Happy Birthday

James found himself outside, hands shoved deep into his pockets. It was dark out as he walked lifelessly across the grounds. The cold air was tainting his skin, and his footsteps echoed in the air’s silence. Occasionally, he would look behind him and see a flicker of light in the distance, although it was blurry and seemed impossibly far away, a part of him wished to run back towards it, to run back towards the comfort that light may bring.

The other part of him wanted to collapse, to scream, but he couldn’t get himself to. As he continued walking, each breath he took became heavier than the last. There was a sharp ache in his chest that wasn’t fading; it seemed to spread and make his lungs tighten and hurt. James wondered if the pain would ever go away or if this was a sign from the universe that something inside him was broken for good.

As he walked, time seemed to pass slowly. For a moment, James thought he saw someone’s shadow beside him, although it could have been a trick of the light and his mind playing those cruel tricks on him like it usually did when he was alone. James stopped walking and placed his head into his hands as he let the weight of the night fall into them.

The silence was slowly dawning on him, allowing every sound or movement to scare him. James slightly noticed the soft footsteps approaching him from behind, but through his heavy breathing, he couldn’t notice how far away or close they were. He sharply turned around when he felt someone tap on his shoulder. He was now face to face with one of the only people who have been able to give him rest in the past few months.

“Hey. Hey, you’re okay.” The voice said. And James wasn’t sure whether to agree and give in or deny that fact completely.

In the cold air, they both stood there silently, staring into each other’s eyes. Regulus was looking sharply, a hint of concern that had been passing through his gaze every time he looked at James during the past few weeks. James was looking back, a lot more tired and willing to give up. He felt heavy as if his body was holding onto a single string that was supposed to snap at any moment. James was forced to either let go, hold on until the string broke, or try and climb away, but he was too scared to let go and too tired to climb away.

He was going to hold on and let fate have its way. If the string broke, he would fall, if it didn’t, he would hang there until it did.

James had his future planned out ever since he was a six-year-old boy, but little six-year-old James hadn’t planned this far ahead, and now he was stuck in his teens, struggling to figure out which path to take. It all seemed so simple when he was little when the paths would be lit up with fairies and glitter, but now the paths all looked the same, and it was impossible to know which one was the best.

For now, he hopes the people around him will guide him in the right way. It’s why he feels more secure when Regulus grabs James’s wrist and leads him towards a nearby wall. James has lost all sense of direction; he isn’t sure how far away from the dorms he is, but the wall created the sort of stability that James was seeking.

Both James and Regulus sit down, and neither says a word until James says, “I don’t think I want to go back.”

Regulus contemplates his words for a bit before replying, “I think you should.” It’s unusual for Regulus to suggest that James go towards his problems instead of running away from them, after all, it is one of his specialities. It used to be James who would need to take hours to convince Regulus to confront problems, to confront the people who have hurt him. Now, the roles have been reversed, and Regulus has to convince James to talk to his friends about his problems. In all honesty, James is dreading the eventual conversation.

Deep down, he knows that’s what’s best. He has sworn to stay friends with these three boys for the rest of his life, and he knows that if something were to happen in their friendship, he at least has the right to know why.

This reason, together with Regulus’s help, is the only reason why James had enough guts to walk back towards the Gryffindor tower. It was getting later now, almost past curfew, which meant the marauders would likely be getting ready for bed, and James was determined to have a conversation with them all before sunrise.

Once they were outside of the tower, Regulus stopped. James turned back and asked, “Are you coming in?”

“Do you want me to?”

And without hesitation, James said, “Yes.” Which is how they both walked into the common room. It was empty, which wasn’t very surprising. They were about to walk up the stairs to James’s dorm when James stopped and turned back. He felt bad for asking since he did ask Regulus to come inside, but he knew that this conversation was something he had to do independently. “Could you maybe wait here? I’ll come back down when I'm done.”

All Regulus did was smile softly and let go of James’s hand as he walked towards the couches and picked up a random book he found lying around, getting comfortable and ready to wait for however long it would take.

He continued walking until he got to his room, it was late at night, only a few hours left till his birthday was over. James walked towards his bed, not minding his friends who were walking around the room frantically getting ready. As James lay in his bed, too lazy to close the curtains around it, he listened as his friends started to get ready for bed. Recently, their room has had a quiet atmosphere, but now there was tension, almost as if no one wanted to say anything, worried that something would happen if they did. Remus was already in bed; it looked as if he was finishing off his chapter since he was already holding his bookmark, ready to place it in between the pages. Peter had just left the bathroom, all dressed in his pyjamas and teeth brushed and started making his way towards his bed. Sirius went in right after him; he left the door open whilst he brushed his teeth.

