silent signs

Barty was five when his father's hand met his cheek with such a sudden force, he almost fell to the ground. He was five, and it was the first time his father hit him. It was also the first memory he had about his life. Sometimes he wondered if his life started at this point, his father hitting him, him only being five years old. He did not remember what he did to steer his father's anger. But on the other hand, his father got already angry about him just breathing too loud.

His mother was in the garden; he remembered how he screamed for her, shocked his father hurt him. She got in a fight with him, ending up also getting hit.

Barty was six when he learned to be afraid of his father. He would do everything to avoid his anger, his preying eyes lingering too long on him. When he was six years old, he had his first nightmare about the man whose protection he was to receive. His father never protected him, and not even his mother was able to protect him from his father.

At the age of seven, he had already received so much violence, he thought it was normal.

And as an eight-year-old boy, he first met Evan. It was the first good memory he had, and he held it close to his heart. Evan with his eyes wide open, his hair so light, it sometimes seemed to be white in the sunlight. Evan with his curls and leaves sticking in them. Barty will never understand his younger self calling him ugly. These days he would do everything to go back, to see the boy Evan was back then again.

He was eight when he became friends with the prettiest boy he ever laid eyes on. It was also his first friendship. Evan stuck to him, even when he was unbearably mean at times.

Around this time he also met Regulus and Dorcas, then Pandora, who was Evan's cousin. With Evan's arrival, he found the thing he had ever wished for: friendship. With Evan's friendship, he learned something new about himself. He was not good at understanding feelings, his feelings or those of the people around him. He did not understand Evan most of the time. He did not understand himself all the time.

Emotions were a touchy topic for him. When it came to feeling, he was sure he did it not right. He felt too much the one time. The other time he felt nothing at all. Sometimes he was in pain. Sometimes he was in a state of euphoria, just to step into another state of not feeling at all. Feeling was a walk on a tightrope for him, always in danger of taking one wrong step and ending up falling.

Falling. Falling. Falling.

There was another tightrope he was walking at the same time. His eyes stuck on Evan since the class started. Evan felt. He had a lot of emotions he was going through. He just hid them, locked them inside his body, and threw away the key. He did a good job, because Barty, who already had his problems with understanding emotions, was utterly lost when it came to reading Evan.

Barty did remember how he realized that Evan was gone for the first time. He had slipped away right under their eyes. Suddenly their group was one person missing. And it happened over and over again. He still did not know why Evan did that. The only thing he knew was he was terribly good at vanishing into thin air.

However, he learned slowly to recognize the signs, right before it happens. He still remembered when he caught him the first time. He had this glint in his eyes. He was not really there with them anymore. And then, he just vanished again. Barty let it happen. He wanted to stop it someday. But to really stop him, he had to read what Evan was feeling. That was where the problem was lying. Barty did not even manage to read his own emotions. How would he manage to read his friend's?

It felt like war when he was with Evan. He always stepped too far, and Evan ran away. It really was a wonder he was still on their tightrope. Or maybe he was already falling and did not know.

“You're staring holes in his head,” Regulus commented next to him without looking up from his paper. Barty turned his head to his best friend. His page was filled with written-down notes. However, Barty's was blank. He frowned. His thoughts were racing, turning around Evan without a pause. He did not know which topic the teacher was talking about.

“Whatever,” he murmured, playing with his pen. At some point his leg started to bounce. Regulus sent him deadly glares.

“Will you fucking stop?” He snapped under his breath, trying to avoid the teacher's attention.

“Evan is weird lately, isn't he?” He asked, ignoring that Regulus was pretty much annoyed with him.

“Evan is always weird. Nothing new, to be honest,” Regulus shrugged. He never stopped to write down his notes. Barty squinted his eyes at him.

“No, seriously.” He tried to get his friend's attention. Regulus' shoulders tensed, a sigh leaving his mouth. “I really don't know what you're talking about. He's Evan.”

Regulus was acting defensive when it came to Evan lately. Also something he could not wrap his head around.

“Maybe you should concentrate on this stuff instead of staring at Evan all the time,” he added. Barty leaned back, crossing his arms, feeling offended and called out. Why? He did not know. There was nothing wrong with looking at your friend or caring about him.

