Happy Birthday

The common room was loud and bursting with noise. There was a table set at the far end of the room, which was filled with enough drinks and food for an animal to hibernate for the next few years.

The record player was playing music at an insanely loud volume, but it sounded quiet compared to the volume of the room.

Parties were James’s element, with a little bit of liquid luck, also known as fire whiskey, he was able to comfortably walk around the room and talk with almost everyone. He could easily start up a conversation and keep adding to it for ages, which is something that isn’t as easy to do when sober.

James was standing next to the common room window, most of the windows were opened to allow for air to escape and enter the room, but also for all the people who didn’t bother to step out of the common room when smoking. James turned out to be one of those people; he was standing next to the window with a red party cup he and Sirius had found during Christmas shopping in one hand and a pre-rolled cigarette in the other.

James had always preferred rolling cigarettes instead of buying the packs. He liked the routine of using his fingers before parties or while waiting for the guests to arrive. He would pre-roll a few and carefully store them in a little box he kept in his pants pocket so he could use them later on. Not only that, but James believes rolled cigarettes taste better than store-bought ones, at least in his opinion.

There was a circle of students dancing in the middle of the common room, in between those students, James spotter Sirius and Mary twirling each around. And by a nearby wall, he then saw Remus and Lily having a conversation, although it seemed very one-sided since Remus couldn’t take his eyes off the people on the dance floor. Or specifically Sirius.

There were many people, everyone from different houses. There were several Slytherins, although the selection was limited. There was one person James was looking for in the crowd of students, but no matter how many times he looked, he couldn’t catch sight of that familiar head of hair.

Whilst scanning the room, James felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around. A Slytherin girl stood next to him. He vaguely remembers seeing her in one of his classes, but she had never made such a large impression on him that he remembered her name. He regretted that since she knew who he was.

“How are you, James?” She has brown shoulder-length hair with chunky bangs that would look great on her if they framed her face better. She wasn’t wearing anything too revealing or extravagant compared to many of the other girls at the party. She, too, was holding a red cup, James could smell the heavy liquor inside it.

“I’m doing great, how are you enjoying the party?” James replied kindly, still trying to remember any interaction they had with each other.

“It's chaotic. I’m not much of a party person, you see, I prefer small gatherings a lot more. What do you say you and I go on a walk?” She slowly started swaying forward, getting a bit too close to James’s personal space.

James quickly looked for an excuse. “Sorry, since I’m the host, I need to make sure everything is going smoothly. I can’t exactly leave in case something goes wrong.” It was the first excuse he came up with. Luckily, it seemed convincing enough since the girl started to sway backwards again. James hadn’t noticed how tense he felt until the girl backed up. His fingers started to tingle, and he wasn’t sure if this girl was the reason for that or if it was his drink finally settling into his body.

The girl, however, wasn’t giving up. “I’m sure someone else can look after everyone for a little longer. Why should you be the responsible one?” She slowly lifted her hand and placed it on James’s arm. James didn’t have time to back away, but he slightly flinched. The girl didn’t notice or chose not to care.

At this moment, all James could feel was the girl's paws rubbing over his arm in a circular motion. It felt disgusting as if some kind of venom was leaking from the tips of her fingers into his skin, maybe it was. After a few moments, there was a sharp pain in his arm, and he noticed the girl had left. James stood there not knowing what to do, so instead, he looked around the room again. It seemed as if everyone had a pair, and James was stood in the corner of the room waiting for the alcohol to settle in his stomach so that he could feel that familiar feeling of having no care of finally having all his feelings and thoughts shut up so that he can live in the moment.

Sometimes, James wishes he could be drunk forever because it is when he feels complete. He is the most social; he doesn’t care what people think of him, he feels as if life is finally worth living.

Out of nowhere, James could start to feel his fingers tingling again, but this time at a rate much larger than before. In a drunken haze, he had smiled, but the smile he was supporting on his face started to fade, and all he could do was stare blankly at the wall in front of him. He started to rock himself back and forth whilst he leaned back against the window. His fingers tapped continuously on the red cup he was holding, his cigarette now burnt out.

It was like, suddenly, all he could think about was how badly he needed to leave. The lingering feeling of that girl touching his arm was still there, and it intensified so much over the past few minutes that all he felt was pain. The only thing he could focus on was needing to leave and the sting in his left arm.

James stumbled forward, rushing for the door that allowed him to leave the common room. He was so focused on leaving that he didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and instead bumped right into a boy and his friend. He wanted to look down, but when he did, he noticed that his eyes had filled up with tears, and his vision had become blurry around the edges. He felt the boy’s soft hands wrap around his wrist and followed as the boy walked in the direction of the door, leaving his friend behind in the room.

At this point, James’s breathing had become heavier, and he felt his pulse’s loud beats in his ears together with a slight ringing.

“James.” He heard. The voice was distant, even though James knew the person was standing right next to him. James was so in his head that he didn’t realise he had to respond until the voice spoke again. “James, are you ok?”

He now recognised the voice as it was becoming clearer. “Reg?”

“Yeah, just focus on me, ok?” James felt himself slide down the wall in search of some stability. The floor wasn’t the most comfortable place, but he could feel his legs start to lose their balance. His whole body was tingling and shaking now, and he had no control despite wanting it to stop so badly.

“I’m sorry,” James said in an immediate response to the situation.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I just want to make sure you’re ok.” It was the kind of reminder James needed at that moment.

