Chapter 2
Regulus thought his training would become less intense after breaking his foot last year. He was incredibly wrong. For the past five months, Regulus has been training nonstop. He spends seven hours on the ice every day, waking up at four in the morning to begin his practice. His mother barely gives him any time to breathe, only letting him stop when he has to eat.
Needless to say, Regulus is fucking exhausted. Which is exactly why he collapses on the ice as soon as his mother walks away to take a very important phone call.
”Jesus Christ,” he says as he lays down on the ice. He rubs his hands over his face and tries to ignore the throbbing sensation spreading through his entire body. If he could fall asleep right there on the cooling ice, he would. All he does is sleep and skate, it would make everything so much easier if he just slept at the rink.
A door slamming shut snaps Regulus back into reality, and he gets up as quickly as possible, smoothing down his now messy hair.
”Relax, it’s just me.” A familiar voice tells him as they round the corner.
It’s Sirius. His black curls reach past his shoulders now, styled in the way their parents absolutely hate. Regulus wonders if he likes his hair, or grows it out just to spite their mother.
”Hey,” Regulus greets him quietly, skating around the rink once before he stops by his brother.
Sirius looks him up and down. ”You look like shit,” he tells him.
”It’s that obvious?”
”How long have you been here?”
Regulus takes a second to think. “Five hours.”
Sirius’ eyes widen and he scoffs. “That’s fucking insane. Five hours on a Sunday?”
Since Sirius quit ice skating a month after Regulus broke his foot, he now plays Hockey, despite the reluctance of their parents. They argued about it for a long time, but when Sirius threatened to run away and tarnish the Black family name, they shut up and let him play.
Now, he spends all of his time with a certain James Potter. James was the reason Sirius wanted to play hockey, and Regulus breaking his foot was the catalyst to make him quit skating. It feels like a betrayal of some kind to Regulus. Regulus feels more alone than ever. His brother spends days on end at James’ house, even on weekdays. Regulus is stuck with his parents four out of seven days a week. He sees Sirius more at the rink than he does in their own home.
”I’ve got another two hours,” Regulus tells him, as if the five hour practice wasn’t already insane to him.
”What the fuck?” Sirius asks. He’s taken up swearing, a lot.
”Does that surprise you?” Regulus asks him, picking at his fingers.
Sirius shakes his head. “Not at all. It’s just fucked up.”
“If you didn’t quit, you’d be suffering with me,” Regulus tells him. A small frown appears on Sirius’ face. Regulus wants to scream at him for quitting, but he has no reason to. Sirius had every right to quit. In fact, Regulus is honestly jealous of his brother. He’s so unaffected by his parents, so much so that he does whatever he wants and ignore any punishment that their parents try to give him. He’s reckless and stupid, but incredibly brave.
”I had to quit, Reg,” Sirius says softly. “I don’t think you understand that yet.”
”Will I ever?”
Sirius smiles. “Probably not,” he admits. “Don’t let me quitting stop you from skating. It’s clear you love it.”
”Yeah, I do,” Regulus agrees. “I would love it more if you were doing it with me.”
Sirius clicks his tongue and thinks for a moment. He nods his head and sets his bag down on the bleachers and begins putting his skates on.
”What are you doing?”
”We don’t start practice until you’re done, but why not warm up early?” Sirius tells him, bending over to lace up his skates. “I can’t really do anything tricks now, because my skates are different, but I can give you some company.”
”Mother won’t let you,” Regulus tells him, even though his heart is racing with excitement.
”When has she ever stopped me?” Sirius asks with a bright smile on his face. He stands up and enters the ice, holding out a hand for Regulus to take.
He takes his brother’s hand and they skate together in silence for a while. The sounds of their blades slicing through ice calms him, and he finally gives himself a moment to breathe freely.
“You know, I think you’d like my friends,” Sirius tells him after a while.
“You think so?”
”Yeah,” Sirius nods. “Some of them are a little intense, but you’ve lived with me your entire life so I’m sure you’re used to intense.”
”Our whole family is intense.”
”True.” Sirius agrees. “But my friends are a good intense.” A pause. “And they’d like you.”
