Chapter 5
Remus noticed that James was different recently. Lighter, happier. He smiled more often, his eyes had a new found light. Remus doubted the rest of the marauders saw it, but then again he’d always been the observant one. He supposed it came from being overlooked so often. He was sure many portraits in the halls felt the same way. He sometimes would talk to them, and it was nice to hear what they had to say. Remus just wanted to make them feel a little less alone.
Remus had thought the impossible about James at first: Lily Evans had finally liked James back. But James would’ve been shouting that from the rooftops, and Lily, who he spent frequent long hours with studying, hadn’t said anything either.
Then, Remus had noticed how often James was leaving his bed at night. Before it had been a nightly stroll once or twice a week, but now it was every night. It didn’t make sense, James would tell the marauders if he was seeing anyone, or made a new friend. James was like that, he couldn’t keep anything to himself. It was a trait Remus both admired and was baffled by. Remus, on the other hand, couldn’t tell anyone anything, no matter how hard he tried.
James was bursting with love, he needed everyone around him to know it. So, a secret someone didn’t make sense. But at the same time, what else could it be? Remus didn’t know, but he tried his hardest to let James know he could confide in him if he needed to. He wasn’t sure how else to help, he’d never been very good at feelings. But it was the trying that counted, right? Remus hoped so.
The next few days were the same. James was gone at night, then bright and cheery in the morning. The marauders planned their pranks, and portraits began levitating behind teachers, interrupting them whenever they spoke. Classes went on as normal, as did studying. The moon grew closer every passing night, its silvery glow taunting Remus through the dorm room curtains.
He could feel his body ache, his bones begging to break. It was like this every month, and yet Remus never grew used to it, never grew used to the pain.
The rest of the marauders had become animagus at the beginning of this year, which confused Remus, and also made him feel ever so grateful. With padfoot, wormtail, and prongs, transforming was much easier. Though, he hated, hated, hated having to make them watch. It was painful enough without having to see the mix of pity and disgust on their faces.
The day of the full moon was always the worst. His body felt weak, and there was something in his chest begging to be free, to be let out. He couldn’t let it, wouldn’t let it out. Remus despised the wolf. Hated everything about him, wanted him gone, wanted him dead. He supposed that’s why he hurt himself, why he had so many scars marring his body. Marking it as broken and damaged.
Remus didn’t share those thoughts with the marauders, though. They wouldn’t understand. They loved moony, Sirius especially. Padfoot got along wonderfully with the wolf, and the two could spend hours playing. Remus would never understand what Sirius saw in moony. Sometimes, he almost felt like Sirius liked the wolf Remus more than the human Remus.
The full moon fell on a Tuesday that month, which was one of the least convenient days, as it meant Remus had to miss the classes the next day more often than not. The day of the full moon was spent mostly trying not to scream at classmates, or break something. The moon tended to make him irritable.
At the current moment Remus was trying incredibly hard not to yell at Sirius Black who was being a bloody nuisance.
“I do not need your help up the stairs, Sirius. I’m perfectly capable of walking on my own.” Remus hissed. He knew he would feel bad about it later, but god, he hated when Sirius acted as though he was weak.
Sirius quickly withdrew his hand, “Sorry, moons. Just trying to help.” He cast him an apologetic glance, though his hand still hovered near Remus’s elbow.
James smiled at them both, clearly trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, at least tonight should be fun, right? I’m thinking we explore the creek a bit more.”
Peter nodded along, a smile on his round face. He glanced at Remus, who was limping (and trying to hide it) beside him.
Remus looked around before saying quietly, “Yeah, Prongs, that’ll be good. Just don’t talk about it in public, yeah?” James was a bit loud about that sort of thing, and while Remus appreciated his excitement, this was not a secret he really wanted to share.
James grinned sheepishly, “Right you are, Remus.”
The marauders reached the common room at the same time as Lily, who smiled at Remus, glowered at James and Sirius, and gave Peter a small wave.
“How are you, Evans?” James asked, looking hopeful.
“I was good until I ran into you. Still not a chance in hell, Potter.” Lily said, before turning on her heel, red hair swinging behind her.
