Sometimes people know when something they did was wrong, when they feel like they're wrong for doing it and that they should stop with the said thing. But she really didn't want to.
And the only thing Mary can do is stare. Stare into her eyes with an angry face while seeing her best friend laugh with James Potter. Last year Lily hated him. And now they’re laughing together. But she doesn’t know why she is so angry about it. Well, Mary actually does know but she doesn’t want to acknowledge her crush on her best friend. She doesn’t really know when it actually started. Okay maybe she does.
Half a year ago on June 14th, yes, she still remembers, she was walking to potions class. She had studied the whole night and woke up late. But she was good in time, so she didn’t need to rush to the classroom. Mary had put on her normal school uniform, like always, she didn’t even care to make her make up look good, but she was not nervous. She had gone through all of it last night and was able to recall everything, so no need to worry, right?
The girl walked into the classroom almost everyone already there. Most of them were nervous. Mary wasn’t. Until she looked at Lily. She, too, was wearing her normal school uniform, but one thing was different. She knew that this probably wasn’t a significant difference to anyone but her, but oh, she looked beautiful, so beautiful.
Lily fucking laughed. And that was it, that was Marys breaking point. Maybe her crush on Lily has been forming for quite a few weeks now, she just failed to actually see it. Buz then she saw, and she didn't know if she should let her heart flutter as it was in the very moment or be sick because of it.
Blush was on Lilys cheeks and highlighter was on her nose. Her hair fell so perfectly, Mary thought she was in a dream. And even though everything was the same, she couldn't help but just stare, because the morning light shined so beautifully onto her long red hair and her eyes in sunlight looked like a soft green. Not much changed except Mary's feelings for Lily.
She stared at her for a few seconds, and she felt her cheeks burning. Mary didn’t know what to do. And Lily was talking to Remus, who was seated in front of them. As Mary realized she was staring for a little too long, still standing behind the desk she usually sat on, Lily turned her head and gave the small smile she always gives her, but today it was different. Again, she could feel her face redden and her stomach clench.
“Hi.” Mary said with big eyes.
“Hi? Don’t you wanna sit?” Lily gave her a confused but nice smile again.
“Yeah....Sorry” Mary felt slightly embarrassed as she sat down.
She couldn’t even look Lily into the eyes. She just shouldn’t make it that obvious. She didn’t know what was wrong. Maybe she knew. But she didn’t want to acknowledge that. She didn’t even want to think about it, because it simply couldn’t be what she was feeling. It couldn’t. It shouldn’t. The silence between them was starting to get awkward.
“Hey”, Lily bumped her elbow against Mary's arm “uh...are you nervous because of the exam?... Or are you mad at me because of something.” And she did make it obvious.
“What? No. No, it's... I'm not mad at you.” Mary tried really hard to act casual. “Yes, it's because of the test. I'm not really prepared to be honest.”
After that they did not talk again until lunch.
And on that day, she failed the exam.
She didn't know how long she had been staring. It could've been 5 minutes or even one hour as far as she was aware of. But her eyes wouldn't pull away from Lily. From Lily and her beautiful hair and eyes and lips. And how she laughed but the reason of her laugh today was James. It was obvious something was going on between them.
Mary was angry and her eyes were already burning but she didn't want anyone to see that. Especially not Lily. Because if she saw, then she would ask for the cause and maybe she won't be able to hold back her tears.
What was she even sad for? Lily didn't even know that Mary liked her. How could she even? Mary always tried to not let her see in the past half year. And just know, she realized how stupid that was. Maybe if she did let it show, there could've been a chance that Lily actually liked her back. That was just a stupid thought. But she wished that it was true.
Mary just wanted to punch James in the face. She knew he didn't really do anything wrong, but she was so angry. But he would have deserved it. Maybe she just wanted to punch someone. Punch someone, because it was so unfair to her.
She probably just felt disappointed. Mary just had been hoping that Lily liked her back. But Lily didn't like her. Lily liked a boy. Lily likes boys. And Mary wasn't one. But this one time she wished she was one. But she wasn't.
She only realized everything was getting too much, when she saw a tear had dropped on the papers, she intended on working on, but she hasn't actually been there for working, not really, so she left. Maybe she just needed a little sleep.
Turned out sleeping made it worse. She didn't only sleep one, but two hours. And now she even felt more tired than before. Mary didn't have a feeling for time at all. If she wouldn't have a clock on the wall in front of her, she wouldn't even know that it was 6 pm.
