Chapter 1
If James were to say that he hadn’t noticed the signs before, it would be a bald-faced lie. There had always been something slightly stunted in his relationship with Emmeline, but he had written it down as a side-effect of dating someone as famous as Emme was while being a relatively normal person- by his standards anyway. It wasn’t exactly easy, dating possibly the most beloved pop singer of their generation, they could hardly get a moment alone if they weren’t within the confines of their home. Or Emmeline’s home, if he wanted to be technical about it. He tried his best to contribute to the upkeep here and there but honestly, even the wealth he'd inherited from his parents’ business paled in comparison to Emmeline’s. The difference though, was that these signs should not have covered the concept of Emmeline loving him. They altered the way it could be shown, sure, but the foundation of their relationship? That should have stayed the same. How he had not noticed that distinct difference earlier was anybody's guess.
Maybe not recognising what these signs meant earlier made him foolish. Maybe it made him hopeful. It didn't really matter, all that did was the fact he didn't have the self-respect to pinpoint and tackle it earlier on. Six years in America. Nearly five years of Emmeline. That is what it had taken. Even then, it had been Emmeline who had to take the initiative because he clearly would not. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if Charity knew before him.
James had never really gotten along with Charity Burbage, they just hadn't clicked. The fact they hadn't immediately understood each other likely contributed to James’ feelings towards her; if she didn't love, or even like him, what was the point in them spending time around each other? He had tried, of course he had, for Emme’s sake. He'd put on a face of joy and understanding whenever she told a story about her and Charity from school, he had forced a smile and told himself it was important for the trust within their relationship. When Charity was invited to events he'd expected to be a date, he assured her that he was okay with it. She hadn't even done anything to him, she just…didn't like him.
Bruce said he was being dramatic, that he was jealous of sharing Emme’s attention with anybody else. To James, it sounded like a load of bullshit. He liked Bruce well enough but he wasn't exactly a genius when it came to understanding other people, so James was quick to disregard it. He found Charity annoying, sure, but he didn't hate her and he certainly wasn't jealous of her. What was there to be jealous of?
When he and Severus reached the gates of the mansion, they waited outside together to be buzzed in. Severus looked oddly happy, that too should have been a sign. He rarely looked happy around James; usually it was an expression of annoyance or disgust that coated his features when he was around. The only time he ever really seemed happy was when he was chatting to Emme or helping Charity write something. Unfortunately, he seemed to be a relatively good friend, making it difficult for James to prove that he was an obnoxious piece of shit. Luckily, James was a good enough partner to prevent Severus from managing to pull the same move on him.
Initially, Emme had attempted to persuade the two to bond over their similarities, namely the fact both of them had moved over to the States from England rather late on in life. When it became evident it was not going to happen, though, she reluctantly stepped down and gave up trying. In her words ‘if the two of you wish to be children, that is your embarrassment to own’ whatever that was supposed to mean. James didn't exactly consider it embarrassing to dislike someone as unpleasant as Severus but he didn't risk commenting on it.
Either way, Severus wasn't particularly interesting so his lack of affection for James wasn't as big a deal. It was still irritating, sure, but it was different to Charity. He enjoyed angering Severus, irritating Charity made him angry.
“Where have you been?” He drawled, not even trying to act interested in what James had been doing. James shrugged petulantly. “Intelligent.” Came the taunting reply. “I've been chasing after some very important rumours and quelling them. I suppose I won't have to bother after today.”
James was intrigued by the elusive news but pushed it down, telling himself Severus was merely trying to rile him up. He wouldn't give in, never to Severus. The two walked up to the entrance and through the doors, then Severus turned to face him with a badly disguised smirk.
“I need to speak with Emmeline if you do not mind. I trust you can find a way to keep yourself entertained in the meantime.”
“Well it is my house,” James grumbled, slouching back against the pristine white walls of the hallway. “I promise I won't draw all over my own furniture.” He flashed a grin and almost childishly traced his finger along the edge of the mirror next to him. With an unimpressed grunt, Severus turned and waltzed through the house to wherever Emmeline was, likely her study.
