Wings
After that night, Remus was tortured. Tormented, cursed, haunted by the sound of Sirius’s voice. He spent every waking moment with him, or thinking of him. Even while he dreamed he hoped to see Sirius in the foggy mist. He hoped they could talk for hours on end, never having to stop. He hoped they could lay in cream coloured sheets, not a thought crossing their mind.
But, Remus was also confused. He had never felt something so strong and restless. Something ready to devour all it could, to hold it, keep it for itself. It was protective and constantly growing.
But it was also sweet. It felt like his mother’s kisses. It felt like fingertips drawing patterns on his back. It felt gentle and innocent. It tenderly held his hand and made him happy. It really made him happy.
He hoped that what he felt had a name. He hoped that one day he would be able to put his finger on it, to finally understand what it was.
It couldn’t be a casualty that the universe kept him tied to Sirius, could it?
So he walked down empty streets hoping to find an answer in the eyes of little kids that ran freely, or cats that fed off anything they could find. Days passed in that way and finally something new occupied Remus’s mind.
“Remus! Listen, on the 25th it’s Regulus’s birthday. We have got to organise something for him!” Lily ran towards him, looking like the frazzled woman that she was.
“Like.. a party?” Remus suggested.
“Yes like a party! I don’t know, do you want him to have his first bloody holy communion on his birthday?”
“Gee, ok, a party.”
“Honestly I was thinking at the pub. He needs to let loose a little, god we may even see James.” Ah, James who hadn’t made an apperence for weeks, buried under the pack of Indian aunties that were currently conquering his home.
“Keen to see, Potter, are you?” Remus knocked his hip next to Lily’s and Lily hit him back even harder, making him stumble to the road.
“My god you are insufferable. I just want them to meet! Just think of it, James and Sirius would actually be the prank masters. And speaking of Sirius, you notice how pretty his hair is?”
“Jesus, Lily! I thought this was meant to be about Regulus?” Remus said even though he knew that the redness on his face, after only hearing Sirius’s name, had just turned three shades darker
“Well, yes. He could be friends with James too, couldn’t he? And that doesn’t mean that we can’t talk about you making eyes at Sirius.. ”
“I don’t make eyes at anyone! And I’m sure that if I can handle James, Regulus won’t mind him too much.”
“Great! It’s settled then! You, me, in two days at the pub at 5.00.”
“At 5.00?” Remus asked, “why so early?”
“Bring decorations!”
And with that bright red hair bolted away and Remus was left wondering where the hell he would buy some balloons.
~
The crimson coloured walls were adorned with banisters that read ‘happy birthday regulus’. Of course the letters at the end of Regulus’s name were smaller and more cramped, because leave it up to Marlene to make accurate proportions.
Other than the lopsided and strangely shaped letters, the pub truly looked amazing. The warm lights shined, together with bright neon colours. Luckily, Remus had been able to find balloons, even though they were pink and purple, they would just have to do.
Loud footsteps echoed and Remus didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. Even from where he was, facing the wall and sticking a cardboard sign that read ‘happy birthday’ (it was much more precise because Lily made it and it was common knowledge that Lily Evans was a perfectionist) he recognised the sound of his shoes. Of course, he never changed his shoes, his bright red converse.
“Pupi!” James wailed and Remus desperately hated that nickname.
James hadn’t forgotten about it, from that day at 12 years old. Honestly, the story was quite unfortunate, and so felt Remus, still maintaining that nickname after five years.
It wasn’t funny in the slightest, but his friends loved making fun of him for it.
It had all started when one sunny summer day, they had all gone camping. Of course this had been James’s idea, with him being the ‘master and conqueror of nature’ all with the hopes of leaving Lily impressed.
They were in a forest near the beach, and for the life of himself Remus couldn’t remember the name, but to his horror he could remember exactly what happened.
He still didn’t know how their parents had allowed a group of rabid twelve year olds to stay in the forest, but somehow they did. They weren’t entirely alone, because Effie and Monty were just in the tents next to them. Though it seemed that they were up to ‘very personal matters’ as they had referred to the sounds coming from their tents the morning after.