And for the next five minutes, she just laid in her bed on her back and stared at the ceiling. She just wanted to lay there until the whole world ended. Until she would fall asleep. Until suddenly a hand shook her into reality.
“Hey! You awake? Or are you sleeping with open eyes?”, a voice whispered, not so quietly.
“Well, I am now, Marls. What is it?”, Mary was not feeling well.
“How long have you been laying here? Anyways, I am just here to remind you of the Gryffindor party that's taking place in the common room. How didn't you wake up? Its loud.”
Now Mary also heard the music that blasted out the common room. And with it also Sirius voice slightly quieter. Which wasn't quite unexpected.
“Soooo, are you coming? Lilys already there.”
“Let me guess, with James?”, at the thought she instantly started to get annoyed.
“No, she's with Remus. Come on!”, Marlene already took her hand, but Mary pushed it away.
“Fine. But wait for me. I´ll get ready quick.”
“But you always take so long to get ready.”
Mary couldn't help but laugh.
“So, do you, you know? Last time it took you what, like-” The other girl covered her mouth.
“Yeah, yeah I know how long it took me!”, she rolled her eyes and started to laugh.
They both started laughing.
Just now she actually saw, what Marlene was wearing. Her shoes were Doc martens, her favourite shoes, as much as she told Mary. Some pants with a few stars embroidered on them. Marlene was also wearing a dark red top and a star necklace she got from Lily few months prior.
Lily.
She stood up and looked through her clothes. Surprisingly it didn't take her too long to choose an outfit. Only ten minutes. Better than usually. She chose a dark pink dress that went a little bit over the knees with a black leather jacket she got (stole) from Marlene.
After doing her makeup she went outside of the bathroom and saw Marlene laying on Mary's bed, staring at the wall Mary was staring at before, waiting for her.
After a few seconds Marlene realized Mary finally got out of the bathroom and looked at her. First with a tired eyes look, but her eyes went a little wider after she saw what Mary was wearing.
“Is that my jacket?”
“You let me borrow it”, she replied, a little to instant.
Marlenes mouth dropped in shock. “No, I didn't! I would know if I let you borrow my favourite jacket! I was fucking searching for her!”
Mary just gave the other girl a quick smile and ran out of the room, Marlene following her.
As soon as she entered the common room, the music blasted even louder into her ears. Fast, she tried to hide in the crowd before Marlene would get to her. She looked for familiar faces. Maybe Emmeline or Amelia. But no one. Of course, she knew some of the people, but she didn't have the nerves to talk to them.
So, she just sat down onto the couch watching the others dance until she would hopefully see a familiar face. Mary liked watching others dance. How they moved, how they laughed, even how some people flirted with each other. Which made her think about Lily again. And then she saw her.
She was talking to Remus, laughing. She looked so beautiful. She was dressed in a black skirt with a brown sweater with white stripes.
She did her makeup just like always. And she smiled just the same. Like always. And Mary couldn't pull her eyes away. Like always. And Lily kept looking at her, while Remus joined her. Which was weird. It wasn't the normal looking at someone. It looked like they were talking about her. Did she mumble something in her sleep last night? Or did Lily see how jealous she looked in the evening? Merlin, please no. Maybe they were talking about how Mary stared at her last week in the library? But she couldn't possibly have seen that, right? She thought she was very subtle about it. She doesn't even really know if anyone noticed. Maybe someone did and then told her about it-
Lily was walking directly to her. Mary breath slowed down. Lily sat down next to her, smiling.
“Hey, you look pretty, Macdonald”, she looked her up and down. So, they weren't talking about her? Or at least nothing about her to be concerned about.
“Thank you. You too. I like your hair”, Lily didn't even change anything about her hair, fucking hell, stop this.
“Thank you", there was a short pause,” If there is any country you could travel to just with the snip of your finger, which one would it be?”
Mary gave an amused smile. “Well, that was random.”
“Just answer the question.”, Lily rolled her eyes. She was unbelievably beautiful.
“I guess, I know it's probably really basic, but France maybe?”
“I´d love to go to France. Maybe we´ll go together?” her eyes got big.
“If you get the money for traveling, then I´ll go with you, happily.”, she gave Lily a little smile.
“You know”, Lily whispered into Marys ears,” Remus just told me that he saw that strawberry and air were kissing each other yesterday.”
Mary sat up straighter. “I thought air is together with thingy.”
“Yes, that's the problem. They still are...”
Mary investigated the crowd again with her mouth open. “But that's so fucked up of them!”
“I know, right?! I am considering to just tell thingy about it.”