James decided now to sit up in his bed, observing all three of his friends as the silence started to loom over the room. He watched in the reflection of the bathroom mirror as Sirius finished brushing his teeth, running the toothbrush under the running tap and placing it back in its designated spot. As he was looking, James was trying to build up the courage to say something, to say anything. It was almost too late when Sirius started walking towards Remus’s bed, Remus now having placed his book on his bedside table. Both Peter and Sirius were preparing to shut the curtains until James said, “We need to talk.”

He said it more seriously and angrily than he had hoped. James was staring at his hands, not wanting to look up and possibly make eye contact with all three of his friends. He was forced to, however, when Sirius said, “What?” When James looked up, he was met with confused and angry eyes. Sirius looked at him as if he was out for blood. It made James freeze, he could feel the bloodstream through his arms, almost as if he was being dangled upside down.

The look Sirius gave him lightened a fury in James. It was a fire that burned hotter with every passing second. How dare he? How dare Sirius look at him like that, as if James was the one in the wrong when he was the one who had been hurt. James wasn’t just mad; he was seething with a rage that was threatening to explode because how could Sirius, of all people, pretend to be the wounded one when James was the one left bleeding?

At this point, James wasn’t thinking about how impactful his words may be. If Sirius was going for blood, he was going for the heart. “What do you mean, ‘what?’” He spat, his voice sharp, almost cracking. “You’ve been ignoring me for the past few days, asshole.”

Sirius’s face twisted, and he looked almost disgusted, he abruptly stood up, pushing himself off Remus’s bed. He crossed the room until he stood at the edge of James’s bed, his expression radiating a fury similar to the one tearing through James. Remus and Peter, who safely decided to stay seated, glanced at each other. They were silent but wide-eyed as they watched Sirius’s anger unfurl.

“What do you mean we’ve been ignoring you?” Sirius’s voice was low but seething; it was the calm before the storm. His words held a challenge, almost daring James to respond.

James didn’t hesitate to respond, his words came out fast, each one laced with more anger than the last. “It’s quite clear and straightforward, don’t you think?” He shot back. His words matched Sirius’s intensity. He wasn’t willing to back down, if they were going to have it out, they’d do it on his terms.

Sirius narrowed his eyes, and his voice dropped, allowing it to cut through the silence of the room with a venomous edge. “We’re not ignoring you, James. You’re the one who’s never around us anymore.”

This made James scoff in disbelief. “That’s because you don’t let me.”

“No, James,” Sirius said, his tone had changed and seemed to hit sharper with each word. “You’re always away, running off to who knows where. Why don’t you just spend time with us?

“Whenever I try to find you guys, you’re always busy.” James snapped back. His voice was now rising slightly, echoing off the stone walls in their room. Sirius wasn’t responding, clearly seeing the idiocy in James’s reasoning. “The other day, I walked toward our table in the great hall, and the second I sat down, you guys all left.” James continued, his voice cracked at the memory, his chest starting to burn with the previous pain he had felt. “At this point, it feels like you guys don’t even want to be around me.”

Sirius hesitated for a moment, a sliver of regret flickering behind his anger. He recovered quickly, but his voice had become softer now, just a shade, it was almost more painful that way. “Of course we want you around, James.”

James wasn’t going to allow Sirius to get to him, but he couldn’t deny the fact that they were. “Then act like it!” His voice rang out. “Stop shutting me out of everything. Tell me what the hell I did wrong.” And then softer, in an almost child-like way. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“We’re not avoiding you,” Sirius replied tightly, his voice was beginning to lose that sure and confident edge it had before. “You’re the one who’s always avoiding us. Always walking around with my brother and that.”

The mention of Regulus shook James slightly. It made him laugh, a sharp, joyless sound. “Screw you, Sirius.” He said, his anger now returning with double the amount of rage. “I haven’t done a single thing to avoid you. Sure, sometimes I spend time with Regulus, but I’m still here at night or after classes. I’m still trying to talk to you, but then you guys just look at me with these cold, distant glares as if I’ve done something like step on your grave.” And James had to know; he had to have an answer on the one thing that has been eating him alive for as long as he’s known. “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing,” Sirius muttered, although the words didn’t hold any of the resolutions they should have, and something in James shattered at the hollowness in the tone he used.

