Chapter 1
Some days, you can sit out in the dark and wonder how life started. Some days, you can sit in the sun and wonder the same thing. As you watch the people outside roam the streets, every single one of them set out to complete their days.
But don’t you sometimes wonder that whilst you’re watching these people going on with their days, someone may be watching you go on about your day as well? Not some kind of God or mighty person. But a random person sitting on their balcony, sipping wine in the late evenings or drinking their early morning tea and coffee. Watching you as you walk down the street towards your classes, or your home, or your partner, or the store.
It is often in these moments of silence, in the nights or sunny days, that James questions the existence of life and its importance. Whilst sitting alone with his thoughts, it’s almost as if it all makes sense. As if his brain is, for some strange reason, giving him the reasons of the universe. He would wonder why he would be worthy of those reasons, why he would be able to achieve them and not someone else who has the status and the popularity for it all.
After all, he was just another Hogwarts student with wealthy parents and a life set out for him with great potential. He is one out of so many students.
But as he watches the people on campus walk towards their first periods through his dorm window, he is always able to catch someone’s eye. Someone who is always staring back and observing him in the same way he is observing them.
It’s March 10th, 1977. Remus’s 17th birthday.
Remus has been one of James’s best friends since their first year at Hogwarts, and James has been planning his birthday for months.
James has three best friends, and seeing as the last birthday in their friend group was in November, James has had pretty much 4 months to plan out the best birthday for Remus.
Birthdays have always been a very important celebration. It is a celebration of life, a celebration of birth, and a celebration of achievements. Knowing Remus, he has made some of the best achievements in his 17 years of life, and he deserves the world.
James, however, cannot simply hand over the world to Remus. So, the best thing he could come up with was to throw an amazing birthday party that Remus would never forget.
That is when he came across his first issue: how do you make a birthday unforgettable? Remus loves so many things. He is obsessed with books, at least, he became obsessed with them a few years ago and hasn’t stopped reading since. Remus loves sweaters, although he keeps losing them to a certain thief who lives in their dorm room. There is Earl Grey tea, autumn, nature, the smell of morning air, fog, baking, blankets, and being comfy. Most importantly, James secretly knows that Remus loves Sirius Black. However, it’s still a fact that he needs to prove with official evidence, which is strangely hard to get a hold of.
Knowing this, Sirius was also more than happy to help James plan the most amazing birthday party. After all, it involves a party and Remus, two of Sirius’s favourite things. For the duration of those 4 months, they had been able to plan everything out to the last detail. They had sent out all the invitations; they had gotten permission from all prefects and their dorms head boy and girl. It was a lot easier than expected, but everyone also loved Remus, so it wasn’t all that strange.
They had been able to hide all the decorations, all the food and drinks. The most complicated issue was the fact that the 10th of March was on a Thursday. But after some planning and mischief (with the help of lovely Peter since he finally decided he could put his notebooks away and help), they were able to remove this issue.
On that Wednesday evening, right after dinner, there was a sudden release of a disgusting slimy mixture in all the hallways and classrooms. No one knew who or what was responsible; many people could have guessed, but there was no clear evidence. The slimy mixture couldn’t be removed with basic cleaning spells but only with a specific cleaning potion that had also mysteriously run out of stock in Hogwarts. This potion takes around two days to brew, which resulted in all further classes that week being cancelled. This made Thursday the perfect day for a party.
“James,” Sirius whispered from outside his bed curtain. James had been awake for a while; he had just been lying in bed staring at the canopy above his bed, watching how the embroidered designs stopped and continued. “Get up; we have to get everything ready.” Sirius’s whispering was now becoming louder, more of a shouting whisper. Luckily, if it wasn’t obvious by Remus’s soft snores, they would have been caught.
When James first met Remus, he was a very quiet and shy little boy. He would often only fall asleep after everyone else had. He would curl up in a fetal position, not moving or making any noise while sleeping. But over the years, James had realised that Remus had stopped being careful, that he had started sleeping whenever he wanted to and whichever position he felt most comfortable with.
