Chapter 2
Regulus loved James Potter since he was eleven, and hated him for the same amount of time. It had happened in an instant. Regulus had been watching Sirius and his friends from across the hall, hoping he’d look up. Hoping that he’d smile at him like he did when they were at home. But it wasn’t Sirius who noticed Regulus’s gaze, it had been James. James Potter, the boy Sirius couldn't stop talking about. He had glanced upwards briefly, and then paused, flashing a quick grin at Regulus’ already flushed face.
He’d noticed James before, of course he had. He’d taken his brother away, he was the person Regulus had tried to be for Sirius for eleven years. But before that moment Regulus hadn’t really noticed just how pretty James Potter was. And he was pretty, painfully so. The light had caught his black curls, softening them to a dark brown that matched his eyes. And his smile. It had stopped Regulus in his tracks, it had. The pure joy and kindness and sunshine in the smile was unlike anything Regulus had ever seen. And that’s when Regulus fell, that’s when he began to hate James in earnest. For stealing his brother and his heart, the two things he thought he had.
…
Regulus was late to class for the second time this week. To be fair, it hadn’t been his fault this time. His idiotic friends had thought it would be funny to hide his homework, so he’d re-written a two page essay on the Fidelius charm in a half an hour. And as soon as Regulus had finished, Barty and Evan, the prats, had given him back the other one. Now, he was hurrying down the hall, clutching two poorly written essays, and swearing to himself that he would kill Barty and Evan by the end of the day. Regulus rounded the corner hurriedly, and found himself head to head with none other than James Potter. He sighed. God, could this day get any worse?
James was gripping a piece of blank parchment in one hand, and his wand in the other. When he saw Regulus, his eyes widened in surprise.
“Oh. We meet again.” He grinned, his features softening. And Regulus hated him and Regulus loved him. He pushed down both emotions, settling his face into its mask of emptiness once again.
“You’re in my way, Potter.” Regulus said, pushing past him.
“I thought we agreed last time it’s James. And I wanted to thank you. You know, for checking in. It was… kind, and I appreciate it. Also, I wanted to ask you something,” James said, following Regulus, who was steadily increasing his pace.
“No.”
James blinked, “You don’t even know the question yet, so you can’t say no. That’s just not logical.”
Regulus paused, turning to face James, “Potter. I am late to class, and you’re not helping. I can say no to a question I don’t know, and I just did.” He turned once more, and continued walking, praying James wouldn’t follow him. Praying he would. Regulus didn’t know what he wanted. He never had.
James proceeded to follow him once again. “It's James. And no, you can’t. You don’t have to answer, but at least let me ask!”
Regulus turned again, “Fine, James. What do you want?”
James smiled triumphantly. He took a breath and then asked so quickly that Regulus could barely follow what he was saying, “Why did you stay?”
Regulus faltered. He hadn’t been expecting that.
“I’ve always wondered. Sirius misses you, you know. I know he does. He would’ve taken you with him, if he could’ve. And don’t tell me you actually like that family, I know there’s no way that’s true. They’re awful to you, and you know it. So why did you stay?” James asked, his brows knitted together in confusion, and maybe even concern. Concern for Regulus? Since when did he care?
Regulus turned away. He began to walk, and this time James did not follow. Before he was out of ear shot he said quietly, but loud enough that James can hear, “Because I had to.”
It was true. He had to, but he didn't expect James of all people to understand. Regulus had to be the heir to the noble house of Black. And he hated it, but he needed to. For his family. Needed to not be the disappointment that his brother was. What Sirius hadn't understood, or maybe he had and simply not cared, was that when he'd left, he'd made sure that Regulus could never do the same.
…
James was not obsessed. He was just interested, that was all. Ever since his run in with Regulus he constantly checked the Marauders map for his name. But it wasn’t an obsession per say, no he was just making sure Regulus was safe. Safe from what, James did not know. Okay so yeah, maybe James was a tiny bit obsessed.
So far, James had found that Regulus liked to be alone a lot. He tended to leave lunch early, preferring the solitude of an empty classroom. He’d wake up early to go on long strolls through the grounds that lasted at least an hour or two. Nearly every night Regulus could be found in the library with a girl named Pandora, and sometimes Dorcas, presumably studying.
This one had surprised James, but Regulus frequently visited the kitchens in between class periods. James had been to the kitchens quite a few times to gather food for parties, or snacks for long summer days, but he’d never spent hours there like Regulus did. He desperately wanted to find out what Regulus did there. Did he enjoy baking? Were the house elves his friends? Both possibilities seemed far-fetched, but who was James without his imagination?
His friends had noticed his sudden obsession with the marauders map, and had become curious to why. One day, after an Herbology lesson, James was caught staring, once again, at the map.
“Mate, I know it’s wonderful magic, but surely you’ve memorized the bloody paper by now?” Sirius asked, slinging an arm around James’s shoulders.
“Just checking. You never know when an opportunity will present itself, my friend,” James said, grinning. He hadn’t told Sirius about either of his encounters with Regulus. The time was just never right. He would, though. Soon.
