Chapter 9
It was only a few days until exams when Peter came stumbling into the dorms, looking ashen.
James jumped up from his bed, where he’d been tossing a stolen snitch up and down. “What’s wrong, Pete?”
Peter looked near tears. “Snape, and Mulciber, and Avery. I was just walking down the hall, I didn’t even provoke them, James, I promise I didn’t. But they did the levicorpus spell, and I don’t mind so much if it’s one of you lot, in our dorm, alone. But it was in front of a whole group of Slytherins, and I just got away,” He shook his head, sinking onto his bed. “You’re right, James. They have gotten worse.”
Sirius looked furious, and he stood up to pace. “What they need is a prank. All the Slytherin’s. Something good, something that will remind them that we’re the fucking marauders.” James nearly laughed, Sirius’s expression was so vengeful it bordered on comical. But he held it, because Sirius was right, the Slytherin’s did need to stop, and maybe a prank was the perfect solution.
Remus was standing too, but he shook his head. “Not until after exams.”
“But, moony! This is the perfect time, they’re busy, they won’t expect a thing!” Sirius said, pleading.
Remus just shook his head again. “No, sorry padfoot, but exams. We need to study – you need to study. It’s O.W.Ls, this is our future we’re talking about.”
Sirius pouted, making a pleading face that usually broke Remus’s resolve.
“ No , Sirius. It's only a month, you'll survive.”
Peter looked back and forth at the two of them before tentatively jumping in. “Sorry, Sirius, but I agree. My mom will kill me if I don’t focus on my studies, especially in O.W.L year.”
This finally made Sirius relent, “Finee,” He sighed, flopping down on his mattress. “But as soon as exams are over, we strike, yeah?”
Remus nodded after a pause, “But only after.”
James grinned at Sirius, trying to console his friend, “And it’ll be great, they won’t know what hit them. We’ll get them back, okay?” He knew Sirius wanted revenge, knew he didn’t like seeing James hurt. But James was okay, his wounds had healed, only leaving behind a few thin white scars. Pomfrey said that the scars would probably fade, but it would take time. Luckily, the dark magic hadn’t been too strong, so James was happy to only have scars as a reminder of Snape’s curse.
Sirius smiled back. “See, prongs here understands mischief.” He said, shooting Remus a look. Things had been a bit rocky between them after Sirius and Mary started going out. It had been better after the morning in the hospital wing, but there was still some tension. James wasn’t exactly sure why, but if he had to guess, Remus was probably just scared that Mary might steal his friend. He didn’t have to worry though, James knew Sirius practically adored Remus, hanging onto his every word.
Remus stuck out his tongue in a childish gesture, before turning back to his books.
…
James still hadn’t worked up the courage to ask Regulus about his family and his views on blood purity. It was a tense topic, nowadays. Especially with Regulus’s family, who cared so much about purity. Toujours Pur . Always pure was their fucking family motto, so James was understandably a bit scared to broach the topic. They’d even tortured their own son over it, and kicked him out of their family. It was ridiculous. It was awful. James hated that family with everything in him after what they’d done to Sirius.
If he was being honest with himself, James supposed he was also scared of Regulus’s answer. He’d grown to love their nights in the astronomy tower, and he really didn’t want to lose Regulus as a friend. But he needed to know.
So, that night, James decided it was time to ask. His hands were shaking as he pushed open the door to the tower.
Regulus was there, as always. No new book this time. James was still reading The Last Unicorn, which he found both strange and lovely. Funny what muggles did with “fantasy”.
Regulus looked up, eyes bright in the moonlight, “Hello, James.”
James smiled before he could stop himself, “Hello, Regulus.” He sat down, closer than he normally dared.
“I have something to ask you. I want you to answer honestly – I need you to answer honestly. I need to know who you really are, if that makes sense.”
Regulus froze, his expression hardening.
James took a deep breath before continuing, “This is important to me, okay? Really, really important. I just need to know, do you believe all that stuff your family says about blood purity? Be honest, please, Reg.” James said hurriedly, forcing the words out.
Regulus blinked, surprise flashing over his face. He sighed, and it was silent for long enough that James thought he might not answer.
“Honestly? I can’t even bring myself to care either way. Like, I know it’s a big deal to people – it’s a big deal to my family, but I just don’t fucking care.” He paused, eyes searching James for a moment. “I have nothing against muggles or muggleborns. I was just taught to hate them, but I don’t know why. I don’t think they’re beneath me or anything like that.”
James nodded, considering Regulus’s answer. He’s not like them. “Then why did you stay?”
“I’ve answered that. I have to stay. I’m the heir, remember?”
“You don’t have to be.”
Regulus looked down at his hands. They were shaking slightly and he shoved them in the folds of his robes, “I do though, I do . If I’m going to say this, you can’t tell anyone, especially not Sirius. No one, okay?”
