We Can Love

Tuesday, 15 March 1977

“Hey idiots, why is this door locked?” James has had a long day; his quidditch schedule leading up to the House Cup Final is a lot even for him, he still can’t understand why a potions NEWT is required to be an Auror, and he’s one minor inconvenience away from turning Snape into a dung beetle. And now, his dumbass roommates have locked him out of his dorm. He stops banging on the door for a second and realizes that, not only have they locked him out, but there’s also the familiar static of a silencing charm emanating from the door.

“Hey idiots, follow up question, why is this door locked and why do you have a silencing charm up?” Just as he raises a hand to commence banging on the door again, the door swings open revealing a pissed off Sirius Black, standing in his pants with his school shirt unbuttoned over a white vest. Behind him is an equally pissed off Remus Lupin, also sans trousers, wearing an inside out (and backwards?) jumper with his brown curls sticking up like he’d recently stuck a fork in a socket.

To say the very least, James is fucking confused.

“You know what, I’m not even gonna ask. I’m just here to get my broom, I’ll see you two at dinner,” James huffs before grabbing said broom and stomping back down the stairs out of Gryffindor Tower.

Starting to shake with laughter, Sirius turns around to his severely rumpled boyfriend and with a glint of mischief in his eyes and a signature arched eyebrow says, “Moons we really gotta tell him.”

“Honestly Sirius, it should genuinely concern us that he hasn’t just figured it out. We aren’t exactly subtle.”

With that, Sirius is no longer able to hold back his laughter. He re-locks the door and tackles his boyfriend back onto his bed. After a minute of wrestling like the rowdy teenage boys they are, Sirius admits his defeat to the sneakily strong taller boy; looking up into those soft green eyes, safe with the person he loves in the first place that they’ve ever felt at “home,” he’s never been happier. Remus leans down and brushes a soft kiss against Sirius’ lips before laying down beside him and opening his arms to allow the smaller boy to curl against him. Sirius tucks his nose into the crook of Remus’ neck while Remus turns his head to plant a sweet kiss to the top of Sirius’ head. If only life could stay like this, if only they could always be this safe.

* * *

As James reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns into the Gryffindor common room, he finally pauses for a second to wonder what the hell he’d just walked in on. He’s been pretty sure his two friends were in love with each other since the end of Fourth Year but wasn’t sure they’d ever get it together enough to admit it to one another. Now, he’d either walked in on them individually getting dressed after mid-afternoon naps, or the dolts had finally wised up to their mutual pining. He was hoping for the latter. He’s gonna have to warn Peter.

Shaking himself out of his daze, James continued his walk out of the common room feeling slightly happier than he had when he stormed into the tower just minutes ago. He had been hoping that his friends would find love; partially because, like any good friend, he just wants them to be happy, but more selfishly because he thinks that Sirius being in a strong relationship of his own might soften the blow when James finally tells him who exactly he’s been sneaking out of the Tower to meet up with nearly every night for the last 6 months.

* * *

Halloween, 1976

Everyone is wasted. Three sheets to the wind, sauced, hammered, about four seconds from stumbling into the forbidden forest never to be seen again. Chief among them is James Fleamont Potter. The captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team, de facto leader of the Marauders, and the current leader on the “who can lose the most house points without getting smacked by McGonagall” scoreboard. His lead might have something to do with his inexplicable spot as dear Minnie’s favorite, much to one Lily Evans’ dismay.

But hey, it’s Halloween. It’s a Sunday but classes are cancelled tomorrow due to the “sacred nature” of Halloween to the wizarding world, but James is pretty sure it’s actually because the professors are well aware that asking a teenager to use a wand or brew a potion the morning after Halloween is a recipe for literal disaster. James has decided that he is done pining after Lily. Well, at least he had decided that. But after half a bottle of firewhisky and a seemingly endless supply of Hufflepuff’s best weed, he can’t quite remember why he’d come to that decision. He’s about ready to hop down from the table he’s spend the last 20 minutes dancing on when his eyes meet familiar grey. He almost calls out Sirius’ name before he realizes … that’s not Sirius.

What the fuck is Regulus Black doing in the Gryffindor common room?  What the fuck is Regulus Black doing staring at him? Why, exactly, has James Potter forgotten how to move? In a split second, substance fueled decision, James hops off the table and makes his way towards his best friend’s little brother. He watches those harsh grey eyes go wide and then, much to his disappointment (why am I disappointed? James thinks, I’m gonna have to figure that out later … maybe when I remember the difference between feet and hands…), Regulus Black makes a beeline for the portrait hole.

Now, if this were any other night, if James had listened to Marlene when she told him to “drink the water for the love of Merlin,” or if he’d ever figured out where exactly Remus and Sirius had wandered off to earlier, or if he’d heard Peter calling him over to play some drinking game, or if James Potter weren’t that particular breed of Gryffindor brave … if any of these things had changed, he might not have followed the spooked Slytherin fifth year out into the corridor.

