He dosen't want to be alone anymore. Why does no one get it? He is just trying to live. What is so wrong with him that he dosen't matter? Orions words rang through his mind, not leaving him alone. "There are not enough trans people to matter in politics" They keep voting for people that are against his existenze because he's NOT ENOUGH he DOSEN'T MATTER. Sometimes Regulus isn't sure if his parents realize that they say that to their TRANS Son. They said they accept it, after Sirius ran away they said they'd accept him beeing trans. Why do they keep showing that they don't? Why does it hurt so much? What is he doing wrong?
Do they actually accept him? Sirius said to him once that they are abusive, that they are conditioning them but.. they can't be? They can't. It's not- no! They are not abusive! They are good parents! they- ofcourse they make mistakes and say hurtfull things! everyone does that! that- It dosen't mean they are abusive! Right? No! No, stop thinking about that! About everything that hurt to hear, that's.. that is not their fault.
The guilt for thinking about it makes him sick, how is he so ungreatfull, such a horrible person? How could he even consider that Sirius was right? It just can't. They- they say they love him. They say they accept him. So they can't be abusive. Right?
His breathing is getting faster and he curles in on himself, his room dissapearing around him. It fucking hurts. He isn't even sure what hurts, just everything. He can't- he can't think like that- He CAN'T doubt his parents. It's not right.
No.
Not right.
Not-
He can't breathe.
Why can't he breathe? Is he too stupid for that now too?! No wonder he's such a burden. They are right. Who could ever want someone broken like him? Who would EVER want to have a child like that?
There are dark spots dancing around before his eyes and he- is he crying? Fuck- boys don't cry. He can't be crying! He is a boy. A boy. Yes a trans boy but still a boy! He dosen't want to doubt himself again. But he is not enough. His father said it. He. dosen't. matter.
"your poor parents"
"what did we do wrong with you?"
"don't flinch so obviously! god.."
"you'll get over it."
"I hope you die!"
"you don't deserve help."
"do you hear yourself?!"
"let's hope little Draco dosen't turn out like you."
"you're broken!"
"just die already!"
...
did he pass out? he dosen't remember.. he had a panik attack, he thinks. Okay, one thing at a time.. He's in his room. On his bed. He has his normal cloaths on. It's evening, so he wasen't out for too long, or at least he thinks so.
Breathing. right. He focuses on the fabric under him, on the sound of his heart and the wind against his window.
Slowly breathing out, Regulus tried to gather his thoughts. He really had that freak out because of one sentence from his father? pathetic.
A thought came back to him, again, Sirius. He refused to think about if he could be right about their parents but he missed him, so much that it felt like part of him went away with Sirius that day. Their parents don't talk about him, at all and Regulus wishes he had more memories with him.
He is fucked up, he knows that. Apparently it's not normal not to remember your childhood. He wishes he did. Yes, they said his brain blockes the trauma out to 'protect' itself but he dosen't have much memories about Sirius and him, just because of that stupid.. thing? whatever happend because. He. can't. remember. He really hates this, how is he supposed to fix it if he dosen't know what to fix?
He let's out a deep sigh, it can't be helped now can it? He will just have to.. do something. Whatever that is.
And he is not thinking about what what Sirius said. No. He will prove that he can be enough. It's not their parents fault that he is fucked up.
It. Is. Not.
At least, that is what he tells himself.