Uptown Boy

It was barely the summer of ‘77 and it was raining. It was just June and rain was usual in London.

But Remus loved the rain. It reminded him of the rainy days he spent during his first years of life, in Scotland. Back when he would climb into his mum’s lap and she would sing sweet melodies to him. She’d sing along to anything that popped onto the radio, wether it was Elvis Presley or The Beatles she wouldn’t care. She was so used to spending her days in that way, that she had memorised all of the lyrics.

Remus remembered his parents slow dancing to Bob Dylan. He missed that. He missed that when instead of dance in that romantic way they would scream and shout at each other. He still remembered the sounds of glass shattering and his mother’s muffled sobs. He remembered his father coming home at night, sad and drunk.

He remembered how none of that happened in front of him. How his parents tried their best to hide it. How he had to peek through the door, while he was meant to be asleep, to actually witness it. How his mother would take a walk everyday and not let him join her, trying to hide her smoking habit. How his dad would make up so many stupid excuses.

And then, he remembered having pancakes on Saturday mornings and making pizzas on Tuesday evenings. He remembered watching black and white movies on the small tv his father had found near the bin. He remembered laughing as if nothing was wrong. As if his mother wasn’t slowly slipping away.

He looked out the window and the rain had stopped. He snuck out of the front door, able not to wake up his father after doing so for so many years.

He headed down the path that he had memorised, he could already see the bright lights of the carnival. The only exciting thing about the whole area that he lived in, apart from his nights at the pub, was that. The carnival. He had arranged to meet Marlene for a while before going to see all the rides and devouring all the cotton candy he could get his hands on.

“Hey Lupin!” Marlene screamed and ran towards him, pulling him into a… friendly hug? It was probably more than that. Because Marlene had been so much more than just a friend. She had been his best friend, before Remus had any friends at all.

“Hey, McKinnon.” He hung onto Marlene as her blond hair got in his mouth. He was already used to that, with her being just a tad shorter than him.

“God, it feels like forever that I haven’t seen you.”

“Marlene, you saw me two nights ago.”
when Remus was playing the piano at the pub. Actually he couldn’t remember much, his memories were always sort of muddled up.

Remus had to go through various memories of the whole night, dancing, playing piano, getting drunk to forget those memories, dancing some more and then slamming the piano case shut.

“I know, but still. It just feels so long since it’s been the two of us.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Remus tried to recall the last time they had gone on one of their long walks, where they’d talk for hours and hours, about anything. About everything.

Remus remembered the fear of not being accepted, he remembered the fear of never having anyone like him to talk to. But then, Marlene came along.

Marlene was sunshine even on the rainy days, dark red lipstick, outgoing and loud. So, so different from Remus.

He didn’t know how he was capable of making such a show out of himself. Nothing about him was interesting enough for people to actually like him. He imagined it was the alcohol that made him so different from his true self. He was only a star when he played, then he just went back to being the boy who brought a book everywhere he went. The one who always gave chocolate to little kids. The one who was actually quite shy but kind. That’s who he wanted to be, kind. Just like his mother had taught him.

“Remus, you still with me?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry- what did you say?”

“Well, you know Dorcas Meadows?”

“…yes.”

“And you know how she’s really, really pretty? Like gorgeous?”

“I- I guess?”

“She’s going to come tonight. To the carnival. How do I look? I wasn’t sure about wearing this shirt, what do you think? Does it make me look too much like my mother? God, I hope not, that would be a nightmare.”

“You’re beautiful, Marls.” He always made sure to tell people that. He loved seeming how their eyes softened and a smile grew on their lips. He loved how gentle and tender people could truly be.

“Remus Lupin, who would compliment me if I hadn’t had you?”

“I’m positive that one day you’ll find a girl that will compliment you.”

“Jesus, you wanker, you’re going to make me cry.”

Marlene clung onto Remus’s jumper while he was lost in a completely different world. Sometimes he felt like his mind wasn’t completely there. Like his body was living but he just wasn’t. Like he wouldn’t remember anything of what he had been doing in that moment. Like his mind was elsewhere. Like he was watching his body do things, wake up, eat, sleep but he wasn’t really doing it. He wasn’t there.

Neon flashes of light brought him back to reality. All around were rides of all kinds. The big ferris wheel caught his eye, like it always did.

Marlene was still going on about Dorcas until she took a sharp breath and gave Remus a slight slap at the face.

“Remus!” She shrieked

“Ouch- what was that for?”

“Oh my god. I’ve seen Dorcas.”