“Prick,” He grumbled to himself before pushing himself away from the wall and making his way to the kitchen to grab an apple. Charity had managed to rope Emmeline and Bruce into some strange diet since New Year’s Day so he no longer trusted half of what was in the fridge, even if it was apparently the exact food the Vanity’s were eating to keep them so energised all the time.
For a few moments, he stood and looked out of the window and across the city landscape, a few kilometres out from their house as if they were in their own special bubble. Emme loved it, being close enough to see everybody else while simultaneously having space to exist out of the public eye. The house was new, built just a few decades before she moved in, the perfect image of an American Minimalist piece of architecture. Even people who didn't know who it belonged to always stopped on the surrounding hill to gaze in awe at the white walls and perfect angular shaping of the building. James didn't think it was that interesting but whatever made them happy.
Once he'd had enough of staring out into the distance, he decided to find Emme and see what he could eavesdrop on from her conservation with Severus. Probably some elaborate scheme to get James out of his way for however long, knowing him. Not that James would ever dare to complain if it were the case. It would practically be an early birthday present.
On the way up the stairs, he pulled out his phone to check if Severus had been lying when he mentioned rumours about Emmeline. He first searched 'Emmeline Vance' and pressed on the News category. Nothing. He then tacked 'rumour' on the end. Still nothing. Either Severus was extremely good at his job or he'd been trying to rile James up over nothing. Strictly between James' brain and diary, one seemed a great deal more likely than the other.
By the time he had gotten to the study, Severus was already leaving. The look he gave James was either smugness or pity, he couldn't quite place it. Though the mere concept of Severus Snape feeling even a semblance of pity towards him was laughable.
“Goodbye Potter.” He nodded and swept past him, back down the stairs to the front door.
Without giving a second to think over the weirdness Severus had just displayed, James pushed the door open and smiled softly as Emmeline turned to face him, her usual confident expression switched out for one of anxiety for a split second before she managed to clear it up and roll her shoulders back so she was sitting upright. She whispered a small greeting to him and reached out a hand for him to take.
James stepped forward and softly brushed their lips together, waiting for her to come back for more; she didn't. In fact, she pulled back immediately after. It wasn't a sharp gesture, it wasn't pained or mean, it was gentle and deliberate. James was suddenly overcome with a wave of panic concerning whatever had gotten her in this morose, softened mood. He brushed his thumb over the back of her hand and felt comfort at the touch of the familiar cold metal of the engagement ring he'd gotten for her just a few months back.
“What’s wrong, Angel?” He tilted his head down, forcing her to meet his gaze. Emmeline shook her head and raised her free hand to rub her eyes in frustration. Patiently, James stayed where he was and waited for her to do something. “Come on, talk to me. Did Severus say something?”
He felt a light slap to his arm followed by a snort.
“Stop making everything about your grudge against Sev.” She chastised but her heart wasn't truly in it. At least he'd cracked a smile from her.
“He doesn't like it when you call him Sev,” Pointed out James, then remembered the mood of the situation. “Sorry. Tell me what's wrong. Media stuff?”
It wasn't a bad guess, most things troubling Emme were somehow related to the fucked up relationship she had with the public. More often than not it was all the vile journalists who somehow felt entitled to her life just because she was an artist. Only a month ago it had been somebody attempting to prove her to be a Scientologist due to her relation to her estranged grandmother, James had sat by her side for days to make sure she didn't go online and say anything stupid and Severus was up all night squashing the whole thing down. The way these people acted as if they knew her was enough to scare James away from stepping further into the public eye for good.
“No,” She stuttered and shook her head as if trying to rid it of some unwanted thought. “Yes? It's complicated, please can we just sit down so I can figure out how to do this.” The blinding artificial light of the study caused her eyes to glisten, making James want to draw her in even closer to him. Instead, he listened and led her over to the white window seat on the far side of the room, hands still clasped loosely together. They took a moment to settle, then Emmeline looked up at him and took a steadying breath.
