Secrets
Dorcas checked on him the next day, two days after their meeting in the woods. Her braids were freshly made, and she was glowing. She always had this powerful aura; she already had it as a nine-year-old girl with one missing tooth, which she was so proud of. Evan remembered her saying, I'm growing up!
As well as Regulus, it was hard not to like her. Often he caught himself stopping from the sidelines to watch her talk and to listen in. She had this presence, this talent to draw everyone in. Barty loved this about her, watching her with heart eyes, cheering her up.
He felt it now again, while she just fell in pace with him. In silence, they walked for a while before they stopped to take books out of their lockers.
“Is everything okay with you?” She asked with caution. He tensed, opening his locker, looking through his books, and choosing the ones he most likely needed on this day. He let his eyes wander to the girl next to him, finding her already looking back. Sighing, he checked his hair on the mirror, hanging in the back of his locker, before closing it.
“Yeah,everything's good. I just...” he stopped to think about his next words. “I was tired. Did not mean to take it out on you. What about you?”
He did not wait longer, leaving the lockers behind, Dorcas still trailing him. Her brown eyes gouged into his soul, but he was good at building walls, so he didn't let her in. The last thing he needed now was Dorcas stripping all his emotions down to his core. She was good in this, since she was great in feeling. All the emotions she ever experienced, she welcomed, embraced, and let them go again. There is no shame in feeling, her eyes said; he chose to ignore it. Not the healthiest way to deal with it, but the best for him. His mind wasn't allowed to take a break to just let emotions in.
“Oh, I do well; thanks for asking. Marlene talked with me yesterday. I think I will try to talk with them today as well,” she started to tell him, leaving him confused. Why would she tell him this? They never really talked when they were not in their group.
Dorcas picked up on his confusion. “Marlene is one of Lily's best friends. You know Lily?”
“Of course I know her. Pan is obsessed with her,” he replied and shrugged. So this was the point where they got to Marlene, as it seemed, because Dorcas' eyes had this glint in them, telling him she would start talking about them again.
“Good. Besides Lily, there are two other persons. One is Mary. You do know her as well. She is the cool fashion icon of our school.” The look she sent in his direction had a warning, but he knew who she was talking about. In fact, he knew Mary McDonald - not personally though.
Half of the school was swooning over her. She was beautiful; there was no denying it. And besides, she was the same year as Dorcas and Regulus' older brother and often seen with him. Mary was another friend of Sirius.
“And there is Marlene. The blonde. They are really cool, talking to them is refreshing. Sadly, I don't really have an excuse to talk with them, which is frustrating.”
It was the moment it clicked in his brain, picking up; she wasn't just talking about someone, but about a person she had very likely a big crush on. He couldn't help but to send her a side-eye. Why does she tell me this?
It was his turn to give some heartfelt advice or something, so he genuinely tried to find something to say. Not that he had the experience.
“Do you have the same interests?” he asked helplessly, scanning the hallway, searching for no one special. Students were chatting, deeply involved in whatever drama they were invested in or not.
“That is the problem. I do nothing about them. Not really. But I really want to get to know Marlene,” she said in return, looking at him as if he had the solution to her problem. She wished. He really wasn't. He panicked while trying to find a conclusion.
“Maybe ask about advice about some subjects or just go for it and ask them out?” he suggested. His words needed to sink in before Dorcas looked at him with wide-opened eyes.
“I- You- This is so unromantic... Why would you ask this directly?” She charged against his advice. To be honest, he would react the same. Definitely not his best idea nowadays. He shrugged clueless about how to help her.
“Just be yourself, I guess? If they don't like you the way you are, they have to fuck off immediately,” he shared his only thoughts left on this topic. For some reason, it made her face light up. Her eyes met his with a fond glint in them.
“You know, this was one of the nicest things you ever said to me. I feel so loved,” she told him.
He wanted to reply, but an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Barty grinned at them and was lifting one eyebrow.
“Evan's being nice? How come?” He tried to get involved in their conversation. Dorcas smiled fondly. Evan rolled his eyes. How could one person be so curious and obvious at the same time? Sometimes there were conversations one should not tip in.
“Well, he just gave me some good advice,” she winked at him, with no intention to explain further. Not that Barty was someone to give up easily. Turning away from Dorcas, he gave his full attention to Evan, who just loved this. Those blue eyes only locked on him alone. He melted.
“So Evan... What was this secret advice about? Care to share with your dearest friend?” He interrogated him in a playful manner. Evan felt a smile growing on his lips, not able to hold it back. So he grinned cheeky at Barty.
