going to find Remus.

He shouldn’t be looking for Remus, Remus was a dangerous topic. Thinking about Remus could get both of them in serious trouble. But he’d already exposed Moony, shown the Doctor how much he cared for him. He was one clever guess away from finding Remus and then who knew what would happen. Sirius needed to get to Remus, he needed to make sure he was safe. He needed to make sure the doctor couldn’t get to him.

Sirius didn’t care how much it hurt or what it would cost him. He’d long since gotten over the idea that his life had any value. All that mattered was Remus.

His joints protested as he pushed himself upright. Sirius’s arms shook, the world spun. Still, he pushed through. He had to find Remus.

Someone was talking to him, or perhaps the radio was on. The voice was muffled but close. Sirius rubbed at his eyes, he heard footsteps leaving. He tried to steady his breathing, he tried remembering that he had lungs. He felt as though he very might well have ownership of his body once more, but it was a fight every moment to keep it so.

There were more footsteps. Sirius wasn’t sure how long it had been. Being present was much like being unconscious only worse. He could have sat there for one minute or fifty and he wouldn’t have known the difference. Instead of nothing, however, there was everything. Everything hurt, Sirius was aware of just how much of everything he had. Every hair and muscle, every cell of his body ached, but he stayed awake because if he fell back asleep he couldn’t find Remus. If he couldn’t find Remus, he couldn’t make sure he was safe.

“Sirius?” He thought he heard his name, but it still sounded muffled. Sirius tried turning towards the sound. He blinked, he rubbed his face in his hands some more. He tried to focus, noting seemed to be in focus. The muffled voice spoke some more. There was another voice in the room, lighter and calmer. Sirius remembered the tone. He tried to turn towards that. His head was splitting.

Sirius tried to rub his head, he tried to breathe and to blink and to concentrate. With nearly all the energy he had, Sirius opened his eyes and willed them to focus. His head was throbbing, making it more difficult to focus each time it did. The room around him was fuzzy, making his eyes work was a chore, but he was doing it. There was someone sitting in front of him, Sirius could see it in his peripheral. He couldn’t get his eyes to move towards it yet.

There were more footsteps. They were less muffled than things were before, Sirius knew they were feet. Then there was someone in front of him, another someone. They took their time but slowly they made their way down to the floor in front of Sirius. Sirius blinked half a dozen times while trying to focus on the person in front of him. They were talking to him, Sirius knew that, but there was a ringing in his ears that was keeping him from understanding. He was worried that the person would disappear each time he closed his eyes, but the person remained.

“Are you in any pain?” There was a hand on his arm, Sirius could feel it. The voice was as clear as day, Sirius knew that voice. Remus was here.

Sirius strained, he struggled, he did everything he could to get his eyes to focus on the other. He found the hemline of his shirt, them the collar, followed by the scars on his neck. He could see Remus’s freckles. He’d almost forgotten that Remus had freckles, how could he have forgotten something so wonderful? Focusing with two eyes was difficult. One of his eyelids drooped lower, he couldn’t go back to the darkness. Not when Remus was so close.

“It’s okay, you’re safe.” Sirius was pretty sure that was James. He remembered James’s voice from earlier, from his other memories. Where was he? How had they all gotten here? Was this real? Or was this a new invention of the doctor’s?

Sirius tried to speak. He didn’t know what to say, but he tried making noise. He continued to try and look upwards.

Freckles, he’d noticed freckles. Next thing he noticed was scar tissue crossing right over his jawline. Then Sirius recognized a lip. A lip! His began beating faster as he realized he could see details of Remus’s face. His existence wasn’t blurred, his image wasn’t hacked at and hidden. Remus was Remus.

Sirius’s eyes moved upwards and met Remus’s, they were filled with concern. Sirius’s lips twitched into a smile. Moony was there, he was complete. That meant he was real, it had to. Sirius was alive and Remus was alive and this wasn’t a dream or a memory.

“Hi” Remus whispered

Sirius’s breath hitched, tears pressed fervently at his tear ducts. The throbbing in his skull subsided, but was replaced by a sharp knife that sliced down the middle of his skull, right next to his eye and made his whole right side ache electrically. Sirius didn’t let the new pain stop him. Remus was complete, Remus was real.

Sirius’s hands shook while he moved them, but slowly and with great concentration, his hand moved. Up and away from his side, Sirius’s pale and bony fingers made their way up to Remus’s face. Sirius felt light stubble peeking from Remus’s cheek, his skin met with Remus’s. Remus was solid, he was real, he was warm.

Next to Remus was James. Sirius could shift his attention, he could see where he was. James was beside him, the Potters’. Sirius collapsed into tears, he had never been so relieved.

Soon there were hands around him, holding him upright and keeping him on the bed. People swarmed around him, keeping him safe and protected and coherent. It was hard to stay present the entire time, Sirius would get confused or turned around sometimes, but every time he looked at Remus he couldn’t help but be comforted knowing he was in the best possible reality.

His hand was always on somebody. If he let his grip slide, his handle on reality began to slide too. If he could feel a solid person with him, he could remember to stay sane. He felt warm hands massage one of his with lotion. He could hear James talking to Remus, he could hear Mrs. Potter humming. His back was pressed against someone’s chest. He blinked, looking around fervently for Remus’s face.

Remus was behind him, it was his chest he was sitting against. Remus smiled at him, Sirius’s chest became less tight. He sighed, he dared to close his eyes, he rested his head against the other, he reminded himself to breathe.

“Are you in pain?” Remus asked. Sirius didn’t think this was the first time he’d asked, but he couldn’t remember. Sirius was in pain, but he was more relieved that Moony as alive.

“I think he is” That was James’s voice.

Sirius heard Remus shush him, he felt a hand brush back some of his hair. His fingers pressed gently against the side of Sirius’s neck and took his pulse.

“Pulse is fast.” Remus reported.

“He’s breathing quickly” James again.

The hands that were massaging life back into his own stopped, giving him a gentle squeeze. “I’ll get a pain potion for him.” Mrs. Potter replied.

Things were quiet for a moment. The chest he was laying on heaved one deep, metered sigh.

“Just breathe” Remus hummed. “You’re alright. Help is on the way.”

Sirius didn’t really know what Remus was talking about but he didn’t care. Remus was there, Remus was real, and to the best of Sirius’s knowledge he was unharmed. Sirius would fight to stay conscious, he would hang onto every word of Remus’s, no matter what he had to say.

James took Sirius’s hand, his thumb ran over the back smoothly. It was nice, it helped Sirius stay present. Sirius craned his head to stay focused on Remus’s face. It hurt, it was hard to focus, but Sirius wanted to absorb in all of the details that he could. It felt like ages since he’d been allowed to really know his face. It took Sirius a long time to realize that the look Remus was giving him was one of concern. Sirius didn’t like that. He did his best to reassure the other, he did his best to smile. He tried to speak, to say anything to Remus to let him know he was alright. The best he could manage was a little grunt.

Soft footsteps came back up the steps. Sirius felt a dip in the bed. He heard the other three talking amungst themselves. Sirius didn’t take his eyes off Remus.

The others murmured to themselves, Sirius couldn’t make sense of many of their words. He was awake, he was spending all his energy on staying awake. Sirius felt himself move. He was sat up, Remus was looking back at him. He had a small bottle in his hand, he raised it up towards Sirius’s lips.

“This is going to make you feel much better very quickly.” Remus murmured.

Sirius’s chest constricted. He wanted to trust Remus, honestly he did, but he didn’t have a good history with others offering him things. His lips stayed closed tightly. He heard a sigh.

“It’s okay, mate” James said “He needs his time. Feeding him isn’t easy.”

Sirius could feel Remus purse his lips into a frown as he thought. He felt their weight shift. He felt a hand stroke his cheek so gently Sirius could melt. Despite the memories of his childhood home lingering in the back of his mind, he trusts this touch. He tried to resist the memories of the doctor.

