Chapter 13
Sirius didn’t sleep that night. The stars kept him company, not that he deserved it. He’d told Dumbledore everything, then Professor McGonagall, then Madam Pomfrey. He’d watched their faces fall as they realized just what Sirius was. A monster, a monster, a monster.
The headmaster had sent him to bed around midnight, telling him all would be figured out in the morning. So, Sirius had left, wandering the halls aimlessly, hardly knowing where his feet were taking him. It was his fault, it was his fault, it was all his goddamn fault. He’d ruined it all.
The thing was, Sirius knew something like this would happen at some point. He felt in his soul. The rest of the marauders were too good, too kind and he was this. This fucking monster. Had his family shaped him into this, or had he allowed himself to become it? There was something irrevocably broken inside Sirius. Something in the core of his being was rotten, and his insides were collapsing in on themselves. Sirius needed to find all the rotten bits, and cut them out. He needed to claw the evil out of his being, leaving only the good and pure behind, like James or Peter or Remus. Remus. Why couldn’t Sirius have just kept his stupid mouth shut for once in his fucking life?
Sirius reached the dorm after a few minutes of walking, his head still lost in a daze. Peter was already there when he walked in. Sirius took one look at him, and started to cry. Peter stood and stared, in the middle of pulling on his pajama bottoms.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius choked out. He took a few long strides to where his bed stood, pulling the curtains around him when he reached it.
Boys don’t cry. Her voice echoed through his head like a nightmare, like the sound of someone he was becoming. Sirius tried to remember he was allowed to cry, allowed to feel, but Walburga haunted the edges of his mind. She was always there, she stayed with him like a ghost or a bad cold. God, what a pathetic sight. Keep it together, Sirius. You are a Black, wipe those tears away.
Sirius quickly cast a silencing spell before giving into the hole that was burning its way through his chest. He could hardly think, the guilt was so bone crushing. He was a bad person and he knew it. Sirius didn’t even know why he’d done that. He didn’t remember giving his mouth the permission to say the words have you ever wondered how to get past the whomping willow?
He didn’t remember, he didn’t fucking remember. It happened sometimes when he got mad. Sirius had thought it had stopped after he’d left. When he was at home, he would wake up after a blank patch with his legs throbbing, blood seeping through his pant leg. He supposed it was a way to deal with it all. But he thought he’d fixed it, thought he was better.
Sirius felt like he was dying. The walls of his throat were closing, and he was gasping. He put arms around his head, curling into a tight ball. His fingernails were digging into his scalp as he struggled to breathe.
Every bad thing he’d ever said or done flashed in front of his eyes, but it all paled in comparison to this. This was the worst thing he’d done or would ever do. And Sirius hated himself, he did, he did, he did. He was supposed to be there for Remus, supposed to help him, supposed to be his friend. But where did this leave them? What had Sirius done?
What Sirius really wanted, and felt so fucking guilty for wanting, was James. James always knew how to make him feel better. He’d always been there, whenever Sirius needed someone. Always, James was there with a smile and a comfort that shone like the sun. James. Would they even be able to look at each other after this? Would they ever go back to normal? And Peter, would they still play chess in front of the fire? Was there any way to come back from this? Sirius hoped there was, would give anything to make it so.
The tears began to run dry after a few hours, and soon Sirius just sat and stared. Stared and thought until his eyes went blurry. He didn’t know how to make things better. Didn’t know if he could.
Sirius had always known he was worse than the other marauders. As soon as he’d boarded the Hogwarts Express and found his friends, he’d realized. And he’d made peace with it awhile back. For a long time, Sirius had thought it was just something to do with how he’d grown up. That maybe his mother and father had broken something inside of him so that he was unable to be kind or gentle. But now, Sirius realized he couldn’t put all the blame on his family. And he shouldered that weight like a knife through his fucking heart.
See, when Sirius had told Snape some deep down part of himself knew it was wrong. But above all that wasn’t disdain or hatred. No, it was amusement. The thought of Snape’s realization was humorous to some fucked up part of Sirius’s brain. And he couldn’t blame that on his family, this was all Sirius’s fault. He knew that, he knew all of this was his blame to carry. Maybe they’d planted this awful thing, but Sirius had allowed it to grow.
…
It was late morning or early afternoon when McGonagall entered the hospital wing. Her face was a mismatch of grief and apologies as she turned towards Remus, “Mr. Lupin… the headmaster would like to see you in his office.”