“Then why are you acting like a damn child?” James burst out, his voice raw as if he had been screaming for hours. “I get it. You’re going through stuff, and yeah, maybe you feel awful about yourself.” James continued, now speaking in a mocking tone. “Poor you, your life’s hard, and everyone needs to know about it.” He was breathing heavily now, taking in shaky breaths as his voice slightly started to break. “Well, guess what? My life’s not a walk in the park either, but I’m not pushing my friends away over it. So stop acting like the world’s ended just for you. Get your head out of your ass and notice that you’re not the only one with problems.” This was probably the most James had said in his life, he had never been brave enough to stand up for himself. The words didn’t only shock everyone in the room but shocked himself as well. He didn’t know he was capable of saying them out loud.

“James—” Sirius started, his expression finally faltering, but James wasn’t done yet. He was so tired now.

“No,” James cut him off, his voice a shadow of its usual confidence as it was cracking under the weight of his exhaustion. “You’re my best friend, Sirius. I’ve told you almost everything, almost all of my problems, and now you think it’s okay to just shut me out? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I’m not trying to use my own issues to get you to treat me like a friend again, but come on, man. Have some common sense, you’ve just left me here.” And with the little amount of confidence James still had left in him, he finished with, “And it hurts.”

For the first time, it seemed as if Sirius’s anger started to fade, just slightly, but the silence that followed was thick and fragile, balancing between painful honesty and the sharp edge of betrayal. In the silence and stillness of the room, it became clear to everyone that their friendship would never be quite the same. All James could do was stare at Sirius, the confession he’d just made hanging heavily in the room.

After a while, Sirius’s gaze dropped to the floor. The sharpness he had before was now replaced by something far more vulnerable, and for a moment, he almost seemed younger. Almost like the Sirius James had met when they were in their first year. In almost a whisper, Sirius said, “If you weren’t avoiding me, then why do you prefer my brother over me?”

James stopped breathing for a second; the words pushed the air out of his lungs, and he stopped remembering how to use them again. All the puzzle pieces slowly started to fall into place, but James could still not register what Sirius meant, they were now looking eye to eye, both wanting to know what was going through each other’s heads. “I don’t prefer him over you, Sirius,” James said in all honesty. “It’s so completely different, for the past few weeks, you haven’t even bothered to start a conversation with me.” A part of James was scared of how this conversation would end, he knew one way or another he would have to spill his guts out, and he wasn’t sure how that would happen.

The anger that had previously faded away was slowly returning to Sirius, but this time, it was weaker and less confident, almost as if he was about to faint from the rush of his blood. With the little strength left in him, Sirius angrily said, “And that’s completely your fault. My life moves on, and you either got to move with life or stay behind.”

The truth has always hurt to be said out loud because, throughout all of this, James has known that he was behind. He had never felt like he was voluntarily staying behind, but more as if he was being left behind. Ever since James was younger, he had never wanted to run into the future, he simply never wanted the future to come. He liked to live in the present and not imagine all the horrible things that life had planned out for him. “Maybe that’s not as easy for everyone as it is for you.” It was one of the only things that wasn’t the same about James and Sirius. Almost everything they did was the same; it’s what made them such great friends, but the one thing they didn’t have in common was the fact that all Sirius wanted to do was grow up and get out in life, and James didn’t want life to catch up with him and would rather stay the same and let nothing change.

The atmosphere kept slightly switching over time, the silence would become larger and would transform into something more uncomfortable. In the corner of the room, it seemed as if Peter and Remus were about to fall asleep, but they were listening so intently that they had no time to become tired. Sirius was now fully angry again; he had crossed his arms over his chest and taken a few steps back from James’s bed once James was slowly starting to move towards the end of his bed in order to get closer. Sirius was now lashing out, which only made James return the lashes harder. It seemed to become an ongoing challenge and loop on who could hurt the other better. “I hope you have fun with your new best friend. I bet Regulus is just so much better than I am, after all, everyone prefers him anyway.”

The guilt-tripping was a good tactic, but James wasn’t going to fall for the victim act Sirius was trying out, in the end, it just angered him more. “Sirius, please shut up about your feud with Regulus, he has nothing to do with this.”

Sirius started to step closer towards James; his arms had moved from being crossed to hanging beside his body, and both of his hands were fisted tightly. Sirius stopped when he came towards the very edge of James’s bed; he was now looking down on James, keeping his head up in a true black manner that scared him. “He has everything to do with this! He takes everything away from me. My life, my parents, and now he’s taking you away as well.” Sirius spat. James could feel his words slice through him, now Sirius had the higher ground, he had the power, and James was crumbling underneath the pressure.

“It’s my choice to be with him.” He said softly, in a way that sounded genuine and would hopefully calm Sirius down. James couldn’t tell if it was working or if it was a trick of the light that made Sirius’s sharp eyes turn slightly glossy.