“I think,” She took her hand back and reached out for her other hand, toying with the emerald ring before pulling it right off her finger. “I should just say it upfront.” There was a momentary pause. “I think we should call it off.” If she noticed the slight waver in her voice, she didn't let it show. She was giving James the facade she frequently presented to the public and it hurt so much that he didn't even register what she had said until she called his name to get his attention.
“Call it…the engagement? I don't understand." He floundered a little, then rushed to find a solution. "We can pause it if that's what you want, I know it's been stressful lately-”
With a pained sound that came right from the back of her throat, she reached out and grasped his hand desperately with both of her own, prying it open, placing the ring in his palm, and then pushing the metal band down into his skin until his fingers closed around it.
“No, James. Not the wedding. All of it. I can't… be with you anymore. Like this. Romantically.” When he didn't respond, she rushed to fill in the silence. “I've been thinking about it for some time. My heart isn't there and it isn't fair to either of us to pretend that it is.”
“Emme, what do you mean? This is…where is this coming from?” In a matter of seconds, James had gone from worried to frantic. His breathing quickened and he felt the nervous urge to start fiddling with his glasses. Emmeline noticed and softened her tone.
“I can't love you, James.” The confession was agonising to hear, James felt like he'd taken a physical hit as it left her lips. “You're an amazing person, I always told myself that you were the perfect partner, but I can't do it. I can't force myself to be in love with you. It's too much.”
How it was that the day had taken such a swift turn from perfect to…this was beyond James entirely. Just this morning they'd been giggling together over the new show they were watching in their bedroom. By lunch, he was being dragged away from a gaggle of Emmeline's gawking teenage fans by Evelyn so they wouldn't miss their appointment with the tailor who was fixing his suit for the premiere of one of Emme’s friends' new tour film. Had Emmeline been planning this all day without James knowing? Had this script been in the works for even longer than that? She’d said it had been a while so it must have been. How had James not noticed? He may have known that their relationship had always been a little strange, but recently there hadn't been any particularly large struggles or fights. Of course they fought, all couples did, but they were no worse than usual. He'd have noticed if they were; there was no way his rose-tinted glasses were that thick.
That could be it. Perhaps his obliviousness was the reason she didn't want him anymore. He mentally cursed himself at the thought.
“Em…”
“Shh,” She bit the inside of her cheek harshly and reached forward to push her thumb to his lips. “Don't cry, please don't cry.”
James pried her hand away and held it suspended in between them, a few inches from his heart.
“If I did something to hurt you, please just tell me. I'll fix it. Whatever it is, I'll fix it, Emme, you know I will.”
“No, don't blame yourself. Please. I'm not saying 'it's not you, it's me’ but it…well, I guess I am. You tried your best,” James was sure she intended it to be a comfort but in reality, it came out more patronising than anything. “But it isn't enough. You aren't who I want.” It was that confession that hit the hardest. Not being loved was one thing, but knowing there was somebody else who was somehow better than him? Easier to love? That was too much. If there was a God out there, he could almost hear them laughing. “I won't say I'm sorry for not wanting you because I'm not, but I am sorry for hurting you. You don't deserve to be strung along and I don't deserve to be stuck with somebody I do not love. I hope you can understand that.”
Still reeling, James scolded himself under his breath for the tears forming in his eyes and managed a small nod. Rather guiltily, he realised that he was more upset at the prospect of someone else forcing him into a place of being unloved than at losing Emmeline specifically. Maybe that was proof that this had been a long time coming. Maybe they had been drifting apart lately, and this was never too far off. The very thought made him feel nauseous. The lump in his throat grew larger. This was too much. He had to know it all, to get it over with.
“Okay. You want some other person. Who?” Emmeline didn't answer, she only looked at him with pity, waiting for the penny to drop. Tragically fast, it did. “Charity.” The name must have left his mouth with some level of resentment because Emmeline physically leaned away from him when he said it.
“James…”
He nodded and laughed to himself, begging his body not to cry. Emmeline jumped to reassure him.
