silent signs

Barty's mother surprised Evan with her reaction. His parents, however, didn't react nicely. Some teacher snitched on them, telling them that their son didn't attend lessons after the holidays. It brought a lot of problems with it. His father used his hand for punishment, leaving bruises behind that Evan had to hide. In the next few days, he had to get up early to put make-up on those specific parts. Evan wasn't an early riser, so he got some mood swings about the fact he had to leave his bed early.

To add to this, he wasn't allowed to meet his friends or just to go outside for a month. His parents also took his phone. For one month Evan's life was all about getting up, eating, school, home, schoolwork, eating again, and sleeping. It bored him out of his mind, driving him insane. Not even Pandora was allowed to pay him visits. The only chance to talk with any of his friends was during school breaks, since he also settled on full concentration. If he got bad grades, his parents most likely would get angry at him and change one month to two or more. Besides, studying was the only thing he was able to do. Reading was also an option, but he grew easily bored over the books he had read so often in his life.

He missed going out. Spending time in his room suddenly felt like being caught in a cage. No one to talk to. Nothing to do. When he still had one week and a half left, Barty started missing school. The others told him he was sick. Somehow time seemed to stop without him around them. Days passed slowly. Evan started to count down, excited to be able to leave soon.

Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.

On day x, also day zero, his grounding was finally over. No bruises were left anymore. Winter was in its last days, with February passing by. Soon enough the days would grow warmer. It was a Friday, and Barty was still not back to school. After the last period, Evan left the school and found himself in front of Barty's door. The bell rang in the distance. It took some minutes before the door opened. Martha Crouch looked at him with a welcoming smile. With her it was easy; he could smile back, have normal conversations, and she gave him hugs to greet him.

“Come in. Do you mind taking some biscuits upstairs, dear?” She asked, already walking to the kitchen. Evan followed her after he put his shoes and his jacket away. The smell of cinnamon lingered in the air. “Here you go,” she said as he reached the kitchen entrance. Warmth laid its arms around him, lulling him in. It felt like home (as long as Mr. Crouch was not home). A serving of biscuits was pushed into his hands. “Cheers,” he thanked her. She beamed at him in the same way Barty always did.

He followed the known path to Barty's room, entering without knocking.

“Can't you knock, Mom?” Barty complained from the desk. His back was turned to Evan, who let the door fall shut. “Except I'm not your mom,” he teased, being overwhelmed by the feeling of home. Barty's room felt like home. Barty was home. Said boy turned around, his face lit up. “Ev!”

Evan walked over to the desk, putting the plate down. One biscuit found its way into his mouth. “I'm a free person again.” He told his friend proudly, peeking over his shoulder. A messy sketch was lying on the table. Another biscuit wandered in his mouth. It was the most delicious snack he ever had. The paper was turned by Barty's hand, their faces suddenly so close, Evan felt the other's breath hitting his skin. He shivered.

“You're sick?” He asked, checking Barty's face.

“You can say so. Wanna chill on my bed?”

They switched their place, relaxing on the bed only seconds later. The biscuits also were in reachable distance.

“Fuck, I'm so glad to be out of my room.” Evan groaned. “Happy you're able to come over again.”

An arm slung around his chest, the brunette nudging closer to him. “Me too. Yours is so much better.”

“You say this only because of my mom's biscuits.”

“Also, but I mean it.”

“Sure you do,” Barty muttered. Evan exhaled deeply, enjoying the feeling of safe arms around him and the warmth of a body that didn't hurt him.

“What did you draw?” Evan asked, listening to the rhythm of their breaths. Fingers were stroking over Evan's stomach, drawing invisible patterns on his sweater. It made him sleepy. More than one time he caught his eyelids falling shut. Surrounded by his friend's smell, he also felt tugged in. The temptation of letting go and just sleeping. Safe. Love. Home.

“Nothing special. I just drew.” Barty replied, his voice close to his ear. He let it slip, not knowing what to ask about it while he felt himself drifting away. “I'm happy you're here with me.”

The next time he opened his eyes, the warmth of another body was gone. The smell of Barty still hanging around since he slept every night in those sheets. His eyes were not focused, and with a dizzy feeling, he sat up, looking around. Barty was not in his room, so he just let himself fall back to crawl into his smell. His head felt warm as he hid his nose in one of the pillows.

As he heard footsteps coming to a halt on the other side of the door, he let go of the pillow, acting as normal as possible. He definitely did not get excited about breathing in his crush while wishing he could consume him whole. Seconds later, Barty entered with light footsteps. It was sweet how he tried to be extra silent. Evan watched him with awe and amusement. Blue eyes stopped as they reached him. “You're awake.”