That left them with the liberty to run through trees and play hide n seek. Looking back on it, Remus realised how dangerous it was, but he did have fun. They were all having fun, climbing up trees and shining bright torches in each others faces.
All was going well, until Remus, the genius himself, muttered some incoherent words. He was slightly disassociated by what he had seen, or what he thought he had seen. It was something that moved through the leaves, slowly creeping up on him.
He remembered the way his lip trembled as that creature slowly came towards him, as it slowly poked its claws in his flesh. He saw that creature a lot in his nightmares, and his mum would tickle him gently on his stomach. But then, when the nightmares came again, no one tickled his stomach to make it go away.
He then remembered James shaking him, trying to get something out of him. Whether it was a simple ‘I’m scared’ James Potter would’ve gone to all measures to make sure that whatever had scared him would perish from the face of the world. And that’s what Remus loved about James.
But Remus didn’t ask for help or explain. All he could say was a mix of horrible words that haunted him to this day.
“I have to go poopy.”
But really, who could blame him? He had eaten so many beans on toast, and that creature really scared the life out of him. It wasn’t his fault that he was constipated.
After remembering that not very pleasant memory, Remus returned to the real world, were James had his hand placed firmly on his shoulder.
“You good?”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s just that nickname, brings back memories that are a bit uh-”
“Constipated?”
And on queue, James burst out laughing at the face Remus knew he was making. That torn up and mushed face.
“I love you pupi, you know that?”
“Yes, yes I know. Love you too uh- James the sixth and first?”
“Creative, that one, I must say.”
Remus gave him a pointed look and James put his hands up in surrender.
“So, it’s the posh French lad’s birthday, and you’ re putting up all that frilly stuff for him?” James demanded looking around to see all of Remus’s hard work.
“It’s his sixteenth birthday James, he’s my friend, of course I’ll put up all of this ‘frilly stuff’ up for him.”
Other than fawning over Sirius, Remus had actually grown to really like Regulus’s presence. It all happened during a cloudy morning, when a figure that resembled Sirius was moving around him.
Remus had to squint to make out his face, to spot the short dark curls and impeccable posture.
“Regulus?” Remus asked, walking towards him. He must’ve startled the boy, because he jumped and turned around, looking ready to threaten Remus to death.
“Oh, Remus, hello.”
“Hi.”
They fell into step and stayed silent for a while, Regulus was clearly trying to do something, or go somewhere, and he had been caught by Remus.
“What you up to?”
“Nothing.” Regulus said, pronouncing every letter in that accent of his. Remus could tell that he was hiding something, he could see underneath the mask that Regulus was so clearly wearing.
“You sure?”
“Definitely.”
“You got any plans?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s good. I’m headed to meet Lily, we have this sort of- uh- book club? I guess?”
“That’s nice.”
“We’re reading Nietzsche right now, I was wondering if you would want to join us?”
Regulus came to an abrupt halt and after a minute he turned and scanned Remus.
“Really?”
“Of course. We need new members anyway, basically no one comes in the summer. It’s just me and Lils.”
“Ok, then.” It was clear that Regulus was trying to wipe his face of any excitement or emotion in general, but Remus hadn’t missed the way his hands twitched and the smile that slowly formed on his face.
“What a good mate, you are, pupi.” Remus was back to staring at James and not thinking of his encounter with Regulus.
“James I swear to god I will hang you with one of these ‘frilly things’”
“No! Do that to the French lad! I’m just a poor boy! “ James began running around tables and chairs as Remus began following him, moving swiftly.
“Oh, haha, and let me guess, nobody loves you?”
“Yes! I’m a poor boy form a poor family and nobody in this big world loves me! Show me some affection my dear Pupi!”
“Jame Fleamont Potter. Stop running around like a madman before I kick your ass out!” Came Arthur Weasley’s strong voice, that was still playful and kind.
“Sorry Arthur!” James called back and stopped running restlessly in the pub, and started helping Remus.