“I haven't tried anything, I'm not that sort of person. I just know that it's her for me and I couldn't go on with this relationship knowing that, even if that's what they want. I'm sorry.”
“Okay. No, that makes sense. The way she looks at you, I'd fall in love too.” He kept laughing at himself and the shitty situation he had somehow found himself in until she sighed and knocked his ankle with her foot to bring him back to reality.
“James, please don't start now.” She warned, knowing that he was only seconds from either a dramatic rant or a breakdown. “Just stay sat down and let me explain.”
“No; it's not that, I'm fine. Charity is great for you. I'm happy for you. Congrats. I just have one question.”
Emmeline narrowed her eyes.
“Why a woman?” She guessed, reasonably sceptical but James couldn't help but take offence at the thought that he'd hold that sort of thing against anybody .
“How long have you known?”
She gaped a little, clearly taken aback by his choice of question. It took a little while for her to piece together an explanation.
“I don't know, really. I think I knew at school when she joined our class and nobody else seemed to understand how scary it is coming to a new country and having everything thrown at you at once…but I pushed it away. I knew that I wanted to make it in the public eye some day so I pretended it wasn't there. I told myself that I was just glad to have a friend I could really connect to. I grew up and dated boys and I told my parents she was like a sister to me because I was scared. I really managed to convince myself, James, I didn't know it could come back.” He was rendered silent by her honesty, able to do nothing but sit and stare as she poured her guts out right before him in a way she never had before, not even when he'd held her at night and begged her to tell him what was wrong. “It got worse when I got signed onto Salazar. Suddenly my heart and mind were a product to be sold to the masses, I was propped up on a stage to be giggled and adored and I had no choice but to force it away again. When I started out, they showered me in praise. They told me I was the new Britney Spears, what could I do but sell my life to please them? I told myself it had gone away and I thought it had, James, I need you to know that.”
She waited until he stiffly nodded to continue.
“I was so sure that if I pretended it wasn't real, it would disappear. But I can't stop loving her,” The tears in her eyes began to fall at long last and James longed to move forward and swipe them away with the pad of his thumb. “I can't do it to me and I can't do it to her and I can't do it to you.” The earnest tone in her voice was so thick he could do nothing but stare in shock.
“It would be cruel to force you to stay with me, wouldn't it?” He whispered. She shrugged sadly. “Can I have a moment outside?”
She nodded and stood up, opening the door for something if only to have something to do. James stepped outside and allowed himself to pace up and down the hallway, attempting to come to terms with whatever the hell was going on.
He ran through what he knew in his mind. It was a method his mum had once taught him to help him stay calm and avoid sensationalizing issues beyond the truth.
He knew that he had Emmeline's ring in his pocket. He knew that it was there because she had given it back to him. He knew that she had given it back to him because she no longer wanted to be engaged. He knew that she no longer wanted to be engaged because she was in love with Charity. He knew that this made him angry. He knew that this was because he had an 'intrinsic obsession with the concept of love and being loved' in the words of his secondary school therapist. He knew that he could not stay here without falling into insanity. He knew that he wanted his mum. Or Sirius. Either would do right now. He knew that neither of them were available, as neither were in America and his mother had been dead since his 20th birthday. He knew that this mental exercise was now making him feel worse. He knew that this was entirely his fault for pushing the boundaries of the exercise past the current issue at hand.
Realising that the method would never work, James pulled himself together and stood back outside the door to the study, mentally preparing himself to go back inside. He spent several minutes whispering the plan to himself while rolling on the balls of his feet, impatient with himself. Eventually, he went before it before he could decide to back out and pushed the door wide open, taking three calculated steps forward.
Emmeline turned around to face him, her tearful eyes and reddened cheeks now calmer than before. James closed the door behind him but did not step any closer.
"Who else knows?" Emmeline may be a private person when it comes to expressing herself to the public but within her inner circle, she had a habit of sharing anything and everything she could. James knew that one all too well.
