Chapter 4
James wasn’t sure if Regulus was going to come back the next evening, but when he checked the map, there he was. He smiled to himself before sneaking out of bed.
James was reaching for the doorknob when he heard a shuffle behind him.
“James? Where you going mate?” Said a sleepy voice to his right. Sirius rubbed his eyes, peering at him from behind his curtains.
James smiled again. “Go back to bed, Padfoot. I’m just going on a walk to clear my mind.” A lie. He hated lying to Sirius. It felt like betraying himself, in a way.
“Do you want company? I’ll come with you, just let me grab my jumper.” Sirius said quietly, standing up.
“No, no, it’s okay, Sirius. Really, I’ll be back soon. I just couldn’t sleep. Don’t worry about it.” James whispered.
Sirius gave him a skeptical look but nodded. “Okay. Just don’t get caught.” He winked before closing the curtains once again.
James breathed a sigh of relief when the door closed behind him. He wasn’t ready to tell Sirius yet. He would though, soon. He would.
James pushed the door to the astronomy tower open gently, and walked through. And there he was. He looked so pretty and calm when he was staring at the stars. James grinned, walking over to sit next to Regulus.
“Hello. How are you?”
“Small talk? Really, Potter? Isn’t just sitting here bad enough?” Regulus scowled, turning to look at him.
“Not nearly. So, how are you, Regulus?”
Regulus sighed, but the corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly. “I’m fine, Potter.”
James shook his head, his eyes bright, “Details, dear Regulus, details!”
“Oh, because we know each other so well? Fine, James. Potions was good, transfiguration was bad and you’re really fucking annoying.”
James just smiled wider. “Aw, thanks Reg. My day was good, thank you for asking! Quidditch practice was fun, I can’t wait to beat you guys next week.”
“You wish,” Regulus scoffed.
James put a hand on his chest, his mouth falling open in mock outrage, “You think you can beat me? Me? All I can say is good luck.”
“I won’t need luck. Just my incredible skill.” Regulus said, and that was definitely a smile James saw on his face. A smile he put there.
“I admit, you’re good. But the absolute disrespect! You think you can beat me? Champion of Quidditch? Well, I dare you to try. It’s an impossible task, many have tried before you and failed.”
“Wow, and I thought what people said about your ego was exaggerated. Clearly I was wrong.” Regulus deadpanned.
James gasped, “I don’t have a big ego! Just because I’m incredible and amazing in every way doesn’t mean I have an ego! I just speak the truth.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. James was enjoying this conversation far too much, so he continued. “Regulus, reassure me. I don’t have a big ego, right? I’m wonderful and awesome? Tell me how amazing I am, Regulus.”
Regulus sighed, a smile playing on his lips. “So amazing, James. Second only to me, of course.”
“The gall! The nerve!”
Regulus smiled, “I think you’ll be okay. Like you said, I only speak the truth.”
It fell silent for a moment, both of them smiling slightly, eyes turned towards the sky.
“What’s your favorite book?” James asked after a few minutes
“More small talk? Really, James?" Regulus shook his head, but his eyes were amused, "You probably wouldn’t know it. It’s muggle.”
James was taken aback, “You read muggle books? What’s it called?”
“Sometimes. It’s called Franny and Zooey by J.D Salinger. My family has a manor in France, and I sometimes go to the muggle library there.” Regulus said quietly. He seemed almost shy, hiding behind his dark curls.
"Your parents don't care?"
"They don't know."
James nodded thoughtfully, surprised that Regulus would ever disobey his family. “Do you have a copy? Can I read it? What’s it about?”
Regulus blinked, looking slightly taken aback. “Why do you care?”
“I don’t know,” James answered truthfully, “I just do.”
“Oh. Well, yes I do have a copy. I’ll bring it tomorrow, if you’d like. It’s about this girl Franny, and her brother Zooey. It doesn’t really go anywhere, we just learn a bit about their lives. You probably won’t like it, it’s not very exciting.”