“It is a secret, because you don't tell someone else. I think you should know this by now,” he replied, only to stick his tongue out, afterwards laughing about the face Barty pulled. For a short moment, Barty's eyes seemed to stop at his lips before staring into his eyes again. Evan felt his pulse racing. Without noticing, he stopped laughing, feeling breathless, just to be stared directly in his soul. Do you see? Do you see me?
Evan blinked and turned to Dorcas, who watched them silently. Feeling caught, his cheeks heated.
“Tell him, secrets are meant to be kept,” he tried to involve her, which made her lips lift in a playful way.
“Yeah, Evan is right. Sweet little secrets,” she mused, playing with her braids, before turning away to walk. Evan spun his head to look at Barty again, who still had his eyes on him. “How unfortunate. I really hoped to be involved in your secret.”
They started to follow Dorcas. The brown-haired boy was sulking, Evan's grin still not leaving his lips. There was something cute about Barty's moping face. Maybe Evan was a really mean person, being happy about something like this. But this was not the first thing going wrong in his mind.
“Do you hate me? I'm capable of keeping secrets, you know?” Barty started to complain.
“It's not my secret to tell, by all it means. If Dorcas is ready to share it with you, she will. That doesn't mean I fucking hate you. Don't be so dramatic, Crouch,” he pulled the other boy along to close up to their friend again. She was walking fast, almost as if she were trying to leave them behind. He thought bitterly that she shoved the responsibility on him to keep her secret. For a second he thought about telling Barty, just out of principle and the want to be mean, but the last thing he would ever be was a vow breaker. Trust and honesty were the things he valued the most, and there was no playing with them, not when he was around.
“Aw, so you love me?” Barty got him out of his thinking.
“Don't flatter yourself too much,” he sighed, rolling his eyes at the boy being overly happy next to him. If he knew, he would not react this way, because after all, Evan was just a boy, not a girl. If Barty knew how much he loved him, there would be no turning back, not after all these years, not after the fact that their love for each other meant completely different things. He clenched his hands, reminding himself to breathe steadily.
“You don't have to say it loud. I still know.” The provoking tone never left the other boy's voice. Evan cursed Dorcas. After all, she was the reason why this conversation happened in the first place. In his mind, he said, I hate you. Only to feel bad about it afterwards, because this was the problem, right? Dorcas was not an easy person to hate.
“I don't know why you are so sappy, Barty. But it disgusts me deeply,” Regulus voice cut in before he fell in step with the two other boys. The skin under his eyes was dark, and overall he seemed more drained than usual.
“Me too,” Evan agreed and felt how Barty released a deep sigh, still clinging to him without letting him go once. It almost was like he was touch starved. Also when Evan thought of their hug in his bed the day before.
“I do tell you, and you have to believe me... Dorcas has a secret, which she shared with Evan, but not me! She also said he was extra nice. Like, what did she say to get on his sweet side?” Barty started to explain Regulus the situation. The dark haired boy looked amused. “So the biggest secret here is: how to get Evan to be nice?”
“You know, I'm still here.” Evan grumbled, lifting an eyebrow, sending a silent help to Regulus. To his great dismay, Regulus was pretty much invested in Barty yapping about Evan being nice. Someone kill him, please.
“I think this is a question for our pretty Dorcas. Sadly for you, she isn't here anymore. My condolences.” Regulus almost beamed while saying this. It was a pain to be the topic of their discussion without being taken seriously. Why was he friends with them again? He wondered if this was a clue to finally leave them behind, to be the high school's cool loner. In his mind he was the perfect candidate for this title. Also, his background fit perfectly in the whole image. Abusive parents, not able to express his emotions loudly... Alone. Distant...
“I am sure she did this on purpose. Not that she is safe. I will interrogate her any way,” Barty huffed.
“I'm glad you finally found a purpose in life,” Regulus teased his best friend, and Evan turned his head to him. “I'm not,” he informed them both.
“Darling, don't you feel honored? You are everything my world will turn around. You're a big mystery.” Barty beamed, a big grin plastered on his face. Evan stared at him, feeling flustered.
“I think you broke our beloved Evan.” Regulus giggles reached his ear, and thankfully he woke up from his trance.
“I hate both of you. No, all of you pieces of shit, except for Pan,” he hissed, pushing Barty's arm away. “I swear, I will never talk to you...” He turned his head to Regulus first before he lifted his hand to point to Barty. “And you again.”