He sat on the floor for a while; he couldn’t keep track of time, but it didn’t seem like Regulus seemed to mind sitting with James as he tried to regain his senses.

Regulus was always able to know how James was feeling, when he knew James was about to cry, when James was feeling ok or needed a bit of extra help on the days he felt restless or happy. James was never able to figure out how he did that, how he was able to understand James so simply and so well. James never felt like he truly shared all of his personal life with anyone, at least not all of it, the things that mattered. But Regulus didn’t care, and despite that, he was still able to understand so well, almost like he was reading James’s mind.

That’s why Regulus knew James had calmed down and then said, “I'll always be here for you.”

“I know.” Because James did know, deep down, he knew, he just had to figure out how to accept it.

“So, can you talk to me?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Regulus ended up dragging James away from the hallway, and in comfortable silence, they both slowly walked towards the astronomy tower. James was still trying to escape the state of shock he had been in earlier, which is why he tried so hard to focus on the warmth of Regulus’s hand as he locked their fingers together. But whilst James was trying to focus, all he could think of was the fact that he had to focus, and then his mind went back to why he had to focus, and he ended up going back to the party, and he kept spiralling.

James was trying so hard not to think, but for some reason, it seemed impossible to stop those voices from whispering in the back of his mind. He was begging them to stop. James had been planning this party for months, and now he was the one who had to flee for such a stupid reason.

Regulus opened the door to the tower and walked straight to the edge, dropping down on the floor and bringing James down with him, seeing as their hands were still lodged together. James’s immediate reaction upon sitting down was to drop his head in Regulus’s lap. This wasn’t how it normally went; normally, the roles would be reversed, but Regulus allowed it to happen. Once James settled his head on Regulus’s thigh, he felt the boy’s hand stroke through his hair, carefully massaging his scalp.

James relaxed into his touch and ended up staring at the night sky littered with stars. Hogwarts was located in a remote area in Scotland; this caused any light pollution to come from the castle itself. But deep into the night, when everyone was asleep, and no lights were turned on, the stars were most beautiful and most visible.

“When looking at stars, I feel like I’m lying in a dome,” James says suddenly. He has calmed down quickly thanks to Regulus and his presence.

“A dome?” Regulus replied quietly.

“Yeah.” James quietly said back, still staring at the stars. “Almost as if I was lying down and the sky was some kind of dome roof, a motion picture of stars. It feels like any moment now, someone can turn on the light, and the magic will disappear.”

“I can see that. It feels like we are circled in. The stars give that effect.” Regulus said. He continued to whisper, which only felt right in the soft atmosphere.

“But why?”

“I think it’s just physics,”

“Physics? What is that?” James turned his head upwards to look at Regulus in confusion.

“The muggle definition for the laws of nature.” Regulus then looked down at James and saw his confused expression, which told Regulus that he would have to explain further. “The laws of nature, like gravitational laws?” James blinked stupidly. “The reason you stay on the ground and don’t just float away,” Regulus concluded.

“Doesn’t that just happen?” James questioned.

Regulus rolled his eyes and focused them back onto the stars above them. “No, that doesn’t just happen. Anyways, since the earth is round,” Regulus paused to look back at James in the hope of some kind of confirmation, “Oh, please tell me you know the earth is round?”

“Yes, of course, I know that Reg. I’m not an idiot.” James told him in a tone he wished sounded convincing. Wizards had never learnt much about muggle inventions or conspiracies. They weren’t taught biology, physics, or even math. For them, it seemed irrelevant since they weren’t the ones who discovered it. Regulus didn’t know much either, but occasionally, he would find a book and become very fascinated by the way muggles think.

“Anyways, I think the fact the sky looks like a dome is only an illusion. When you look at one point in the sky— here look at Sirius—“Regulus started explaining, pointing towards the Sirius star, waiting a few moments, hoping James had caught up his gaze with his finger before continuing. “When you look at the star, it seems a certain distance away. The same if you look at any other star in the sky, they all look the same distance away. However, when you only focus on one star, it seems a certain distance away, when focusing on multiple, or the whole sky in general, your vision allows it to look like a dome. Because from where you are lying, every star is a certain distance away from you. I think the fact that the earth is round contributes to that, but I don’t know this is just my theory.” Regulus finished.

“How do the stars move?”

“Because the earth moves.”

“Oh.”

“What? You think night and day comes and goes like magic?”

“Well… no,” James replied, sounding very unconvincing.

“Oh god.” Regulus let out a soft laugh. “Do you just imagine a person sitting around all day casting spells on the whole world?”

“No. Well, maybe as a kid, I did, but I’m smarter now.” James said, crossing his arms like a pouting child. He turned back around to look at Regulus. Regulus still had his gaze set on the stars and looked so intently interested in a way that made him shine. James thought he was the most beautiful star out there.

“I love you.”

And Regulus didn’t reply. He just continued to look at the stars, but James noticed the small twitch in the corners of his mouth that allowed them to turn upwards without his will. James had never said those three words out loud before. He had always said them as some kind of unmeaningful thing. James loved everything, but he had never truly said ‘I love you’ to anyone before, not in the way he truly wanted to.

James is such a loving person, and he makes it his mission to ensure that everyone close to him knows how much he cares about them. But saying those words and meaning them will continue to be difficult.

With Regulus, it isn’t difficult. James knows he loves Regulus and has never doubted that.