You’re Not Alone
Remus stared at his reflection in the mirror. He tried a smile. No, too gummy. He tried another smile, more like a grin. No, too lopsided. He tried to just wipe his expression blank. He looked like himself. He figured that was best.
He felt himself buzz with excitement as he showered. He tried to make his hair not too crazy, but not too flat, just right. He wore a plain t shirt and dark blue jeans. He tried not to look over the top. He tried to look simple. He tried to be himself, though he had no idea of who he was.
The sun was bright, blinding him. He could already make out three figures in the distance. He sped up, realising that they must be waiting for him. They sat under a willow tree, Remus’s favourite.
He loved how the sun didn’t completely shine through the branches and leaves. He loved how just slight glimpses of it were let in. He loved how it wrapped around him, how it made him feel safe. He loved how the leaves moved in the breeze, and how the wood looked as if it had been sculpted by hand.
He moved through the branches, his feet walking on sticks and making the slightest noise. As he did, the two brothers looked up to him. He could see lips curling into a smile. Lily was very much in another world, humming lightly as she flipped through a book.
Remus scanned the scene. He looked at the patterns of Lily’s skirt. He looked at shorter curls against the tree trunk.
Then, he looked at silver eyes. Not grey, not blue. Silver. Like the silver that wrapped around his fingers. The colour of his rings, the intricate patterns on them, were the waves and thunder that swarmed in Sirius’ eyes. His voice was the sound of the sea hitting the shore, brushing against the sand. Rain droplets racing down the window, thunder crashing, lighting in the sky. There was a deathly fierceness in them, but the stare he had was something else.
Remus had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming when he looked at him. He wasn’t the kind of beautiful that words can describe. He was the kind of beautiful that poets write poetry about. The kind of beautiful that singers sing about. The kind of beautiful that painters paint. The kind of beautiful that sculptors sculpt. The kind of beautiful that downtown boys fall for. The kind of beautiful that left Remus enchanted.
Remus had never quite understood what authors meant when they wrote about someone’s eyes lighting up. He’d always thought that eyes stayed the same. The little changes in the colour were all an illusion. He never thought that the stars could be ripped from the sky and melted into someone’s eyes.
Sirius proved him wrong.
“Remus, finally.” Lily got up to greet him, swinging her arms around his neck and pulling him in.
“Sorry.” Remus felt the tips of his ears burn as Sirius flashed him a grin.
“No worries.”
“Well, ready to go lads! Me and Reg want to check out the bookshop, so we better get moving before it gets too bloody crowded.” Lily said enthusiastically.
After the carnival, the day before, they had decided to meet again. They planned to go into town to take Sirius and Regulus on a tour of the city. Remus knew Sirius would’ve loved all the markets. He would’ve loved seeing all of the scenery. He would’ve loved flipping through records, and walking down the crowded London roads.
They had to walk all the way, but it was quite nice. Before they got into the centre of town, the streets were lonely and grey, but then there were colour bursts and people all around.
Sirius walked next to Remus, lightly humming a tune that Remus felt he knew but couldn’t quite recognise. He always felt that with Sirius. Like a part of him already knew him.
Sirius shuffled closer to him, Remus pretended to not notice but he could help it. Their hands brushed against each other, so gently that Remus could barely feel it. But, he could feel jolts of excitement, and a sting. An ache in his chest, an open wound that had been bleeding for so long.
Remus felt as if he had been starved for his whole life. And Sirius was crumbs of bread. The first thing he could feed off after so long of never having anything. After so long of being alone in a world of lies and pain, Sirius looked like the truth. He felt like the truth. Remus wondered if he tasted like the truth.
The golden sun made Sirius’s skin glow. Remus remembered reading a book about vampires, he remembered how it said that their skin sparkled in the sun. Remus wondered if Sirius was a vampire, with his pale skin and dark hair. He couldn’t help but imagine Sirius wearing a long cloak, blood dripping from his mouth, sharp teeth and white slender neck.
“You from London, then?” Sirius asked him.
“Me? Oh, no. I was born in Scotland, my dad’s from there.”
“Oh, cool.” Was all he said. Remus was afraid that he had done something wrong to earn himself a short response, but his thoughts were cut short by Sirius’s voice.
“I’ve always wanted to go to Scotland.”
“It’s nice. There’s not much to do, but it’s nice.”
They fell into comfortable silence, Lily and Regulus were in front of them, Lily going on and on about anything that crossed her mind.
They walked through crowded streets and loud chatter, they crossed busy roads and strolled in parks.
Sirius made Remus try on some obnoxiously big sun glasses and a bright red jacket. Remus took Sirius to see the Trident Studios.
“Look.”
“Holy shit.”
“Queen recorded here. The Beatles too. And Bowie”
“D’you think we can get in?”
“Nah, I tried that once.”
“What?” Sirius chuckled and god, was that sound beautiful.
“I did. I swear I saw Freddie Mercury smoke in there. Although I was a bit drunk, so I might be wrong”
They laughed, they laughed so much. And with that laughter the sun began to dim and the sparkles on Sirius’s skin were dropped into his eyes.
They went to the cinema, there was a screening of The Wizard Of Oz and Lily insisted on watching it. They sat in front of the screen and Remus had an idea.
“You fancy getting out of here?”
