Innocent
Regulus was surprised when he heard the sounds of two doors shutting not long after he’d left the room. He pulled out his phone, unsure which of them to text.
Reg groaned and rolled over. Sirius was right, and he knew that they were partially doing this for his benefit. So why was he now feeling so… impatient? The way Remus had reacted when Reg did his ‘never have I ever’ had surprised him. He’d expected a lot of glaring and blushing and spluttering, but for him to turn around and look Sirius in the eye while he drank, admitting that he found Sirius attractive. Well, that was new for Remus, and Reg, begrudgingly, was happy for him. For both of them.
When James had rushed back from the kitchen looking giddy saying that he had walked in on something, he hadn’t felt a pit of dread in his stomach like he thought he would. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe living his best Ross Geller ‘my best friend and my [brother]’ life wouldn’t be so bad.
The next morning, they were all hungover. Sirius for the first time in over a decade. Remus made them all breakfast and coffee and they piled onto the sofa to watch more Schitts Creek and suffer. Reg knew they thought they were being sneaky by holding hands under the blanket. Idiots.
“So, this is who you think Remus is?” Sirius said, as David Rose went to register his business and met Patrick. He wasn’t convinced.
“You’ll see it. I promise you.” Reg grinned. “Just watch.”
Sirius fidgeted around for a while until Remus sighed, let go of his hand, and put his arm around him, pulling him closer. Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder contentedly. Reg rolled his eyes and looked back to the TV.
🌙✨🌙✨🌙
Reg had claimed he needed a nap and taken himself off to his room, leaving Remus and Sirius on the sofa. They didn’t move for a while until Netflix asked if they were still watching.
“We should probably talk about stuff, right?” Remus said quietly.
“We don’t have to.”
“I know we don’t, but we should.” Remus kissed the top of his head and Sirius thought he was going to melt into the sofa and through the floor and maybe through the crust of the earth. “I’m not ready to like… fully 'trauma dump' on you, yet, I don’t think. But we should maybe set some boundaries or something?”
“Right.” Sirius nodded, “Hate the sound of that, but yeah. We should.”
“Ok.” Remus didn’t really know where to start.
“Are we… together?” Sirius asked quietly. “I don’t know what the terms are anymore, I fear.”
“You’re not seventy, Sirius.” He laughed, “Well, I’d like to be, yes. I just don’t want to rush you into anything. I know before, you were…”
“I got around as a teenager, yes. And then I spent ten years alone, albeit involuntarily.” Sirius said, always eloquent. “But I’m twenty-eight now. I have no plans to go out and do that, and no desire to. If you’re not… If we’re not ready, is ‘talking’ or ‘seeing each other’ still a thing people do?”
Remus smiled, “Yeah. That could be a good starting point. So… we’re seeing where it goes, so no other people involved.”
“You’re going to need to tell your friend at work to keep his poorly-lit dick to himself.”
Remus groaned, “I just don’t know how Reg orchestrated that. How could he know that I’d pick Caradoc, and how could he know how Cara would respond? I remain utterly baffled!”
“He’s a funny kid.”
“He’s twenty-six, Sirius.” Remus laughed. “You’re not wrong though, I suppose. Maybe he has Cara on speed dial or something.”
“One of life’s great mysteries.” Sirius leaned his head back on Remus’ shoulder. “Did he tell you that I thought you were his boyfriend when I first came here?”
“He did not!” Remus gasped, “You did?”
“Well, you were very… wilful in your defence of him. Also very angry. Also very…” Sirius mumbled the last part, “Attractive.”
“You know you can just say that to my face now right? As we’re seeing each other, or whatever?”
“Or whatever.” Sirius agreed and sat up, turning to face him. “I feel good about it.”
“Yeah, me too,” Remus said, kissing his forehead and grinning at Sirius’ surprised little smile. “Which is almost more terrifying than if I was terrified about it.”
Sirius nodded, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I… don’t know if I’m going to be any good at being with someone. With you.”
“I don’t have a great history with relationships. I’m not…” Remus sighed, he was going to tell Sirius everything, and he knew it. “Has Reg ever mentioned anything about how we met?”
“He said you met in inpatients.”