“I’m here to help you, young one.” The doctor’s voice was quiet, it was very nearly gentle. A steady hand pushed his hair back, Sirius bit his tongue. “Quiet now, the hard part is over for the day. Now it’s time for you to rest. Don’t worry, I’ll care for you.”

“Look at me, Sirius.”

Sirius’s eyes searched around him. It took several seconds for him to find the voice, for him to find Remus. Remus’s face was whole, it was smiling back at him. Sirius was back in the best reality again.

“Hi” Remus’s eyes brightened as they made contact with Sirius’s once more. “This is a pain potion, see? I’m going to try it and show you.”

Sirius watched as Remus took a small sip from the bottle. The muscles in his neck were taut and felt as though they may be ripping, his skin felt clammy, his eyes were raw and sore.

“It will take about a minute. Try and stay with me.”

Sirius clung onto every one of Remus’s words. He watched, he waited to see what happened. He felt as Remus’s body relaxed.

“And I’m already feeling better. Now, I think you’d benefit from the rest. Will you try it?”

The vial was brought back up to his dry lips. Sirius did his best not to fight it. He felt the cold sweat of the doctor’s presence down his spine but he also felt Moony’s chest rise and fall against him. He swallowed down his anxiety and parted his lips. The potion was fed to him slowly, giving him enough time to ensure he didn’t choke. It was bitter, a welcome relief for Sirius as he choked it down before turning and hiding his face in Remus’s chest. Two arms wrapped around him steadily, Remus breathed slowly and evenly.

“You’ll be okay. You’ll feel better soon.”

Sirius trusted Remus. He held onto his words with all of his mite, and just like as promised, Sirius did begin to feel better. There seemed to be a collective sigh shared in the room when Sirius relaxed after the pain potion took effect. Sirius was sure that others were talking about him, but he didn’t hear what they had to say. For a few moments only, it was almost as if the past few months never happened. He was warm and safe in Remus’s arms. For a second, Sirius didn’t have to be scared.

The splitting feeling in his muscles had dulled and the knife in his head was no longer as sharp, the slits across his back were more itchy than they were painful, and the ringing in his ear had gone. The tight, prickly pains in his abdomen, however, remained.

“Are you hungry?” A voice asked him. It was James, Sirius was rather certain. Sirius groaned, but he couldn’t figure out how to make his mouth work. He hadn’t thought about shaking his head.

The weight at the end of the bed changed, Mrs. Potter was standing up. “I’ll make something up for him. It wouldn’t hurt to try.”

Sirius heard her step towards the door before pausing. “James, love. Come with me. You can carry yours and Remus’s dinners up. Neither of you got to eat much.”

The weight of the bed dipped and changed again. Sirius could feel someone climbing over him. He did his best to cling to Remus. He heard two sets of footsteps leave the room, then silence. Sirius could feel Remus’s chest grow as he took a deep breath. He felt it shutter as he let out a sob.

Remus was crying? Sirius did his best to push himself away from Moony, to look at him and his complete face, but as soon as Sirius pulled away Remus straightened up and wiped his face.

“Hey, hi.” Moony whispered, his hands hovering over Sirius’s body as if to spot him in case he fell. His eyes met Sirius’s, he wasn’t looking through him. “It’s good to see you’re awake. You’ve been sleeping for a while.”

Sirius blinked at Moony. He didn’t fully know how to respond. He continued to sit upright and look at the other.

“Thank you for taking that potion.” Remus continued. “It seems like you’re feeling better? James is absolutely elated you’re awake.”

Sirius kept focus on Remus’s face. He’d almost forgotten how much he loved that face. He’d almost forgotten the face entirely. He never wanted to forget it again.

“Do you want to sit up for a bit? Here, we can get you comfortable over here.” Remus started rearranging pillows. He took several from behind his own back and placed them in a slope next to him, in the corner of the bed where the headboard and side met the wall.

Sirius did as Remus guided him to. He heard the words that Remus was saying, but he was hard pressed to connect them to any meaning. They flew in one ear and out the other, but Sirius didn’t have to know what Remus was talking about to know that he was there and he was whole and he was unharmed. Sirius had done a good enough job at keeping Remus protected. He would do whatever Remus asked of him now.

By the time James and his mother returned with dishes of food, Sirius was propped up amongst a pile of pillows in the corner of his bed. A blanket was drawn up around his front, and Remus was sitting beside him slowly stretching out each of his fingers and reminding them they could be straight and unwavering.

“Oh look” Remus prompted, telling Sirius he needed to pay attention to the action happening across the door. “James and Mrs. P are back. They’ve brought us supper to try.”

Sirius didn’t enjoy suppers anymore. He didn’t understand how or why James and Remus sounded so positive about them. At least they weren’t crowded around the same table dancing around formalities. That was nice.

Sirius watched the plates of food that spread around in front of him. James and Remus were both given a bowl. Set over Sirius’s lap was a tray with a glass of water, some juice, rice, yogurt, ripped up pieces of flat bread, and a mug of something warm. Remus took a bite of his meal, Sirius watched as he dabbed at the juice running down his chin. He heard a clattering in front of him, he turned and found James playing with his silverware. He’d dropped the spoon, but was working on picking it up and dipping it into the yogurt.

You petulant child! Sirius heard his mother yell. He was hardly a child, but that didn’t stop her from hurling insults at him just like he was one. His hands weren’t working so great, he’d been forced to scrub the floors for hours yesterday. He was supposed to make layers of dirt in the root cellar shine. He scrubbed until his knuckles had bled. He was in pain, he hadn’t meant to drop his silverware. At least it was only his parents and Regulus, if anyone else had been in attendance Sirius would have gotten a much harsher punishment. Instead, he simply got a spoonful of food shoved into his mouth, making him gag and choke. He was told to fix his composure and not mess up again.

“Try a bite.” James pestered. Was that James, or was the boy sitting next to him Regulus?

Sirius blinked. He looked at the yogurt, he didn’t take a bite.

“Go on now, it’s just yogurt. You don’t even have to chew.”

Sirius wasn’t convinced.

“Give him space, James.” Mrs. Potter chided. “He needs his time, remember. You focus on your meal.”

If Sirius had looked that direction, he would have seen James complying even though he pouted about it. Sirius looked down at the food, he looked back over at Remus’s bowl. He had something different, Sirius could smell it. His stomach churned uncomfortably, knives burrowing their way through his intestines. Sirius could feel multiple pair of eyes on him.

“Are you in pain?” Mrs. Potter asked.

Sirius felt a steady hand on his shoulder, it was Remus. “Breathe”

Sirius could smell the food. It smelled delicious, yet his body betrayed him and Sirius gagged.

“Careful!” Someone warned.

“Shhhhh” Another soothed.

“I’ll get a bin” A third replied.

Sirius breathed, he whimpered as another cramp overtook him.

“Easy now.” A hand was placed on his chest steadying him some. Sirius’s tray was taken away and a bin was replaced in his lap. A glass of water was pressed up to his lips.

“It’s alright.” There was a hand stroking down his back. It sent prickly singles up his spine and out across his back.

Sirius kept his lips pressed tightly.

“Just a sip. Whatever happens, it will help.” The glass was pressed against his lips again. Sirius knew he wouldn’t be able to fight off this attempt, he wasn’t certain it was worth it. His mouth tasted vile, his head ached, he was weak against the cot that surely was soiled by now. The doctor had narrated too many scenarios Sirius was all too familiar with, he got something out of his head but Sirius was too tired to remember what. His mouth tasted like stomach acid, water would be nice, but he didn’t trust a thing the doctor gave him.

“It’s alright. I’m taking care of you, let me help.” The glass was pressed tighter into his jaw. Sirius lost his strength, he opened his mouth, he drank the water.

