Keep Yourself Alive

Regulus turned the corner and knocked on Sirius’s door. His knee stung and he was barely holding back tears, “Sirius? Pouvez-vous m'aider?”(Sirius? Can you help me?) he asked, his voice shaky. When he heard his voice he was suddenly aware of how high and pathetic his voice sounded. He heard footsteps and then a younger Sirius appeared at the door, cracking it open to look at him. Sirius looked young but somehow his eyes carried the weight of someone twice his age- Regulus didn’t notice this, instead sniffling and pointing at his knee.
“Je suis tombé dans la classe,”(I fell in the garden) He explained before Sirius asked. Sirius sighed and then smiled at Regulus, opening his door wider for him to run in and move towards Sirius’s bed to sit down. His height caused this to be nearly impossible so Sirius walked over and helped him up, not doing much as he wasn’t much taller than the other. “C'est bon, je vais le réparer,”(It’s okay, I’ll fix it) He spoke in a comforting tone to help Regulus calm down. He smiled at him once more and walked over to his desk, opening the top drawer and taking out a metal box with ‘Band-Aid’ written on top, and a small tube with ‘Homeoplasmine’ written on it. He then moved closer to Regulus again with a cold damp rag pressed against his knee.

Regulus didn’t question how Sirius magically got the damp rag, or how it didn’t feel real and more like a memory. Sirius patted around the scrape a bit to help clean it, this movement made Regulus giggle, “Sirius! Il fait trop froid !”(Sirius! It’s too cold!) He said through giggles trying to stay still, “Il fait à peine froid. Tu n'es qu'un bébé,”(It’s barely cold. You’re just a baby) Sirius replied with a grin, Regulus didn’t see the humor; frowning, “Je ne suis pas un bébé,”(I’m not a baby) He spoke somewhat quietly.
Sirius giggled slightly at this as he somehow again magically changed, the Homeoplasmine now in hand as he twisted the lid off, applied a small amount of the ointment around the scrape, and reached for the Band-Aid. Regulus was still quiet, pouting now, and Sirius noticed the silence as he put on the Band-Aid, he then got an idea. “Arrête de faire la moue, bébé,”(Stop pouting, baby) He said in a teasing manner more then one of bullying. “Je ne fais pas la moue !”(I’m not pouting!) Ironically, he only continued pouting more after saying this, Sirius then stood up after fixing Regulus’s scrape and decided to help him feel better.
Sirius then pretended to pounce and tickled Regulus, “Pas plus!”(No more!) He tried to speak in retaliation but all that came out were laughs, “Quoi? Oh, je suis désolé, je ne t'entends pas,”(What? Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t hear you) His smile came out loud and clear in his words, enjoying seeing Regulus smile and laugh. Regulus couldn’t keep his eyes open and shut them for a moment.

When he opened his eyes he wasn’t on Sirius’s bed anymore. Sirius didn’t look young anymore; his hair was long, and he had a change in clothing style. He also didn’t look happy with Regulus anymore, but Regulus didn’t know why, for some reason even though Sirius looked grown Regulus stayed at the previous height and his thoughts mirrored that fact. His gaze was angry, absolutely disgruntled at the other. Regulus didn’t understand as Sirius spoke in a new tone whisper-yelling and waving his arms exaggeratedly, “Could you be brave for once in your life? Regulus, don’t choose these fuckers over me!” He was upset and Regulus stayed quiet, he didn’t understand.
“Don’t stand there like a deer in headlights! You must have something to say,” Regulus didn’t recognize where the aggression was coming from.
“Fine! Don’t say anything, fuck you too!” Sirius looked hurt that Regulus wasn’t answering and chose to stare instead wide-eyed and scared. Could the younger one even understand the words he was saying? No, but he knew angry body language even in his younger state. Sirius turned around with a sigh that felt like a grunt. Regulus didn’t know why he was leaving, but he could understand that Sirius wasn’t returning. His legs felt frozen but he tried anyway to move,