“Uh- sure?”
“Great.” He took Sirius by his arm and lead him to the back of the building. They ran down empty roads, the smell of smoke and beer and the sound of music from the pubs around them. His hand was still wrapped around Sirius’s arm the whole way
“That was fun.” Sirius said as they stopped running like mad men and slowed down, stumbling down the streets
“Mh mh.”
“I haven’t felt so free in ages.”
“Really?” Remus hadn’t expected that. Sirius Black seemed so joyful and unstoppable. A force. Free.
“Not since I was a little kid.”
“What?”
“I’m busy, you know? I don’t have a lot of time.”
“You’re busy?”
“I’m on a very strict schedule. My days are all planned out. I get up in the morning, breakfast, math tutor, Latin tutor, lunch. Skating lesson, tennis lesson, sometimes both. Italian tutor, piano lesson and then I eat dinner. And after dinner I do my best to avoid my family and then I- I catch up on some reading.”
“Wow. Sounds like the road to success.” Remus admitted
“You bet. My father’s making me apply to all these colleges. Sorbonne, that’s the one we want.”
“Who’s we?”
“What?”
“You said the ones that we want.”
“Oh, mother and father. They decide everything.”
“Everything?”
“No, not everything, the important things, yes.”
“And everything else you get to decide by yourself?” Remus mocked him
“Oh, shut it.” Sirius laughed and gave him a slap on the arm
“I’m sorry. M’just trying to figure out what you do for fun.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean.. You’ve got to do all those other things, what do you do ‘cause you want to?”
“I just told you.”
“I don’t know, I just thought..”
“What?”
“I just always figured you were kind of..”
“Kind of what?” Sirius demanded, his hands on his hips.
“Just.. free.”
“What?”
“Free.”
“I am free.” Sirius said like he didn’t even believe it himself.
“You don’t seem like it.”
“Well, I am.”
“Come here I want to show you something.”
“God, what are you doing?”
“Just come on.”
“You’re gonna get run over.”
“By all the cars.” Remus gestured to the empty roads and dark nights sky.
He lay down flat on the street. It was cold, really cold. But Remus’s whole body felt boiling with a heat he had never felt before.
“My Dad and I used to come out here. Lay down and watch the lights change. Watch them go from green to red to yellow. You could try it if you wanted to.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t.. could you just get up?” Sirius asked
“That’s your problem you know that? You don’t do what you want.”
“Okay.”
After a moment of silence Sirius was lying next to him. His fingers were slowly reaching for Remus’s hand. Remus struggled to breathe in the anticipation of Sirius’s silver rings to touch his skin.
“What happens if a car comes?” Sirius whispered, but it was audible that a smile covered his face
“We die.”
“What?”
“Just relax, Just trust. You need to learn how to trust.”
“Okay”
More silence passed between them but eventually Sirius’s voice broke through.
“Guitar.”
“What?”
“You asked me what I do for me. I love to play guitar.”
“Yeah? Huh.”
“You know at my house it’s always so silent. I hate it. But guitars, they make noise. They’re not like the piano, you know? That makes noise too but guitar, guitar is loud. It’s strong and powerful.”
Sirius looked at him and if Remus just moved his face a little closer, their lips could meet and he could twist his fingers in Sirius’s long hair. He could feel the heat of Sirius’s body in his hands and finally know what he tasted like.
A loud honk made Sirius shriek and quickly Remus pulled them both to their feet, rushing to get Sirius on the pavement.
Remus was ready to comfort Sirius, god he must’ve scared him. It was such a stupid idea to do this.
But Sirius didn’t need to be comforted, Sirius was hysterically laughing.
“Are you okay? Why are you laughing?”
“Oh, that was fun!”
Remus watched Sirius laugh for long minutes until he built up the courage to ask a question.
“Do you want to dance with me?”
“Sure.”
Remus took Sirius’s cold hands and warmed them. He lead them back onto the road, and began to move gently, Sirius’s body following him. It was a strange feeling, having Sirius’s hands in his own, but be felt so bare without those long white fingers intertwining with his own. It was a strange thing, he found himself always awaiting for the moment that they would touch again, and when they did he felt his breath hitch. And not in the way that it does when one feels something similar to terror, no, it was the anticipation, the excitement, all mixed together. He hoped he could name that feeling, one day.
“Now? Here? We’re not supposed to dance in the middle of the street.”
“Yes we can.”
“But we don’t have any music.”
“Well, we’ll make some”
Oh no, love, you’re not alone
No matter what or who you’ve been
No matter when or where you’ve seen it
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I’ve had my share, now I’ll help you with the pain
You’re not alone
Remus whispered and Sirius joined him. Their voices mixing together, making the sting in Remus’s chest grow stronger.
“You’re not a very good singer.”
“I know.”
“Oh I’m only joking, but I like this song.”
They danced, Sirius’s body pressed against his own. His head buried in Remus’s neck. Their hands intertwined. Their body’s went together perfectly, like they had been made to fit together.
Remus’s heart was racing faster than ever even though their movements were slow and tender. He wanted to live in that moment forever. He wanted the feeling of Sirius’s dark curls, tickling his neck, forever. He wanted Sirius to hold his hands and wrap his arms around his neck and dance until the sun appeared again and the moon left once more.