“Sorry, I slept in.” Evan apologized. His cheeks felt still warm. The door closed once again. The boy came closer. “You don't have to apologize. I don't care if you sleep here.”

Barty mustered him, lifting one brow. “Are you fine? Your face is red.” He asked. If the world could swallow him alive, Evan would gladly obey. His hands dragged over his cheeks. “Yeah.”

While Barty stepped closer, he found something to pull the attentive eyes away from him. There was something different. Not a really big change, but a little one. “You've got lip piercings?” He gasped, reaching out as Barty stepped close enough that he was able to pull him closer. His fingers grabbed the chin of the other to turn his face as he needed it to as he examined his lips. On both sides a ring adorned his lower lip. When he looked up to meet his eyes, blue eyes bored into him with magnetic force. His knees went weak.

“I got them last week, so it still hurts like shit, but I always wanted snake bites,” Barty told him. His voice was swelling with pride.

“It's hot,” Evan whispered, his fingers' grip weakened. “Should have done it earlier if I would have known you faint over me.” Barty teased him, catching a punch into his stomach. “Fuck off.”

°° °°

But it was undeniable. Evan was fainting over him, in silence. Barty had always been good-looking, but damn. The piercings did add a ridiculous sexiness to his whole appearance. He was not the only person thinking this way. At once, girls pinned over his friend, which was ridiculous. Evan liked him before he had his piercings. How come girls acted as if he was walking sex out of the blue, and that just because of some piercings?

Barty, of course, enjoyed this attention, not missing out on the chance to flirt. Sometimes he vanished, coming back with rosy cheeks and messy hair, his school uniform not looking the same as before. It was painful to watch, but Evan was rather good at pushing back his emotions. So he endured. After all, he reminded himself, they were friends, nothing more.

They used their break to learn together. Barty was gone again. Evan felt bitter. Dorcas checked the library entrance for the tenth time in the last few minutes.

“I can't believe he ditched us to fuck,” she snarled. For some reason, she was also pissed. Both she and Barty ended up in fights over the last two weeks. No one of them knew something about it, besides most likely his cousin. Somehow Pandora knew everything already. She went through her English notes, muttering words under her breath. She lifted her head at Dorcas' comment. Regulus and Evan also stopped in their work. Both of them were going through their chemistry flashcards.

“I think he's having a hard time currently.” Pandora said, shrugging. Dorcas laughed about her answer, shaking her head. “Hard time? He's fucking around. The only hard thing is his dick.”

Regulus and Evan exchanged a look. Both of them cringed at her words, but she probably had a reason why she was mad at their friend.

“Don't work yourself up about him. Ignore him until he touches the ground again.” Regulus soothed her, or, better said, he tried. Dorcas wasn't really satisfied with his words, nor did she calm down. Still fuming, she turned a page in her book.

“I'm sick of his idiotic behavior. How can one person be so smart but dumb at the same time?” She rambled, turning back to her schoolwork. All of them followed her lead. Regulus asked him a question as a person interrupted them. Blonde short hair and baggy clothes. Marlene stood in front of their table, flashing one of their biggest smiles. “Hello,” they greeted the round, all of them laying their eyes on them. Dorcas' face softened. “Hi, Marls. How are you doing?”

They sat down on the still free chair (the chair that was supposed to be Barty's). “Great, but I missed you, like a lot.”

Another look was exchanged between the boys. Pandora had turned back to her notes.

“I missed you too. School is stressful currently,” she groaned. She was right. The teacher gave them an overload of homework and exams they had to learn and prepare for. With the Easter holiday coming closer, suddenly every teacher remembered their students had grades to achieve. Torture in itself.

“My birthday's soon. I don't want a big party, only with the closest people, so maybe you want to come?” Marlene asked, fidgeting with the rings on their hands. “I want to introduce you to my family. Especially my dad and brother. You know my mother is... difficult.”

“I'm in. I would love to meet your family and to be with you on your birthday,” Dorcas replied, making Marlene beam. Their eyes were filled with love and admiration. Both of the boys just stared as they leaned in to meet Dorcas' lips before they left to search for their own friend group. Dorcas was in heaven.

“Wait. Are you in a relationship?” Regulus asked as soon as Marlene was gone. “Of course I am. I'm not going around kissing random people,” she mocked him, but her happiness shone through her.

“Just asking, no need to be so offensive.” Regulus pushed back. Both of them ended up bickering, which was a welcome change for the cousins. Both of them were just laughing about them.

°° °°

All of them tried to focus on their exams and grades. One full month passed by, and before everyone knew it, spring was back, bringing all its colors back to nature. Leaves were springing, painting trees in soft greens. Flowers spread their scent. Everything smelled sweet and lovely. Days became warmer. More often they were able to leave the houses in fewer layers. There was no need for jackets on the warmest days.