“Attendez! S'il vous plaît, ne partez pas ! Je suis désolé,”(Wait! Please don’t leave! I’m sorry) He wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for, however, he was sure he didn’t want Sirius to leave. Of course, his voice was too quiet and sounded muffled as suddenly the farther Sirius walked away the less and less he was able to breathe. Promptly the setting changed once more, Regulus felt like he was underwater slowly watching as he felt himself slip farther and farther down as his vision got darker, his thoughts of dying coming back again and his chest hurt. When the scene shifted he couldn’t remember anything of the argument or the happiness he had just seen.
He began to cry, he was scared, and for some unknown- to him- reason, he was already in a disconsolate mood. This was his bête noire: being engulfed in his thoughts, drowning in his fear without escape, when suddenly there was an escape that slowly tried to drag him from the water. The escape was a man with dark curly hair stuck to his face, brown eyes with light freckles covering his nose, and round glasses with a look of concern.
As soon as Regulus was aware enough of his body he tried to get up. James of course tries to help him sit down instead, “Hey. hey it’s alright,” He tried to be comforting but the other took it as patronizing. Shoving him, he tried to get up again. “Shut up,” His voice was aggressive and he couldn’t help recognizing Sirius’ voice in his tone- that made him feel sick and only helped his drive to leave. As soon as he felt the ground; his legs shook and he went face-first to the ground.
As soon as Regulus thought this would be his lucky day and he would die, James caught him, “It’s alright, just let me help,” He flashed a smile and the other could hear it in his voice. “Let me leave,” He sounded tired, which was almost more strange than the falling, being in James’ arms, and being so aggressive. James helps him stand again, wraps his arm around his neck, and then puts his arm around his waist to help him stabilize until Regulus can walk again. “Nope. Sorry, but I need to know you’re okay first,” Somehow James can ignore the aggression and still focus on helping Regulus; he’d be amazed if he weren’t so angry. The walk to the kitchen was silent and awkward, James occasionally trying to start small talk and Regulus staying silent.
James saw Regulus take a seat at the bar looking at him with annoyance. James smiled back and walked toward the refrigerator,
“Hungry?”
“No,”
“Good, I have just the thing,” Obviously James ignores Regulus’s claim.
James’ favorite food- at least at this moment as it seemed to change based on how hungry he was- was leche flan and he had happened to make some the other day. It was annoying to make with how you need patience, which James struggled with, but that only made him more excited to show his work to someone new. He took out a small container with the flan inside and luckily no one else had taken a bite yet(as Sirius was known to do so). “Are you going to poison me, Potter?” Regulus says trying to slide side to side to see what James is doing as he is just out of sight facing away from Regulus. “I wouldn’t ruin a perfect leche flan to poison you,” James retorts, grabbing a plate from overhead and then grabbing a small spoon from a side drawer. Regulus muttered an “Oh’ unable to think of anything else to respond with.
James turns around to show Regulus the food making a tada-like motion; making jazz hands with the hand not holding up the plate. He then smiles and slides the plate across bowing as he does so to add dramatics. Regulus rolls his eyes and takes the spoon, finding it hard to make up an appetite- but also finds it rude not to eat when given food.

“This is my favorite food, and I made it, all on my lonesome, so bon appetit!” He looks rather proud of himself and Regulus is praying it tastes like shit so he can make fun of him. He takes a small breath and takes a bite being more conscious of every bite as he doesn’t feel hungry yet. He finds it too sweet, but he also is suddenly starving so he complains to James, but still eats it. James can’t help watching him, he doesn’t realize he’s doing it and is just happy to see Regulus somewhat returning with the complaining and eating.
“So, how was your sleep?” He tries to start up some sort of conversation to begin a trail of questions to see how Regulus is doing. The other doesn’t even humor a response instead giving a glare his way and taking another bite of his food. James smiles waiting for a response until he remembers that the reason they’re down here was Regulus waking up from a nightmare. “-Other than the nightmare I mean,” Again he gets another glare, but at the least a response this time, “Fine,” cold and to the point. James swallows unsure how to get to the boy, but takes a breath and remembers that he’s James. He’s got Sirius to open up to him in first year, he should be able to get to Regulus too.
“How do you like the food?”
“It’s fine,”
Right, no problem at all. He needs a different approach: "This is my favorite food. Or dessert- same thing,” He waves an airy hand. “It takes patience, but once it’s made I love it,” a smile never leaves his face. “It’s okay, too sweet for me,” Regulus says replying to James but unwilling to admit to liking the food. “I’ve got a sweet tooth,” Regulus nods to this unsure what vocal response he could give.