Sirius was sick again.

“Shh, that’s alright, you’re alright.” When Sirius opened his eyes again he was hunched over a bin, lined with plastic, with three sets of hands holding onto him somehow.

“Just breathe” A second voice soothed.

“Let your body do what it needs to” A third one chimed in.

Sirius coughed, he blinked a few times. His tears stung, his nose was clogged with mucus, his head hurt.

There was a cloth pressed up to his lips, drool was carefully wiped from his chin.

“Has this happened before?” The second voice said. Sirius knew that voice, it was Remus. Remus was here?

Sirius felt a shiver run down his spine. He blinked himself awake more, he tried to figure out where that voice was coming from. He needed to find his Remus.

Sirius gasped when he found Remus’s face. He could see every detail, every scar and freckle. The face turned to him with a concerned expression. Sirius raised a hand up to Remus’s face. He could feel Remus’s skin, he was real, he was unharmed. Whatever had happened to Sirius was worth it if Remus was alright.

“Hey, shhh. It’s alright.” Remus shushed, his hand reaching up and covering Sirius’s. Sirius’s lips split into a smile as Remus looked down at him. He clung onto his words. “You alright? We can just rest for a bit.”

Remus took Sirius’s hand and lowered it from his face. Two of his hands held one of Sirius’s, they worked on smoothing out his fingers again, reminding them how to be steady. He watched Sirius for a while before helping him lay back, wedged upright against his pillows.

“When you’re ready, we can see if a bit of broth will sit with you.”

Sirius stared back at Remus, he was scared but he wasn’t staring through Remus this time. Then, slowly he started to notice that James was sitting on his opposite side. He also had Sirius’s hand, he was mirroring Remus’s motions. The bin was gone.

“Can you hear us, Sirius?” That was Remus’s voice. How long had it been since this had all started. “It’s alright if you can’t.”

“But it’d be great if you could” James chimed in.

Sirius didn’t know how to respond. He focused his energy, he tried to squeeze Remus’s hand.

“Was that on purpose?”

Sirius focused, he tried to squeeze Remus’s hand a second time. He could hear the other chuckle, then he heard James.

“Can you do it twice in a row?”

They were asking so much of him, Sirius had only just gotten ownership of his body back who knows how recently ago? Still, he concentrated and he tried. He was slow, but Remus was patient. He squeezed twice.

“Okay: once for yes, twice for no” James said. “Can you hear us?”

Sirius was tired, but the energy from the boys around him was electric. He squeezed Remus’s hand one more time. Both of them lit up with excitement.

“Very good!” Remus whispered. Sirius spent most of his energy focusing on his hands, but he felt the corners of his cheeks tug into a smile at the praise.

They spent a long while communicating that way. They used it to check in with Sirius, to make sure he understood that the potions Mrs. Potter was bringing up were for his stomach: one to take the nausea away, another to nourish it. Sirius wondered if there was another one he forgot about taking that would make him tired as well. Part of Sirius wanted to be upset about it but he couldn’t be. He was somewhere safe and his friends were here. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this.

He couldn’t remember when sleep came for him, he drifted into dream without worry or pain. He wasn’t sure how long he was under for. This time it felt a little different. He didn’t dream of the doctor this time. Tonight, he dreamed of his friends.

The lighting in the room was warm and bright when Sirius opened his eyes again. It took him a moment to remember where he was. At first he thought he was back at school; he was warm, he was safe, he smelled like James. It wasn’t until his eyes began to focus that he realized he wasn’t at school, he was at the Potter’s house. His head throbbed, his vision was fuzzy around the edges. Sirius tried to push himself upright, he fell back down face first in his pillow.

Something in the energy shifted. The whole world muffled for Sirius as he tried to push himself back up. James noticed the sound of the fall as he got dressed for the morning. The turned around after pulling a shirt on over his torso and made his way to Sirius’s side.

“Hey, you alright?”

There were hands on him, turning Sirius to his side. The room spun, Sirius groaned.

“Oh. Here. Help is on the way, hold on.”

Sirius was helped up into a sitting position. James praised him many times over. One hand stayed steady on his shoulder while another searched for something on the bedside table. A small vial was shown to him and pressed to his hips.

“To help with your stomach.”

Sirius didn’t protest this time. Another vial was shown to him a moment later.

“For your pain.”

Once again Sirius obliged. Once things weren’t as heavy and painful. Sirius looked around the room. It was just him and James. Where did Remus go?!

Sirius sat up straighter, he looked around more frantically. He tried to push himself out of bed but James stopped him.

“Woah! Where do you think you’re going?” James tried to joke. Sirius didn’t see what was funny. He tried to fight James, but he didn’t win. “Glad to see you’re feeling better, but you need to rest.”

Resting didn’t get him to Remus, where was Remus? How much time had he missed?

“Hey, it’s okay” James tried to soothe. “Did you have a bad dream? You’re alright, mate.”

Sirius hadn’t had a bad dream. He’d had a good dream. A dream where he was in Remus’s arms but now he was wake and it was just James. And James was better than anything he deserved, but Sirius would not be settled until he set eyes on Remus.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” James called.

“You’re decent?” Remus asked as he cracked the door open. Remus was here. Sirius’s eyes went wide as Remus stepped through the door. His hair was damp, it still clung to his face in places. He was wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans, he had no shoes on yet. The stubble on his face that Sirius remembered was gone, his face was complete. Sirius was in the best possible reality.

He tried to reach out for Remus. Sirius grunted, hitting James’s hand with his shoulder as he tried to move.

“Oi, mate. I told you to rest!”

Remus was at the bedside a moment later. He climbed onto the bed next to Sirius, his attention was focused on the other. Once he was close enough for Sirius to grab he did. His hands covered Remus’s cheeks, they explored up his face and down his neck. They hung onto his shoulders, they slid down his arms. Remus was patient and allowed for it, his eyes stayed focused on Sirius the entire time.

“Good morning.” Remus said, taking one of Sirius’s hands and stilling it. “Did you sleep well?”

Sirius smiled, he squeezed Remus’s hand one time. I dreamt of you Sirius wanted to say. He didn’t say, though. He didn’t feel like he could, he didn’t know if he could.

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked. Sirius didn’t know how to answer, he couldn’t reply with just a yes or a no. James seemed to pick up on this, he was quick to report an update on Sirius for him.

“He took both the anti-emetic and the pain potion.”

Remus gave Sirius’s hand a squeeze. Yes, except this time Sirius thought it meant good. Sirius felt some of his uneasiness release. Remus was solid, Remus was safe, Sirius hadn’t completely failed him. This was the best possible reality.

“Mrs. Potter wanted you to know that she’s made breakfast” Remus said to both Sirius and James. “Are either of you hungry?”

“I am!” James said excitedly. “Are we taking breakfast here?”

Remus shrugged. “Do you want to eat up here? Or do you want to go downstairs?” He asked Sirius.

Again, Sirius didn’t know how to answer.

“What’s the weather like right now?” James asked, as if Remus had already been outside. Remus left Sirius’s side for a moment to push the window next to him open. He stuck his hand outside, the summer air came in through the inside. Sirius looked towards the window, he leaned closer to it, he lost his balance and fell into Moony.

Remus helped him sit back up, he pushed back some of Sirius’s hair. “Some fresh air will help.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand one time. Yes Sirius agreed. He smiled when Remus looked at him, his heart fluttered when Remus smiled back at him. Don’t think about Remus. Except Remus was right there, not a fucked up portrait or blurred out memory, and Sirius couldn’t get enough of that fact.

“Let’s eat first before we try walking.” James decided, breaking their moment. “I’ll go get our food, you make sure he doesn’t try and jump out of bed again.” James said, pointing to Remus.

Remus raised an eyebrow curiously. “Is that what you were doing when I came in?” Remus asked Sirius.