Barty turned seventeen at the end of April. The group used the occasion to hang out together and threw a little party in the woods, hidden away under freshly grown leaves. The sun was powerful, the day warm enough to sit on the ground and play around. Dorcas, who was the oldest of them, proudly welcomed Barty into the club of the seventeens.

“Now, it's your turn to grow a little bit more mature,” she said as she closed him in her arms. Evan watched with a bottle in his hand, still tasting the alcohol on his tongue from the last sip he took.

“Sounds boring.” Barty taunted, sticking out his tongue. Evan's eyes followed, lingering on those cursed piercings. It was the bane of his existence in a good and not good way. Not good, since it pushed the other boy's ego to the moon. He always was a person who liked flirting, but with the girls latching on to him (Evan being one of them)...

It was so easy for them, pining after the one person they desired, while he had to stay back and watch.

Taking a sip, he blinked and turned away. Pandora was sitting behind Regulus, braiding his outgrown hair. Soon his mother would cut it short again. Too short. She always cut it to a length that made his curls disappear. Evan was a lucky bastard that his mother didn't care about his hair. Most of the time he decided to shorten it, he asked Pandora for help. But for now he liked its length. Even though it fell into his sight. From time to time, he wore it in a short ponytail.

“Let's play truth or dare,” Dorcas suggested with Barty's direct support, and since it was his birthday, the others gave in. All of them sat in a circle. A bottle was in their midst, looping around to pick out one of the players.

They were some rounds in. Regulus now wore pink make-up on his eyelids. Dorcas had a fake beard over her upper lip, and Barty lost his right to wear shoes at some point.

The bottle spun, only to stop in front of Evan. Pandora sent him a sly grin. “Who, out of our school, would you kiss? Our friends here don't count.” She asked. Months ago, he would have panicked, but since all of them knew that he was into boys, he felt no distress about it. Playing with the bottle in his hand, he looked up to the sky. Soon it would be dark. The sun was on its way to hide away. In his head, he played through different options.

“Remus is hot. I would kiss him, but sadly he's taken,” he replied.

“My brother is a lucky bastard.” Regulus hummed in agreement. Evan grinned at him. “We could have had a threesome.” He joked and winked. Dorcas burst into a laughing fit. Pandora looked distraught, probably picturing his cousin and friend making out. Barty's eyes narrowed.

“Sorry, but no.” Regulus declined. He rolled his eyes at him.

Evan leaned in to spin the bottle.

“So, you're also into boys, Reggie?” The question came from Pandora. “Yes,” the asked person replied. Evan's hand let go of the bottle, and it spun around. It took turn after turn until it stopped.

“So Dorcas, truth or dare?”

“Dare, obviously.”

Evan made her dance as if she wanted to seduce them, which was fun. All of them cheered for her. Her braids danced with her motions. The light of the evening was turning her into a fairy that lost its way out of an enchanted storybook. With a breathy laugh, she let herself slump down next to Barty, who gave her a peck on the cheek. His eyes met Evan's. A darkness lingered in them, giving him a dangerous aura. He was tense, trying to hide it behind his bashful smiles. He arched an eyebrow. What's going on?

Barty let his eyes wander. For a second Evan was almost sure they lingered on his lips, but their eyes met again. No answer. His feelings were unreachable, but that was nothing new.

“Barty, your turn.” Dorcas pulled both of them back. The game went on until all of them were bored of it or tired, wanting to go back home. All of them collected their stuff, checking twice to be sure nothing was left behind. Barty and Evan walked home together in silence.

It was weird how both of them kept their distance. It stood in complete contrast to the days after they had made up for their fight. All they did was subtly touch each other as well as have long hugs. It was ridiculous how his brain tried to tell him Barty might feel the same for him. Maybe. It was a maybe until he started seeing girls. A hopeful maybe turned into a never again. In some ways, he felt silly for giving in to such hopes.

“I have a gift for you,” he broke the silence when their houses came into sight. His feet stopped, planting themselves into the earth beneath his shoe soles. His hands wandered to his back. Aware of the two eyes watching him, he pulled a present out, giving it to Barty.

“It's nothing special, but I hope you will like it.” He added. Barty turned it over, unsure in which way he should react before his fingers tore the paper apart. The rustling sound sent good shivers through his body, growing excited and nervous. Now that the paper was gone, a sketchbook was revealed. His lip corners tugged upwards as he thought about the note he left on the first page.

“Wow, that's so cool. Thank you. It means a lot to me.” Barty said, hugging the sketchbook, pressing it close to his chest. Evan breathed out. Barty had a tiny smile on his lips, his eyes wandering around, not able to find a point to focus on. This present was a good one, and Evan was glad about it.