“Congrats” Remus said drily, rubbing his hand on his sore cheek

“And I’ve got good news for you too.”

“What is it?”

“You like black hair don’t you? Oh, I bet you like leather jackets.” Marlene grinned and Remus still felt quite lost about what she was talking about.

“I honestly wasn’t thinking of dyeing my hair black, marls.”

“Not you, you bimbo! Look over there.” She pointed her finger at someone. It took Remus a moment to understand who she was referring to, but when he did he felt his heart beat race a little.

Just a few meters away, was the most stunning human that Remus had ever seen. No, stunning wasn’t the word. No word would ever define that smile accurately enough. You see, Remus was never one to judge based on one’s looks, but in that moment, he felt his head spin.

Black hair was flying around. Laughter and smiles were all that could be heard over the music. He was driving one of those go-karts that Remus was actually terrified of, but he was so natural at it. It was as if his body had been made to fit in that structure, and his hands to grip that steering wheel. His eyes were made to shine and his mouth was made to let out sweet sounds.

He had no idea if he should think of him as a boy or a man. He couldn’t have been much older than Remus, but he still looked much more elegant. Even if he wore a leather jacket and black leather boots, it was evident from his posture that he must’ve been wealthy. Definitely wealthier than Remus would ever be.

He had high cheekbones and pale skin. Lips that were of the perfect pinkish colour. His features were so sharp, like his nose or his jawline. Sharp enough that it felt like a spear had been thrown right in Remus’s heart. He was squinting, trying to look at his face better. Trying to analyse every single detail. His eyebrows were dark, just like his hair that curled at the tips. He wasn’t really tall, but not short either, just the right height for Remus to wrap his arms around him.

Then, Remus focused some more. He looked at his eyes. His eyes that were of a colour Remus had already seen. A colour that he remembered from so long ago. A colour that he had already learned all about, one that he had already loved.

“Oh, you do like that.” Marlene laughed at him “I suggest you shoot your shot.”

“He’s clearly not gay.” And as Remus said that, the boy? Man? Remus still hadn’t decided, left the racing cars and leaned on a booth that sold popcorn. He was talking to a girl that Remus couldn’t quite recognise, she had long brown hair, but still that didn’t ring a bell. Only then, he noticed the boy that was walking next to him.

He too, had similar dark hair, but the eyes were slightly different. Also the features were different. He looked a lot younger, though he probably wasn’t since he was quite tall. His eyes looked tired, and Remus knew what that felt like, even if he knew nothing of that boy.

“Make friends, Remus. I’m going to talk to Dorcas.”

“Fine.”

“Good luck, babe.”

“Marlene, don’t you babe m-“ Remus began to say but Marlene was no longer standing next to him. She was now heading towards a girl with dark skin and matching eyes. Braided hair that was very, very long.

Remus had to admit that Dorcas was quite pretty. He had no idea of what ‘pretty’ really meant. What do you have to look like to be pretty? Remus had always wanted to be pretty, he just didn’t know how. To him it seemed that everyone around him was pretty. Not just pretty. Something more, something deeper than that. He wanted to know everything about a person, not just that they were pretty. He wanted to know every time they laughed and every time they cried. He wanted to see that happen. He wanted to know their favourite ice cream flavour or their favourite band. He wanted to know what they wanted to do as kids. What their dreams were and what they are now.

Remus sometimes hated people. He was surrounded by hate for so long. Hate in from other people and hate in himself. He hated life for so long that love, beauty and passion, seemed so far away.

But, Remus could sense something in those dark curls. He could see something behind those eyes.

So, Remus sucked up his pride, and made his way to the booth where the raven haired boys were. He supposed they must be brothers. So raven haired brothers, would do.

He was surprised to see, that when he walked to the booth, it was Lily that greeted him.

“Remus, honest to god, where have you been? We’ve missed you.” Lily pulled him into a hug. She was wearing a long purple skirt and short sleeve shirt. As always, she did look quite pretty. Lily really was a different kind of pretty. It was rare for someone to have that, but she did. She saw beauty in everyone but herself, so Remus made sure to let her know that she too, was beautiful.

Has he pulled away from the hug, he turned to see the raven haired brothers. They truly were stunning.

“Ah, Remus, this is Sirius.” She directed him towards the older boy. Remus felt the tips of his ears immediately turn crimson at the grin that Sirius flashed him.

“Wait.. so Sirius like the bloody star? Do your parents hate you?” Remus brought a hand over his mouth as he just realised what he had said. He always got weird when he was nervous. He couldn’t handle small talk, or talking in general. For saying that he got a smack on the arm from Lily.