Sirius looked skeptical, but pressed him no further. Peter seemed oblivious to his friend's new found obsession. Remus, on the other, definitely noticed something was up. He didn’t question James, though, just gave him knowing glances whenever he was caught staring at the map.
One night, after sneaking back from a prank involving water balloons, stinksap, and a levitation charm, James found himself unable to sleep. It happened frequently now. His mind just didn’t shut off, no matter what he did. Usually he would end up going on long walks to clear his mind. The marauders were used to James’ nighttime strolls, and none of them awoke when he slipped out of bed and padded out the door that night. Before James left, he stuffed the invisibility cloak and the map into his pockets.
James paused in the common room to check the marauders map. Filch was in his office with Mrs. Norris, and the halls were clear. Before he put the map away, James couldn’t help but check for Regulus’ name. But he wasn’t in his dorm with the names Evan Rosier and Barty Crouch Jr. In fact, as James scanned the parchment, it seemed like Regulus wasn’t on the map at all. He was just about to give up when he found Regulus’ name in the astronomy tower.
Oh, so there you are, James thinks. And yes, he knows he shouldn’t. It’s Sirius’ brother. His brother that he doesn’t talk to. His brother that stayed in that house, stayed when Sirius left. Stayed and broke Sirius’ heart. But he does. He leaves the common room, and goes to the astronomy tower. The thing is, James has never been very good at doing the things he's supposed to.
…
Regulus loved to stargaze. He has ever since he was young. He and Sirius used to sit on the roof and look at the stars together, even though if they’d been caught they’d have been in so much trouble. But they did it anyway, and Sirius’ courage had made Regulus feel stronger.
Now, Regulus came to the astronomy tower when he couldn’t sleep and he looked at the stars. It made him feel small, like his problems didn’t matter. He’d told Sirius that, once. Sirius had laughed and said, But you’re not small, Reggie. You’re a star, you’re looking down on us all. I am too. He’d pointed at Canis Major, and then to Leo, which had been just visible in late July. Sirius always had a way of making him feel less alone. Or at least, he had. Now he made Regulus feel more alone than ever.
Regulus looked up at the vastness of the sky, its black edges tinged with deep blue. He loved it up here.
Suddenly Regulus startled as he heard the distinct sound of footsteps. Shit, he thought, shit, shit, shit. Before he could do anything, the door opened. And oh, it wasn't Filch or a teacher. No, it was James Potter.
Regulus stared. What the fuck was he doing up here? He shifted his features into their regular cold blankness, waiting for James to speak.
“Hello.” James said, grinning slightly, “Stargazing are we?”
Regulus frowned. “This is not a we situation. What are you doing here Potter? It’s nearly midnight.”
James, the bastard, just laughed. He took a few steps closer to Regulus, angling his head towards the sky. “That’s your star, right? Up there, near the Big Dipper?”
“Yes. But you didn’t answer my question.”
“I couldn’t sleep. It’s a nice star, yours is.” James said, turning to smile at Regulus. Oh, that smile. Fuck him, and his beautiful smile.
“How do you even know which one it is?” Regulus couldn’t help but ask.
James leaned on the stone railing, “Your brother told me. He likes looking at the stars too, you know.”
Regulus blinked in surprise. “Oh.”
James continued to stare at the sky as he asked, “So, what are you doing up here?”
“Couldn’t sleep.” Regulus said, echoing James.
“And trekking halfway across the castle is a better solution than, say, a sleeping potion?” James looked over at Regulus, his eyes dancing with mischief.
“Yes, it’s a much better solution. And I could say the same about you.” Regulus had to resist the smile that tugged on his lips. Oh, how he hated James Potter. Why was he so bloody beautiful? It really was a bit unfair.
“I don’t really like sleeping potions. They make me feel too hazy. I need to be my sharpest. Where do you think this lightning fast wit comes from?”
Regulus sighed. “James. I know I made the mistake of being nice to you, but why must you torment me about it? Just leave. You and I both know Sirius won’t like you hanging around his traitor of a brother.” It was true, but it hurt. It still fucking hurt.
James looked surprised. He tugged a hand through his hair and sighed, “Yeah, I know. I just… I’d like some company right now. If I really bother you that much, I’ll leave.”
Regulus swallowed. He couldn’t bring himself to tell James to go. “Just. Just don’t talk. And don’t grin at me like that,” Regulus said. James quickly wiped the smile off his face, and mimed locking his lips and throwing away the key.
Regulus sat down a good distance away from James, turning his gaze towards the sky once more. James sat down too, closer than Regulus would’ve liked. He leaned against the stone and rested his head in his arms, gaze fixed on Regulus. Regulus pretended he didn’t notice, and neither one of them spoke until hours later.
Sometime around two, James stood. “Goodbye, Reg. Thanks for letting me sit.” James said, quickly slipping out the door.
Reg. He’d called him Reg. Oh. Regulus quickly hid his smile, turning his eyes towards Canis Major’s bright silvery glow. James Potter was going to be the death of him.