silent signs

Christmas holidays came and went by in a haze. Evan never talked to his parents. Evan never went out to meet his friends. Barty and he never really talked about the incident they had weeks ago. They talked and acted as if nothing happened, but they all knew it was a facade.

All of the boys were moody for their own reasons. Regulus was because Sirius said he would leave, and now he waited until the day it would happen. Evan wanted to say that he behaved like a brat. Sirius wanted him to leave with him, but he turned him down, deciding to stay in misery forever. He had the chance to leave and let it pass. It infuriated him. Regulus had his brother. His brother was his chance. His chance to leave for good, if he wasn't so stubborn...

Evan's parents drove him insane, always demanding and not caring enough, only if he stepped out of line. If that happened, he had their hands on his body faster than he blinked. But he lived through it. Somehow running out of the house was not the thing he found comfort in since his fight with Barty. So he endured. He woke up, ate, went in his room, hopefully did not end up in a fight, ate again, and slept. The best days were when his parents went out to meet friends. It was a wonder they had some, he often thought. What every day had in common was the way his thoughts always wandered to Barty at some point. He missed him badly. At the same time, he was angry and just wanted space. He still waited for the boy to tell him what was going on back then, but he never did. They didn't text, and so a lot of days went by, and Evan spent alone.

Pandora came over when the holidays started before she went on vacation with her family. He missed her too. Regulus didn't send texts, too occupied with his own life, which was fine. Dorcas did though. On good days they would also call, talking for hours. Evan was surprised about this development and surprised to realize she was in fact a really important friend for him. With sneaky questions, she often tried to coax him to tell her about him and Barty, but he sidestepped it every time. Instead he listened to her tales about her days and found himself wishing she could come over, which was not possible. His parents did not allow other people than Pandora in their house and there was no way he was going outside.

First of all, he wanted to avoid Barty at all costs, and secondly, he just didn't want to. To rot away in his room was the better choice.

He stared up at the white ceiling of his room, wondering about everything and nothing, being unbearably bored. It was the last day. Tomorrow school would start again. The first time, after a long while, he had to step outside. Scary.

He felt excited about it. His friends were in school. He felt lonesome, not that he would admit it loudly, but he really was. So he felt caught red-handed when the door swung open. His cousin stepped in, looking around before walking over to his bed.

“Make place for me,” she demanded. Evan moved aside until his side was pressed to the wall. Pandora let herself fall next to him. For a while both cousins stared at the ceiling, not talking. He breathed her smell in. Sunscreen mixed with lavender and a faint touch of roses.

He listened. His parents seemed to talk with hers. For a long time, the chattering in the distance and the rhythm of their breaths were the only things to hear. Pandora was the first to break the calm. “When will you and Barty talk again?”

He tensed, chewing on his lips. His eyes still focused on the ceiling. It was an ugly white, boring, and not in the slightest interesting.

“Evan?” She said his name softly. Her eyes clung to him. A sigh escaped his mouth, and he swallowed. His throat felt dry.

“I don't know. I still wait for him to tell me what happened back then. He doesn't seem to care,” he replied and sounded awful bitter about it. How pathetic he was to wait until Barty would come back. But he really didn't know what to do about it. He kissed Mary, yes, but it didn't mean anything, so why would he still pretend it mattered? As if Evan fancied Mary McDonald, when in truth it always had been Barty? Not that he could tell him that.

“What was your fight even about?” She asked. That was also the thing Evan lost track of. Or better put, he didn't understand why it was about him in the first place.

“About me kissing Mary or whatever. I don't know anymore,” he shrugged, rubbing his hand over his eyes, feeling utterly exhausted.

“Regulus said I should move on if I don't want to talk about what I am feeling for him,” he stated, and the talk he had with Regulus suddenly felt like ages ago.

“Don't you want to talk about it? It might help to get it off your mind.”

For another time of many, he thought about it, picturing himself in front of Barty while he told him he had a major crush on him. He never was able to paint out how the other boy would react, because it was a big thing for him, for them. This was something they would go through or something that would destroy their friendship completely. And even though he could sometimes kill Barty, he highly valued him as a friend. He was a friend he never wanted to lose and miss.

“Not really, I think... I don't want to lose him.” He sighed, finally turning away from the ceiling to look at Pandora. Their eyes met.

“But what if he feels the same?” She asked. Her words let his heart flutter. What if...