James smiled, looking up at the stars while saying, “Yes, I’d like that very much, please bring it. I want to read it, even if I won’t like it.” He wanted to know Regulus, wanted to read the words that he’d read. Wanted to see things from his eyes.
“Okay. I will.”
They went silent after that, just staring at the same sky together. James felt better than he had in a long time. It was a bit confusing, how much he suddenly wanted to be Regulus's friend, a boy he'd previously hated. But now he just wanted to know him, to sit with him, to listen to him talk. James knew it was unfair to Sirius, but he'd talk to him, make him understand that Regulus really wasn't that bad. Maybe they'd all be friends, maybe it would all work out.
…
The next day is a bit of a whirlwind, with Quidditch practice, lessons, and, of course, marauding. The marauders skived off Potions to plan their next prank, where they were trying to figure out how to convince the portraits to interrupt teachers whenever they talked (Remus’s brilliant idea).
“Okay, but what if we don’t do portraits?” Peter asked.
“And do what?” Sirius said, pulling his long black hair into a bun while staring at the lengthy notes they’d taken.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get that far.”
Remus leaned back in his chair, “That’s not a bad idea. Like have something follow them around, maybe?”
“Yes! But what? Enchant portraits to follow them?” James asked, flipping through a book on charms.
“Maybe.” Remus squinted down at the parchment. “I say we call it a night. We’ve been at this for hours."
“It’s only six!” Sirius said, exasperated.
“Yeah, but dinner’s soon, and I have to finish homework,” Peter chimed in.
Sirius shook his head, “Lightweights. No dedication to the cause anymore! You hooligans only care about school. Back in my day we cared about things of worth, like mischief, like marauding, like pranks!”
James grinned, “Calm down my dear sir, we’ll be back at it soon.”
Sirius sighed dramatically, but relented when the rest of the marauders headed down to dinner.
James sat down by Remus, and was surprised, and admittedly pleased, when Lily Evans joined them. Usually, Lily avoided him like the plague. Not that he blamed her, he was a bit of nuisance in fourth year. Okay, more than a bit. He’d like to think he was better now. But alas, when she sat down he couldn’t help but blurt out, “You look pretty today, Evans.” James really hadn’t meant to say that. He couldn’t help himself. When he loved someone he needed them to know. Lily, however, had made it very clear that she did not want to know.
“Fuck off, Potter. Remus, I was wondering if I could borrow your notes for magical theory? I need to double check my notes on how high spirits affect wand work.
Remus swallowed an enormous bite of mashed potatoes before answering. James had noticed he was always hungrier around the full moon. “‘Course, Lils.” Remus bent down to grab his bag, pulling out the notes.
“Thanks Remus, you’re a lifesaver. I’ll return them tomorrow, I promise.” She stood, stuffing the parchment into her bag.
“Bye Lily.” James said, somewhat pathetically.
Lily just flipped him off over her shoulder, heading to sit with Mary and Marlene. Marlene gave him an amused smile before turning back to her conversation.
“Mate, it’s getting a bit sad. Give it up,” Peter said from across the table.
Sirius laughed, “He can’t, Pete. He’s a romantic, aren’t you James?”
James grumbled, trying to ignore his idiot friends. The problem was, he really was quite the romantic. He’d loved Lily Evans ever since first year, when she set his hair on fire in an accident while trying to levitate a toad. He'd never really been told not to tell people that he loved them, so he’d smiled at her dreamily and said, “I think I’m in love with you.” Being a reasonable eleven year old, she’d frowned and ran off, leaving his hair a smoldering mess. And yeah, James couldn’t really blame her for that one.
Since then, he’d tried everything to catch her attention. None of it had worked, not the singing statues, not the countless cards, not the loud declarations of love, not even the chocolate hearts. James didn’t understand why he wasn’t enough. He just wanted to be enough.