It has brought comfort to James, knowing that one of his friends has become comfortable enough to be themselves around him and everyone else. It truly is all he wants.
“JAMES!” Sirius whispered even louder.
“Be quiet, Sirius! Don’t wake up, Moony.” James responded, simultaneously grabbing his glasses from his bedside table whilst pulling the curtains apart to get out of the warm comfort of his bed. The second he stepped out, he quickly put on some warm socks to preserve the heat of his post-sleep warmth.
“I think you’re both blind and deaf. You should get your hearing fixed.” Sirius commented, watching as James fumbled with his pyjama shirt as he tried to change. After years of living together in a dorm, it is clear none of them care where people change their clothes. James does decide, however, to keep his pyjama bottoms on, too lazy to fully change, seeing as it’s still early in the morning and no one is awake anyway.
“I think you’re both stupid and obnoxious, but I never say anything.” This earned James a shove from Sirius.
Whilst quietly laughing, James glanced over at Sirius’s bed. The bed sheets were pulled tight and pushed into the corners of the mattress. His bed was perfectly made, there were no creases in the sheets. “Where did you sleep last night?” James said. He saw the flicker of shock on Sirius’s face but decided not to comment on it any further. Instead, he looked over to Remus’s bed, where the curtains were slightly open. Remus was sleeping on the very edge of his bed, almost as if he was saving the spot next to him for someone else. This made James shut up, whatever was going on between his two friends was none of his business, no matter how intrigued he was.
James started walking towards Sirius’s made-up bed and bent down to grab the suitcase that they had hidden underneath his bed. It wasn’t exactly hidden perfectly, but there was only a slight chance that Remus would comment on a simple suitcase. He decided it would be best to bring the suitcase right downstairs to the common room instead of making even more noise in their bedroom.
“Should we wake up Peter?” James said, walking through the dorm door that Sirius had so nicely held open for him.
“No, he’s responsible for making sure Remus doesn’t come downstairs.”
“What if Remus wakes up before him?” There was no further comment on that. The suitcase was weirdly heavy, and James was trying his best to carry it downstairs without making too much noise. It was only 6 in the morning, but considering that all lessons were cancelled and a lot of people didn’t want to make the awful walk through the sticky halls towards the great hall for breakfast, all the students decided it would be the perfect time to sleep in. All students, apart from James and Sirius, who figured 6 am was the perfect time to set up.
The party was only taking place that evening, but several traditional activities had to occur before the party. Some of these activities have become more difficult because of the slime, so the usual breakfast, lunch, and dinner ‘Happy Birthdays’ would have to be limited. But there was surely more they could do to celebrate Remus’s 17th.
Once they had set the suitcase down on one of the large common room sofas, James having done most of the heavy lifting, they started to open the suitcase. It mostly contained decorations. They figured it would be more authentic to get real party decorations instead of transfiguring certain items.
Since they had been planning for a while, they had the whole Christmas break to stock up. They bought candles, party flags, party poppers, strings, lights, the whole ordeal. They pretty much got anything they could find in the party store that was cheap and looked festive. There were flags that had the number 17 printed all over them in bright red, which seemed to fit perfectly with their common room’s aesthetic.
The curtains in the common room were shut, but seeing as it was winter and, therefore, still dark outside, they didn’t bother to open them until later. The weather doesn’t exactly improve in Scotland, and the sun was only set to rise in an hour or so.
“So, where should we start?” Sirius said, switching from the loud whispering he was using before to talk in his normal voice, which was naturally loud.
“Well, we are planning to decorate before breakfast, then the girls are stealing Remus throughout the day, and then it’s the party. So, really, we should start decorating.” James said, recalling the schedule they had organised. They didn’t plan for Remus to be gone for most of the days, but Lily is a prefect and would only accept the party if she was able to do something with Remus on his actual birthday as well. James didn’t have much of a choice but to let her have him after that.
“What do we do when Remus is gone?” Sirius was already untangling the lights they had bought. They were simple fairy lights but would add to the whole comfort of the common room. The lights had gotten very tangled in the suitcase, which is strange seeing as it was nicely rolled up, but James has come to realise that muggle technology isn’t always the most logical.
