Chapter 12
James stayed in the hospital wing all night. He and Peter had brought Snape to Dumbledore when they had gotten to the castle, but the headmaster hadn’t wanted them sticking around. James had been worried that Dumbledore might’ve been upset that they stunned Snape, but he hadn’t so much as blinked. Peter had tried to explain the whole Snape thing, but Dumbledore had waved him off, insisting that they get sleep and it would all be all right in the morning.
So, James had gone to the hospital wing to wait for Remus. Peter had tried to stay, but James told him to go back to the dorms and rest. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts for a little while. And he didn’t want to be anywhere near Sirius at the current moment. Not after what he’d done.
Pomfrey brought Remus in a little after six. He was unconscious, and Madam Pomfrey had to levitate him through the doors of the hospital wing.
James jumped up when he saw them, and rushed to her side, “Is he okay? Is – Will it, will it be okay?” His hands were shaking. Remus looked pale and sad in the warm light of the hospital wing. He had a few new wounds that James could see. There was one across Remus’s face, and James’s heart plummeted. Remus had a few on his face already, but this one reached from his left eye all the way to his jaw. Kind, clever, lovely Remus never deserved this. He would be so sad when he woke up and saw the scar. He would be so sad when he woke up and found out about Sirius. Who would tell him? Why would Sirius do this to Remus? They were all supposed to be friends, they were supposed to trust each other. Why would Sirius do this, why would he break that trust? James was choking on the air in his lungs, gasping, trying and trying to breathe, but the air just wouldn’t fucking go through his mouth.
“Shh, dear. It’s okay, Remus will be okay. Deep breathes now, in and out. It’s okay, James, it’s okay.” Madam Pomfrey’s voice was gentle, her eyes concerned. She carefully maneuvered Remus onto a bed, before leading James to a chair.
“Okay, we’re just going to breathe for a moment, yeah?” She put her hands on his shoulders, kneeling in front of where he was hunched around his chest. It was all a bit too much in that moment, too loud. Every emotion in his heart was pressing, pressing, pressing in, and he felt as though he might burst by the sheer amount of it all.
Madam Pomfrey was saying something, but James felt like his ears were underwater. He just kept gasping, but no air was making it to his lungs.
“James. James, look at me,” Pomfrey titled his head upwards in a maternal manner that made James’s heart ache. She’d always been so good to Remus. “It's okay. Remus is okay.”
James nodded shakily, still struggling to understand what exactly she was saying. He remembered a night in third year when Sirius had crawled into his bed. They used to do that a lot more, crawling into each other's bed and talking until the sun rose. He’d been hyperventilating, and James had tried his hardest to help him calm down. He hadn’t understood why Sirius couldn’t just breathe, but he’d stayed up with him, teaching him ways to distract his mind. Now, James understood and the memory brought tears to his eyes. Fuck. He shouldn’t be having a breakdown, not when Remus needed Madam Pomfrey’s help.
“No,” James choked out, “He needs you.” James needed her to understand that whatever he was feeling right didn’t matter. Remus mattered, not him.
Madam Pomfrey tried to stay, but James shook his head, pointing at where Remus lay. “He’s hurt, please, Madam Pomfrey. Just help him.”
Madam Pomfrey gave him a displeased frown, but she finally relented. “Fine, fine. But at least take this calming draught.” She summoned it quickly, and pushed it into James’s hands.
James threw it back like a shot. He didn’t want to feel anymore, didn’t want to think. He’d never felt this sad or this angry, and it scared him.
The draught worked fast, and soon James’s head began feeling fuzzy and soft around the edges. Air began to work its way through his body, and James felt the panic receding. It was still there, just further away now.
He pulled up a chair next to Remus’s bed and watched as Madam Pomfrey worked. She’d clearly done the majority of her healing back at the Shack, but she still bustled around, potions clinking in her busy hands.
Every now and then, Pomfrey would shoot him a concerned look, but James just kept staring at Remus. He couldn’t think too much or he’d start crying.
Finally, around eight, Remus opened his eyes.
…
When Remus came to, he could tell something was off. His body ached in a way it hadn’t since fourth year. The space around his bed was quiet, and it made Remus feel wrong all over. The marauders were always, always there when he woke up, but now they weren’t.
Slowly, the night before came back to Remus. Snape. Snape was in the Shack, backing up, holding his wand. Calling Remus a freak, a monster, something dangerous. And James was there too, but not as prongs. What had happened? Why had Snape been there?
His mind was reeling in a panic when he heard a soft voice next to him, “Morning Remus.” James looked tired and washed out when Remus’s eyes found him sitting next to his bed.
“James, James, what happened?” Remus’s terror was clawing its way up his throat, and he felt helpless and small.
James sighed, his eyes unbearably sad. “Something happened. Sirius… Well, he did something bad. It was really really bad, Remus. He…he told Snape how to get past the tree.”
And Remus was drowning, dying. Because no. No, no, no, no. Sirius, his Sirius would never do that. No, he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t, right? But James’s face looked so heartbroken, and Snape had been in the shack. But why why why why why? Not Sirius, not his love, not his Sirius. No.
“No,” Remus gasped like a fish out of water, forcing the words out, “Sirius?”
James was crying silently, “I’m sorry, Remus, I’m sorry.” He leaned forward, pulling Remus into a warm hug.
Remus felt his body shake with sobs, and James still held on. He just didn’t understand. And suddenly, Remus felt his heart lurch, “Are you hurt – did I? Did I hurt you, is Snape hurt? James, did I?” He said, pulling back. His heart was stuttering in his chest. Please let everyone be okay, Remus thought, begging some unseeable force to have mercy on him for once. He couldn’t live with himself if he’d hurt anyone.
James shook his head, “It’s okay, Remus. I got there in time. You didn’t do anything, I promise, it’s all right.”
But it wasn’t all right. He hadn’t hurt anyone at least, but it wasn’t all right. Nothing would ever be all right again.
Remus started crying, deep sobs that racked his body. He was gasping, eyes fixed on the cream wall in front of him. He couldn’t do this. Remus couldn’t live a life where Sirius had done this. This wasn’t supposed to be their life. They were supposed to be friends, more if they were lucky. Never, never, never this, whatever this was. What even were they now?
James stayed through it all, a reassuring hand on Remus’s shoulders. He was crying too, but he didn’t speak, just sat with Remus.
His heart felt too heavy for his body, like it was dragging him down. How were they ever supposed to come back from this? Remus considered himself a forgiving person, but he wasn’t sure he could ever forgive this. Once upon a time, he had thought whatever Sirius had or would do would never make Remus hate him. But there was an anger in his heart like a forest fire, and it was burning away all the kindest bits of him, all the parts of him that were still capable of forgiveness.
And what would Remus do now? He couldn’t stay at this school, Snape would tell everyone he was a werewolf, a monster. But where would he go? Back to his house, full of the ghosts of his mother and a father who drank the days away? Remus didn’t want to go back there. And he didn’t want to leave his friends or this castle that had become his home. But he couldn’t stay.
The future, bright just a day ago, suddenly felt very large and very dark. Remus felt the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he cried and cried. And still, James sat with him.
At one point, James crawled into the bed, pulling Remus close to his chest and hugging him tightly.
“I love you Remus, you are loved. You will always be loved by me. We are here together, okay? You are not alone, you are loved, and I am here. I don’t know how to help, but I’m here, okay?”
Remus cried even harder, appreciating his friend so so much. James continued to whisper to him, and Remus continued to sob. His life was ending, but he still had a friend by his side, and maybe that was enough. He was loved. He was still loved.