“So, how is sweet auntie Maitreyi doing?”
“Ah, same old, same old. She still makes that mean curry though. Spiciest shit I’ve ever tried.”
“Remember when Pete would try it and his face would just turn fully red?”
“God, yes! Happy days, innit?”
“Happy days.”
Remus hadn’t seen Peter since last summer. He had lived in London all his childhood, until his parents chose to move back to Germany when Peter was 9 years old.
Remus and Peter had been pretty good friends, but Remus knew that it was James and Marlene that missed him more than anything. They all lived on the same street, they had Wednesday lunch at the Potter’s house and played in Peter’s garden. Marlene’s house was strictly off limits due to her two older brothers, Marley and Mark, who would blow the house up if other kids came over.
Overall, Remus knew that the bond they had was strong, and no matter the distance it couldn’t be broken. He still remembered Marlene crying the day Peter left, and James making him swear by a lifelong oath.
Happy days.
A few hours passed, and with sore fingers and legs, Remus was proud of his doing. James had helped out, but nonetheless, Remus was very proud of himself.
Regulus and sirius would be walking through the wood door any second now, and Remus was cramped behind a table next to Lily, ready to jump up and wish Regulus a happy birthday.
Minutes passed and still no one came through the door.
“Marls, are you sure you told Sirius to come?” Lily questioned.
“Yes, I remember telling him! I’m not schizophrenic Lily! Although my great great grandmother did say she could hear voices, so actually..”
The door creaked open and four bodies all jumped up, a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’s followed from everyone apart from James. James, instead, had decided on a ‘Happy Birthday posh french lad who I don’t even know’ but for whatever reason, the words hadn’t left his mouth.
James looked quite stunned upon the arrival of the two brothers, Regulus’s hair was neatly combed and somehow a smile was on the boy’s face.
Sirius had an even bigger smile, though every inch of it, was directed to Remus. He was looking right at him, his shiny teeth and perfect pink lips stared at him even from a distance.
They quickly began with the drinking games and rounds upon rounds of ‘never have I ever’. With it getting later, the pub began to become even more packed, with bodies all flooding the small building. He could see big smiles on everyone’s face, and Remus felt the most genuine feeling of happiness as he saw Regulus laugh. He saw a boy who was usually so closed and dull, finally open up, to reveal that he had wings that were powerful. He revealed that he could fly, and not be stopped. And Remus had never felt such happiness for a person. Not for himself, ever.
Seeing Regulus dance and sing, seeing him drink even, it made him look more alive. His usual corpse like skin was starting to gain colour and his eyes, they weren’t cold, they were inviting with the warmth of a sweet home.
Then, as he continued watching the scene of James giving a piggy back to Regulus, suddenly he heard his name being chanted.
It was a constant on and on of ‘Remus, Remus, Remus’ and it was joyful and alive. He turned to see Mary that waved at him from the other side of the room. She was sitting elegantly on the piano, and next to her was Sirius. Sirius who was beautiful.
“Come on, Remus! Play us a song!” Mary called out to him.
Remus moved through the sea of bodies until he reached the brown wooden piano, motioning for Mary and Sirius to move away, and they did. He sat on the stool, his hands were shaking, and he could feel himself sweat a little.
But the moment he lifted the piano case all uneasy feelings left his body and his fingers were ready to dance on the ebony and ivory of the piano keys.
He wondered which song he should play, he was thinking of something easy, but something that smettere a message. Something that made him think of Sirius.
His mouth and fingers were moving before he had even decided the song, the title just crossed his mind, and he went along with it.
He pressed heavy cords on the surface and he heard Sirius gasp as he recognised the song. He could feel Sirius’s heat all around him, he wanted to be wrapped up in it.
People stared, at the makeup on his face
Laughed at his long black hair
His animal grace
The boy in the bright blue jeans
Jumped up in the stage
Lady Stradust sang songs of darkness and disgrace
As the words left his mouth, all he could think about was how Bowie must’ve written this song for Sirius and Sirius only. How the lyrics matched him perfectly and the sound of Sirius’s voice when he sang along.