“He said he likes girls.”

And Regulus once told him there was a time he thought that too. So what if... His heart clenched while he stopped himself, destroying the hope as soon as it reached his consciousness. Pandora's eyes looked the same as Regulus' when he had talked with him about it.

“You will never know if you don't try.”

°° °°

Barty was in his bed. His bed was the most comfortable place since days, since the fight he had with Evan. He missed him a lot, but he didn't know how to reach out, how to explain, because this was what Evan expected, wasn't it? He said it himself.

His mother checked on him constantly, never leaving him alone in his own misery. As if she was able to help when he fucked things up. When he was sick of himself and the way he kept destroying things he laid his fingers on. He was on the best way to destroy the friendship he had with Evan just because he wanted to kiss him. How ridiculous was this?

So the biggest question in his mind was, how to fix this? How to reach out to Evan? How to do it without telling him he wants to kiss him?

A knock on his door, again, for another time. Barty pulled the sheets over his head, yelling a no in the door's direction. The door opened anyway. With a groan he sat up, pulling the sheet off his head, glaring at the intruder expecting his mother, but in fact it wasn't her but Dorcas.

“Hell. When was the last time you opened your window?” She asked. She had freshly made braids, not as long as her last ones. She closed the door, making a bee-line for the window to open it widely. Barty still gaped at her.

“What are you doing here?” He grumbled with a scowl. She turned, putting her bag down before she took a look around. “Talking some sense into you. And we will talk. I will not leave until we talk through it,” she replied. Without asking, she let herself fall on his bed, looking at him. “So?”

“So? So what?” He repeated.

Dorcas rolled her eyes. “What happened between you and Evan?”

Barty considered lying, to say nothing again, but as he sent a look to the girl, he knew she wouldn't have it, not today.

“I fucked up. I made Evan leave,” he replied with a sigh. His fingers wandered through the mess of his hair. “I brought the topic with Mary back. And please don't ask me why. I was just so angry at the moment.”

“Why?” Dorcas asked, completely unfazed by his plea before. He glared at her, bewildered. She didn't back up.

“Seriously. Why do you keep pestering about Mary? Did he ever say he fancies her?”

He groaned. His back hit the mattress when he let himself fall back.

“We talked about it. He doesn't like her in that way,” he muttered, closing his eyes. He felt an ache building up behind his eyes.

“So?” she pushed, and Barty hated her silently for it. Why was she like that? Always pushing him to the things he didn't want to think about. For him, it was easier to not look into it, to ignore it, and hope it would go away someday.

“I-”

“You? You what?”

“Shut up, Dorcas.”

“No, not until you spit it out.”

He sat up angrily, glaring at her. She wasn't impressed in the slightest, sending him a glare in classic Dorcas style back.

“I want to kiss him.” It left his lips before he knew it happened. She was still not impressed. “And?”

“And what?” he snapped at her. His fingers wandered back to his head, pulling on strands. He felt vulnerable; he told her something he wanted to keep secret, and all she had to say was, And?

“What way should I react? Do you think I care about which person you want to snog?”

The answer stunned him and calmed his mind down, which was weird after long weeks of spiraling.

“You act like it's the world's end. But believe me when I tell you nothing will happen. The world doesn't break apart, and the sun's still shining. So what if Barty Crouch wants to kiss a boy? All fine,” she said with a gentle smile.

“But it's Evan.”

“The world will still not end. It's Evan? Okay, fine. I will say it now and as often as you need me to say it, so here we go: You're allowed to feel. Let it in. Let yourself feel, even though you don't know the feeling.”

There was nothing. No answer, no disagreement he could shove in her direction. She was right. Barty knew that. There was no point in disapproving of her point. Still, he felt no less weird about it. Evan was still scared away by his words. Their fight was now weeks ago, and he still didn't reach out to talk with him or to apologize. Nothing was fixed. All he knew was the fact he wanted to kiss Evan the same way he kissed Mary. It didn't fix anything.

“Wow, more enthusiasm, please. You have to make up for your own stupidity, don't you?” She nudged his leg a little bit.

“I don't know how,” he cried out, not wanting to get up at all. To face Evan now was also a scary thought to begin with.

“Well, just apologize and get high or something. But stop to rot away in your room and also take a shower. You definitely need one.”