Barty put his hand on his chest and let out a gasp. Regulus was just bored. And Evan? He took the chance to get away from all this madness. His chest felt like burning up while in his head a voice chanted Darling over and over again.
°° °°
Dorcas listened to Barty going on and on about Evan in their break. She should have known what she started this morning with her little secret. However, she did not expect to take a turn in which Barty's mission was to find out how she got Evan to be nice. To add on this, Evan dumped Regulus and Barty, in her opinion a valid decision, because both of them were a damn headache in combination.
“You know, I'm surprised myself that he was so nice to me. So I have no answer to your unsolved mystery,” she stopped the non-stop monologue of Barty. He unnerved her with his nonsense, not once shutting up. There was a whole different matter ahead of her; she would rather wrap her head around. And it was an important matter, in fact. Her eyes darted to a certain person who was involved in a conversation with their friends. Barty turned to follow her eyes. To stop him, she laid her hand on his. It worked. In seconds, she had his full attention again.
“I really do have no clue, okay?” She assured him. He pulled his face in a pout, ready to say something else, but was interrupted by Pandora, who pulled a chair back to sit down.
“Hello. How is your day so far?” She greeted them with one of her sweetest smiles. Dorcas smiled back. Pandora was adorable; no one is ever going to change that.
“Evan said he will never talk to us again,” Barty told her, and Pandora's eyes widened.
“What?” she asked. Dorcas shook her head, laying her eyes on Marlene again. They seemed to have an intense discussion with Mary now.
“He just said he hated us and left me and Reg behind. Which was one of the cruelest things he probably ever did,” Barty started and unwrapped every detail after these words. And Dorcas tuned him out because she still had to figure out how she should approach Marlene. Evan had a point with his schoolwork idea, but it seemed boring and cliche in Dorcas' eyes. Marlene was such a cool person, and she wanted to make a great impression on them. Thinking about this, her head reminded her of the words Evan told her some hours ago. Be yourself, Dorcas.
“He will come around, eventually. I'm sure.” Pandora tried her best to soothe Barty. “And if not?”
“Then you should try to apologize. But Evan likes you lot too much to be angry at you forever,” she replied, and Dorcas didn't need to look at her to hear the smile on her lips. But she turned to Pandora regardless, realizing she had already set her eyes on her. There was a moment they just looked at each other while Barty was lost in his own head. Both of the girls knew how oblivious Barty was when it came to Evan and his feelings for him. As well as Evan thought his close friends would not recognize there was more behind the looks he sent to the other boy.
One year ago, Pandora told her she did know of Evan's feelings for a long time, asking for advice on how to approach the topic since they are cousins and she was the closest person to him. Dorcas was at a loss, not able to give the wanted advice since Evan and her were a complicated thing back then. She still tried to find a way to him, to show him that she was also a friend. She was somewhat surprised he actually tried to give her advice on this day. One of the small steps in the right direction? Maybe. She hoped so.
Barty jumped up. The chair he was sitting on only seconds before squeaked loudly across the floor. People turned to look at them. The girls were eyeing Barty. Dorcas raised an eyebrow. The switch in her friend's mood came so abruptly. He was now rocking on his feet.
“I'm going to search Regulus. This prick has dissolved in thin air since our last conversation.” With these words said, he turned to leave the cafeteria. The girls exchanged one glance. Typical Barty behavior, so there was no need to point it out.
“I would ask how it comes we're the only normal ones in this group, but I believe this would be a lie,” Pandora said. Where she was right. Dorcas laughed. She ignored being indirectly called not normal. With Pandora, it was not really an insult.
“Let the boys not hear it. It would shatter them,” she replied, which made Pandora beam.
“Anyway, what are you planning to do? You never eat in the cafeteria.” Pandora changed the topic, which Dorcas welcomed.
“I'm pinning over my love to be.” Dorcas let her in on her little secret. But she knew her friend, and so it was not surprising Pandora already knew who she was talking about.
“You want to talk to them? Nice, any plan?” Pandora directly dived into the topic.
“No idea. Evan's only helpful advice was 'Be yourself'.” She tried to speak in the same tone Evan had spoken. “That's nice of him.”
“My words. I was so surprised,” Dorcas blurted.
“I can start talking with Lily. Maybe that is the opportunity to get Marlene's attention on you,” Pandora suggested the best idea. Dorcas had not thought about this, but she also had thought she was on her own to approach them. Pandora was a true treasure. “Pan, I love you so much.”