Sirius still didn’t back down. He continued making absurd accusations, claiming Regulus had brainwashed James and was taking everything away from him. These confessions confused James deeply. He always knew how Sirius felt about his brother, but never did he realise to what extent. And without thinking, almost like a reflex, James whispered, “It's not my fault I fell in love with him.” James should have realised what he said earlier and should have picked his words out more carefully. He knew when starting this conversation that he would end up spilling something about himself unintentionally, and that is exactly what happened.

Sirius didn’t register what James said at first, but James heard the gasps from his other friends, who were now staring at him with wide eyes. Peter was the most shocked; he seemed confused as if this confession had shaken his whole life, but whilst Remus also looked shocked, he mostly looked at James in understanding, as if everything made sense now. Sirius was still clueless and continued to talk until James’s words finally settled in his brain. “Wait…”

James, now scared of what Sirius was about to say, started to slowly scoot back down his bed, trying to search for some kind of safety. “I didn’t mean that.” James had said in order to defend himself, but it was too late; the words had been said, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t deny the fact any longer.

“James. What do you mean you fell in love with him?” Sirius said sharply; it felt like he was about to pull out a knife and brutally stab James until he lay unconsciously on his bed.

“You never bothered to ask me anything. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks.” James tried to reason. In almost a whisper, he did end up confessing because no matter how hard he tried, a part of him truly wanted Sirius to know the truth.” Regulus is not my new best friend; he couldn’t replace you ever, he’s just my boyfriend.” He knew it was stupid reasoning, but James wasn’t sure what to say anymore. He had now both revealed his relationship and came out at the same time. He could feel his heartbeat race, and it was clear that Remus could hear it as well because of the way he was looking at James in a concerted way, debating whether to stay seated or stand up and help James calm down from the panic he was feeling.

And maybe in some weird telepathic way, it seemed as if Sirius could feel James’s heartbeat as well. He was visibly deflating; his shoulders, which were previously tensed, had now relaxed and were sagging back down to their normal state. The anger was still visible, but it was now overshadowed by a type of hurt and confusion. James wasn’t sure which emotions he enjoyed seeing more. “I don’t know whether to start crying or to punch you so hard right now,” Sirius said.

James didn’t know how to respond to that. He didn’t want either situation to happen, but he also didn’t think the situation was completely fair towards him either, he just wasn’t sure how to communicate this with his best friend. Sirius, on the other hand, was thinking some of the more excruciating things; his mind was twisting, trying to piece everything together, and once everything started to slowly click together, the first thing he said was, “You’re dating my little brother, James. That’s paedophilia.”

James rolled his eyes, both irritated and frustrated. “He’s only like a year younger than me.”

“Exactly— an entire year.” Sirius sighed dramatically as if this single year made all the difference

And in true Remus fashion, with his impeccable sense of timing, the first thing he decides to say that night was, “I don’t understand how you two went from arguing so badly to you guys discussing whether James is a pedo or not.”

The room fell silent for a minute before James let out a helpless laugh, softly shaking his head as he said, “Really, Remus?”

“I’m just saying.”

Sirius didn’t find the comment as funny as James did, however, and continued to attack James. “So what, you’ve been fucking my brother every day, and that’s why you haven’t been around.”

It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. This is a partially incorrect statement. “I’ve been trying so hard to be around, Sirius, but you’re always busy with Remus now and-”

“So, you were jealous, so you go for my heart? You go for my brother?” Sirius cut him off. It was clear this wasn’t as much of an attack towards James; it was more of an attack against any person who dared to touch Sirius’s younger brother. No matter what happens between the two black brothers, deep down, they will always care for one another, and they will always deny that fact.

James felt as if he had the right to be angry, but Sirius was simply putting words into his mouth at this point. He could tell him how long he and Regulus had been together, how amazing it had been for them, and how deeply he wished Sirius would accept that. He also deeply wishes Sirius would finally, for once in his life, accept the fact that he wasn’t the only one with problems. James knew he shouldn’t throw everything out at once; he should spill everything slowly, but his damn was also cracked so much that all he could do was let it overflow and break.

“I felt so bad keeping this a secret, so yes, I agree, maybe I haven’t been talking as much recently,” James confesses. “But maybe you should take into account that I’ve been feeling like shit recently, and you haven’t noticed at all. Which hurts Sirius, it really hurts.”

He could see that Sirius was softening; he desperately wanted to say something, but James didn’t let him. He had started now, and he wasn’t backing down. “I feel like I have to get this weight off of my chest, and I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks, but whenever I come close, it's like I've got the plague, you run off and do god knows what.” He realises now that his breathing has once again become a bit shaky. He now also realises all the eyes that are staring holes into his skin, but he promised himself and Regulus that he would try, and try he will. “Whilst you’ve been doing that, I’ve been eating myself alive. And all I wanted was to talk to you. To all of you. All I wanted was to have a normal conversation with my best friends. Like old times.”

