Lily doesn’t think she’s ever felt worse. Sure, she’s been through a lot, through grief, through bullying, and she’s learned to let it go over the years.
But what do you do when it doesn’t let you go? What do you do when you feel like your best friends are forgetting you? What do you do when the only way you can express your feelings is by messaging your already dead friend, telling them that you’re meeting them soon. Only to stare at the phone, at the little red letters saying ‘We couldn’t send this’ and ‘User doesn’t exist anymore’.
What do you do when you don’t wanna wake up, what do you do when you feel like shit, when you have a fever and you want the inflammation in your foot to reach your veins, reach your heart and kill you?
What do you do when you have 7 upcoming tests and you can’t concentrate for more than 2 seconds, what do you do when you don’t have the motivation because you can’t even picture making it to the testweek.
What do you do when you don’t even know if your friends remember that you’d meet up for Halloween, or for the Guts tour movie, or for literally anything.
What do you do when even music can’t calm you down, what are you supposed to do when out of nothing you miss your old friends. What do you do when you want to write your letters and end the pain.
What do you do when you wonder if people will even bother reading the letters of if they’ll just throw them away, burn them.
They wouldn’t even find Lily’s body until it’d start to rot, they wouldn’t notice the silence, and even if they did they’d just like it.
Would they tear apart her friendship bracelets to make their own, to make matching ones together, to celebrate the fact that they finally got rid of Lily.
What do you do when your mom to ‘stop making you fat’ when your grandma asks if you want something to eat? What do you do when your friends have eating disorders and you feel them dragging you down to a place you wish you never had to be, to an era in your life you just want to forget about and what do you do when you can’t just walk away from them because you gotta help.
What do you do when all you feel in a day is the need to help someone else, even if it means giving away all the pieces of your heart,
What if you feel like you have to fix other peoples hearts?
Lily has always felt the need to fix peoples hearts, to fill up that hole in their heart even when the pieces she had wouldn’t fit. She’d let her heart shatter over and over again, hoping that this time one of the tortured, beaten, broken pieces of her heart would fix theirs?
And what do you do if you feel like no matter how much you shatter your own heart, the pieces will never fit, not with anyone? What are you supposed to do when you realise that you have a disorder that makes you “Overbearing, draining and hard to deal with” (quote from Wikipedia)?
What do you when you feel everyone and everything you love slipping away from your grip, what do you do when there’s nowhere to go, what do you do when you’re stuck in a sickening loop of crying yourself to sleep and regretting the fact that you ever woke up?
What do you do when there’s holes in your memories, what do you do when you can’t enjoy a single moment merely because you don’t know if you’re ever gonna remember it anyway, what do you do when you spend your days scrolling on pinterest and seeing people have a perfect life, when you want that life, when you want their body but you can’t even get out of bed.
What do you do when your room is filled with nothing but bad memories, when you want to color the walls in a thousand colors to avoid having to look at a spot and remember staring at it trying not to cry.
What do you do when you feel like blocking everyone of your friends, hoping they'll try to reach out but knowing that they won't?
Well, dear reader, do you know what Lily could possibly do? Because right now, I myself have no idea. Right now, it feels like this might be the last thing my friends will ever hear of me.