Remus nodded, “Obviously you know why he was… Your family suck! Reg had to stop me from crashing her funeral. Physically locked me in the flat.”
Sirius huffed out a soft laugh, “If I’d have known, I’d have been right there with you. We can go on a date and graffiti her headstone sometime.”
“Sounds perfect…” He took a deep breath, “My parents died when I was twelve, and I went into foster care.”
“Oh, Remus, I’m so—” Remus touched his arm gently and shook his head, and Sirius knew he wasn’t done, and the bottom fell out of his stomach.
**
“First foster family were amazing, an older couple, Minnie and Douglas, couldn’t have kids, I was with them just over a year, then he got sick and she had to give him round-the-clock care and couldn’t manage that and a depressed teenager. So she made the tough decision to send me back into care. She had no choice, I don't begrudge her that now. I was obviously pretty devastated at the time, though. She sent me a card and a cheque for my birthday and Christmas every year and we wrote to each other. Once I turned eighteen, I’d meet up with her for tea and cake a few times a year until she died last year.” Sirius knew he wasn’t done, so he left him the space to carry on when he was ready. “I was sent to another foster family, surprisingly quickly. A couple in their late twenties. I think maybe she genuinely wanted kids, but he wanted a teenager around for… other reasons.” The silence was crushing. “So… having nobody else, of course, I clung to him. Thought I was so special and grown up. He convinced me of course, that I was mature for my age, different from anyone he’d ever known and so very special.”
He looked over at Sirius who had gone whiter than the landlord-special-walls that surrounded them.
“It… he… he abused me,” Remus grimaced at the word, “for almost two years. The first time I said no, he broke my arm. The second time he… just didn’t listen.”
Sirius reached out and took Remus’ hand in his unconsciously.
“So that… went on for a few more months. Then I ran away. I was fifteen and couch-surfed for a few weeks until the police found me. I told them what was going on and Fenrir, the guy, convinced them I was a danger to myself so instead of anything happening to him, I got sectioned and spent almost eighteen months in hospital, where I later met Reg. I had zero desire to get better until I met him. He quite literally saved my life. I had nothing outside the hospital until he left it after a few months. I ended up back in a group home until I turned eighteen, but it was better than having to go back to Fenrir and Alecto.” He shrugged. “So, yeah. It means that I find it hard to trust people and sometimes… intimacy… can be a trigger for me for obvious… I’m sorry for dropping all of this on you, but I need you to go into this with your eyes open. Yes I’ve had a lot of therapy, and I’ll probably be on medication for the rest of my life, and that’s fine, but there are times when it gets bad again and if you do still want this, something with me, I don’t want to push you away when that happens.”
**
Sirius was quiet for a while, keeping Remus’ hand firmly in his. “You deserved so much better than that.”
“I did.” Remus nodded. “And it took me a long time to realise that.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Sirius said softly. “I can’t imagine it’s easy to talk about.”
“It’s not.” Remus nodded, biting the inside of his lower lip. “It’s easier than it was in the past, but my heart is still pounding, and I feel like I might throw up.”
“That might be the vodka from last night.” Sirius was glad when Remus chuckled softly. “You’re somebody I want to know. Like really, properly know.”
“Really?” Remus asked quietly.
Sirius nodded, “Absolutely. I’ve found you fascinating since the day I met you when you were all surly and enraged and mysterious. And I want to be clear that I don’t see you any differently after what you just told me. I feel angry for you, and I think I understand and appreciate you more now, but it doesn’t change anything about how I feel about you, ok?”
Remus nodded, his eyes a little watery. “Oh.” He said, “Well, fuck, Sirius.” He laughed, a little choked up.
“I’ve never been in a relationship as an adult, Remus. I might be terrible at this. I'm probably going to be terrible at this.” Sirius suddenly looked vulnerable. “I was genuinely a little worried last night that maybe I forgot how to kiss.”
“Can confirm you definitely didn’t!” Remus squeezed his hand. “We take things as slow as we need to, no pressure, no judgment. We communicate, probably too much at first to be on the safe side. We enjoy ourselves.”
“Take things slow. Communicate. Enjoy ourselves.” Sirius nodded. "Ok, I can do that."