Fractured Light
As soon as Chloe led us into the room I was confronted with only a single bed in front of me. It wasn’t an unwelcome surprise-- in fact, it was more reassuring than anything. I could tell that I didn’t hide the shock on my face properly when you turned to me.
“S-sorry” you stuttered as you let go of my hand before running your own through your bluenette hair “I should’ve asked if--”
“It’s okay,” I cut in before you could start to overthink any more than I know you already are.
Your hand was still in your hair, fingers gripping at the dyed strands for another moment before you let out a sigh and allowed your hand to fall to your side. You shifted your weight from one foot to the other as you couldn’t figure out what to do.
I went ahead and stepped further into the room, placing my messenger bag down on the floor, leaning it against the bed. That was really all I had to my name at this point beyond the clothes on my back. I let my fingers brush against the end of the bed before I sit down on the edge. The bed wasn’t exactly plush or comfortable, but it wasn’t exactly stiff either, it’s good enough.
Instead of coming and sitting with me, your hand raised from your side and started to rub the back of your neck. “Uh… I can sleep on the floor if you want.”
I looked up at you with a now raised eyebrow “Chloe.”
“What.”
I tilted my head and gave you a look that I knew you would understand. That look was met with a sigh as your shoulders deflated and your posture relaxed.
“It’s just--” you started, but then stopped yourself, your eyes flicked to mine, holding a gaze for what felt like a moment longer than you intended to before your eyes quickly darted away. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
“You’re not,” I answered maybe a moment too quickly.
You didn’t say anything to me, you gave a blink as if you were waiting on me to take it back. But I didn’t. I meant it. I felt the weight in the room shift around like it was heavier than before, but it wasn’t in a bad way. It was more like the weight in my chest had finally settled, like now it was grounding me as opposed to suffocating me.
I shifted on the bed before patting the spot next to me, “Come sit?”
I watched as you hesitated for a second. Then, as you slowly exhaled, I watched you step further into the room before sitting down next to me. I could feel the warmth of your body radiating onto me, but it wasn’t close enough to touch. Not yet.
I was utterly exhausted, but part of me needed you still. To communicate. To have you near me. This past week made me feel like you were a part of my whole and I don’t think I can do without you. Not again. I antsily shifted in place as I tried to think of something to say. Anything really. Maybe words of comfort? At this point I’m not all too sure.
I felt my tongue run along my lips as my throat tightened while I tried to find the right words to say. Why did it seem so hard to find something to say this close to you? The air between us was thick, charged with something I couldn’t quite name—but I could feel it jolting against my skin, buzzing at the edges of my senses like the static right before a storm.
I forced my lips to part just trying to make some cohesive statement come out “I, uh…” But of course, there was still nothing. I let out a quiet sigh before a breathless laugh followed as I shook my head. “Why is this so hard?”
You slightly turned towards me, your mouth appeared to be attempting to form a smile, but it clearly couldn’t manage one. “Because we’re us?”
A soft chuckle escaped me as I rocked a bit while laughing “Yeah. That sounds about right.”
This was nice. Something I missed. Something that I got to feel this past week for the first time in five years.
The bed shifted again, but this time it wasn’t from me. It was your body shifting. Your presence was continuing to ground me in whatever reality I had sentenced us to. And that’s when I noticed why you shifted. Your hand. It was resting closer to me now-- in fact, it was close enough that if I barely moved our pinkies would brush against one another.
I decided to muster the little courage I had as I let my pinky brush against yours, shooting a ripple through my body from just the slightest touch. A slow exhale escaped my lips, one that I wasn’t even aware I was holding, as my heart stuttered. Slowly, I turned my hand over, allowing our fingertips to graze against one another’s before I loosely curled them together.
Once more, I felt you shift again, but this time instead of your hand moving, it was you moving. You were softly pressing your shoulder into mine causing my breath to catch, but I didn’t move. I didn’t want to.
Your free hand hesitantly lifted, like you weren’t sure if you were allowed to. But, I didn’t stop you. I let your fingertips gently dance across my cheek as you tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. The touch was fleeting, but enough to cause my heart to start racing.
“Max” you whispered soft enough that I could barely hear it over my pounding chest.
I turned my head towards you fully. You were closer now. But you still weren’t as close as I’d like.
I swallowed, letting my lips part as I hesitated for a moment while finding your blue eyes with my own. I started to lean in, slow, but partially timid as well, like I’m afraid of what this meant, of what would happen if I let myself have this. If I let myself have you.
But it all faded away the moment that our lips met.