“Feel free to show me the art you'll create,” he repeated the words he had written down before he sent a look to his parents house. “I have to go. Good night.”

“Good night, Ev.”

It felt bittersweet to leave him behind, almost as if Evan was missing something. Every step felt weighted as he walked back, entering the house. He still turned everything around that had happened in the last hours, searching for signs he had missed or perhaps misunderstood.

There was nothing to be found.

°° °°

The house was calm. Regulus had opened his window, letting in the sound of street noises and birds. The curtains swung with the breezes that entered and left his room.

The house was calm, almost peaceful, since their parents left for a weekend trip. Peace.

Regulus studied. He went through his flashcards, made new ones, and read texts about things he wanted to know more about. Next, he cleaned his room, put his books in a new order, threw away papers he didn't need anymore. He wrote in his journal, put some poetic words down on the pages, and ended up in his bed with a book he was now halfway through.

The sun shone. It was a warm day. With his parents gone, it made him feel calm and safe.

Till someone knocked on his door. Not someone, but most likely Sirius. The door opened. His brother entered. Regulus still had the book in his lap, staring in his direction. Sirius' hair was bound back. Only some strands hung lonesome into his face.

“I'm reading,” Regulus told him in a defensive tone, not wanting a conversation now. Not when he had a calm day, a day he felt fine.

“It's important,” Sirius persisted. His tone was urging. No. No. No.

Regulus stared at him. His brain was racing. Thoughts were crashing like waves over him.

“I'm leaving. They're not here. It's our best chance. Come with me, pack your things and books, all you need.” Sirius started. Everything in his head screamed, No. No. No.

“Do you need a bag? I can help you. Just tell me where to start.”

His own voice sounded strange: “Sirius.”

“Or first of all, I'm going to bring a bag over here. I have another one somewhere in my room,” his older brother was rambling. Words tripped over other words.

“Sirius.”

This time he stopped. Blue eyes bored into him. His older brother, his protector, wanted him to leave with him. He wanted a new life. After today, it would be over. Sirius Black stepped forward to leave his old life behind. A new beginning. Only one step left, and he had it all. Family, lover, and freedom.

His brother stood in front of the exit sign, waiting for him to come along, one step away from freedom.

The problem was that Regulus was the exit sign Sirius had to pass.

“Come with me. Please,” he pleaded, tears streaming over his cheeks.

Regulus wanted. Really, he did, but he was a burden Sirius had to get rid of. Every time his brother would lay his eyes on him, he would be reminded of what he had left behind. He didn't want that.

Sirius was the braver one, always had been. Already, as they only were children. Sirius was always his protector. Only one time in his life, Regulus wanted to be his. He wanted to take the fall. The anger that came upon their parents return.

“You already know my answer,” he whispered, turning his eyes to the window. Indeed, it was a good day. The sun was shining, waiting for Sirius. Regulus was never made for the sun.

“Please!”

“No.”

No. No. No.

“I will not be able to get you out of here after I'm gone. Please, don't do this, Reg...,” Sirius' voice broke, choked under tears and sobs. A breeze rushed in, leaving both brothers freezing.

“Go, Sirius. I will be fine. I always will be fine. I'm not you.”

It felt strange. Almost as if he wasn't in charge of his own voice, in control of what he was saying. His words and voice sounded strange, but he had other wishes and dreams. His head turned and was taking his brother in. Sirius was a mess, breaking down. In another life, they would have had a chance. They would be brothers and stay always together.

“I don't need you to survive. Take your things and leave. Do what you have to do, but don't force me to do the same.” Regulus said coldly. Sirius' next sentences went under, didn't reach him even as he concentrated, tried to understand. He failed. Always a failure. Always a little brother.

“I love you...” Sirius sobbed before he turned. The door closed.

Regulus always said he hated his brother. He was angry at him. His insides were fuming as he listened to the steps in the room next to his own, as feet moved downstairs, and as the house door fell shut. A car started, and the house was silent again. No signs of any life besides himself.

Regulus always said he hated Sirius, but the truth was he loved him. He loved him so deeply, his heart seemed to stop beating. Cold came rushing in, holding him in a painful grip.

When a scream escaped his throat, he realized he loved his brother so much. His big brother was a part of him. Who was he when Sirius was not around? Who was he when he lost his sibling only seconds ago? Who was he when all he ever was was a little brother?

He never hated Sirius, but he hated his parents for cutting them in half. He hated himself for not fighting them, for not doing and being better. He just let it happen. The worst thing was, he would do it over and over again. He wanted to protect his hero for the first and the last time in his life. His cheeks were wet, and his heart was bleeding. He was bleeding out. Outside, the sun was shining, smiling into his face, because a new life had started. Spring was here.