Remus heaved a sigh so heavy it hurt James’s soul. He stood, putting a hand on Remus’s shoulder, “I’m coming too,” He said like a challenge.
Professor McGonagall gave him a small smile, “Yes, I think that would be for the best, Mr. Potter.”
Remus stood slowly, wincing slightly. And James wanted to hurt something or someone, because lovely Remus, his friend, his brother, never deserved this.
McGonagall led them to Dumbledore’s office, casting nervous glances at Remus every few steps. James, admittedly, was doing the same.
When they reached the door, McGonagall put her hand awkwardly on Remus’s arm. “I’ll be waiting out here, if you need me. Remus,” She hesitated, “I just want to say you are one of the most talented students I have ever had the experience of teaching.” She patted his shoulder stiffly before opening the door.
Remus smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Thank you, Professor.”
Dumbledore was waiting at his desk, his long white fingers folded in front of him. “Ah, Mr. Lupin. Take a seat.” He inclined his head towards a chair.
James sat too, staring into the icy eyes of the headmaster. He would fight him if he had to. He’d do anything to keep Remus here, at this school. He deserved it more than any of them.
Dumbledore gave him an infuriatingly calm smile, “Mr. Potter. I see you’ve decided to join us.”
James smiled back, “Yes. But don’t let me intrude, headmaster.”
“Of course not,” He smiled, “So. Mr. Lupin, I hear we have a predicament on our hands, is that correct?”
Remus scowled, “Yes.”
Dumbledore gestured for him to continue, still smiling that same stupid serene smile.
Remus sighed, “Would you like me to explain my side of the story?”
“That would be lovely, Mr. Lupin, if you could.”
Remus looked incredibly uncomfortable, but he began to talk nonetheless, “Well, I was in the shack like normal. And, um, I heard the door open. I was confused,” He glanced at James, and it was clear Remus had thought it had been them. “I was close to… to transforming. And then, suddenly, Snape was in front of me. I didn’t know what to do, I told him to get out, but he didn’t listen. He kept asking me why I was there, and what the shack was for. I, uh, started to change, and he wouldn’t leave, no matter how much I told him that it was dangerous.”
Remus looked at his hands, sighing, “Then, he realized. He tried to curse me, but he, uh, he missed. James came in just in time. I was at the beginning of the change when James got there. He got Snape out of there in time.” Remus’s voice was shaking, and James hated hated hated Dumbledore for making him repeat it. Hated him for making Remus live through it all again.
Dumbledore nodded, expression thoughtful. “Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Mr. Potter, if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to hear your perspective.
James closed his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. “Well, Sirius came into the dorms. He was acting strange, and he told me to go out into the hall, so I did. He told me he’d done something bad. I, uh, I comforted him,” James felt his voice waver with anger, “Then he told me what he’d done, that he’d told Snape how to get past the whomping willow. So, I ran. Sirius and Peter followed, and Pete stayed outside the entrance while I went in. I told Sirius to go to you, though, sir. And, yeah, it was like Remus said. I got there, he was in the middle of transforming, so I grabbed Snape and got him out of there.”
“And then what happened, Mr. Potter? We need the whole story, if you please.”
James clenched his fists. “And then I got out of the tunnel, and Snape tried to go to the castle, but he was saying all this shit – excuse me sir – crap, so Pete stunned him. Then we brought him to you. That’s all, sir.”
Dumbledore nodded again. “Your story matches Mr. Black’s, as well as Mr. Snape’s. So, now we figure out how to solve this problem, yes?”
“I can go, sir,” Remus blurted out. “I can pack my trunk and be gone by nightfall. I understand, the parents won’t want their children around me, around a monster.”
James stood so quickly his chair nearly toppled, “If he goes, I go. I’ll tell my parents, I’ll get the ministry to do something about this. Remus is a person, and he deserves equal education. He’s a damn good student, better than someone like Snape. They can’t just kick him out because of something he can’t even fucking control. That’s not fair, that’s just not fair, sir.”
Dumbledore raised a hand, “No one was suggesting he leave, Mr. Potter. Mr. Lupin, that was not the solution I was going to propose. And unless you are very much invested in leaving, that is not the one I say we choose.”
James sat down, glancing sheepishly at Remus. The other boy gave him a small grin and shook his head at James’s outburst.
“So, what do you suggest, sir?” Remus asked.
