James
The carpet was still stained. It shouldn’t be, but it was. It was mostly brown now, indistinct from where Sirius had been sick and where he’d bled. That was an improvement, James thought, but a minimal one at that. He’d tried the typical solutions, none of those worked. Apparition got rid of the mess but apparently it didn’t get rid of the evidence. Water did nothing, cleaning solutions only blurred it. James consulted his mother’s books on housekeeping. He brewed potions, he casted spells, he tried rituals. Still, the stain remained.
Leave it. His mother would tell him. Your father will handle it. She’d try to soothe. Get some sleep, James is what she’d said most recently when she’d come up to Sirius’s room to find one of the two boys asleep and the other overtired but still awake. James had wanted to listen to his mother, honestly he did. He was going to try and go to sleep but he was thirsty and needed a trip to the kitchen first. To get to the kitchen, James must pass by the den.
The carpet was still stained.
Sirius trusted him. Even though James had been, quite honestly, a horrible friend to Sirius as of late, Sirius still trusted him. James didn’t know how to feel about it. Honored, yes. He was happy that he could be a safe place for Sirius when he so desperately needed it. He also felt guilty. He had known Sirius wasn’t going to be returning to a warm, welcoming, or favoring home this summer. James hadn’t done his usual due diligence to make sure his friend was okay. He’d known Sirius’s summer was going to be bad, he had sort of wished Sirius’s summer would suck. He hadn’t wished for this. He hadn’t thought it could get this bad.
Sirius still hadn’t woken up. He showed up three nights ago and he still hadn’t woken up, not really. Sometimes he stirred, whined a little, but he never really seems awake. Everyone has to keep a close eye on him though. If Sirius starts to ‘wake’ like that, he’ll cry if someone doesn’t sit with him. He won’t eat. Mum’s gotten him to drink a little bit when he stirs, but it’s not much. He’s thinner than he’s ever been and so, so weak.
James walked into the kitchen only to find his father with their cauldron, one hand scribbling down notes while the other sipped at his coffee. James was going to get himself a glass of water, but there was still coffee in the press, so James indulged himself.
“Up early or to bed late?” James asked as he sat down, looking over his father’s notes.
“Up early, though your mother told me you’re the later.”
James shrugged. “She’s a gossip.”
Fleamont chuckled at his son. His head shook gently. He set his coffee down and began stirring his potion. “Don’t talk about your mother that way.”
“I love gossip! Just not when it’s about me.”
“It’s not gossip when it’s true, James. Have you gotten any sleep?”
It was a fair question. The first night Sirius was here nobody slept. Everybody took shifts the second day: two people awake with one as Sirius’s main caretaker and the second as backup/support, the third was to stay in their room and rest. James complied to his resting shifts, but sleep never came. James offered to take the night shift the next day. He had spent all day thinking about how this was going to impact his relationships. He spent all day thinking about how he could break the news to Remus. He knew he had to, even if Remus got mad and never wanted to speak with him again. James couldn’t sleep that night, not without worrying about two of his friends.
Two of his friends? James pondered that over the course of the night. Yes, two friends he’d decided later. Despite everything, Sirius was still his friend.
“I’ve slept.” James replied. He has, technically, slept. He slept three nights ago, and every night before then. He might have slept yesterday between the hours of 11am and 12:45 but he couldn’t be too certain. He’s slept on trains, in beds, on floors, and on sofas. The statement was not inaccurate in any way. Deceptive, possibly, but there was a very good chance his lie wouldn’t even work. His father was the one who encouraged this type of cleverness.
Fleamont hummed. “If you don’t get some rest soon, your mother’s going to put sleeping draught in your tea.”
“Is that what you’re making now?” James asked.
“No” His father replied. “Review the ingredients, James. Does it look like I’m making a sleeping draught?”
James smiled largely knowing that his father wasn’t making a draught to sedate him. That meant he was either reviewing James’s notes for a cleaning solution that would get that blasted stain out of the rug or he was working on something else entirely.
“Can I have the eye of Newt please?” Fleamont asked with his hand outstretched.
James, having been his father’s ready assistant since he was a child responded to the request automatically. He watched as the ingredient was added and the potion went from a foamy blue to a gummy green.
“What is this supposed to be?” James finally asked. He was going to look over his father’s notes, but he’d taken them from James to write down the reaction that had happened.
“Your mother’s suggestion. For his back.”
Fleamont had meant Sirius's back. The lacerations had been scabbed over when Sirius first came crashing through their den, but they’d opened up and started bleeding fresh once the Potters had tried to move him. They were large and they were deep gashes, mended together and cut open so many times it was hard to tell if they had ever given time to heal. Euphemia and Fleamont had gone through all of the dittany in their first aid supplies and potions reserves. They’d borrowed some from a neighbor, Fleamont had gone out to get more yesterday. It was supposed to be a magical cure. It was a magical cure. James had seen it used on Remus multiple times before. His wounds turned to scars in days with only one or two applications. Sirius’s wounds were still raw and open three days later, no matter how they tried to administer it.
The look on James’s face was flat. His father could see how the boy was worrying. They were all worrying.
“How are they healing?”
“Are they healing?” James quipped back, frustrated. He didn’t actually know, he didn’t like to look. He had been insistent on helping that first night. He had been the one to notice that Sirius was bleeding, he had been the one to try the dittany first. Dittany was supposed to work. James didn’t know why it didn’t work. He sighed. “Mum says theirs some progress with the honey and the mandrake leaves, but she only started trying that yesterday. There’s not much to go off of.”