"Severus." She provided. James had to physically fight to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "He's been helping me. Charity doesn't know. Well, she may have her suspicions but she hasn't said anything."
"Okay." James turned that over in his mind. "Are you going to make a move? Now it's over with me?"
She shook her head.
"I don't know yet. I think I need to let myself think about it for a while. But I hope to in the long run, even if we choose to keep it quiet."
James did not know how to respond to that. He waited until the idea had drifted from the air and then chose to ask what he truly wanted to know.
"What do I do now? Do I stay or am I being kicked out?" She frowned, so he clarified what he meant. "Not here," He waves his hands at their surroundings. "I mean the house in general. I doubt you want me hanging around like a parasite for much longer."
"I won't force you out before you're prepared, that would be cruel." Always the carer, Emme.
James bit at the skin around his nail nervously.
"I think I want to go back to London." He eventually admitted. Emmeline nodded and walked over to him, sitting in the seat closest to him.
"I had a feeling that may be the case." She told him. "I can get Severus to book you a flight as soon as you like." James looked at her sadly. "Tomorrow morning, I take it?" He smiled thankfully.
"Thank you, Emme." She smiled back and stood, gesturing for him to follow. He did, and she took him upstairs to the hallway containing their bedroom. At first, he didn't know what she was trying to suggest, and the two of them stood in silence in the middle of the hallway, beige carpet prickling uncomfortably at the bottom of James' feet. He'd never liked it, he'd always found it unnecessarily sharp but Emme insisted upon it being better for the hardwood floors in the long run. Something about spills and gradual erosion.
"I assume you'll be wanting to sleep in a guest room tonight?" When James nodded, she directed him towards one of them, the one they usually hosted Emmeline's parents in when they came to visit. He slowly walked towards the door and she hovered by the staircase. "Goodnight, James, I'm sorry."
"'Night," He returned, having to remind himself that he could no longer kiss her goodnight or tell her that he loved her.
It was strange. He had never had a breakup quite like this before. He'd dealt with angry fights and sobbing in pillows and desperate longing but this one felt almost like a breath of semi-clean air after so long of breathing in smoke. It hurt but it felt as though it was already half-healed. He didn't know what to do with that information.
Instead, he awkwardly exchanged a final smile with Emmeline and made his way inside the guest bedroom, instantly pulling out his phone to call Sirius. Before he could, he saw a text from Emmeline.
'Booked. Thank Sev.' Followed by a screenshot of the flight details. Then 'You'll find someone'. He opened the text so she'd know he'd seen it before clicking on Sirius' contact and calling him. He picked up after less than two rings.
"Hey," He greeted, trying to cover the emptiness in his voice.
"James! Do you have any idea how early it is over here? How are you doing? You haven't called in over a week you ugly fucker."
James allowed himself to smile at the familiarity.
"Yeah, I'm good." He paused. "Actually, it's pretty shit," He laughed. Sirius took a few seconds to respond, and when he did he sounded concerned.
"What happened? You alright?"
“You'll probably see it everywhere in a couple of hours, I bet Severus has had the permissions for the article typed up for months. He'll be telling every journalist in the States before the sun comes up.” Grumbling at the name, Sirius urged him on. James gave himself a few moments before answering, trying to keep his voice as stable as possible.
"Emme just broke up with me." It was strange. He had expected it to be harder to say. It had felt wrong but not agonisingly painful. Thinking it was a joke at first, Sirius laughed. Then seemed to notice James not laughing along and fell silent. James waited.
"Shit, you mean it? She dumped you?" James frowned at the use of the word 'dumped' as if they were teenagers in their first relationships. "What happened? She didn't cheat, did she? Did you cheat on her? James, you know I love you but I swear-"
“No, it's not that, I didn't do anything. I mean, you know I'd trust you to hide a body,” He smiled as Sirius cackled across the line. “But I really don't think it's my place to say. Just…can I come home?” Home. It felt strange to say, England hadn't been home for a while now. Though now he felt sick for it more than he ever had before.
