REGULUS
When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t help but not like the boy who stared back at me. The boy molded by his parent’s cruel hands, his mother’s sharp fingers, and his fathers sickly, withering skin. The boy who looked too much like his twin brother with curly hair falling below his shoulders. If my mother had seen me then, she would’ve probably said something like: “Tes cheveux ne sont pas propres et trop longs.” I turned to the side and pressed my hand against my chest. I’ve always been a skinny kid. My father used to tell me that I could eat the whole world and only gain a pound.
I sighed and turned away from the mirror and into my apartment. I’d only recently moved in here. You could tell. The boxes were still unopened. The only things out were my books and some necessities. I walked to my bed and sat down, picked up my phone, and opened my texts with Pandora.
Tea at the new place?
There was a new café that had just opened a couple blocks away. I figured Pandora and I would like to try it out together. I hit send and threw on a sweater. A few minutes later, Pandora responded.
Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got an essay to write.
I cursed under my breath and contemplated asking Barty or Evan, but hanging out with them always ended up with someone starting something and I couldn’t bother dealing with them. I sat down at the edge of my bed and laced up my boots, keeping them a little loose since the café was only a couple blocks away and blocks in the Financial District of New York City were moderately short.
When I reached the café, I opened the door to the cafe and embraced the warm air engulfing me as I walked up to the counter. “Hello, may I please have Earl Grey tea with no cream and no sugar?” I ordered quickly, not bothering to look up to the barista behind the counter.
“Bonsoir Regulus,” A familiar voice beckoned my eyes up to look at the boy staring back at him. It took me a bit, but I finally realized why I knew his voice so well.
“Potter,” I said sharply. James winced a little at the harshness of my voice.
“Been a while, yeah?” James pushed his glasses up on his nose and tucked his messy hair behind his ears.
“Yes,” I said quickly. “May I please have my tea?”
“How have you been?” He asked, completely ignoring my request. He tried to hide it, but I could hear the shaking in his voice. He was just as shocked to see me as I was to see him.
“Potter,” I snapped. “Just give me my tea.”
“Okay, Reg.” He exhaled and bit his lip a little, jutting his chin out. I remembered that face; it was the one he would make when he got frustrated. Some part of me was glad to see he hadn’t changed too much.
“My name is Regulus.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked away, not wanting to see James’ reaction to my dismissal of the nickname my brother had given me all those years ago.
“No more Reg, huh?” He tried to hide the surprise and hurt in his voice but I could hear it anyway. “Regulus it is then.” I watched him write Reg—ulus on the cup and set it aside. He paused and took a deep breath. “Gonna ask about Sirius, Regulus?” I froze at the sound of my brother’s name.
“I don’t care about him anymore, Potter,” I said stiffly before walking away from the interaction and sitting in the back corner, as far away from James as possible.
I sat down and kept my eyes glued to my shaking hands. I hadn’t thought about my James in so long, let alone my brother of all people. What is he doing here? The question ran through my head. I knew Sirius and James had run off to America together but why did they have to run off to New York City? Quite the popular destination, yes, but what are the chances that I walked into a café and James worked there? I rubbed my face and tried to keep my mind from running wild. I sat at the edge of the bench and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands as if that would transport me back home.
James called out my name, pulling me out of my trance. I looked up and saw James offering me a tight smile and pointing to my cup of tea. I scowled in return and walked up to get my tea but, of course, before I could walk back to the safety of my seat, James started talking again.
“You know, I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to all this time, Reg.”
“Regulus,” I corrected him. “And I don’t think I believe that one bit, James.” I took a sip of my tea.
“Sirius thinks about you, you know? He feels guilty about leaving you in France.” If I didn’t have any decency, I would’ve dropped my tea and run out of the café right there. Unfortunately, though, my parents raised me well.
“You don’t speak French anymore.” I pointed out, trying to change the subject.
“Non, je préfère le français. But, Regulus, I work in an American café.” He smiled but the smile failed to reach his eyes. “You’re not speaking French either.”
I stiffen but take another sip of my tea to try and make it less obvious. “I am aware of the language I’m speaking, thank you.” It was too painful to think about French, it always led to thinking about my father and how beautifully he spoke it. I watched James nod through my eyebrows, he’s always been good about reading body language. He adjusted his apron and exhaled deeply.
“Will I see you later?”
“I hope not, James.” I watched his face scrunch with pain. “Goodbye then.” I turned on my heel, unable to breathe the same air as him anymore.
