Honey, You'll Survive
School was ending soon and it was his last year. James didn’t know what to do- truly he didn’t. He thought he liked Lily and wanted a life with her, but that wasn’t great after they decided to be friends plus she got with her now girlfriend- Mary. His grades weren’t out of this world so careers weren’t really on his mind. And worst of all he wasn’t ready to leave his friends.
Sirius was now living with James after running away so he wasn’t too worried about him, but he was more nervous about Remus and Peter. James had a lot to think about—Lily, graduation, friends- graduation, friends, Lily- friends, Lily, graduation. It was keeping him up. It was almost his last day of school and he didn’t know what to do. He was in his dorm room just staring at the ceiling, trying to think about something other than his worries, but that didn’t work. James wasn’t normally a worrier, he would let things take their course and if something didn’t work he’d roll with it.
After Lily, something changed. However, he and Lily didn’t have bad blood- quite the opposite actually and he wasn’t still hopelessly in love, he just was used to liking her so now it felt weird. Not a bad weird just out of normal weird. He felt like he had to like Lily but now they decided to be friends. They were working better as just friends. He'd told himself he loved her for the past 6 or so years. After he could stop thinking about how much he’d plan to have a life with Lily he thought about how he and his friends were supposed to still be close in contact. Remus had his life planned out with Sirius having a decent idea that he wouldn’t discuss with the others. James, on the other hand, wasn’t sure what to do with his life anymore other than help with the war, but he still wanted a life outside of that.
The worst part was how this wasn’t a new development over the past couple of week his sleeping was only getting worse. He’d tried most things to help with his sleeping problem; tea, warm milk, eyemasks, counting- but nothing was working. James finally just sat up and looked at his friends finding comfort in watching them sleep calmly, only for a wave of exhaustion to hit as soon as he sat up straight. In a last-ditch effort, James throws on his cloak and decides to go for a late-night walk. Something felt different in the air so James thinks walking to be a good idea.
The air wasn’t very crisp or cold since it was June, if anything the lake only helped make the air humid and hot. James continued walking for a while, chuckling at the idea of just jumping into the lake to cool down, and then he saw something. Not necessarily close to the shore, farther out where the bottom was unable to see, the only reason James could even see the body was under the moonlight. It was almost mesmerizing under the light watching from afar made the body seem beautiful in a certain way. The dark curls swirling around the face the hand reaching up the pale skin looking green in the water even the bubbles that started bigger and got smaller seemed staggering. Put him in a trace for a moment before realizing the error of his thoughts, like blood in the snow in the way that it was wynorrific. His thoughts changed quickly from that of his worries to
‘oh shit’
-in a matter of moments. In a moment of bravery and fear his cloak was thrown off with his glasses as he took a leap of faith.
Regulus knew this was how it was supposed to happen, he needed to do this even if he was a death eater he could not let him continue the way he was. He didn’t expect him to be so scared, like everything that could’ve been and was couldn’t stop playing on repeat. He thought about Sirius and their last arguments, for the first time in his entire life under the pressure of the water he wanted to apologize, to see his brother one last time under good circumstances. He couldn’t even think about the shock in that idea, him being the one to apologize, at these moments all he wanted was his brother. His family. His blood. His home.
Not his home the building but the true feeling of home he missed with his brother. He thought about the recent fight over his running away to the Potters and how he wanted Regulus to go. That was impossible, Regulus physically couldn’t leave, even if his whole heart had decided to leave his family. In reality, he missed the small good moments- though not many he missed them and held onto hope of their return. As the bits of oxygen left his mouth his mouth opened in the need of air somehow forgetting he was underwater he thought about if.
If he left with him- well first his parents wouldn’t let them go or be free with their need for an heir, but if in a magical world, he’d feel home again. He knew that feeling would never be felt again.
He thought about Pandora and what would’ve happened when they finished the potion, would they laugh about it? He couldn’t deal with the thought of her face after his death. Being honest with himself he hated the thought of never seeing her again in general. If James was Sirius’s brother Pandora was Regulus’s sister. Although Regulus felt a connection with Evan and Barty, they were in the best way psychotic, Pandora whilst crazy in her way was different. She was a true and real friend she made Regulus laugh, which was unheard of from him, and she made him feel loved. After he felt the love of his brother fade from his end she picked him up and helped him at his lowest. That was another feeling he’d miss, the safety and love of Pandora. His body tried to cough and he only felt more desiderium.
Regulus felt weak and scared. He’d planned this, told Keacher what to do, and conclusively continued with it, but he couldn’t stop wanting to cry for help. His plan worked for him at first he felt calm, cold, and prepared as he went with Kreacher to the lake him being brought not too far out but what Regulus deemed as far enough for him. He took the emerald potion trying his best to ignore the side effects almost finding the irony behind his thirst laughable, but he didn’t this was serious after all. He told Kreacher to leave and never tell anyone what happened to him with the destruction of the real Horcrux. Even at that moment, the reality of his situation hadn’t truly clicked. He’d thought it had, with how difficult seeing his friends was, how arduous it was seeing his friends laugh around him as he knew it would be the last time with him. Now, right now, under the water pressure and his last thoughts the reality clicked.