And the song talked about singing all night long, and that was what Remus wanted to do. That’s where he wanted to be, always there. He promised himself that he’d never let the happy moments of the 25th of June 1977 slip away, ever.
And then the song talked about longing for someone, and having to remember the memories, and Remus hoped he’d never have to do that. He hoped he would never have to wait for Sirius’s return, he hoped he could keep on making memories with him, forever.
The song ended but the crowd wanted more, so Remus gave them more, until eventually with an excuse about ‘sore fingers’ he was able to slip away.
His voice was getting raspy and his throat was hurting, nothing that a little beer can’t cure. He returned to Regulus, two beers gripped tightly in his hand.
“Having fun then?”
“You guys are crazy!”
“It’s bollocks princess, here you say bollocks not crazy.” Came James who was wearing a hot pink feather boa, and was looking most definitely high.
“Oh, Pupi! Hand me that beer.”
“Pupi? What’s Pupi?”
“Oh my god! He doesn’t know about Pupi! So it all started when Pupi here..”
Remus just scoffed and left James to explain the ‘very hilarious story’ of a traumatising event for him. He left one of the beers on an empty table and began to sip from the one in his grip. With every sip he shot a look at Sirius, who belted out lyrics on lyrics. Sirius who, whatever he was doing, always looked devastatingly beautiful.
The pub was colourful and loud, and Remus knew that Sirius liked loud. But in that moment Remus wished, that just for a second, Sirius liked silence. That maybe he would like the silence of his thumb brushing against Remus’s knuckles. Maybe he would like the silence of feelings that were too loud.
Though, Remus thought, that Sirius would never like that kind of silence. He’d never accept the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. He’d like the silence before the thunder came crashing, the anticipation. He’d like the excitement and thrill not the somber night and tender eyes.
But Remus liked that. He liked the emptiness of crowded emotions and the quiet of loud thoughts. Maybe what he had to do was show Sirius. Show how silence wasn’t scary, you just had to face it. He had to learn that silence was loud, too. Silence screamed and wailed and felt, silence definitely felt a lot.
So, Remus ignored the heavy pulsing sound all around him and focused on the black haired figure, that drank and moved. Remus almost felt bad, taking him away from a place that was so clearly his own, but at the same time he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind stealing Sirius and keeping him all for himself. Hiding him away from the loudness of the world and keeping him in the quiet of his room.
But he could not do that. Sirius deserved to show his wings and be proud of them. God, his wings were so beautiful. Graceful and angelic, true and pure, just like him.
And Remus wasn’t any of that. He didn’t have any wings. He pretended to be free, he pretended he could fly high in the sky, but he couldn’t. All he could do was watch as Sirius danced.
Remus had hope, though. That maybe one day he would grow his own wings.
So, he moved through the swaying bodies and silver eyes met his own. Come with me, Remus wanted to scream. Stupid and idiotic. Selfish, he was, but he wanted. He truly wanted, so for once he would allow himself to have.
And then he remembered the way his mother read to him every night before bed. All of the stories of people wanting to be the best and have the best, and he remembered one particular frase.
“ ‘Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing’ Sylvia Plath said that, Remus. And remember it, don’t be too greedy in life, don’t be greedy with all that doesn’t truly matter. Be greedy with what you love. Now sleep, honey.”
He tried to recall the delicate nature of her touch and the way he gently fell into it. He tried to recall the colour of her hair and the way it looked. He tried to recall the plain and soft fabric of her clothes. He tried, he really tried, to recall the exact shade of her eyes and the way that they always looked so dull, empty.
Remus wondered, and desperately hoped, that his mother had been greedy with what she loved. That she had gotten the chance to love, that her time hadn’t been too short. He hoped that he wasn’t the reason she never got all the love she deserved.
And as much as he loved his mother, he didn’t want her life, so he would be greedy.
