Chapter 4
It was the night before the 27th of March. The night before James’s birthday. On that day, he barely saw Regulus. They saw each other on Friday, and Regulus mentioned that he wanted to get all of his weekend homework done on Saturday so that he was completely free on Sunday. James accepted this and allowed Regulus to be alone to study.
Regulus not being free allowed James’s Saturday to be completely open, he had no plans and wasn’t sure what any of his friends had planned for the day.
During breakfast, James sat together with Peter, Lily, Marlene, Mary, and a surprising new addition, Dorcas, who had recently become close to Marlene. Dorcas was a Slytherin in their year, and because of the rivalry between Gryffindors and Slytherins, James didn’t expect to see a Slytherin sitting at their table. But then again, James never imagined he would fall in love with a Slytherin either, so he can’t exactly judge the situation.
The girls were all having their conversations, so James tried to start a conversation alone with Peter. It had been a while since it had been just the two of them, but once James started talking, it seemed as if Peter wasn’t all that interested in the conversation. He would reply with short, quick answers and never continue the conversation; it almost seemed like he was annoyed and trying to find a way to escape. James gave up on trying to talk with him quickly, and instead, they both sat quietly and finished their breakfast. Before James could finish, Peter had already cleaned up his plate and dashed out of the great hall without another word. This reaction left James confused, but instead of overthinking, he glanced over at the table across the hall where he saw Regulus.
Regulus was sitting together with his usual friends. He didn’t have that many, Regulus claimed that he had too many, but his main friends consisted of two Slytherin boys in Regulus’s year named Barty and Evan, and then a Ravenclaw girl who incidentally was also Evan’s twin sister named Pandora. From afar, it seemed as if the two boys were having a very intense conversation with one another, they were laughing and throwing food towards each other, which clearly seemed to annoy Regulus, who had his notebooks and homework spread around him. Regulus was clearly intent on finishing all his homework on Saturday, just like he told James he would. At the same time, it seemed as if Pandora was either talking to herself or having a very one-sided conversation with Regulus. It didn’t seem to bother her anyway; she continued to talk, moving her hands excessively whilst trying to make her point, and it seemed as if she could continue talking forever.
Regulus has mentioned before that Pandora felt like his best friend. It seems like such an odd pair. A girl who sees the positive side of every situation compared to a boy who only sees the negative side of situations, but maybe that’s why they balance each other out so well.
It wasn’t generally unusual to see Regulus so focused on his work. Regulus was very academically smart, and he also strived to do well in all his classes. Still, James realised after a while that Regulus honestly didn’t enjoy doing all his work that much and would often procrastinate till the very last minute. This may be why Regulus was doing work at the breakfast table, James wasn’t sure how behind he was.
After dozing off in that general direction, James ended up feeling Marlene press up beside him; it shocked James out of his lovesick haze. “Well, who were you just admiring?” Marlene said in a tone of curiosity and playfulness. She was now looking in the direction James was looking at, which had a clear path right towards Regulus.
What Marlene said suddenly pulled the attention of all the other girls at the table, especially Mary, who decided to get up beside James as well in order to spy on a certain person. In Mary’s usual teasing tone, she said, “Does James have a little crush?” She said the word "crush" in an especially teasing way, as if they were kids and annoying each other over a friendship between the opposite sex.
James could feel his face get red, and his cheeks started to feel hot. He wasn’t sweating, but if he was sitting there any longer, he would surely start to feel his shirt stick to his back. “I just dozed off! I wasn’t looking at anyone.” James said. He hoped he sounded convincing enough, but even if he did, he knew the girls wouldn’t bother believing him. All three of them, excluding Dorcas, who was just sitting in her seat watching the show, were now crowded around James, with Mary and Marlene on both sides and Lily standing behind him. James felt the need to hide himself away, although all three girls were crowding him so much that he was pretty hidden anyway.
“Well, I can see a few girls that way, but no one specifically,” Lily said. She was the most logical out of all three and was clearly trying to think rationally in order to come up with a conclusion.