“I know you do, and I love you too. So, want to try our luck?” She already stood up while posing the question, and Dorcas only thought was, I am so lucky to have such a friend!
Delighted, she joined Pandora to walk over to chat with Lily, Marlene, and Mary. Lily was the first to recognize their arrival. A soft smile grew on her lips, lifting her hand to greet them. Pandora hugged her gently before stepping back to Dorcas. She felt her heart racing as she looked over all of them. Her eyes lingered on Marlene.
“I wanted to check in with you and ask how you are doing,” Pandora said, and everyone around her melted. She had this effect on people. Dorcas knew no one who didn't feel about her this way.
“I'm brilliant. School is easy recently. What about you?” Lily answered, the smile never leaving her lips. Dorcas still watched Marlene, who turned and caught her staring. Her face burned up.
“Hi.” It almost went under the noise around them and how hushed Dorcas said it. Marlene grinned, mouthing a greeting back. Dorcas swore she felt herself dying, not sure how her body was able to continue to breathe and work, because her brain had a shortcut. They never shifted away, continuing to look into each other's eyes. Dorcas was in heaven. It felt like an eternity, only them existing, until Pandora tugged at her shirt. All eyes were on her.
“Sorry, what?” She blurted in confusion and wondered if she missed her turn to join their conversation.
“There is a party planned on Friday,” Lily started.
“It would be cool if you would come,” Marlene interfered, stepping in before their friend had the chance to continue talking.
“I would love to see you there.” They added. Dorcas' eyes widened because there was no way Marlene would be happy to meet her at a party.
“I will see you there,” she answered out of reflex, and Marlene sent her the prettiest smile she ever had seen. Oh, she was so gone for this person.
°° °°
He joined their group in the woods, even though he said he would never talk to them again. Evan was a liar, it seemed. But to his defense, he did not plan on talking to them besides Pandora, first of all. Second, Pandora asked him to come along to hang out. Who was he to disappoint his dearest cousin? He heard them talking from afar, still deeply involved in a discussion Barty and Regulus had as he sat down next to Pandora. She beamed at him and leaned against him. A smile tugged on his lips.
“I'm glad you came,” she whispered, and he hummed. It took minutes until the other boys noticed his presence. Regulus sent him a tight smile with a bored expression, and Barty took the opportunity to claim the place next to Evan. He let him, did not comment on it, only eyeing him.
“So now, we're all here, and I have everyone's attention; I have big news to share.” Dorcas raised her voice, sending looks to Regulus and Barty. First named scowled back. Barty did not even try to pretend; his eyes were clued on Evan, who felt on edge because of it. Why did he have to act this way? It made everything so difficult for him. His biggest secret felt dangerously close to being detected. Something that he did not want to happen. He would rather die than wanting Barty to know he had a crush on him.
“Thank you for your attention, Barty,” Dorcas snapped at the boy next to him, who simply shrugged but gave her his attention now. Now Evan had to overthink if Dorcas still stood on his list of people he did not want to talk to. Maybe she wasn't so bad at all.
“Okay, so we have Wednesday, and on Friday we're invited to a party. We all will go,” she announced. Her smile was almost scary. Evan sent a look to Pandora, who also smiled. So she knew something he and the others didn't.
“What if I've got plans?” Regulus asked, crossing his arms.
“I don't fucking care, Black. You will come to this party, because I am your friend.” She had a challenging glint in her eyes, narrowing her eyes on Regulus. He gave in. Yet he clearly showed he was not fond of the idea. Regulus hated gatherings with too many people. Barty on the other hand, loved such events. He was in at the moment the word party was dropped. Evan had also nothing against going to this party. The only problem were his parents. There was no way he would ask them for permission, since they would never allow him to go to parties at all.
“Hey” He was leaning towards Pandora to talk with her. Her eyes met his, and she nodded before he could say something else. “I'll ask my parents if we are allowed to have a sleepover. I don't think your parents have to find out,” she said.
“Cheers, you're the best,” he thanked her. Her parents were nice to him. When he was allowed to have a sleepover with his cousin, there was no way his parents would get angry at him for being late at home, for joining a party without being allowed, or for simply just breathing.
“We could meet up to get ready together before the party starts,” Dorcas proposed. Pandora sat up. “Oh, this is a wonderful idea. We'll force the boys to wear makeup. I think it is best if we'll meet up at mine.”
Evan watched her with a smile, and as she turned to look at him, he said, “It is going to be great.”
Pandora let herself fall into him. His fingers started to stroke her soft hair.
