Breathe
“Alright, love… Yeah, I’ll see you later. Think Reg’s making dinner about seven… I don't know, something with chicken, I think... Ok, yeah… Love you too… Bye.”
Regulus snorted and Sirius jumped as he turned around to see his brother leaning against the fridge, grinning at him. “How long have you been there?”
“Long enough. You got him to say the L-word?”
“I didn’t get him to do anything but yeah. I know it's… it’s only been a month or so.” Regulus gave him a look. “Ok, fine, a month and twelve days.”
“And do you? Love him?” Regulus asked quietly.
Sirius nodded, “I do. I know you probably think it’s stupid, and that I’m rushing into something after being alone for so long, but… Holy fuck, Reg.”
“And he says it? He tells you he loves you?” Sirius nodded, “I’ve… never known him to say that to a partner before. You’re sure?”
“Uh, yes. I’m sure. Unless he’s been telling me how much he loves juice sneakily for the last week.” Sirius frowned slightly. “You’re— He’s never said it?”
“I probably shouldn’t have said that.” Reg said awkwardly, “Shit. Uh. No, a non-zero amount of people have actually broken up with him because of it. It made no difference.”
“So… this is a good thing?” Sirius couldn’t read Regulus’ expression. “It’s a good thing right?”
“I mean, yeah.” Reg sounded surprised. “I assume he’s told you about… when he was a teenager.”
“Yeah. I…” Sirius huffs out a long breath, “I dunno, you get held in France against your will for a decade and you think, this is going to be so awful and awkward to explain to anyone I try and date in future, and then obviously, I didn’t even need to explain it to him, and then he told me how he ended up in hospital with you and… He’s just so… I mean, strong, but strong isn’t the right word, he’s strong, but he’s soft and he’s just…”
“Yeah, yeah, alright, gross, I get the picture.” Reg grimaced slightly. “So… how are you finding an actual relationship?” He said eventually.
Sirius chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, which was all it took for Regulus to become instantly nervous.
“I have no idea what I’m doing.” He said quietly. “He’s so… like you said ages ago, he’s as messed up as we are, but he’s so well adjusted, so… it’s like he’s all mature and he understands himself and I swear I feel so stupid sometimes. Like, I know objectively he’s had years and years to process and learn how to live with it. I’m what, two months into therapy, and I still haven’t had a session where I haven’t dissociated or cried so much I almost threw up, or both. I feel like I’m not in the same place as Remus and he’s going to realise any day now and he’s going to realise I’m too much work and just,” Sirius’ eyes were wide and flicking around the room unable to focus on anything, “ just too much in general and he’s going to leave, Reg.He's going to leave meand I can't be on MY OWN AGAIN. I CAN’T—”
Reg wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling him close and holding him tightly as Sirius sobbed into his shoulder. “He wouldn’t leave you for struggling, Sirius. He gets it. He would never do that.”
“But I’ve been… lying to him about being… ok. He’s going to think I’m an… idiot who can’t… even tell the truth about basic… things.” Sirius said between sobs. “Oh my god… oh fuck… oh fuck…”
“Sirius. I need you to listen to me. I need you to breathe. In through your nose and out through your mouth, ok?” Sirius nodded, trembling, as he tried to breathe, cut off over and over by body-wracking sobs. Regulus was getting slightly concerned. He managed to get the two of them over to the sofa and eventually Sirius started taking deeper breaths as Regulus rubbed his back.
After almost an hour of shuddering breaths, Sirius fell asleep in his little brother’s arms, and twenty minutes later, that’s how Remus found them when he got home from a meeting with a publisher. He initially smiled at the scene, but when he saw Reg’s expression and then took in Sirius’ blotchy face, he froze.
“Are you ok?” He asked quietly.
“Yeah, we’re both ok. He just had a little spiral that caused a panic attack.” Reg said softly, beckoning Remus over. “He's struggling more than he’s letting on.”
Remus looked at Sirius sadly. “Oh. I should have seen that coming. He’s still… You think he’ll talk to me about it?”
Regulus didn’t look sure. “I’d like to say yes, but I think it’s going to need to be something you bring up. He’s worried you’ll see him differently if you know he’s not as ok as he wants to be.”
“Oof. I feel that.” Remus nods. “Yeah, of course. You want tea?”
Regulus nodded, “Please. We also need to talk about something I heard today.”
Remus furrowed his brow, “What did you hear?”
“I heard that you’ve told my brother you love him.” Reg grinned at him.
Remus groaned quietly, “I thought you were going to break some more difficult news to me. Jesus, Reg!” He smiled at Reg, a little bashfully, “I have told him that, yeah. Because I do.”
“That’s fucking huge, Re!” Regulus whispered enthusiastically. “I’m happy for you both.”
“Thanks. Glad we could prove you wrong.”
“Shut up. Go and make the tea and then come back and tell me how your meeting went.” Regulus smiled as his friend as he left the room before looking down at his little brother. Sirius had both him and Remus to support him, he was going to be ok, he kept telling himself.
Remus set three mugs on the table, and upon Reg’s raised eyebrow, mumbled, “I’d feel bad if he woke up and there was no tea for him.”
“Disgusting.” Reg chuckled. “So. What did they say?”
“They’re interested.” Remus smiled, “Nothing signed yet, but they really like the idea of the re-do of the last book, complete with a ‘heartfelt message from the author’.” He shrugged, “I made sure they wouldn’t want me to be too open about reasons, and they’re fine with vague but sincere. I really think this is going to happen.”
Reg beamed at him. “If I wasn’t occupied I’d hug you so hard right now! That’s amazing. Fuck I’m so proud of you!”
Remus grinned into his cup of tea. “If it goes well, and it’s well received, they said they'd be interested in another series set in the same universe.”
“You’re kidding?” Remus shook his head. “Holy shit!”
“Yeah. It hasn’t really sunk in yet.” He sipped his tea. “I didn’t think I’d ever approach them about it, let alone have them agree.”
Sirius stirred against Reg’s side and then sat up suddenly. Reg’s hand was on his back in an instant.
“Hey, it’s Reg and Remus. You’re in our flat, you’re ok. You're safe.” He said softly and sighed as he saw Sirius remember and nod, body relaxing slightly.
Then he seemed to remember why he’d been asleep on the sofa and shot a pained look at Regulus. “I fell asleep? I don’t even remember leaving the kitchen…”
“Yeah, it all hit you pretty hard. You were hyperventilating for ages…” Reg kept his face neutral. “I know I speak for me and Remus when I say that while we obviously care if you’re struggling, we don’t care.”
“Fantastic wording,” Remus muttered.
“Well go on then potential publishing deal.” Reg rolled his eyes fondly at him.
“Neither of us is going to judge you or love you any less if you’re struggling, or having a bad day or week or month or, fuck it, bad years! All I need is for you to be honest with me and I’ll do whatever I can to support you, love. So will Reg… but I’ll look cuter while doing it, obviously.” Sirius chuckled softly as Regulus scoffed. “We don’t need to talk about it right now if you need some time to gather your thoughts, but I’d like to talk about it whenever you’re ready.”
Sirius eyes welled up. “Thank you.”
“Whatever you need.” Remus’ face was so soft and open that Sirius thought it might actually break him. “We get how hard it is to talk about but we’re both here for you completely.”
“The same way we had each other's backs a decade ago. We’ve got you. Ok?” Regulus said firmly.
Sirius nodded slowly, looking between his brother and his boyfriend with wide eyes. “Yeah. Yeah ok.” He said quietly.