Greedy, with what he loved
“Remus!” Sirius’s smile seemed to widen ten times more and the stars in his eyes sparkled as brightly as his name.
“I want to show you a place.” He felt the warm of Sirius’s arm and placed it in his hand, guiding him through the crowd, not a second thought running through his mind.
His fingers were placed tightly around him, not wanting to loosen his grip, not wanting to let go. People were probably calling out his name but all he could hear was the loud beating of his heart and Sirius’s chuckles behind him.
Remus opened the big wooden door and they were let out into the night sky. Stars blinked and the moon was big and Sirius pulled him towards his body, dancing in the moonlight like they had done days before.
“Dans la sombre, nos corps animé lentement”
Remus had no idea of what Sirius had said, with his thick pronunciation, but he knew that it sounded beautiful. And Remus wanted that. He wanted to be greedy.
Greedy, with what he loved.
And he was heartbroken to break the way that their bodies had been swaying for the past minutes. But he put Sirius’s cold hand, that hadn’t the same heat as his body, in his own, and he could feel the weight of freedom on his back. The way it wasn’t exactly heavy, it was more like a relief, knowing that it was Sirius that made him feel so free.
He could picture Sirius flying in the sky and resting on the first quarter moon. He could picture his wings and his naked white feathers. He could picture the grace with which he moved and the way he sang Remus’s name to the stars. He had hope to one day see Sirius like that, but his touch was one thing that hadn’t the need to picture.
His touch was like a warm cup of tea, comforting his insides but simultaneously it made something in him scream. It made that part of him want Sirius whole, good and bad.
He lead Sirius through the somber night, the stars being the only guide through the darkness. He led him to a place that he knew Sirius would love.
It was a big house that the kids in the neighbourhood had a habit of calling ‘the shrieking shack’. Everyone thought that it was haunted, monsters and ghosts lived in it, but Remus liked it. It was like a home to him. But the real reason he lead Sirius to this house, was not to show him the damaged wood or floor that was falling apart, it was to show him the stars.
The tower behind the house was tall, it looked even more imposing at night, but Remus guided Sirius to run up all the steps, until they got to the very top.
They sat next to each other, clinging onto the metal bars of the building.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Yeah, yeah it is.”
“Do you think- it’s a stupid thought, really- but do you think that the stars are maybe.. bored?”
“Bored?”
“Yes, bored. I mean, they’re constantly burning and burning, I think it gets a bit tiring.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“I know what it’s like to burn. I don’t like it.”
“What d’you mean?”
“My family. They make me burn. I burn when I play the piano, but not like you, you burn because you have passion, I burn because I hate it. I burn when I study maths, which I couldn’t care less about, what I want to do something else, but I keep doing it to please my family. So I keep on burning, and it goes on and on like cycle. And I can’t stop it. I want to stop it but I can’t.”
“Sirius..”
“And I know you’ll think I’m mad, and that what I say doesn’t make sense. But it’s true. I burn for so much, I burn for everything I hate and I don’t have the chance to burn for what I love. I can’t burn for guitar, for art, for bloody rock n roll and I can’t burn for y-“
Sirius cut himself off and just stared at his hands that fidgeted in his lap. Remus took both of them and warmed them, once more.
“Je brûle pour toi. J'ai peur de ne jamais avoir l'occasion de te le faire savoir.”
Whatever Sirius had said, Remus hoped that one day he would know. All he could think about was when Dostoevsij wrote ‘Your hand is cold, mine burns like fire. How blind you are, Nastenka!”
He hoped that what he was living with Sirius weren’t just white nights of dreams and emotions. He hoped that the white nights wouldn’t turn into white lies like they did for his parents.
Sirius turned to look at him, with his eyes watering and trembling lip.
“Je me perds dans tes yeux.” His voice cracked somewhere in the middle of that sentence, and to anyone those were just other meaningless words, but to Remus they were more important than any kind of freedom he could ever have. Remus leaned closer to Sirius, tucking a strand of raven curls behind his ear, and falling in love a million times again with his eyes.
Greedy, very greedy, with what he loved.