James said yes immediately. “I won’t tell anyone, Regulus. You can trust me.”
He sighed, hesitating. “Okay.” Regulus paused again. “I can’t leave. I have to be their heir, because if I don’t they’ll just take back Sirius. It’s one or the other. He didn’ realize by leaving me he’d sealed my fate. He didn’t think about that, he just thought I chose to stay. But I know, James, I know if I left, they’d take Sirius back, or they’d kill him. Anything for an heir, that’s all they want.” Regulus swallowed, eyes focused on the forbidden forest, not on James. “I can’t leave, I can’t do that to Sirius. Let him have his freedom. I’m okay being that person as long as it keeps Sirius safe.”
James was not expecting that answer. Oh, Regulus. “Regulus.” He said, voice pained.
Regulus shook his head, turning towards James, “I don’t need your pity, so don’t give it to me, Potter. I chose this, in a way. Sirius just helped finalize it.”
James looked at Regulus’s face, searching for something. And, there, there it was. In his eyes, James saw the pain the rest of his face wouldn’t betray. “I won’t tell anyone. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. This isn’t pity, it’s a fact. I’m sorry that you have to stay, I’m sorry you have to be their heir, I’m sorry Sirius had to leave. He felt trapped there, too, you know. Either way it’s unfair.” And James was finally beginning to see that. That either way things worked out, that family would win because they were determined for something only Regulus or Sirius could give them. It was so, so fucked up.
Regulus looked unbearably sad. “Don’t worry about me, James. Some lives just aren’t meant for glory. I realized that after Sirius left. There’s no point fighting for something that isn’t there.”
And James wanted to scream. Sirius had Regulus all wrong. He wanted to say something, anything, to make Regulus feel better but the words just wouldn’t leave his throat.
“Can I hug you?” James said, because it was the only thing he could think to do or say. “I’m a firm believer that hugs make everything better.”
Regulus laughed, startled. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, James. But make it short.”
So, James pulled Regulus into a hug. He was soft, and warm, and James practically melted into his arms. It wasn’t really a short hug, but Regulus didn’t pull away. James finally did, after a while.
He wanted to tell Regulus he loved him, because he did, but he didn’t want to overwhelm him. Didn’t want to scare him off after all he'd just shared with him. Instead he just said, “I’ll leave it alone after this, but I just want you to know that you're so lovely. And brave, so incredibly brave to do that for Sirius. Selfless, too. It hurts that you can't see how wonderful you are. I wish I'd seen it sooner, because you are, Regulus, you are.”
Regulus's mouth twisted like James’s words were hurting him physically. He didn't say anything, though. Just stared at James a moment longer.
James didn't know how to make him feel better, but he stretched out a hand. Regulus looked at it a second before taking it. They didn't speak after that, just stared up at the night sky together, fingers intertwined, and it was enough. It was enough.
…
He can't help it. Regulus trusts James, and he wished he didn't because all he is a fucking burden. But he does. And hates himself for it.
But James took his hand and held on the whole night. But James hugged him, but James called him brave and selfless and lovely. But Regulus wanted James, wanted him so badly it hurt.
Regulus wasn't sure exactly what compelled him to tell James about everything. Well, yes he was, it was James's smile and his stupid earnest eyes. It was James's face, and his beautiful dimples. It was the way he made Regulus feel seen and heard, and even loved. It was James, it was always James.
He didn't mean to say all that he did, it just spilled out. It had been kept up inside him too long, and it wanted out. James had coaxed it from his throat, and now it lay bare on the stone floor of the astronomy tower. He could never take those words back. He wasn’t sure he wanted to.
Regulus sighed, staring up at the ceiling above his bed. It was painted white, but the years had turned the edges a yellow color, like the pages of old books. It reminded Regulus of his bedroom at home. He thought back to that room, all that had happened there. He’d been in that room when Sirius had left. Regulus would always remember that day, it was imprinted in his mind, woven through his veins.
Bellatrix, and his parents had left Sirius in a crumpled heap in the library after they were done with him. At one point, they’d tried to make Regulus join too. His hands were shaking so hard that Bellatrix finally just yanked the wand out of his hand and did it herself. He wished he’d stopped them, but it wouldn’t have done anything. It would’ve just made everything worse, so he stood and he’d watched. Watched and watched and watched and watched and watched.
Afterwards, after they all left, Regulus tried his best to wake Sirius up. His brother had been heavy in his arms as he slapped his face, trying and trying and trying to get Sirius to wake up. Please be alive, please please please be alive.
Sirius had woken then, eyes wide and startled to find Regulus’s face in front of his. Regulus was shaking all over. He didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, how to protect Sirius like he’d always protected Regulus.
Sirius had pushed his hands away, clearly remembering how Regulus hadn’t done anything to stop the rest of his family from torturing him. “I need to leave.” He choked out, panic evident on his white face.