He heard a deep sigh followed by muffled whispering, maybe to Peter, maybe to Remus, he wasn't too certain. They'd all agreed to be housemates after Sixth Form due to their so called 'unnatural codependency' so it was pretty much a 50/50 split between either of them.
“Hey, of course you can," Sirius assured. The worry in his voice was evident, but so was the confusion at James' calmness in the fact of such terrible news. "Pete says you're a dumb twat for needing to ask. And that he'll tidy the house for when you get back." There was the glitchy sound of a squabble. "He says it's Remus' job. Really shows how little he cares about you, doesn't it?" Another loud sound. "Alright, alright. Tell you what, we'll meet you at the airport. I'm assuming you'll be going to Heathrow?" James hummed the affirmative. "Perfect. Don't get me wrong, I love visiting the sunny beaches of California but we've been waiting for you to come to us for years,” James could hear the smile in his voice and the homesickness grew thicker, he had to fight away the urge to cry. “When are you leaving?”
“Early tomorrow. Or today for you, I guess. Severus already got me onto a flight apparently. I think they knew I'd want to come back,” He paused to think. “Or he did it behind Emme’s back to get me as far away from him as possible as soon as he had a chance. Anyway, I should be back by…you're 7 hours ahead right?” Sirius hummed an affirmative. “Okay, so that would be 11:30 PM your time. You really don't have to meet me there-”
“Fuck off, we've already decided. See you then. You need anything?”
“No. I'm fine. Thank you.” He smiled at the sound of all three of his friends wishing him a good night without a drop of pity in their voices and hung up. He tried to stop his mind from whiffing but it only got faster and faster. He was going home, to London. By the time he got back, the whole world would know about Emmeline calling it off. What would happen to him then? Would he simply fade into the background or would the fans hunt him down? Would they know he was in London? Most of his friends were in or around London so it was probably an easy guess. Would Bruce be able to convince Severus to keep it covered up?
He groaned, threw his phone down on the guest bedroom floor and forced himself to think hopefully about London. London, where the boys were. Where he had lived for the few years between leaving school and moving to LA. Where he'd gotten his phone nicked within a week of moving in and still got lost trying to navigate the various piss-scented streets of. London, about a half an hour train journey from Lily and Pandora, fourty minutes from Marlene. Dorcas was there. Evan and Barty were nearby. He wondered if Regulus was still staying in the Black family home.
Fuck.
How could he have forgotten about that? Regulus was in London. Sirius’ Regulus. ‘It wasn't serious was it?’ Regulus. In London. A ten-minute tube from James and the boys’ home.
In an unfortunate turn of events, any hint of peace he had created instantly fell apart and his mind began to spiral once more. As if returning to his hometown with an Emmeline-shaped bullet wound in his chest, he had to deal with that unresolved bullshit too. Someone out there really had it out for him.
He brushed his teeth and forced himself to have a warm shower in order to relax his muscles before bed. When he made his way back into the bedroom, the screen of his phone had lit up from the ground with a new notification from Evelyn, secretly James’ favourite of Emmeline’s bodyguards.
Evs: Hey Jay. Severus told me and Bruce what happened.
Of course he had, the spiteful shit. If it weren't for the man’s unwavering loyalty to his friends, James would have half a mind to believe he'd told them before it had even happened.
Evs:We're both really sorry, you know you're like a brother to us. Not that Bruce would ever admit to it. Edmund has been typing on the gc for five minutes but I assume he’s gonna say hes sorry too
We’ll take you to your flight tomorrow. Edmund is staying incase Emme needs to make an emergency appearance. You're going commercial to make it seem more inconspicuous. Severus’ logic, not mine. Meet you at the gates at 5.
Hope you're doing okay.
A few seconds passed. The final notification disappeared.
Evs: It gets better. I'll get you a coffee tomorrow to make up for the fact I'm shit with emotions.
With a sad smile, James reacted with a heart emoji -black to seem less sappy- then switched off his phone and plugged it into the wall. Despite his numbness regarding Emmeline, he barely managed to get a few hours of sleep.