Regulus finds that hard to believe. He finds it hard to believe that anybody likes him, including his brother.
”So, how’s Hockey?” Regulus asks after landing an axel. He finds it difficult to stand–or skate still, he has to be doing something constantly to prevent the pit in his stomach from forming.
The smile that overtake Sirius’ face is blinding. Regulus hasn’t seen him smile like that in years. “It’s fucking amazing, Reggie. Seriously, it’s like my favorite thing ever.”
“That’s good.” Regulus responds as he circles around him.
”You have to come to one of our games!” Sirius exclaims. “You’d love it.”
”I’ll love it if someone gets in a fight. Hockey fights are brutal.”
Sirius laughs. “Nobody gets into fights. At least, not yet. I’m sure people will start fighting as we get older. Give it two years.”
Regulus forgets his age sometimes. He feels years older than he actually is. He feels like a thirty year old stuck in an eleven year old’s body. His childhood lacked the usual sense of carelessness and curiosity most people’s childhoods were full of. Sirius is only thirteen, but Regulus sees him as someone much older, much wiser than who he actually is.
“Then I’ll go to a game in two years,” Regulus jokes. It’s meant to be funny, but they both know it’s the truth. Regulus is fully under Walburga’s control, and he’s not brave enough to escape it.
”You really should come to a game. We have one next Friday, can you go then?”
”I’ll talk to mother,” Regulus tells him, “whenever she’s not in a terrible mood.”
“Good luck with that. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile, or not frown.”
“I think her face is stuck in a permanent frown.”
Sirius laughs and nods. “Probably.”
The door opens and Walburga walks inside, her posture perfect and her hair slicked back impossibly tight into a bun. Regulus immediately puts some distance between him and his brother, and he notices the frown that takes over Sirius’ face when he moves.
”What are you two doing?” She asks.
Regulus opens up his mouth to apologize, but Sirius interrupts him. “Spending time with each other, because we actually like each other,” he tells her. There’s a hint of anger in his voice that he doesn’t hide.
Walburga takes a deep breath. “You’ve done enough talking. Regulus, it’s time to get back to practicing. Sirius…” She pauses, looking him up and down with a disgusted face. “go do whatever it is you do.”
”I think I’m going to watch, actually,” Sirius tells her, turning to Regulus and winking. “I won’t bother you.”
”I highly doubt that.” Walburga responds as he exits the ice. She glares at him as he walks past her and up the bleachers, taking a seat at the very top.
”You’re bloody brilliant, Regulus!” Sirius yells down at him. “Never forget that.”
Regulus bites his lip to stop his grin from forming. He thinks back to the day he broke his foot, when they laid in his bed and Sirius told him they would leave together one day. The idea of leaving their house, leaving their family, and living the lives they dream of has always been something he thought was impossible to achieve. With Sirius, things don’t seem so difficult.
The music starts and Regulus gets into place, lifting his arms up in the air and looking up at the ceiling. He executes his routine flawlessly, landing every jump and perfecting his spins. He barely acknowledges his mother’s presence, focusing on his brother, up in the stands, watching him with a big smile on his face. He knows he’s really good, and so does his mother. But, she manages to find the smallest imperfections in everything he does as an excuse to push him to his absolute limit. Sirius just watches, and afterwards he sprints down the stairs and throws himself into Regulus’ arms, telling him how amazing he is.
”That was perfect!” He shouts as he shakes Regulus’ shoulders. “Like, Olympic level skill!”
”You think so?”
“I know so. You’re amazing, Regulus.”
”That’s enough, Sirius.” Their mother snaps. “He’s far from amazing.”
Regulus feels the familiar sense of dread flood his body. It doesn’t matter how good he is, it’s never good enough. Placing first in every competition he’s ever done isn’t good enough for his mother. Nothing is good enough for her.
“You’re a piece of shit.” Sirius tells her. Regulus’ head snaps up and he expects his mother to be angry. He waits for the sharp smack against Sirius’ cheek, but it never comes.
She simply sighs. “I am his coach, it’s my job to criticize him.”
”You’re his mother,” Sirius spits. “Don’t you think that’s more important?”