“I don’t know about you, but I have somewhere to be,” James said, trying not to sound too excited about his plans for lunch.
“And care to share where?”
“Where did those strange flags go?” James responded instead, completely swerving Sirius’s question.
“So that’s how you want to play this game, okay? Who is the mysterious girl?” Sirius said James could hear the grin on his face without having to look. Sirius had since untangled the lights and had already grabbed his wand, ready to stick the lights to the walls and ceiling. They would have used actual tape, but seeing as the common room walls are so tall, they physically wouldn’t have been able to reach the ceiling.
“Who says it’s a girl?” James said, having found the flags with the bright red number 17 on them.
“Who or what else could it be? You have a day off and decide to spend it by yourself? I have known you for a while, James, and I know that’s utter bullshit.”
It was quiet after that. After all, James couldn’t exactly deny that. He did have plans with someone, but it wasn’t exactly a girl. James wished he could tell Sirius what he was planning to do, but it wasn’t as simple as that, and today, or at 6 in the morning, was not the time to have this conversation.
So, instead of answering, James dodges the question again. “Where should we hang these?”
The rest of the morning passed by in a comfortable silence. The silence was technically filled with a calm album they put on the record player in the common room, but they both enjoyed it. Soon, the sun started to shine through the still-closed curtains. The sound of Hogwarts slowly waking up.
In the distance, an alarm occasionally went off, probably a student who had forgotten to turn it off before their day off, clearly disrupting many people’s lie-ins. There were only a handful of people who had decided to walk down to the common room. There was a small kitchenette which included enough materials to make tea or coffee, which is also the main reason students use it.
Over the years, Hogwarts has had many muggle changes. Students now use pens and pencils instead of quills; there are the obvious record players, vinyl and alarm clocks.
The people who walked into the common room barely noticed the two boys hanging flags and balloons around the room. They walked past them in their sleepy haze, with their only goal being to get some caffeine in their system.
They continued to hang everything up, having only a few more items left in the suitcase, when they heard someone behind them. “Well, isn’t this looking pretty.” Both James and Sirius turned around quickly and watched as Remus stood by the stair entryway, a knowing look on his face.
“Moony! Go away, what are you doing here? Peter was supposed to keep you upstairs!” Sirius shouted, waving his hands around almost as if he were trying to hide the entire common room away from Remus.
Remus looked amused when he replied, “I woke up, Peter was snoring, you two were gone, and since you didn’t wake me up, I figured you guys were up to something.” He looked around the room, “And I was right.”
“You weren’t supposed to see this yet.”
“What were you planning on keeping me in our room all day?”
“No, we have planned out your day for you!”
“Should I be scared or not?”
“Not at all.” A voice from the other side of the room said. This time, Sirius and James turned around a bit slower and less alarmed. Standing by the doorway to the girls’ dormitories was Lily. She was wearing her hair up, although it was clearly to quickly get it out of her face, and she had changed into a top, also choosing to keep her pyjama bottoms on this morning.
“Well, good morning, both of you, but now the surprise is kind of ruined,” James said, he finished blowing up the last balloon and let it fly up to the top of the room with a helium charm. Once again, Sirius and James couldn’t get helium themselves and bring it with them from London to Scotland, so the charms will have to do.
“Why didn’t you just do it when Remus was busy throughout the day?” Lily said she was now walking towards the common room fireplace, quickly casting a spell to turn it on so she could sit in front of it.
“James has plans with a certain someone.” Sirius had also finished the last bit of the decorations and was now putting the suitcase on the floor so he could spread himself across the sofa.
“Drop that, will you, it’s nothing important,” James responded. He went to sit down next to the fireplace as well. The warmth was comforting, and he would have fallen asleep if it wasn’t for the noise that was slowly entering the room.
James hadn’t gotten much sleep the previous night. There was the fact that he had to wake up at 6 in the morning to prepare for Remus’s party, but his mind was also constantly turning. It wouldn’t shut off, no matter how hard he tried to come up with something to dream about. He was nervous about today for some strange reason, and his mind loved to remind him of that every few minutes.
