Chapter 11
The May full moon was upon Remus far too fast for his liking. The morning of the full he felt cranky and mean, ready to lash out at any second. He didn’t though, kept it contained, buried deep in his chest.
He spent the day studying and going to his classes as usual. Remus was dreading O.W.Ls and spent most of his time preparing or trying to get Sirius to prepare. Things had fallen somewhat back to normal with them, though Remus still felt his heart twist angrily in his chest whenever Mary was around. Not her fault, of course. Just a side effect of loving Sirius Black.
By dinner, Remus felt dead on his feet. He still managed to eat two full plates though, before heading back up to the dorms. Sirius, James and Peter accompanied him to the common room. They always stuck close by him when it was the full.
In the common room, they ran into Lily, who was sitting next to Mary and Marlene on the couch. Sirius launched himself over the edge of the couch, landing next to Mary who gave him an unimpressed look, but kissed the tip of his nose anyway.
Remus felt his heart skip a beat, the familiar rage rushing into his chest. He pushed it down. They’re allowed to be together, he reminded himself. Sirius was allowed to date people. So why did it feel like such a betrayal?
“Hey, Peter! I need a chess competitor, and these losers are too afraid. You in?” Lily called Peter, who immediately went over to play. He was a sucker for chess, and so absolutely brilliant at it, Remus sometimes thought he had to be cheating.
Remus did not want to stand there anymore watching Sirius play with Mary’s hair. But his feet were frozen as he stared and stared and stared. God, how he wanted him. James seemed to sense that Remus wasn’t up for being around people (or at least not Sirius and Mary), and he waved at the others before leading Remus upstairs.
“You okay, mate?” James asked, brown eyes soft with concern.
Remus shot him a weary smile, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” He changed the subject quickly, wanting to move on, “So, I noticed you didn’t even fall over yourself to impress Lily. What’s up with that?” He said, pulling on a jumper.
James looked surprised. “Oh. Um, I dunno.” He scratched his head and leaned against the wall, “I guess I finally got the hint?”
Remus laughed, “You? Get a hint? James, let’s not be ridiculous.”
James gave him a sheepish grin. “I’m not sure, I just didn’t feel like it I guess. She hasn’t been on my mind as often.”
Remus looked at him curiously, “Someone else?”
James shook his head, though his cheeks seemed a little pink. “Not really.”
“You think you’re over her, then?”
James laughed, “I don’t know if I’ll ever fully be over her. I just gave up embarrassing myself. Though who knows how long that’ll last.”
Remus smiled. “Yeah, you’re a bit of an embarrassing person.” He sighed, flopping down on his bed dramatically, “You know, it’s quite hard being friends with someone so embarrassing.”
James grinned, and chucked a pillow at him, “I’m fantastic and you know it.”
Remus shook his head, laughing, but James really was quite a fantastic person. He glowed with love like the sun, and everyone around him felt its rays.
…
Later, Peter walked him down to the hospital wing. Remus had told him not to, but Peter had insisted that it’s always nice to have a friend by your side. And it was nice.
They discussed plants, and Peter ranted excitedly about how his fluxweed was growing wonderfully since the snow had mostly melted.
“It’s even got a couple new shoots!” Peter smiled at him happily. Remus smiled back, and accepted the chocolate Peter gave him before they parted ways. Peter always put him in a kinder mood when he was feeling his worst.
Madam Pomfrey smiled at him when he walked in, “Give me just a few minutes, dear. I need to fix this potion really fast.”
He was too tired to respond, and just sat down next to her, watching her work. The hospital wing was empty, save for himself and Pomfrey. She stayed quiet as she worked, seemingly sensing Remus didn’t want to talk.
A few minutes later, she finished, and they stood to walk to the Shack together. They strolled across the grounds in companionable silence, watching the sun slowly set.
When they made it to the Shrieking Shack, Madam Pomfey patted his arm, “I'll be back in the morning as always. Stay safe, Remus.” She gave him a gentle smile before leaving.
For the first time in a while, the full moon didn’t feel so bad. The rest of the marauders would be there soon, and they would explore the woods and play and it would all be okay. Except, the marauders didn’t come. The sun set, darkness creeped into the room, and the marauders. Didn’t. Come.
…
Sirius was having a shitty day. There were days when everything else fell into the background, and rage buzzed through his mind like a storm. On those days, Sirius mostly tried to be alone, not wanting to trap anyone else in the hurricane of his brain.
But he couldn’t really be alone, and the anger kept growing and growing. He pushed it down, but it would only claw its way back up his throat. He choked on it, and it left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Nothing in particular had caused it this time. Sirius was sure it was an after effect of his Walburga and Orion’s wonderful parenting skills, and that he couldn’t really control it. But he still felt far too similar to his mother when she lashed out with her wand after he’d misbehaved. Or his father, with his icy rage, words shouted in the dining room over a dinner growing cold.
Sirius hated it when these days happened. He tried to control them, but it was no use. He would always be this person.
Sirius needed to get out of the stuffy common room where his friends laughed in the glow of the fire. He knew if he didn’t leave soon, he would explode and do something he would regret.