“Why did you say that in that tone?” He grumbled, but Regulus ignored him for the rest of the class. As soon as the break started, Regulus slipped away, and Evan was also gone in seconds, both dipping Barty again. So, he started to search for Pandora and Dorcas. This time he had luck and found Dorcas as she left the room she had her class in.

“Why are you moping?” She asked when she reached him.

“I'm not,” he replied, walking next to her to find a quiet spot to hang out. Hidden away in the library, they sat down.

“You are definitely moping. So what happened?” She brought the question back.

“Evan is acting weird, and both Regulus and he ditched me again.” He gave in with a deep sigh. Some students passed by. Probably searching for a spot to sit and talk too.

As he turned his head back to Dorcas, she was already looking at him.

“That sucks,” she whispered, sighed, and was leaning her head against a bookshelf.

“It really does,” Barty agreed. His fingers started to fidget again. His whole mind felt on edge lately.

“Did you ever think about talking with Evan?” She wanted to know. He shook his head, also leaning back.

“I tried to talk to him after he left us in the woods the last time, though,” he said.

“And?”

“He said nothing really.”

They felt silent for a while, just listening to other students passing by, loud talking in distance, and each other's breathing. Barty let his eyes fall shut at some point, trying to fade out his still racing mind. He was thinking too much and too fast. It made his head ache. In the end, he ended up thinking about Evan again. Most of his thoughts turned around Evan lately. Always Evan. Evan with his blond curls, Evan's light eyes, Evan's smell. All he needed to know was Evan, to have him around, to talk, but he was off-limits currently. It irritated him somewhat.

“Maybe you two should really try to have a talk. Tell him what you're feeling,” Dorcas spoke up again, giving advice, and Barty felt lost once again. Why was everything always about feeling? Feeling was the one thing he did not understand.

“I don't even know what I feel,” he sighed. The look she sent him was full of pity. “Maybe that's the point we have to start then. Finding out what you're feeling.”

°° °°

Barty hated himself for agreeing to Dorcas' idea.

After school they went to Dorcas' home. The first time meeting her parents had him stressed out completely, and now she sat in front of him, trying to crack his head open with her cryptic questions. His face pulled in a frown, and with his his arms crossed, he waited for her next question.

Until now they had not made any good process. For some reason he thought it would be different.

“So your biggest problem is that you can't process what you're feeling? Or can't name it, in other words?” She asked him, and he nodded. He still was in his school uniform, feeling tired and exhausted from the day.
“Tell me about Evan,” she said next. He pulled a grimace and swallowed harshly.

“Evan...” He hesitated. “I called him ugly the first time we met.”

“What the fuck, Barty?” Dorcas gasped and started laughing. “Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but you called Evan fucking Rosier ugly?”

“Well... I did,” he shrugged and bounced back and forth for some time, remembering Evan in front of him with leaves in his hair.

“He was mean to me too, you know?” He told her and, she nodded with a little smile. “Sounds like our Evan.”

“We met in the bushes between our homes. He had leaves in his curls.” His fingers fumbled.

“He actually looked cute. I really don't know why...” he interrupted himself.

“Evan is really good at vanishing. I thought he had some magic powers or something, at first,” he continued, never really finishing his thought before.

“He is the first friend I ever had.”

They sat in silence for minutes after that. Dorcas waited and looked at him. Barty was lost in his head, thinking about Evan. His head felt like bursting into flames with every passing second. He was frustrated with himself, at Evan and Regulus, sadly at Dorcas, too. She tried to help him, and the easiest task seemed the hardest for him. To tell her about Evan... There was so much he could say, but he didn't know how to put it in words. At some point, Dorcas stood up to turn on music.

“Maybe try to describe how you're feeling when you are around him,” she tried again to motivate him into speaking. Barty groaned. “That's the problem. Feelings and everything,” he grumbled, but fell silent as soon as her look warned him. With a sigh, he turned his eyes up to stare at the ceiling.

“Uncertain. I'll never know if I say things right or wrong, or if I do things right. Most of the time, I don't understand what is going on in his head. But I really want to, because having him around... I don't want him to miss. I want him close if it makes sense.”

Dorcas hummed in agreement. The next song started. The singer began to sing their lines. Dorcas' dark eyes stayed on him. Again, pity was surfacing in them.