Fleamont frowned, disliking both the prognosis and his son’s demeanor. His hand reached out to pat his boy’s head, finding it endearing when his hand inevitably got stuck in James’s hair. He turned the heat down on his cauldron and wiped his hands on his shirt. He left the room only briefly before returning with a bottle of his very own hair taming potion. He wet his fingers with it before running them through his son’s hair, smoothing it out and making it more manageable to work with.
“You should try to get some sleep.”
James was just about to roll his eyes and protest the suggestion in favor of pitching his idea to stay and help his father with his potion when he was interrupted by a tapping at their kitchen window. Ramona, one of the Potters’ owls had arrived back with a letter in her beak. James stood up quickly and made his way to the window, giving their pet a treat in exchange for the parcel.
James,Probably despite my better judgment, I’d like to know, in as much detail as you’d like to provide, what the fuck happened to Sirius.
I can’t give you answers to anything else right now.
Yours,
Remus.
James read the letter quickly before stuffing it in his pocket. He grabbed an apple off the counter and took a bite before waving off to his father.
“Night, Dad!” James called out to his father at 7:50 in the morning as he made his way upstairs and into his bedroom.
How much detail did James want to provide? That was the question that plagued him for the next two and half hours. Remus deserved answers, of course, and James was happy to provide them, but he had to be careful; both of Sirius’s privacy and of Remus’s feelings.
The first letter was shit. James tossed it after he found himself describing, in detail all of the questions he had left unanswered. He didn’t need to make Remus worry any more than he probably already was. The second letter James tried to write veered in a weird direction where James started comparing the different versions of Sirius’s carpet stain to different clever insults they’ve used before. James balled that version up and threw it on the floor. The third version started delving into the theories of what happened to Sirius and why. That didn’t seem appropriate either. James found himself writing in code during his fourth draft, and he scrapped his fifth attempt after he found himself begging Remus for his extra dittany. The sixth attempt wasn’t half bad, except it was riddled with spelling errors and his hand had gotten tired. James groaned and kicked his feet in frustration, his headboard knocked against the wall. James was a good student, honestly he was. James knew how to write a letter. He didn’t know how to have this conversation.
“James? Are you awake?” Euphemia Potter called from behind James’s door a few moments later.
James groaned as he burred the heels of his palms into his eyes. “No!” He called back.
His mother opened the door and stepped inside. He took notice of the many pieces of parchment crumpled up around James’s room. She could see the bags under his eyes, the way he scrunched his nose-his oldest tell that he was tired. “What’s all this?”
“Nothing.” James sighed.
“Are you still inventing potions, beta?” She stepped further inside and sat down next to her son. She took one of the crumpled up pieces of paper and began to read over it.
“Remus wrote me back.” James explained, stretching and rubbing his eyes again. “That’s my latest version of a reply. Best one so far.”
Euphemia laughed. “I won’t ask about your previous versions, then.”
James scowled at her, which only made her laugh more.
“I know the spelling is awful and the handwriting is sloppy.” James droned.
“It’s not in English, darling. How do you expect your friend to read it?”
“Wait, what?!” James snatched the paper out of his mother’s hand and looked it over. Some of it was in English, but his letters slowly turned to loose cursive, then it began to swirl and change until he was writing in devanagari, though more than a bit slanted and written with overtired hands. James held the paper up to his face closely, groaning in embarrassment as he realized his mistake.
Effie continued to chuckle to herself lightly. “Well, I’m glad to know you can still write with so little energy, but your brain needs rest.”
James sighed. He allowed himself to relax against his pillow as his mother pushed back his hair like when he was a boy.
“I know you’re worried about your friends.”
James sighed again, deeper and more resound this time. His eyes closed, but his face drooped into a solemn frown. “I just wish they’d make up already.”
“You were mad at Sirius too” she reminded.
“Yes, but I don’t want to be. I haven’t wanted to be…..” James groaned, he couldn’t think of the right words. He’d been mad at Sirius for a while, of course he had been. But he’d missed his best friend. He didn’t want to lose his loyalty to Remus though and make him feel even more abandoned in this world. Every decision he could have made felt a little wrong and now everything was imploding. He wished Sirius would wake up, he wished Sirius would stop bleeding, he wished Sirius would eat something so that he no longer had to notice how his ribs were visible or how his elbow nearly cut James when he tried helping him up the stairs. He wished he knew what to say to Remus.
“….I want him to get better.”
“He will, my boy. He will get better.” His mother promised James. Her hand continued to run through his hair, down his face, down his wrinkled tired nose. She began humming some of his favorite lullabies from when he was little. Euphemia Potter was a nurturing woman and a wonderful mother who’s maternal instincts had been in overdrive the past few days. She worried about Sirius too. Everybody in this house was worrying about Sirius, but Effie also worried about James. She felt pride as she managed to soothe her son into a deep enough sleep that he didn’t stir when she stood. She pulled a blanket up over James’s shoulder and kissed his forehead. She hoped James would get restful sleep. She wondered how much longer her other son, the one next door, would remain unconscious.
Sirius Black remained sleeping while James managed six hours of sleep. Sirius Black remained sleeping while James visited with his parents and caught up on the progress (or lack there of) towards Sirius’s recovery. Sirius Black remained sleeping while James made himself a plate for dinner and did not eat it at the table. Sirius Black remained sleeping while James ate his dinner on the floor next to Sirius’s bedside, talking his ear off the whole time about anything he could think of. Sirius Black remained asleep.