After emerging from the cacophonous sweat lodge that was the common room, the cold quiet of the 7^th floor hallway is a welcome reprieve. For a moment, James revels in the peace before remembering why he came out here in the first place. In the rush to follow Regulus, he’d neglected to dart upstairs to grab the map and his cloak, leaving him to find his target and avoid interference the good old-fashioned way. Man, he’d forgotten how much easier those items made their late-night adventures.

Listening carefully for the telltale sounds of Mrs. Norris and trying his best to avoid making noise outside of McGonagall’s office, James makes his way down the long stretch of the castle’s seventh floor. After a couple minutes of searching, James is absolutely lost. He’d forgotten the feeling. Finding himself at the end of a hallway he doesn’t recognize, standing in front of a large blank wall, James starts to think about how much of a death trap this castle is and wonders how many first years have gone inexplicably missing because the staircases decided to move, or Peeves thought it’d be funny to offer wrong directions. Then, James starts to wish he had some way to find Regulus. He wants to know what he was doing at the Gryffindor Halloween party. But, more than that, he wants to know why the younger Black brother had been staring at him so intently.

Just as he turns to trek back through the ancient maze that is Hogwarts, he hears the shifting of stone behind him. Looking back over his shoulder, James realizes that a door has opened on the previously bare wall. Too drunk, or too fearless, to ask himself if he should go about opening mysterious doors, he reaches out to turn the handle. As he peers inside, he realizes he’s in the Astronomy Tower? No. That can’t be right. The Astronomy Tower is on the opposite end of the castle, and last he’d checked, had a roof.

Coming the rest of the way through the threshold, James finds himself in the grandest observatory he’d ever seen. Looking down at his feet, he sees he’s walking on soft, freshly mown grass. This strikes him as odd considering he’s inside and on the seventh floor … distracted by figuring out how the castle was growing a lawn inside; James didn’t notice he wasn’t alone. His thought process was quickly interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Snapping his head up, James looked around in shock before meeting those same grey eyes.

Standing in front of him, looking absolutely perturbed and as lovely as one could imagine, was Regulus Arcturus Black.

“How’d you find me?”

“I was standing in a hallway wondering about how the Ministry allows 11-year-olds to wander freely about this death trap of a school and then a door appeared.”

“You must be joking.”

“No”

“Potter.”

“What! I was wondering that!”

“Potter!”

“Okay … well … I was wondering that, and then I was wishing I had some way to find you … and then the door appeared.”

“…”

“Where the fuck am I? Am I hallucinating? Did the Hufflepuffs lace the stash?”

“This is the come and go room.”

“I’m sorry, this is the what now?”

“The come and go room.”

“You’re putting me on. Where am I actually?”

“The come and go room!”

At that, James folds over laughing.

Stomping his foot like a petulant child, Regulus hisses, “and what, exactly, is so funny, Potter?”

“I’m sorry, this is the come and –” James folds again.

Standing silently with his arms crossed and his mouth pressed into a thin line, Regulus looks every bit like a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. After taking a moment to collect himself, James looks up and his eyes meet Regulus’. Raising a brow, exactly like his older brother does when someone’s royally pissed him off, Regulus waits for James to explain why he’s acting like a child.

Taking a deep breath, James asks, “okay, I hear the name, but what exactly is this place.”

Huffing, Regulus responds, “the house elves in the kitchen told me about it,” growing shyer now after realizing he has James’ undivided attention (James Potter’s undivided attention!!) he continues, “they told me about a room that only appears when someone needs it, it transforms to answer to that person’s needs…” trailing off he cocks his head looking at the older boy, “what?”

Mouth agape, James swallows hard before almost yelling, “Reggie you found the Room of Requirement? We’ve been searching for ages!!”

“Reggie? Really?”

“Sorry, it’s just, wow. We’ve been looking for almost six years and haven’t found it.”

“Well, I guess it’s about time you lot realized you’re not the smartest people to ever exist,” Regulus quipped with an air of superiority.

“Merlin’s Beard, Regulus, this is so cool!” James responded, ignoring the insult and instead turning slowly to take in his surroundings.

“Why are you here, Potter?”

“A mysterious door appeared, who am I to say no to a mysterious door?”

“Potter.”

“I was due for some late-night adventuring.”

“Potter.”

“The common room was crowded, someone stole the last of my firewhisky, and Mary refused to stop playing ABBA.”

“James.”

“James?”

“Why are you here,” Regulus asked again, his voice wavering and the fierceness of his grey eyes cracking, revealing something more akin to longing.

“I followed you.”

“You followed me?”

“I followed you.”

“Why?”

“You were looking at me.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“You were! You were watching me dance.”

“No.”

“Regulus, you were.”