Sirius didn’t answer.

“Be good for Moony, now.” James teased before leaving.

Sirius looked over towards the window, he reached over towards it. Remus didn’t stop him completely, he watched curiously.

“Do you want to sit closer to the window?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand once, yes.

“Okay,.” He was slow and careful and he managed to move and manipulate pillows for support in the right places and move Sirius closer to the window. Sirius continued to hold his hand out towards the window, he bent forward and tried to hold his hand outside.

“Careful” Remus warned. “Don’t fall out now.”

Sirius shuddered as he remembered his brother, so naive to think Sirius deserved open windows. Sirius wouldn’t jump out of this window, not unless Moony did so first.

“The fresh air is nice, isn’t it?” Remus asked.

It was. Sirius forgot what it felt like. It wasn’t stuffy and stale, it smelled like freedom.

“You haven’t gotten much fresh air, have you?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand twice. No.

“It’s nice.” Remus commented.

Sirius didn’t squeeze Remus’s hand but he agreed. Sirius gazed out the window, just to look at the world blowing by outside.

The room was stuffy, it always was these days. Ever since Doctor told Mother he was worried for Sirius’s safety. He wanted Sirius to be safe, secure; he wanted him to keep him from harming himself-that was the Doctor’s job. Doctor Hemlock had seen Sirius’s mind, he’d seen how much Sirius hated himself, he knew how little Sirius thought of himself. He even had a vague notion why now: he was untrustworthy, rash, impulsive. That’s what they would focus on, improving his bad qualities to make him strong, make him feel better about himself. Keep Sirius from wanting to die.

So to keep Sirius from wanting to die, the Doctor locked Sirius’s windows. To keep Sirius from wanting to die, the room was stuffy. A canary in a cage, with no reason to sing. If he sang, would he be happier? Would he be free? And what was freedom? He’d rather be caged than in a coal mine, he supposed. .

“Breakfast!” Mrs. Potter announced, pulling Sirius out of his memories.

He could smell bacon, which wasn’t typical for the Potter’s house, but made Sirius’s stomach growl all the same. Toast had been toasted, toast had been burnt. There were eggs, a full continental spread. There was coffee. Slowly, Sirius pulled his attention from the window and turned to look at everyone’s plates. James and Remus had two eggs each, bacon, toast, and some veg. Remus had coffee, James had tea. Sirius had a tray of food, the same one from the night before, and much like the night before his meal was also different.

Sirius had porridge.

“Is that all I get?” That was the look Sirius was trying to convey to the house elf as he was given his meal. He hadn’t been asked down to family dinner tonight. Up until now, Sirius hadn’t known if he was on punishment or if there was company. He supposed he had more of an answer now.

Kreacher left nearly as quickly as he came and without a word, leaving Sirius to his quickly cooling mush on a tray.

It wasn’t good mush, it tasted like cardboard. Sirius took maybe two bites but he couldn’t stomach much more. It felt like concrete, dripping down his esophagus and hardening into a tight ball in his stomach.

“You need to eat” Kreacher said after Sirius’s fourth day refusing to eat his new prescribed diet. He was told that if he stuck to it for a while he’d be introduced more foods, but Sirius didn’t believe it. He didn’t want to open his mouth and he wouldn’t. Not until the house elf’s strong bony fingers pried his jaw open would he open his mouth.

“Doctor’s orders.”

Sirius didn’t have a choice. He tried to bite down but he wasn’t strong enough, not for long. He felt like screaming, he felt like he was choking. Sirius gagged as spoonful after grubby spoonful was forced into his mouth. Doctors orders, after all.

“Sirius?” a hand squeezed his. “Hey, are you with us?”

Sirius blinked, his attention snapped to the porridge in front of him. His eye scanned around him frantically, not settling until he found Remus’s face. His whole face, his real face, the one that let Sirius know he was in the best possible reality.

“Hi” Remus’s face melted into a smile as Sirius came to realize where he was again. “Were you hungry?”

Sirius’s stomach growled, but his jaw remained locked. He could still feel the fingers prying past his lips and pushing through his mouth. Sirius shook his head softly, he looked down. He looked at Remus’s plate, then at the bowl of mush. He looked out the window again. He didn’t understand why he was on punishment.

“Why don’t you try a bite?” Mrs. P asked. “You need to keep your strength up.”

None of that mattered, Sirius wasn’t eating that slop. He may very well not be eating anything. He wasn’t yet sure he could stomach the idea of opening his mouth for anything.

He’d made a disappointment of himself, he knew. He could feel the way the energy in the room changed. Nobody was angry though, not yet. That was good. Sirius wanted to fix it, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t going to eat, not right now. Even after Remus leaned in closer and took a bite of the warm cereal.

“Not bad.”

His words weren’t convincing.

“Let me try!” James demanded, trying to make the activity look fun somehow. Sirius didn’t even turn his attention their way. He stared outside and watched the trees blow in the wind and the clouds pass.

The mood dampened even more as everyone realized Sirius wasn’t responding.

“I was thinking we could try and get you showered today?” Mrs. Potter interrupted the otherwise silent room. “That would feel nice, wouldn’t it? Come back to fresh sheets, new clothes?”

Sirius didn’t answer, it was safer most of the time to be quiet while on punishment. He hadn’t realized yet that he’d done something wrong.

“You’ll need help with that?” James asked his mother eagerly.

“I’ll need a pair of your swim trunks for him.” She replied

Sirius’s stomach growled, he squeezed Remus’s hand. Sirius felt Remus lean in closer to him. For the first time in a while, Sirius turned his attention away from the window and back to Remus. He was still the right Remus, he was complete. Sirius’s lips quirked into a smile at that realization. He looked down at Remus’s plate and noticed the toast. It was uneaten but already covered in jam, much like the last meal he’d eaten. That might be safe to try.

Sirius looked up at Remus, then down to the toast again. Remus must have been paying close attention because he noticed Sirius looking at it.

“Do you want some?”

Sirius looked up at Remus. He must have looked confused because Remus’s face softened and he picked up the piece for Sirius. Remus held it up to Sirius’s mouth, he nodded to him and told him he could try it. He told him it would be fine.

It was fine, but Sirius only managed two bites. There were three sets of eyes watching him chew, James had already said Good at least twice. Besides, chewing was sort of difficult.

“All done?” Remus asked gently, confirming that Sirius was finished before he put the toast back on his own plate. Sirius didn’t respond, but Remus waited several seconds anyway before putting the food away.

“Good job mate!” James cheered. Sirius looked away, he looked back out the window. He didn’t know how to handle praise.

“It’s there if you want more later” Remus promised.

Sirius wasn’t sure how long the rest of them went on with their meal after that. Sirius sat quietly and did his best not to think. He looked outside, he felt the fresh air creeping into the room, on his hands, and on his face. He tried not to think about porridge.

“I think now might be a good time for a wash. What do you think?” Mrs. Potter asked to signal the transition. Sirius wouldn’t object to a shower. His hair felt matted to his head, he could feel salt dried onto his face, and he had realized at some point earlier in the day that he was starting to smell bad.

“Can he stand?” Sirius heard James ask his mother.

“I can run a bath, that’s no issue.” Mrs. Potter replied.

“But can he walk?” James countered.

“We can help him.” That was Remus. He was sitting next to Sirius but he wasn’t sitting on the correct side of him, Sirius realized. Sirius always sat to the left of Remus, he was left handed and Remus wasn’t. They could hold hands and still use their dominant hands that way. Remus’s hand had been within reaching distance and available all morning. Had he been using the wrong hand to eat?

“Besides” Remus continued to James “Didn’t you say he was trying to run away from you this morning?”

“Well then, it’s settled” Mrs. Potter said. “I’ll go clean up these dishes, then I’ll be back and we’ll get you clean.” She patted Sirius’s knee. He didn’t protest.