As soon as I was outside and in the sharp, cold air again, I found the nearest trash and discarded my half-empty tea, hoping that with it, the interactions with James would get thrown out too. Of course, they don’t and they’re the only thing I can think about. I ran across the street and down the block to my building, racing up the stairs and into my apartment, safe from the world. I took a deep breath but it was cut short and I found myself gasping for air. I stumbled over to my window and opened it, hoping the fresh air would help me catch my breath. I sat down at the edge of my bed as the pins and needles started flaring up in my legs and arms.
This happened to me once before; when Sirius left me in France. When he left with his new best friend, his new ‘Brother’. When he left without saying goodbye, without even considering taking me with him.
I coughed and wiped away the tears flooding my cheeks. I shakily reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, opening my texts with Pandora and messaging her:
SOS.
In just under three minutes, I heard Pandora opening my door with her key and she came bursting in. “Regulus, what the fuck I thought you died or something!” She rushed over to my side and started rubbing my back. After a moment of silence, as my pathetic attempts at breathing filled the room, she asked the question I had been dreading since I texted her.
“What happened, Regulus?” she whispered. I shook my head in response. I didn’t have enough strength to talk about it. I didn’t then and I still don’t think strong enough at all. “Do you want me to talk?” she asked.
“Yes,” I wheezed out. Without hesitation, Pandora started rambling off about something that happened at school today, some guy that ran into his ex and it set off a spiraling event of drama.
Somewhere during her story, I stopped gasping for air, my limbs stopped feeling numb, and I stopped crying. Pandora stopped her story and looked at me wearily. “You’re alright now?” she said worriedly.
“I don’t think so, no.” I sighed, fidgeting with my shaking fingers.
Pandora ended up spending the rest of the day and night at my place, kindly leaving me in peace but being there if I asked her to. Throughout the night, I woke up to make tea, eat a leftover donut, anything to distract myself from thinking about Sirius and James.
When morning came around and Pandora woke up, I had already made breakfast, tea for me, and coffee for her. “Morning Regulus,” she yawned.
“Morning,” I walked over to her and handed her the plate of eggs and toast I had made for her. “There’s coffee in the pot.” I jerked my thumb over to the coffee pot on the counter.
“Thank you,” she smiled, taking a bite of her eggs. A heavy silence fell over us, practically begging me to talk about yesterday. Pandora pushed around her food on her plate and sighed heavily. “Regulus, are we just going to move past what happened last night or do you want to talk about it?” Pandora asked for the silence. I shook my head and walked over to the counter to pick at my food.
“I don’t think I can right now,” I said to my plate.
“Was it about Sirius?” she asked through a mouthful of eggs. Somehow, Pandora had always known what was going on with me, who or what I was sad about, and this was no different. I nodded and turned my attention toward her. “You know, he can’t hurt you now or make things worse. You’ve got me and Barty and Evan, despite how crazy they are.” She stood up and made her way over to me. “He left you there, but you’re here now, okay? You never have to see him or think about him again.”
“I ran into James at the café,” I admitted. “He told me Sirius thinks about me, that he’s guilty for leaving me there.” I felt the tears starting to well up in my throat but I took a sip of my tea to push them down. When Pandora didn’t respond, I looked up at her and I was met with a face full of concern.
“I don’t—”
“You don’t have to say anything, Pandora.” I cut her off, taking my plate to the trash and scraping my eggs and toast into it, placing my plate in the sink. “What happened happened and I can’t change it.” I looked at Pandora and she was staring at me disbelievingly. “Oh c’mon, Pandora. I’m not going to break down like I did last night again.”
“I’m sorry Regulus but I don’t believe that for a second.” She shook her head. “I know you and I know that when it comes to Sirius and James, you’re everything but happy and able to move on.” I clenched my jaw but I refused to admit how right she was. “It’s okay to be sad about it,” she continued. “You haven’t seen him since you were 13 and that was, what, five years ago? Six years now?”
I held my hand up like a stop sign. “I know you’re trying to help me, Pandora, but I’m fine. It would help me more if you would just go about your day and write your essay or whatever it is you have to do for school.” Pandora sighed and I knew she wanted to continue rambling on about how unhealthy it was for me to reject my feelings like that, but she was all too kind to say anything.
“Have you finished your schoolwork?” she asked lightly.
“Well of course,” I said quickly.
“Are you lying?”
“No, Pandora, I’m not lying.” I sighed. “Listen, just go about your life. I’ll let you know if I need anything else, okay?” I walked over to my door and opened it, inviting Pandora to leave.
“Okay, Regulus.” She stepped out the door. “I’ll text you, okay?” I nodded in response and shut the door.