“I’m actually so sorry and that was such and awful thing to say.” He began to apologise but was shocked to see the boy dissolving in a fit of laughter.

Sirius was laughing, completely folded over himself. Hands clutching his stomach. The boy next to him seemed to be enjoying himself too.

“By a matter of fact, my parents do despise me. I’m sorry, but that was just hilarious. Oh,he’s Regulus by the way. And wait until you hear our middle names.”

Sirius laughed and laughed, and Remus couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m sorry what was your name?” Sirius asked him

“S’Remus.”

“Streemuz?”

And that got a genuine laugh out of Remus. He could feel himself truly laugh for the first time in a while. It wasn’t a fake laugh, it wasn’t a forced one. It was pure and true.

“Remus.” Lily corrected again. Remus’s eyes wandered over to the ferris wheel. He remembered sitting next to his mum on one of those, back when the carnival would go to Scotland, too.

“Fancy going on the ferris wheel?” He asked Lily, who was clinging onto his jumper just like Marlene had.

“Yes!” She looked around “I’ve just got to wait until Alice comes and takes over the booth. I can’t really leave it like this.”

“D’you mind if me and Reg join you and your girlfriend?” Sirius asked Remus

Remus felt himself choke even though he wasn’t eating or drinking anything.

“Girlfriend? Oh, hell no. I’m sorry Lils, I love you, but I could never do that to James.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know.”

“I feel like you guys would love James.” Lily was now taking to the brothers.

“God, you’re right.” Remus joined into the conversation.

Lily and Sirius kept on talking until Remus noticed Regulus search for something in his book bag. Remus had a way of noticing details, so when he saw the boy pull out a book he felt himself smile, once again. It was as if those brothers had done something to him. Something magical, like they had cast a spell on him. He just couldn’t stop smiling.

“Are you reading ‘crime and punishment’?”

Regulus took a moment to realise that the question was directed to him, but when he did Remus swore he saw something in his eyes light up.

“I- yes. Yes. Dostoevkij is one of my favourite authors.”

“Mine too! I keep telling Lily that she should read ‘white nights’ but she keeps refusing.”

“That is not true. I might try it out.”

Remus looked at her shocked, but then Alice appeared and they were good to go.

They got in line for the ferris wheel and somehow Remus happened to fall into step with Sirius. Lily and Regulus already seemed to be getting along, Lily was very clearly going on and on about her favourite authors like Charlotte Brontë and Virginia Woolf.

“You’ve got an accent.” Remus pointed out

“I do.”

“Are you French?”

“I am.”

“That’s cool.”

“It has it’s perks” Sirius shrugged

“But it is pretty cool. You can read so much poetry without needing to translate it. Honestly I’d never stop reading Victor Hugo’s poems if I was capable of understanding a single word of French. I mean, it must be so special to read it in the original language. It’s like your let into the poet’s personal world. Every single word is there for a reason, it’s all phrased in a particular way. I’d love to be able to analyse poetry like that. Sorry, I’m babbling.”

“No, don’t apologise. I love you.”

Remus stared at Sirius with a questioning look. He knew his face was burning up. He knew he was probably embarrassing himself. He didn’t care.

“I mean I love how you are. I love how you talk and all. Not like love-love.” Sirius stuttered and Remus saw his face turn red for only a second.

Remus just nodded and for a moment he let himself believe that those words were true.

They got in the ferris wheel and of course it was the two of them, sitting next to each other.

Their knees were slightly touching but neither of them moved, they just looked at the sky that had gotten dark. All the stars shined so brightly and Sirius’s eyes looked even more beautiful as they were lit by the moon.

“The stars are beautiful.”

Remus looked directly at a star in the sky, though he’d much rather be looking at the one next to him. He was always so mesmerised by a certain star. One that was much more brighter than the others.

“I think the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” Sirius turned and looked at Remus right in the eye.

“Yeah, yeah it is.”

Sirius chuckled lightly for minutes that seemed to pass as seconds, a sound that soothed Remus. He had no idea who he was, or how he had found himself in his life but he knew that he didn’t mind. He was so familiar. Remus was sure that he must’ve known him in another life, because something about his smell, about his laugh, about his stare, was something that he had already known before. It made him remember his own childish giggles and the way his mother would hold him and whisper sweet things into his ears. Remus had no idea why Sirius brought those memories back to him, but he felt familiar. He felt safe and warm. He felt like home.

Maybe Remus was just making assumptions, but whoever that boy was, Remus could tell by the look in his eye, that he wouldn’t be getting rid of him any time soon.