”You don’t understand what important is, Sirius.”
”Bullshit. You treat Regulus like a lab rat, not like your son. You force him to do all of this shit over and over and over again until it literally breaks him and you don’t even give him a minute to rest! Can’t you see how exhausted he is?”
Regulus looks to his brother, then to his mother. He has nothing to say. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. Nothing will come out of his mouth.
”If Regulus needs a break,” Walburga starts, her cold, dead eyes piercing his. “He will tell me. Is that true, Regulus? Are you that weak? You need a break but you’re too afraid to ask me?”
Her tone is teasing. She thinks it’s all a game. She thinks it’s fun to torture him.
“Answer me, Regulus.” Walburga demands, grabbing his jaw. Her fingers burn into his skin.
”Don’t touch-“
”Answer me. Are you weak?”
Regulus swallows hard. Tears well in his eyes but he can’t cry. He’s not allowed to cry. Tears are weakness.
“No, mother.” He responds quietly, his voice breaking.
”I didn’t think so.” She yanks her hand away from his jaw and wipes it on her long, black skirt. She does it when she’s mad to make Regulus feel like nothing but dirt under her shoe. It works.
“We’re done for today.” She tells him, turning on her heel and walking away. She doesn’t bother to talk to him after practices, she gets in the car and waits for him.
“Regulus, I-“
”Please don’t.”
Sirius closes his mouth and nods. Regulus sits down, feeling defeated. He lied to his mother. He is weak. He needs a break. He needs to stop competing, to stop skating altogether. There’s no joy in what he does anymore. His routines are soulless, void of any passion. And yet he always ends up with the highest score, in first place, endless amounts of praise from the judges and people around him.
“You can stay,” Sirius says to him. “You should stay. Watch us practice, and we can go home together. James’ dad will take us.”
”I can’t, Sirius. You know I can’t.”
”But you could-“
”Sirius, I can’t.” Regulus snaps, looking up at him. “I’m not like you, okay? I’m not brave or funny or confident enough to stand up for myself like you are. I’m weak.”
”Regulus…” Sirius whispers. Regulus has to look away, he can’t stand the look on his brother’s face.
“I just can’t, Sirius, okay?”
”Okay.” Sirius responds. He sounds incredibly sad, and Regulus wants to hurt himself for causing that sadness.
Regulus walks away without another word and gets into the car. His mother gives him the classic silent treatment for the duration of their hour long car ride. Regulus’ spends the hour staring out the window, feeling like a failure. He can’t make his mother happy and he can’t make Sirius happy. His mom is right, he is weak.
—
It gets easier to hurt Sirius after that. He becomes cold and distant towards Sirius, locking himself in his room as soon as they get home from school or from practice. He stops speaking altogether, letting Sirius do all the talking. He doesn’t try to defend himself against his mother, who calls him useless and weak when he messes up. Who forces him to repeat the same move over and over until it’s perfect every time.
So, Regulus stops messing up. He spends more time on the ice than he ever has. In the morning before school, he practices his jumps off the ice in his bedroom. After school, he asks his mother to take him straight to the rink and she gives a small, barely there, satisfied smile. He skates until he burns, and then keeps skating.
His mother negotiates with Fleamont and Euphemia Potter until they agree to section off the rink for three hours Monday-Friday for Regulus, and seven hours on the weekends. It helps that she offers them a large amount of money. Regulus wakes up at four on the weekends, skates from five to noon, trains off the ice to get stronger and more flexible, and does it all over again. It’s an endless, torturous cycle. But it’s all worth when his mother tells him she’s proud of him.
”For a long time I was afraid you would turn out like your brother,” she tells him as he extends his leg onto the bleacher and leans forward, stretching his leg.
Regulus closes his eyes and inhales deeply, mentally wincing at the mention of his brother. He hasn’t spoken to Sirius in over a week. Sirius stopped trying to talk to him.
“Your brother is a very passionate person, full of energy and incredibly driven.” For a moment, he thinks his mother is going to compliment Sirius for the first time ever. “But he’s incredibly foolish. So much talent wasted on a ridiculous sport.” Of course, the insult is disguised as a compliment.