“And since when does Remus know their names? Did you tell him? Because if you did....”, she gave Lily an amused expression.
“Then what?”, Lily leaned in closer, looking at Marys lips- Wait. No, no she didn't, right? She couldn't have.
After few seconds Lily continued talking, "But just to reassure you, I didn't. I would never.”
“Thats good”; who the fuck says that? Oh, my Merlin that's so embarrassing.
Lily leaned her head against Mary's shoulder, “And besides, Marlene would be all dramatic about it if I ever told someone what the names stood for, and how I betrayed her trust”, Lily said in a mocking voice.
Mary laughed, “Oh, yeah, she definitely would.”
Lily leaned her head against Mary's shoulder. Mary didn't move an inch and barely breathed.
“You´re very pretty Mary, you know. I like that your eyes are like this brown with little yellow, almost golden spots.”, she smiled again.
Lily seemed drunk. She needed to be.
“Are you drunk?”
“No” she smiled again, “just brave.”
Mary didn't quite understand what she meant. And why is she like that? She has never talked to her like that.
“Do you wanna go somewhere else?”, Lily asked while straightening herself up. Her hand touching Marys thigh, lightly. It was a soft, subtle touch but oh, did it do something to Mary heart.
“What do you mean?”, she made a bit of a distance between them.
Lily looked at her lips, just for a short moment, scooting in closer, "Just somewhere quiet, where we can be alone, you know?”
Lily was drunk. There was no other explanation. “And what would we do then, Evans?” Mary tried to sound more confident than she was, but she wasn't sure if she sounded like it.
“I don't know... “Lily let out a chuckle, "Whatever you want, I guess.”
Mary thought about it. She didn't have anything to do at this party, anyway. So why would it be a big deal to go somewhere else with her best friend?
“Sure, why not-”, she couldn't even really finish her sentence when Lily took her hand and led her through the crowd. Lilys hand felt so soft and warm. Mary noticed that she wore her light pink crystal ring that she always wore. And Mary imagined her kissing that ring still on Lilys hand-
She should stop.
This was again something she should stop with; she knew she should. It was wrong.
But she didn't think her brain would ever listen to her. She hated how her brain was wired.
Out of the common room the noises got quieter by the second. But the thoughts in her head didn't.
“Why the fuck are you running, Lils?”, Mary laughed and Lily did too, moments later.
“The fuck do I know? But fine, I'll stop”, abruptly she stopped running, which made Mary bump into her.
The red head turned around, staring into Marys eyes, “Let's go to the Greenhouses!”
“Why do you want to go to the Greenhouses?”, she gave Lily a sceptic look.
“Come on, Macdonald”, Mary keeps staring at her, “Just because we can, Mary.” Lily looked at her with the doe eyes she sometime uses, thinking no one could ever resist them. And Mary actually couldn't resist them.
“Well, then lead the way”, Mary stepped back.
In the Greenhouses Mary took a few seconds to look at everything closely. At every plant that crossed them and every flower, like she has never done before. The reason for that was simply, she wanted to forget about her other thoughts that included Lily, who just sat down onto a stone, leaning herself onto the wall behind her.
“Can you smell that?”, she asked Mary, who still stood in front of Lily
“What do you mean, Lily”, Mary gave her a confused expression.
The red-haired girl slightly observed Mary, which made her a little nervous, if she was honest. But for the reason of that nervousness, she did not want to think of. Even though Lily seemed very kissable at this moment- She shouldn't be saying that. Even if Mary wasn't even saying that. But how could she ever be able to even think straight in front of the girl in front of her? Well in the end she was thinking the thought that came to her mind a few sentences earlier. Which she shouldn-
Then Lily abruptly started her sentence, “It smells like nature in here”, which put Mary so off guard she needed a little too long to respond.
“We are literally in the Greenhouses, Lils.”
“Yeah, I know”, Lily responded in a heartbeat, “I just missed the smell”, on her face get a little smile.
The smile made Mary just want to fall onto the ground. She should not be thinking about Lily. Or her smile. Or how much Mary admired her with her whole soul. For fucks sake, should just stop thinking all at once-
“Is there a difference between body and mind? Or more body, soul and mind?”
Okay, now her sentences were really off putting. “I, I mean... I don't actually know. I mean I guess...”, took a few seconds to think, while playing around with the ring Mary was wearing, “I feel like there is a difference between body and mind.”
“And what about soul?”
Mary replied immediately, “Where do those random ass question come from?”, with a slight chuckle.