James decides it’s safe to ask other questions, as the nightmare and soreness in his limbs remind him of the last night. “So, why were you at the lake?” James hears the words leave his mouth, thinking that might’ve been too soon and watches Regulus tense for only a moment before returning to his ‘normal’, sitting perfectly and keeping his face permanently neutral. “I had a plan,” He says slowly like he's testing the waters or forcing the words out himself. James did not take this the way Regulus intended. “You planned to fucking die?” He said completely concerned with anger trailing behind, his expression was confused. If Regulus wanted to die why would he be so vocal about it with James of all people. “It was for a personal mission,” He states leisurely before continuing at a normal pace, treating the conversation with less respect than one of importance.
James sighed and his shoulders fell. He almost looked annoyed; running a hand through his hair, “How am I supposed to believe that? Merlin Regulus, did you tell anyone or try to talk to anyone?” The other looked like a child caught doing something they weren’t supposed to. “Only you and Kreacher know anything. It was for a personal mission of mine,” He was doubling down. Still, he also didn’t want to explain how he was a death eater and was trying to drown himself with a fake made Horcrux as a way of stopping Voldemort—too much to explain, and not enough care to do so. “You don’t have to ask out of hospitality, I’ll leave as soon as possible and nothing else will be discussed-” “Hell no! We’re discussing else right now, and you’re not leaving anytime soon,” James cut him off slightly stumbling over his words at times, trying to reply quickly but not knowing what his next words would be. Regulus sighed annoyed, he knew James didn’t care for him and felt obligated after saving his life, and being a human being with basic empathy. He didn’t want to be patronized. “Don’t pretend to care now since you happened to stumble along and find me-” This time he was cut off by the sound of the door.

“James! You’ll never believe the night I had,” Well hello Sirius. James felt the colour drain from his face, ‘shit’ was his only thought. He quickly ran toward the front door to cover the fact Regulus was there. James was holding his arms out like he was excited to see Sirius, which he did often so it was no shock. “Welcome home Sirius! Do you want to move to your room, or mine maybe?” James said slightly strained, trying to simply move Sirius before he saw Regulus and all hell broke loose. On the other hand, Regulus was staring at the ceiling like he was praying and only thinking:
‘Why Gods? Why me? First I didn’t die, then I was saved by James, and now I’m at Potter Manor. Is this supposed to be my hell? Now you added my brother? This is my hell.”
His head moved to his hands hearing James’ sad excuse of trying to get Sirius not to notice. “Nah let’s just go to the kitchen I’m hungry- but anyway Moony and I somehow convinced Peter to drink and then we got him to do karaoke. It was fucking hilarious Prongs I wish I could’ve somehow recorded for you- oh wait I got some photos,” James loves Sirius he really does, and although he was interested in the photos he wanted Sirius to stop talking and to stop moving as he tried to walk to the kitchen. James stepped in front of him and put his hands on his shoulder stopping him like he was in a movie,
“Wait Sirius, I have to let you know that I have a surprise-”
“Really? Prongs, you’re so sweet, did I tell you I love you?”
“-but you’re not going to like it,”
Sirius was quiet for a moment. “What do you mean?” To continue the movie stereotype he slowly moved out of the way putting Regulus on display. He gave up trying to hide Regulus he knew he would have to eventually so he might as well rip the plaster off. “Regulus!” That was not good. Sirius was mad with confusion mixed with his tone and immediately started storming over to him, James trailing behind worried about what he would do.