“You know, if you don’t wake up soon I’m going to tell Moony something ridiculous. Like….your hair is growing purple now and you’ve got a tattoo on your ass with his name on it.” James threatened as he worked on his seventh version of the letter. This one, certainly, would be the one that Remus will get to read.
Sirius Black remained motionless on the mattress. James sighed and returned to his letter.
He sleeps a lot, that’s really all he does. He’s sleeping right now, but I sit with him. When I don’t sit with him, Mom usually does. Dad helps, he’s been making potions for Sirius. Sirius is alive, he breathes. I’m hoping he’s just really tired, you know? Like that time he slept for 14 hours third year and we all thought he might be dead?
It had been a lot more than 14 hours this time, though. Three days was concerning, at what point do they resign and get professional help?
He’s got a fever, Mom says that’s to be expected when his body is still healing so much. He’s got these wounds along his back. They’re big gashes, almost like claw marks, but they aren’t so clustered together. They’re deep, and dittany isn’t helping. Not like it should. Mum’s made a concoction with dittany and honey and who knows what else. She’s been spreading it across his back then topping it with mandrake leaves. She says it’s helping, but it’s slow. It might take a few more days before they’re closed. Have you ever heard of something like that? I’ve looked through all my textbooks and haven’t found much so far. Why do you think that is? You don’t think he’s cursed, do you? He might be. The stain he left on the carpet won’t come out. None of the tricks work, it’s insane. If Sirius is cursed, though, we’ll definitely have to take him to the doctors. I don’t know if curse breakers make house calls.
The whole situation was fucked. James just wanted Sirius to wake up. He wanted his friend back. He wanted to not be locked up in this house anymore, but he wouldn’t let himself leave without knowing Sirius was alright.
“Do you think curse breakers take house calls?” James asked his motionless friend. He was surprised to get a grunt from Sirius not a minute later. James sat up, excited to see if there was any progress.
“Sirius? Hey, can you hear me?” James’s eyes scanned for signs of recognition; a twitch of his lip, a movement of his eyebrow, a slight movement in his cheek, James looked for anything but all he found was drool. At least Sirius was hydrated enough to do that.
“It would be great if you woke up.” James said, settling back down on his spot on the floor beside the bed. “I won’t be mad at you, I promise. I know I said I’d never speak to you again but….” James sighed. “I’m a bloody liar, alright? I miss you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t check in on you, I didn’t want this to happen…..”
James sighed again. He scrubbed his hands over his face and did his best to shake the feeling from his body. Absolutely none of this was James’s fault, but he felt overwhelmingly responsible. For what, he wasn’t entirely sure. He just wanted his friend back. When Sirius didn’t respond to any of his pleas, James resigned himself back to writing.
I don’t like thinking about what they did to him. I asked mom if we should report it, but we don’t know to who. The Ministry, we suppose. It might cause more problems, though. You know how concerned with image his family is. Do they even know he’s here? There’s so many questions, and none of them will get answered until he wakes up. I’m sure you have questions too.I don’t know, Remus. I just don’t know.
I hope this letter finds you well,
James.
The letter was imperfect, but none of the letters would be. How could there be a perfect letter for such a situation? There was nothing perfect about this, not even close. As if James’s world hadn’t been turned completely in the past few months, this only threw more knots into everything. He hoped that Remus might come visit, that he might be able to forgive Sirius. He didn’t know what he would do if this division continued.
Sirius whimpered again. James’s head snapped towards the other and watched. It had been a while since he’d last stirred.
“Hey, it’s okay” James promised, his bum on the floor and eyes level with Sirius’s, though the other’s eyes remained closed. “You’re safe. It’s me, James. Your best mate?”
Sirius’s face scrunched in on itself. His lips pursed into a frown, another whine came deep from the back of his throat.
“Are you in pain?” James asked, as if Sirius would answer him. Sirius whined once more. His hand balled into a fist. James couldn’t tell if he was in pain or scared. Maybe both.
“Hey, shh. It’s okay.” James stood from his position on the floor and slowly sat in the space next to Sirius in bed. “You’re okay.”
For the first time in the three days that Sirius has been here, James saw him move independently and unassisted. He didn’t move much, hardly anything at all, but as James’s body dipped in the mattress next to Sirius, he felt the other’s arm come out towards him.
“Yeah, you’re okay.” James whispered. He carefully got under the covers, wondering if his friend enjoyed his company. He definitely seemed to notice, even if he was still asleep. James took Sirius’s hand in his. It was curled into itself and stiff. It shook ever so slightly. James took a deep breath, as if that would steady Sirius any. It couldn’t, but it would help steady James. “Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?”
Again, Sirius didn’t respond, but James had made up his mind.
It wasn’t long after James had gotten comfortable in bed next to Sirius that there was a knock on the door. Unsurprisingly, Euphemia Potter was behind it with a mug in her hand and a smile on her face that was just as warm.
“You look comfortable, beta.” She hummed. James nodded and watched as his mother crossed the room and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. She gave him the mug, which he accepted without second thought. Milk and honey, warm and sweet, just like when he was a boy.
“Thank you, Mum.” James replied. He put the mug up to his lips, hesitating before taking a sip. “You didn’t put sleeping draught in this, did you? I did sleep today.”
Effie Potter chuckled to herself and shook her head. “No dear, no sleeping draught.”
James smiled and took a sip. His mother brushed back some of his hair lovingly.
“He started to stir.” James said, still cradling the warm mug in his hands. “He was whining. I couldn’t tell if he was scared, or in pain, or just….trying to wake up?” Merlin’s Beard did he wish Sirius would wake up.