It was just the softest thing, the lightest of touches, but I could feel a warmth growing in my chest, a raging fire warming me from the inside out.
You let out a breath against my lips, one clearly of surprise, but also one that seemed to show you weren’t against it. But before I even had a moment to second guess myself, you kissed me back.
The kiss was deeper now, less tentative and more certain. I felt your hand slide around to the back of my neck as your fingers found their way into my hair bringing me closer to you. It was like you were afraid that I would slip away. Like you could never let me go. And all that I wanted you to know was that I wasn’t going anywhere.
A soft sound escaped my throat as I felt my body melt into yours, as my hands made their way to your jacket searching for something to hold onto. Something to make me know this isn’t just a dream and is my reality. That was when I started to believe you were actually here. The first time today that I didn’t feel like I was walking through a hazy dream. You were everywhere. Your unmistakable Chloe scent of weed, booze, and bad decisions. Your body warmth that was able to keep me cozy in this cold motel. The way that you were sighing into my mouth as if you had been wanting this for just as long as I had. Chloe Price was right here and kissing me.
The kiss lingered, it was slow and deep, but mainly, it was full of all the things that we had left unsaid between one another.
When our lips finally parted, I didn’t move away. Our foreheads rested against one another as my hands remained taut around you clutching onto you desperately. When my eyes finally opened, I looked up at you both dazed and breathless. “Chloe…” I let out a soft whisper, still generally unsure of what to say.
But that’s when I saw it. You had given me a soft smile. I watched as you raised your thumb and brushed my cheek as you whispered back, “I’m here.” And for the first time in five years, I believe you.
For a moment there we lingered. The quiet drone of the spinning fan above us was the only sound that could be heard beyond our mingled, quiet breaths. It was clear that neither of us would want to let go of the other first.
Your breath against mine was cold, it was like that of a ghost, it only made my fear of losing you again even stronger. My fingers instinctively curved tighter into your jacket. I had to know this was real and actually meant something. That you weren’t dead. That I wasn’t dreaming. That I wouldn’t just wake up tomorrow from this nightmare in my dorm room back in Blackwell.
I tried to open my mouth again to say anything, but no words came out. I didn’t have the slightest idea what to say as I mustered out your name again softly “Chloe…”
“Mm?” You hummed slowly and playfully as you ran your thumb across my cheek once more.
I shook my head slightly, my nose grazing yours as I whispered “I just… I don’t want this to be a mistake. I don’t want to ruin things. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hey, hey” you cooed as your arms wrapped back around me pulling me into you tightly, “Look at me Maximus, do I look like I think this is a mistake? Do I look like I think you’re going to hurt me?”
I bit my lip and hesitated before responding, not making eye contact “No. But… I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”
One of your hands settled in my hair as you leaned a bit away from me. Your other hand now found its way to my hip as you replied. “Listen and look at me” you waited until I actually looked at you, “You won’t.”
I don’t know what it was or how you said it, but I believed you. My chest ached as you said that, I knew you meant it, but still I would never forgive myself if I hurt you. But if you were going to trust me, I had to trust myself.
I slowly exhaled as I let my grip on you loosen, “Okay” I softly whispered more for my sake than yours just to know that I actually believed you. In response, you gave me a small goofy grin and leaned in once more-- not for a kiss, but to nuzzle your nose against my temple. A reassuring gesture that was unbearingly soft.
“Now c’mon, dork” you murmured in a teasing tone, “We need to get ourselves some sleep before you overthink yourself into oblivion.”
A breathless laugh escaped me as I let myself fall into your shoulder before groaning “Too late.”
You chuckled, shifting back on the bed and I let you tug me down with you. I let you pull me closer, let your arms wrap around me, let myself rest against your chest like it was the most natural thing in the world.
And maybe it was. And maybe that was okay.
I burrowed my head into your chest, gently moving into a more comfortable position as you managed to move the shitty hotel blanket on top of us. The warmth of your body was already comfortable enough, but I didn’t mind it given the spinning fan above us. It wasn’t long that I felt the weight of my eyelids as they drooped down before finally closing as I drifted to sleep in your arms for the first time.
…
I felt the cold cloth against my skin and could immediately recognize where I was. My hands were tied, bound together by duct tape. My body and brain had gone numb due to whatever drugs had been flushed into my system. The only thing that broke the silence was the flickering shots of a camera as Mr. Jefferson taunted me.