Regulus sets his right leg and does the same stretch with his left. Sometimes he’s reminded of his injury when he lands a jump and sharp pains shoot up his foot. He pretends it doesn’t happen, which will probably come back to bite him in the ass later, but he has other things to worry about.
”I’m glad you understand how important this is to me. To us.”
”What is?”
”Sirius has greatly disappointed us all. You haven’t. You understand what’s at stake. You make me proud, Regulus.”
He stops stretching, letting his arms fall limp to his sides. He turns his head to look at Walburga, who is already looking at him with a pleased look on her face.
”We have a long way to go yet,” she starts, standing up and adjusting her dress. “But I have faith that you will do us all proud.”
Regulus can’t stop the smile that forms on his face. He feels giddy and on top of the world, like he can do absolutely anything. The urge to throw his arms around her and hug her tight is so strong he has to dig his fingernails into the palms of his hands.
”I will, I promise.” Regulus tells her.
“I know you will.” She responds, extending her hand to ruffle his hair slightly. This is the first time in a long, long, long time he’s felt loved by his mother.
Regulus flies through his routine five times flawlessly, each time more perfect than the last. Every chance he gets to look at his mother he does, relishing in the praise from earlier. Her usual cold, emotionless face is changed into something resembling a slight smile. Her face is relaxed, and she doesn’t seem so uptight.
After practice, she offers to take them to dinner. Just the two of them, eating together at a nice restaurant, something they’ve never done before. He chooses a family-owned Italian restaurant, and although they look incredibly out of place among the casually dressed people around them, Regulus feels confident.
“How are you feeling about your routine for this competition?” She asks him, setting her cup down.
Surprised, he’s raises his eyebrows. “I feel good. I think my jumps are strong and my spins are good. I’m not worried.”
”Of course you’re not. There’s no doubt in my mind that you won’t place first.”
Regulus laughs and shrugs. “When do I not?”
”How very humble,” she jokes, smiling again. Regulus hasn’t seen her smile this much in his entire life. That’s the first time he’s ever heard her crack a joke.
”I get it from my mom,” he responds, looking at her.
“Yes, you do.”
Their food comes and they eat in a comfortable silence. Well, Regulus eats. Walburga picks at her plate and takes a maximum of five bites. Regulus watches as she twirls a noodle around her fork and then sets it down, picking up her glass of water and taking a large drink. In the warm glow of the stained glass hanging lights, she looks young.
Regulus realizes he doesn’t even know how old she is. He knows she’s younger than most woman with children the ages of thirteen and eleven, but he has never thought to ask her. He thinks it would offend her, so he opts to stare at her face. In the harsh lighting of the rink and the dim lighting of their home, she always looks like she’s in pain. Her eyebrows are furrowed and her lips are a tight, pink line on her face. Here, however, she looks relaxed. The lines on her forehead disappear and her lips are a beautiful shade of pink. Her pale skin doesn’t look so unnatural anymore. Regulus thinks she looks like a ghost sometimes. But here, she’s just a woman; just a girl. He wonders what her dreams were when she was younger. If she dreamed of becoming a professional figure skater then a coach, or if her dreams were completely different.
Did she want to be a veterinarian? Or an astronaut? Or a career that doesn’t even exist, just something she liked to do? Did she scribble on construction paper with crayons and give it to her dad to hang up on the fridge? Was her childhood warm and welcoming? Or was it soulless and cold like his own? Was she always like this? Or did she used to be happy?
After they eat, they walk around town for a bit. People stare, whispering about his mother and how she never goes outside. He realizes he’s not the only one who thought she was a ghost. This is the first time he’s ever been able to walk around their small town freely, staring through the windows of countless shops at the sight of a cool looking toy, or a bookstore that seems to be completely endless.
His mother notices the way he looks at the bookstore. So, she takes his hand in hers and walks them inside.
”You’ve been good, Regulus.” She tells him with a hand on his shoulder. “You can get whatever you want.”
Regulus looks up at her with wide eyes. “Seriously?”
She nods once. “Yes. Go explore, find me when you’re ready to leave.”