“So, what do you guys have planned for today?” Remus said, settling down on the sofa next to Sirius. He made a poor attempt to move Sirius’s legs aside, but instead, Sirius just settled them on his lap. Remus didn’t seem to mind all that much.
“That’s a surprise!” Sirius replied, comfortably putting his hands behind his head, he had closed his eyes and looked the same way James felt. He wouldn’t blame Sirius if he just fell asleep right then and there.
“You’re with me, Marlene, and Mary for most of the day.” And at the look Remus gave Lily, she continued, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing too bad, we know you like to be calm. And you’ll need this before tonight.” Lily had now grabbed a blanket from one of the nearby armchairs and wrapped it around herself whilst she sat in front of the fireplace. The common room was normally quite warm, but throughout the night, the cold from outside ended up making the room extremely cold, especially in the early mornings.
The silence that followed was comforting in a way. The silence allowed for James to think. The vinyl he and Sirius had put on the record player had stopped some time ago, and no one had bothered to put anything else on. The only noise in the room was footsteps from a few sleepy students quietly walking around the room, grabbing any items or deciding to go on a morning walk.
James was planning his day out in his head. He often makes schedules in his head or on paper to keep track of his thoughts. Does he follow those schedules? That’s another issue. He had finished setting up for that evening; he had an hour or so left before he had to go out, and then he had to come back an hour or two before the party started to get ready and finish setting up food and drinks.
“What’s the time right now?” James said.
“Almost 8. Why?” Lily replied, pulling the blanket around her even tighter than before.
James stood up from the ground, using the fireplace to help pull him up. “No reason, just going to take a shower before I need to leave.” He started walking towards the staircase when he heard Remus say something behind him.
“Go where?” James, however, didn’t reply and continued walking up the stairs. In the distance, he could hear Sirius say I think it’s a girl. But James chose to ignore his assumptions.
When James walked into the room, he could still see Peter’s sleeping figure underneath the blankets. He looked peaceful, so James made sure not to make too much noise as he walked towards his bed to grab a pair of pants and a more appropriate shirt for the day. He then walked towards the bathroom and quietly shut the door behind him.
The bathroom was small and was clearly owned by four teenage boys. Their toothbrushes were placed all around the lavatory, there was a stack of toilet paper that was so unorganised it looked more like a pile, and there were several towels thrown around the room since all of them were too lazy to walk the extra few steps towards the laundry basket in the corner of the room. The first thing that can be seen when walking into their bathroom is the mirror on the wall. James took a quick look at himself, inspecting the dips underneath his eyes that were partially covered by his round glasses. His hair was a mess, and he looked tired. Or he looked like he had been awake since 6 am, which is true, so no one can blame him.
James turned the shower on, slipping out of his shirt and pyjama bottoms. He placed his glasses on the lid of the toilet together with his clothes and stepped into the shower. James loved to feel warm; this resulted in his shower water being borderline close to boiling temperature. The way the warm water first lands on his hair and then starts to drip down his face and allow his whole body to be enraptured in its warmth was a type of comfort James didn’t know how to explain.
Some days, the days that were long and full, James would take a shower just to feel that warmth. He would turn the heat up and sit on the shower floor. The quiet patter of the water on the floor was calming and would overshadow those thoughts in his head, at least for the most part.
Some days, as he sat on the shower floor, the day would hit him, and all he could do was stare blankly at the wall in front of him. Time would pass by slowly, but he wouldn’t be able to get up until he felt warm again. The day had only just started, but he wished he could sit down on the floor right now and just let the heat soak into his skin.
He took his shampoo bottle and generously poured it into the palm of his hand. Some of the soap slipped through his fingers and landed on the floor next to his feet. He quickly brought his palm to his hair and started to massage the soap into his hair. He shut his eyes tight, afraid that a mixture of soap and water would burn. It felt good to run his fingers through his hair and slowly untangle the mess it became overnight.