He couldn’t blame her for not wanting him, but it hurt. It would always hurt. Still, he reminded himself, she had a right to choose. James just needed to get better at letting her choose anyone but him.
…
That night, James got to the astronomy tower before Regulus. He waited, alternating between staring at the stars and then the map. Finally, Regulus’s little black dot began moving towards the tower.
Regulus pushed open the door, a small smile on his face. James grinned broadly at the sight.
“Hello, Regulus! What a surprise to see you here.”
Regulus sat down further then James would’ve liked, but still closer than he normally did. “Hello, James. Your wit never ceases to astound me.”
“I know, right? I’m pretty brilliant. What are you carrying?” James asked, looking at the small white book in Regulus’s hands.
Regulus handed him it, pulling back quickly before their fingers could touch. “It’s Franny and Zooey. I brought it for you to read, if you want to. I, um, well I annotated it. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, that’s lovely! I’m so excited to read it,” James said, flipping it over in his hands. Its cover was white with colorful lines in the top left corner. The front cover was the same as the back. “J.D Salinger, huh? I’ve never read him.”
“I wouldn’t have expected you to, it’s muggle. I didn’t think you read that stuff?”
James blushed, a bit embarrassed. “No, not really. Some Greek myths, but that’s about it.”
Regulus rested his head on his knees, staring at him with curiosity, “Which ones?”
“You know Icarus? My dad read that to me when I was younger. And we also read Atalanta, and something about Theseus. Icarus and Daedalus were my favorite though.”
“Why? You like reading about kids falling from the sky?” Regulus asked, smirking slightly. He looked a lot like Sirius when he did that, James noticed.
“So you have read it! And no, just the idea of wanting something you’ll never have, like the sun. I don’t know, it’s kind of poetic, isn’t it?” James said, running a hand through his hair.
Regulus paused for a moment, his eyes shining with something sorrowful. James didn’t know what it was. “Yeah, poetic. I didn’t think you’d be someone who likes poems.
“Well, my dear Regulus, you are wrong. Though, if I am being honest, I haven’t read a lot. Sometimes I write it, but not often.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow, “James Potter writes poetry? I really did have you all wrong, didn’t I?”
James grinned, “Apparently so. I have layers to me, Reg. Layers upon layers."
“Like an onion,” Regulus said, smiling widely.
“No! Not an onion!” Said James, mock-outraged, “How dare you! An onion? Of all vegetables you dare compare me to an onion?! The absolute disrespect!”
Regulus laughed, and oh, it was like music. James had never heard him laugh before, but now that he had, he never wanted him to stop. It was lovely.
“Clearly, I’ve hit a nerve. Fine, James, I actually think you’re a turnip. Better?”
“Much. And you, Regulus, you’re a cucumber. Plain as day, that’s a cucumber face I see in front of mine.” James said, smirking.
“A cucumber?”
James nodded, “A cucumber.”
Regulus looked slightly offended, but more baffled than anything, “And why in merlin's flappy underwear would you think that?”
James laughed uproariously at that, “Flappy underwear? Flappy underwear? Really Regulus?”
Regulus hid his face in his hands, “Leave me alone. It’s my stupid friend's influence. I swear to god, James, if you keep laughing I will murder you in your sleep.” James kept laughing, and Regulus glowered.
They spent the rest of the night talking about stupid things that didn’t matter. But they did matter. They mattered to James. He kept a mental list of every word Regulus said. He wanted to know him, wanted to learn him. So when Regulus said he liked oranges, James remembered, tucked it away in his brain along with the fact that Regulus hated the water, loved the sky, and had always wanted to visit Brazil. He remembered it all, cared about it all.
For some reason, as different as the two were, it was just easy with Regulus. He felt more like himself than he had in a while. Not to say that he didn't feel that way with his friends, but with Regulus- it was just different somehow. Warmer. It made him feel happy in the way wind in his hair and grass beneath his feet made him happy. Safe, and exhilarating, and just lovely. Regulus was just lovely.