Chapter 1
Chapter 1: Holding On
10/11/13
People don’t talk about the moments after a storm. How heavy the air feels in the aftermath, thick with limited moisture. How, when you reach out to touch something to ground yourself, it feels like your hand is stuck to the surface. Our hands were still intertwined, but even if I wanted to let go, I doubt I could. I knew that I should be mad at you for the choice you made. This storm was my fault. I was supposed to be dead on the cold floor of Blackwell’s bathroom, but you didn’t let that happen.
I wanted to just close my eyes. As much as I hated Arcadia Bay I never wished to see it like this, but this was a choice that I let you make. I stood by that decision. I knew you wouldn’t let yourself look away. I could see every thought running through your eyes—you were going to punish yourself for me. There was a tight feeling forming in my chest and I knew exactly why. I hated that you would do this to yourself, let alone do this all for me, but my eyes stared into the eye of the storm regardless. Despite the storm of emotions raging inside of me and the tears preparing to rain out of my eyes, one thought cut through all of it. All this… for me.
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10/12/13
My fingers absentmindedly drummed on the upper part of the steering wheel as I drove, my eyes flicking over at you, slumped in the passenger seat. I fully intended on letting you get your rest in, but today I was going to at least focus on driving us away from the ruins of Arcadia Bay. I didn’t know where we were going, but I knew once you were awake that you’d need to message your parents so I headed towards Washington in case you needed to see them.
The road seemed to be endless, but the stretch of highway was at least a constant for now. Seeing standing trees around us and a clear sky was helping me clear my head a bit, the sights of the Bay still haunted me, but here, everything seemed untouched. Despite my better judgment, I looked into the rear view mirror and could only imagine the wreckage we left behind.
My fingers kept tapping a rhythm against the wheel—not a song, just something to hold onto. The rhythm kept me grounded, but still there was you. This time my eyes lingered on you for longer than a split second and I could only imagine the crushing weight on your shoulders. The way you crumpled into the seat and didn’t so much as stir both concerned me and brought me some peace. You had fallen asleep in a position that I had grown familiar with since we were just kids. It was the way you would curl into a ball when everything in life seemed to be shitty, making yourself feel as little as possible, allowing you to hide from the world that had wronged you. You clutched your chest tightly with your arms crossed as if you were desperately clinging onto yourself to brace the cold. And yet, in spite of that, you drew your legs inward towards your chest, letting them rest against your hands. While it didn’t look comfortable to me, I knew that it was the one thing that brought you comfort at your lowest lows. But even so, I could only imagine how drained you had to be from using your powers so extensively over the past day, so seeing you asleep was still comforting.
It was around two in the afternoon when I noticed you shift beside me while releasing a soft, small sound from your lips. It was great to hear you waking up. It put my mind at ease and let me know that you were okay, which was all that I needed.
I watched as you slowly stretched your legs down to the floor of the truck and unwrapped yourself as you let out a light yawn. Shit. I hadn’t even thought of what to say when you wake up, I’m sure you were going to be absolutely going through it this morning. You looked lost, your sweet doe eyes looked up at me as if you weren’t sure I was real or another nightmare. “Hey SuperMax” I said, letting one of my hands leave the steering wheel and resting it on the center console in case you wanted to hold it.
From the corner of my eye I saw you rub your eyes before taking in our surroundings. You looked dazed. Confused. It was like you didn’t know if when you woke up you were somewhere better or worse. After roughly getting your bearings, your coarse, low morning voice mustered the question “Where are we?”
“Middle of fucking nowhere,” I said with a soft chuckle in an attempt to lighten the mood, but was met with no such response. Fuck. Stupid thing to say--like this was the time for jokes. “I was just going to drive until you got up. General direction is Seattle. I dunno. You might want to see your folks.” If I were you, that’s where I would want to be. But now, Joyce is gone. Dad had been gone. Sure David had at least stepped up when it counted, but that wasn’t enough for me. Shit. I’m gonna have to call him.
You still didn’t give much of a response as you turned back away from me and stared out the window at the trees racing by. The hand still on the wheel resumed its rhythmic tapping automatically. A nervous habit. A grounded distraction. I knew that you were just thinking, but the silence pressed down on me like a weight. I couldn't even imagine what to say, but that was when I felt it-- your hand. Without even looking away from the window you had slipped your hand atop mine, our fingers brushing against one another’s. You threaded them into mine and held on with a pressured, tight squeeze and that’s when I heard it. A soft sob. I knew that there was nothing to say so I just kept driving and let you hold onto me. Now it was just you, me, an endless road, and a rough silence. It was just going to be the two of us now. I knew that was enough for me, but I could be enough for you.
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We were only an hour outside of Seattle, but according to you “I looked like I needed the rest” so I took your advice, after all, you knew me better than I knew myself. Our hands remained intertwined from the time you woke up to when we got out of the rust bucket in the motel parking lot.
I walked over to the passenger side of the truck, finally getting a good look at you. You looked even more exhausted than before, the dingy neon light coming off the motel sign only highlighted the bags under your eyes. “Hey Chloe I’m going to call my parents” you said wearily. It was the first time I had heard you use my name all day and it was as I watched you dial the number into your phone.
“Good idea, I’ll go and try to get us a room” I replied with agency, already intending on spending my night making sure I’m there for you as much as I can. I knew that I had to turn away from you to go inside and get us a place for the night, but I didn’t want to stop looking at you. In all honesty, I haven’t wanted to leave your side since I bumped back into you in Blackwell’s parking lot. But that’s not how life works, people leave or vanish. People always end up turning away.
