Chapter 14
Nothing was normal anymore. Peter felt the divide between life before and life after as clearly as a knife against his throat. He spent his days adrift, waiting for this silence to be broken.
Wherever Remus was, James was there too. Peter stayed by them as well, unsure of where else to go. And Sirius, he looked completely and utterly lost. He barely talked anymore. He sat near Lily, Marlene, and Mary but never said a word.
The first morning, Sirius had tried to apologize. Remus had gotten up later than normal, and Peter, James, and Sirius were already moving around the dorm. Sirius had tried talking to them, his face twisted in guilt and pain, but James had shot him a look and shook his head.
When Remus rose, Sirius had tried again. “Remus? I know what I…what I did was unforgivable, but I just wanted to apologize. I’m so sorry, Remus, I’m so so sorry. If there’s anything I can do to– to help, I’ll do it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Remus had given him a cold glare, “I don’t want your apologies. I want you to be a person who never did this to me.”
Sirius's face crumpled, “I’m so sorry, Remus. I– I don’t know what came over me, I don’t even remember saying it –”
Remus whirled around from where he’d been tugging on a jumper, “Don’t you get it?” He hissed, “That makes it worse. You don’t even remember ruining my fucking life. Get the fuck away from me, Sirius.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, moony,” Sirius's eyes carried a world of hurt in them, and he took a hesitant step closer.
“I said get the fuck away. And don’t you– “ Remus’s voice broke, “Don’t you even fucking dare call me moony. I’m no one to you, not anymore.”
Sirius was crying softly, and he stepped back. He nodded, turning away, “Okay. Okay, I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’d do anything to go back to before, I wish I wasn’t like this. I’d change if I could. I’m sorry, Remus.”
He left quickly, then, and Remus had broken. Peter stood still, unsure of what to do or how to help. James pulled Remus into an embrace, “You’re allowed to be mad, you’re allowed to hate him.”
Remus cried harder, “I don’t, though, I don’t hate him,” He choked.
James smiled sadly, “You’re allowed to still love him, too, Remus. Don’t blame yourself, okay?”
Peter pulled a forgotten chocolate frog out of his pocket, “Remus? It’s kind of melted, but it’s still good, I think.” He offered it to him, hand outstretched. Remus had once told him he loved chocolate when they were in first year, so now Peter carried a bit with him everywhere he went.
“Thanks Pete,” Remus said, accepting the frog. His cheeks were tear stained and his eyes looked unbearably sad.
“Let’s go down and get some breakfast, yeah?” Peter said, glancing at the two other boys.
James smiled at him, “That sounds good.”
…
Sirius' throat was dry. He didn’t speak anymore. Didn’t do much of anything. He walked through the days in a haze. Life went on, Sirius went to his classes, he choked down food, he slept. Life went on. But nothing was the same.
He missed them all so much he felt his heart would break in two. He watched as they continued to live, he reminded himself they didn’t need him. Reminded himself they deserved more than him.
Sirius could hardly bear to wake up, these days. He walked by mirrors and wished they’d shatter. He hated his reflection, hated seeing himself, hated and hated and hated. Sirius hated himself so deeply it hurt.
He whispered apologies in his sleep. He let sorry’s drop from his mouth like rain from a cloud. It was the beat of his heart, I’m sorry I'm sorry I’m sorry. He mouthed the words constantly, as if they could somehow magically make up for it all. He wished they could.
I’m sorry, he thought as he watched Remus pick at his toast. I’m sorry, he whispered as James walked past him in the hall. I’m sorry, he said as Peter turned his gaze away. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
The words hardly felt real anymore, and Sirius learned that apologies couldn’t fix what was already too far gone. Apologies couldn’t mend what he’d broken.
…
James hadn’t been to the tower in five days. Regulus watched him in the halls, hoping he’d glance up and see him. He didn’t. He never laughed anymore, Regulus noticed that first. There was a lack of light in his eyes, like somehow something inside of him had gone out.
James was always near that Lupin boy. They looked like a tragedy, eyes downcast, expressions sad. What the fuck had happened? And Pettigrew, usually so friendly and bright, never once smiled. Somewhere in the past five days, something awful had happened.
Then Regulus noticed Sirius. He never talked, his eyes never left the floor. And not once had Regulus seen him near the others. Not once had Regulus seen him and James talk, or even glance at each other. There was something incredibly wrong.
On the sixth night alone, Regulus tried to convince himself to let it go. James wasn’t coming back. His thoughts turned and coiled around and around in his brain. Had Sirius found out about James and Regulus becoming friends? Had it caused this? But then, wouldn’t James have told him? Unless James hated him now. Regulus put his head between his knees, struggling to breathe. He was jumping to conclusions and he knew it, but what if? What if, what if?
Regulus looked up at the stars, pressing his back hard into the stone wall. It didn’t matter. He knew whatever this thing with James was, it wouldn’t last. Nothing about them was permanent. But still, there was something in his chest that screamed. He wanted James back, wanted his presence like the sun, wanted and wanted and wanted. He was so goddamn selfish.
Maybe it was best that James moved on. He deserved more than what Regulus could offer, anyways. It was fine.
But it wasn’t fine, because Regulus could feel his absence like a hole in his heart. He wanted him back. He wanted to turn back time and stare into those golden brown eyes forever. He didn’t care that it was stupid and hopeless, he wanted James. He wanted him so badly his heart ached. He’d only once felt a loss like this one, and that was Sirius.
How had he allowed James to entangle himself so thoroughly into his life? When had this happened, when had James become the only person he ever wanted to talk to? Regulus had been foolish enough to believe he’d put enough distance between himself and James that he wouldn’t miss him when he was gone. Because he would eventually leave, just like everyone else. But he did miss him.
Regulus hated himself for letting stupid golden James fucking Potter become his friend. Hated himself for allowing this beautiful boy into his life. But, oh, how he loved him. Oh, how he wanted him back.
So, Regulus stared at the stars and thought of James’s smile and his eyes and his upturned mouth and the crinkle of his nose and the way his hair fell across his face. And he wanted and he wanted and he wanted. He wanted James as a friend, as a lover, as someone to sit by. Anyone, he would take any version of James as long as he just came back.