Chapter 10
James spent the next few days lost in his head. Every time his thoughts wandered, they would land, inevitably, on Regulus. He didn’t know how to help, and he hated feeling this useless. James was the one who always made things better, who made people happy. But he didn’t know how to make things better this time.
James needed to get Regulus out of that house, he knew that much. James knew his parents would take Regulus in, and Sirius would forgive him. If he knew, if he only knew. It took a tremendous amount of effort not to tell Sirius everything, but he was determined not to break the trust Regulus had given him. James could tell Regulus didn’t trust people easily, and he didn’t want to break that.
James considered going to the ministry on more than one occasion. But from what he’d heard from his parent’s letters recently, it seemed there were more death eaters than ministry officials at this point.
Eventually, James settled on waiting, though it pained him greatly. It wouldn’t help Regulus if they made him leave right away. Walburga and Orion would only chase him and bring him back. Or kill him. And James couldn’t let that happen.
If he waited, maybe Regulus would trust him enough to let him tell people. He was sure they could figure something out, especially if Sirius knew. There had to be some way out of this. James would just have to wait until Regulus let him help him. He just needed a bit more time. He hoped the universe would be kind enough to give it to him.
…
Regulus was surprised how little things changed between him and James. The confession had felt momentous, like a barrier between them, but nothing shifted in their relationship. They still met every night in the astronomy tower. They still talked about their days, and classes, and books. They still watched the stars move slowly overhead.
James had mentioned it once, asking if Regulus would leave if he figured out a way to get him out. Regulus had only shaken his head and told him to leave it alone. And James had, he had turned the conversation towards his favorite type of tea instead (earl gray with honey and a dash of milk). He had given Regulus the space he needed to breathe.
And that was nice, so nice to have a person who listened and understood. That person used to be Sirius, but things changed after he left for Hogwarts. And his friends were great, but it was different, somehow, with James.
He could talk to Dorcas and Pandora, but not too much, or they’d shoot him worried glances all day long. And he could talk with Barty and Evan, but not too much, or they’d just turn it into a joke. Sometimes it seemed like they really believed all that death eater shit. Barty had even said Regulus was lucky to have a family with such great connections. That had been after Regulus had told them his mom made him practice the cruciatus curse on birds in their garden.
With James, it was easy. Nothing was forced or hidden, they just talked. It made Regulus feel safe, something he hadn’t felt in a long time.
He tried not to get too comfortable, chided himself whenever he felt himself relaxing. But he couldn’t help it. James made him feel like he was finally home.
…
Remus hated Sirius Black. That’s what he told himself everytime Sirius flashed his stupid grin, or turned his gaze towards Remus. He wouldn’t blush or feel his heart flutter, because he hated him. And that was that.
But that wasn't that, because Remus didn’t hate him, no matter how hard he tried. He loved him instead. And it was breaking his heart a bit, however stupid it was, because Sirius, despite all his flirtatious ways, did not love him back.
When Sirius had told the marauders he was seeing Mary, Remus had felt his heart crumble in his chest. He was sure that Sirius didn’t actually love Mary, and that Mary didn’t actually love Sirius. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Sirius didn’t love Remus either. And he would never love Remus, no matter how hard he tried to be enough. Because Sirius Black liked girls, and Remus was not a girl. He was a boy and werewolf, an unlovable creature made of scars and unsaid words.
So, whenever Sirius would grin at him and Remus would feel his cheeks flush, he would turn away and remind himself he hated Sirius. Because hating him was easier than loving him, it was just hard to remember when Sirius’s eyes were on his.
Remus had taken to spending even more time in the library than he normally did in order to avoid Sirius. He spent long hours studying, usually joined by Lily.
Lily was the one person who actually knew about his crush on Sirius. She’d caught him staring at Sirius in fourth year, and immediately figured it out. She’d gasped and grabbed his arm, “Sirius?” She’d asked, her eyes wide. Remus had considered lying, but Lily would know, so he just nodded after a pause.
She’d kept his secret well, and Remus was glad to have at least one person to talk about it all.
One day, while they were flipping through books on goblin riots, Lily had turned to him, “So… Mary and Sirius, huh?” Remus had been hoping they could put the conversation on hold for a little while longer, but luck was not on his side. He shot her a look.
Lily smiled gently, “Hey, I’m not supposed to say this as Mary’s friend, but I don’t think it’ll last.”
“That’s not the problem,” He exhaled, “The problem is that it’ll never be me. He’ll move from girl to girl forever, never to me.”
Lily sighed, not trying to deny it. They both knew Sirius’s dating history. “There’s no one else?” She asked.
Remus shook his head, biting his lower lip. “It’s always been him.”
Lily laughed quietly, but not unkindly. “I’m sorry Remus. You’ll find someone, though. I’m sure of it. You’re too lovely not to.” She said, pinching his cheeks and smiling when he batted her away.
Remus nodded, but he didn’t believe it, not really. Something he hadn’t told anyone, not even the marauders, was that he sometimes didn’t feel worthy of love. There was some great evil inside him that would destroy any love he was lucky enough to come across. He knew this, somehow, though his friends would try to convince him otherwise. Deep down, Remus knew there was something bad inside him, something that would ruin any love he received or gave.
It didn’t matter, really, though. There was no one but Sirius, and he couldn’t destroy that love if he didn’t have it.
Sirius loved him platonically, he knew that. But Remus wanted more than that, and he knew it was unfair to want that. Any form of love from Sirius should be enough. He tried to convince himself that it was enough, but it just wasn’t. He wanted more from Sirius, more than he could ever give. Remus knew how unfair it was, he spent days on end trying to convince himself being friends was enough, but his heart just didn’t want to listen. So, Remus loved Sirius Black, despite trying to hate him. Remus loved him, and would always love him, no matter how hard he tried not to.