“Oh Max, you would have been such a great partner of mine. You, Nathan, me, we could have it all work perfectly, you know that?” I wanted to scream, to kick him, to do anything, but I was stuck and had to bear the torturous sounds of his voice. “Between you and Victoria tonight may be my best shoot yet” a soft chuckle erupted from the man as his hand met my skin and manipulated my position on the floor.
I couldn’t control my body, but I could feel my breath’s pace rapidly speeding up. Drops of sweat dripped down my face as the bright lights of the darkroom started to burn my skin. The pounding sensation of my heart ready to beat out of my chest was the only thing I could even acknowledge now. “Damn bitch is waking up” I heard Jefferson mutter as you moved out of my frame of vision. He was rattling with some sort of table as I heard an unmistakable sound of latex. The type of sound that could only coincide with him preparing to do something that he would need gloves to get away with. Before I knew it he was back in front of me with some sort of syringe.
“No” I weakly gasped as all words seemed deeply lodged in my own throat.
It was then that he started to close the distance between us and I started to wheeze as I could feel the coldness of the tarp beneath me even more. His smirk was cruel as he commanded “Stop shaking.”
Before I even realized what was going on there was a sharp pain in my abdomen. A blinding pain exploded in my ribs as his boot connected with my side. The wind was fully knocked out of me. My once antsy breath seemingly stopped altogether as the kick had enough force to roll me onto my back as my vision faded.
When I opened my eyes again I was back in the motel, but I wasn’t in the same position I fell asleep in. Chloe was sitting up in bed holding me. “Fuck, Max, you’re awake thank God.” Your arms were wrapped around me tightly as you lowered your head and gave a soft kiss on my forehead. “You started breathing really fast and shaking. Are you okay?”
It was then that I noticed that my breaths were coming out in short, rapid gasps that I couldn’t control. It took me a moment before I could force any words out “I-it was a nightmare.”
“Hey, SuperMax it’s totally okay,” your voice was soft and tender, you knew exactly what I needed. “Do you want to talk about it?” Your fingers gently made its way to my chin as you tilted it up so I could meet your gaze. The comforting warmth of your touch was enough to make my chest start to ache.
“I was in Jefferson’s darkroom again… and he was… he was hurting me again” a well of tears was starting to gather in my eyes. I looked away from you out of embarrassment. “I’m such a mess” I started to let out a weak, broken laugh as I started to sob as the exhaustion and hysteria came over me. “Thank you, Chloe, I know I shouldn’t be acting like this--”
“Max come on don’t say that,” Chloe’s voice was firm and comforting, maintaining a steady tone as she continued. “It’s okay, I know things are going to be hard on you. I will be entirely honest with you, I’m not going to be able to relate to this, but I will be here for you. Always.” Chloe brought her hand to my cheek and wiped a tear from my eye. “And you better not thank me cuz I’m not going anywhere.”
I let out a shaky breath while making an attempt at collecting myself. “It was just” my voice shook, “so real, Chloe. It was like I was back there. Like I never even left.”
You swallowed hard as your jaw noticeably tensed. “Max I am so sorry that you went through that. I hate that this is all still in your head. I hate that I wasn’t there to protect you. But, I’m here now. I’ve got you. You’re safe. And I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe and whatever I can to make you never feel that way again.”
She pulled me in closer, her arms wrapping around me and swallowing me tight like she thought she could hold me together. I pressed the top of my head into Chloe’s shoulder letting it rest there while I allowed my arms to wrap around her back.
“Maximus, do you want to try and get some more sleep?” you murmured through a light yawn. “Or if you need to stay up for a bit and talk about some dumb shit with me, we can do that, too.”
“Mmm, sleep sounds good,” I replied despite not really being tired, but I could tell you were exhausted both physically and emotionally. I gently tried to adjust my position back to where I was, laying on your chest as you slumped back over in bed. “Is this okay?”
“It’s perfect, Max, really.” Your voice was still tender as your hands found their place wrapped around me.
A smile crept across my face “Good. And thank you, Chloe. I appreciate you being here for me tonight.”
“Of course, Max,” you replied, “it’s not a problem at all.” I knew you meant that, I really did, but I also knew that whatever feelings I have right now are just as valid as yours. For now, I was going to have to be okay with you wanting to take care of me, however, I’m going to repay you sooner rather than later Chloe Price.
It didn’t take too long for you to nod off to sleep, but I wasn’t sure when or even if I would be going to sleep again tonight. My hand found its way to your arm and began idly tracing circles, her warm skin helping me stay grounded as my mind refused to shut off. Sleep felt impossible, but at least I had this.