It was supposed to be an innocent evening. They do it at least once a month, gather as an entire group because to do something (this month it was an Epic: The Musical watch party because nearly everyone was fed up with Remus, Lily and Regulus’ insistent nagging at everyone to listen to it) because life gets in the way far too much and no one can see each other as much as they used to. Regulus sat at one of the barstools at his kitchen island, scrolling through his phone while James and Remus tried to coach Sirius through using the air fryer. Regulus and James were hosting again because James was most comfortable that way and Remus and Sirius arrived first, like always, because as much as they liked to poke fun at each other, neither set of brothers could go very long without seeing the other.
Sirius had just managed to start the air fryer when Regulus came across a video in his TikTok for you page, one from Pandora’s page. It was taken in Evan and Barty’s apartment by the looks of it, both of them on either side of the living room shouting at each other while Pandora giggled behind the phone.
“Suspect bitches when his clients make a fuss when getting a tattoo but cries at every single one of his appointments!” Evan yelled.
The camera panned over to Barty as he gasped, hand clutched to his chest. “Suspect says his favourite band is The Tragically Hip but it’s actually One Direction!”
“You take that back!”
“Never!”
“Suspect gags at the sight of a vegetable!”
“Suspect can’t sleep without a night light!”
“Suspect thought that he didn’t have to wash his bath towels because he was clean when he used them!”
“Suspect doesn’t know the difference between ‘affect’ and ‘effect’!”
“It’s a difficult concept to grasp!”
“No, it’s not!”
Pandora’s giggles grew louder and both men turned to look at her.
“What are you laughing at?” Evan demanded, crossing his arms.
“Suspect is a woman-kisser and is so indecisive that she couldn’t choose between the two women going after her so she decided ‘why not fuck them both?’” Barty said and Pandora laughed harder.
“Suspect had an imaginary friend named Thestral up until she was eleven and had her entire family convinced she was schizophrenic.”
Pandora gasped. “You’re not invited to my birthday party!”
“What?! You can’t uninvite me! I’m your brother! Your twin brother! Your birthday party is my birthday party!”
“Figure it out, fucker!”
“Panda-”
Evan was cut off as the video ended but Regulus barely noticed. He was too busy laughing into his elbow, face unbelievably red.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “You good, Reggie?”
“I think Regulus has been swapped for a doppelganger. I’ve never seen him laugh like this.” Remus said.
Regulus didn’t reply, only slid his phone across the table. He heard the video start to play again and laughed harder. The other three inevitably joined in not too long afterwards.
“This is beautiful.” James said once everyone had calmed down, grinning at the phone.
“We should do it.” Sirius said.
Remus snorted. “Right, ‘cause that’ll end well.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. “Suspect is a party pooper.”
“Suspect can beat the everloving shit out of someone but cries at the sight of the moon.” Regulus joined in.
Remus gave them both a deadpan stare. “Not funny. And the moon is a valid fear, thank you very much.”
“Suspect has to use a cane because he once broke his ankle and refused to tell anyone about it.” James said.
“Y’know what, fine,” Remus said, crossing his arms. He pointed at James, “Suspect still sleeps with the same shark plush Mom and Dad gave him for his fifth birthday,” then at Sirius, “Suspect sometimes sleeps in jeans,” and then, finally, at Regulus. “Suspect once gave himself pinworms from biting his nails.”
The excuses were instant.
“I need Finley for emotional support!”
“Sleeping in jeans isn’t that bad!”
“I thought we agreed to never bring that up again!”
Remus smirked smugly at them all. “Look who can dish it but can’t take it.”
James squawked. “I can take it! But sleeping with stuffies isn’t a bad thing!”
“Suspect has been eating the same PB&J everyday for lunch since he was fourteen.” Sirius said.
“It’s good.” James mumbled.
“Suspect unironically listens to a song called Grenade in the Gravy.” Regulus put in.
“It’s beautifully produced and has several wicked keytar solos.”
“Suspect refuses to watch Nightmare Before Christmas because he’s ‘seen it too many times’ but can quote Tangled word for word.” Remus added.
James gasped. “Lies. Lies and slander.”
“He’s telling the truth, though,” Regulus said, laughing. “We watched it again last night.”
James opened his mouth to spew another excuse but upon coming up empty handed, merely grumbled under his breath.
Sirius smirked, staring at Regulus. “Suspect wet the bed until he was seven.”
Regulus didn’t even try to retort. Instead, he leapt over the counter and tackled his older brother to the floor. Neither Remus nor James tried to interject, far to used to it by this point and knowing it was far easier to let the Black brothers do their thing than try and put a stop to it. In fact, they moved out of the kitchen and to the living room so they were out of the way.
“Suspect has canceled plans more than once because he was having a bad hair day.” Regulus said, grunting as Sirius tried to wriggle out from underneath him.
“Suspect believed all horses were unicorns that had their horns amputated and harvested by witches.” Sirius shot back, clawing at Regulus’ back.
Regulus hissed and tugged on Sirius’ hair in reprimand. “Suspect jumped out of a tree because he thought he could fly.”
“Suspect is a manipulative little shit who would always convince everyone to give him the last cookie.”
“Suspect once made me dress up as him to sit his exam so he wouldn’t fail.”
Remus glanced over at James. “Thank god we’re not like that. Mom would have thrown a fit.”