“I see, Pandora,” Dorcas said without even looking backwards. James wasn’t sure how she knew where they were all looking, but based on the fact that they were all looking in one specific direction, he also didn’t believe it would be very difficult to figure out.
It was then Mary who commented on that. “Ok, James, I see you. Not your usual, but she’s pretty. And she’s nice!”
“How would you know if she’s nice?” Marlene exclaimed
“I’ve seen her talk to other people!”
Marlene rolled her eyes at this, clearly dismissing Mary’s absurd claims. From what James heard from Regulus, he does know that Pandora is a nice girl. She has her weird moments and controversial beliefs, but apart from that, she has always been a nice person.
Some days, James is glad that his friends don’t know about his dating preference. Some days being, especially this day, when all of his friends are in search of a pretty girl when, James’s eyes are only set on a pretty boy. James only realised after Mary said, “Uh oh, we’ve been caught.” That Regulus and his friends had all turned their heads towards them.
Regulus was now giving James a confused look, Pandora was smiling and waving nicely (which made Mary giggle beside him), and Barty and Evan looked both amused, annoyed, and confused. James tried his best to tell Regulus through facial expressions that he was sorry and confused as well. Before James knew if that worked or not, he quickly pushed his chair back, allowing all three girls to quickly back away from him, and walked away from the table. It left the girls confused, but James didn’t have the energy to talk about it. He knew they were just going to assume that he felt embarrassed about the fact that they figured him out, but James knew they didn’t know the half of it, and he wasn’t going to bother explaining himself.
Once he left the table, he started walking back towards his dorm room; he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the day ahead of him, he knew it would be one of those days where he just had to push through till the end.
James liked to have some days to himself, but he didn’t have many of those. He was often surrounded by his friends, which he loved, but James came to realise that his social battery wasn’t as long as he originally thought. He would get drained often and then completely shut down. Not many people noticed if he was quiet, and if anyone did, no one said anything about it.
He hadn’t expected his dorm room to be empty once he went inside. He saw their pyjamas spread across the room in a haste to get ready that morning, although there was no need for that since there was no school. There were books and vinyls spread across the floor, most likely left there by Sirius from the previous night, which James carefully tried to toe around to avoid stepping on anything valuable.
He would like to say that his side of the room was more organised, but he has always had trouble trying to keep something clean for a long time. It was organised in his own way; he knew where every little small thing went. He had jewellery placed on his bedside table, they were all pretty spread out but had their own designated spot.
James’s organisation clearly showed who he was and how he thought. It was a clear representation of his mind, an organised mess.
Before starting the day, James laid down on his bed; there was nothing to do except than lay there. He could have put on some music, but the second he laid down, he didn’t particularly feel like getting back up.
He suddenly felt so tired; he had slept well the night before, but no matter how much James slept, he always felt tired. Maybe it was because it was still early in the morning, but when he looked at the clock in their room, it read 10 am. He realised he had a late breakfast, but he wanted the extra time to sleep in, and it isn’t as if everyone has breakfast super early on Saturdays anyway. He continued to look at the clock whilst he felt his eyes get heavy. He was going to fight the tiredness and do something productive with his free day, but by the time he fully let his eyes close, his body had already taken over and allowed him to fall into a peaceful sleep.
Once he woke up again, he hadn’t realised for how long he had slept. He tried to look back towards the clock, but his vision came back blurry. He had forgotten to take off his glasses before falling asleep and had ended up losing them whilst tossing and turning. He quickly found them again on the floor; luckily, there was no damage done. James truly wonders how his glasses don’t break as often as they should, he tends to get very careless with them.
This time, with more success, he was able to see that he slept for a good 3 hours. It was now almost 1 pm. James figured most people would be at lunch or making their way towards it. James, having only eaten a few hours before and having done nothing active, wasn’t necessarily feeling very hungry. He might go down around 4 pm for a little snack, but he wasn’t going to bother stomaching a full meal right now.
