Chapter viii
Regulus woke up.
Bad start already.
Despite not wanting to, Regulus woke up. That in itself was bad, and bad things always get worse.
Despite not wanting to, Regulus woke up in an unfamiliar place.
He really hated that.
He hated how he was laying on a bed and the duvet was tucked in around him, as if someone had taken the care to put him to bed.
He hated how his shoes were off and placed neatly at the foot of the bed, as if somebody cared that sleeping in shoes was incredibly uncomfortable.
He hated how he knew, instinctively, that his head was rested on two pillows, as if someone was worried about him overstretching his neck in his sleep.
He hated that, in truth, he knew exactly where he was. Even more, he hated having it proven to him.
"You're up."
The voice was quiet and gentle, in a way it almost never was, but Regulus would know that voice anywhere, in any lifetime.
"Why am I at your place, Sirius?"
There was a long silence, and Regulus felt the bed dip near his feet, knew Sirius must've sat down, just like when they were kids.
"Cause you needed to be taken care of."
Lie.
What a fucking lie.
Regulus bolted upright, crossing his arms and glaring, yet again, at his older brother. The way they fit best. "I don't need your fucking pity. I do plenty fine on my own."
Sirius looked unphased. "No doubt. But you needed my help. James came here with you passed out in his arms like the dramatic Victorian prince you've always been, told me what happened, and-" Regulus didn't hear whatever Sirius said next.
Oh.
What happened.
Right.
It seemed odd to Regulus that he could've forgotten, even for one groggy moment. Then again, who would notice a few more drops on already blood-red hands?
So why should Regulus notice?
Why should he remember?
Why should he care?
...
Why did he care?
...
Did he care?
Regulus wasn't sure that he did.
It wouldn't fit who he was to care. Regulus Black got very, very far by not caring. He was of a despicable breed, a breed full of those like his parents, who allowed and benefited from the pain, suffering, and eventual death of others. So one more unnamed death wouldn't make him care- the idea was laughable. He was just in shock, it was the first loss of life he'd seen in person, he was just reminded of his own mortality. That was it; he didn't care.
He didn't care.
He didn't-
"Regulus." So Sirius was still speaking- his voice was quiet, tearfilled, and oddly tender. Regulus wondered why, knowing Sirius had no tenderness left for him. It must've been pity. "Regulus, come on, let me try again. I'll do it right this time. Please."
Regulus almost smiled. Sirius always had been the noble one. "Sirius, you don't have to do all that. It'll end the same, you'll walk away again. So you don't need to waste your time and effort."
And oh. Oh, this was more normal. Sirius looked angry again, not sad. Not pitying. "I was a child. I was doing the best I could. You don't get to- to use that to hate me forever."
Regulus shook his head. "You did the right thing. It hurt, sure, but it was the right thing. I'm not saying you'll leave as an insult, I'm saying it as a fact."
"Oh, yeah? Then tell me, what makes you oh-so-sure I'll leave, Mr. Omniscient? Tell me, how do you know? Really, I mean it. How? You don't even know me anymore, so you don't get to tell me what I'll do."
"I don't need to know you now, I know your base qualities. You may be sentimental, emotional, turbulent- but in the end, you're smart, too. You have a knack for self-preservation, you won't stick around someone who's a poison to you."
Sirius sat for a second.
"A poison? What are you on, you're not-"
"Oh? Then please, tell me, why were you fighting with your friend, a much better brother than I've ever been, a person who took you in while I lived with the people who I believed killed you, never raising a dissent- tell me why you were fighting with James."
There was another silence as Sirius took this in.
"How did you know I fought with James? You weren't supposed to know."
"I heard. Doesn't matter how, I heard, so I know I'm messing your new, better, life up. I've always been poison to you. You know how it goes. Cain was never going to do anything but hurt Abel."
"...Well so what? That's a story. We both know you've never believed our parents' religious propaganda, so why start now? When it benefits you, when you can use it to prove your worthlessness? Stories don't prove truths. You know that."
"That's not the point! Not even remotely! Why can't you see it, Sirius? I'm a poison to you. And you want to know the worst part?"
"Regulus-"
Sirius may have wanted to say something.
Regulus didn't care.
"The worst part is that I don't even fucking feel like the heartless, psychopathic bastard I am. I can tell I am, looking at it logically, but I don't feel like it. I keep functioning completely fine."
"...fine? Do you even hear yourself? Need I remind you, you passed out after a woman died in your arms when the CPR you gave her in an attempt to save her life wasn't enough?"
"Yes, thanks, I really needed that reminder of my inadequacy, how there's another person's blood on my hands, thank you."
Sirius glared at Regulus, and everything was wrong. Regulus gave glares, he sent so many at his brother, but he was a filthy hypocrite and couldn't take what he gave.
"If you were a 'heartless, psychopathic bastard,' you wouldn't care!" Sirius punched the mattress, glowering at Regulus. "We both know you're smarter than this, so think it through. If you were heartless, you wouldn't give a damn about whether you were heartless."
Regulus stared. How could Sirius be so blind? It was right in front of him. Regulus didn't care. If he did, he'd have changed. But he hadn't, so he didn't.
"You're overly optimistic."
"Or maybe you're still listening to our parents. I'll see you at that boba place on Monday, if you insist on leaving because of this 'poison' idea."
"...Why the hell would I come?"
"Because you miss me."
Sirius said it like a fact, not a question. He was so sure Regulus was redeemable, but what when he found out he was wrong? He'd die from Regulus's poison or leave before it took him, like he always did.
"Did you not hear anything I said? I'm fucking poison. A snake."
"So you say." Sirius's voice was even but inarguably determined. "Well, if you really are that selfish- which you're not- you'll show up because you miss me, poison be damned. But if you're not so selfish? You'll have no reason to show up, so you will. Unselfishly. Because you're not poison and I miss you, too."
What?
"You? Miss me? Stop trying to pay your penance. I don't need your pity, I already said you did nothing wrong. You don't owe me anything."
"You're a jaded little bastard, you know that? Show up at one on Monday. Skip class if you have to, but be there. The boba place. I texted your roommate, your friend Barty will be here any minute to take you back to your dorm. They're worried about you, heard what happened."
"...you have Pandora's number."
"Remus," Sirius explained shortly.
Ah.
Sirius shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Monday at one."
Monday at one.