Chapter 3
James doesn’t remember falling asleep. He remembers leaving the party with Regulus, and everything after that had become little snapshots and blurry moments.
He remembers having a dream, just not exactly what he was dreaming about. All he can remember is someone calling him disrespectful constantly. Throughout the whole dream, all he could feel was panic; he couldn’t shake this urge to feel pain and hurt. He woke up scared, feeling a familiar tingle in his bones. A tingle was located around his hands and wrists. Waking up and the first thought being a pain, or the need for pain, is a terror he hates knowing. All he could do when he lay there was cry, trying so hard to control his breathing because all he needed was to feel a release so badly.
James was cold; he had curled in on himself, hoping to feel his body warmth surround him. When the warmth didn’t come, and he continued to feel a cold ache, he opened his eyes and saw a glimpse of the sun shining right into his eyes, the sun wasn’t as blinding in the early mornings as he would have thought. The distant fog and sunrise allowed the sun to be distant and covered, allowing it to become a bearable vision. James could feel the hard floor beneath him, the hardness settling into his already aching muscles. His eyes felt blurry and dry, but at the same time, they burned as if he had been crying blood.
It took a moment for James to realise where he was, in this moment, he watched the sun slowly rise higher in the sky, watched as the castle started to wake up and people in the gardens were out for a morning stroll or turning on the lights in their dorm rooms for a morning shower. Once he came back to reality, he realised he was sitting all alone. He has a distant memory of falling asleep on Regulus’s lap, a hand caressing his hair, messing it up even more than it already was. Now Regulus was nowhere to be found, the tower was empty, and James was sat alone feeling his tears dry up on his face, and he tried to shake the tingling that had settled in his bones. In moments like these, James would go for a run or search for something to do, but the tower was so quiet and so peaceful that he didn’t want to turn away, all he wanted was to feel Regulus’s warmth again like he had felt the night before.
He wondered if last night had been a dream and if he had walked towards the tower by himself in a drunken haze, imagining the entire evening and had fallen asleep by himself. Some nights, he wondered if anything he ever did had been real, if some conversations he had were reality or if he had made them up in his head. If some situations had been figments of his imagination or if they had genuinely happened. James often felt distant in life, as if he was living life from a viewer’s perspective and was just watching himself live instead of experiencing it himself. James would often get so stuck in his own mind that he didn’t know how to escape, but some days, he wouldn’t want to escape because his mind made him feel secure.
“Good morning.” A voice said, but James didn’t turn towards it. Instead, he continued to look straight ahead. He knew who the voice belonged to, and the sound comforted his obscure imagination. Regulus walked towards James and sat down next to him, gently placing a cup of tea and coffee down before him, both cups steaming in the fresh morning air, followed by one large plate filled to the top with pastries. James wasn’t feeling particularly hungry, never did in the mornings, but he knew Regulus went out of his way to get some food, and James needed to show his gratitude, so despite not being able to stomach any food, he grabbed some from the plate anyway.
They both continued to stay silent; Regulus was quietly sipping his cup of tea whilst James left his cup sitting by his feet. The silence was broken when Regulus asked, “Are you ok?” James can recall him asking that same question the night before, but he never did give an answer, and he also really didn’t want to. He wanted to reply with his usual answer, which was to deny everything and say he was fine, but lying to Regulus had become so difficult because it seemed as if Regulus had the ability to look right through James.
“I feel like I'm going insane,” James said instead. It wasn’t a direct answer to Regulus’s question, but it was how he was feeling. He felt like he was going insane, like his body and mind had finally given up trying to hold him together and hold him up, and it’s now decided to slowly eat him up alive and leave nothing left apart from his heart and the circular glasses on his face.
Regulus turned to look at James; he was still sipping his tea, but the expression on his face gave nothing away. It didn’t look confused or judgemental, it was partially belief and understanding, as if Regulus didn’t think James was insane but as if he was making perfect sense. And James didn’t understand that. He didn’t understand how Regulus was able to get him so well when James couldn’t even figure it out himself.