He was really dying.
His arm reached up wishing for anyone to be there with him for his last moments, he was incredibly alone and couldn’t help but feel it so much in these moments. He missed his friends, he knew he wouldn’t hear their laughs again, see them smile, hear their stupid ideas- this was his end but for some reason, he didn’t want it anymore.
He was 16, his life still ahead of him, a whole life that he could’ve been. He was 16, born in 1961, and died in 1978. His death date mixed with his birth year to create a distasteful picture floating through his head. His eyes shut tight the oxygen leaving faster and faster with every passing thought, he couldn’t stop thinking, he knew he should if he wanted a chance at life, as just thinking took up so much oxygen- but he realized he wasn’t supposed to live. How stupid was he to waste oxygen thinking about that? He was helping the world and he was thinking about how to keep living. How stupid. For some reason, Regulus tried to hold his arm up more wishing for more time- one last chance. He wanted to cry- he was alone and now he was dying young without even having a brother to care about him, not even a lover. He was being dragged further down with his thoughts. Each thought turned into a bony hand forcing their way to grab and drag Regulus. The worst one was his fear and hatred for swimming- although being forced to take lessons as a kid with Sirius he’d given up after failing and Sirius succeeded. His parents didn’t care enough to make him try again. That thought felt like the literal nail in the coffin for Regulus. His inability to swim seemed the coldest in this situation.
That was until he felt a warm hand grab him. The hand was warm and made hope reenter his system if only for a moment, he almost couldn’t feel the annoying hands dragging him down. Almost, he realized he couldn’t allow this, he couldn’t be saved he simply wasn’t allowed, it wasn’t his future to live. He didn’t think he was allowed, he’d chosen his way out and that was it. He didn’t get another chance. He tried to loosen his hand and squeeze through, half out of intention, and then majority from the lack of oxygen.
James didn’t give up. He couldn’t see exactly who it was but after feeling his hand go limp he knew he had to continue to help however was trapped. James wasn’t that type of person, he could be dragging a dead body up to try and resuscitate and would still try and help. He couldn’t see anything only feeling the cold hand as he made up for the other's weak grip lifting them both kicking at the hands below and moving swiftly. He still couldn’t see anything even as he made it to the surface feeling weak with adrenaline, lack of oxygen, and the amount of physical effort he was putting in. James was tired and the body was limp, he was swimming with one arm and using the other to hold up the person keeping their head above water.
He couldn’t turn his head and check on the person or even check if he had literally grabbed a dead body out of some sleepless paranoia and not even realized. He kept moving either way, if not for the other person's survival; his own. Eventually, he made it back the the shore immediately placing the person on their side and getting nervous seeing the curly dark hair and pale skin. What followed the nervousness was relief then guilt. He put his glasses back on seeing the person begin coughing water up and white froth the original nervousness was because he had immediately thought of Sirius, he was worried it was Sirius there, then felt relief when he realized it wasn’t Sirius. Of course, after that rollercoaster he felt immense guilt- this was still a person with a life and future and he was just relieved since it wasn’t his best friend under the water.
Checking again he recognized Regulus, as he was coughing and trying to lean himself up even though he was shaking so much and looked like a baby deer learning to walk for the first time. “Regulus? W-” James took a sigh trying to get more air into his lungs from the exercise. “What happened, what were you doing?” He felt slightly bad moving to interrogate the other as soon as he was out of the water, but he was too curious to wait for recovery. Of course, he gets an annoyed response, “None of your business,” even his voice came off as shaky and weak, which was strange and threw an awkward veil over the mood. Regulus was always strict with his words, saying every sentence with pride and truth, never before had he sounded so- so much like a child, like his age.
Unsure, tired, scared, and sick he turned his head to vomit. While Regulus had almost drowned what had happened with his body, was disgusting the water mixing with the mucus in his body making him start coughing up a white foam, some red coming through because of his blood being added to the mix. His breathing was rapid James looked at him and almost worried he was having a panic attack. Regulus turned his head as he gave up trying to fully get up and added up on his hands and knees his hand tilted down as he kept coughing, his throat burning as he shook. James was sitting on his legs trying to calm himself down taking deep breaths and moving his hair out of his face with a shaky hand.
He let out an unsteady breath which turned to a nervous laugh. He didn’t know what to do and felt incredibly out of place. James loved helping people, but watching his best friend's younger brother vomit blood, and some white shit made him feel crazy. He didn’t know what Regulus thought he was doing, what if he died? Or even worse, was he trying to die? He slapped his cheeks, Regulus attempted to pause his coughing to turn his head and give a confused glare at James.
“Why were you out here?” His voice was shrill, and he cringed at the sound. James gave a surprised glare that turned to more insane-sounding laughing. Regulus was concerned not only with his own life but also with why James was there and why James was able to save him.
The water carried James’s laugh and Regulus only felt more angry.