“We won’t tell your father about this.” Walburga said pointedly. Both her and the doctor were crammed into Sirius’s room. Somehow it felt smaller without all of his things.

“This isn’t the first time this has happened in this family, it’s alright…..this can be fixed.”

Sirius wasn’t entirely sure how it was alright or how they’d fix him. Sirius hadn’t been attracted to a girl since the time he tried to marry his cousin when he was six years old.

“You’re still young, you’re still pure. You’re just confused, you’ve got complicated feelings. We can fix that!” Mother asked as she paced the stuffy room.

The silence that followed her question forced the stop of the clicking. Sirius hated the clicking but the silence was worse.

“These were just feelings you’re reporting on, aren’t they Doctor?”

Sirius looked away.

“Like I said, Mrs. Back. I don’t believe this will be a problem to resolve.”

“It better not be!”

“I believe this is a matter he’s willing to overcome as well. From what I’ve seen…”

“I don’t want to know what you’ve seen!” Walburga shouted. “I can not have a foolish little faggot floating around as head of the household. How will he sire any decent heirs to our lineage? Will he even be able to carry on the family line?”

“Surely he will be able to” The doctor assured, though his voice was not as assured as Walburga would have liked it to be.

“You better.” She spat “Because he still can’t speak!”

“Those are two entirely different matters” The Doctor stated. “And his lack of verbal communication isn’t a bad thing. It shows restraint, something you’ve stated he needs more of.”

“It’s what I hired you for.” Even without looking at her Sirius could tell that she was getting a headache. Her heels started clicking again. Walburga walked over to the bed, to Sirius’s side and she forced his head to turn towards her. Her fingers were cold and firm, Sirius wondered if they would leave bruises.

“I should have never let you go to that filthy, disgusting school. They ruined you. My pure, darling little boy. You’ve always been difficult but………” She sighed, Sirius didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t really do anything. “You’re dirty, and you’re going to keep dragging our name through the mud if you keep this up,” There was no curse, she did not spit on him, but Sirius would have preferred either of those over any more lingering in her disdain “Let’s hope the doctor can get you clean.”

“Sirius?” Remus was squeezing Sirius’s hand.

Sirius shook his head, he blinked, he tried to remember where he was. His eyes met Remus’s. They were his real eyes, not a single imperfection. This Remus was real. Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand

“You alright?”

It was a loaded question but Sirius nodded anyway. It’s what he knew everyone wanted to see from him. Remus smiled, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Okay, good. Should we try standing?”

Oh, yeah. That would be a good start.

James and Remus took a bit of time arguing on who would take lead on this project. Remus wanted James to because James helped with moons, James wanted Remus to lead because he knew from a first hand perspective what worked and what didn’t. At the end of the day neither of them wanted to be responsible for hurting Sirius if this went poorly.

James took lead, Remus worked on keeping Sirius calm. They helped Sirius wrap his arms around their shoulders, they counted to three, they stood. Sirius’s legs felt like they were on fire as they stretched up. He felt dizzy, he tried to breathe.

“Good. Good. Let’s just stand for a second.” Sirius couldn’t tell if that was Remus or James talking. He let his head rest against one of their shoulders.

Standing helped. Slowly he started to feel his legs again. It hurt at first, his friends held him up, then it stopped hurting so much as blood learned to flow through them again. His legs didn’t pick up like they were supposed to when his friends tried to walk with him, not the first time. Eventually he learned, he got better. They made their way to the bathroom.

Mrs. Potter was already waiting for them.

“You look good upright” She complemented Sirius as she started the bath water. She had towels folded on the toilet lid, but was happy by seeing this progress.

“James, your bathing suit?” She inquired, moving towards Sirius and taking his hand. She helped him to the sink, making sure he could keep himself stable against it. When she was confident that he could, she nodded towards Remus and dismissed him.

“Go take a minute to yourself. Get ready for your trip tomorrow!”

Sirius found Mrs. Potter’s words strange. He didn’t know what they meant. He supposed it didn’t matter. There was a knock at the door a moment later. James was back with swim trunks. Just as quickly as he was in the room he was gone.

“Alright dear, come now. Can you take my hand?”

His knuckles were gripping tightly to the porcelain of the sink. Sirius’s breath hitched, it took a lot more concentration than he’d realized. He tried to find his way towards Mrs. Potter’s voice, he accidentally met his own reflection first.

“Look at yourself”

His eyes had dark black bags under them. His eyes were red, he wasn’t sure if that was from exhaustion or from crying or from something in the basin of water underneath him. Sirius only got to look at the mirror opposite him for a moment before his head was pushed back into the icy water. He tried to remember not to gasp.

When he was pulled up again, he was fighting for air. He didn’t open his eyes to look at the reflection.

“A loser.”

Sirius coughed. His head was pushed under water once more. Sirius screamed but nobody heard it. He gasped as he was pulled back up to the air.

“Speak, boy!”

“Sirius?” He wasn’t drowning now, but he felt like it. He still felt like his head was underwater, he couldn’t hear who was talking to him.

“Are you feeling poorly? Come here, sit down…”

A hand touched him and Sirius flinched away. He didn’t know where his legs were taking him, but they were taking him somewhere. They took him away until he tripped and fell, his body crashing into the ground. He shuddered.

There were multiple pairs of hands on him. People were talking, but all of their words were muddled and distant. Sirius gasped for air. At some point, he felt his body move. He was upright, there were more hands on him. Sirius couldn’t think to care. He wasn’t completely in the dark, he wasn’t entirely lost to his memory, but he wasn’t present.

At some point the voices quieted. The next time Sirius remembered hearing them, they were less dull.

“What do you think happened?” Said the first voice, Sirius couldn’t quite make out who was taking.

There was a pause before the second voice said “Something with the bathroom upsets him”

“What do you mean?”

“He had a nightmare one night. His nose started bleeding, he got scared and ran. Made it to the bathroom….then he just….dropped.”

The voices became muddled again. Sirius stopped paying attention to what was happening. He didn’t become aware of much until he realized there was music playing. He knew this music, Remus loved this album. They’d listened to it many times together. Sirius realized the album during its fourth song. It wasn’t until the middle of the sixth that he tried to sing along.

The music faded for him shortly after that.

“You should go tomorrow” a voice said. There was silence, Sirius felt something against him shake. The first voice spoke up again. “You should.”

“If anyone deserves the break, it’s you” another voice said.

There was more silence. Sirius could feel a breeze blowing against him. He realized that his hand was on the ground, was he touching grass?

“Nah, it’s fine.” The first voice dismissed. They were quiet again. The first voice spoke up once more several seconds later. “Mum’s written to a healer. We’re going to see if they can visit him….give us more information.”

Whoever Sirius was leaning against let out a deep, relieved sigh.

“And if they come tomorrow, I’ll stay with him. You go as planned.”

“….Like I said, if anyone deserves a break, it’s you.”

This conversation was going to go on for a while more.

“Remus, don’t argue with me or I will kick you out of my house tomorrow.”

Remus? Remus was here? Sirius grunted, he struggled to focus his eyes and come back to reality. He moved his head, he heard the argument around him stop. It hurt, the world spun, but eventually Moony’s eyes were looking at him. Sirius split into a large grin when he realized that the lack of definition in Remus’s face was only due to Sirius’s own instability. This was the right Remus, so far as Sirius could tell.

“Hi,” Sirius heard the other say. There was a hand touching his cheek. “Hey, are you with us? Sirius?”

It hurt to hold on. Sirius wasn’t able to give the other a yes or a no.

“There you go.” Sirius felt his bum fall a little ways, onto a chair. What it was made of, Sirius couldn’t tell. It wasn’t terribly hard, there was something under him to lessen the blow. There were hands along his shoulders, down his back. There was a harsh sound of wood scratching against the floor. “We’ll just sit here a while, hmm?”