He looked around the room again, and everything seemed to look the same way it did before. He noticed that Remus’s bed, which was previously rumpled up, was now nicely made, meaning he must have walked in whilst James was sleeping. He is usually a very light sleeper, always waking up once there is even a tiny bit of light or noise. Remus is somehow able to sneak around so quietly that he has never really bothered James before when sleeping.
Whilst glancing around the room, he noticed the book beside his bedside table. It was a book Regulus had gotten him a while ago, one he liked a lot and had been wanting James to read for some time now. James has started it and is more than halfway through, but he hasn’t had much time for reading or any activities for himself lately. He picked the book up and turned to the page he was last at. In between the pages, he placed a small photo; it was the first thing he found, and he figured it would work well as a bookmark.
The photograph was of him and Regulus, taken late one evening when Regulus was asleep in James’s arms. He had never shown this photo to anyone; it was personal to him, a nice memory that he wanted to keep private and just for himself. James admired the photo for a bit before picking up where he left off. It took a while for James to remember what was happening in the story, but in no time, he was able to continue.
Reading had always been a pleasure of James, one that not many people would expect. Books had been around throughout his whole childhood. Being an only child often meant that he would have a lot of time to himself, sometimes even too much. James would refuse to read any books, generally having no interest in going down that road, but late one evening, he had found a book in his dad’s library and, out of boredom, started reading. He didn’t leave the library until the sun was out and the next day had started, his parents found him on the floor, enamoured with the words on the pages.
Since then, he spent all his time in his dad’s library, reading books from romances to classics and even history, although that wasn’t his favourite genre. He could so easily get lost in the pages and imagine a life far better than the one he was living. He would imagine these characters in his own life and what it would mean to live in a fantasy world. It made James feel more like himself; he liked to get lost in these pages, and he liked to imagine these lives.
Time seemed to pass faster when he was reading, and before he knew it, everyone was already going down to dinner. He only realised once Peter and Remus walked in. They quietly stood by the door, watching with confused faces at James and his activity, but chose not to comment on it. They quickly grabbed some of their things, not saying much apart from the occasional “sorry’s” when they tried to walk past each other in the messy room. Remus had already left the room after grabbing a jacket; Peter was about to follow him out the door when he turned around back to James and said, “You coming down for dinner?”
James was about to refuse, not feeling like eating or getting up from his comfortable state. But he knew he should eat something since he never ended up getting his 4 pm snack. He put the photo back between the pages, now almost done with the lengthy book, and carefully placed it back on his bedside table.
Dinner wasn’t all that entertaining, he sat together with his friends but didn’t engage much in the conversations, not like there were many. He just stared at his plate, trying to look focused on eating instead of talking. Occasionally, he would glance at the table on the far end of the room, where Regulus always sat in his line of vision. They never did it intentionally, but it almost seemed like their consciousness made them sit that way.
The girls were all sitting next to them again, having a more entertaining conversation than any of the boys were. Occasionally, one of the girls would glance over, clearly wondering why they were all being quiet. No one said anything about it, no one apart from Mary, who obviously had no regard for the situation and was just curious about what caused this tension in their friend group. In all honestly, James wasn’t sure what caused it either, so when Mary asked, he wasn’t sure what to say.
“You guys are being weirdly quiet. You all either got hexed into not talking, and if that’s the case, I need to thank the person who hexed you guys, but if some kind of argument happened, then I need the details now because the tension you guys are radiating is spreading.” None of the boys talked for a while; they all heard what Mary said, but no one had the guts to talk first.
Peter ended up talking first, saying, “I think we are all just tired.” It was a quick lie that impressed James. Peter usually wasn’t able to lie or make things up on the spot. Mary chose to accept this response and not push on the issue anymore.