Regulus just stared. Leave? But they were brothers. They stayed together, they always stayed together. Sirius protected Regulus, that’s what they always did. He couldn’t just leave.
Sirius tried to stand, legs unsteady and shaky beneath him. He leaned on the desk for support, eyes slightly wild, “I need to go, I need to go right now.” He turned to Regulus, “Reg. Reg, come with me, please. The Potter’s would want you there. I want you there, please Reggie.”
Regulus backed up, shaking his head. He couldn’t leave. If he left, they’d come after both of them. They only needed one of them, and Sirius had already proved he was disposable. “I can’t, Sirius. You know that. Go before they find you.”
“No, no. Regulus, please, the Potter’s will protect us, I promise. We’ll be safe. You don’t have to stay here. It’ll be okay, Reggie.” Sirius looked ashen and sickly in the glow of the candlelight.
Regulus could feel his resolve crumbling, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He shook his head again, and that motion broke Sirius. He watched Sirius shatter in a way even the cruciatus curse couldn’t make him. His face fell, and Regulus wanted to hug him, wanted to tell him it would be okay. But it wouldn’t and it wasn’t, so he just stood and watched. That’s all he ever did as his brother hurt. He just watched.
“Fine. But this means it’s over, you know that, right? We’re not brothers after this.” Sirius said, looking directly into Regulus’s eyes. Neither of them moved for what felt like a lifetime.
Finally Sirius sighed, looking heartbroken. He blinked away tears, anger replacing sorrow, “Okay, that’s it, I have to go. Go up to your room so it doesn't look like you helped.” He said, turning away.
Regulus couldn’t move, but he needed to. Needed to get out of there. Eventually, he got his legs to unstick from the carpet beneath him. Sirius didn’t watch him leave, just stood by the desk, staring into the fireplace. That was the last time Regulus ever saw his brother. After that, they were just strangers who shared a past. At least, that’s what Regulus told himself to numb the pain. To stop it from hurting.
What Sirius didn’t know, he’d left by then, was that Regulus had gone back to the library. He’d made it all the way to his room, sat down on his bed, before he realized he never told Sirius he loved him. That felt important, somehow.
Regulus ran down the stairs, breathing fast. I love him, I love him. He needs to know that I love him, was all he could think. He’d never been very good at saying it, but Sirius needed to know before he left. Because Regulus did, he loved him like half his heart.
The large oak doors to the library were heavy as Regulus pushed them open. At first, Regulus thought he’d caught him in time. But no. Regulus had never been lucky, and the fates cursed him once again that day. Walburga turned as he entered.
“Did you know about this? Sirius left to go to those blood traitors.” She didn’t even look mad, her face was stoic and unreadable. When he was younger, Regulus had adopted the look from her whenever he felt too much. Now, it was just a habit.
He shook his head, shoving all thoughts of the talk with Sirius far far back into his mind. He could feel Walburga trying to pry them forward, but he’d gotten better at hiding.
She nodded, turning to stare at the fireplace. “Good riddance to that boy, it was tiring, always keeping him in check. He was more trouble than he was worth, in the end. And we still have you, Regulus. So agreeable. The Dark Lord will be pleased when you're of age to join him.”
She walked past Regulus, black robes swishing through the air like a knife. She paused at the doorway, “I expect you’re smart enough not to go after him, or to discuss this matter?”
Regulus nodded, feeling numb. Walburga smiled, but there was no warmth to it, “That’s my son.”
She left then, and Regulus crumpled to the floor. Sirius was gone, gone, gone. Never coming back. He didn’t cry. Couldn’t cry. He tried, but all that came out was great heaving dry sobs.
When he was younger, Sirius had snuck into his room at night to read him the Tales of Beedle the Bard. Their parents forbade it, but Sirius, always the rebel, didn’t care. He’d read Regulus the story of The Warlock’s Hairy Heart one night, and Regulus always wondered what it was like to have your heart outside your body and somewhere unknown.
Lying on that red shaggy carpet, Regulus learned. His heart belonged to Sirius, but he was gone. And Regulus couldn’t even cry. After that night, Regulus wondered if there was something wrong with him. There probably was. His brother left, and all Regulus could do was sit and stare and sit and stare until his eyes went unfocused and blurry.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. Regulus whispered into the empty room, and it echoed back. He hated it for that. He didn’t deserve love, not even an echo of it from an empty room where his brother once stood. The words were meant for Sirius, but only the books heard them.
Hours later, Kreacher would find him on his knees staring at the wooden walls. Hours later, he would have to act as though everything was all right. Hours later he would practice the cruciatus curse on birds in the yard, instructed by his mother. But right then, it was just Regulus and the ghost of his brother in that library. They existed in a space outside of time for a brief moment. A space where all that was left was Regulus and Sirius and the words I love you.