There were footsteps around him, but Sirius couldn’t track where they were or where the footsteps may lead. They were quiet footsteps though, no harsh clicking against hardwood to signal danger. Sirius felt his arm placed on something, a table perhaps? Sirius leaned forward towards it. He felt a hand push over the top of his head, as if smoothing back his hair.

“We’ll sit for awhile and keep Mrs. Potter company.” There was a hand holding his. Two covered one, the one on the bottom helped stabilize Sirius’s hand against it, the top one smoothed out the fingers, rubbing life into them quietly. “She’s just started cutting up some onions for tonight’s dinner.”

It wasn’t too long later that Sirius could smell the onions sauteing. There was more than just onions, but Sirius couldn’t tell what aromatics were being used just by smell alone. It had been so long since he’d been welcomed in a kitchen.

“If you get hungry or need anything, just let me know Sirius’s hand was squeezed once. Sirius focused on curling his fingers around the other’s hand in kind. He didn’t quite manage a squeeze, but he did hear the other tell him ”good job.”

The voice continued to talk to him. Slowly, Sirius realized that the table he was leaning against wasn’t the long oak table in his family’s estate, but a much smaller yellow Formica table. There was a knee touching his, off to his left side, and two hands covering one of his own. Seeing things in focus required energy and awareness that made Sirius’s head hurt. He winced as he felt multiple knives slice into his skull, he squeezed Remus’s hand.

“Good, good. Hi.” Remus cooed. He squeezed Sirius’s hand back. “Are you in pain?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand once. Yes.

There was more talking, but it wasn’t directed to him. Sirius didn’t focus on that. It wasn’t until Remus was getting his attention again that Sirius did his best to focus.

“This is a pain potion. If I help, will you take it?”

Sirius’s eyes searched to try and focus on the bottle being shown in front of him. He searched for Remus’s face. As soon as he knew he was in the best reality again he opened his mouth and allowed for Remus to give him his medicine.

He settled shortly after that. Without so many knives in his head he could focus better on what was happening around him. Mrs. Potter was cooking, she was humming to herself. Remus was sitting beside Sirius, holding his hand and keeping him company. Sirius couldn’t pinpoint where James was but that was alright, this was company enough. Sirius was paying attention to Mrs. Potter anyway.

He watched as she diced and cut, eyed her as she added seasonings, didn’t break his gaze as she stirred whatever was on the stove top. He felt his stomach growl as the smell of simmering spices filled the air. He took inventory of oil bottles and garnishes, he watched as she danced around the kitchen, some place she knew well and was comfortable in. It had been so long since Sirius had been welcomed in a kitchen.

James and Monty appeared some time later. They set the table, bringing out the leaf to make it larger and roomier, and setting up plates and glasses and silverware for everyone. Sirius and Remus continued to sit and Mrs. Potter finished cooking. Everyone had the same meal tonight. Sirius didn’t know what it was, but it smelled good. A curry of some sort, he supposed. It looked mushy but it wasn’t porridge. It didn’t smell like it would taste like cardboard.

“Thank you, Mum” Sirius heard James say once everyone was seated.

Everyone started in on their food except for Sirius. He watched as everyone ate, he waited to be told he could begin.

“Do you want to try?” The voice next to him asked. A spoon was brought to his mouth, but it wasn’t shoved inside. “Try a bite, it’s good.”

Sirius felt his stomach growl once more. He obliged.

He’d done something good, Sirius realized. He noticed the energy of the room elevate. That wasn’t typical for family dinners Sirius attended.

He wasn’t able to attend to conversation but he did manage a few more bites of food. It was warm when he swallowed it, it was still warm when it made it to his stomach. None of it hardened like a rock on the way down, instead it filled him with warmth. He felt comforted, healed almost. He felt warmer, and a little tired, and less like shaking.

He was tired. It was evident by the time everyone had finished their meals that Sirius was fighting to stay present. He’d been fighting to do so all day, but now he was yawning.

“It’s been a big day.” One voice said. Another agreed. The person he was leaning on took a deep breath and sighed.

“We should get ready for bed.” Another voice continued.

Sirius felt himself be helped upright on either side of him. He did his best to move his feet how they were supposed to go. He sat on the bed while others arranged pillows around him in what they assumed would be the most comfortable positions. Things were quiet for a while, they were dark. Sirius very nearly fell asleep many times. Perhaps he did. With his eyes closed it was hard to tell what was real and what was a dream.

There was a knock on the door. Sirius was alert to it, but he didn’t open his eyes. He waited to see what happened.

The door opened, footsteps crept closer towards him.

“Mum got a reply.”

Someone hummed. “What did it say?”

“He’s to come in to St. Mungo’s tomorrow for an examination.”

“Did they say what they think might be wrong?”

Silence. “They said it sounds complex. They want a few specialists to look at him.”

There was more silence, and with that, Sirius slipped back into sleep.

Sirius gagged. His eyes were open but he couldn’t see anything and he gagged. Something warm splattered onto his lap. Sirius coughed.

There was a thumping coming from down the hall. The door barged open. Sirius remembered the thumping of Remus’s head as it rolled towards his feet. He remembered the blood.

Sirius heaved again.

“Oh, fuck.” A voice near him said quietly.

There was a hand on his back, another on his forehead. One moved to his wrist and took his pulse. Voices around him were talking but Sirius didn’t hear what they were saying. He wasn’t aware of what they were saying until he was standing upright, his legs partially doing as they were told. He heard the words of the person helping him upright as his feet touched cool tile.

“Good. Keep looking down at your feet. Few more steps then you can sit, it’s alright.”

That was Remus. Sirius tried to turn his head upwards but was corrected.

“Keep looking at your feet. Almost there.”

There was a seat, cold and hard and small, but there was a seat. Remus sat him down and quickly turned to the tub beside it.

“You’re doing great, Sirius”

He could hear Remus’s voice but he couldn’t see him. Sirius tried to imagine Remus’s face but all he could see was the decapitated head from his dream.

“I’m going to help you out of your pajamas, alright?” Sirius blinked, he realized he was clothed, he was in James’s clothes.

There was a hand on his knee. Sirius studied it. The hand was connected to a wrist, which was connected to an arm. Sirius followed these connections until he reached the neck, then the jaw, then the face.

There was no blood, no sign of scarring. Remus’s mouth moved, it worked, he didn’t sound like he was in pain. All his freckles were there where they were supposed to be, the scar across his face was just as it always was. Remus’s eyes met Sirius’s. This was real, this was the best possible reality.

“Hi” Remus whispered. Sirius’s hands raised up to his shoulders. “You’re alright. We’re going to take a quick shower, okay?”

Sirius’s hands reached for Remus’s neck. Shaky fingers traced over where there should be a scar. Clammy hands cupped Remus’s cheek, they held his head in his hand and wept.

“It’s me, in the flesh.” Remus joked, his hand cupping the one Sirius had against his cheek.

Sirius sobbed and fell forward into Remus. His hand flew up and clung to Remus’s shoulder with all his might. He hadn’t lost Remus, he wasn’t going to let it happen. Sirius heard shushing, he felt Remus scratch his head.

Slowly, they stood. Remus did most of the work, but Sirius clung to him. Remus managed to get them undressed, though it was a challenge when Sirius refused to let go of him. He wasn’t going to loose his Remus, he couldn’t let him out of his sight.

The water was warm. It stung a bit as it dripped down his back, but Remus shushed him and Sirius listened.

“I’ve got you. You’re alright.”

Sirius tried desperately to believe him.

Sirius clung to Remus as they were dampened under the shower head. He clung to Remus as the other took a washcloth and soap and got both of their bodies cleaned. Sirius clung to Remus as his hair was shampooed and rinsed. He clung as he was helped out of the shower. He whined when they were separated to get pajamas on, Sirius clung to Remus’s hand the moment he could. He didn’t let go for the rest of the night.