So, he left, saying he was going to go practice on his broom. James stood too, but Sirius just shook his head, and James nodded, seeming to understand. James always understood. That was something Sirius loved about him.
He left the common room quickly, breathing a sigh of relief when he entered the hallway. Sirius headed down to the pitch. He would only have a bit of time before he would join the rest of the marauders in the Shack with Remus – with moony. Sirius loved full moons, loved the freedom of running fierce and wild through the woods. Maybe that would finally cure this mood that clung to him like a bad cold.
Sirius was just past the greenhouses when he spotted a lanky figure in a green tie. Snape. He knew it was a bad idea, but he was itching for a fight, for a release. So he headed towards the figure instead of away from him.
Snape was pulling a plant out of the ground when Sirius reached him.
“Snivellus. Isn’t it a bit past your bedtime?”
Snape spun around, lips curled in contempt. “What are you doing out here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Use your eyes, Black.” He held up a hand of roots. Asphodel. For potions, Sirius guessed.
“No need to be so rude, Snivellus. I was simply asking you a question.” Sirius smirked. He hated when he was like this, but the words felt like they were hardly even his.
Snape narrowed his eyes, “Why are you bothering me? Don’t you have better things to do, like that snog that mudblood you’ve been seeing?”
“Don’t call her that,” Sirius spat.
Snape cocked his head, grinning. “Hmm. I thought you might understand, being of the noble house of Black and all that. But how could I be so stupid! They kicked you out, and you went crawling to those blood traitors. You’re clearly as dumb as the rest of your Gryffindor friends. Merlin, aren’t you pathetic?”
Sirius’s fists curled. Don’t get upset, he’s only trying to get to your head. “Better than being in that family, or like the rest of you blood purists. I mean, who would ever want to be like you?” He laughed coldly, gesturing at Snape’s shabby robes and greasy hair.
Snape gritted his teeth, “Fuck off, Black. Go crawl to Potter like you always do. Go on,”
Sirius rolled his eyes, “That’s the best you could do, Snape? I should’ve expected that, you can’t fight someone your own size. You have to pick on first years with your death eater friends, isn’t that right? Tell me, do you really think that’s going to get you all chummy with the ‘Dark Lord’?”
“Don’t speak of him.” Snape said, pulling out his wand.
Sirius laughed, “Or what?”
“You don’t understand what you’re talking about, not at all. This is bigger than you,” Snape smiled coldly, “Your brother understands. But he’s the good one, right? He’s the one they wanted. Regulus, that’s his name, hmm? I heard they were glad to have you gone, heard Regulus is living up to their expectations much better than you ever would.”
His brother's name sounded wrong in Snape’s mouth. He didn’t have a response, he was too mad, his vision going cloudy with hate.
“Must be hard, not being wanted all the time. So pathetic, crawling from person to person begging them to want you. But they never do, do they? Only a mudblood will take you.” Snape laughed without humor. “Not even your family wants you, not even your brother. You know, he told me he’s glad you’re gone.”
Something switched off in Sirius’s mind. He smiled, eyes blank. “Have you ever wondered how to get past the whomping willow?”
Snape took a hesitant step back, “What? Why?”
Sirius laughed, feeling nothing nothing nothing nothing. “You’re always wondering where Remus goes. Press the knot at the center of the bark, and you’ll find out.” He said, voice sing songy and wrong. It was all so wrong, but his mind was too numb to figure out why.
His memory went blank after that, and when Sirius opened his eyes he was in the Gryffindor tower. His friends were staring at him, all gathered around the fireplace. What had he done?
It came crashing down on him like a wave. “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck,” He was choking, “Fuck, James, I messed up. James, James we need to go. We need to go, now, we need to go right now.” Panic was building in his brain like a storm. Fuck, why had he done that? Why couldn’t he just keep his stupid mouth closed?
Remus Remus Remus Remus. He was going to hate Sirius. How had it all gone so wrong so fast? This was his fault, all his fault. They needed to go right now, they needed to do something.
Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders, guiding him out to the hall, “Shh, it’s okay, Sirius. It’s me.” It was not okay. It was not fucking okay, he had ruined everything. “Breathe. Tell me what’s wrong.” James’s comforting voice calmed his heart rate only enough for him to choke out, “Remus.”
Peter looked scared, “What’s wrong with Remus?”
Sirius turned to James, eyes wide and wild. He didn’t want to admit what he’d done, but he needed to help Remus. “I told Snape how to get past the whomping willow.”
…
James reeled backwards. What? Then he started running, not even letting the information sink in fully.
Shit, he needed to get to Remus right now. He could hear Sirius and Peter running behind him, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Remus. Why had Sirius done that? It was unthinkable. It was evil.
James reached the whomping willow out of breath and red in the face. It was dark out now, and hard to see the knot in the tree. He levitated a stick clumsily and pressed the knot as fast as his shaky hands would let him. The branches fell still, and James ducked beneath them, heading towards the tunnel. Let me get there in time, please, please, let me get there in time.