Euphemia nodded. She looked over at the boy who’s arm was now strung across James’s lap, keeping him in place. “Looks like you were able to help him.”
The reminder was important. Necessary for James. There was so little they could do, he felt like drowning sometimes if he thought about it for long enough. It was important to remember that he could help, that he was helping. That even though everything felt weird and wrong and different, he could still make a change. His smile was warm as he nodded back to his mother.
“Is he in pain?” James asked. It was a near impossible question to answer, though. He was asleep, deeply. It was hard to tell.
“He’s stopped crying out.” James’s mother reminded him. “And he’s resting. We can assume he’s doing well enough.”
James nodded. He turned his head as his mother reached across him and checked on the gashes wrapped in mandrake leaves along Sirius’s back. He could look at Sirius when he had one of James’s shirts on, he could look at Sirius when his back was green with leaves and honey, but he couldn’t look at the gashes. They reminded him of Remus after incredibly bad moons, they reminded James of what could have happened if Snivellus had gone down that rabbit hole, it made his mind start racing about what in the hell Sirius’s family did to him over the summer.
“Mama?” James asked, his gaze locked on the parchment sitting on the bedside table as his mother reached across him to tend to Sirius’s wounds. “How do you do it?”
“Do what, darling?” Effie asked absently.
“Care for him. You’ve asked no questions, you’ve just….been there for him.”
The room stayed quiet for several long seconds as the question weighed in the room.
“I have many questions, darling.” Effie finally replied. “Many of which I’m sure I will never get an answer to.”
“You’ve been so calm this whole time. Meanwhile I’m ready to tear up the floorboards waiting for answers.”
James was met with a soft sigh. He still didn’t look towards his mother. He didn’t want to see the carnage.
“Patience is a virtue.”
James was ready to roll his eyes, he always was when his mother brought out that phrase. She had reminded him so many times that patience was something to work on, something important, something he wasn’t always very good at.
“You don’t want to go burn that flat down for what they did to him?” James asked impatiently.
The noise that came from his mother next was equally as impatient, but not unkind. “Of course I’m angry. He is a child, beta. And I can’t say I wouldn’t have words or altercations with the people who did this to him if I were to be face to face with them right now, but I’m not. I’m here. Anger is going to do nothing productive here.”
James crossed his arms and huffed. “I was so angry with him. We’d trusted him, you know? I never thought he’d break that. I felt so hurt. Not so much for me, but for Remus. They were so close…..” James bit his lip to keep himself from saying more, getting angrier. He took a deep breath, he drank his warm milk and honey. “I was so angry at him. I’d hoped something bad would happen, so he’d know what it was like. I…..I didn’t mean this.”
“James…..” His mother’s voice was quieter than it had been earlier, more leveled, firm but somehow even more soothing than before. Her hand touched his chin, she lifted it and guided his eyes to hers. “You didn’t do this to him. This isn’t your fault.”
James sniffed.
“He’d hurt you, you had every right to feel upset with him, to be mad. I am so, so deeply sorry that he did. But……” She sighed, thinking about what she wanted to say next. “I’m glad that you’re alright, and your friend is alright. Right now? Right now he is not alright.” Effie’s gaze turned back towards the sleeping boy beside them. “He doesn’t need any more hatred or anger in his life. Right now he needs love, he needs a mother’s love. So that is my baby, and he will get all of the love and patience and care that he needs. That is how I stay calm, because he needs me to be. Do not think that I am not angry too.”
“If this were me?” James questioned after several more seconds of silence.
“If that were you there would be hell to pay.” Effie could see the hint of a smile on her son’s face. “And trust me, if given the opportunity, there will be hell to pay for his abusers too.”
James nodded, he swallowed the lump in his throat. His mother continued on.
“It’s a bit more complicated when he’s not actually ours, I know. But it will work out in the end, you must trust it to.”
Part of James didn’t want to, but he knew about karmic energies. He did have to trust that it would be alright, otherwise his doubt could cloud the outcome. He didn’t want a negative outcome. All he wanted right now was for Sirius to be alright.
James nodded. “Yes, Mama.” His cheek was tapped and his mother smiled back at him.
“Good boy.”
James yawned. He continued to look away from Sirius, focusing instead on the parchment on the side table. His mother followed his gaze and hummed.
“Did you finish your letter to Remus?” She questioned.
James nodded. “I was hoping to send it out tonight.”
“It’s in English this time?” She teased. James smiled back at her and nodded.
“It is.”
The two sat in silence for a while longer.
“I’m assuming you’re spending the night here?” She asked. James nodded again.
“Alright. I can see to it that this gets sent off for you. Are you going to sleep tonight?” She asked, her tone not leaving much room for the other to answer with anything other than yes ma’am.
“Yes, mum. That is the plan.”
“Good boy.” She repeated, standing from her position and giving her son a kiss on the forehead and grabbing the parchment from the side table. “Get some rest now.” She turned off the bedside light and began to make her way back towards the door.
“Mom?” Effie Potter froze in the doorway, turning on her heals to face her son again.
“Are they getting better? We’re not going to have to take him to a curse breaker or anything, are we?”
The mother shook her head calmly. “They’re getting better. Get some sleep, darling. I’ll see you in the morning.”
With that, James lay down and did his best to fall asleep.
It had taken a while for James to drift off into sleep. He wasn’t entirely sure how long it took, he didn’t dream or have any indications that he was sleeping. Everything was just dark and quiet, much how the room had been. James may have never actually thought he’d slept until he found himself being woken up by commotion and a scream.
