Chapter 6
When Y/N woke up she knew it was going to be a bad day. Seeing Sirius on the Astronomy tower the night before had left her crying in bed until nearly sunrise. Helping people was supposed to be her thing. She had claimed it and wore it like a badge of honor yet she had nearly let a student kill themselves. As it was she only stopped him by sheer dumb luck. If she hadn't checked the tower that night she'd be waking up to a death announcement. Somehow she dragged herself out of bed.
- - -
When she got to the Great Hall in the morning there were excited murmurs and chatter. A few moments of lurking by some 3rd year girls from Huffelpuff told her that Sirius Black had showed up to breakfast with Slytherin robes folded in his arms and there had been wild speculation about who's they were.
Sighing internally she headed over to the Gryffindor table and slid onto a bench next to the Marauders who were significantly more quiet than usual. It took Remus a moment to look up from his fussing over Sirius and see her. When they made eye contact she gave him a smile.
"Good morning boys." The rest of the group looked over and she saw the intense emotions flickering in their eyes. Peter and James were worried but also relieved and grateful. Remus was almost pure worry and Sirius wouldn't look at her or anyone it seemed. He was intensely focused on pushing his food around on his plate. Remus spoke first.
"I suppose we should thank you." She waved it off.
"Don't bother. I just came by to check on you guys and grab my robes. I heard Sirius brought them." Sirius nodded and handed over the robes, only Y/N heard him whisper.
"Thanks." She smiled at him slightly and murmured quietly.
"Even for the note I left?" She had left a small note in the dormitory, just saying that she had found him on the Astronomy Tower the night before. She was sure it went over real well with the rest of the Marauders. His lips twitched slightly.
"Maybe not for the note, I woke up to Remus crying hysterically while he did his best to squeeze me to death." She glanced over at Remus and smirked.
"I can see it." She straightened and spoke loud enough for the rest of the group to hear. "Well, I best be off, see you guys later." She stood and as she donned the robes and swept out of the hall she heard the envious whispers from other girls and even a few boys.
If only they knew what she was really doing the night before.
- - -
On a whim instead of going to her first class early like she usually did Y/N veered to the Library and wandered through the bookshelves, not sure what she was looking for. A few moments later she found out as muffled curses and a loud thud rang through the silent library. She headed toward the sound and found a first year Ravenclaw glaring at a large textbook that she had apparently thrown. When the girl saw her she immediately looked horrified.
"I'm so sorry, I just, I'm so sorry please don't give me detention." She gave the girl a reassuring smile and picked up the book.
"Impressive throw, you should try out for Quidditch when you can, they could use a good Chaser." The girl hesitantly smiled back.
"Oh, okay. Can I... can I have the book back? I have a test later today and I really can't fail this one." Y/N held it out and she took it.
"What's your name?" The Ravenclaw hesitated.
"Emy."
"Are you having trouble studying Emy?" She nodded slightly looking at the floor. "Do you want help? I know some things that can help." She looked up, shocked.
"Really? You'd help?" Y/N laughed.
"Why so surprised?" Emy glanced at her robes for a fraction of a second.
"Well I..."
"You know, not all Slytherins are as mean as they like to say." The girl looked scared again.
"I didn't say-"
"It's quite alright, here, sit, let me see what you're working on." They both sat at one of the nearby tables and Emy slid the book towards her open to a page on using offensive spells, and she pointed towards the subsection on Expelliarmus.
"I don't get it." Y/N nodded.
"I remember this. Have you guys practiced casting it yet?" The girl made a miserable sound and buried her face in her hands.
"I can't do that either. I read and I read and I just don't get it!" Y/N just shook her head.
"Listen, you can't just read. A lot of new students make that mistake. Reading only gets you so far. You have to practice and you have to fail."
"But the test-"
"Emy."
"I'm going to fail and-
"Emy."
"I don't have anywhere else to go-"
"Emy!" She went silent and stared up at her.
"Grab your wand and stand up."
"What?" Y/N rose.
"You heard me. Grab your wand." Emy stood and pulled her wand out. "Good. Now, I want you to forget every single thing you've learned about casting spells."
"What?" She ignored her.
"You need to ignore every obscure rule for casting. Magic doesn't come from the wand. It doesn't work by doing the right motions with a stick. It doesn't work by saying the right words. It comes from you. So think about what exactly you want the magic to do. Imagine the results in your mind." Emy stared at her for a moment.
"Okay."
"Do you see it?" She nodded.
"Okay, now, use your wand, hold it however it feels natural and try to disarm me." Emy shifted her grip from the standard hold to a more comfortable grip and relaxed visibly. She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them she flicked her wand at Y/N and her wand went spinning out of her hand and landed several feet away. She stared for a moment in complete shock before she started jumping up and down.
"I did it, I did it! I've never done it! I did it!" Y/N laughed and retrieved her wand.
"You did! And you did it nonverbally too. That usually requires years of training the 'normal' way." She put air quotes around normal. "That's incredibly impressive. Skills like that will take you far." She glanced at a clock. "Do you want to try a couple more times before class?" Emy's face lit up.
"Oh, can I?" She nodded.
"Go ahead."
- - -
Y/N casually wandered up next to Sirius, who was standing against a halfway wall looking quite lost, before her second class.