“Do you feel this way around everyone of us, or just him?” She interrogated him with the next question. Barty pondered a while about it. The song came to an end and the next started. Evan was different. But wasn't it normal? Of course he did not feel about him the same way he felt about Regulus, Pandora, or Dorcas. The next time he looked to her, he shook his head.

“Did you ever try to... feel into it? Perhaps go with the flow?”

It was a weird-sounding question in Barty's head, because what was it supposed to mean? To feel into it? Dorcas saw his confusion and sighed. With her hand she brushed a braid behind her ear.

“You know, even though you don't know what you're feeling, you don't have to stop yourself to feel it. Try to explore it.”

He sent her a weird look, squinting his eyebrows. She put her hand on her forehead, rubbing over it.

“The thing is, I can't say what you feel, but I want to help. Really, I do. So the only thing I can say to you now is to let your feelings in. You don't have to understand what you're feeling, just... pay attention, and then we can talk again.”

So, they stopped their meeting for now, which Barty was glad about, being excited to leave and head home. Their talk had confused him more. But for now this was the problem for his future version.

°° °°

The thing Evan was struggling with since he was a child was feeling too loud and too much. Too loud in the sense of too intense. His parents hated this the most about him. Feelings were a nuisance for them. Their son with too intense emotions was a nuisance for them. This was Evan. Evan had been feeling this way since his birth. It was something in him, closed up in his mind, his blood, and his soul. It was a whole part of him. He often tried to change, to block what he was feeling, just to be hit more strongly.

These days, he was feeling in extreme tones, and there was nothing to do about it. No way to let them out, to let himself feel. His parents hated it. Being forced to not feel was a different pain to live through, especially as a person who was deeply connected to the things he was feeling.

On this day he thought there was a monster inside him, feeding on him. He felt like screaming, snapping at everyone around him, fighting and biting his parents, and being torn apart by them until he bled and bones were the only thing left of him.

“Wow, this energy is dangerous.” Regulus brought him to snap out of his mind. With a deep frown, he sent the other boy a glare. Both of them ended up meeting in the woods after school. Evan had not felt like directly going home after school. Regulus just was clinging to him for whatever reason. He had nothing against it, though. So, Evan walked in front with the boy trailing after him.

“What? It's kinda hot,” Regulus lifted his hands. Evan scoffed.

“Are you serious?” He asked.

“Well, I am Regulus.” Said person deadpanned, and Evan's frown grew.

“What the actual heck?” He spat before he turned to walk away. Regulus still followed him.

“Are you and Sirius talking?” He asked while watching some birds on a tree. Now it was Regulus' turn to scoff. “No, why should I? Can we please not talk about my brother?”

Evan accepted it with a simple nod. He fell in step with his friend, trying to breathe in a steady rhythm to calm himself down.

“Tomorrow, I will have the honor to watch Barty flirting around,” he said. His tone sounded sarcastic. It put him in a mood, as a lot of other things too. He felt the other's eyes on him.

“Let's suffer together,” Regulus suggested. It made him smile.

“We can always date each other,” Evan joked and started laughing at the look he gained for this comment.

“Not going to happen. Like ever,” Regulus told him.

“Fair.”

They enjoyed the silence, watched birds, and wandered around. Slowly the shadows reached out, growing larger as lower the sun went. The sky turned blue. Somewhere in the distance, they heard someone scream. They changed a look before shrugging. As the boys reached a large tree, Evan threw his bag into the dirt. He rolled up the sleeves of his school sweater.

“What are you doing, Rosier?” Regulus asked him and lifted an eyebrow. Evan beamed at him. “I'm going to climb this tree.”

“Are you mad? It is going to be dark.”

Evan ignored him while he started his mission. His hands reached for a low-hanging branch to pull himself up. Within a few seconds, his feet stood on solid ground, and he turned his eyes to Regulus, who was still standing at the same spot where he left him.

“Good for me, I'm not scared of the dark, Black,” he mocked him and turned to continue his climbing. His breath became more calm and steady. His mind was fully concentrating on where he had to lay his hand to pull himself up and where he had to put his feet to steady himself. As he reached the tree crown, he exhaled deeply and looked around. The view was amazing. The trees around him, the houses in near distance, and the dark blue sky with some violet accents were beautiful.