Lily also began to let out a like laugh, “Sorry. You make me nervous, I guess.”
Mary's expression got a little bit more serious. Did she actually just say that? Did she imagine it, or was it real? Her heartbeat got faster.
“What? Why do I make you nervous?”, Mary said while Lily stood up, still leaning against the wall.
And after Lily said the sentence, she was about to say, the other girl's world seemed surreal, which was kind of dramatic, but still valid in her head, “Because you are you, I guess, dumbass.”
Mary could feel her cheeks getting red and her breathing quickening. Shit. It needs to stop already. She was mad. Not really mad at Lily. But yes, also mad at Lily. Mary didn't know who she was mad at. But she knew Lily needed to stop talking this nonsense or something would happen soon.
“And what the fuck does that mean Lily?”, it couldn't keep going like this.
Lily squinted her eyes slightly together, with a confused look on her face, “Why are you so mad all of a sudden?”
“Are you drunk, Lily?”, her voice had some sort of anger in it but she hoped the other girl wouldn't notice.
The red-haired girl stood up, “I already fucking told you I wasn't drunk! Why is that so important?”
Mary took a step back, trying not to look into Lilys green eyes. “Because you've been acting fucking strange tonight!” There was a strange and short silence between them. Mary was making it worse with every new word that came out of her mouth. And then Lily started laughing.
“Oh I´ve been fucking strange? You´ve been strange the last fucking months!”
“What? No, I haven't.”
“Yeah, you have been.”
“What did I do to make you think that.”
“I mean pretty much almost everything.”
“Oh.”
There was a long silence now but Marys minds only thought was, how obvious did she make it? Did Lily know?
“So?”, Lily asks in a demanding tone.
“So, what Lily?”, Mary didn't know what so say. And she was angry, even though she had no right to be. Maybe she should just tell her. But she can't. It's weird. Mary is weird. She is weird for it. Her feelings should just be pushed inside a box and never see the daylight again. They don't deserve to be free.
“Why are you so weird around me?”, Lily steps forward, slowly closing the gap between them. Lilys eyes searched for the answer in Marys.
Mary didn't dare to breathe. Not even a little bit. Usually, her mind would be racing right now, but it wasn't. She was just looking. Looking at Lily. Just at Lily. And then she wasn't anymore.
“I... don't know”, Mary was looking at the ground. Actually, she was just looking everywhere where Lily wasn't.
“You do know”, Lily sighed, trying to find Marys eyes again, “It would be easier if you´d just tell me. You know if something bothers you, you can just tell me. Did I do something wrong?”
Now Mary was looking into Lilys eyes. And the other girl looked worried.
“You didn't... Do anything.”, which was the only thing she should have said. But she didn't.
“It's me- I-”, she sighed. She should just shut her mouth, turn around and walk away and then never speak to her again. Because then she would never know. At least she actually turned around.
“I have those feeling around you.”
Fuck.
She completely fucked up.
“Feelings?”, Lily just laughed slightly, not understanding, “What do you mean with feelings?”
Mary should've never said anything. But it was already too late. “I- I don't know what the fuck it is” Mary just wanted to cry, but she was holding her tears, at least for now,” My heart just, kind of, skips a beat when a see you, you know. Like in this way it should be, but- only with a boy.” The last words came out in one fast breath. She didn't know what she should expect to hear now. She didn't even want to hear it, really.
“Oh.”
Thats what Lily said. Oh.
One tear was now falling down her cheek, the only one she allowed herself to shed. But Lily didn't see that. She was still turned around, not daring to look into Lilys eyes.
“You know, that's not a crime Mary.”
Now Mary turned around. “What?”
“You like me? Like, like like me?”, the words came out with a subtle laugh.
“You okay with that? Just like that?”
Lily was looking straight into the other girl eyes, stepping another step forward. “Yeah, yes, I guess I am.”, Lily was smiling now, a gentle smile, scanning all of Mary's face.
“Lily, you know that's wrong. You shouldn't be so casual about this.”
“It's only wrong if you let it be”, Lily was just staring at her and then at Mary lips.
Mary was slightly nervous, because what the fuck is happening. This was going way different than she thought.
“Can I kiss you?”
What.
“What?”, Mary was completely starstruck.
“Can I? -Only if you let me, of course.”
Mary immediately said-”Yes.”
And then their lips met. And that was that. They kissed. They fucking kissed.
Sometimes people know when something they did was wrong, and that they should stop. But this time it didn't feel wrong, not even a little bit.