They continued to look at each other, James was secretly pleading for Regulus to say something, to say anything that would bring some kind of comfort to the confusion James was feeling. The pleading was evident on his face, “You didn’t sleep well?” Regulus replied. And the truth in those words allowed tears to spill past his eyes once again. The second James felt them reach his waterline, he pinched his eyes shut and looked down towards the floor, seconds later, he could feel Regulus move as he placed his teacup down on the floor and embraced James in his arms.
It all felt so wrong, James was much bigger than Regulus. His arms barely fit around James’s shoulders, but despite that small inconvenience, the warmth Regulus gave was more than enough comfort. It was the kind of comfort James had craved his entire lifetime, and the second he was embraced by that warmth, he couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his face again. As a way of holding himself together, he reached for his own hands and strangled them together, creating a kind of pressure on himself that may have hurt but instead allowed him to feel secure. James didn’t want to cry, but deep down, he knew that this feeling of pain and sadness had to be released, and the only way to do that was to let it all pour out of him.
They were there for a while, but neither James nor Regulus seemed to care. All they cared about was being together. When the atmosphere became quiet again, and James felt as if he could talk again without tearing up, Regulus mentioned something that James had completely forgotten about. “What do you want to do for your birthday?”
Whilst planning Remus’s birthday and being stocked up on school work, James had completely forgotten that in a few weeks, it was his own birthday as well. He used to always look forward to his birthday, but in recent years, they had become so anti-climatic that he would forget to care for them.
“I’m not sure.” He said, in all honestly, he tried to come up with a simple plan for the day. His birthday fell on a Sunday that year, which meant that he had the whole day to himself. “My friends might plan something, but probably nothing too big since we just threw something for Remus. Maybe our usual late-night dorm party. I’m not really picky”
Regulus let that sit for a while before replying. “You deserve something big, what if we do something together?”
James was shocked; he looked towards Regulus, who was now sitting down in James’s arms. “Like what?” He couldn’t hide the fact that he was intrigued by what Regulus may plan for James’s birthday. It would be the first birthday they would spend together as an official couple.
Regulus, however, would never give his ideas away that easily. “Let me plan that out for you; it’ll be a surprise.”
“I hate surprises.”
That made Regulus smile. “No, you don’t. You just like to be in control, so you hate not knowing what other people will make you do or will do for you.”
And that comment created some kind of gap in the centre of James’s chest because Regulus was right. He is always right. “I hate how you can read my mind; I feel bad that I can’t do the same.”
“It’s a skill that I've been gifted with; I don’t blame you for not being gifted.”
“That sounds like an insult.”
“Believe what you want to believe.” James knew it wasn’t an insult; Regulus had said it in such a sweet way with no underlying tone to his words that it couldn’t possibly have any hidden meaning behind it that showed any kind of insulting language. And just like that, James magically felt better. He felt a smile creep across his own face, and he wasn’t ashamed to show it, it was a wonder how Regulus was always able to make him feel that way.
“I love you too, by the way,” Regulus said abruptly. James had looked towards the sky again, which was now much bluer than it had been when he woke up, but this comment made him look back towards Regulus.
“What?” James had to do a double-take because he didn’t know where this comment was coming from.
“You said it last night, and I don’t want to leave you hanging,” Regulus said in such a sincere way. It was only sweetness and happiness. It was only love.
“I honestly thought that was just my imagination.”
Regulus chuckled, “Nope, it was very real.”
And James was happy. He was so incredibly happy, and he had no words to describe the warmth growing inside him. It felt as if multiple flower branches were wrapping around his stomach, squeezing softly, not in a way that seemed as if they were strangling him, but as if they were trying to give him a comforting hug. James could feel the flowers bloom, and as they did, he felt the pollen spread around his body and tickle him all over. “Well, I love you more.”
“I can believe that, but I love you more than you think I do.”
And James allowed that to sit; he allowed those words to absorb into him until he got a full understanding of what Regulus was trying to say. In theory, James knew what he meant, but it took a while longer for him to understand it fully. Some days, James finds it hard to accept the fact that there are people out there who love him as much as he loves them, or even more.
Take his parents as an example, his whole life, all they ever did was show him how much they cared for him; there was never once a moment in his life that James doubted that they didn’t care for him.