°° °°

Their friend group met again in school, which was weird, because under normal circumstances, they would have met up more often. But a lot of things had shifted. Evan felt nervous about returning and seeing Barty again after a long time, or what felt like a long time for him.

Regulus sat next to him, his nose hidden away in another book he used to escape reality. They still hadn't talked about the fact he turned his chance down to leave. Evan wasn't sure how to open this topic. In his eyes, Regulus' behavior was just stubborn. He had a brother, and he just threw it away, because why? Because he was too proud? His green eyes didn't even look up when his brother's gang had passed by. James Potter was not interesting enough today. Which was a wonder in itself with all the pining Regulus did before. Evan's eyes were glued on his friend's brother, who sent a look to his younger brother, eyes turning sad.

Pandora and Dorcas joined them, pulling both of them in a hug. Dorcas and Evan's hug lasted longer than their hugs used to before.

“It's good to see you both. I missed you,” she greeted both of them, fetching Regulus' book out of his hands. He directly started to complain.

“Shame on you. You never gave a life sign. You could have died for what I know,” she grumbled, clearly annoyed about it. One glare of hers made Regulus shut up and mutter a silent apology. Evan couldn't stop the amusement bubbling up inside him. The book wandered back into the boy's hands.

“I'm going to find Marlene. I didn't see them for days, so bye-bye my sweethearts. I'm sure we will meet again.” Her turn was as dramatic as her words. In seconds she was gone. Pandora's smile grew, her eyes switching between her cousin and her friend.

“This year will be great!” She promised with a wink. She was so sure of it, even Evan believed her. Still... He would believe it first when the greatness would happen. Next to him, Regulus lowered his eyes. A silent question lay hidden in his cousin's eyes when she found his eyes, but he shook his slightly, mouthing, Not here. More wasn't needed; she understood, dropping the topic. Instead she started to talk about the nature club. Today she would attend to it for the first time after the holidays again. Her eyes glowed with her excitement as she talked about Lily. “She's amazing. I'm so happy to be back and able to talk with her. Talks with her are so refreshing. I always learn something new. Also, she is so pretty!”

Regulus sunk into misery next to him without Pandora's notice. It was because Lily was James Potter's love interest. He always made a show out of how mental he was about her. For the black-haired boy, it was torture to see his crush fainting over his self-chosen love. The taste was bitter when one considered James was also his older brother's newfound family. Evan turned it over in his head, asking himself if that was the reason for Regulus refusing to leave. He seemed to want no part in Sirius' new life with a loving family and a relationship. Both things that were unreachable for the younger sibling.

“I wish you could meet. I'm sure you would love her.” Pandora ended her talk about the red-haired girl she was such a big fan of. Evan smiled at her. Sure she was, when she made his favorite person beam in this way. “She sounds like a lovely person. Maybe we will have the chance someday. I mean, you and Dorcas are both now in some kind of relationship with them, aren't you?”

“Yes, all of them are amazing. Mary too. I started talking with her before the holidays started.”

His muscles tensed unintentionally with her name. A wave of shame washed over him. The memory of him running away yet clear enough. He left her behind like a thief. Not that he even stole something besides a kiss.

“You two are fine, by the way,” Pandora assured after she caught his expression.

He didn't want to dig deeper into the topic, and so only he replied, “I'm glad. We should go to our classes.” And so they did.

Barty was too late, disrupting their teacher, Mrs. McGonagall, who sent dark glares in his direction. In his typical attitude, he beamed at her, completely ignorant about her disappointment. With his first step in their classroom he caught Evan's attention. Unaware as always, he sat down next to Regulus with eyes sticking on the back of his head. It was the first day after a long time of not seeing each other. Both of them still had no talk to make up for their dispute. He was rather surprised when they ended up alone in the classroom after the break started. Pandora and Regulus left already. Evan put his books in his bag, looking up to find Barty's eyes on him.

“Hi,” Barty said after some minutes passed in silence in which they just stared at each other.

“Hi,” Evan hummed back, waiting for more and still staring. The eyes of the other boy went through a lot of states. Evan wasn't able to understand them, but he saw it, so he gave him time to sort his thoughts. There was time, enough to start a conversation, to go back to being friends, which he wanted. Barty was part of him, an important part to begin with. There was no life he wanted without him. Only the thought of not having Barty around left him to curl and throw up. Evan was no Evan without Barty. In all means, he wouldn't be the person he was and would be never again.