“Okay, but who invited us?” Regulus raised one eyebrow. Under his attentive look, Dorcas blushed and started to fidget with her fingers. Evan stopped to look with widened eyes to Dorcas.
“Wait. This was fast. Is this a date?” He gasped. Pandora giggled, and Dorcas looked more flustered than before with all eyes on her. Barty's mouth fell open. Regulus eyes seemed to fall out.
“What the hell? Is this the secret thing you were talking about this morning? What do you mean with date? With whom?” Barty started to ask, and instead of asking one question per time, it was all in one turn. Dorcas brought one hand to her forehead. “Okay, I have a massive crush on this person. No, I don't think it is a date-”
“What? You're in love?” Barty interrupted her, looking as if she had three heads suddenly.
“Obviously, dumb ass,” Evan sighed, turning to look at him the first time he joined them. Barty stared at him speechless.
“How does it come you don't know if it is a date?” It was Regulus turn to questioning their friend now.
“Well, we are all invited. But they said, they will be happy if we meet there.”
“My fucking heart is broken. I thought I had a chance with you, Cas.” Barty shook his head, playing hurt puppy. Evan rolled his eyes. “Shut the fuck up, Crouch, and let her explain,” he declared.
“Sorry, but you're not my type. Like at all,” Dorcas added.
“Now we're coming to the part; I'll tell you who they are and who invited us.”
Everyone went silent to wait until the big release happened. Evan smirked because he already knew, continuing to play with his cousin's hair.
“It's Marlene, okay? And they and their friends invited us,” she dropped the bomb, looking relieved and unsure at the same time. Pandora clapped for her, being happy nonetheless, while Regulus groaned and Barty was shocked.
“What the fuck! My brother and his idiots are on this fucking party then. What a pain,” Regulus complained, not caring the slightest about who Dorcas' crush was, or, better put, he approved them.
“I'm happy you had the chance to talk to them.” Evan ignored Regulus, smiling at Dorcas.
“I'm too. We had a romantic moment, you know? We stared into each other's souls,” she told him proudly. Now it was Barty's turn to groan, “Disgusting. We lost our friend to love.”
“You're just jealous,” Pandora mocked him. Barty pouted at her, crossing his arms. “Why should I?”
“You said it before. Your heart is so broken.” Regulus joined to bother Barty. “But don't worry, someone new will come around to steal your heart away.”
Regulus barely finished his sentence, as Evan felt Pandora's eyes linger on him. Both of them locked eyes. Evan realized she knew. He had the idea she would, but to know she really saw through him was leaving him unsettled. A soft, assuring smile appeared on her face. She was lifting her hand gently, giving him the chance to lay his own in hers. Soon as he did, she closed her fingers around his hand. Her skin felt cold, but her hands were always this way. Evan felt warm and so sure of her everlasting love for him. He was so glad she was with him.
Eventually Regulus and Barty stopped their bickering. Somewhere in between, Dorcas had come closer and was now leaning on Pandora. So the three of them watched the boys while sticking close together. Pandora and Dorcas had whispered to each other from time to time. They stopped as the bickering came to a halt. With curiosity, they laid their eyes on their two friends. The silence lingered for only a short while.
“Well, but Evan did talk to me again.” Barty grinned, closing the gap between him and Evan.
“You do sure sound really proud about it,” Evan mumbled, eyeing him without moving. Now Barty was smiling so hard his teeth were showing, looking happy as if it were Christmas. Evan's face softened, keeping his eyes steady on Barty to take him in - the glow in his blue eyes, the freckles over his nose and cheeks, the smile.
“I am. I love it when you are talking to me,” he replied, and Evan was pretty sure his heart got pierced. He wished he could just kiss him stupid.
“Okay damn. Stop this flirting or whatever it is,” Regulus interrupted, forcing Barty's attention to him. Evan used this chance to let his breath out. He did not realize he held it in. Pandora pressed his fingers.
“Want me to flirt with you?” Barty asked the dark haired boy, who looked at him with a bored expression.
“I will rip your head off your neck, if you try,” he threatened.
“You will miss my head.”
“I will not,” Regulus shot back.
“Well, let me talk to Evan then.” Barty replied, ready to turn back to Evan. Regulus huffed. “Then stop being disgusting.”
Regulus had the last word, since Barty had no intention to fire back, deciding to lean against Evans' free side. So, another head ended up resting on his shoulder. Dorcas sent him a look he couldn't decipher. He had also no time since Barty demanded his attention.
“What?” He mouthed while looking down at him.
“I missed you,” Barty whispered.