“Wha?” James shot up from his spot and was met nearly face to face with the other person in the bed. The room was dark, but James could hear Sirius’s panicked breathing. He could see the whites of his eyes. They were so large.
James fumbled for the bedside light, rubbing his eyes as he tried to make more sense of the situation. Sirius was sitting upright, facing James, wide eyed and hyperventilating. His skin was pale, but there was sweat dripping down his face and chest, running over the spots where his bones protruded unnaturally. He was shaking, then he was coughing, doubled over as his body struggled to breathe.
“Mom! Dad!” James called as he scrambled to catch Sirius. He couldn’t run his hands down the other’s back, but he could hold him steady, help him sit up, remind him to breathe.
“It’s okay, it’s okay!” James fought to keep himself from matching Sirius’s breathing rate. He needed to be calmer than Sirius in order to help Sirius. “It was just a dream. You’re okay.”
Footsteps hurried down the hall. The big light turned on. Both Potters were standing in the doorway, Effie in front of her husband.
“Oh!” Mrs. Potter was quick to make it to the bedside. James was holding Sirius upright, the boy’s forehead pressed against James’s shoulder as he heaved and choked for air.
“Breathe, love.” She said as a reminder to both of her children. She was incredibly proud of James, she could see how scared he was but she could also see how hard he was trying to keep Sirius calm. She cupped her hand to her son’s cheek and smiled at him. She had raised a good boy. “In and out, just like that. Keep it up now.”
The three of them sat in the room, reminding each other to breathe for several minutes. Choking turned to wheezing, which turned to coughing, which turned into slower wheezing, which eventually quieted. James had to put Sirius’s hand on his chest and take deep breaths to help his friend figure it out, and Euphemia kept her hand running down James’s back but eventually the struggling stopped and Sirius seemed to still.
“Is he asleep?” The mother asked, her voice a whisper. James gently nudged Sirius, trying to get a look at his face. He could see an eye. He wasn’t sure if it was really looking at anything, but he could see one.
“I don’t think so.”
The two of them helped Sirius up into a sitting position. His eyes were wide but they didn’t track anything in the room. If they did move, it seemed to be at random. They never made contact with anyone else. His whole body shook as it sat upright on its own.
“Sirius?” James asked, trying to get his attention. He snapped, wondering if that would catch the other’s gaze, but it didn’t. James frowned, Effie frowned, they weren’t too sure what this meant. “Can you hear me?”
Sirius’s eyes were wide, they weren’t calm in the slightest, and they also weren’t focused. The boy looked straight forward, he looked almost sick, as if just being awake was causing him pain. It was far from an easy sight to watch.
“It’s alright, you’re safe here.”
There may not be anything they could do, but that wouldn’t stop James from trying to keep his friend calm, to bring him back to reality. He pulled the blanket up over Sirius, wrapping it around his front to protect his injuries and hoping that would stop some of the shaking; he kept talking to him, he held his friend’s hand.
The knock on the door frame is what finally got Sirius’s eyes to follow something. James was nearly slack jaw as he realized his friend was looking up at his father, who was standing with a tray of mugs.
“Warm snack?” Fleamont Potter inquired.
James and Euphemia smiled as the man came closer to bring warm milk for them. Sirius continued to stare, wide eyed, at him. It was off putting, a little bit. Fleamont didn’t get too close, lest he worry Sirius too much. Nobody wanted to make anything worse.
James took a mug and put it up to his lips. More warm milk, honey, cinnamon. He took a sip and hummed. “Very good.” He hoped that Sirius could hear him, that he would trust him, that he’d drink with him. James put his mug down on the nightstand before grabbing another one. He held it up to his friend, offering him an opportunity to his own.
“Go on, try it.”
Sirius’s eyes moved to focus on the mug. They remained just as large and just as fearful as before. His mouth remained firmly closed. He continued to shake.
“It’s alright. It’s sweet milk. Milk and honey and cinnamon.”
Sirius’s mouth remained closed.
“Here. You drink it, like this.” James tried encouraging his friend. He took his mug and took a sip, showing him how it was done. He offered Sirius his mug again, but Sirius did not take it.
James sighed, he looked over to his mother and frowned. She sighed, but she didn’t quite know what to do either.
“Maybe he needs some time.”
James didn’t like that idea, only because he didn’t know how much time Sirius really had. He looked so weak, he needed to eat something. James sighed and sipped at his mug. He checked to see what time it was. Shortly after 3:00am. The Witching Hour. How appropriate.
James took another sip of his milk. He did his best to suppress a yawn, but he wasn’t the most successful. He took another sip of his milk. He sat in silence with his mother for many minutes. Sirius didn’t move outside of shaking. His eyes didn’t move beyond the mug that was assigned for him. He barely even blinked. James took two more sips of his drink before offering his mug to Sirius one more time.
To his surprise, Sirius took a sip. James had to be careful not to drop the mug as he realized what had happened. A bright smile spread across his lips. He held the mug up to Sirius as long as he would drink. He didn’t drink much. One sip, maybe two, but he drank and James was ecstatic. Sirius didn’t seem to think his feat was all that accomplished, or maybe he didn’t realize what he had done. James was proud of him regardless.
“Good, isn’t it?”
Sirius didn’t respond, but that was alright. James could live off of this progress for days.