“It’s James!” James called after her. He looked only slightly crestfallen, which was an improvement from usual.
Remus climbed into the portrait hole after Peter, his knees aching as he lifted them. He hated feeling this weak.
“You alright there, moony?” Sirius asked, looking concerned.
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” Remus said, barely hiding a wince. He was, in fact, not fine.
Sirius gave him a skeptical look, following behind Remus at a short distance. Sirius was the most concerned of the marauders when it came to Remus’s ‘condition’. Sirius barely let him out of his sight, and was always an arm's length away with a square of chocolate. And while Remus was grateful for it greatly in hindsight, during the full moon it just really got on his bloody nerves.
Sirius handed him a bit of chocolate as the two entered the dorms behind Peter and James. The full was only in a few hours now, and the marauders kept giving Remus nervous looks as he began to collect his books and quills.
“Right. I’m headed to the library. I’ll see you lot in,” Remus glanced at his watch, “Four hours.”
“We’ll be there.” Peter said, smiling. James and Sirius nodded, and Remus stepped through the doorway. Though he would never admit it to the rest of the marauders, Remus sometimes hated their company during the full moon. He hated their pitying gaze, and concerned looks. Remus wasn’t powerless, and he didn’t need anyone to care. He didn’t want to be their burden. Remus was sure they wouldn’t see it like that, but he did, and he couldn’t be a chore to them.
…
Madam Pomfrey was already waiting in the hospital wing when Remus got there a few hours later. He smiled at her softly. He liked Pomfrey, she’d been a mother figure of sorts to him since his arrival at Hogwarts. She cared more than she let on, and Remus appreciated her for that.
“Ready, then?” Madam Pomfrey said briskly.
Remus sighed, “As I’ll ever be. Let’s go.”
The sun was just dipping beneath the horizon as they made their way to the whomping willow. The dying rays illuminated the grass peaking out from beneath the trampled snow. Remus always dreaded this walk, as it only reminded him of what was to come. Pomfrey made it better, though. She spent the stroll through the grounds, and then the tunnel, telling him about a new variation of pain potion she was trying out.
“I really do think it’ll work, I just need to add a little bit more clove, maybe some feverfew too…” She paused, looking contemplative, “Hmm, well never mind that now, we’re here. Need anything, dear?”
Remus shook his head. The pain was reaching an intensity where it was hard to talk.
Pomfrey gave him a gentle look. “All right. Well, you be careful, you hear? I’ll be back in the morning, okay?”
Remus nodded, and she gave him another small smile before leaving. He sank into the dirty mattress lying on the dusty floor, closing his eyes against the pain.
A few minutes later, Remus heard shuffling. He opened his eyes to find a large shaggy black dog sitting on the floor in front of him, looking incredibly proud. Despite mastering animagus transformation ages ago, Sirius never quite seemed to get over the thrill.
“Hey padfoot,” Remus whispered hoarsely. Prongs and wormtail had appeared as well, the invisibility cloak forgotten on an ancient chair. Remus smiled at them, so so very grateful for his friends.
The transformation began a few minutes after that, as did the screaming. Pain pain pain pain. It coursed through his veins, splintering his bones apart as it raced up and down his spine. Pain pain pain pain pain pain. It didn’t end, just built upon itself. And oh, how it hurt. It was dizzying, and mind numbing. It spun his brain in circles, made him forget his own name. And all the while padfoot, wormtail and prongs sat with him until he wasn’t him anymore, but moony instead.
The night was fantastic. Wild, feral, and freeing, they roamed the grounds. They knew the forest now like the back of their hands. It was theirs, and they raced through it, learning every rock, leaf, and branch in their path. It was exhilarating and wonderful being alive with the marauders.
Moony and padfoot tumbled down empty riverbeds, learning the way stones felt pressed against fur. Wormtail rode aloft in prongs' antlers, jumping from one to the other. They were young, and free and careless on those nights.
Moony felt alive and happy in such moments, running through the pines and racing down windy hills. And when Remus would recollect them later, he did too.