Dumbledore folded his fingers beneath his chin, “As far as I am aware, this is not your fault, Mr. Lupin, but instead Mr. Black’s, and perhaps Mr. Snape’s as well. So they shall pay the consequences.”
James blinked. Was Dumbledore going to expel Sirius? James didn’t know how to feel about that. He couldn’t imagine the castle without Sirius.
“We’ve discussed things with the guardians of Mr. Snape and Mr. Black and have come up with a tentative solution. Mr. and Mrs. Potter have vouched that Mr. Black is a good student and wizard, and asked that we please do not expel him,” Dumbledore glanced at the two boys in front of him, “So, we’ve decided the fairest solution is to remove Mr. Black from the Quidditch team, and assign him detention for the rest of term. Additionally, he will be made to apologize to you, Mr. Lupin.”
Remus nodded, eyes locked on his shoes.
“What about Snape?” James asked.
“Mr. Snape has also been assigned detention for the rest of term.” Dumbledore said, staring at James thoughtfully.
James scoffed, “What about the apology?”
“Mr. and Mrs. Snape seemed to think that was unnecessary and threatened to bring in the ministry if the younger Mr. Snape was forced to do so. Seeing as most of the blame falls on Mr. Black, we agreed to the terms.”
James shook his head. “Snape chose to go in there. I’m not saying what Sirius did was right, I honestly think he should get a larger punishment, but Snape should at least have to apologize.”
Remus put his hand on James’s shoulder, “Just drop it, James. It doesn’t matter.” James opened his mouth to retort, but Remus looked so tired, so instead he just nodded.
Dumbledore smiled serenely at them, “Well, now that that’s all sorted, I’ll just have you both sign this, and off you trot.”
“What is it?” Remus asked, warily.
“It’s an agreement that you won’t speak of this ever again. That way Mr. Snape won’t be able to spread this information, and Mr. Black will be unable to tell anyone what he told Mr. Snape.”
“Why do we have to sign it?”
Dumbledore lowered his half-moon spectacles, “Precautions, Mr. Potter, are highly important in scenarios such as these.”
So, Remus and James signed. Above James’s signature was Sirius, Snape’s and Peter’s. Dumbledore must have already talked to Peter. James wondered what Pete had said, if he’d been as wary as James was. He knew his parents trusted the headmaster, but there was something hidden in those eyes. Like he knew something James did not.
…
Remus was tired. His body ached, and his soul hurt. Everything was fucked, but at least he got to stay at Hogwarts. The only real home he’d ever had.
Remus hated Sirius, but mostly he was just sad. He tried to cling to the anger, but it dissipated every time he thought of Sirius’s face. He loved him, he still fucking loved him. At first, Remus had expected it to go away, but it didn’t. It stayed, haunting him like a memory.
When he’d reached the dorms with James, he’d made James go in first to check if Sirius was there. He wasn’t, and Remus tried not to think about where he could be.
Now, he lay in bed, watching the moon from his window. He hated it, but it brought him comfort in some fucked up way. Maybe everything about Remus was a bit fucked up. He didn’t know at this point. He didn’t know anything anymore. Not after what Sirius had done.
James had offered to sleep with him, and Remus had been tempted, if only to have another soul to keep his company. But he’d refused, not wanting to burden James, he was already hurting him enough. Remus could see it was killing James to not talk to Sirius. The two were inseparable before. And there was a before now, there was a line in Remus’s life, a before and after. It never used to be like this.
If it was anyone else it would hurt, but because it was Sirius, it was a special kind of pain. Heartbreak and love and betrayal mixed into one. Remus hated him, Remus loved him, Remus wanted him. He wanted him, despite it all. His heart wanted to forgive, and it wanted to burn in this anger forever. Sirius had turned his life into a series of juxtapositions and Remus hated him for it. Hated hated hated hated hated hated hated him, but loved him more.
The moon kept him company when he heard Sirius foot falls enter the dorm. The moon watched him weep as he smelled the scent of salt and despair from Sirius’s bed. The moon watched and watched as Remus listened to the sound of a friendship falling apart.
Remus wanted more than this. For a moment there, he thought he’d had it. But the heavens were always cruel to him, they had plans for Remus and joy wasn’t a part of them. So, Remus surrendered to fate, allowed his heart to sink heavy in his chest, allowed his mind to grow wild, allowed the tears to flow freely. Because Remus was nothing if not a tragedy and he was beginning to accept that now.