Nobody fell back asleep that night. Sirius stayed up and James stayed up with him. He tried getting Sirius to eat all sorts of things. Mum brought up sliced pairs, water, tea, crackers, toast, nuts, hummus, grapes, rice, anything they could think of over the next few hours. It was touch and go. James managed to convince Sirius into a few sips of water, only after modeling it himself. He couldn’t get Sirius to eat no matter how hard he tried.
James couldn’t blame Sirius, he didn’t even seem to be there half the time. He’d fade in and out, his eyes sometimes tracking James’s movement or the food, and sometimes they tracked things that weren’t even there. Sometimes his eyes seemed to look at nothing at all. His mother sat with them for a while. She took a cool flannel and cleaned off Sirius’s face. She brushed Sirius’s hair and put it in a braid so that it wouldn’t tangle. She made sure James drank his tea and ate his snacks, just because she knew it would keep him busy and distract him from worrying too much. Keeping busy was the only way they could distract from worry right now.
And it worked, to a degree. The Potters stayed up and kept busy caring for Sirius the very best they could. They kept him warm, they kept him clean, they were going to try watching the sunrise together. They nearly did. The dark black of the sky turned grey. It hadn’t yet turned pink or orange or yellow or blue when Sirius’s nose began to bleed. It was James who noticed first, the drops of crimson splattering on the bed sheets, onto Sirius’s hands. He was careful to point it out to his mother, who very gently tried to bring it to Sirius’s attention. He didn’t move at any of her advancements. He didn’t seem to notice anything until he was being guided to sit forward and someone was pinching his nose closed.
Sirius’s eyes got even wider. He couldn’t breathe, he was choking. Why was his nose closed? He was choking. Sirius coughed, he struggled against the hand. His arms flailed, he pushed against the people around him. He fell to the floor. Sirius gasped for air, he put his hand up to his face. Sirius pulled his hand away and jumped backwards, he let out a startled scream. Much like a baby deer, Sirius found himself stumbling backwards, out the hall and away from where he was. He didn’t know where he was going other away from where he currently was.
“Sirius!” James called out after him.
Neither boys made it far. Sirius dragged himself down the hall to the bathroom. He managed to drag himself inside, pulling himself up by the sink. Sirius’s eyes met his own for the first time since his brother dressed him days ago. They were wild, they were scared, his face was dripping with blood.
“Sirius.” The voice came from the door. James was concerned, he’d quieted himself down. He stood in the doorway, trying to calm his disoriented and startled friend. James didn’t know about the doctor who visited Sirius over the summer. He didn’t know what Sirius was seeing in his reflection. He didn’t know that Sirius wasn’t in his own mind, or in his own bathroom. All James knew was that his friend was hurt and scared and all James wanted to do was help.
Sirius’s legs were like jelly. They let out underneath him only seconds later. James wasn’t quick enough to catch him. He was like a rag doll, limp and lifeless. Sirius breathed, Sirius bled. His eyes weren’t wide and scared anymore, they were closed. James fell to the floor beside him. His mother was the one the found the two. His father was the one who peeled James off the floor and walked him downstairs away from the mess.
James didn’t go upstairs for many hours after that. He stayed in the den, working on the stain in the carpet. He kept busy, he stayed useful, he was going to get rid of the blood. Sirius was cleaned up and taken back to bed. Mum had been in the room with him since then. James was scared to ask what she was doing, he was scared to ask how Sirius was.
Sirius didn’t wake up, no owl came, James scrubbed at the carpet to get out the blood.
Sirius slept through the night. James paced in his room. Mrs. Potter fed Sirius drops of a nourishment potion her husband had made with an eye dropper. Each Potter attempted sleep that night. It was fitful.
The next morning James sat in front of his parchment, staring blankly. He hadn’t gotten an owl back from Remus yet but their family owl had returned the night before. He didn’t know what that meant entirely. It might mean that Remus wanted no more information, that he’d made his decision and given up on the matter, but James didn’t believe that. Not deep down. Everything inside of him was telling him to send just one more.
Moony,He’s still not awake. He was for a little bit, but he’s not really there. He hasn’t eaten yet. It feels cruel to ask you to come, though I’d be lying if I said I couldn’t use a distraction. If you don’t come down that’s alright. You sent Ramona back with no letter, so maybe you don’t want this update.
He’s scared of blood now, I think. That’s a story for later, though. Sorry.
Best,
James
James sent the letter off that afternoon without proof reading or thinking. He spent the rest of the day reading or experimenting. For a while he took his radio into Sirius’s room and they listened to the Ballycastle Bats play Puddlemore United. James hoped that Sirius could hear him while he was unconscious, he hoped that Sirius could listen to the game, that he could think or dream about something normal and pleasant. James was not a patient man and in true Sirius Black fashion, Sirius was really testing his patience.
On the sixth morning after Sirius’s arrival, Sirius woke again. There was no nightmare to stir him out of bed, no large signal that he was awake. James simply woke up with Sirius’s gaze staring directly through him. That’s how Sirius looked for much of the day. Nobody tried to move him from the bed this time, worried that too much activity would cause him to loose consciousness again. James did his best not to crowd Sirius, but he did spend much of his day trying to get him to eat. He managed a few sips of water again and a spoonful of ice cream. James tried to keep himself excited about this progress, even though it had taken him all day to get that much into Sirius and James knew that wasn’t sustainable. It was still progress, and they still had nourishment potions they could try and sneak him. Sirius had been here nearly a week and he was finally awake. Their efforts hadn’t been for naught.