“…”

“Why’d you leave?”

“You saw me, I knew I didn’t have long before you lot kicked me out, so I thought I’d save myself the embarrassment and leave on my own.”

“Why would we kick you out?”

“You hate me.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.” James asserted, taking a step closer to the younger boy, “no, we don’t hate you, Regulus.”

“You don’t?”

“We don’t.”

“You don’t?”

“I don’t,” James said with finality. “I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t hate me,” Regulus repeated.

If James didn’t know Sirius so well, he might not have noticed the way the corner of the younger Black brother’s mouth started to turn up with that revelation. Daring to take another step closer, James asked, “why were you watching me, Regulus?”

“I already said, I wasn’t watching you.”

“Regulus.”

“James.”

“Reg.”

At the use of a nickname, Regulus raised his eyes to meet James’. He took a moment to scan the older boy’s face; his perfectly tanned skin, the soft dimple on his right cheek, the sweet smile tugging at his mouth, the impossibly warm brown eyes. Taking a breath to steady himself, Regulus whispers, “because it makes me happy.”

“Watching me makes you … happy?” The smile on James’ face starts to grow.”

Looking back down, Regulus responds, slightly louder this time, “you,” he says before forcing himself to look back up, “you make me happy.”

Well, James thinks, I think I’m sober now. James isn’t quite sure how to respond to that. He hardly knows Regulus. All he knows is what he’s learned from Sirius or from competing against him in quidditch. By nature of being in different years and houses, they don’t have any classes or activities together. As far as James can remember, he’s only actually spoken to Regulus once before, when he got on the train his first year and told them all that his name wasn’t Reggie, it was Regulus, before spending the remainder of the ride from Kings Cross to Hogsmeade in absolute silence.

I make him … happy? James thinks to himself.

In the time it took for James to shuffle through these thoughts, the room has been silent. His delay in responding has obviously put Regulus on edge as the boy starts to step back to make his escape. Realizing what was happening, James snaps to attention and, before he can so much as form a coherent thought, reaches out to grab Regulus by the arm. Shocked by the sudden touch, Regulus goes entirely still. The anxious mood of the room is quickly dissipated as ‘sunshine personified’ James Potter meets Regulus’ eye before quietly repeating, “I make you happy.”

Regulus’ nod is nearly imperceptible. The boy had never dared to dream that this is how his night would be going.

When Regulus was eleven years old, he boarded the Hogwarts Express with his older brother, excited to be away from Grimmauld Place, excited to be with his brother again, and absolutely determined to hate James Potter. That resolution had lasted for all of three minutes before Sirius pulled him into a compartment where three other boys were already sitting. Peeking out from behind his brother, Regulus’ cool grey eyes immediately met warm brown. Before he’d even opened his mouth, Regulus Black was hopelessly in love with James Potter.

When Sirius ran from Grimmauld Place last Christmas, Regulus resolved to hate James Potter again. He knew that his brother would run straight to the Potters, he knew that James’ parents would become Sirius’ parents, and he knew that James would replace him and become the brother that Sirius deserved. Regulus was never able to protect Sirius, but James could. Regulus was never Sirius’ equal, but James was. Regulus wanted so badly to hate James, but beyond the fact that he was gone for the older boy, he also knew that, without James, Sirius might very well be dead. This time, it was obvious to everyone that James had saved Sirius. But Regulus knew that Sirius had actually been saved the minute he was sorted into Gryffindor and sat down next to the sunshine boy with glasses and impossibly messy hair.

Regulus couldn’t hate James.

Standing so close that Regulus could feel the warmth radiating off his body (wow, Regulus thought, he really is the sun…), James tore his eyes away from Regulus’ to look once again around the room.

“The room adapts to meet its finder’s needs.” James stated.

“Yes?”

“So, why’s it look like this?” James asks, turning his face back toward Regulus and flashing him a soft smile.

Looking shy again, Regulus responds, “I needed to talk to him.”

“Talk? To … him?”

In lieu of responding, Regulus turns away and points up.

“I don’t understand.”

“You’ve lived with him for five years and you can’t identify the brightest star in the sky?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why’d you need to talk to him? Why’re you talking to a star magically projected by the castle? Why not … you know … actually him?”

“Pick one of those questions, James”

“The last one.”

“I can’t.”

“Regulus.”

“I can’t James,” sighing and turning back to face James, Regulus continues, “I let him down.”

“What could you possibly mean by that?”