He must have fallen asleep at some point, though how, when, or for how long was still a mystery to him. Sirius woke in the dark grey morning, shortly before dawn. Remus was asleep. Sirius thought he might be dead for a moment, but realized not after feeling the rise and fall of the other’s chest.

Remus looked sweet when he slept. Sirius had always thought this.

Remus didn’t sleep for too much longer after Sirius woke up, at least Sirius didn’t think so. He did the little grunt he did every morning when he was waking up from a not particularly good sleep. His nose wrinkled, he took several minutes for his eyes to open. He looked surprised when Sirius was staring back at him.

“Good morning” Remus whispered. Sirius smiled back at him.

“Did you get some sleep?” Remus asked. Sirius blinked, it was the closest to a yes he was able to give. His hand stayed firmly attached to Remus’s, but he hadn’t yet thought to squeeze it.

The sun was just starting to rise. There was no need to wake anybody yet, there was no need to start the day.

“How are you feeling?” Remus asked.

Nervous, Sirius wanted to answer. He hadn’t entirely remembered the night before, but he felt the unsettled feeling in his gut that remained. He felt the doctor’s hand creeping in the back of his mind. He knew enough to know that he needed to keep Remus close. Sirius’s body ached, he closed his eyes again now that he knew his Remus was real and burrowed his face into the other’s chest.

For a few moments in the early morning dawn, things were nearly normal.

Things stayed nearly normal until there was a knock on the door. It was quiet, the figure behind it slipped past quietly.

“Good morning” James whispered.

“I thought you were told to get some sleep.” Remus replied. Sirius didn’t move from his position next to Remus. He wrapped his arm around the other and pulled him closer. Even though Sirius knew James wasn’t a threat, he didn’t want anyone else getting closer to him, he needed to keep Remus safe.

“I did!….I think” James countered. Sirius didn’t open his eyes, but he knew James was next to the bed. “I wanted to see how you two were doing.”

Remus grunted. “He’s awake. Or he was. Can you hear us, Sirius?”

Sirius didn’t reply. His head hurt, he didn’t want to be part of this conversation. He wanted to go back to being nearly asleep and being held by Remus. He wanted things to be nearly normal. Instead, he was remembering what had happened before he’d fallen asleep. He remembered the shower, he remembered James and Remus talking about healers, he remembered his nightmare. The image of Remus’s decapitated and non-blurred head returned.

“Did you two get some sleep?” James asked.

Sirius could feel Remus nod. “I think so, yeah.”

James nodded. “We should probably start getting ready soon. Mum wants to leave earlier if possible.”

Sirius only then remembered what he’d heard earlier. They’d been messaging healers about him. The trip Mrs. Potter had told James about. Sirius didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to see another doctor.

Sirius didn’t let go of Remus. If he wasted all of his energy today it was to hold onto Remus. He didn’t listen to other’s conversations or eat breakfast. He caught Remus’s attention several times, gaining the reassurance that he needed that he was still in the best possible reality, that Remus was safe, but that was all the more communication he did this morning. When they got in the car to head into London that morning, Sirius tried squeezing no about a dozen times into Remus’s palm. He wasn’t sure if Remus ignored him or if his grip strength was that bad. Perhaps his timing was off. The morning skipped around so much.

Sirius’s legs forgot how to work as they approached the hospital. Perhaps they did work, but he didn’t let on. Remus and Mr. Potter both had to struggle to help him inside. They put him in a chair inside, one with wheels. They had to go slow, Remus had to walk beside him because Sirius wouldn’t let go of his hand. If he couldn’t see Remus, if he couldn’t feel him, then he couldn’t know what was real or not. His heart stayed solidly in his throat as Remus sat next to him in the waiting room. Sirius tried not to make eye contact with anyone except for when he was checking in to make sure his Remus was the right one.

His hand gripped Remus’s with all his strength when his name was called to come back and see the healer assigned to him. Sirius wanted Remus to stop, to turn around, to do anything but follow him back where he wouldn’t be safe, yet he couldn’t get himself to let go of Remus’s hand. He couldn’t do this alone.

Sirius’s lips stayed pressed closed as the first healer asked him to open wide. A tongue depressor was just as bad as Kreacher’s fingers, Sirius thought. He didn’t need anybody looking in his mouth. The sheets on the exam table he’d been set on were itchy and thin, they reminded him of his room back home. Sirius gripped onto Remus’s arm with both of his hands. He fought hard not to remember the doctor, not to remember his tactics. He could do almost anything he put his mind to.

“It’s alright” Remus praised. Sirius still didn’t open his mouth, but he did calm down some. Sirius could hear Mrs. Potter speaking to the healer. She was speaking fast, with low tones. She had a lot to say, apparently. Sirius searched for Remus’s eyes. Everything was alright so long as he could see Remus’s eyes.

The next thing Sirius remembered was a hand pressed against his naked back. He flinched.

“Careful, my boy. You don’t want to make it worse, do you?” Sirius whimpered as the doctor ran his fingers across the wounds on his back. Sirius curled in on himself, trying to scoot away.

“Don’t move. You’re making more issues for yourself.”

Sirius whimpered.

“Show me.” Another voice said, not the doctor’s. A hand cupped Sirius’s face, another gave his hand a squeeze.

“You’re being very brave.”

Careful hands wiped at Sirius’s wounds while Remus’s words rang in his ears. Multiple pairs of hands helped Sirius get his shirt back on. Someone else was talking, Sirius couldn’t hear what was being said, not really.

“He doesn’t’ talk.” The voice beside him said, it sounded irritated. Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand. Remus squeezed it back. So long as Remus was there, things would be alright.

Time went on, Sirius sat in the chairs and held Remus’s hand and did as he was asked. He found Remus’s face half a dozen ore times to remind him which reality he was in. He was alright, they were going to help him. Sirius didn’t trust a single doctor but he trusted Remus and that’s what Remus told him, so Sirius listened.

He listened as his back was cleaned, as he was given scans and asked questions. He did his best to understand what was being asked, he tried squeezing Remus’s hand at the appropriate time. He wasn’t doing a great job at it, he knew, but the idea of being here made his hands shake. Sirius trusted Remus as his limbs were measured, body weighed, eyes checked, and reflexes tested. Sirius listened to Remus as they waited in the room for another healer to come in and give them more information. Sirius did his best to listen when he was told they would need to run further tests.

Nobody told Sirius what further tests meant.

The room they took him to wasn’t small, but it wasn’t particularly large either. There was a chair in the center of the room that Sirius thought was quite clearly designed to restrain and recline. It looked not too dissimilar from the chair he would be bound to at his father’s study, though this one was much less expensive. Easy to wipe down plastic vinyl covered the chair instead of leather, and the accents were not oak but steel. They had a footrest, though, that likely had a leaver to recline. The arms swiveled up to give easier access. Sirius wasn’t entirely sure, but he thought he could see restraints on the chairs as well.

No. He didn’t want to go. Don’t make me go!

The chair was the same as it had always been, opposite his father’s large desk in his study. There were two of them, the one to the left was for Sirius. He was always a little weary of them, preferring to stand when being asked to visit with his father in the study. He wasn’t always afforded that option, however.

“Come in, Sirius. Sit. We’ll be doing our treatment in here today.” It was supposed to be a privilege to be in here but the way the doctor spoke made Sirius uneasy. He tried to evade the order, but he wasn’t given the option. And once in the chair, he wasn’t able to get out. He had to fight to move his neck, his hands and feet were bound by invisible magic. He wasn’t sure if it was the chair or the doctor, it didn’t quite matter, he was unable to move.

“Come on, Sirius. It’s alright. Just sit here.”

Sirius’s whole body was tense. He tried to lock his legs, to wiggle out of the hands helping him up out of the chair with wheels and into the chair with restraints.