After dinner, all four boys walked back to the room together, none of them talked, not even Remus or Sirius said anything to each other, which was even more unusual. Once they got to their rooms, everyone collectively walked towards their beds, where James sat down against his headboard as he watched his friends roam around the room, everyone getting ready in silence. Sirius decided to pick up the vinyls and books he left scattered across the room, dropping them all on his bed instead of placing them on their designated shelves. Remus took his pyjamas and went to go change in the bathroom; Peter didn’t care as much as Remus, so he changed in the room. Sirius had also gotten his pyjamas and quickly threw them on before joining Remus in the bathroom to presumably brush his teeth. Once both boys came back out, Sirius went straight for Remus’s bed without a second thought. They closed the curtains to their bed and cast a silencing spell around it to block out any noise. Peter had come back from the bathroom after brushing his teeth and also closed his bed curtains before soundly falling asleep.
James was still sitting against the headboard of his bed. The room was now dark and silent. James stared in front of him and didn’t dare to move. Whilst sitting there, he recollected the day, from the moment he woke up to the present. He recollected every activity he did, every word he said, and every word everyone else said to him. He realised that out of the three boys in the room, none of them had said anything to him all day. They had seen each other, sat with each other, and had a few conversations, but none of them had directly said anything to him apart from when Peter asked him if he was coming down for dinner.
He was now questioning if going down for dinner was a good idea, partially because he could feel his meal swirl around in his stomach and threaten to come up, but also because it didn’t seem like his friends truly wanted him there. It was a sudden shift in their attitude towards him that James had completely missed.
James tried to push his thoughts away, although they were threatening to spill. He hadn’t had an out-of-control relapse in months, all he wanted to do was calm down and take back control of his body and mind. He looked back at the book on his bedside table and debated whether to continue reading or to get a little sleep before he had to inevitably wake up. It was Marauders’ tradition that they all woke each other up at midnight to wish a happy birthday. It killed their spirits and made the mornings even more tiring, but it had started in their first year and continued that at this point, it was expected. James wanted to read until midnight in the hope that his friends had just chosen to ignore him all day today because they had planned something for his birthday. James could only hope.
He picked up the book, admiring the photograph once more before starting to read again. This time he didn’t get sucked into the book the same way he was before. Whilst reading, there was this lingering thought that as time passed, none of his friends would wake up and wish him a happy birthday. Midnight was nearing, and none of his friends had stirred or checked to see if James was asleep yet or not.
He can remember only a few weeks before when he, Sirius, and Peter had stayed up till midnight to wish Remus a happy birthday. A few minutes before, all three of them had popped their heads between their curtains like partners in crime; they made sure Remus was asleep before they each grabbed a party popper. Whilst looking at the clock, they all counted down until the clock struck 12, and it was officially the 10th of March. Remus was incredibly annoyed at them but smiled once he saw all of his friend's gleeful faces.
It was now mere seconds before midnight. James had lost all of his attention, he couldn’t focus on the book in his lap anymore and instead watched as the small clock handle ticked closer to the larger one. The small handle did one more clockwise turn before both handles ticked together.
It was officially Sunday, the 27th of March. James waited a few more seconds, hoping to hear one of his friends move around, but there was no movement behind either curtain. The small handle and large handle on the clock collided again; it was 1-minute past midnight.
It was the first time in all their years at Hogwarts that they had broken the tradition. It hurt James to know that it was because of him and on his birthday. James had never liked his birthday all that much; he would always put so much effort into throwing the most amazing parties when he was younger. No matter how much he tried, something always went wrong, and at some point, his birthday got overshadowed to the point that most people would only remember about it a few days before.
James had watched the clock turn for a few more minutes, and decidedly, when the clock struck 10 minutes past midnight, he decided that his friends wouldn’t wake up anymore with a heartachingly painful feeling, he carefully stored his book back on his bedside table. He grabbed his pyjamas, which he still hadn’t put on, and walked towards the bathroom to get changed. He didn’t turn on the light for fear that he would see his own reflection. Once he was ready, he turned back towards his bed, this time drawing the curtains and trying his best to fall asleep. He isn’t sure how long he tossed and turned before he fell into a restless sleep.
It almost felt like he stayed awake the whole night once the sun rose again, and he started hearing the familiar steps of his friends walking around the room. There were a few whispers here and there, none that James comprehended before he heard the door open and close a few times. The steps stopped, and the room became quiet again. He was once again left alone and forgotten in his room.