James narrowed his eyes. “Suspect would purposely knock out his teeth so he could get money from the Tooth Fairy.”
“You don’t want to start this, James.”
“What I’m hearing is that you’re a little pussy.”
“Suspect once vomited in the middle of class because the room smelled funny”
“Suspect once thought milk was spicy.”
“Suspect cries when someone looks at him with the slightest hint of disappointment but has a degradation kink.”
James’ face flushed red and Remus cackled.
James picked up a nearby throw pillow and whipped it across the room, smacking Remus in the face. “Suspect wears Velcro shoes because he doesn’t know how to tie shoelaces!”
Remus stared at him, mouth gaping in shock before he set his jaw, picked up the pillow and lobbed it back. “Suspect plays Christmas music in August!”
James ducked. “Suspect can’t read!”
Remus grabbed another pillow and threw it. “I’m dyslexic, you fuck! Suspect refuses to get a neurodivergence diagnosis!”
James failed to avoid this one and it hit him square in the chest, hard enough to send him stumbling back a step. “Why pay someone to tell me something I already know?”
James grabbed both pillows, dual wielding them, before chasing after Remus, running in circles around the coffee table. “Suspect nearly set his house on fire because he didn’t know he had to clean the lint filter of the dryer!”
“That is a regular thing to be unaware of!” Sirius shouted from the kitchen, where he was slowly crawling his way forwards towards the living room despite Regulus’ unrelenting attempts to smother him into the floor.
“Suspect has unironically said the word ‘sigma.’” Regulus said between grunts, pushing Sirius’ head down again.
“Suspect was so deep in the closet he fucked half the school before he realized he was gay!” Remus added.
Sirius gasped. “Moony, you’re supposed to be on my side!”
“Not if you keep fucking calling me ‘Moony!’”
Sirius rolled over and threw Regulus off his back, the younger Black crashing into the dining room table. “Suspect can’t sleep without the fan on but always complains about it being cold!”
“Suspect takes naps in Stella’s dog bed more than she does!”
“Suspect wears alpha male t-shirts!”
James ignored the fighting between his brother and best friend and ran over to Regulus, who hadn’t bothered to get up after his fall and collapsed on the floor. “Reg? You alright, love?”
Regulus smirked. “I’m fine. Unlike the suspect, I can take a hit.”
James shook his head. Of course Regulus would keep up the game even after he was flung into a piece of furniture, like it was a typical everyday thing that happened and meant nothing. “Suspect is ridiculous.”
“Suspect can’t sleep without either cuddling so hard it could be considered strangling or practically being suffocated into the bed.”
“Suspect doesn’t get enough vitamin D.”
“Oh, I get plenty of vitamin D.” Regulus said in a sultry voice, winking as James grew red.
“Shut up.”
“Suspect is a prude.”
“Suspect acts like he’s the coldest mother fucker around but is actually a huge sweetheart.”
Regulus smiled softly and pressed a kiss to James’ forehead. “Only for you.”
James, overwhelmed with adoration, tucked his face into Regulus’ neck, who laughed and wrapped his arms around him. “Suspect is too soft to do this trend properly.”
“Suspect knows me too well.”
“Suspect has so much love for everyone else that he forgets to leave some for himself.”
“Suspect has to be reminded that he isn’t unloveable every time he makes a mistake.”
Regulus sighed, pressing his face into James’ curls. “Suspect is always warm.”
“Suspect is always patient with me.”
“Suspect is the kindest, most caring soul I’ve ever met.”
“Suspect is inflating my ego.”
“Suspects are cuddling - ew, gross - when they should be insulting each other!” Sirius shouted across the room, flailing around trying to escape the grip Remus has around his waist.
“Suspect is jealous!” James called back, surfacing for a moment before hiding in Regulus’ embrace again.
“Suspect wouldn’t hear me out on the Feeler!”
Regulus scrunched up his nose. “You mean the weird tongue monster thing from Labyrinthine? Suspect has disgusting taste.”
“Suspect would fuck his boyfriend’s dad!”
“Have you seen Monty?”
“I’m right here!” James squawked.
“And you’ll age like fine wine, baby.” Regulus said assuringly, tapping his shoulder.
“Suspect is sleeping on the couch tonight.” James grumbled.
Regulus raised a brow. “Suspect wouldn’t be getting cuddles tonight that way.”
“I have Finley, Goldfish, Tiny and Leo. And my weighted blankets. Plus, Caprisun likes to sleep in our room anyways. I will be perfectly fine.”
“Suspect named his cat Caprisun.” Remus said.
“I had to talk him out of naming him Dirt,” Regulus added.
“Suspect had me rehearse asking out his boyfriend for the first time with him, only to completely abandon the plan the second he actually saw him.”
Regulus glared at Remus. “Suspect thought chartreuse and crimson were the same colour.”
“Suspect took yoga classes for a year to see if he’d become flexible enough to suck his own dick.” James said.
“It was for science!” Sirius shouted. “Suspect got too relaxed in the one yoga session I dragged him along to and he pissed himself halfway through!”
The room quickly devolved into chaos again. So much so that they didn’t even notice when the rest of their friends piled in until Mary started laughing at them. They also failed to notice that Peter had recorded the part they’d walked in on until it showed up on Regulus’ for you page a day later.