Chapter 15
James went through the actions of a normal life. Get up. Shower. Go to quidditch practice. Breakfast. Classes. Lunch. Classes. Dinner. Study. Sleep. He stood, he sat, he wandered the halls aimlessly. But nothing was really normal anymore.
Remus barely talked, there was a sadness in him so great that it overflowed onto the floor. And James was drowning in it.
He hated Sirius. He missed him more, though. And he hated himself a bit for that. Their friendship was something James had been foolish enough to believe would last forever. And now here he was, watching it fall apart, trying to pick back up the broken pieces.
Merlin, what had happened to them?
James tried to ignore his own feelings. Even though he missed Sirius like a constant ache in his heart, he tried his hardest to ignore it all. Even though he felt his anger like a fire burning down his soul, he shut it all out. It was better when he focused on helping Remus. James had to drag him to meals, and then to classes, otherwise Remus would spend the whole day sleeping or staring off into space. He was sure if he hadn’t been there, Remus would have happily spent the days wasting away in bed.
He tried helping Peter, too. He asked about his day, played chess with him, offered to help him with homework. James hated seeing his friend so sad and quiet. But there wasn’t much he could do except be there, so that’s what he did. He didn’t know how to be more.
It left him exhausted, trying to fix it all. He couldn’t mend this, no matter how hard he tried. But still he tried and tried and tried. Each day he rose with a sigh and tried once again to make this all better, to wipe the sorrow from his friend’s eyes, to turn back time to when it was all okay.
As a result, he hadn’t been to the tower for ages. He was so tired, it was hard to do much of anything, let alone interact. James thought about Regulus almost constantly. He knew it was unfair to leave without an explanation, but he just couldn’t bring himself to talk about what had happened. He felt so fucking guilty, but he couldn’t bring Reg into this, couldn’t make him carry this burden too. So, he avoided his gaze in the halls, and spent his nights staring at the astronomy tower, fingers clenched around the map, eyes fixed on a small lonely black dot labeled Regulus Black.
He missed him. James missed him so much that sometimes it was hard to breathe. He missed everyone, nowadays. He missed Remus and Peter and Sirius and he desperately missed Regulus. It was surprising how accustomed he’d become to spending his nights with Regulus, how accustomed he’d become to the other boy’s presence in his life. And now that it was gone, James hardly knew what to do with himself.
One Thursday afternoon James was walking alone in the halls, skipping dinner to walk through the grounds as a way to get away from the crowds. It was strange. He used to be so social, but now he felt incredibly pressured when he was around people, like he had to be someone that he wasn’t anymore. So, James had begun taking walks on the grounds to avoid it all, if only for a few hours.
He was trying not to think much, focusing only on putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps that was why he didn’t notice Regulus until he was right in front of him.
“Hello James,” The younger boy said softly.
James blinked. Oh, he’d missed that face. Missed those eyes like summer storms and turbulent oceans. “I–”
Regulus shook his head, cutting James off. “Just let me talk for a second, okay?” James nodded, staring at him. It was hard to see him after all that had happened. His face was shaped like Sirius’s, and it tugged at James’s heart in a painful way.
“You haven’t been coming to the tower,” Regulus’s eyes searched James’s, and he felt his breath catch in his throat. “I – You don’t have to come, obviously. I noticed, that’s all. Anyway.” He took a deep breath, “And you’re acting strange. I’m not, like, stalking you or anything, I just saw that my brother isn’t sitting next to you anymore, and Lupin looks like he wants to murder someone all the time. And Pettigrew doesn’t smile. And you… You look really sad, James.” His brows were drawn together in concern. Concern for James.
James opened his mouth but Regulus cut him off once again. “And maybe it’s stupid. Well, it is, I know it is. I should let you go, let you live your life that was never supposed to include me to begin with. I’m bad for you and I know it, and I should let you go. But I’m bad at that sort of thing.” He paused, reaching into his bag. “So I made you this. It’s a journal. You, um, you write in it, and I have one too so I can see what you said and reply. I just thought, I don’t know, that you might not want to be around people after whatever happened. And you don’t have to take it or anything, I’m sorry if I’m overstepping or–”
“I love it, Regulus,” James said sincerely, taking the journal from Regulus’s hands. “Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me, and, I don’t know, caring. I… I really appreciate it.” He meant it, he was so incredibly grateful that Regulus noticed and cared and wanted to help.
Regulus flushed, “Yeah, of course. Seriously though, you don’t have to write in it if you don’t want to, I don’t mind.”
James grinned for the first time in days, “I want to, Regulus, I want to.” He paused, unsure of how to say what was on his mind, “And I’m sorry. I care about you, and I should’ve at least told you I couldn’t be around people. It’s not your fault, it’s everything and everyone. I want to be around you, I love talking to you, I just physically couldn’t. I don’t… I don’t know if that makes sense– I just couldn’t.”
Regulus nodded, and his face was as gentle as James had ever seen it. “I understand.” And James knew that he did. They stood there for a second before Regulus cleared his throat, “Well, now I’m late to dinner, thanks for that.” But his eyes are soft in the light streaming through the windows, and James smiled.
“I’ll write. I promise.”
Regulus smiled, “Okay. I’ll write back.”
James gave Regulus a little wave, as he began walking once again, “Thank you again, Regulus, and have a good dinner.”
Regulus smiled again before turning away, his cheeks slightly pink. James watched as he walked away, feeling so grateful for this boy he’d once hated. And the world was still shit, James still had everything to face when he went back to the dorms, but at least there was this. At least Regulus cared, at least there was this small moment of sunshine.
He turned the journal over in his hands. It was bound with leather, a simple gold clasp shaped like a sun was keeping the pages shut. He flipped it open, riffling through the empty pages. Maybe they would fill them together. The thought brought a small smile to James’s face. His heart felt full for a second, and he let himself forget it all for a while. Let himself live inside this moment, this love, this simple action for a minute in time.