It was still early in the morning, James realised by the amount of light coming from the windows in the room. He had this dread of waking up, of getting out of the warmth of his bed. He was comfortable now and could let the bedsheets pull him back to sleep instead of having to stand up and face the day that would surely end badly, just like all his other birthdays had.
The only thing that was still allowing him to pull through was Regulus. James was looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what he had planned for the day. He lay in bed for a few more minutes, waiting for time to pass until he felt stable enough to get out of bed. The floor was cold when he placed his bare feet on the wooden panels. James scavenged through his clothes to find a decent pair of pants with a hoodie. He didn’t bother to put a shirt on underneath his hoodie and hoped that he would stay warm enough throughout the day.
He put on his shoes and started making his way towards breakfast. Based on how awful he felt, he wasn’t sure how he was looking. He was so tired and drained, even though he had barely done anything the day before. The hallways were weirdly quiet; there were so many people, and they were all having their own conversations. James knew they were being loud, but the sound was blocked out because all he could hear were his own thoughts and a constant ringing in his ear that was exaggerated by his breathing. He held his breath whilst walking, hoping it would somehow bring the noise back, but it didn’t seem to work, so James let the noise drift away.
He didn’t realise how hungry he was until he sat in his usual spot and saw the piles of food spread around him. He was so hungry, but his consciousness only allowed him to place a select amount of food on his plate. No matter how much he wanted to eat, he knew he couldn’t, not in the state he was currently in.
He fiddled with the food on his plate, poking holes in the sausages and drawing smiley faces with the runny egg yolk. It was only after a while that he realised he was sitting all alone at the table. His friends were nowhere to be found. James wasn’t sure how long he left the room after them, but he figured they would be going straight to breakfast and that they would meet each other there. James still had a slight bit of hope that they would wish him a happy birthday during their meal, but they were nowhere to be seen, and he doubted that they would still show up.
All the noise around him was still filtered out, it allowed James to continue being in his head, although he wasn’t thinking much. He then felt a slight tap on his shoulder, which made him flinch away. “No need to get scared, it’s just me.” The voice said. James was just able to hear it; the voice was warm and kind. He turned around and saw Lily standing behind him with a bright smile on her face, a complete juxtaposition from his own sombre expression.
“Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you to show up,” James said whilst Lily took the place next to him and started piling her plate up with multiple different foods. She filled her cup with a generous amount of coffee and offered some to James, which he gratefully accepted as he slid his cup closer to her. James is sometimes surprised by how well Lily knows him. She only fills the cup three-fourths of the way, knowing that James likes to add quite a lot of milk to his coffee.
She kindly smiled at him as she took a sip of her coffee, after placing the cup down again, she said, “Well, I had to be one of the first to wish you a happy birthday.”
“The first, actually.” James quietly whispered. Lily, who was previously supporting a gentle smile, was now smiling in a more concerted way. James had always thought Lily would be an amazing mother. She has that motherly smile and comfort that comes so naturally to her; she has this habit of taking care of people and doing it so effortlessly. Based on James’s quiet comment, she could tell something was off, and she also knew, based on his quiet comment, that she shouldn’t ask about it. James appreciated this because no matter how badly he wanted to talk, he knew he wouldn’t be able to.
Time passed in comfortable silence, James had given up on trying to finish his breakfast, so instead, both he and Lily quietly drank their coffees. After a while, James heard three pairs of footsteps walk towards them. Once they stopped, he watched as his three friends pulled the chairs in front of him away to make enough room for them to sit. Without saying a word, all three of them placed some food on their plates and dug in, eating like hungry animals who had been starving for the past few months.
None of them said anything for a while, which confused James even harder, and he noticed Lily was confused as well. He knows that Lily has noticed a tension between the four boys, but even if she were to ask what was going on, James wouldn’t be able to give her an answer, so instead, James continued to finish his drink. Automatically, his eyes drifted towards Regulus again, but this time, the boy was looking back at him. He had a warm smile on his face before Regulus abruptly stood up from his seat.