There was a girl in his 4th-grade class who he became super close friends with. It was the simple kind of friendship, the one where you would spend every lunch break together playing games in the playground and talking during the entire lesson and getting absolutely no work done whatsoever.
His friendship with this girl was an exclusive duo until he started 5th grade. There was another girl who he ended up being close to as well, and in addition to that, she also became close with his friend. Their duo became a trio, and as famously said, in a trio, there is always a duo, and James wasn’t part of that. Out of nowhere, his two friends started to exclude him from classwork conversations and lunch games. James was a child back then, so he was always able to hang around other students in his class, but deep down, it hurt him to be excluded so often.
Around that time, James realised that he may not be loved enough by everyone to keep them for a long time. No matter how much James cared about his two friends, he knew they would never care enough about him as much as they seemed to care about each other, and that was a fact he had to accept.
Since then, James had lost and gained many new friendships, some ending better than others, some more caring than others. But he had always made sure to keep the ones that mattered more. When he joined Hogwarts, he knew that he had to ensure his friendship with Sirius, Remus, and Peter had to stay secure. And since their first year, he has done everything to keep all four of them together. There had been many arguments in the group, but in the end, they always ended up back together. Despite this, in every friend group, there are two or three people who seem to enjoy each other's company more than others.
When all four of them first became friends, it was obvious that James and Sirius were the closest in the friend group. Remus and Peter would often be around each other, but it didn’t seem like they were all that close or close enough to truly be considered best friends. James and Sirius, however, were inseparable for the first few years at Hogwarts. They would do everything together. It came to a point that they were the duo in their friend group, and it seemed as if both boys were excluding Remus and Peter. They didn’t intentionally do this, but it was definitely happening.
Then, once they started their fourth or fifth year, James and Sirius had learnt how to be more inclusive. They were still best friends and probably will be for the rest of their lives, but they have made sure that all four of them would put everyone first before anyone else. And that’s how the marauders were created.
It’s been a while since the friend group's last argument. Sirius and Remus have been busy together, figuring out whatever feelings they have for one another, and Peter has been busy trying to make sure everyone stays in line. None of them appreciates Peter enough for all the effort he puts into keeping the friend group steady, James is sure that without Peter, a battle would have broken out between all three of them already, and James is so incredibly grateful to have him as a friend.
Now that all three of them have their own lives and problems to take care of, James has started to feel lost with his friends. They aren’t as close as they were in the first few years of school, which is normal, all four of them have become very focused on their classes and any other friendships they have. James has also been busy trying to overcome his feelings for Regulus, which ended on a happy note, to James’s luck.
But for a while, they haven’t all four done something together for a while, which is why James hopes his three friends have planned something for his birthday that will allow all four boys to be together and have fun without the stress of school or the stress of friendships in the way. Just all four of them together like it used to be.
Sometimes, James worries about how much he cares about his friends. He worries that he cares too much and that they don’t care enough. The pressure of wanting to keep people together and keep things the way they used to be becomes too much some days. On those days, James is grateful for Regulus. James will always believe that Regulus is more magical than any person he has ever met, despite the fact that he is an amazingly talented wizard, Regulus has the power to calm James down during any stressful day. Even on the days that James doesn’t want Regulus to help him, he still does it so effortlessly.
James does not doubt that Regulus loves and cares for him as much as James loves and cares for Regulus.
“I don’t think I'll ever be able to stop saying that I love you now,” James confesses.
“Then don’t,” Regulus says simply. He is still sitting in James’s arms, the cups and food left stranded on the floor now. They would clean it all up once they left, which wouldn’t be for a while.
“I love you,” James repeated.
Regulus smiled honestly, James noticed that Regulus smiled more often these days. “That you do.”
“I looooooveeee you.” He exaggerated, squeezing Regulus extra hard, which got an annoyed noise out of him.
“Oh my god. No way!” He replied sarcastically, although a little breathless since James was still squeezing him hard.
“I love you to the moon and back, to the sun and back, to the stars and back, to regulus and back to the galaxies and back, to..”
“Ok, I know, I know.”
“… I love you.”
“That’s enough, James, or I'll leave you here by yourself.”
“Wait, no! I'll stop, ok, I promise!”
“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually leave.”
“Thank you.”