“What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing at my house?- Don’t answer that I already know. They sent you didn’t they?” His voice was starting to rise, getting increasingly upset at the assumptions he made in his head. “You think I want to be here? Please, I’d never come here of my own will,” Regulus replied rolling his eyes. “Yeah, like you have free will, you just follow whatever our ‘parents’ say!” They were both yelling and there wasn’t even a ‘hello’ said yet. “What command are you following this time? Were you not good enough so they sent you to drag me back?” Even James knew that was a little harsh and he was always on Sirius’ side.
“Sirius not right now,” He tried to stop it, he knew where this was going. Sirius didn’t mean what he said he just wanted to argue, to hear himself, and to egg on Regulus. James knew this was not what Regulus needed right now as he was trying to get over almost dying. “What James- he needs to hear it,” He looks at James for a moment and turns back to Regulus who somehow manages to pull off looking entirely pissed with perfect posture. James would be impressed if he wasn’t so worried about what Sirius would say. “I don’t care what they are trying, I won’t listen to you anymore. You chose them, I chose my family- you don’t get to barge in on my family,” Sirius didn’t mean that James had personally witnessed his breakdowns and freakouts over missing, hating, and loving Regulus he wanted nothing more than for him to barge in- on his own accord. He wanted Regulus to choose to join him and be a part of his family again, but he wanted him to do it without Sirius telling him or his parents forcing him to try and bring Sirius back. “He almost drowned!” Well, James wanted to end the argument but he had a feeling that he was going to say the wrong thing. “That’s why he’s here, he almost died I brought him here, he’s not here because of your parents,” Well, double shit, Regulus now looked mad at him instead of Sirius, and Sirius was frozen. A million thoughts ran at once, mainly about how that happened and what he had just said to his baby brother. After what felt way too long, it was equal to 10 silent seconds. He looks between Regulus and James and then at Regulus again and his face falls. “Are you okay? Regulus what happened?” He now seems worried, the sign of previous aggression is gone, but not forgotten. “Nothing happened. Went for a swim, James helped, I’m going home now,” He got up able to walk easier now after having food.
He paused suddenly worried about trying to go home, what was he going to do? He wasn’t sure if he could go home anymore. He betrayed Voldemort and while his family may not have known this and wouldn’t ever find out, not having the Horcrux anymore would be a sure sign of something. He was stuck; he couldn’t go home knowing what was awaiting him, but he couldn’t possibly stay here either. Only to add- he knew he probably shouldn’t stay alone for long after almost dying since he couldn’t take care of himself in this state. He thought of Pandora but didn’t want to put that weight on her, he wasn’t willing to get that vulnerable with anyone. “Regulus- please,” Sirius says noticing the hesitation and taking it as him thinking of staying, “Don’t go, I’m sorry for what I said, please let me know you’re okay,” He sounded desperate and James walked over and put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder to help him stay grounded and not start crying right there. As each moment passed he suddenly became more and more aware that he almost lost his baby brother, and in no world did he want that. Regulus slowly turns to look at Sirius, he doesn’t know what to do. “Can I have a moment with you?” his voice was stable. Sirius nods his head James squeezes his shoulder for one last show of support and walks away. He went to sit in the dining room exploring the room and looking at the books and records as if it was the first time he’d seen them, mostly as a nervous reaction. Regulus on the other hand decided he had to be dead honest if he wanted help. He sighs and explains completely deadpan and calmly, trying to not expose as much as possible. “I had to do a mission, it went wrong and now I’m unsure what to do,” He explained casually. “I’m asking for your opinion, even though I shouldn’t trust it, I am left with no choice,” He stood tall and treated this more like a business transaction than an attempt to ask for help. Sirius stands in shock for the second time that morning, already wanting a nap, but instead, he hugs Regulus as soon as he comes to. Not for Regulus, he knew he didn’t like contact, but for him, he needed to know he was real and with him. The story of night swimming was bad enough, but the truth of this being planned and almost went through made him know Regulus was there and with him. Sirius needed to know Regulus was there, and Regulus liked being hugged more than he thought. It made many thoughts come through and he realized his actions for a second time. He almost wasn’t able to feel this ever again, now he wants to cry. He hugs him back and grabs his shirt like a kid, Sirius hugging him tighter in response. “Stay here, please. Effie and Fleamont are so sweet and would love to have you, we have extra rooms- just please Regulus. I’ll make sure they don’t find you- don’t- just don’t leave me again,” He’s stumbling and his voice is cracking, most would say they never heard Sirius Black beg, and he wasn’t the type but he was begging, begging for a second chance, begging for Regulus’s life, begging to stay together- begging for family. “Okay,” He felt like a kid again leaving his decisions to Sirius, he didn’t believe he could stay with the Potter’s and didn’t think he could ever leave his parents, but he wanted to ignore that- just for this second. He wanted to feel safe, so he let himself be comforted by Sirius. “C'est bon, je vais le réparer,”(It’s okay, I’ll fix it).