Chapter 1
Regulus Black was born to skate. At the age of three, he was dragged onto the ice by his mother, who laced up his tiny skates and told him he would make history. Regulus didn’t understand how hard that would be.
He skated alongside his older brother, Sirius. Sirius Black, who was raised in a family lacking any sense of joy or love, who managed to plaster a bright smile onto his face every day to make Regulus feel a little less alone.
Regulus thought they were inseparable. Regulus was wrong. When he turned ten, everything began to change.
—
Regulus tries to ignore the holes burning into the back of his head by his mother’s eyes. He glides along the ice and jumps.
”If you believe that was even a mediocre jump at best, you are incredibly mistaken. Again.”
Regulus forces his eyes to not roll to the back of his head. He listens. He jumps again.
“Again, Regulus.”
He obeys. Jumps again.
”That was better,” Walburga says, sounding the smallest bit pleased. “Again.”
Again.
”We strive for perfection, Regulus. Do better.”
Again.
“Better.”
Again.
”Again.”
”Again.
”Again.”
”Again.”
”Again.”
”Again.”
Regulus feels something snap as he hits the ground hard. He winces in pain as he pulls his left foot towards his body.
”Get up, Regulus,” his mother demands.
”I can’t.”
Regulus hears her let out a heavy sigh as she skates toward him. The sound of her blades cutting through ice echo through his body. She leans forward, hooks a hand under his arm, and yanks him up, ignoring the pained yelp that comes from his mouth.
“You’re hurting me,” Regulus tells her, tears fogging his vision.
“Do not cry, Regulus,” is all she says to him. Regulus swears he feels her grip him tighter.
Regulus can’t help it. He lets the tears roll down his face, unable to control himself.
”You are a sorry excuse for a son, Regulus.” She whispers to him. Regulus wants to curl up on the ice and let it freeze him to death.
She brings them to the bleachers and lets go, wiping her hands on her shirt. A cruel gesture that makes Regulus feel like nothing but dirt.
“What happened?” Sirius asks as he exits the locker room, spotting Regulus’ pained face.
”He’s being dramatic,” Walburga scoffs, shaking her head.
Sirius ignores her as he crouches down in front of Regulus.
”Hey,” he whispers, holding his hands out to cup his face. “What happened?”
”My foot,” he winces. “I think I broke it.”
That statement sounds so ridiculous to their mother that she turns around angrily, crossing her arms to her chest.
”Okay, let me see. Take off your skates.”
Regulus winces as he unlaces his skates, letting Sirius gently pull them off. Sirius gently takes his foot into his hands and observes it for a long while. It hurts like Hell, and Regulus has to fight to not pull away. He can see the imprint of a bone sticking out from his black sock and he feels sick.
”Yeah,” Sirius says calmly as he sets Regulus’ foot back down. “It’s broken. We need to go to the hospital.”
“There’s no need for the hospital,” their mother denies. “He’s being dramatic. We’ll ice it at home and he’ll be fine the next day.”
”Look at his foot!” Sirius shouts, pointing at his obviously broken foot. “It’s broken!”
Walburga pointedly does not look down at his foot. She has a weird, evil staring contest with Sirius for a moment before she rolls her eyes and turns on her heel.
“Let’s go.” She says, walking away.
Sirius rushes to help Regulus stand up, hooking his arm under his shoulder and lifting him up.
“She’s evil,” Sirius whispers as they trail behind her slowly.
—
Regulus’ foot is in fact, broken. Much to his mother’s dismay, he can’t skate.
”Do you understand how much that useless trip has cost us?” Walburga says angrily. Regulus can’t see her face but he knows her eyebrows are furrowed and her lip is curled up in a nasty expression.
”Don’t act like we can’t afford it,” Sirius argues from the backseat next to Regulus.
“Quiet, Sirius.” Their mother demands, glaring at him in the rear view mirror.
Sirius doesn’t hide his eye roll, but he listens. He sits with Regulus in silence until they arrive at their house, helping him inside. Walburga says nothing to them, just slowly ascends the large staircase and disappears.
”No dinner tonight, then.” Sirius says out loud. “Fucking brilliant.”
”I’m sorry,” Regulus whispers once they ascend the stairs and reach his bedroom.
Sirius’ head snaps up from where he’s rummaging through Regulus’ dresser for clothes. “What?”
”I’m sorry.” Regulus repeats through tears.
Sirius sets down the clothes on Regulus’ bed and walks over to where he’s standing in front of the door on two crutches. “Regulus, look at me. This is not your fault.”
”But I-“
”No, Regulus.” Sirius interrupts, putting his hands on his shoulders. “This is not your fault. Do not blame yourself for this. She’s too harsh on you. On us.”
Regulus sniffles and Sirius gives him a pained look. He helps Regulus change into comfortable clothes and helps him into his bed. Sirius lays beside him on top of the dark green duvet. The sun has set and the lights are off, leaving them in complete darkness.
”One day, I’m going to get out of here.” Sirius whispers after a long minute of silence. “And I’m taking you with me.”
”Where will we go?”
“Wherever you want. Someplace safe and warm. Where we can be ourselves and not pretend to be someone we’re not.”
Sirius hasn’t outwardly told Regulus he’s gay, but Regulus isn’t blind. At school, he notices the way he stares at his friend, Remus, whenever they’re together. Regulus wants Sirius to live freely. To be his wild, overly confident, cocky self with people who love him because he is the way that he is. As long as they’re in this house, they’re trapped living lives that they don’t want to live.
”I have more faith in you than I do in myself.” Regulus admits. He feels Sirius turn his head to look at him, but he refuses to do the same.
”Why?”
”You’re stronger than me. Smarter. More talented. People like you.”
”People like you, too.”
”Only because they have to.”
“You’re such a depressing person, Reg, jeez.” Sirius says after a moment.
“I have a depressing life.”
”Well, when you win a gold medal in the Olympics I’m sure you won’t feel that way anymore.”
Regulus scoffs. “I’m years away from being good enough for the Olympics. I just broke my foot, for God’s sake.”
”I’m just saying,” Sirius starts. “You’re incredibly talented, Regulus. It’s just hard for you to believe that because of our family. Because of mom.”
”I’m scared I’ll turn out like her.”
”What, evil and completely miserable?” Sirius says, and Regulus can hear the smile in his voice.
”Yeah, that.” Regulus agrees, smiling softly.
”You’ll never be evil. Or completely miserable, not if I can help it. You’re a great person, Reg.”
“Am I?”
Sirius clicks his tongue and sighs. “Let’s not talk about this right now.”
”When can we talk about it?”
Sirius shrugs. “In three years. When you hit puberty, maybe you’ll be a little less full of thoughts on the verge of an existential crisis, and more full of thoughts about girls.”
”Ew, no, not girls.” Regulus says, shaking his head. He doesn’t mean for it to come out in the way that it does, but it does.”
”Boys?” Sirius questions.
”I don’t know.”
Sirius clicks his tongue again. “Give it three years,” he says with a smile. “Goodnight, Reg.”
Regulus doesn’t respond. He closes his eyes and tries to sleep, but he can’t. All he can do is think. Think about random things that have no value to his life. Think about his mom, his dad, his brother, himself. Think about the future. The Olympics. If he’ll ever be good enough for the Olympics. If he’ll ever be good enough for anything. For anyone.
Regulus falls asleep when the sun rises.