James watches from afar as Regulus starts to walk away. The one thing James didn’t realise was that Regulus wasn’t just leaving the room, he was walking towards his table and stopped right next to him. James knew everyone was looking at him and Regulus by the silence and whispers that now surrounded them.
James had to refrain from smiling smugly and lovingly towards Regulus, which was incredibly difficult, seeing as it had almost become a reflex at this point. James examined Regulus, and that’s when he saw the parcel clutched between both his hands.
“Happy birthday, James,” Regulus said, almost a whisper but still loud enough to be heard by anyone nearby. He outstretched his hand and gave the parcel to James, who gratefully cradled the present in between both hands. The parcel was wrapped in dark red wrapping paper and finished off with a dark green bow. It would remind most people of Christmas, but to James, it reminded him of a little piece of both him and Regulus.
Instead of saying thank you, James stood up from his seat and swung his arms around Regulus’s shoulders, holding him tight in his embrace. It felt like time stopped for a few good seconds before James felt Regulus slowly bring his arms around James’s waist, pulling both boys deeper into the hug.
James knew people were watching; he knew people were wondering why these two boys, who were supposedly rivals, were now standing in the middle of the great hall sharing a hug much longer than they should have been.
They pulled apart after a few minutes, and James accepted the parcel from Regulus. “Thank you.” He told him he would thank him more later on when they were alone. He would have asked Regulus to sit with him for a while whilst he finished his drink, but he wasn’t sure how well his friends, or even Regulus, would react to that. He quickly grabbed his cup and downed whatever was left as fast as he could, whilst placing the cup down again, he made slight eye contact with Sirius, who was sitting in front of him.
James noticed the recognition that settled into Sirius’s face. James didn’t know if there was a hint of guilt as well, but he chose not to care. At this point, the day has been too long, and his friends have had enough opportunities to wish him a happy birthday, but none of them have made the effort. Now that Regulus was beside him, he was more confident. This confidence is what led him to say, “I guess I’ll see you guys tonight if you finally decide to stop ignoring me.”
It was a rude comment, James realises. He also sees how angry it makes Sirius. Instead of doing anything about it, James grabs Regulus’s arm and walks them both away from their table.
After they walked through the halls for a bit, James still holding onto Regulus' arm but having loosened his grip a little, Regulus tells him, “Is now a good time to tell you that I don’t have much planned for today?”
James barely has to consider this before saying, “As long as I'm with you, it's gonna be a perfect day anyway.”
Regulus slightly smiled because of this but clearly didn’t want to give James the satisfaction. “ How was your day yesterday?” James ended up asking after a few more minutes of comfortable silence.
“Boring,” Regulus replied. He could have expected this response; Regulus had told him that he would be studying all day, so there wouldn’t have been much to say unless some big life-changing event happened in those 24 hours.
Still, James wanted to start a conversation, so he kept trying to make Regulus continue, “How come?”
As expected, Regulus replied, “Well, I finished all my homework and got some studying done as well. Nothing you really need to hear about. How was your day?”
“I read your book,” James said. It was the first thing he thought of and also one of the only things he did the previous day, apart from getting avoided by his friends, that is.
“Took you long enough.” James knew Regulus didn’t mean it in a bad way, he knew James would read the book one day and understood that the book is long and would take any normal person a while to finish.
“Well, I'm not done yet, but I'm scared for how it’ll end. I think I'm around 40 pages away from the ending.”
“A lot happens in those last 40 pages.”
“That’s what I’m scared of.”
“If you squint, it has a happy ending.”
“If I squint, all that happens is me being even blinder than I am.”
“Not literally dumbass. Just if you look past the horrible things they do to each other, you can kind of see that in all of that, they both just thought they were doing what’s best.”
“Well, I'll get back to you on that once I finish.”
“Okay.” They continued to walk the halls. James had been leading them before, but now Regulus was. James would follow him to the ends of the world, he trusted Regulus and wherever they would go. As long as he was beside him, he could walk for eternity and never get tired.