“No. No, no!”

Remus, where was Remus? Sirius’s eyes searched for an unblurred face, but he fell backwards into the chair. His world spun.

“No, please!” Sirius was being dragged into the study by the back of his shirt. Walburga Black was leading the way, it was her who pushed Sirius down and into the chair. Sirius tried to get up but couldn’t

“You sit there and you think about what you’ve done”

Sirius couldn’t remember what he’d done, but that didn’t stop his mother from leaving him bound to the chair for twelve hours or more.

“No….no” Sirius begged.

“It’s just a routine blood draw. It’ll be over quick.”

Sirius tried to get up but he was held down.

“Please, don’t push.” a voice next to him said. Sirius’s arm was held into place.

His eyes searched for Moony, where was Moony? Why couldn’t he find his Moony?

“You think you’re tricky, you think you’re clever by obscuring details? You’re just an obstinate little child!”

The curse hit him from behind, he couldn’t have anticipated it. He was stuck in the chair, no matter how hard he tried to pull away it was useless.

Sirius opened his mouth to scream.

“Silence!” The doctor yelled and threw another spell at him.

Sirius may have been screaming, but nobody could hear.

There was a weight on his lap; Sirius struggled against the force trying to keep him in place. He sobbed, gasping for air. Someone was touching his face, Sirius was in too much pain to open his eyes.

“Come to me” The voice sounded familiar.

“Come to me” The voice sounded like Remus.

Sweet, sweet Remus. Was he here?

“It’s me, Remus. Come on, let me see your eyes.” It was Remus!

Sirius struggled as he tried to make it towards the voice, tried to find Remus. If he could find Remus, he knew things would be alright.

“It’s me, Sirius. Come on, come to me!”

Remus sounded distressed. Was he in danger? Was he hurt? Sirius felt like he was being torn in a million pieces, but he didn’t care, not about himself-not if Remus was in danger. He felt like he was screaming, his chest was on fire and he was out of air but eventually he managed to get his eyes open.

The search for Remus wasn’t very hard. The other’s face was right in front of him, their foreheads were touching. Sirius gasped as he realized his Remus was right in front of him. He soaked in every detail he could: he saw the freckles and the scars, he saw the worried lines contorted on his face, he could see the pores on his nose, and he could see the concern in Remus’s eyes. Sirius remembered Remus’s face as it rolled to his feet, he saw Remus’s face right after a bad moon, he saw Remus’s face when Remus told him he didn’t love him anymore. Relief washed over Sirius because Remus was safe, but all of the grief of all the pain he’d caused the other washed over him as well.

Sirius realized where he was, and how many sets of eyes were on him seconds later. Sirius realized that he had no idea what was going on.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. His guilt radiated from him as the tension in his body snapped. Sirius’s arms felt like rubber bands, wrapping up and around the body in front of him.

“Shhhh now. You’re alright, it’s over now. It’s just you and me.”

Sirius didn’t remember what happened next. The next thing he remembered, he was out of the chair and on the ground. His head was resting against someone’s shoulder while the person holding him stroked their hand down the side of his face. Remus does that Sirius thought, remembering the times he’d been lucky enough to be cared for by the other while injured or sick. His hand was clasped tightly to the other’s, he could feel a thumb rubbing against the back of his hand, giving it squeezes periodically. Sirius tried squeezing back.

“Hey” Remus whispered patiently. “Can you hear me?”

Sirius squeezed once.

“Do you know what happened?” He asked next.

In a vague sense, Sirius did, but if asked to recall details of his day, he couldn’t give an answer. Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand twice, No.

There was quiet for a little while before the voice started speaking again.

“You are Sirius Black, and you are very brave.” The voice began. “You are at St. Mungo’s because you are sick. We are trying to get you help.”

Sirius’s grip on the other tightened.

“You’re safe here. The doctors want to help. I want to help, the Potters want to help. You’re going to be okay.”

Remus repeated himself over and over again until Sirius stopped shaking and could remember the words Remus was repeating to him. He was helped back up a little while later but refused the wheelchair. Sirius leaned heavily on Remus as they shuffled out of the room and into the lobby outside. Mr. & Mrs. Potter were waiting for the boys. Remus helped Sirius into a chair first before sitting down next to Mrs. Potter.

“We’re waiting to get the results from the blood tests.” She said. “Though they have put in a recommendation that we visit another wing for a consultation.”

Remus replied, but his voice was too quiet for Sirius to hear. All he knew was more doctors, and that thought was enough to make his gut churn. Sirius tried not to think too hard about it. He tried not to look around at the others in the area. He tried not to notice how the staff would stare just a bit longer as they passed by him. Sirius kept his grip on Remus firm.

“Are you alright, Sirius?” Remus asked, keying in on the fact that Sirius was starting to grow self aware and uncomfortable.

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand twice, No.

“Are you feeling ill?” He asked. Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand twice a second time.

There was a pause while Remus observed and thought.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter?”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand, yes.

Remus excused the two of them from the waiting room and took Sirius out to the hall. They shuffled down a ways until they found a small waiting area that wasn’t populated. They found a small nook to sit in, sort of hidden off from the rest of the room, and Sirius curled up against Remus’s side. Remus rested his head on top of Sirius’s and repeated his affirmations.

“You are Sirius Black, and you are very brave. You are at St. Mungo’s because you are sick. We are trying to help you.”

He repeated these phrases over and over until Mr. Potter came to find the two of them. “We’re wanted on floor 3.”

Floor 3 wasn’t too far from where they were already. Remus was patient with Sirius, Monty was helpful in keeping them stable, and Euphemia was a never ending wealth of encouragement for them all. Nobody forced Sirius into the wheelchair, they let him try and walk, they told him where to go even when they weren’t sure if he was present with them.

Floor 3 was the Memory Care Unit. A ward for damaged brains. Sirius saw the sign before he saw the healer waiting at the entrance of the ward for them.

“You must be Sirius!” The woman said in a much too pleasant tone. “Come in, we’re happy you’re here.” She reached her hand out towards Sirius.

“And you must be the infamous Sirius Black.” Doctor Hemlock said during their first session together. “Oh I’ve heard so much about you. Your mother tells me you’re going to be a real challenge for me. Is that true?”

Sirius didn’t answer him, but his heart was beating fast. This was the first time he’d met the doctor, but his body knew something was wrong. Every part of him was itching to run away.

“Did she tell you about me? Where are my manners?” The way he spoke sent shivers down Sirius’s spine. He was condescending, and the chill in his voice made Sirius believe he had every capability of being cruel if tempted. “I’m a doctor, Sirius. I’m here to help you feel better. I hear you’ve been having some troubles recently.”

“It’s alright, Sirius” Remus said beside him. Sirius snapped out of his memory to find Remus’s face. Remus was whole, that was good. Sirius turned back in front of him, they were making their way closer to the memory care healer.

“I hear you haven’t wanted to talk about your problems. That’s no worries. I’m a memory doctor. With my help, we’ll clean up all those nasty little thoughts keeping you stuck and build you up something new. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

It did not sound like fun. Sirius was steps closer to the ward, to the smiling doctor who wanted to scrub his brain clean just like the one his mother hired wanted to. Sirius couldn’t go in there, he couldn’t let Remus go in there. Nobody was safe there, why was he walking closer? He struggled, he wiggled in place, but he couldn’t break free.

No he thought. No, please don’t.

His words wouldn’t come out, and the hands wrangling him kept him in place. There were people talking around him but Sirius couldn’t hear what they were saying. Someone was trying to push him down, to sit down in one of those chairs with wheels again. Sirius wouldn’t stand for it. Every fiber of his being was trying to run away, to escape. His mind was going a million miles a minute and making him dizzy. Every part of Sirius Black was screaming, he felt like he was going to explode.

And then he collapsed, falling back into the hollow darkness.