“I'm sorry. I really am,” Barty whispered after a while. His voice broke and shattered. Evan felt how he softened. How his shoulders gave in, and how his head stopped hurting. Until this moment, he didn't even know it ached to begin with, but with the pain away, his mind became more clear.

“You never texted,” Evan stated, and it made Barty whine.

“I thought I fucked everything up with you. I missed you so much, and I'm an idiot.”

If Evan was angry before, he wouldn't remember, because now he was fine. Barty was in front of him. Barty was here with him. They talked again. His mouth corners lifted without his influence. He had no control over it, not how his joy broke out of him, too intense to hold it in. Because Barty was here and looked at him.

His stomach fluttered. His chest felt funny and his head fuzzy.

“I missed you too, and I'm sorry too for not being able to talk about my emotions,” he replied, the words sounding slightly breathless.

“So... We're fine? I didn't fuck up?” Barty was insecure in his voice and his body posture.

“I decided to be your friend after you insulted me. So, if you're mean to me, and even though we fight, you will always be my friend. I guess it's normal. Friends fight from time to time,” Evan replied. Blue eyes burned into his soul, setting him on fire. For Evan, Barty was foremost his friend. For their friendship he would always try to push his feelings behind, even though it was hard, even if it pained him and ripped him apart, but Barty and he, it meant everything. Barty was a difficult person to love, but it would always be worth it.

He was sure of it, even more so as two arms pulled him in an embrace. His own arms slung around the other boy. He breathed him in, his smell and his essence. All he wanted was to crawl inside him, to rip himself open to hide the other boy away. All he wanted was him in so many different ways. Evan told himself it was fine.

“I missed you too,” he whispered in Barty's ear. The other boy trembled lightly. His arms held him more tightly in reaction. The brunette stepped closer, his legs tangled with Evan's, while he felt the table pressing against his lower back. It was as if they melted into each other. Their body parts connected with each other until Evan wasn't sure where he ended and Barty started. It felt warm and soft. Their heart seemed to beat in the same rhythm. Evan liked everything about it, never wanting to let go. Barty was possessive in the way he claimed Evan's space, in the way not even the tiniest thing would fit between them. Somewhere in between, Evan ended up sitting on the table. His legs slung around Barty, holding him in place, while his nose was hidden away in the brown hair. In their own world, nothing else existed. Only their breaths were hitching and the beats of their hearts matching. Evan placed a soft kiss on Barty's head, in hope he wouldn't know. Because his feelings had to be secret. His love. Love. Love. Lovelovelove...

In the end, the sound of the clock reminding them that the break was over and classes started pulled them back to the surface, back to reality. Barty had a confused look in his eyes, looking around, as if he forgot where they were. His grin was smug as he looked up to meet Evan's eyes. “Wanna skip?”

°° °°

They laughed as they left the school grounds behind, walking back to their houses. Evan balanced on a wall that was the border between the street and a deserted, overgrown garden. The air was icy. The clouds hung low, foreboding the snow that would come in the next hours.

“Do you think the others will miss us?” Barty asked, grinning up to him. Evan stopped in his tracks to turn his eyes to him.

“Well, we just attended the first period. They will probably wonder where we are,” he replied. He flashed a sly grin before he opened his mouth again to mock him, “If they miss you? I am not sure.”

The outraged sound that followed made Evan laugh and turn to run as Barty started to climb the wall to chase after him. “Take that back!”

“Never!” He felt light since they made up and since their hug. His feet flew over the stones until he reached the wall's end. With ease he jumped down to continue their chase on the way. But since they were little children, Barty was the faster one of them. He would know since they made a lot of bets in P.E. Evan almost lost every time. On the wall he gained the advantage of caution. Both of them didn't want to end up falling, but on straight ground, he lost his lead as soon as Barty left the wall too. In seconds a hand yanked him back. The big smile hit his core, and he wished he could kiss him, kiss the dimples that showed when his face lit up.

“Take it back,” Barty demanded, holding him close to him. Evan laughed at him, shaking his head. “No.”

“Oh, you will definitely take it back.”

Long fingers entangled in his light locks, pushing some strands that went astray back. Now Barty wasn't only holding his arm but also gently pulling his hair. Evan burned up, sure he died by how overwhelming the brunette was. The closeness, the touch, and the tug in his hair. He loved everything about it. He felt his restraint falter, which made the whole situation dangerous. And even though the temptation was alluring and those blue eyes challenging, he stopped himself from giving in. “Okay. Okay, I take it back!”