“I let him down, James. I failed him!” James can see tears starting to form in the younger boy’s eyes, he realizes quickly that he’s pushed Regulus to talk about something that hurts him, as he tries to think of a way to tell him he doesn’t need to explain, to show him that it’s alright, Regulus starts talking again, “I never could protect him. He protected me, every day. He thought I didn’t know what he was doing, he thought I couldn’t see what they did to him, but I knew. I saw.” Pausing, Regulus draws in an unsteady breath before looking back up at James, “maybe when I was younger, I didn’t understand the extent … but I always knew he protected me and as the years went on, it only got harder on him. But he never complained James, not once.” James can see the tears flowing freely now, Regulus is wondering why exactly he’s chosen this moment to open up about this and, more than that, is trying to figure out why he’s talking about this at all, but he’s on a roll now, “I only had one chance to pay him back.” At this, Regulus pauses and the realization washes over James.

“The night he left…”

Regulus nods.

“Remus and I never could figure out how he got there…”

The younger boy waits, knowing James will get it right, that he’ll connect the dots and stop Regulus from having to recount the story himself.

“He came through the floo … we were all sitting there, we hadn’t heard from him through the mirror that night and Remus and I were begging my dad to take us to Islington, we were ready to storm Grimmauld Place we were so worried. My dad was just about to call someone to help when the floo lit up and he tumbled into the living room. He was unconscious. There was no way he could’ve gotten himself through, Dumbledore told us that Sirius had probably crawled into the floo himself and then passed out on the way and just forgotten it, but Sirius kept telling us he couldn’t have done it, he was so confused it was driving him mad. I kept telling him it didn’t matter how it happened, all that mattered was that it happened, but he kept asking about it. Eventually, Remus told him basically the same thing I had and for some reason it stuck when he said it,” James paused to shake his head and smile at his clueless friends before steeling himself and concluding, “but it was you.”

“It was all I could think to do,” Regulus’ voice was barely more than a whisper, “earlier that day he had begged me to run away with him, told me we could run to your house and then we’d be okay, but I was too scared to leave. They wanted him to take the dark mark, and he refused and then …” the younger boy trailed off.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say it, I know what happened.”

“If I had left with him when he asked, it never would have happened. They wouldn’t have been able to hurt him, he would’ve been okay.”

“You don’t know that Regulus, your mom had shown up at my house before and dragged him back, that could’ve happened again, and it would’ve been both of you. If that had happened to you, Sirius never would’ve forgiven himself.”

“But maybe she wouldn’t have, maybe we would’ve been okay.”

“You’re okay now.”

At that, Regulus went still.

“You’re okay now, right?”

No response.

“Reg … you’re okay now, right?”

“It was him or me, it was always him or me. He leaves, I stay.”

“Reg, no –”

“James, it was him or me. I’m better at staying under their radar, I’m better off than he ever was, they don’t hurt me like they hurt him, I’m … okay.”

“Regulus, why does this mean you can’t talk to him?”

“He’ll beg me to leave, and I can’t say no to him forever but if I leave, they’ll have to track one of us back down and whoever they get to first will have it worse than ever before. It’s easier, it’s safer, if I just stay. He doesn’t understand that.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay. I’ve never lived there, I don’t understand the situation, if you say this is the safer way, if you say you’re okay, I believe you.”

“Okay …?”

“But, know this Regulus, if you ever need to run, you have somewhere to run to.”

Regulus isn’t sure how to respond. He can see it in his eyes, James is saying this in earnest. Regulus isn’t sure what he did to deserve this level of concern, this showing of care from James, but it’s a feeling he never wants to let go of. As he’s studying the older boys face, he notices the corner of his mouth start to quirk up until he’s met head on with a signature James Potter Smirk.

“So … can we circle back to the whole you make me happy thing?”

“So quick to make it about you again, Potter, I’m not surprised.”

James pauses for a second, worried that he’s actually offended the younger boy before, seemingly despite himself, Regulus’ face starts to split into a smile. James can’t help but smile back.

After a moment, James realizes that he hasn’t the foggiest idea how long he’s been missing from the party. Surely his friends will be looking for him and he has no clue how he’s going to explain where he’d gone.

“You need to get back to your party.” Regulus cuts in, having noticed the slightly unfocused look of concern in James’ eyes.

“Yeah … I’m not sure how I’m going to explain where I’ve been…”

“You can’t tell him you were with me,” Regulus says with a tone of fear in his voice.

Shocked, both by the fear in his voice and the authority with which he’d made the request, James can’t help but respond, “okay, of course, I won’t.” Noticing that his response has done little to calm the younger boy’s nerves, he adds, “I won’t tell him anything you don’t want me to.” At that, Regulus seems to relax. James looks down and notices that he’s still holding on to the other boy’s arm, having not let go after he reached out to stop him from walking away some time ago. Smiling to himself and squeezing the other boy’s arm once, he drops his hand and turns to leave.

He makes it halfway back to the door before turning slightly, smiling at Regulus, and saying, “I’m glad the castle knew I needed to find you.” Clocking the shocked look on Regulus’ face, he smiles again before adding, “Happy Halloween, Reg.”

Feeling inexplicably happy, James leaves the Room of Requirement and finds his way back to the party.