It felt like nothing mattered, and he felt high on it, still feeling this way as his feet touched safe ground again and with a pair of green eyes sticking to him. Evan took his bag.

“You should have climbed, too. It was amazing,” he told Regulus, who pulled a face.

“No, thanks. I don't want to die,” he grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. Both of them turned to walk back. As they reached the street again, it was already dark, and the first stars blinked above them.

They stopped in front of Evan's house, looking at each other. Both of them did not feel like going home to face their parents and the life they wanted to escape from. Sadly, there was no escape, not yet. A sad smile slipped over Evan's face before he pulled Regulus close, hugging him.

“Thank you,” he whispered and stepped back. He didn't wait for an answer, already on his way to the door. He stopped shortly; his hand was resting on the doorknob, and he looked back. Regulus was already walking away, going to his own haunted home. And Evan felt once more as if he was drowning but had to stop himself to face this feeling at all the second he opened the door and walked into the house.

Evan was feeling too intense. His parents didn't like him feeling. To feel was a weakness. And yes, maybe that was the problem after all. The thing Evan struggled with: feelings and weakness. Maybe he was just a weak boy. A weak boy with toointense feelings.

°° °°

As Regulus sneaked through their house, always hiding in the shadows. He stopped at the slightly open door to his brother's room. Sirius never left his door open, not really. Not when their parents lurked in the shadows, Regulus now used it to his advantage to reach his own room unnoticed. He paid heed to not stepping in the ray of light to stay unnoticed. His brother's attention was the last thing he needed. Light was something the house's walls didn't seem to know. The floors were always dark, as were most of the rooms. As a little boy, he always thought he saw dark creatures passing by. He was really scared, and Sirius calmed him down, telling him sweet tales and later chased those mean shadows away with him. As Regulus grew older, he learned those creatures didn't exist and the true monsters were his parents.

He heard how someone was rustling through Sirius' stuff, and he stepped closer. Another step and he was able to actually throw a glance into the room. He silently let his breath out as he realized it was in fact only Sirius. His hair was a mess, as well as his face was pale. There must have been a fight during the time Regulus was out with Evan, because as Sirius turned, he discovered a bruise blooming on Sirius' cheek. A sharp inhale, and suddenly his brother's eyes laid on him, an unwanted visitor. A weak smile formed on his lips.

“They are out for the evening. Some weird meeting or something,” Sirius told him. Regulus didn't answer. When did he talk with him the last time? He did not remember. Sirius' smile faded away, and Regulus let his eyes wander, realizing there was a suitcase halfway filled with school books and clothing. The younger boy frowned.

“Where are you going?” He asked for the first time after a long time ignoring his brother. Sirius looked down at the suitcase, putting a brown sweater that definitely belonged to his boyfriend in the bag as well.

“To James',” he whispered. And of course, he was running away to James. Regulus clenched his hands, forcing himself to breathe steadily.

“Why did I even ask?” he replied with a snarky tone, tilting his chin up and turning away to go to his room. Sirius' words were stopping him in his tracks. “I'm coming back. It is just for the next days, I promise.”

Regulus' mind raced as he swallowed.

One.

Breathe.

Two.

Breathe.

Three.

Breathe.

“I don't care,” he snapped and fled into his room, locking the door to never leave until Sirius would leave the house. His breath was coming rapidly, his chest was hurting, and his view seemed to blacken out. There was no coming back from this. Sirius will come back this time. The next he will leave forever. It was just a matter of time. That was the bitter truth. One of them would have the chance to escape, and it wasn't Regulus. It was never supposed to be him, not when his brother deserved better.

He thought of Evan. The way the boy climbed the tree, leaving his sight. It made him feel unsettled: to see people leaving his sight, to leave him behind, and he wasn't able to make them stay. They will climb. They will grow. They will escape, and Regulus would stay, not able to start moving.

He didn't feel the bed as he let himself fall into the sheets, as he crawled into it to hide away. He listened as steps went downstairs and a door opened, just to fall in the lock again. And again, he was left behind, alone in a house he was scared of. In a house in which shadows moved and walls had ears. He was left behind, and there was a thought coming in his mind. After all the time, after his earlier years in his life, he himself became one of the creatures he was so scared of.

He became a dark creature lurking in the house's shadows.