“As I said. Lovely how you falter.”

With Barty's hands gone, the sensation fell away, leaving both of them breathless. In silence they walked back the rest of the way to Barty's home. His parents weren't home, which gave them the chance to sneak unnoticed into the boy's room. Evan pulled himself out of the jacket and his scarf as soon as the door closed behind them. Barty put on music while Evan took his time to look at all the stuff lying around on his table.

“It feels illegal to skip off school so early,” Barty commented after the first song started. Evan felt his eyes on him.

“Yeah. But it's fun,” he agreed, turning his head to meet the other's eyes. He teased, “Feels secret and dangerous.”

Barty looked at him, his lips opened slightly. The view let his heart flutter. The air felt as if something had shifted between those two teenagers. Not that he was able to pinpoint what exactly, but it felt thrilling.

For a while they stood in front of each other just taking another in. Something in Evan clicked when he stepped closer, not too close. His fingers played with the hem of his sweater.

“I'm gay,” he stated suddenly, waiting for a reaction. Barty didn't move, just eyed him. His brows were furrowed, working through Evan's statement.

“Okay.”

That was it, and it made the moment real. Two friends standing in front of each other, one of them outing himself. It felt like a big bomb had dropped, but nothing happened. The world still turned around its own axis. They were still friends. Evan said he was gay, and Barty accepted it, just because he can.

“I still have weed. If you want?” Barty said next, moving on. Mischief stood written in his face.

“Perfect.”

Barty was responsible for rolling the spliff, while Evan opened the window, shutting the curtains. Done with his task, he mustered the brunette while he finished his own task with finesse. For a short moment he fantasized about those hands. But before his imagination went wild on the idea of those hands on his body and pulling his hair as they did minutes before, he snapped out of it.

Barty stood up and invited him to join him on his bed. He gave the joint to Evan, as well as his lighter. Evan put it between his lips, using the lighter to light it up. His eyes searched for Barty. Finding his eyes already looking back.

“So, no girls?” The question came out with a breath, almost vanishing in silence. Evan sucked the sweetness of the drug in. It wandered down to his lungs and back up out of his body system.

“No girls,” he said. The joint ended up in the other's hands. With fascination he watched the way the other smoked in front of him. At some point, he probably got tunnel vision, only seeing Barty and nothing else.

But the next time he opened his eyes, the ceiling over him was prominent. He groaned but smiled when he found Barty next to him, taking a last breath of the dying spliff.

“Share,” Evan demanded, leaning over him. Barty lifted himself up, closer to him until their lips were only centimeters apart. With one hand he grabbed his chin. Fingers were digging into his skin. Evan let his lips fall open, and Barty breathed the smoke out and in his mouth. It was sweet, tempting. Blue eyes lowered down to his lips. Evan wanted to lean in, but there were footsteps coming close. Both of them widened their eyes, pushing away from each other.

“Fuck,” Barty cursed, getting up from his bed.

“Is it your father?” Evan heard himself ask. His voice sounded far and distant, as if it were its own part, not belonging to his body. He didn't know what the answer was, but the door soon enough flew open. Martha Crouch stood in the entrance, looking around, before her eyes settled on both boys.

“Hi!” Evan greeted her, not able to control the smile that appeared on his face. If she answered, he wouldn't know.

In the end, both of them ended up in the kitchen, sitting across from Barty's mother. Both of them were still high, not as extreme as before but still.

“I presume both of you were not in school all day,” she stated, taking a sip of the tea she had made five minutes ago. Another two cups stood in front of the boys. Evan clung to his as if his life depended on it.

“Don't you try to deny it, Barty. I know you and this look. I don't have to inform you about the consequences.” Barty stopped his attempt, being shot down before he even started.

“I'm also not really happy to find you two drugging yourself. If you do it, then be smart about hiding it. You know your father. If he finds out-”

“Yeah, don't worry.” It was now Barty's turn to shot his mother down. Evan stared at them, surprised about how normal this conversation went. His mother was not loud, did not scream.

“I hope you will not overuse drugs. Weed is also addicting, and I know it is tempting to consume it, because it's fun and everything, but keep this in mind. You can also have fun without being high.”

“Yes,” both muttered at the same time.

“Good. Do you want cinnamon biscuits?”