The lobby of the motel was anything but nice, still though it would beat sleeping in the truck if we could avoid it. The room was small, but decorated with a clear purpose that hadn’t been properly maintained. Whether it was the yellow paint starting to peel like an upright fingernail or the ceiling fan covered in dust, I didn’t have the best feeling about where we were, but at this point, we didn’t have that many options.
Once I reached the desk I waited a few moments hoping a lackadaisical employee would eventually come over and help me. After a minute or so of rocking on my heels, I ran out of oddities to focus on in the room and dinged the small little bell on the end of the desk. Immediately, a loud creak pierced my ears from behind the ajar door behind the counter as a raspy voice did its best to yell “Coming!”
My eyes were met with a shorter man who seemed to have enough wrinkles to map out the entirety of the greater California area. He gave me a quick glance over and seemed to debate if my punky exterior meant I was going to be a nuisance. “Need a room?” He asked with the same gravely, tired voice from before.
“Y-yeah” I stumbled over my words, as much as I would tell Max I couldn’t give a damn what people thought of me, I truly did. I realized that my hand was now clutching my opposite elbow lightly as I gently bit down on my inner lip. My eyes flicked down as I continued, unsure “I’ll take whatever you got. Me and my uh…” I started to trail off not even knowing where Max and I stood at this moment “my friend just need somewhere to crash for the night.”
As the man began I let my eyes come back towards his own, “Ah alrighty let me see here.” I watched as his hands began to meticulously type on a keyboard that was hidden by the counter. From the way he typed, he clearly wasn’t too accustomed to technology. It’s probably good that I didn’t use the word girlfriend, granted I dunno if we even are dating. “Well missy it seems like we got a couple of options here… but they are all singles. I could do two rooms for you if you’d like” he poked his head around the monitor as he awaited a reply.
I slid a hand into my pocket, feeling what little cash I had left. We hadn’t even stopped to eat today so best case I’ll have to order us some dinner. “Could we just do one” I half-whispered out of semi embarrassment as well as being flustered. I don’t want to make things awkward by us only having one bed, but there really isn’t a smart option.
“Oh yes of course” he replied swiftly. I was taken a bit aback by no comment or physical judgement on his face. Either he was too tired to care or I was just too tired myself to even think about it. “Just give me one second dearie” I felt my face cringe at being called that, it felt demeaning. Sounded like something that David would say when he wanted to get under my skin. David. Fuck. I need to call him. Max said he was in the bunker when the storm hit. He had to be okay… right?
The man disappeared into the back room for a brief moment before he returned with a key. His fingers clung around the ring tightly as if he was expecting me to try and take it and run. “That’ll be 68 dollars” he croaked as his free hand tapped against the counter impatiently.
I let my hand slide into my back pocket with a quiet sigh. I felt the coarse leather of my wallet as I begrudgingly brought it out of my jeans. Thankfully, when I opened it no flies came out, but still there was only around 100 bucks in cash inside. It would cover this, but I doubt much more for us, we’d need to find some way to get money. Through my shaking hands, I hesitantly handed over three twenty dollar bills to the guy behind the counter.
After he spent way too long checking the money to ensure it was real, he handed me my change and a key. “It’s room 12 should be just a ways down. Checkout is at 11. No later.” I didn’t even bother to say a quick thank you, I just turned out the door and started to head back to the truck.
You were facing away from the building, but I could see you were still on the phone as I approached from behind. “Y-yeah, Mom… I know” your voice was breaking apart as if you were mere seconds away from crying-- like you had none of the answers your family expected you to have. I hesitated, watching your shoulders rise and fall with each shaky breath that you took, but before I could overthink it, I stepped forward, closing the space between us more.
Slowly, I raised my arms around you from behind as I rested my chin on your shoulder. For a moment you stiffened, but quickly realized it was me and melted back into my body suddenly. It was as if the dam of emotions that had built up were just flooded out of you as your body moved into mine.
“Look, Mom. I--I gotta go. Bye.” Your voice cracked mid-sentence. I heard your mother try to say ‘I love you’ before you hung up, cutting her off.
Your hands lifted, fingers curling around my arm tightly with a quiet desperation, like you needed something still to hold onto. Like you weren’t sure I was real.
I tightened my hold-- not too much, not to a crushing degree, but just enough so you’d know I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
There was no real way of knowing how long I stayed there holding you. The crisp October air was accompanied by a distant humming of the neon sign of the motel. I didn’t let go, but neither did you.
Then, barely above a whisper, you finally broke the silence. “I… I don’t know what to do, Chloe.” Your voice was soft, hollow, like an unraveling spool of thread in my arms.
I swallowed hard, my chin still at rest on your shoulder before replying in a whisper “Me neither.” I knew it wasn’t the answer that I wish I had for you, there wasn’t a word I could say to make things better without just being a liar. So I did the only thing that I could think of, I held you tighter in my embrace hoping that would be enough.
After another moment, you finally let go, bringing your palms to your eyes as you released a heavy sigh before turning to me. Your red-rimmed eyes met mine for a second, like I was the only thing holding you together.
I spent a second adjusting my hold on you while thinking of what I was supposed to say, but there wasn’t a good answer. But, I knew that for you, I didn’t need one.
“Let’s go inside,” I said softly.
You gave a nod as you gripped onto my sleeves tightly as if you didn’t want to let go. I wasn’t going to make you. I moved my hands from being wrapped behind you to letting you hold my hand tightly as we turned towards the motel. With my free hand, I checked the key. Room 12. Without a word, I led us there.