Once James felt like he had spent enough time underneath the water and could feel the tips of his fingers wrinkle, he turned off the water and took his towel from off the floor. He stood still for another few moments, letting the excess water droplets on his skin soak up into his towel as he continued to stare at the floor. He then took the clean clothes he had brought into the bathroom with him and got changed, brushing his hair and teeth in the process.
When he stepped back into their room, James could still see Peter sleeping in his bed, although he turned around onto his other side. James set his pyjamas down on his bed and checked the clock on the wall. It was almost nine now; he didn’t realise how much time he truly spent underneath the shower.
Standing in the room now, James could hear more chatter coming from the common room and more students from outside. He still had an hour or so left before he had to leave, but he didn’t feel like spending that hour in their dorm, so instead, he grabbed a book from his bedside table and quietly walked back down to the common room.
He was expecting Remus, Lily, and Sirius to still be in the same place, but as he entered the room, they were nowhere to be found. James wasn’t bothered enough to find out where they all went off to. Instead, he walked towards the door to their common room and out into the halls of Hogwarts Castle, which were still filled with the sticky, slimy mixture that allowed all their classes to be cancelled.
The halls were quiet, there was barely anyone around, a few students who were mostly making a pitstop at the kitchens for breakfast. Even the paintings were still fast asleep, apart from the occasional mothers with babies or the sheep hoarders who had to tend to their animals. James walked all the way to the top of the castle; he was a bit out of breath by the time he reached the tower’s door.
James doesn’t remember when the astronomy tower became a place of comfort. One night, when everyone had gone to bed, he decided he was too restless to fall asleep, so instead, he went on a walk. He wandered the corridors for hours. Walked every step and opened each and every door until he reached the door he was currently situated in front of.
Ever since that night, he has been coming as often as possible, during the day or at night. He never minded watching both the sun and the stars. As James walked towards the edge of the tower, he took off the jacket he threw on before leaving his dorm room and placed it on the floor together with the book he brought.
It was partially sunny today, and he started to wonder how life started. Watched as all the students, so miniature from a distance, wandered the Hogwarts grounds, either by themselves or with their friends. There was one person sitting next to a big tree; they had a cup of tea in one hand and a large book placed on their lap. At another tree, there was a group of students all huddled in a circle like penguins. They all seemed to be giggling at something, heads bent together. But from this distance, James couldn’t make out what exactly they were all enjoying so much.
He was so enamoured by life passing by around him that James didn’t realise the door was opening and closing behind him until he heard a familiar voice.
“Hey.”
He was early. He was always early for James.
James spun around slowly; a huge smile spread across his face when he saw the other boy standing in front of him “Well, hello you.” James walked away from the edge of the tower until there was barely any space between him and the boy left.
“Hello, you.” He mocked. A small smile started to spread across the boy’s face, something that is often only reserved for James. James tried to catch his gaze whilst smiling, and once he did, all he could think to do was wrap his arms tightly around the body before him.
“Hello gorgeous, hello beautiful, hello my love, hello my star, how has your beautiful, class-less morning been?” James whispered into the boy’s dark, curly hair.
“Shut up, James.” The boy in James’s arms said he put both his hands on James’s chest, carefully pushing him away so that their faces were mere inches away.
“What if I don’t?” James whispered, now looking everywhere but the boys’ eyes.
“Then I will sow your mouth shut.” The boy closed the distance between them until their lips softly pressed against each other. It was a welcome, a good morning, an ‘I love you’, a promise. It was everything James needed. He slowly brought his arms from around the boy’s shoulders and grabbed his hands. They were smaller but fit perfectly in the palm of James’s hand.
James had held the hands of people he loved before, but each time, it never felt the same way holding hands had been described in books until he held his hand.
James pulled away from the kiss and couldn’t hide the smile and the genuine happiness he was feeling. He leaned his forehead against the boy in front of him, and since the silence between them was growing, James spoke. “Smash.”
The boy laughed. It was quiet, it was sincere, it was a small huff that left the perfect shape of his lips. “You’re impossible, James Potter.”
“You love it, Regulus Black.”