James still hadn’t heard from Remus by the seventh morning, the day he was supposed to arrive at the Potters’ for the week. James assumed that meant he wouldn’t be coming, and he didn’t blame the other for not wanting to stay. Things were tense here, they hadn’t gotten any better. Sirius was still awake. James wasn’t sure if Sirius slept last night or not. Sirius had been sitting in the same position in the morning that he had been the night before when James tucked in. James did his best not to let that bother him as he made himself comfortable on the bed next to his friend.
“Mum made pancakes this morning.” James greeted, plate and juice in hand. “They’re good. She put blueberries in them. You like it when she does that.”
Acting like things were normal helped a little bit. They weren’t normal, it was painfully obvious, but James liked to think that it helped, he could pretend. Sirius didn’t look at James. He didn’t blink or grunt or move. His eyes looked forward towards the door and they didn’t move. Sirius ate a bit of pancake when James put it up to his mouth and James’s smile could have lit up the room. James praised Sirius, he tried to get him to eat another bite but they were interrupted by a clanging downstairs.
While Sirius’s body didn’t move, his breathing did pick up pace. James had become more aware of these subtle nuances in the past few days. He knew the sound had scared Sirius, it had surprised James. He knew he needed to investigate.
“It’s alright, yeah? I’ll go see what it is.”
Sirius didn’t respond. James pretended that he did, though. Great idea, James! James told himself as he stood up, gave Sirius another smile, and then headed downstairs to see what the noise was.
The noise was, somewhat surprisingly, Remus Lupin. He looked exhausted, but more in the stayed up all night studying sense than no rest after a moon way. Which was good, because it was a week after the moon, but it also wasn’t good. Did this mean that Remus had been worrying?
“You came.” James said, a little bit stunned.
Remus brushed off the soot that came with traveling via floo and readjusted his bag over his shoulder. He nodded at James. “I came.”
James didn’t reply with words but by pulling Remus into a large hug. He’d missed his friend. He was so glad that Remus was here.
“I got your letters. I’m sorry for not replying to them.” Remus finally said.
“That’s fine” All was forgiven. There was nothing to forgive. There was an awkward tension between the two. James wasn’t sure if this was the right time to ask do you want to see him? despite the question being pressed at the back of his throat. Remus hadn’t wanted anything to do with Sirius just mere weeks ago, but now he was here, knowing full well that Sirius was also.
A noise from the kitchen relieved the tension. James remembered there were pancakes. “Are you hungry?” James asked, his body already moving towards the kitchen. “Mum made pancakes. Regular and with blueberries, though I bet she’d make some with chocolate chips if you’d like. And there’s juice, and chai, and…”
“Mum made me eat before I left.” Remus cut James off, allowing hims friend to relax slightly, but Remus did follow James into the kitchen. “I should say hi to your mum and dad though.”
And say hi they did. Remus sat at the kitchen table with the Potters and caught up with them. For a few minutes things very nearly felt normal in the house. But Remus hadn’t been doing much of anything this summer other than wallowing, the conversation could only last so long before it turned to the elephant in the room. Nobody was sitting with Sirius, and James and Effie seemed to realize this at the same time.
“I should go…” Mrs. Potter excused herself politely. James felt just as anxious. He stood along with his mom and motioned for Remus to come upstairs too.
“Come on, lets get you settled in, yeah?”
It didn’t take long to settle into James’s room. Remus only had one bag, he’s only staying for a week. He has shirts and underwear and a spare change of trousers, a few pajamas, his chocolates, his toothbrush and deodorant, a pack of smokes, a few books, and the remaining supply of his dittany. The bag sat happily on the floor next to James’s bed, it didn’t really need to be unpacked. Remus and James sat in silence for what could have been ages.
“Have his wounds gotten any better?” Remus finally asked.
James stared at him, surprised, then nodded. “Mum says they’re very nearly closed now.”
That was good news at least. Remus nodded, eyeing his bag and thinking about the dittany he had just in case.
“Has he eaten any?”
“A little.” James responded. “Not much, though.”
Remus nodded. The boys sat in uncomfortable silence for a while more.
“Do you want to see him?”
Sirius remained in his bed, where he’d been for the past week. He was sitting upright, leaning against a pile of pillows along the headboard. His eyes were wide, their position hadn’t changed, he was staring directly at the door frame. His hair was still in a braid but it had been a few days since it had been done and frizz clung to his temples. His skin was pale, paler than usual and his features were more defined than ever. He was clearly sick. The shirt he’d been given from James’s wardrobe hung off him like a sheet, Remus could see his collar bones sticking out. If he looked close enough he could see dark spots where bruises were still healing, but Remus didn’t try to look too closely. Sirius’s eyes bore straight through him, hollow and almost dead. They were the same eyes Remus had seen behind his eyelids the night he got James’s first letter. Remus had seen the worst case scenario in his dreams, but somehow the reality was much, much worse. He hadn’t expected to see those eyes, he hadn’t ever thought Sirius could look so lifeless.
Remus felt like he was going to be sick.
He hadn’t lasted longer than ten seconds in the room before excusing himself to James’s, then quickly down the stairs.
Remus hadn’t been in the room for more than ten seconds. He looked into Sirius’s eyes and couldn’t recognize the person sitting in front of him. If he would have looked for a second more, he would have seen Sirius’s iris’s shift ever so slightly. He would have seen Sirius’s lip quirk upwards, he would have seen the spark of recognition come across his face. If Remus would have looked at Sirius for a second longer, he would have seen a glimmer of hope flash across Sirius’s face as he realized his light was standing right in front of him.