"So, how's being fussed over been treating you?" He jumped slightly.
"How long have you been standing there?" She shrugged.
"Just a minute. How are you holding up?" He considered the question.
"I'm doing okay I think. It's a lot, Remus has practically been glued to my side, he just left like two minutes ago to give detention to some Slytherin that tried to hex a first year. Regulus even came up to me after breakfast, told me he'd miss me, did you talk to him?" Y/N nodded.
"We talk most nights, I had to hold him down so he wouldn't run off to see you right then and there. He cares about you a lot, I hope you know that. They all do." Sirius nodded.
"I know. I'm sorry for the rumors by the way." She waved a hand dismissively.
"Don't worry about it, I have enough of those going around already, what's one more?" She paused. "Besides, this one's almost a compliment."
"Really?" She nodded.
"Yes really, in most social circles you're considered quite a prize." Remus chose that moment to reappear at his side.
"What's considered quite a prize?" Sirius almost smirked.
"I am apparently." Remus nodded in agreement. Y/N grinned.
"See? Told you. I better be off though, I'm about to be late and I can only use the 'I was giving detention' excuse so many times." She turned and hurried off.
- - -
Y/N sat in a secluded area of the library during lunch, hiding behind a large book while trying furiously not to cry.
Stupid, so stupid. Parading around like she was better than everyone else, like she had her life together. Like she knew what she was doing.
"Y/N?" She lowered her book and saw Peter standing a few paces away. She smiled.
"Peter, it's been awhile, do you want to sit?" He shook his head.
"No, I just wanted to come say thank you." She gave him a slightly confused look.
"For what?"
"For helping me, saving Sirius."
"Ah."
"I mean you don't have to do any of this. But you do, and it's really nice. The girl Remus went to save from the Slytherins earlier? He had to save them from her. Sent them both flying into a wall. Was singing your praises. Apparently you helped her this morning in the library." She smiled.
"Emy, yeah, great kid, tons of talent." Peter nodded.
"I'm getting distracted but, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done."
"Of course." Peter nodded several times before he took a few paces back.
"I'll let you study now."
- - -
Y/N had been low before, hell she'd even stood on the edge before but she always knew it'd pass in a day or so. This low wasn't passing. It had been a week since she had talked Sirius down from that ledge and she still felt terrible but she still managed to stay on routine.
Get up, check on her adopted children (as she had taken to calling them) at breakfast, try and pay attention during lessons, hide in the library during lunch, make sure Sirius was still okay, try and pay attention to more lessons, check up on her children again during dinner, struggle through her homework, talk with Regulus, and then wander the corridors aimlessly until the wee hours of the morning.
Y/N was slipping. And she knew it. It wasn't going to get better this time. Which is why on the seventh day she found herself writing letters during dinner instead of checking up on everyone. Not everyone she talked to and helped was going to get a letter, that was a sad fact of life, she couldn't write a letter to nearly a third of Hogwarts. She tried to focus on those who she talked to regularly and would probably take it the hardest. Peter, Remus, James, Regulus, Sirius, Emy. That sounded like a good list. Pulling out a sheet of parchment she started writing.
Peter,
I'm really bad at telling people things outright so I'll just say this. I'm going to miss our chats. Just remember that. I know sometimes it's hard to fit in with everyone else when they seem so much more interesting. Just know that I loved hearing about your herbology facts and your hopes and dreams. I'm sorry.
- Y/N
James,
I'm only on letter number two and I already hate them. I'll just say a couple things. Remember to breathe. I hope you get to be a great Quidditch player like you always hoped and I hope that you realize how great you already are. I'm sorry.
- Y/N
Emy,
I started crying when I realized your letter was next. I have so many things to tell and not nearly enough room. So much knowledge I want to share. So little room. So here's what I think is most important. Remember that your worth comes from within. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are worth less than the whole world. You are an amazing young woman with so much potential. You got this.
- Y/N
Sirius,
It's funny you know, when you were up on the ledge about to throw away your life I could think of a million reasons why it’s a bad idea. Now I can't think of a single one to save myself. Remember that you're amazing. Remember not to let anyone tell you otherwise. Remember that so many people love you. Talk to your brother. He'll need you. You need him.
- Y/N
Regulus,
Just make sure to take care of yourself. Do your affirmations. Remember that you're someone with so much worth and that you don't deserve all that pain. Talk with your brother, he needs you and he can help you. I'm sorry to leave you without someone to confide in.
- Y/N
Remus,
You're my last letter, probably because I have so much to ask of you. I know it's not fair of me to ask you for anything but I have to anyway. Look after them will you? Look out for all those that hurt. Please. I tried so hard to hold on for all of them but it's not getting better anymore. I know it's a lot, just remember what I told you. You can see it in their eyes. You're probably saying that you didn't see anything in mine. There was something that I didn't tell you that night. It's when the eyes go blank that hope is gone. It's when the light dies that you have to watch. Watch the light please. Don't let anyone else suffer. You're the only person I can trust with this. Please.
- Y/N
With that Y/N folded each letter and wrote a name on the front. She scrawled a quick apology to the staff as well, for all the trouble they'd have to go through with her dying at Hogwarts. Then she stood. She had to move, if someone found her she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep it together.