Regulus led them outside, and in all honesty, James wasn’t sure where they were going once they reached the large lake around the Hogwarts grounds. They would often walk here since they were able to hold hands without the judgmental looks of any passing students. Most people who were sitting by the lake were too busy with their own activities to notice the two boys holding hands.
James sometimes wondered what life would be like if he fell in love with a girl. It wasn’t an impossible scenario for him; he’s loved both boys and girls before. If he were with a girl, they would be able to walk around the hallways with each other, they would be able to embrace each other, and no one would bat an eye. But if he and Regulus were to do the same thing, the world would look at them with some kind of disgust. They would grimace and think how disgusting they were.
James wishes the world wasn’t built this way, and some days, he wishes he and Regulus could have what any opposite-sex couple has. But he wouldn’t have it any other way if it meant he could have Regulus. James would do anything to end up with Regulus over and over again in every universe.
They walked around the lake for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence and the cold breeze in the air. That was until Regulus pulled them both away from the lake and walked towards a secluded part of the forests that surrounded the castle. Not many people went into the forests because of all the creatures that were rumoured to live there. This, however, also had its advantages because it meant no one was there. He and Regulus wouldn’t go very often, but once in a while, when they wanted to be alone and be themselves, they would walk here and enjoy the evening.
James wasn’t sure why Regulus was bringing him into the forest until he saw a faint glow in between the trees. The forest was always foggy this year-round, which allowed everything to be slightly darker and scarier, but in the midst of this darkness, there was a light that wrapped around the trees. There was an opening at the top of the trees, which allowed the sun, which was at its highest point in the sky, to create a spotlight on the blanket and picnic basket placed on the ground.
It then clicked for James that Regulus did, in fact, have something planned. He may not have thought of it as much, but it was more than enough for James. He led them both towards the picnic blanket and sat down, gesturing for James to do the same. James eagerly sat next to Regulus and pulled him into a big hug that would have flattened the smaller boy if he hadn’t been used to it by now.
When James let go, Regulus reached for the picnic basket, pulling out multiple foods and drinks that James loved. They didn’t do much except sit there and enjoy each other’s company, but that alone made today one of the best birthdays he’s ever had.
James only got back to the Gryffindor tower later that evening, the escapade Regulus had planned for that day did indeed take the entire day.
Secretly, James was still hoping that his friends had planned something for his birthday and were now waiting for him in their dorm room with presents, snacks and pillows thrown all around the room so that all four of them could stay up all night and then be incredibly sleep deprived the next morning, but at least it would have been a fun night.
Regulus was following James back towards the Gryffindor tower. James insisted that he should just go back to his own dorm room for the night, but Regulus insisted that James shouldn’t be alone tonight, so James followed along. The usually sarcastic and mysterious Regulus had suddenly opened up a lot more around James. He had started talking more and showing that he cared more, which James didn’t think would ever happen when he first got to know Regulus, but he is happy that it did.
Both boys were walking towards the tower hand in hand, not worried about any glances from students or teachers, seeing as it was a Sunday night and most people wanted an early lie-in before the classes that took place the following morning. James did end up letting go once the painting of the Gryffindor common room opened. He expected Regulus to say goodbye and turn back around and head to his own room, but to James’s surprise, he followed him inside. Neither boy expected to see all of James’s friends lounging around by the fireplace.
Sirius and Remus were sitting on the large sofa. Sirius, as usual, was spread across the whole sofa, his legs resting on Remus’s lap. Remus had a book placed on the arm of the sofa next to him, but instead of reading it, he was playing around with Sirius’s laces, tying and untying them in a nervous or anxious gesture. On the armchair adjacent to it was Mary, with Peter sitting by her feet as she tried braiding his hair. Whilst Peters hair had grown a lot in the past few months, it was still too short for any crazy hairdo’s. Mary was probably also just fiddling, the same as Remus. Then, on the floor next to the fireplace were Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas. Lily had a large blanket wrapped around herself again as she sought for heat in the cold common room, her gaze was pointed towards the fireplace. Right next to her were Marlene and Dorcas, who were both sharing a blanket between them. Marlene was leaning her head on Dorcas’s shoulder and looked about seconds away from dozing off.