Regulus doesn’t hold back his grin and he takes off into the store. Every shelf is filled to the brim with every book imaginable, stacked so high that there are step stools littered around the store for people to reach the highest point.
He wanders through the aisles, holding his hand out to run his fingers along the spines of the books. Nothing has caught his eye, and as much as he’d like to buy every single book here, and he knows he’d be able to, he wants to be careful with what he chooses. If Sirius was here, he’d buy as many ridiculous books as possible just to make his mom mad. He wouldn’t read them, either, he’d just let them collect dust.
Regulus stops at the horror aisle. There’s a set of books at the end of the last shelf that grabs his attention. He walks over to it and grabs the set, pulling it out and holding it in his hands.
”Interview with The Vampire,” he whispers to himself. He likes vampires. He smiles softly and clutches the collection in his arms and goes to find his mother.
When he finds her, she’s staring at a section of shelves titled “Queer Fiction.”
”I found my books,” he tells her, startling her out of her trance.
”Perfect.” She says, turning to him. They walk towards the checkout counter, but not before she quickly grabs a book from the shelf and clutches it to her chest. “Ready to go home?”
”Mhm,” he nods.
There’s a woven basket filled with lollipop at the counter, and Regulus eyes them. His mouth nudges him and mouths ‘get one’ to him. He smiles and digs through the basket as the nice old woman scans their books. He settles on a grape flavored one, and slides the candy towards the stack of books. The woman takes it and playfully winks at him, and he gives her a shy smile.
—
Regulus spends the rest of the day reading his new books. His mother tucks her book into her purse and tells his father about Regulus’ purchase, not hers.
After dinner, Regulus goes back to his room to continue reading. His eyes are glued to the pages and he can’t bring himself to stop reading despite his exhaustion kicking in. After about half an hour of nonstop reading, he gets a knock on his door.
”Regulus?” His brother’s voice is muffled.
”Come in,” Regulus responds, not getting up from his bed.
The door opens and Sirius stands in the doorway. He shuts the door behind him and takes a seat at the end of Regulus’ bed.
”Hi,” he says softly.
”Hey,” Regulus says.
“I hear you and mother spent some quality time together today?”
Regulus smiles and nods. “Yeah, we did. It was really fun. She bought me the entire set of Interview with The Vampire books. I think you would love them.”
Sirius looks at him for a moment like he’s debating on whether he should speak or not. He sighs heavily and turns to fully face him.
”You know she’s manipulating you, right?”
“What?”
Sirius nods like it’s obvious. “Why else would she take you to do all of those things?”
”Because she likes me?” Regulus retorts.
“She did the same thing to me before I called out her bullshit.”
Regulus is fed up with his brother’s insistence on their mom being a terrible person. ”What bullshit, Sirius?”
“She’s horrible to you one day and then nice the next. You think she’s going to stay that way forever but tomorrow she’s going to be just as evil as she was yesterday!”
”I don’t believe you.”
”You don’t have to believe me, Regulus. You’ll see it for yourself tomorrow when she pushes you to your absolute limit.”
”You’re just trying to push me away from her.”
”I’m trying to protect.”
”I don’t need your protection, Sirius!” He yells, slamming his book shut. Sirius flinches, jumping back.
“You’re only eleven years old, Regulus.” Sirius says with a frown. “And I’m your older brother. It’s in my blood to protect you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
”I won’t.” Regulus says through gritted teeth. “Go away, Sirius.”
Sirius doesn’t argue. He looks at Regulus for a moment, an indescribable look in his eyes. Then, he turns around and leaves his room, shutting the door behind him.
Regulus is no longer in the mood to read. He puts his book on his nightstand and crawls under the covers. He desperately hopes that Sirius is wrong, that his mother will stay nice. He hopes that Sirius is lying to him to try and get him to turn out like he did, obnoxious and arrogant. Regulus wants nothing more than to not be anything like his brother.
Regulus barely sleeps. And at four in the morning when he pads downstairs, rubbing away the sleep in his eyes, his mother is sitting at the table. Her ghostly gaze is back. Sirius was right. She turns her head to look at him. Instead of looking angry, she looks incredibly sad. He knows practice is going to be equivalent to torture.