June 30, 1997
Todays the day. I have to kill him. I’ve been working so hard, and… I saved her. I saved my mother and my father. They didn’t think I would but I will… I can’t let doubt overwhelm me now. I’m in too deep…
I’ve been in too deep since my father failed.
It’s not fair, Notts father was arrested too, but he didn’t have half the punishment mine did… the Dark Lord damned me the minute I set foot back in my home, and after months of failed attempts, extreme isolation, and… and my only confidant, a ghost… I just have to cast the curse.
Nott won't have to take the mark and mother won’t… Well, she’ll be safe. Father, hopefully, will be rescued and all of this shit will fall on him.
But… secretly, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have killed before. I hate myself for it, but if I hadn’t, he’d have killed me. He’d have killed my whole family, Bellatrix included.
If I kill Dumbledore, I’m damned. My crimes will never be forgiven, I’m dedicating myself to a cause I don’t believe in anymore, and if we win, this is my eternity… but if we lose, I’ll never see the light of day again.
It’s miserable.
I’m also endlessly frustrated with my father. It’s so obvious what has happened now that I’ve lived through it. My father was never a servant to the Dark Lord, not truly. He handled recruiting young people to join, and helped supply dark artifacts.
My grandfather was the true follower who knew exactly what he was signing up for. My father never stood a chance. The Dark Lord watched my father from conception into young adulthood. He was idolized and… and Father never stood a chance!
Of course my father worshiped the ground he walked on! Of course my father killed for him! Of course my father wrapped mother into a cause she didn’t have the experience to understand! We’ve been damned since before I was even an idea, and this is the result!
Our family name will forever be a stain in history, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. This is war, I’m marked, if I run, he’ll find me. If he can’t, my mother dies. If my mother dies, my father… I’m beyond saving, and I wish Potter would have killed me!
If Snape hadn't saved me, I’d have never had to do anything! I’d be free, and since it was Potter, no one would have been punished, Dumbledore would have more time, and someone else becomes a puppet!
But… No, I’m alive, so I have to let them in…
What if they kill people? There’s no way it would be a stranger, and if they send someone like Greyback… That death is on me. He’s not even a person anymore, just a monster. I can’t breathe. I won’t be able to sleep. I’m half tempted to just spend my day testing the cabinet…
Do you think Dumbledore knows what’s happening?
I think about that sometimes… That he might know and that he’s just choosing not to help me. I think he does that a lot, actually. It’s hard to think about.
Is my fate so hopeless that I never even deserved a glance?
I know it’s moronic, but why does Potter get to have help? Why does he get guidance without strings, and why is my glory the only thing I have to fight for.
We all know what glory means… but I can’t find the heart to put it to paper.
I hate Potter. It’s envy, yes, but now… Now I feel like perhaps if I wasn’t so horrible I’d have had someone who could help me. Who could understand and see how horrible living with the Dark Lord influencing every aspect of your life could be.
I did want to be the chosen one for the Dark Lord. I wanted to be who Harry was, but now… Now I know I’m just a pawn in a game that’s so far above me… And Potter doesn’t even care. That’s why he tried to kill me.
I’m nothing to him. I might have cast an unforgivable curse in that bathroom, but I missed and he nearly killed me. He’s been watching me all year, and he’s not once seen me. I wanted nothing more than his irritated attention every year for the last 5 or six years, but now I’m thinking that was for very different reasons than I initially thought.
This is mortifying. Potter doesn’t want to see that I’m hurting. He doesn’t care that I’m trapped. He’s going to be the reason that this is a ‘choice’ that will make it irredeemable if he wins.
Potter would gladly stand in front of the world to discredit my reputation beyond repair just because I’m a twat. I’ve done bad things. Unspeakable things. I don’t want redemption, but the fact that Potter will likely be who helps lock me away for life hurts me in a way I don’t understand yet… I’d almost describe it as heartbreak and… Betrayal somehow. I can’t dissect that now, though.
How did I get here? What choice could have changed this? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to kill Dumbledore. I want my old ignorant life back where I was blissfully unaware of the cost of my ideals.
Now I can’t go back.
I hope Granger stays alive and safe… Weasley and Potter will never survive without her and everyone is doomed… I actually am finding myself rooting for them to not die and work things out.
So, before I do this horrific act, I’ve decided to make myself 4 vows. They are as listed:
- If I’m ever to help Potter not die without risking my family too much, and with plausible deniability, I will.
- I vow to take accountability if ever tried for what I’ve done.
- I vow to apologize to every person I wronged in my ignorance.
- If ever released from Azkaban, then I vow to become a man that Harry Potter will shake hands with.
I’ll keep this paper hidden, but I do mean every word. I hate this cause and everything I’ve had to do to keep my family alive. I do not align myself with the Dark Lord, truly, and I’m fairly certain he knows but doesn’t care. I’m well under his control by now.
I have to go prepare things… But I have to admit, when I wanted to make the history books, I never wanted it to be like this. I wanted to be remembered by my accomplishments and not my cage.
-DLM