As the painting opened, they all looked towards James and Regulus. Whilst feeling guilty about it, James was glad that he let go of Regulus’s hand, it was still too scary to be so open about their relationship, even if James trusted his friends with his life.
James made eye contact with Sirius, who had sat up now and was leaning on both his elbows and looking between James and Regulus. When Sirius’s eyes landed on the boy next to him, James noticed the disgusted glare and was tempted to run right up to Sirius and punch him. But instead of acting out on impulse, he put on his most convincing and casual smile and said, “Hey!”
Sirius turned his eyes back to James and replied, “Hi.” In a way, that sounded almost annoyed, almost as if James had done something unforgivable, and Sirius was just hoping that James would disappear and that this conversation would end before it even started.
James didn’t want that, though, so he continued to speak whilst slowly walking closer towards all of his friends. James heard Regulus follow hesitantly behind him. “What's up?”
“Nothing.” Sirius ended up replying in the same tone he used before.
“Not doing anything?” James expanded, trying to get at least a few more words out of his best friend.
“Nope.” His tactic was clearly not working. Sirius continued to be stubborn and ended up lying back down on the sofa, closing his eyes.
James then heard Regulus behind him whisper something under his breath. Regulus, as stubborn as Sirius, didn’t exactly say this as quietly as James would have hoped. “Well, this has been a very moving conversation.”
This ended up riling Sirius up, from the amused look on Regulus’s face, it was clear that this was exactly what he wanted. Sirius sat back up, pulling his legs away from Remus’s lap to fully turn towards James and Regulus. “What are you even doing here?” He spat with such venom that James had to do a double take. He wasn’t expecting Sirius to be talking to him or Regulus that way.
James didn’t have a clue about what they did wrong; he was so confused, and this confusion led to James being seconds away from breaking down infront of all his friends. But he promised himself he wouldn’t do that, so instead, he balled his hands up into fists and squeezed hard enough until he felt his fingernails dig into the palms in his hands. “No need to attack Regulus, he hasn’t done anything,” James said as a way of defending his boyfriend.
Sirius turned back to look at him but didn’t say anything. He just squinted at James and turned away again. It was clear that this was the end of the conversation they would be having. So, instead of trying, James turned away towards the staircase that led to his dorm room. Regulus followed close behind him, grabbing for James’s hand again the second they were out of sight.
Whilst climbing the stairs, James could hear Lily and Sirius speaking in the distance. From the few words James could hear, it seemed as if the conversation was mainly Lily lecturing Sirius. He could hear Lily call Sirius a selfish asshole and Sirius saying it was an accident. But what hurt the most was Lily saying, “You forgot James’s birthday. James does everything for you guys, and you don’t even bother to remember his birthday.”
James had to stop walking once he heard that, and his whole body went into autopilot. Regulus was still walking behind him and was forced to stop abruptly. He was tempting James to continue walking again, but James was in such a state of shock that he couldn’t move anymore.
They forgot his birthday.
Some days, James felt like he was so good at pretending that no one seemed to notice how much he was actually hurting. The fact that he was so good at pretending meant that all his emotions were put into a locked box and not opened until he knew no one was around to see it be unlocked.
At some point, it all became too much. The box would have been filled to the brim, and instead of the lock staying locked, it would break open and allow everything to flow out.
James tends to get clingy when he feels people start to pull away, but in this moment, he pulls his hand away from Regulus and shelters himself from everyone. A single tap or touch, even from himself, was setting him off. He couldn’t describe his feelings, but his breath became too heavy, his eyes wouldn’t focus, and instead, his vision darted and jumped around, only focusing on little things for a split second. His hands were shaking, and he couldn’t feel his legs.
At that moment, driven by pure instinct, all he could do was walk away. He had to leave – not because he wanted to, but because staying would have hurt too much. Leaving was the only way to protect himself from breaking completely.