But the sight of Sirius made Remus itchy and ill. Remus was brave enough for coming here, but he wasn’t brave enough to stay. James was, perhaps, the only person who recognized this in the moment. James saw the glimmer of hope in Sirius’s eyes before he realized that Remus was turning away. James, perhaps, was the only person who saw Sirius come to life, just for a moment, only to watch him fade back into obsidian as Remus turned his back and left.
It took James two more seconds to realize that Moony was running down the stairs. He was going to run back to the fireplace, he was going to run home. James couldn’t let that happen.
“Remus, wait!” He called after the other, flying down the steps behind him. “You can’t leave, don’t you dare!”
James pulled out his wand and aimed it at the fireplace, spilling floo powder everywhere and making it impossible for Remus to easily collect enough to travel with. Remus growled. He stomped heavily in protest before pivoting towards the kitchen and out the door to the back garden.
“Just...stop! You can’t go!” James called out.
Remus was digging through his bag as soon as he was outside. He pulled out his cigarettes and put one between his lips. He could hear James calling after him but he didn’t stop. Not until he had jumped over the short stone fence that bordered the edge of their property and sat down behind it. He’d managed to light his cigarette and take one deep drag before James was jumping over fence with him.
“You can’t go.”
Remus didn’t respond to James. Not at first. He didn’t have anything to say. He just wanted to get that hollow stare out of his head. It haunted him. It was there every time he closed his eyes.
“I know it’s hard to look at, but please. You just got here.”
Remus swallowed thickly. He took another drag of his cigarette. He didn’t look James in the eye. “This was a mistake. I’m sorry, James.”
James frowned, he looked down at the ground, then up at the sky. He sighed and held out his hand. “Are you going to share?”
Remus grumbled but he fished another cigarette out of its carton for James. Neither of them said anything for a while.
“I hate this.” Remus finally admitted. “I hate this so much.”
“Join the club.”
“He looks so sick”
“He is sick”
“I can’t do this.” Remus told himself.
“You have to.” James replied.
“No I don’t!” Remus shouted, exploding with energy this time. “No….I don’t. Because why? Why should I? Why...why did I even come here in the first place? God, Remus. You’re so fucking stupid.” Remus groaned.
“You’re not stupid.” James tried to soothe.
“I am! I’m a bloody idiot! Or a masochist, or…..” Remus blinked hard to keep his tear ducts from overflowing. He took a deep, heaving breath. “How many times will he break my heart before I stop running back to him?”
The silence hung damp and heavy between them. Remus stood up as he finished his cigarette, he looked up at the sky and down at the grass. He thought about rolling down the hill he sat atop, falling into the small creek below. He stretched, he stayed in his place.
“You can’t leave.” James repeated as his anxiety grew.
“So you’re on his side now?” Remus snapped defensively.
“No!” James stood up too. He groaned, because maybe he was on Sirius’s side. He didn’t know, he didn’t want to take sides. “He hurt you, yeah. I know. He hurt me too. But……” This sucked. This absolutely sucked. “But you’re okay right now and he…...he is so bloody far from okay it’s scary. And he needs help.”
“And you’re doing a great job of that without me.” Remus’s tone was bitter and upset. He didn’t need to be here, the Potter’s had everything under control. Remus was stupid for thinking he’d be strong enough to handle this.
“You were too busy running away to see that he recognized you!” James spat. The silence was heavy and thick once more.
“He recognized you, I saw it. And that, that half second his face lit up? That is the closest thing to awake I’ve seen from him this whole week.”
Remus’s chest was both tight and heavy. His heart wanted to rip out of his chest and run away and Remus wanted to let it. His throat was tight too. He could breathe but swallowing was hard. Talking was impossible. Tears rolled down Remus’s face despite his best efforts to keep his emotions contained. He kept his back turned to James so that it wasn’t as obvious. He didn’t speak because he couldn’t. What did James mean Sirius recognized him? And why did that confession hurt so much?
“It’s hard and it hurts and the bastard might break our hearts a hundred more times before it’s over but he looked at you, he knew who you were, I know it. That’s more than he’s done for mum and I all week. Please, Remus.” James begged. “If you still care about him at all…….please. We can be mad at him when he’s better again. But…….I want to give him the chance to be better again and I don’t know if I’m enough.”
Remus could hear the sadness in James’s voice, James was weeping too. Remus balled his fists, he squeezed his eyes closed as tightly as possible, he willed himself to be stronger than he actually was. He did still care about Sirius, he wouldn’t be here in the first place if he didn’t. When Remus turned, his watery eyes were met with James’s. It was a rare moment to see either of them cry, but this whole situation was rather unique, and nobody loved Sirius more than these two.
“Fuck him.” Remus said with tears rolling down his eyes.
James nodded. He wiped his face with his hands to hide his tears. “Fuck him, yeah.”
The two boys stood like that for several more minutes, unmoving and without anything else to say. The wind blew, the sun shone down on them, the day was otherwise very peaceful. Remus wiped at his eyes a half dozen times before the tears stopped coming, James’s never really ended. Somehow, though, the energy eventually settled enough to where James wasn’t worried that Remus would run away. He hadn’t run yet, his feet had stayed planted firmly. After several more seconds of settled silence, James was the one to break it.
“Are you ready to go back inside?”
Remus’s movements were slow. He wasn’t sure he was ready and he definitely wasn’t sure he could go back in to see Sirius right now, but he was tired of standing out here and he wasn’t going to run away. Remus took a deep breath, he nodded, and with all the courage he could muster, he followed James back inside.