The room was now officially silenced; it seemed as if everyone was holding their breaths in fear. It was a while until someone spoke again, and at this point, James didn’t think anyone would until Sirius said, “Is he still annoying?”

“What?” James replied, confused but relaxing slightly.

Sirius repeated his question with more clarity. “Regulus. Is he still annoying?”

“He was never annoying.” James decides to reply honestly. It’s the most calm he has seen Sirius since they started talking, and to not disturb this calmness, he ensures to reply well.

“Has he ever hurt your feelings?” Which is an unusual question that James didn’t expect.

“No. Never.”

“Are you happy?”

“I don’t think I ever have been.”

“Not my question.”

“But I think he’s making me happier.”

James watched as Sirius visibly deflated, now fully relaxed. He huffed out a long breath that Sirius had been keeping in for a while, at least, it seemed that way. “Ok. That’s all that matters.” And then a few beats later, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” James said stupidly, completely forgetting the whole point of this conversation for a brief second.

Sirius doesn’t seem to mind, however, and replies honestly. James could see in the way he was holding himself that Sirius meant these words wholeheartedly. That he genuinely felt guilty. “For ignoring you. I guess I was being distant, and I don’t really have any reason or explanation as to why I was distant.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said again.

“I mean. You forgot my fucking birthday.”

“I know.”

“What kind of friend does that?”

And Sirius was silent again before he looked up, and his eyes met James. He noticed the tear lines streaking down his face and the tears that were still threatening to spill past his waterline. All James knew to do was to stand up and walk towards Sirius before enrapturing him in a hug. It was clear Sirius wasn’t expecting it because James felt him tense up for a split second before relaxing again and wrapping his own arms around James much tighter than he expected.

And this felt good. James felt whole again, here in their dorm room with his best friend in his arms. He knew nothing was fixed yet, and they still had so much to talk about, but they were one step closer, and that’s all that James wanted. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but after a while, James could feel two more sets of arms wrap around him until all four marauders stood in the centre of their dorm room, all embracing each other.

Not much was said after they all broke apart, but the atmosphere in their room was now less tense and more comforting, it made James happy. Whilst all of his friends got back into bed, James quickly took a look around the room before walking towards the door. Before he could leave, however, he heard Sirius behind him say, “Where are you going?”

And James, who was trying not to give away his happiness too much, replied, “I need to go down.”

Sirius wasn’t giving in to such a lame excuse and kept pushing. “Why.”

And now a smile broke out on James’s face, one that he couldn’t keep hidden even if he tried. “My boyfriends are waiting downstairs.”

James could see Sirius grimace visibly. “It’ll take me a few more years to get used to you saying that.”

And before James walked out the door, he said. “Take your time.” He carefully closed the door behind him, hearing the echoes of Peter’s and Remus’s laughter behind him as he rushed down the stairs. Regulus was still seated in the same place as James had last seen him, he hadn’t moved a bit apart from the fact that he was now a few pages ahead in the book he picked up.

Regulus looked up when he heard a sound coming from the stairs and smiled when he saw James standing in the opening with a huge smile on his face. “It went well?” Regulus asked, also nursing a smile on his face now. And all James could do was nod frantically as he ran towards Regulus and lifted him off of the couch and into his arms. Regulus let out a slightly uncomfortable noise that was quickly gone when James kissed him with as much love as he could give.

“It went well,” James replied in between kisses. He had now moved on from his lips and was now kissing him all over his face. Regulus grimaced slightly and leaned away from James. Now, he was able to see the smile on Regulus’ face. A smile that James could only describe with love.
The night went by easily. Regulus was seated by the common room window, and James sat close by. They were both wrapped in blankets, and James watched as Regulus scanned the grounds. James always loved to watch Regulus. He would give Regulus the window seat on the train ride to and from Hogwarts because he knows how much Regulus loves to watch the world pass by. They talked about everything and nothing. It made James realise that this was the first time in weeks that he felt relaxed. The first time in weeks that he felt happy.

James watched as Regulus’s eyelids grew heavier, his breaths slowing, sleep tugging him under, but James wasn’t ready to let the night end just yet.

“You’re not going to look at me differently,” James whispered, his voice barely breaking the quiet, “if I tell you all the bad parts about me?”

Regulus’s eyes open slightly, turns away from the window and holds James’s gaze with a quiet, unwavering intensity. “Nothing you could ever do would bother me or make me love you any less."