Sirius tried to follow him, but James whirled around, holding out an arm. “No. No, you don’t get to help. Tell Dumbledore what you did, now.” Sirius stood there dumbstruck, and James shouted, “Now, Sirius!” Peter looked frightened, glancing between them with his eyes wide.
“Peter, stay here. If I don’t come out in ten minutes, get Madam Pomfrey.” James took a deep breath, and entered the tunnel. He was running as fast as he could in the crouched position that the low hanging tunnel forced his back into. He could hear voices at the end of the tunnel. Shit shit shit, he needed to be faster. Fuck. James needed to get there before Remus turned.
James burst through the entrance, heart hammering up his throat. Remus was halfway through the transformation, and his human eyes were wide and terrified. He was about to turn. Fuck fuck fuck.
Snape was standing still, staring in disgust, “Does Dumbeldore know about this? You’re a danger, Remus! Why the fuck would they allow a creature like you anywhere near students? You’re a fucking freak.” His voice shook, and he was backing away slowly, holding his wand, “I knew, I knew, and no one fucking listened to me!”
“Get away from me, werewolf!” Snape said, as Remus’s face grew long strands of honey brown fur. Remus was inching away, clearly trying to fight the transformation. He looked so scared, and his eyes found James, pleading pleading pleading for this to be okay.
James grabbed Snape, throwing his body over his shoulders. Snape struggled, kicking at James’s legs, “Let me go!”
James didn’t pause to answer, all that mattered was getting out of there. Remus would never forgive himself if he hurt someone. Remus was screaming now, and the sound broke James’s heart. Snape stilled, staring at the way Remus’s body was breaking and reforming, horror clear on his pale face.
James ran for the door, begging some unknowable force for this to be okay, for them to escape safely. The screaming slowed, and he could hear something behind them. Fuck fuck fuck. Moony was coming for them, fast.
Snape was heavy on his shoulder as he threw open the door. He dropped Snape on the dirt, and he gave a startled yelp, looking more frightened than James had ever seen him. James slammed the door shut, sliding the hefty metal bolt across the doorway. He could hear the sound of claws on metal from behind the door, along with the sound of low heavy breathing.
Snape glanced up at him, eyes wild, “What the fuck?”
James just laughed. Moony was okay, they were okay. Thank fuck. And then he started crying. Snape looked wildly uncomfortable, staring at James’s tear stained face from his vantage point on the ground. The tunnel was dark, and they could barely see each other, something James was grateful for. He hated when people saw him cry, but that hardly seemed to matter right now. It had all gone so wrong so fast. Why had Sirius done this?
…
Three minutes left, and Peter was starting to get worried. He glanced at his watch again, hoping they were all right. He didn’t understand what had happened, why had Sirius told Snape? They were supposed to keep Remus’s secret, supposed to protect him. That’s what they did. So why had Sirius broken that trust?
Two minutes left, and Peter’s hand shook as he gripped his wand tightly. Where were they? Would James be okay? What if…? What if, what if, what if? Peter’s head was full of horrible possibilities. Was moony okay? Was James? They needed each other. Peter couldn’t imagine a life without the marauders, without his friends. His feet were frozen from standing still in the cold for so long, and he shifted his weight, lost in his head.
One minute left, and Peter felt ill. James James James. His best friend. He needed to be okay, needed to get out all right. James always came out the other side of things unscathed. He had to be okay, right? Fuck, he felt like throwing up. Peter glanced at his watch, breathing fast and shallow. He was about to turn, to go back up to the castle, when he heard a noise behind him.
And thank fucking goodness, because there was James and he was all right. He was all right. Peter nearly laughed with relief.
James looked pale, his normally cheery face cast in a sickly shadow by the lights in the castle's windows. Snape was standing next to him, looking shocked and scared. James was tugging at Snape’s sleeve, “For fucks sake, Snape, move.”
Snape batted James’s hand away, and walked towards where Peter was standing. His face had turned from frightened to disgusted. “I’m going to the teachers. No, the ministry! People need to know that there’s a fucking monster on these grounds. They need to kill him, more like it. He’s a danger to us all, and they’re just letting him fucking transform every moon. They need to get rid of that freak, right fucking now!” Snape’s lips curled in disgust, as he pushed past Peter towards the castle.
“Merlin, I thought Remus was strange, but not a fucking werewolf. They need to get rid of him, kill him, this is ridiculous–” Suddenly there was a flash of red light and Snape slumped to the ground.
James stared at Peter, and Peter blinked. He’d hardly remembered raising his wand, but Snape just wouldn’t fucking shut up. “Sorry, he was just really getting on my nerves.”
James gave him a weak chuckle, before casting a levitation charm on Snape’s limp body. “Come on, Pete. Let’s get him up to the castle.” James’s eyes looked tired and dead. What a mess this night had been. If Peter had a time turner, he would rewind this all, and make it better somehow. Make Sirius take back the words that ruined the trust they had all so carefully built. Peter wasn’t sure they would be able to come back from this, and the thought made his heart ache. His mind just kept repeating the same question: Why why why why why why? Why, Sirius, why?